Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1295 - Why Structure is King (and Love Too)

Transcript

#1295 - Why Structure is King (and Love Too) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Before we start today's podcast, I've got to do a
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  Speaker 1: huge plug for this Monday night's episode number three of
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Parental Guidance. I know we've been talking about Parental Guidance NonStop.
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  Speaker 1: There's been so much discussion, but Monday coming episode three
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  Speaker 1: is going to be the best Parental Guidance episode that
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we have ever seen on TV. I'm absolutely pumped for it.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: We confront two generation's worrying obsession.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: At school needs to be riding on the walls about
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: mummy's leg.
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  Speaker 1: This is, for me, an area that requires immediate intervention,
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  Speaker 1: and we are parents with the tools to navigate their
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  Speaker 1: way through.
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  Speaker 2: The other day, I was actually talking with a grandma
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  Speaker 2: who mentioned that she had watched the show so far
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  Speaker 2: and was loving it, but when she mentioned it to
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  Speaker 2: her daughter, her daughter was like, I don't want to
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: watch that. I don't want to be judged.
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  Speaker 1: That's how it works.
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  Speaker 2: And I just thought it was really interesting and I
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  Speaker 2: wanted to highlight if you're out there and you're not
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  Speaker 2: wanting to watch the show because you think that that's
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: what it's about, please just give it a go, because
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  Speaker 2: it's not about judgment. What I love about the show
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  Speaker 2: is the conversation starters that the result.
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  Speaker 1: That's the whole thing. It's about conversation.
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  Speaker 2: From being able to watch this and be given These
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  Speaker 2: are tricky conversations and so many families struggle to have them,
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  Speaker 2: and so being able to actually have something that you
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  Speaker 2: can both see together and then have a conversation around, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it's so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: Sit there and watch it with the kids, have the conversations.
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  Speaker 1: So many people are telling me that they're doing it
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  Speaker 1: and I just absolutely love it. We should introduce ourselves,
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  Speaker 1: but just before we do, Monday Night, episode three, seven
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  Speaker 1: point thirty on nine and nine. Now it's going to
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  Speaker 1: blow your world. This is the best episode we have
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  Speaker 1: ever done in three seasons. I'm stoked for it. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: So this is the Happy Famili's podcast, Real Pairing Solutions
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  Speaker 1: every Day, Australia's most down load of parenting podcast. I'm justin,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: You're Kylie and we are the Colsons. Oh I should
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  Speaker 1: also just mention as well. I've spoken to a number
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  Speaker 1: of people who have said, watching from season one, I
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  Speaker 1: didn't even know that the show existed, But I've watched
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: season one and now not to season two, and I
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  Speaker 1: can't wait to watch season three so much fun. Every
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  Speaker 1: Friday on the pod, we talk about the things that
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  Speaker 1: we've done right all the things we've done wrong. It's
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  Speaker 1: called I'll do better Tomorrow, and the idea is that
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  Speaker 1: we're supposed to give you some inspo, either through our
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  Speaker 1: errors of mistakes or through the things that we're nailing,
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  Speaker 1: so that you can make family life happier and better.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to go first today, Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, I thought I was going first.
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  Speaker 1: No, My one's a really quick one, okay, And I
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  Speaker 1: just this is my opportunity to virtue signal, to show
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  Speaker 1: everyone how awesome I am. I just got there's something
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  Speaker 1: that's happening as I'm getting older.
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  Speaker 2: I just need to ask, are you real?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, this is not AI, this is legit good.
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  Speaker 1: I've been getting that question a lot.
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  Speaker 2: You have everywhere we go.
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  Speaker 1: Last weekend, we're walking through the markets and some guy goes, hey, Justin,
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  Speaker 1: and I had no idea who he was. I'm like hi,
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  Speaker 1: and he goes, are you AI? It's happening constantly. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: So today's old a better tomorrow from me. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to show off a bit. This is a bit that
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  Speaker 1: I absolutely got right. But I want to put it
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  Speaker 1: in some context here. Years and years and years ago,
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have done what I'm doing now. As I've
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  Speaker 1: gotten older. I don't know if my heart has gotten bigger.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how I've changed or how to describe
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  Speaker 1: what's happened. But I feel compelled to describe my appreciation
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  Speaker 1: and my love for you and the kids in ways
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  Speaker 1: much more overt ways than I probably have a decade
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  Speaker 1: ago or two decades ago. I really want you and
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  Speaker 1: the kids to know how grateful I am for you,
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  Speaker 1: how much I love you. So the phone rings while
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  Speaker 1: I'm driving the other day and it's how Elders daughter, Chanell.
