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ADHD Meltdowns vs Tantrums: Why They Happen and a 5-Step System to Reduce Them · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

0:00
Apryl: You tell your kiddo to turn off the iPad and they freak out.
0:04
Apryl: Total utter meltdown.
0:06
Apryl: Or you're at the store and you say no.
0:09
Apryl: Total utter meltdown.
0:11
Apryl: Or maybe you're on vacation and plans change.
0:14
Apryl: Right in the middle of public, total, utter meltdown.
0:17
Apryl: If any of these sound familiar to you, take a deep breath.
0:21
Apryl: We're gonna dive deep into meltdowns today.
0:24
Apryl: We're gonna talk about why they happen and what you can start doing to help to mitigate these meltdowns and help your kiddo learn the skills so that they no longer melt down.
0:36
Apryl: So let's dive in.
0:39
Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
0:44
Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
0:50
Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
0:56
Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
1:04
Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
1:13
Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
1:18
Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to the podcast.
1:20
Apryl: April here.
1:21
Apryl: If you are new here, welcome.
1:23
Apryl: If you are returning, hey friend, welcome back.
1:25
Apryl: So happy to have you.
1:26
Apryl: Okay, first of all, let me ask you: if you are listening to this episode and you have got value out of our podcast, will you please do me a favor?
1:36
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1:47
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1:54
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1:57
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2:00
Apryl: Okay, let's dive into today.
2:02
Apryl: Let's talk all about meltdowns.
2:05
Apryl: Before we get started, though, I have an entire freebie for you that is going to take what we're doing today.
2:13
Apryl: You're going to have the printouts to be able to walk through all of the things that we're doing, all of the tracking, all of the data, all of that stuff.
2:21
Apryl: Go to raisingadh.org slash meltdown to grab yours.
2:26
Apryl: Okay, let's dive into meltdowns.
2:29
Apryl: I know this is a huge one.
2:31
Apryl: And whether you have a kiddo who is like the major explosive volcano type of meltdown, that you are in public and absolutely embarrassed about their behavior, or if you have the one who can control themselves in public, but at home, when you ask them to turn off the TV or turn off their games, then they absolutely throw a fit, throw a tantrum, get angry, start throwing things.
2:57
Apryl: Whatever scale your kiddo is on, wherever they're at, we're gonna talk about meltdowns today.
3:04
Apryl: And maybe your meltdown is just not even as violent as those.
3:08
Apryl: It's just, oh, why?
3:10
Apryl: And they just kind of start yelling, or maybe they get verbally abusive.
3:13
Apryl: All of those situations happen, all of those are real, and all of us deal with these when we're raising ADHD kiddos.
3:22
Apryl: So let's first talk about what is happening in our kiddos' brain.
3:28
Apryl: Because again, I always believe the more we can understand what's going on, the more empathy we can have, and the more we can approach this situation from a uh neutral space instead of an anxiety or anger or fight or flight mode, right?
3:47
Apryl: So let's talk about the brain and what is happening here.
3:52
Apryl: This is one thing that I want you to know before we get started is that this is a brain response.
3:58
Apryl: Like I say all the time, this is your kid having a hard time, they're not giving you a hard time.
4:05
Apryl: Now, we this is also not because you're not disciplining enough or your parenting skills.
4:13
Apryl: That is not an issue either.
4:15
Apryl: This is truly a brain issue.
4:17
Apryl: So here's where we're going today in this episode.
4:20
Apryl: We're gonna talk about why ADHD kids have meltdowns.
4:24
Apryl: We're gonna talk about the meltdown volcano, and then we're gonna talk about the ABCs of behavior.
4:30
Apryl: So the antecedent, the behavior, and the consequence, and looking at that very closely because when we look at those, it's gonna help you identify what's happening and what's triggering these.
4:40
Apryl: And then we're gonna talk about the meltdown triggers.
4:44
Apryl: Once we know our kiddo's triggers, we're gonna talk about the underlying skills that we can start to help our kiddo with.
4:52
Apryl: And we're gonna talk about how to become a behavior detective so you can work on those skills and not just constantly being the fireman putting out the fires.
5:02
Apryl: We want to be the detective who solves the case first before we're the fireman putting out fires.
5:07
Apryl: All right, so let's dive into the simple brain science.
5:11
Apryl: Why do our ADHD kiddos have meltdowns?
5:15
Apryl: First of all, we need to talk about the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum.
5:21
Apryl: A tantrum is a goal-driven um response.
5:28
Apryl: So I want a toy.
5:29
Apryl: So they're gonna freak out in the store when you know you say um when they ask, I want this toy, can we get this?
5:36
Apryl: And you say no.
5:38
Apryl: Their response, their tantrum in that case is they want something, right?
5:44
Apryl: That is a tantrum.
5:46
Apryl: A meltdown is a nervous system overload.
