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Marsha Vanwynsberghe - When She Stopped Asking Why · Postcards to the Universe

0:07
Welcome to Postcards to the Universe with Melissa Capria. Do you believe in magic?
0:14
What if you were told that all you had to do was get a
0:17
little creative and work a magic spell to bring anything you can imagine into your
0:22
life. Here on Postcards to the Universe, we will share manifesting tips,
0:28
postcards, creativity, abundance, and prosperity. Here is your host, Melissa
0:34
Capria. Hey guys, and welcome to Postcards to the Universe with Melissa Creating
0:41
the life you crave. Happy Fourth for everybody in America who's celebrated. I
0:48
hope you guys had a nice Fourth of July. And wherever you are,
0:54
I hope you're staying cool and hydrated. In South Florida and it is hot
1:00
here, let me tell you it's boiling, so I know it's boiling kind
1:04
of in a lot of places. So I hope you guys are staying cool
1:07
and hydrated. I have a really cool guest today. She's author Marsha Van
1:14
Winesburg, and she's going to join me in just a few minutes. She's
1:18
a six time best selling author and she's going to be sharing her story with
1:22
us. So I'll bring her out here in just a few to my regulars.
1:26
I always like to say thank you so much. Keep coming back.
1:30
I love that you guys keep listening to my show, really appreciate it.
1:33
And if you're tuning in to me for the first time, I want to
1:36
give you a big, warm welcome, thank you. I hope you keep
1:38
coming back. And just an FYI, you can always catch the show if
1:44
you miss it live on the replay. There's always a replay uploaded on home
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Times. And also I put a podcast on my website, Postcards to the
1:53
Universe. So a little bit about me. I am an artist. I'm
1:57
a photographer and author, and I have a book and it's titled Postcards to
2:02
the Universe, Harness the Universe's power and manifest your dreams. And my book
2:08
I feature thirty manifesting stories and I took the photographs of the people who contributed
2:16
to the book. They're manifesting postcards and a manifesting postcards kind of like a
2:21
mini vision board, as most people know what vision boards are, and so
2:24
when they are manifestation came into the reality. We shared their story. So
2:32
that's in the book. And in the book, I have all these exercises
2:36
and it helps us get clear on what it is we want to manifest,
2:38
and then there's a lot of fun tools and tips to do in manifesting more
2:45
abundance in you know, the areas of money and health and love and career.
2:51
So that's all in the book too, So if you're interested, please
2:54
go to your favorite bookstore or online and grab yourself a cop be. I
3:00
keep asking each week, and I will keep asking every show to please send
3:06
me a manifesting postcard. They're super fun to make and not as hard as
3:13
people think they are. And if you want to learn about how to do
3:16
that, just go to Postcards to the Universe dot com. Check it out.
3:21
I tell you how to do it. And also if you sign up
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for the newsletter, you get two free gifts. A postcard manifesting toolkit that
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tells you like what supplies to get and how to create one, and also
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a little manifesting guide tutorial thing that I created as a gift for people who
3:38
like to sign up in the Join my Movement section of my website. So
3:45
if you're on Facebook. Two, I always like to mention I have a
3:47
group. It's called Postcards of Love, and it's just a place that I
3:51
like is public where we share like funny and uplifting stuff. I like to
3:53
share a lot of cute animal stuff because I'm such an animal person. You
3:58
know, anything that makes us feel good, that's what I want to put
4:00
out in the world, anything that makes us feel good. So I've been
4:04
talking the last couple of weeks because I have a workshop coming up on July
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twentieth, which is a Thursday evening six pm Eastern Time, goes six to
4:16
eight. It runs five weeks, and it's called Manifesting through a Gratitude,
4:21
a visual journey. So in the workshop, we're going to cover living in
4:27
gratitude, and I have found that gratitude is one of the most powerful tools
4:32
that we can use to manifesting more abundance in our lives. So if you
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join, we're going to do writing exercises. It's online, so you can
4:45
do it from the comfort of your house. There's going to be a daily
4:46
visual gratitude practice. And what's really cool about this course is we're going to
4:54
use our camera phones as part of it, so we're going to be photographing
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and in certain areas of our life. There especially there is we want to
5:02
bring more of that into our life, so we're going to be using that
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and then each week I'm going to have people create a manifesting postcard on the
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specific areas what we're working on. So we're going to be working on Week
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one is focusing on self love and worthiness, because if we do not feel
5:23
worthy of what we want, it doesn't matter what we do, it's not
5:27
coming. We have to be an energetic match for that. Week two we're
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going to talk about our health and our overall wellness a Week three looks at
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our money story and our financial abundance. And week four we go into our
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personal relationships. And our personal relationships include family, friends, co workers,
5:46
romance of course, so any kind of relationship. So we're going to cover
5:51
that. And then the fifth and final week is going to be dedicated to
5:56
a personal check in sharing our experiences comes up for us, and of course
6:00
an open Q and A. And at the end of each two hours each
6:04
week, we're going to have some time to talk about, you know,
6:09
some things and have questions answered. And it's fun, you know, it's
6:14
going to be a lot of fun. And sometimes when you take a course,
6:16
you know it's like, I don't know, maybe it's just me.
