Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Beware of a New Toxic Dating Trend: “Ghostlighting”

Transcript

Beware of a New Toxic Dating Trend: “Ghostlighting” · I Do, Part 2

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hey, that folks.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: It is Saturday, March seventh, and I have no idea
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: what this episode of Amy and TJ is about. With that,
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: welcome to this episode. This is one of these we
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: do every once in a while and they can be fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: We should do them more often. But Robes has kept
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: me in the dark about this new dating trend that's
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: out there, and she wanted to get my honest, immediate,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: authentic reaction to it.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I really don't know what this is.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: Yes, I love you know, I don't know about any
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: of you, but I love reading about new dating trends
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: or toxic dating trends, even though I'm not dating. It's
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: just kind of funny to see where things are. And honestly,
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: with my daughter's dating, it's just it's so different than
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: when we were in the mix.
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: But there is a new it's called a toxic dating.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Toxic so this isn't a good thing.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: It's not a good thing, and it's something to be
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: aware of. So if you're out there and I say
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: this phrase, you may be like, uh, huh, been there,
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: done that scene it, experienced it, But I want to
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: get what you.
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: Think this might be. It's called ghost lighting.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Well, we have gas lighting, right?
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: So ghosting, am I on the right track?
• 1:15
  Speaker 4: Correct?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Ghosting is is when you just bounce on somebody. So
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: ghost lighting is it when huh what is it? You
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: disappear but blame the other person for it.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: How does this work?
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: Okay, that's actually you're on the right track.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: So it's a toxic combination of ghosting and gas lighting.
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: So you got that right? Ding ding ding ding ding.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Here's what happens ghost lighters. They'll they'll ghost, they'll drop
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: all communication. You won't know where they went or why
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: they left, and then they'll reinitiate contact later and act
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: as if nothing happened and they didn't do anything wrong.
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: So they gaslight you. Wait, so they ghost you.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: They don't come back and explain why they've been going on.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: They just show back up and everything's normal. I don't
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: want to grab a.
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: Drink, yep, So they guess. So, so here's that's what
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: they do.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: They ghost, They show back up, and then they gaslight
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: the person they were dating into believing they never ghosted them.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: What you convince someone that, oh I wasn't going I
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: didn't hear from you that kind of a thing. Oh
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: you never hit me back. I remember we're supposed to
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: go to this thing. I didn't hear from you. Now,
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: how much time are we talking? Like a week, two weeks,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: two months, six months, It could.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: Be any period of time.
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: So there was a dating expert who put it like
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: this when she was trying to describe.
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: What ghost lighting is.
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: This is so interesting, she said, what makes it different
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: from simple ghosting is the psychological twist. Ghosting is avoidance.
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: Ghost Lighting adds distortion by manipulating the facts, so you're
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: doubting your own.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Reality, which is gaslighting. Correct.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: So they were saying, here's what you look out for
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: because when the ghost lighter reinitiates contact and wants to
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: reach out to you and hit you up, they'll do
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: it on social media.
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: Likes first, so it's kind of subtle. They'll start liking
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: your social.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: Media posts again, or they might slide into your DMS
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: just kind of like casually, like hey, checking in on you,
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: or they'll actually start texting you. But they're saying that
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: this is now a trend that's emerging that has never
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: really been seen.
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: Before because now, yes, everyone's on dating.
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: Apps, everyone, they're not doing the face to face stuff.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: So when you're doing it on apps and you're texting,
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: they can kind of make you think like, oh, well,
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: maybe I just missed this DM.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Well that makes sense.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: Just you've heard folks, because we love to watch some
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: of these dating shows like ninety Day Fiance, you've heard
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: people react like, oh, he's liking my posts? Now does
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: that mean that that he wants to get back to?
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: What's that saying?
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: So everyone's always trying to interpret online activity differently, and
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: so that leaves some gray area for this to occur.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: Does this does it happen whatever you're researching and reading,
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Does it happen equally with men and women? Is a
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: man more likely to do with a woman to do it?
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Or it's well equal opportunity here?
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: That wasn't I didn't see that, but I would if
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: I'm just a someone basing this on anecdotal evidence, I
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: would think this is maybe more something that men.