5:51
Apryl: This is where the child is not in control.
5:53
Apryl: This is not them trying to manipulate you to, you know, get extra screen time or get that toy.
6:00
Apryl: This is truly their body is is out of control.
6:05
Apryl: Like they cannot, their nervous system is overloaded.
6:08
Apryl: My daughter is very good at recognizing this.
6:12
Apryl: She will say, when she's overloaded and overwhelmed, I see it.
6:17
Apryl: Like it starts to boil like the volcano, right?
6:20
Apryl: And then she's like, I'm so stressed out, you're stressing me out.
6:24
Apryl: And it truly is, her nervous system is overwhelmed.
6:28
Apryl: So being able to number one, have our kiddos start to recognize when they're feeling these emotions and feeling that lava start to erupt in them, then that will help to be able to for them to advocate and verbalize for themselves.
6:49
Apryl: I'm stressed out, or I'm overwhelmed, or I don't understand, I don't get this, being able to ask that help.
6:56
Apryl: So with the ADHD brain, they feel emotions very quickly and very intensely.
7:05
Apryl: And we know that they really struggle with brakes, their brain breaks, right?
7:11
Apryl: So that inhibition control, they struggle with that.
7:15
Apryl: They they struggle with putting the brakes on quick enough.
7:18
Apryl: So if they are feeling overwhelmed, you know, throwing the, I don't know, PlayStation paddle, that would be that brakes, like they didn't put the brakes on soon enough.
7:28
Apryl: And then they also, the manager, right?
7:31
Apryl: Their internal, like little manager person, it's their executive function who's helping manage all of these things, that it is weaker as well.
7:40
Apryl: So those big fillings come out very fast.
7:43
Apryl: So things that are common overloads for our kiddos that really heighten that sense of overwhelm and that nervous system overload, things like transitions.
7:57
Apryl: So leaving the park, turning off the screens, time to go from you know playing with a friend to doing homework.
8:06
Apryl: Those are common overload factors.
8:09
Apryl: Demands and fatigue.
8:12
Apryl: So doing homework at 6 p.m.
8:15
Apryl: after school, that is um, you know, the demand of all of that work.
8:24
Apryl: It feels so heavy to look at an entire math sheet, right?
8:28
Apryl: So that demand overwhelm, and then already just being exhausted from their brain being on all day long at school.
8:36
Apryl: Then we also have the sensory overload.
8:40
Apryl: This is the noise, the siblings, the cat, the dog, the crowds.
8:45
Apryl: If you have, um, if your kiddo is one that really gets overwhelmed in public and you see these meltdowns in public more, it may be the crowds, that overwhelm of the crowd, the sensory overload.
8:56
Apryl: And then repeated correction or nagging that tends to overload the nervous system as well.
9:04
Apryl: So those are four key things to be looking for when your kiddo is having a meltdown.
9:09
Apryl: Is it a meltdown or a trans uh tantrum?
9:12
Apryl: Are these things happening?
9:14
Apryl: Is it a transition?
9:15
Apryl: Are they fatigued, right?
9:16
Apryl: And are you asking something big of them?
9:20
Apryl: Is there sensory overload going on?
9:22
Apryl: And then have you been repeatedly correcting or nagging them?
9:28
Apryl: So something to remember is meltdowns are a stress response.
9:34
Apryl: When we understand the why, we stop taking it personally.
9:38
Apryl: And that's one thing that is really important here, especially for our parents who are struggling with those kids who are aggressive and maybe verbally aggressive, is that when we can understand why, we can start to realize, okay, they really don't mean this.
9:59
Apryl: This is not a personal attack.
10:02
Apryl: This is just that volcano exploding, that nervous system overload just exploding, and we can start to see, okay, how can I start supporting and skill building?
10:15
Apryl: What's really the underlying issue here?
10:18
Apryl: When we take it personally, then it makes our nervous system overloaded and dysregulated as well.
10:26
Apryl: So when we can come at it from this brain science, we're more regulated and we see it through a scientist view or the detective view, right?
10:37
Apryl: Instead of the mom feeling attacked by their kid because that never feels good and it never ends up in a good place.
10:45
Apryl: So that is the brain science behind it.
10:49
Apryl: That's what's happening.
10:50
Apryl: That those breaks, being able to stop soon enough.
10:54
Apryl: Our little kiddos have race car brains and Model T brakes that just don't work together very well.
11:01
Apryl: And then the manager of their brain just doesn't have all of the skills yet to be able to help control those emotions.
11:10
Apryl: So remember that.
11:12
Apryl: We got race car brains, Model T brakes, and we've got a little manager in there, that air control traffic system in there, where the air controller has not been trained on all of the buttons and all the things to do yet, right?
11:27
Apryl: That's what's happening in our little kiddos' brains.