6:19
But anytime I have a project that I've committed to, I'm really good at
6:25
making sure I show up, you know, like I don't. I don't
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procrastinate like I tend to when I'm left to my own devices. So I
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hope that you do join me. And you know, my goal is for
6:38
people to feel inspired to continue on their journey, filled with gratitude in their
6:43
lives. To have a sense of purpose and well being in all areas of
6:46
our life is the goal to finding joy, and like I said, gratitude
6:50
is the most powerful and effective way to do that. So we're going to
6:55
be living in gratitude for you know, a little while. So I really
6:59
really hope that you join me. And if you want to and find out
7:01
more information, go to find f FI n D uniquely U dot com,
7:12
U n I q U E l yu the letter U dot com forward slash
7:16
Melissa Caaprio and you'll find the course and at the end, you know,
7:21
you're going to have this beautiful visual gratitude journal. So instead of just writing,
7:27
we're going to have a visual gratitude journal. And since I'm a photographer,
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you know that's totally in my wheelhouse, all right, So each week,
7:35
I share a magical message because I was just talking about how I do
7:41
everything visually, and I posted on social media. It's usually an image of
7:45
a manifesting postcard that someone has set me. Sometimes it's a card I find
7:49
with an affirmation and I photograph the affirmation. Because I love affirmations. I
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use them all the time. I think they're very powerful to become a new
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belief in our lives. So this week's is the law of abundance. And
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if you've never heard of this, I'll just give you a quick what that
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is. So the law of abundance is an abiding principle within universal laws.
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It is the simple fact that there is an unlimited source of everything we need
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or could ever want. This great abundance is already ours, infinitely available to
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all of us all the time. If this is made up of divine energy,
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it is everywhere, and it is in everything, and including us,
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we are this divine energy. Divine energy is the source of all abundance.
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It fills all space. So the law of abundance states that there is nowhere
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that it is not, So there is no lack anywhere anytime. It is
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equally available to all aspects of itself, including both you and me. Right,
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So if you really think about that, of course, that's hard to
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kind of conceive when we say about everything we don't have. And that's the
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great thing about the gratitude. This is going to help us shift into this
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law of abundance because the more grateful we feel, the more things to come
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into us to be grateful for. So it's about changing and shifting our energy.
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Once we can do that, we move up, we vibrate higher energetically,
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and we will attract those things into our lives. You don't have to
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worry about the how when who plays this. All you have to know is
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how you feel inside. So that's what we're working on, all right,
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So I just wanted to give you that. Now I'm gonna bring on my
9:37
guest toay. Marcia van Weinsberg. She is this is what she calls herself,
9:45
which I love it, storytelling, an LP trainer, speaker, publisher,
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and she's also an author and a podcaster. She is the sixth time
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best selling author of When She Stopped Asking Why. She shares her lessons as
10:01
a parent who dealt with teen substance abuse that tore her family unit apart and
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Marsha has been published seven times, most recently with her co platform Everybody Holds
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a Story, and she is on a mission to continue to help women and
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men to speak, share, and publish their stories through her tool tools,
10:22
Outspoken, NLP certification programs, coaching, and podcasts. She teaches the power
10:28
of radical responsibility and owning your choices in your own life. She empowers people
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to heal and own their stories, be conscious leaders, and build platform businesses
10:41
that create massive impact. I love that. So you can follow along and
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learn more about Marcia if you go to her website and I'm going to spell
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it out to you. It's Marsha vanw dot com. That's www dot Marcia
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mr sha va nw dot com. Welcome Marcia, thanks for being here with
11:03
me today. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled
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to be here. Oh I'm so excited to talk to you. Okay,
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so I just talked and talked, so I'm gonna give you give you the
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floor. So why don't you share a little bit about who you are and
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what made you get into what you're doing now. I mean, it sounds
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like you had some family stuff, which we all have, right that sort
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of of course, you know kind of transported you probably to where you are
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today. So why don't you share your story with us? Oh, thank
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you so much. Yes, exactly that family stuff. I walked through some
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of those challenging times that I never expected or predicted. We don't we seen
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substance abuse. But it more importantly, my story is about me and how
11:52
did I navigate through a difficult time. And I think that is one of
11:56
the big misconceptions when it comes to sharing our story is people say, but
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how do we share a story and leave others in integrity? And I believe
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you could do that, and I believe that our stories do connect us.