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  Speaker 1: She's twenty. I'm not allowed to say how old she's
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  Speaker 1: anymore because she's a full grown woman with a baby
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  Speaker 1: and husband and all that sort of stuff. But she's
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  Speaker 1: in the mid twenties. And I picked up the phone
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  Speaker 1: and said hello, Chanel, And then before she had the
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  Speaker 1: opportunity to talk, I said, I know you've called for
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  Speaker 1: a purpose, even if it's just a chat, but before
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  Speaker 1: you tell me why you're ringing, I just need you
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  Speaker 1: to know I love you so much. I'm so grateful
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  Speaker 1: for you. You are such a delight in my life,
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  Speaker 1: and if I don't tell you that often enough, I
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  Speaker 1: want you to know it right now. And just I
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  Speaker 1: don't know. There's something about looking at the kids as
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  Speaker 1: I walk down the corridor and saying I think the
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  Speaker 1: world of you, or grabbing one of them into a
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  Speaker 1: great big hug in the kitchen for no reason and
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  Speaker 1: just whispering you mean everything to me. I feel as
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  Speaker 1: though these and obviously you've got to back it up
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  Speaker 1: in the way that you act with them and the
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  Speaker 1: way that you talk with them, and the conversations and
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  Speaker 1: the even the correction and direction that you give. It's
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  Speaker 1: got to be backed up in support all the way through.
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  Speaker 1: But Kyl, that's my older better tomorrow. Really simple expressions
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  Speaker 1: of love, expressions of gratitude, expressions of connection. I think
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  Speaker 1: they make a difference. And it felt really great to
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  Speaker 1: say that to one of the children unexpectedly the other day, And.
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  Speaker 2: I think that that is actually the key. It's not
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  Speaker 2: about waiting for the right moment. It's not about waiting
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  Speaker 2: for a special occasion. It's actually taking the time to
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  Speaker 2: just stop and recognize the people in your lives who
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  Speaker 2: make a difference.
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  Speaker 1: Just blurted out like she had stuff to talk to
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  Speaker 1: me about. But I wanted to make sure she knew
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  Speaker 1: that before she told me I love it. I wonder
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  Speaker 1: if it changed the conversation. Mate, she might have been
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  Speaker 1: calling to get mad at me, don't know, but she
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  Speaker 1: certainly was nice to me.
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  Speaker 2: Up really didn't after that.
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  Speaker 1: That's exactly right, all right, Kylie. Let's hear your Older
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  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of weeks ago, we talked specifically about routine
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  Speaker 2: and structure around bedtimes with our youngest Emily, who is eleven.
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  Speaker 1: And who just hates bedtime.
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  Speaker 2: She hates it. She actually thinks it's the bane of
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  Speaker 2: her existence. Yeah, unnecessary, unwanted.
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  Speaker 1: In her words, in her words, I don't think I
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  Speaker 1: should have to go to bed. And we talked about
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  Speaker 1: so this was in an Older Better Tomorrow episode, I
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  Speaker 1: think two weeks ago, and you sat down, had an
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  Speaker 1: with her and put together a schedule including what was
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  Speaker 1: it like massage? I think that there were.
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  Speaker 2: You're so funny, no, that there definitely was a bubble bath.
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  Speaker 1: I knew there was something like that, some sort of pampering.
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  Speaker 2: Rubbing some oils on her.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, Yeah, Yeah, You've got the whole love the
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  Speaker 1: lavender stuff going up the nose or whatever.
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  Speaker 2: And so I thought today i'd report on how we've
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  Speaker 2: done because we hadn't actually done anything about it. We've
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  Speaker 2: just created us.
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  Speaker 1: So this is a bad story then because it hasn't worked.
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  Speaker 2: You're so terrible. I'm actually really really happy with how
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  Speaker 2: well she responded.
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  Speaker 1: Your perception is so different to mine. Hell well, I
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  Speaker 1: don't think that we're doing it. Are we doing? Are
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  Speaker 1: we actually doing the routine? You're going to try and
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  Speaker 1: tell me that we're doing the routine a little bit,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes one hundred percent, fifty percent.