11:29
Apryl: So let's talk about this volcano analogy.
11:34
Apryl: A lot of times you will see this online when people talk about meltdowns and ADHD.
11:40
Apryl: It's a volcano, right?
11:41
Apryl: And so at the baseline, so when we think inside of a volcano, at the baseline, at the bottom, there's a whole bunch of lava, right?
11:49
Apryl: It's quietly bubbling, it's under the surface, it can stay there for a long time, depending on, you know, the child in this situation or the volcano.
11:58
Apryl: It stays there, it just bubbles slowly, but it's always there.
12:03
Apryl: What that lava is, is the that everyday stress, the ADHD challenges that they are dealing with with their neurodivergent brain every single day.
12:12
Apryl: So, you know, it could even be as small as the tag on the back of their shirt, just driving them crazy.
12:18
Apryl: So it's sensory experiences.
12:20
Apryl: It could be that the kid next to them is clicking their pencil and it's driving them crazy, and they're just trying to keep it all together, right?
12:26
Apryl: So it's slowly bubbling, and then their teacher asks them to do something, and then the other teacher asks them to do something, and then they get home and you're asking them to do something, and then they have to go to practice and all of these demands, right?
12:41
Apryl: So we have this baseline lava that's just quietly bubbling under the surface.
12:46
Apryl: We do not see this, and maybe you know, someone said something at school to them and someone didn't play with them on the playground.
12:54
Apryl: Like we have this underlying lava that's constantly there, but then all of a sudden, what happens is there's a trigger, so something little is tossed into the volcano, like the milk got spilled, or their sibling took their toy, or it was time to turn off the iPad, or their sibling was teasing them, right?
13:17
Apryl: There's this trigger.
13:20
Apryl: And then because that trigger was dropped into the volcano, then it erupts, right?
13:25
Apryl: That's when we see.
13:27
Apryl: We don't see all this underlying lava slowly, quietly boiling and slowly coming up, you know, about to explode.
13:36
Apryl: We don't see that.
13:37
Apryl: All we see is meltdown, the yelling, the crying, the hitting, the running away, the shutting down, the screaming, right?
13:44
Apryl: That's what we see.
13:45
Apryl: We do not see all of the underlying stuff.
13:49
Apryl: And then as a parent, it's so hard because all of a sudden one little thing, or what we assume was that one little thing, just sets them off into this major meltdown.
13:58
Apryl: And for some of our kiddos, it's really, really hard to get them from the point of dysregulation, this meltdown phase, to a point of re-regulated, right?
14:12
Apryl: To a calm point.
14:14
Apryl: Here's where the analogy of the volcano is really good.
14:18
Apryl: It does capture that buildup.
14:20
Apryl: Like we can imagine all of those things happening, right?
14:23
Apryl: And we can we we as adults even have this going on too, right?
14:29
Apryl: And then you come home and all of a sudden your husband or wife says something, or your kid does something, and you just snap because you've had this lava underlying all day long and all these little things, and it explodes.
14:42
Apryl: What we can remember from this volcano is that kids aren't choosing to erupt.
14:49
Apryl: Remember, when we're talking tantrum versus meltdown, this is the meltdown.
14:53
Apryl: A tantrum is a behavior issue that needs to be figured out when they're doing it to get something.
15:02
Apryl: This is when their nervous system or their sensory system is overloaded, they're not choosing to erupt, their system has reached absolutely capacity, and boom, then the explosion happens.
15:18
Apryl: One thing with the volcano, though, that I want to talk about today is that this volcano, it's really easy to understand and help us realize okay, our kiddo has gone through a lot and they're not trying to erupt.
15:35
Apryl: They're finally at the point of overload and they interrupt, it they erupt.
15:40
Apryl: But what is what an issue with this is, is it feels like then there is nothing we can do about it, right?
15:46
Apryl: They're random and they're unavoidable.
15:48
Apryl: They're just gonna happen.
15:49
Apryl: The volcano analogy is very good at helping us understand and see that this is an eruption over time.
15:58
Apryl: This isn't just a turn on the switch, boom, things have been happening underneath.
16:03
Apryl: But what the analogy is a little weaker at, and what I want to focus on today, is that it makes it feel like these eruptions and meltdowns are unavoidable.
16:15
Apryl: They're just going to happen, they're random, and they're unavoidable.
16:19
Apryl: And it really focuses heavily on that eruption part of it, right?
16:24
Apryl: And less on the skills that if we focus on those, the skills help cool the lava.
16:30
Apryl: If we can cool the lava, then what happens?
16:35
Apryl: What happens to a real volcano when the lava is cooled?
16:38
Apryl: Does it erupt?
16:39
Apryl: No, it doesn't.
16:40
Apryl: So that's what we're gonna focus on is really looking at those executive function skills that if we strengthen and support them, it's going to make these eruptions less frequent and less intense.