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And so as I started to find a way to move through my story,
12:13
which were a lot of support and help, I did not try and do
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it on my own. I found myself in a space where I started to
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share, and it was on some small stages, then it was some bigger
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stages, and I found myself in a space where I was having these moments
12:28
of recognizing that sharing my story was allowing me to heal in ways that I
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couldn't have plans on, and it was also allowing me to realize how much
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how many people were affected by shame stories. I was going away. I
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always have people come up to me and say, that's my story. I
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haven't shared it with the soul thirty years, forty years, and I'm just
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watching these who are like shoving down emotions and pain and shame and letting it
12:56
define themselves. And so ironicly, what's happening is it was helping me to
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heal, but it was giving me fuel. It was just giving me fuel
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that wait, this is this is something more, this is something bigger,
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and I think I'm supposed to do something with this. And through that process,
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I started a podcast because back in twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen, when
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I was really starting to share on stages and I published my sollobook in twenty
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seventeen, I mean, social media was extremely curious, extremely curated. It
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was very much about perfection and what things look like, and no matter where
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I turned, I couldn't find people talking about difficult stories. And because of
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that, you know, we're left feeling like we're completely alone, which isn't
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true at all, but we only feel that way because nobody wants to talk
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about the difficult story. So that's where it all started. And I mean
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We're five hundred and seventy episodes deep in my own show on Your Choices,
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on Your Life, and I published seven times, and I'm currently helping other
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people to learn how to share a mulmible stories. So no shortage of people
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who've walked through difficult stories and they want to do something positive and good with
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it. So I wish I could go back and tell my younger self back
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when she was feeling completely excited that you're not alone. You're only alone because
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nobody's talking, right. So you you talk about the power of owning your
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story. So usually our stories don't involve us alone, right, There's always
14:28
other actors in our own story. So like from your example, from what
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I read, so you were dealing with a teen substance abuse issue in your
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family, right, So, but you're owning your own story. So what
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I found interesting about that is like, we are also players in other people's
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stories, So we have to take accountability for our role. Even if we
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aren't the ones that are having the issue, I guess would be the right
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way to say it, we still have a place in the story. So
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how do we do that When let's say you're dealing with you know, teens
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that have substance abuse problems or relationships that are falling apart, and it may
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be the other person, maybe they I don't know the antagonist. I don't
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know what other word to use, you know what I mean though, when
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I say that, like, but we're still in that story, how do
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we do that? And it's it's very tricky, very tricky, And thank
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you for asking that question, because that's probably one of my number one questions.
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Is really when when I was in this exact tipping point space, a
15:37
counselor recommended that I read Melody Babies, So Dependent No More. And I
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remember immediately going like, I'm not, kind of that's ridiculous, I am
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not. And I got through about two pages and I was like, oh
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crap, I am, Like I am, I am? And so when
15:52
I say like radical responsibility, owning your choices, taking responsibility for yourself,
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that means that we're all playing a part in every single thing that's happening to
16:02
us, which is really hard to see when you're in institution that it feels
16:07
like I'm not a problem, but we're all contributing. And so one way
16:11
that I was starting to understand that I was contributing is how I reacted.
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So when I reacted to situations, you know, as the counselor says to
16:18
me, and I still use it to this day, you can either throw
16:22
gas or sand on every single argument that you were invited into. And when
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you're not in a very good regulated place, which I wasn't, I was
16:30
literally throwing gas everywhere, and so I was constantly feeling depleted. No,
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we were not getting anywhere as a unit, and it wasn't working. And
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so learning how to take responsibility for myself, which meant there was a lot
16:45
of things I was taking ownership responsibility for that I had to let go of
16:48
and then starting to build myself up. When I did that, I found
16:52
that I was responding instead of reacting. And the more I did that,
16:56
I went, okay, wait, this is different, Like spotting is very
17:00
different than reacting and putting boundaries in place and taking care of myself. And
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it's ironic because it's not just with kids, this with any relationships in our
17:10
lives, Like we teach people more by our actions in our words, like
17:15
way more by our actions than our words, and so learning how to do
17:19
that like it, Yes, it helped me to share my story. But
17:22
it really helped me to survive. It helped me to survive, and it
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still supports me to this day, especially when I deal with any of the
17:30
challenges that come up. And it's that piece of like taking responsibility for myself
17:37
and learning, Like when I'm not reacting in a way that I don't I
17:41
don't love to see, I immediately stopped them, like, wait, what
17:44
are you not doing? What are you not doing to take care of yourself
17:47
right now? Let's forget what they're doing. What are you not doing?
17:49
And I stop and look at it. It's like, okay, wait,
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all these skulf care things that I do, all these things that helped me
17:55
to be my best self Marshi's just let them go, Like you have to
17:57
get back to what works for you. It becomes a home base for me
18:02
to always come back into a space of ownership to recognize what do I need
18:07
to be my best self every day? M Yeah. I kind of sort
18:12
of learned that way too. Like I after after my divorce, I read
18:18
Codependence No More and I, oh, my god, it's crazy. Yes,
18:23
And I was like, oh, and you know, and I just
18:29
went, oh, yes, and then it is I had a twofold experience
18:33
and maybe you had this also, I don't know, But so on the
18:37
one end, it was it was very eye opening and not easy to digest
18:45
to own myself in part of that story. He was emotionally abusive and a
18:52
gas lighter. So I'll just put that out there. I've talked about it
18:53
before, but anyway, so, but I was in that relationship, right,
18:59
so it was easy for me just to blame everything over there for a
19:02
while and then I had to. So it was very painful that I had
19:06
to own my part of it in the relationship. But then what happened was
19:11
that was empowering after Yes, like it took a little bit, It takes
19:17
a little bit, but it started to become empowering because then I thought,
19:19
I don't I know, now I don't have to I can draw strong boundaries.
19:26
I don't have to allow this anymore, And it shifted everything. Did
19:30
you have that similar experience? Oh, I absolutely thank you for sharing that.