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  Speaker 2: You're hilarious. You're saying that like you're actually here all
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  Speaker 2: the time.
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  Speaker 1: I can't believe you're giving me a hard time about
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  Speaker 1: I've got to travel, I've got to put money in
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  Speaker 1: the bank so that we can pay for the mortgage.
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  Speaker 2: But in full train experience, consistency is a challenge.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, all right, okay, So it hasn't.
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  Speaker 2: Happened every night, no, But what has happened is whenever
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  Speaker 2: we have done the routine, it has revolutionized bedtime that evening. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: like literally changed the dynamics in the house. And what
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  Speaker 2: I love about it is just how calm Emily is
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  Speaker 2: so before we started this new routine, it's not like
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  Speaker 2: she was bouncing off the walls. It's not like she
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  Speaker 2: was causing trouble. It's like she just was.
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  Speaker 1: Engaged, coloring in her a lego until like ten o'clock
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  Speaker 1: at night or something ridiculous like that.
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  Speaker 2: She was just engaged and whatever it is that she
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  Speaker 2: was doing. But now, with a bath and some oils,
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  Speaker 2: she goes to bed before the bedtime that we stipulated,
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  Speaker 2: and she will She'll lie in bed and she'll wait
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  Speaker 2: for me. I'll come and I'll rub some oils on her.
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  Speaker 2: I'll ask her to share the things that she's great
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  Speaker 2: before the day, we'll say a little prayer together, and
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  Speaker 2: she's just sleepy, like she's sleepy, and she just wants
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  Speaker 2: to snuggle. And I just love that, in spite of
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  Speaker 2: the fact that she's eleven, she's almost a teenager, that
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  Speaker 2: she craves that time together. And I'm really grateful that
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  Speaker 2: I've been reminded of just how important it is to
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  Speaker 2: slow that nighttime routine down and be able to reconnect
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  Speaker 2: with our children one on one in that sleepy space.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so the take home message is, yes, consistency can
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  Speaker 1: improve but having the structure, it really has calmed. Again,
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  Speaker 1: calming wasn't really the issue. It's created.
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  Speaker 2: A calm has been The calm has happened as a
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  Speaker 2: result of the lack of tension and cand.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, let's fight's over, but I don't want to.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. So if you wanted to change the word, it
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  Speaker 2: would be compliance.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's about It's about Emily saying there's a sequence,
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  Speaker 1: and we're operationalizing the sequence, and I know what I've
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  Speaker 1: got to do now, and then the next thing and
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  Speaker 1: the next thing. And she's in like she's enjoying the
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  Speaker 1: sequence because the sequence is full of things that she
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  Speaker 1: likes to do as well.
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  Speaker 2: After the first night, when she woke up the next morning,
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  Speaker 2: she came in and gave me a big hug, and
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  Speaker 2: I looked at her and I said, you look like
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  Speaker 2: you've had a really good sleep. I said, I think
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  Speaker 2: that nighttime routine really worked, and she said, yeah, me too,
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  Speaker 2: like she just loved it. And so, yes, we could
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  Speaker 2: be more consistent, but I love that we've got this
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  Speaker 2: structure in place, and I love that she recognizes that
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  Speaker 2: it makes a difference.
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  Speaker 1: Structure builds competence. Competence is a basic psychological need. When
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: kids feel like they know what they're supposed to be doing,
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  Speaker 1: when they're supposed to be doing it, and how to
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  Speaker 1: do it, they just feel better about life and relationships improved.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Plast they tend to do it autonomously. Basic psychological need tick, happiness,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: well being, motivation, Everything changes for the better. Come message
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: strong ideas. A quick reminder again Episode three on Monday
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Night of Parental Guidance. This is going to be the
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: big one. It's the best episode that I've ever seen
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: on the Telly for this series, So hopefully you can
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: join us on nine and nine now seven point thirty Monday.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin rule On
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds takes care of admin's support
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: and research. If you think that your family would be
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: happier because of the stuff that we share in this podcast,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: that means that other people's families will be happier as well.
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• 10:44
  Speaker 1: like more information and more resources about making your family happier,
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: you'll find them at happy families dot com, dot you