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: Why because it just is how many women just ghost men?
• 4:17
  Speaker 4: I mean, I guess it happens, but I feel like
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: it's more men who do that.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: To say ghost women? Huh, how would I know? I
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: don't know what's going on in this dating world, and.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: You know what, and I don't think people in the
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: dating world, know what's going on in the dating world,
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: because they say, so many relationships are now situationships, so
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: many connections are in a gray zone.
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: I see this and hear this from my daughters.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: I'm confused. What's a situationship? Again?
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: We hear it all the time. We think we have
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: a general idea. Is this what we called what friends
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: with benefits? Or what do we call this? At some
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: point a situationship where you're you're seeing other people.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: Maybe, but it's kind of unclear, like you're in a
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: situation with this person, but it's not a defined relationationship
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: so that you're texting, right, you're damning some people want
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: that you're seeing each other, but you haven't actually defined
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: what your relationship is.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: And look, I know that.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: People I don't think have these social skills, or a
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: lot of younger folks don't and haven't developed the face
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: to face social skills where you actually flat out say.
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: Hey, what is this that we're doing?
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Are we social skills to ask a question?
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: Because I think it feels, oh, that's too intrusive, right,
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: I don't want to.
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: Push you know, how do we get there?
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: But even here your own thirteen year old daughter who's
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: just now starting to have friends saying who's dating whom?
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: And it's all happening on text, It's all happening on
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: social media. It's not happening face to face the same
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: way it did with us. We pass notes maybe in class,
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: but that's we still had to communicate face to face
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: or at least on the phone.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: But because of now how people go about dating and interacting,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: it has opened up an opportunity for something like ghost
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: lighting to be prevalent.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Is what you're saying, correct?
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: How much of this, though, is somebody having a regret
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: or a second thought, or say, Okay, I'm I'm bored tonight,
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: let me go hit this person up again?
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Right?
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: Is that I'm trying to find the motivation for the
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: ghost lighting? Is it just a matter of hey, we're
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I'm seeing other people, you're seeing other people. I'll get
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: back to you when I can, when I need to
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: or when I'm bored. Yeah.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: I think the ghost lighting is someone trying to control
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: what they want when they want it, and then not
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: wanting to take any sort of responsibility for what that
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: might do to someone else.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Psychologically, we uhould just call that a crappy partner, right,
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: that is.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: A jerk and asking yes yes.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: But I thought this was interesting this dating expert who
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: was weighing in on this, I was reading this article.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: She said, the ambiguity, this gray zone, you know that
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: we're talking about where no one really knows where things stands.
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: Everyone is just in a situationship.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: That ambiguity is what gives people now today an easy exit.
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: Out of a relationship.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: And then when someone can exit without any consequence, they
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: can come back without any consequence.
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: And that is what is happening.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Oh, because you're not actually you're not actually being reprimanded
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: if you will, for being wrong or being a jerk,
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: or for dumping anybody.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Right, because it disappears.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: It was never clear what you were anyway, and so
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: that's part of the issue. So there are some tips
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: for folks, for anyone out there, if this is ringing
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: a bell, if this is resonated, if you were like,
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: oh my god, that's what's happening to me.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: Now it has a name.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Before you get to the tips, where did this come
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: like this? Are they just another thing where they're start
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: assigning names to things on social media or there something
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: that has been researched by therapists. Where does this come from?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Anyway?
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: I think people start talking about it online, people start
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: then realizing it's happening actually quite often, and then yes,
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: people give it cute names.
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: And I don't know if this has gotten any sort
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: of grant.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: For funding to research, but it is interesting you hear about.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: We were actually laughing about all these trends. There was
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: something this week called Alpine divorce. It was macab I
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: was like, what you go and do outdoor activities and
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: then leave and leave them alone and they have to
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: find their way home.
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: What that sounds like a dateline?
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I look for that episode tomorrow Divorce.
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: I didn't even want to go there.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: I felt like ghost lighting was a little safer space
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: to talk about. But if it's happening to you, this
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: is These are the tips from folks relationship. Back to worts,
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: they say, do not smooth it over, call that person out.
• 8:44
  Speaker 4: You have to say to them.