19:36
Yeah, absolutely. When it's Here's the thing is is that when we
19:40
recognize where we're not being our best self or where we are part of the
19:44
problem. I think one of the missing pieces that people don't talk about is
19:48
that that we have the awareness we see it, but don't nifly like Shane
19:53
Jusment criticism, because you literally just keep that behavior alive. You keep it
19:57
alive, and you keep yourself stuck in that moment. But when you do
20:02
recognize it, it does become very empowering that it's like, wait, I
20:06
actually can I do have some control? I do have some control. And
20:08
how I respond to this, how I handle this, how I show up,
20:12
how I carry myself. And it is a shift in personal power because
20:17
I often say that in the beginning stages, you're in the story, and
20:22
when you're in the story, that's when we're in the victim mindset. We're
20:26
replaying the story over and over again, like we're in a space of blame.
20:30
And when we're in there, that is not the time to be sharing
20:33
a story. That is not the time to be putting yourself out there.
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It's like time to take care of you. But when you get to a
20:37
space where you're what I call on the story, you now have perspective.
20:42
You can now see it differently, you can reflect on it, You catch
20:45
the behaviors, and you recognize that as hard as it is, like you
20:51
wouldn't be the person that you are today without walking through that. And so
20:56
doing that process allowed me to forgive and like overman and you know, be
21:00
in more of a space of trust in myself that I could navigate this and
21:04
figure it out. So it was not an overnight no way, it was
21:07
an overnight story. It was a little tiny steps that happened over a long
21:12
period of time. And then you get to look back on it and say,
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okay, this all right, Now, I see how I got here.
21:18
This makes sense? Yeah, yeah, no, exactly. Yeah,
21:22
you have to. I guess that's why they say hindsight is twenty twenty,
21:26
right. You need to be a little bit removed sometimes to be able to
21:29
look back and say, oh, I see it now, and I see
21:32
the patterns, and I see what happened and what I did and what they
21:34
did and how it you know, how it manifested and how it played out
21:38
and everything. But when you're in it, it's not you can't. You
21:42
just don't have them. You know, you're not removed enough from it.
21:47
You're living the story, you're feeling. It's too painful. So would you
21:49
say that our voice needs to be heard? So what do you mean by
21:53
that, I believe that we all have a story. That's the other question.
21:59
People I don't have a story, or I don't have as big as
22:02
a trauma as somebody else. I think we're all walking through something that we
22:07
can choose to use to help others. Like I think that it is,
22:11
there comes a point in time where the lessons that we live and learn on
22:15
repeat in our life that we actually don't need them in a way anymore.
22:19
We don't need them, and by learning how to share our story, we
22:22
sort to connect and find the people that we're actually meant to support, to
22:27
impact, to help, to make a difference. And it's really being that
22:33
the sense of support the person who can guide the younger version of yourself.
22:38
Really, we're all perfectly equipped to help the younger version of ourselves, and
22:42
there's thousands and thousands of the younger version of ourselves out there, and so
22:47
when we learn how to share that story, you can help somebody else out,
22:51
which is really powerful when you've been stuck in a shame story for a
22:53
long time. And the second piece of it is is it's like one of
22:56
the most healing things I think to do is I grew up in an era
23:00
where you didn't talk about difficult things, like you shoved that stuff down and
23:04
you didn't show emotion. It was actually discouraged to show emotion. And so
23:10
I grew up with that, and now in a space, I just have
23:14
such a different reflection in who I am and what I'm here to do and
23:18
how I can help others, And I just think normalizing talking about difficult stories.
23:25
Our stories are what connects us, and so if I can help others
23:29
to learn how to do that, it's an incredibly freeing feeling. It really
23:33
is. It creates what do they say, It creates a message out of
23:38
a mess, Like it really is taking that mess and turning it into a
23:41
message. And it just feels good to do something with the worst experience in
23:47
your life. That's just my take on the whole thing. Yeah, you're
23:52
transmuting the pain into something more powerful, right. Yeah, And I heard
23:57
this, I can't remember who said it, that our secrets to make us
24:03
sick. So sharing your story, I think is very can be very healing,
24:08
right, not only on our emotional body, but on our physical body,
24:11
because now we know that stress and pain can can cause us to have
24:18
disease in our body. We know that there's a correlation, right, So
24:21
we know that. So so yeah, our voice does need to be heard.
24:25
And like you said, you know, you got to a place where
24:30
you, you know, sharing your story has other people have come to you
24:33
and said, oh, Mike, so glad you shared that I went through
24:37
something similar. You know, I'm not alone. You know, people like
24:41
to know that they're not alone when they're going through their pain, and so
24:47
I think it's that's really really important. So how did you, like,
24:51
like, okay, so you're going through this in your family dynamics, Like
24:53
what made you decide to start like, oh, you know what, I
24:56
think I need to start sharing the story? Like how did that come about?
25:00
Out? It is a big leaps. It is definitely a big leap.
25:03
I'm not gonna not gonna lie there. And it is funny when it's
25:08
when somebody says it back to me, I'm like, yeah, I often
25:11
you know what. I think there was something about a blind faith that I
25:14
just didn't know any differently, I knew I didn't want to stay where I
25:17
was anymore. And it started very very small in a sense that we had
25:22
a very good relationship with the school, and the school said you know,
25:25
would you mind speaking to these parents because we actually don't know what to say,
25:30
Like we really don't know what to say. And that's where it started.