16:55
Apryl: So, yes, it's a volcano, but it's not a mysterious one.
16:59
Apryl: If we look closer, we can see patterns, triggers, and missing skills.
17:04
Apryl: And that's where the ABCs.
17:07
Apryl: So you may have heard of the ABCs of behavior before.
17:11
Apryl: If not, that's okay.
17:12
Apryl: We are going to cover it right now.
17:14
Apryl: We're gonna talk about what the heck are these ABCs and how do they help you as a parent with a kid who has these meltdowns.
17:22
Apryl: So let's talk first about A.
17:25
Apryl: A is the antecedent.
17:27
Apryl: This is what happens right before the meltdown.
17:32
Apryl: So you are going to start noticing and looking at what happens.
17:37
Apryl: So you said turn off the iPad, okay?
17:40
Apryl: Then the volcano erupted, right?
17:43
Apryl: A sibling grabbed their toy, you asked them to start their homework, or maybe there was a change in plans, like we're not going to the park after all, or or you can't go to friends because something happened, right?
17:56
Apryl: These are examples of antecedents.
17:59
Apryl: So the antecedent is what happens before A antecedent.
18:04
Apryl: Then we have B.
18:06
Apryl: B is the behavior.
18:08
Apryl: So what did it look like on the outside?
18:12
Apryl: So this is that observable action.
18:15
Apryl: And I always like to say these observable actions should be able to hold up in a court of law.
18:23
Apryl: So what could you see or hear, not what you think they were feeling or intending, right?
18:31
Apryl: That would be hearsay in a court of law.
18:34
Apryl: We want to be able to prove this to a jury.
18:37
Apryl: So what could you see or hear?
18:40
Apryl: That is the behavior.
18:41
Apryl: So here's some examples: screaming no, throwing the tablet, running to their room, hitting, collapsing on the floor, shutting down, or going silent.
18:52
Apryl: Those are all examples of behaviors that we can see and hear.
18:57
Apryl: When we can look at this behavior and describe it neutrally, it's going to help you as the parent step out of shame and judgment and into problem solving.
19:11
Apryl: That's where we want to get to.
19:14
Apryl: This also helps us as a parent regulate our own nervous system when we can take the emotion out of it and look at it as the scientist and the detective.
19:27
Apryl: So we are looking at the antecedent, looking at the behavior, what happened, and then C is the consequence.
19:35
Apryl: So what happened right after that behavior?
19:40
Apryl: What did you do next as the adult?
19:44
Apryl: What changed in the environment?
19:46
Apryl: And what did the child get or what did they avoid?
19:50
Apryl: Okay.
19:51
Apryl: So again, what did you do as the adult?
19:54
Apryl: What changed in the environment?
19:55
Apryl: And what did the child get or avoid?
19:59
Apryl: So here's some examples of what may have happened.
20:05
Apryl: The parent yelled, scream time got extended just to stop the screaming.
20:11
Apryl: So maybe you're like, oh my gosh, fine, you get five more minutes, right?
20:15
Apryl: Or you get 10 more minutes.
20:16
Apryl: So what did the child get from that?
20:19
Apryl: Homework was postponed.
20:21
Apryl: The child was sent to their room.
20:23
Apryl: Everyone's walking on eggshells.
20:24
Apryl: These are all consequences.
20:27
Apryl: And usually we think of consequences as okay, what happened?
20:31
Apryl: Like, okay, the child got sent to timeout, or the child lost 10 minutes of screen time, right?
20:36
Apryl: Like we think of the consequence as the punishment for the behavior, but no, the consequence is literally just what happened.
20:45
Apryl: I mean, we could think of consequences like if you don't eat, what's the consequence of not eating?
20:49
Apryl: You're hungry.
20:50
Apryl: When you do eat, what's the consequence of eating?
20:53
Apryl: You're not hungry anymore, right?
20:55
Apryl: What's the consequence of going to the gas station and filling up your car with gas?
20:59
Apryl: Well, the consequence is you have a full tink of gas and you can drive 500 miles, right?
21:04
Apryl: Consequences don't necessarily have to be like, okay, well, you did this, now I'm going to enforce this consequence.
21:10
Apryl: No, it's literally just what happened afterwards.
21:13
Apryl: Consequences are not just punishments, they are any result that might teach the child that when I melt down, this happens.
21:24
Apryl: Okay.
21:25
Apryl: So any sort of consequence.
21:27
Apryl: It's whatever the result was.
21:28
Apryl: And then we want to look at, okay, when they melt down, they get this reward, right?
21:33
Apryl: Or not this reward.
21:34
Apryl: When I melt down, this happens.
21:36
Apryl: So when I melt down, my mom yells.
21:38
Apryl: Or when I melt down, I know that I'm gonna get extra screen time.