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: They actually gave language to use to somebody like I
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: think people are afraid of demanding what they want or
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: speaking out loud what they deserve, and so they just
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: kind of let stuff happen. They're saying, you have to
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: actually call people out and say when you stopped responding.
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: I took that as a lack of interest and a
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: lack of communication.
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: And then the big thing is pause, see what they
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: say back.
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: Don't start explaining how you felt, or just say you
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: stopped responding. I took that as you didn't want to
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: be in this relationship. You weren't communicating with me.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: First of all, it wasn't a relationship, it was a situationship.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Is how a jerkquil.
• 9:28
  Speaker 4: Responds yeah, right, yes, and so yes and you.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: The point being is listen, pause, do not say anything else.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: I think that's something that I have to remember to
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: do often. Don't fill the silence. Silence is so powerful
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: because eventually that tension, that silence will force the other
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: person to have to speak, and then you have to listen.
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: Do they take responsibility? Make sure they.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: Acknowledge you're right I did stop communicating with you, or
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: if they just minimize it or deflect, well you you
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: were busy and I was busy, and you knew I
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: had to go. Then you know that person is making
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: excuses and is not going to be serious about this relationship.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: You have more tips on the list, Well, that's the big.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: You just need to demand an answer. You cannot take
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: ambiguity as a response.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, ask cause you just triggered another question. Is it
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: always intentionally manipulative or is this something that's just a
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: consequence of how people are dating?
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: Now you know what I think it might be. It
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: might be both.
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: I think I think you also could maybe unintentionally do this,
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: maybe just because it's permitted if no one calls you
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: want it. I do think that that happens a lot
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: with bad behavior. If you are being allowed to behave
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: a certain way, think about a kid with a parent,
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: You're probably going to do it because we are selfish
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: by nature.
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: That is survival, right, we are born selfish.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: So yeah, we're going to take what we want when
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: we want it, and then we're going to move until
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: someone calls you want it.
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: And so that's kind of the point.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: If you are serious about being in a relationship with somebody,
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: you cannot let this slide.
• 11:01
  Speaker 4: You have to call them on it.
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: So when we come back, we're going to tell you
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: now what the relationship experts say you should never do.
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: If you think you're being ghost lighted.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Welcome back. She's laughing at me because what's the right language.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: This is a new word, so I don't know past tense.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: It goes lighted a gut ghost lit when during.
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: The commercial break?
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: That is the question he asked me, and I laughed
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: so hard because I hadn't considered it.
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: I guess I was using it as a verb, and ghost.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: Lighting is an action. But are you are you ghost
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: have you been ghost lit? I just got ghost or
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: have you been ghost lighted?
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Man? I don't know which you want to go with.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: That's funny, but yes, goes lighting. This is interesting, But
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I am I am. I asked you a question before
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: we went to the break.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I'm fascinated by the idea of if this is just
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: a consequence and is not necessarily intentional or meant to
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: be manipulative. I'm sure if someone does that, but just
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: the nature of how they do it. Now I think, I, well,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: one of your daughters like this. I hear about their
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: dating and how they go about it, and it's just,
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: what do you mean you haven't met way you mean
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: you've been talking on what oh, what do you mean?
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: This and that? And you're just going for this. I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: don't understand their dating.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: So it's a matter of sometimes you don't have to
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: follow up, you don't have to reach out again. You
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: don't have to see that person in the hallway or
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: at the office or in the call.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: You don't see them, I know, And yet your feelings
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: still get hurt. Right, nothing's changed about who we are
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: on the inside. And I think about it from a
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: female perspective, and a lot of these like, look, you're
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: wanting answers, but you're afraid to push too hard. You
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: don't want to be annoying or ask well do you
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: really like me? You don't want to seem insecure. And
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: in that sense, you just let people get away with
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: treating you like crap because you don't want to be
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: demanding and you don't want to be that girl. And
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: so I do think still, yes, yes, and I do
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: look back in the day this was all happening on
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: phone in a real conversation.
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: Now this is all happening by text.
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: So yes, I hear from You're right, one of my
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: daughters who's like, I don't know what's going on. He
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: was texting me for hours and hours and hours and
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: then silent, you know, and I don't know what to do.