25:33
And all of a sudden, I remember sitting there speaking to a group
25:36
of parents and having this moment of like, wow, this actually wasn't as
25:41
hard as I thought it would be, and it actually it's so good to
25:44
help somebody else out. And so it really started super small, and then
25:49
over the course of time, you know, one of my accounts are said
25:52
to me, you know, how is that going, et cetera. I'm
25:55
like, why just there's nobody talking about these difficult things in life. And
25:57
I remembers we're saying, maybe that's because you're supposed to. And it was
26:00
this moment of like, that's crazy, and what if that's true? Like
26:06
it was just this moment I could feel a light switch go on that what
26:08
if that's true? And over time, probably over the course of a year,
26:12
I had a lot of little speaking engagements, you know, a hundred
26:17
people, fifty people and changing. And then I was approached by our CBC
26:22
radio station acting if they could do an interview, and I thought, okay,
26:26
that's fine, because nobody listens to CBC Radio and and I did the
26:32
interview. They decided to bring me in line. And I remember doing the
26:36
interview and it felt really good, and they said afterwards, you know,
26:38
they were impressed in the sense that I wasn't speaking from a space of anger,
26:42
and that was something that could really help people, right because it's written
26:48
space so much. And after that, my phone literally blew up and it
26:52
was like, Okay, Wow, the world knows now, so I guess
26:56
there's no need to hide it. And that's literally where it was. Just
26:57
I was actually grateful for the way it came out very publicly, and you
27:03
know, I mean, we often think that nobody knows what's happening in our
27:06
lives. People know people are struggling. They might not know kills, but
27:10
people do know. And that's how it all came out. And then all
27:12
of a sudden, it was just continue to grow from there. Oh my
27:15
god, I love that. Okay, So I just looked at the time,
27:18
we're going to take our break here because I want to talk about what
27:22
radical I know what radical responsibility means, but I don't know if a lot
27:26
of people know that term. So I want to talk about that when we
27:29
come back. So guys, stay tuned and Marshan, I'll be back in
27:32
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Creating the Life you Crave at four pm Eastern Time, I share tips
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guests, trailblazers, mystics and creatives who enrich our lives. Hey, everybody,
30:41
welcome back. If you're just joining me, I have best six time
30:45
best selling author Marcia van Weinsberg with me, and we're talking about owning our
30:51
stories, even our painful stories, even stories filled with shame and guilt and
30:56
all that fun stuff that we don't like to talk about. Um, okay,
31:00
So Marcia, this is important because I think that this is a game
31:04
changer and it's not easy to hear, and it's not easy to do,
31:10
but it really does shift everything. Is us, each individually taking radical responsibility
31:18
in our own life about what is going on right. So let's let's let's
31:25
talk about what that means. Now. Obviously, if you're a little child
31:29
and you're under the influence of parents and you know, grown ups who are
31:32
abusing you, that's we're not talking about. That. We're talking about as
31:36
adults as as thinking adults, right, being radically responsible for how we show
31:41
up. Yeah, I mean we're not talking about little kids here who have
31:44
no autonomy over their own life, right, Yeah, no, definitely right
31:49
right yeah, right, radical responsibility is a really it was. It was
31:56
a very powerful shift for me in my life words, when I really started
32:00
to understand that, you know, I was spending all of my time and
32:05
energy to sixth bandage to control everyone else. It wasn't working. So I
32:08
was saying every resource I had it wasn't working, and it was leaving me
32:13
resentful, feeling like I have no time for me. You know, my
32:15
health is in the worst space, like and really, what that is is
32:20
that's the space of blame, right, And we're hearing a space of blame.
32:23
You're what you're doing is you're literally just giving your personal power away because
32:29
you're saying your life won't change until whatever you're blaming somebody else for will change.
32:35
So you're basically sitting in this space saying my life will change when everyone
32:38
else changes, when that's actually not how it happens. You have to decide
32:43
to go first. So when you sit in a space of blame, blame
32:46
is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of ownership. So that's why
32:51
I couldn't understand like owning my choices and radical responsibility, because I was only
32:54
in a space of blame and you have to find a way to let go
32:59
of that victim mentality and take responsibility for yourself. And it really was very,
33:05
very small steps, and it was all day long. I would catch
33:08
myself going, right, that's not my choice, that's not my choice,
33:12
but this one's mine, Like this one's mine. And if I found myself
33:15
in the space of blame, it's like, wait, no, that's actually
33:19
not anyone else's fault. This is what I have to pay attention to.
33:22
And so it was leading and coaching myself in moments of figuring out was working,
33:29
was not working, how to call myself out when I knew it wasn't
33:31
working, And that started to shift, and so over time it got easier
33:37
to catch what was I taking responsibility for and what was mine. And it
33:43
really did gets to the point where I would say the words like that's not
33:45
my choice. I own my choice, Like that's not my choice, I
33:49
own my choice, And I just kept shifting in the moment all day long,
33:53
and as I did that, it helped because see, just to again
33:58
put into contact like we were, they were miners, so I couldn't physically
34:02
change my situation like it actually was the way it I could have walked.