21:43
Apryl: Or when I melt down, homework is going to get postponed.
21:48
Apryl: So what we want to start doing, what this is inside of that um freebie, the meltdown toolkit is I have like a whole trial.
22:00
Apryl: System for you.
22:01
Apryl: But what I want you to start noticing, and this is just noticing.
22:05
Apryl: This is not any type of trying to fix your kid or their behavior or anything like that right now.
22:14
Apryl: What I want you to do is I want you to take a few minutes and just jot down a few of the meltdowns and look for patterns and repeats.
22:24
Apryl: So start looking for the time of day.
22:27
Apryl: Look at the transition type, look at the demand level, and then look at the sensory environment.
22:34
Apryl: Let me say those again.
22:35
Apryl: So these are the four things that you're going to be looking for.
22:38
Apryl: And again, this is on the tracking sheet inside the meltdown toolkit.
22:41
Apryl: So the time of day, the transition type, the demand level, and then the sensory environment.
22:50
Apryl: Once we can see the pattern of the triggers, then just like a scientist, once we can start seeing things, then we can start digging more, right?
23:00
Apryl: Then we have another question to ask.
23:02
Apryl: The next question is what skills are missing that make this situation so hard for our kiddo?
23:10
Apryl: And that's where our executive function skills come in.
23:13
Apryl: And this is where what I talked about last week, those invisible skills, we focus so much on those visible skills of like, how do I get my kid to stop melting down and screaming, right?
23:23
Apryl: And so then we send them to timeout.
23:25
Apryl: Well, timeout's not gonna help them build these invisible skills.
23:29
Apryl: We want to focus on these invisible skills, these executive function skills.
23:33
Apryl: And that's when we can start noticing, okay, here were the triggers.
23:37
Apryl: This was the pattern.
23:38
Apryl: What skills are missing that make this situation so hard?
23:42
Apryl: We're gonna start building those invisible.
23:44
Apryl: We're gonna start parenting the invisible, right?
23:47
Apryl: So let's look at meltdown triggers versus executive skills.
23:53
Apryl: This is so now let's talk about.
24:01
Apryl: Okay, we know what's triggering them.
24:04
Apryl: You have got some data points of what's triggering them.
24:06
Apryl: Now, how do we know what the heck skill we're supposed to be working on or what this looks like?
24:12
Apryl: Executive functions, like we've talked about before, are the air traffic control system or the manager in the control room.
24:20
Apryl: They're the one, think of, you know, like like your kiddo's little brain up there.
24:25
Apryl: They've got like a little air traffic control tower, and there's someone in there, but guess what?
24:30
Apryl: That someone, there's just so much going on, and they haven't been trained in this, right?
24:35
Apryl: We've got to train that little air traffic control guy in their brain to help them with all of these things.
24:42
Apryl: So here is the executive function skills, a brief list of the executive function skills that are very relevant to meltdowns.
24:51
Apryl: So inhibition or impulse control, same thing, inhibition, impulse control, emotional regulation, working memory, cognitive flexibility, and that's the ability to be able to shift from one thing to another thing.
25:09
Apryl: So being able to, oh, we can't go to the store right now because your brother doesn't feel good.
25:16
Apryl: I don't know.
25:17
Apryl: Or we can't go to the zoo today because your brother's sick today.
25:20
Apryl: Being able to be flexible in those moments and be able to accept another plan, planning and organizing, and then self-monitoring.
25:29
Apryl: So being able for your kiddo to start noticing, I'm getting upset, I'm getting overwhelmed.
25:34
Apryl: Just like I was saying, my daughter will say, I'm stressed out, right?
25:38
Apryl: Being able to recognize those emotions and then being able to put strategies in place.
25:45
Apryl: Let's walk through an example that I'm sure a lot of us have had.
25:51
Apryl: You say, time to turn off the iPad.
25:54
Apryl: And then what happens all of a sudden?
25:56
Apryl: The screaming, the refusing, the I hate you, why are you so mean?
26:03
Apryl: My life sucks.
26:04
Apryl: This is the worst, you're the worst, right?
26:06
Apryl: And then maybe they even throw the iPad.
26:10
Apryl: So what does this look like?
26:12
Apryl: And we hear this one so much in society is they're addicted to screens, they're defiant, they don't listen, they're spoiled, right?
26:21
Apryl: These are all of the thoughts that all of a sudden start going through our minds.
26:24
Apryl: And what does that do when we look at that problem and we think those, what happens to our lava inside?
26:32
Apryl: Is our lava cool, or is all of a sudden it is heated up and boom, we're gonna erupt as well?
26:38
Apryl: That's what happens when we look at it from our visible parenting.
26:45
Apryl: But when we switch to the invisible, we start to look at okay, what skills are most likely missing?
26:53
Apryl: Inhibition is one of them.