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: And because they never saw each other, and they're not talking.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: It's it's extra confusing. It's a total mind game out.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: And then they laugh at me because when I hear
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: that story from your daughter is about dating, I say,
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: what's the problem here, Send a message right now and
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: ask what's up? What's the big deal? Why are we
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: sitting around? And I get shot down every time. Of
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: course I'm not gonna do that. Of course you can't
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: do that. Of course you can't reach out. Of course
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: you can't talk.
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: You gotta play it cool. You gotta play it like
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: you don't care. You gotta play it.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: Like it no't matter and it wasn't a big deal.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: And oh I wasn't that into you anyway. That's the
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: ego talking.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: But yeah, you know where.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I am on that. We just don't have time. We're
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: grown and we're adult folks. It's okay to ask somebody
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: how they feel.
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: Your rejection is what it is.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: And you know what, get rejected now instead of in
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: five years. It's okay, Like it's okay. We're not building
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: ourselves up. We're not building our kids up for disappointment later.
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: It could be much better to be disappointed now.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: You have to go through these things.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: You know how many towns My heart was broken before
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: I was a senior in high school.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, just you go through it. You just it's
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: a part of it.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: So I see these games sometimes being played and it's
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: it's a whole new it's a whole new world.
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: All right. Well, if you think this is happening to you,
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: here is what not to do.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: I love this advice. It's applicable to so many things.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: We were just talking about. Everyone always wanting the why,
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: and it's so destructive. So number one, no matter what,
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: do not look for why they go slide at you.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: The quote from the relationship expert is this, It can
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: drive you crazy trying to psycho analyze the person and
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: figure out why they did it. It does not help
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: to solve the mystery.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Are they saying that don't even ask the person why
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: or just don't get in your own head.
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: Either way they say, yes, don't look for it.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: They say it actually helps you heal to not solve
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: the mystery because it allows you, This is what we
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: were just saying, to process the hurt, to process the rejection,
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: and to admit to yourself that it felt dismissive.
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: And that it upset you. We all like we try
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: to pretend like, oh, I didn't care, I didn't like
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: him that much anyway, it didn't matter. That is not helpful.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: We're not acknowledging that it hurt you. And you have
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: to acknowledge that it hurt you to heal.
• 15:40
  Speaker 4: From it and to make sure it doesn't happen again.
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: I thought that was such good.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: As Gerice right on a bunch of things. Not just this,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: but that's yes.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: This is applicable to so many things in life. I
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: just thought this was some of the best advice I
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: had seen. And then that second thing to do, what
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: not to do do not blame yourself for their actions?
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: Oh my god.
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: If no this is what women do, I can speak
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: for myself.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: If only I had said it this way, if only
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: I had done this differently, if only I had whatever,
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: you start thinking about how you could have kept him
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: or not upset him, And that is so dangerous because
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: now you're going to try and change what you want
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: or feel or think to make someone else like you,
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: which is so dangerous.
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: We've all done it, we've all been there.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: But I just loved this advice. The what not to
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: do was so much better almost than even what to do?
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: What did I do that made him not want to
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: reach out to me?
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: Correct? Correct? And it just it just eats away at
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: your self esteem. It eats away at valuing yourself.
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: You start criticizing yourself for someone else's selfish actions.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Wow, ghost lighting, yep, who knew? Who knew there was
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: that there are? There was a different dating trend almost
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: you you introduced at least once a month, sometimes just
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: once a week that there's some new thing.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I had not heard about this one.
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: But you know what I think when you The reason
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: why I love looking at all these dating trends is
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: it helps all of us in any relationship. You just
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: start understanding maybe and having a fun little phrase or
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: a way to say it actually is something that there
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: are lessons in some of these toxic dating trends that
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: actually happen in a lot of relationships and platonic ones too.
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: So anyway, everybody, make sure that you're not the ghost
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: lighter or you're not getting ghost.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Lit, ghost lighted, You're not the goes lighter and don't
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: get ghost lit.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: That's what we're going.
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: That's what I went with.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: You know, it always sounds like you it's gonna be
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: lit up in here tonight.
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: Don't get ghosts.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: Don't get ghost all right, everybody, And with that, thank
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: you for listening to us.
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: I'm made Robock alongside TJ. Holmes. We will talk to
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: you soon