34:07
That about the only option I would have had. Um, So I had
34:10
to find a way to manage it. And I think when we're walking through
34:15
difficult times as humans, we spend so much time trying to change the situation
34:21
or change their story instead of helping ourselves get better at handling what we are
34:25
given. And I think that was where it shifted, is really like how
34:29
do I take responsibility for myself so that I can get better and handle this?
34:34
And ironically I didn't know it then, but ironically it's exactly what they
34:37
got to do, right, Like like they had to a space of saying
34:40
this is this is like I want to create change, and they have.
34:44
But that's really what it comes down to, is is that change, real
34:47
sustainable change, no matter who we are, comes from us. It comes
34:52
from us internally, right, whether it's anything we're changing in our life.
34:57
And so that's where I believe, like if you use the example parenting,
35:01
but I think we can be more impactful by our actions and not our words,
35:06
because I know I was about enough words, left, right and center,
35:08
and it was doing nothing actions. Consistently choosing actions had more of an
35:15
impact because it didn't change the story. It changed how I showed up in
35:21
my story, how I responded to my day to day life, which ultimately
35:24
changed the story. And I think that's the big piece of radical responsibility.
35:29
It's like really living at cause in your life, even though it might look
35:34
like you can't control ninety five percent of what's happening. Yeah, yeah,
35:37
no, I mean everything shifted when I took responsibility, and you know,
35:44
drew and still continue to have strong boundaries about certain things, you know,
35:50
and yeah, people who know you a long time will buck up against it.
35:54
They'll try to manipulate you, they'll try to change it. But eventually,
36:00
once they've realized that you are very grounded in you're like, my no,
36:05
it's my no, or I'm not doing this or whatever. Eventually people
36:09
get it and it stops being you know, because they're like, oh,
36:14
well, she you know, with her, or she when she says this,
36:16
she means it. You know, it's a but it's very empowering to
36:22
feel that way and it's empowering to do that. And I know a lot
36:27
of people and I laugh, in relationships, romantic relationships, you know,
36:31
they think like, oh, I'll be the one to change that person.
36:36
You know, Oh we're in love. I'm going to be the one to
36:37
change all they've told you, They've showed you everything you need to know about
36:42
who they are. But okay, you want to go in and think that
36:44
you're going to go change it. Because we know we cannot change anybody else.
36:49
We have to change ourselves. And what happens is is when you do
36:53
that, this situation has to change because you've changed the energy and the dynamic.
37:00
Whether it's with your children, with your spouses, with lovers, with
37:04
co workers, it doesn't matter. Something will shift, you know. And
37:07
that's just kind of what happens. And it's very enlightening and empowering when it
37:12
does. When you see it in action, right, it is it's actually
37:19
it's really hard to explain it exactly what you're saying is that you see in
37:22
action. It's like, wait, that it's actually working, and it creates
37:25
a feedback loop for you to keep going. And you when you said the
37:30
word boundaries are, which I mean, I have like multiple podcasts episode of
37:34
the bound boundaries because it's an incredibly important topic. And the people right who
37:37
will be triggered by your boundaries are the ones who benefited by you not having
37:40
any in the first place. Right, So you know, people I see
37:45
clients so excited that they figured out their boundaries that they're like, wait,
37:49
everybody's resisting them. I'm like, they're going to, They're going to.
37:52
That's normal. And when you do that, I always like to have.
37:54
The shift is that you are not terming someone else way, you're actually choosing
38:00
you. And the more you choose you, especially when you're in a difficult
38:05
situation, you just elevate your own self worth a little bit more and a
38:08
little bit more and a little bit more. And that's really powerful. Like
38:12
that is something that is like you are now committing and following through and changing
38:17
how you feel about yourself and that changes how you show up and now you're
38:22
in a completely different loop again. So it's really powerful when you start to
38:25
do those pieces consistent. Yeah, yeah, oh god so but yeah,
38:31
and when you see it in action, you're like, oh, this is
38:34
good. This is working, like working. So when I'm curious, okay,
38:44
so you're, you know, with your books and you share and you
38:46
talk and you give talks in your podcast. How do you handle people coming
38:52
at you like criticism or judgments or people saying you shouldn't be sharing that that's
38:59
personal. I don't know. People can, especially a social media I can
39:02
really come at you. You know, when they're hiding behind a screen.
39:07
It's real easy to say say stuff. So how do you handle that?
39:13
I love this question, And in the beginning it was like very all consuming.
39:17
And now when I see like see that, I'm like, oh,
39:21
there's another one, there's another one. And I do get I get some
39:23
unbelievably naty comments. And I just created a criteria and it worked for me,
39:30
especially when we were in the thick of it, and I just continued,
39:32
if you're not offering, if you're not like walking in my shoes,
39:37
like on the arena floor with me, right, Renie Brown uses the quote
39:39
about being in the arena with you, I can get further because the arena
39:45
has like seats up to five hundred Nosbley, right, so I need go
39:47
to crap. If you're up at the very top and the five hundreds and
39:51
you're spouting down information at me and to me, the people I'm most interested
39:55
with, like are you walking the walk with me? Are you on the
39:59
floor with me? And that's my criteria. And that meant that there were
40:04
times I had to cut family out because I'm like, wait, you're you're
40:07
gonna about information, but you're not here walking with me every day, So
40:10
I'm actually not interested in your opinion. And I would say that I'm not
40:13
interested in your opinions. I didn't know, and oh I got better,
40:16
and yeah, I got better at not reacting. It was like thanks for
40:21
your opinion, don't remember asking, or just simply thanks for your opinion.