26:54
Apryl: They want to keep playing, there's the desire to keep playing, but they have the ability to pause on that impulse to keep playing, right?
27:05
Apryl: Emotional regulation here, where they are be they're able to tolerate frustration and disappointment.
27:14
Apryl: They're frustrated they have to turn it off, disappointed they can't play anymore.
27:18
Apryl: And so what we're seeing is that explosion, and how can we help them with emotional regulation skills?
27:25
Apryl: And then another one is that transition skill, that flexibility and working memory.
27:30
Apryl: So remembering that after screens, we do this, or we can't get the screen.
27:36
Apryl: Maybe they started playing the screen before they did their homework.
27:41
Apryl: Then they have they have to remember that and use those transactions in working memory.
27:46
Apryl: Okay, let's talk about another one.
27:48
Apryl: Let's talk about homework meltdown after school.
27:51
Apryl: So the trigger is grab your homework folder or grab your math worksheet or grab your book, whatever it is that you say each day, grab your backpack.
28:01
Apryl: And all of a sudden, the behavior that we see, the crying, the ripping the paper, saying, I'm stupid, shutting down, I can't do this, running to their room, slamming the door.
28:12
Apryl: So, what it looks like is they're lazy and they're trying to refuse.
28:17
Apryl: They refuse to try, they won't even do it.
28:21
Apryl: What's the invisible skills that's lacking here?
28:25
Apryl: Task initiation is a really hard one.
28:28
Apryl: So, this is where getting started feels really, really hard.
28:32
Apryl: Um, working memory, so being able to hold multi-step instructions in their mind, sustained attention and effort, and then emotional regulation around feeling incompetent or anxious.
28:45
Apryl: So, if you know, math is something they're not good at or reading is something they're not good at, and they feel incompetent and it makes them anxious, then that emotional regulation of working through that.
28:56
Apryl: When we only focus on stopping the behavior, remember the visible, we miss this chance to strengthen the underlying skill, the invisible.
29:04
Apryl: And what happens when we're only focusing on the visible, it's going to take longer to ever see change in our kids.
29:15
Apryl: If we want to see these behaviors stop, if we want to see the meltdowns stop, we have to focus on the invisible.
29:47
Apryl: Does it stop at long term?
29:49
Apryl: Punishment does not fix bad behavior.
29:52
Apryl: It fixes it in the moment, it does not fix it long term.
29:56
Apryl: What does fix it is learn teaching our kiddos these invisible skills.
30:01
Apryl: That's what's going to change it in the long term.
30:04
Apryl: Will it take longer?
30:06
Apryl: Because, like I said, when we're focusing on the visible skills and we're punishing the visible skills, we're going to see the behavior stop in that moment.
30:15
Apryl: When we're looking at the invisible skills, it may take longer in that moment, but over time we're going to see less of the behavior.
30:25
Apryl: Which one do you want?
30:27
Apryl: The behavior stopped in that moment and then the skills not built, or do you want them, these meltdowns, to slowly just mitigate because you're teaching the child skills?
30:36
Apryl: I'm going to take number two for sure.
30:39
Apryl: So our job is to be the detective.
30:42
Apryl: We have to start looking, or the I like to call it detective or the scientist, right?
30:47
Apryl: Detective to find the thing and then the scientist to test.
30:51
Apryl: So as the detective, what skill was too big for their nervous system right then?
30:57
Apryl: What skill was too big for their nervous system right then?
31:00
Apryl: What triggered them?
31:02
Apryl: And if you haven't taken the quiz yet, I highly recommend going to take the executive function quiz because it's going to show you where your kiddo is weaker than and where they're stronger.
31:13
Apryl: So that you know in these situations, oh, they're weak in this skill.
31:19
Apryl: That's probably the one that if we started focusing on, we'd see less of these meltdowns.
31:23
Apryl: You can take the quiz at raisingadh.org forward slash quiz.
31:27
Apryl: Now that we know the ABCs, let's talk about what it looks like to be the parent detective.
31:33
Apryl: Step one is you are going to debrief after the meltdown, not during.
31:40
Apryl: So don't try to analyze in the middle of the story.
31:43
Apryl: You're overwhelmed, all the things are happening, you're overstimulated as well.
31:47
Apryl: Wait until everyone's calm.
31:49
Apryl: You can even do it, you know, at night in bed.
31:52
Apryl: Just take out your meltdown toolkit and start tracking what happened.
31:57
Apryl: So you're gonna ask yourself, what was the antecedent?
32:00
Apryl: Remember, what was what happened before that meltdown?
32:04
Apryl: Then you're gonna look and say, what did I see and hear?
32:08
Apryl: Remember, the behavior has to be proven in the court of law.
32:12
Apryl: And then what happened afterwards?
32:14
Apryl: What was the consequence?