40:24
And I just believe it at that because it's it's actually really powerful when you
40:29
learn to say less, it really is powerful. And so I really just
40:34
started practicing that. And I also just come from a space like when it
40:38
comes to I'm a I'm an NLP neuralinguistic programming trainer. So I teach it,
40:44
I know it, I understand it. Like I like to believe that
40:47
people are doing the best that they can with the situation that they have.
40:51
I believe that they are. I don't give it any more energy than that.
40:54
And if I get those comments, I get to excide how much energy
40:59
I did them. So if I get a hundred comments, which can happen,
41:01
and I get one crappy one, do I spend my time on the
41:06
one? Or do I focus on the ninety nine? And if I look
41:08
at that comment it's like that one doesn't feel good, I literally just delete
41:13
block. I just not interested. And that's just say it from a neutral
41:15
standpoint, not interested, because this thing is is that as humans, especially
41:22
when I see so many people who are sharing a difficult story, is this
41:25
piece that they're so afraid of what the people in their life are going to
41:30
think today. But they're not the ones that are meant to hear your story.
41:35
You're actually meant to connect with people outside of that. So please then
41:38
let the people in your life today who are overly judgmental or critical block you
41:44
from moving forward. Because I look at where I am now, and probably
41:49
ninety nine percent of the people who are in my life today I didn't know
41:51
six years ago, and I can't even imagine my life without them. So
41:54
I'm so grateful I didn't let the people at that time in my life stop
41:59
me from moving forward, because it would have blocked me from who I'm here
42:02
to see now. So when I look at that, I just I say,
42:06
like, you're going to get that criticism. It's going to be there.
42:08
The other big piece I just want to share on this is is that
42:12
I guarantee you, like nobody judges us more than what we judge ourselves.
42:15
Seriously, nobody judges us more that we are our biggest critics through and through.
42:21
And when I had somebody come at me faith to faith with their comments,
42:25
I remember having this moment of going, huh, I've already sent these
42:29
things to myself, and then all of a sudden it became crystal clear that
42:31
it's like, you know, why, why on earth am I giving this
42:35
person so much power in my life when I'm literally talking to myself that way,
42:39
And that's that just became the mirror that I needed to change my own
42:44
behavior and to say, you know why we're good our relationship we don't need
42:47
to have like this isn't working. And there are people that literally walk men
42:52
never spoken to them. Since then, M yeah, I've had the same
42:54
experiences. I've had similar experiences where I find we had to say how I
43:00
was, you know, my own truth, and people couldn't handle it and
43:05
people and a lot of times there's the people that are you're very close with,
43:07
right because and it's and those people are no longer a part of my
43:14
life. And you know that's okay because I'm not in the same place.
43:19
And you know what, I wouldn't want those kind of relationships anymore anyway when
43:23
I look back from it from this perspective. And a lot of times,
43:27
you know, family, especially family, sometimes they feel like they have a
43:30
right to tell you what they think all the time. So you can put
43:35
your thing up and say, listen, I appreciate it, but I don't
43:38
really need to hear your opinion right now, Thank you very much. Keep
43:42
it to yourself. You can do it in a respectful way. And I
43:45
do notice that, yeah, yeah, And I notice that, like a
43:49
lot of times when people are trolling, you know, the trolls that say
43:52
stuff online, something you're doing is triggering them, right, it's triggering.
43:58
Why are you having such a reaction. There's a trigger in there, So
44:01
that means that they're already in so much pain because happy, joyful people don't
44:07
do that, right, So we already you know they don't, so you
44:13
will you will never get criticized by somebody doing more than you. It's never
44:16
going to happen the people who are criticizing you other ones. It's just not
44:21
going to happen. It happened for the people who are in your life now
44:24
who are like resenting what you're doing, yeah, yeah, or they're resenting
44:30
how you used to be, which made them comfortable because they felt like we
44:35
have a tendency at humans. We have a tendency to look at people and
44:37
go, they're doing better than us, they're doing worse than us that comparison.
44:40
And I say this, and I've said in other if you can gift
44:45
yourself anything, stop the comparison game. Stop it. Everybody's journeys individual.
44:51
You don't know what other people have been through. You have no idea.
44:54
You're only hurting yourself. Like you know, it's really hard. We do
44:59
that, like said, we're harder on ourselves than anybody else ever is on
45:05
us. But you mentioned something about NLP, and I know what it is,
45:08
but a lot of people might not know. So just tell us briefly
45:12
what NLP. What NLP is that you do. Absolutely, NLP is normal
45:17
linguistic programming, and it's really how your thoughts like your thoughts, your emotions
45:22
to creeing the world around you. And when I was introduced to in twenty
45:28
twenty, and during that time, I just felt like there was a part
45:31
of me that hadn't really healed. I had pushed through to survive, but
45:36
I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really you know, process and
45:39
heal. And so I had always perceived NLP had failed to be completely honest.