32:16
Apryl: What happened afterwards?
32:17
Apryl: Did you yell?
32:18
Apryl: Did a sibling give them attention and start yelling or hitting?
32:23
Apryl: Did you give in?
32:24
Apryl: What happened afterwards?
32:26
Apryl: Then step two is you're going to ask yourself what skills were needed here?
32:32
Apryl: Did the situation require shifting from one activity to another?
32:36
Apryl: That would be flexibility and transition.
32:38
Apryl: I have a whole chart of this in the toolkit.
32:40
Apryl: So check that out.
32:41
Apryl: Did it require stopping anything fun?
32:44
Apryl: So inhibition and emotional regulation.
32:46
Apryl: Did it involve multiple steps or remembering instructions?
32:50
Apryl: That working memory and planning?
32:52
Apryl: Or did they need to handle boredom or frustration?
32:56
Apryl: That emotional regulation.
32:59
Apryl: Step three, once you've identified the skills, is pick one skill to support.
33:04
Apryl: We want to make sure that we are targeting one skill per pattern, not trying to fix everything at once.
33:12
Apryl: When we try to fix everything, it's just like when people go on a diet.
33:16
Apryl: I use this example because it's such an easy one to use.
33:20
Apryl: But people go on a diet and they're like, okay, I'm throwing everything out of my pantry and I'm eating clean from now on.
33:26
Apryl: And then what did they do the next day?
33:28
Apryl: They're go to the grocery store and, you know, get all the junk food, right?
33:32
Apryl: Because they tried, they tried to do too much at once.
33:35
Apryl: We want to support one skill at a time.
33:38
Apryl: So maybe for screen time meltdowns, we're going to focus on that transition and emotional regulation.
33:44
Apryl: Just going to be able to, okay, when we transition, what do we do?
33:50
Apryl: How can we support that emotional relation?
33:53
Apryl: For homework meltdowns, we're going to focus on task initiation and breaking down the task.
33:59
Apryl: And here it's not just the child's responsibility to break down the task to do these things.
34:06
Apryl: We have to do it.
34:08
Apryl: We have to provide the scaffolding.
34:10
Apryl: We have to say, hey, buddy, let's just do one math problem, or let's just get your name on the worksheet.
34:17
Apryl: We want to get them success.
34:19
Apryl: Okay.
34:20
Apryl: Then number four, step number four is bring the skill outside the crisis.
34:27
Apryl: So practices and teach it when everyone is calm.
34:31
Apryl: So things that can be very helpful are those visual supports.
34:35
Apryl: So timers, checklists, calendars, depending on the situation.
34:40
Apryl: So if they do have screen time, getting a timer like this, right?
34:45
Apryl: This is one of the countdown timers where they can see it, getting them a countdown timer.
34:50
Apryl: I know some kids, my child included, sometimes like to reset the timer if I leave the room.
34:56
Apryl: So I will set a timer on my phone as well so that they cannot get their time manipulated.
35:03
Apryl: And I will tell my daughter, like, this is this tool, this timer is for you, so you can see it.
35:08
Apryl: I have a timer set as well.
35:10
Apryl: But this is so you know this is for you.
35:13
Apryl: This is not for me, right?
35:14
Apryl: So that they can't like they sometimes do.
35:18
Apryl: All kids do.
35:20
Apryl: Um roleplay transitions.
35:23
Apryl: So let's pretend the timer goes off and we practice.
35:25
Apryl: What do we do?
35:26
Apryl: Now, for some of our older kids, this seems very childish, but for our younger kids, this works.
35:33
Apryl: I used to do this in my classroom all the time.
35:36
Apryl: At the beginning of the school year, I would model, I'd have the kids all model like the rules.
35:43
Apryl: And we would do, okay, what does it look like?
35:46
Apryl: What does a what does it look like to um sit and read quietly?
35:53
Apryl: And they would show me, you know, they could be on the floor laying down, reading, whatever.
35:57
Apryl: Okay, how should we not read?
35:59
Apryl: And then they'd be sitting on their desk or putting their feet up on the desk or talking to a friend, right?
36:05
Apryl: We would model the good behavior and the bad behavior.
36:08
Apryl: We would do both so that they knew the difference.
36:12
Apryl: So being able to practice and pretend what happens when the timer goes off, doing both so that they also can see, okay, here's what I should be doing.
36:21
Apryl: Oh, and and they will laugh when they do the negative one.
36:26
Apryl: They will laugh, they'll think it's so funny.
36:28
Apryl: Um, but it does help for them to be able to see like, oh, this is ridiculous behavior, and I shouldn't do this.
36:36
Apryl: So try that.
36:37
Apryl: And then pre-teach calming strategies.
36:41
Apryl: So breathing, squeezes, having a recess spot.
36:46
Apryl: I've talked about this before.
36:47
Apryl: My daughter will go scream into a pillow.
36:50
Apryl: Um, so anything that helps them calm down, find one that works for them.
36:57
Apryl: Sometimes breathing makes other makes people more anxious because they're hyperventilating instead of breathing.
37:03
Apryl: So find what works for your kiddo.
37:06
Apryl: Some kids just need a quiet moment.
37:08
Apryl: My daughter's really good at this too.
37:09
Apryl: She will go into my closet, which is a quiet place, and she'll just sit there for a bit where it's quiet.
37:16
Apryl: So teaching these calming strategies and finding what works for your kiddo, then create a plan together.
37:25
Apryl: Next time the iPad has to go off, what could help your brain?
37:29
Apryl: And being able to talk to them about that and being able to start recognizing this in themselves, because again, we're teaching these invisible skills and we want them to be able to do this on their own, but we have to scaffold in support.
37:44
Apryl: So when we can ask those questions, like, okay, next time I asked for you to turn off the iPad, what could help your brain here?
37:50
Apryl: What could make it so this is easier and have them start recognizing that?
37:55
Apryl: And then finally, step number five is adjust the environment.
37:58
Apryl: This is where the scaffolding happens.
38:00
Apryl: We have to make the internal external.
38:05
Apryl: We have to externalize these executive functioning while the brain is developing.
38:10
Apryl: Just like in the last episode, I talked about holding your baby's hands when they're learning to walk.
38:14
Apryl: We're still holding our baby's hands, but these are for the brain skills, not the physical skills, the invisible instead of the visible.
38:22
Apryl: So, how can you metaphorically hold your kiddo's hand through learning these skills?
38:29
Apryl: So, some ideas, predictable routines, advanced warnings, and fewer last-minute changes, chunking tasks into smaller steps, protecting sleep, food, and downtime as regulation.
38:45
Apryl: So making those non-negotiables in your house.
38:48
Apryl: To wrap up, we talked about a lot here with meltdowns.
38:53
Apryl: But what it comes down to is again supporting and teaching those invisible skills instead of focusing on the visible.
39:01
Apryl: And when you track, do the ABCs, look at the antecedent behavior, and the consequence that followed.
39:08
Apryl: Remember, that's what happened after.
39:10
Apryl: It's not necessarily like a chosen consequence of you go to timeout.
39:15
Apryl: No, it's just literally what happened afterwards and what did the child get out of that.
39:20
Apryl: So we want to start looking at that, tracking that, and then noticing what skills are underlying these meltdowns so that we can start supporting them and scaffolding them, holding their hand while their brain learns these skills.
39:33
Apryl: I hope now from this episode, you can see we are going to stop asking ourselves, why do they keep doing this?
39:39
Apryl: Why are they melting down?
39:40
Apryl: They're acting like a toddler.
39:42
Apryl: To what skills and supports do they need here?
39:45
Apryl: What invisible skills do I, as a parent, need to start supporting and scaffolding, start holding their hand through to help them learn these skills.
39:55
Apryl: Remember that skills grow slowly with repetition, support, and nervous system safety.
40:02
Apryl: The more that we can do that, the quicker they'll build these skills.
40:07
Apryl: And just like learning to walk, our kiddos learn at different rates.
40:11
Apryl: And some of these skills, they're gonna learn faster than others.
40:15
Apryl: Just like some of your kiddos, some kids learn to talk very early, but then they don't walk very soon.
40:21
Apryl: They walk later.
40:22
Apryl: Or maybe they're just fast at learning all of it.
40:25
Apryl: Skills will develop, we just have to help support, and it may be slower than we want it to be, but don't give up.
40:32
Apryl: Remember, you do not have to be perfect.
40:36
Apryl: Small changes in how you interpret and respond can reduce the intensive intensity and frequency of your meltdown, of the meltdowns over time.
40:46
Apryl: So just being able to, how are you interpreting these, how are you responding, can help with the meltdowns as well.
40:53
Apryl: So again, I want you to start looking at your meltdowns, at your kiddos' meltdowns, and start noticing, start being that detective.
41:04
Apryl: And then the science part of it, the scientist part of it is start testing strategies to see what works for your kiddo to help them build these invisible executive function skills.
41:17
Apryl: So remember, you can grab the entire meltdown toolkit that has trackers that talks about in this situation, here's the skills that would be missing.
41:26
Apryl: You can grab that all at raisingadh.org forward slash meltdown.
41:32
Apryl: See you next week, hopefully with a few less meltdowns for you this week.
41:37
Apryl: See you next week, friend.
41:38
Brian Bradford: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
41:42
Brian Bradford: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
41:45
Brian Bradford: Small shifts can make a big difference.
41:48
Brian Bradford: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
41:57
Brian Bradford: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
42:02
Brian Bradford: Until then, you got this, and we've got your back.