45:45
That's how my perception that it was, and that was not it at
45:49
all. And as I went through the process myself, it was like,
45:52
oh, there are so many trapped emotions that I was holding onto that were
45:58
interfering with my everyday life. And so I really dove in to learning more
46:02
and more about it. And I think one of the big things is when
46:06
you really start to understand your conscious mind is responsible for like five percent of
46:10
your thoughts, your beliefs, your your actions, everything that you're doing,
46:15
it's only five percent. Your subconscious mind, which is like literally running twenty
46:20
four seven, is responsible for ninety five percent. Most of that is formed
46:23
before the age is seven or eight years old. So a lot of us
46:27
are living on a program loops that we're just repeating over and over until we
46:32
interrupt that loop. And a lot of that is because of trapped emotions,
46:37
trapped experiences, and so a lot of these tools have helped me to heal
46:42
and really be in a space of having a lot more confidence and certainty in
46:46
using my voice and sharing my message and helping others through that process. So
46:52
it's a beautiful like you can use it as a coaching certification, you can
46:54
use it as tools for yourself. But those limiting beliefs that we hold onto,
47:00
those stories, it's these are tools that help you to actually like break
47:05
free from them and completely rewrite them. And I laughed because when I look
47:09
back back in twenty fifteen, I mean Tony Robbins is one of my people
47:14
that I watched on YouTube and love or hate him. For me, he
47:16
was a game changer because I really started to understand that all I told myself
47:22
was that I was stuck every day, and so how did I feel?
47:24
I feel stuck? I felt trapped, and so I started to get to
47:28
a space of like, this isn't working, Like you've got to change your
47:32
language. So I was I was adopting pieces of MLP like five six years
47:37
before I ever started it, and when it so does NLP help you?
47:42
Does it help you discover those subconscious beliefs? Because like we all have them,
47:46
right, and so many of so many of us have the I'm not
47:50
good enough or I'm not worthy, right, so many of us, I
47:52
would probably say yes, and the high nineties, like almost nine I have
47:58
that I have had it somewhere at some point in their life. Right.
48:00
So yeah, so how do we discover How does that help us discover what's
48:06
running the undercurrent? You know? Well, there's a whole tool box of
48:10
tools that you can use with MLP, but one I'll give for an example,
48:15
Like a lot of people refer to hypnosis, right, Hypnosis is a
48:17
way of speaking to your subconscious mind too with the world that you're creating.
48:22
But one of the other things, like there's EFC tapping, there is time
48:27
techniques, and time techniques comes so out there, but it is so powerful
48:31
because our subconscious line holds onto every single thing, It remembers everything. We
48:37
just filter it because if not, our mind mosis float. And so when
48:40
you really are in a space of working with a subconscious mind, you can
48:45
actually use time techniques and we hold onto emotions in the order of anger,
48:51
sadness, fear, shame, hurt, and guilt. And we hold on
48:57
to our emotions in that order. And so what can happen? And if
49:00
when you can do something like a time technique, you can go back to
49:04
a time where you consciously don't remember it, but you subconsciously do, and
49:10
they can be a trigger point for that anger, and then all of a
49:14
sudden you can start to remove that anger. You can start to pull different
49:16
lessons from that anger, and then it's sadness and you start to change that.
49:20
You're actually changing the root trigger because a lot of times you mentioned it
49:24
earlier, we have these triggers online give triggers that happen. We think the
49:29
trigger is the problem. The trigger is not the problem. The trigger is
49:31
representing something that we have held on too for a very long time, that
49:36
we probably subconsciously don't even realize. And so when you can change the root
49:40
of the emotion and of the trigger and of the limiting belief, you can
49:45
learn how to let that go and rewrite it, and all of a sudden,
49:50
the triggers that have been exhausting you for most of your life, you're
49:53
like, oh, they don't have the same charge. It's like they don't
49:55
have the same charge anymore because you can pull the lessons and extract them,
50:00
and now you can see, like I can look at I'm not I wouldn't
50:05
be the person I am today without walking through those challenging Were they difficult,
50:08
of course, but it's who I am today and I'm proud of that,
50:13
and I think it really starts to change and allow us to actually heal.
50:17
M So do you work one on one with clients, because I know one
50:22
of the questions, which I love that you had was what some of your
50:27
favorite client wins when it comes to sharing your stories? So can you share
50:31
a little bit about that? Yeah, yes, I yeah, I definitely
50:36
worked when I'm on from clients, and I've helped authors to write their stories.
50:40
I always say one of my favorite stories and she's not a client,
50:45
but I have helped her to write her story. Not a current client.
50:50
She is from Africa. Her name is Sembecca and she actually connected with me
50:54
from my podcast back in twenty nineteen. And when I knew we were going
50:58
to publish a collaborative called Owning Your Choices in twenty twenty, I reached out
51:02
to her her and I would connect all the time. She was very clear
51:07
to tell me she was a survivor of human trafficking. She was not a
51:10
victim, and I knew she spoke my language, and I just connected and
51:15
we actually were able to get her chapter funded. We were able to help
51:20
her write her whole chapter. She shared her story, we shift boxes to
51:23
Africa. She has been speaking, starting a foundation, doing these pieces of
51:30
like sharing a story as a survivor of human trafficking. She said, you
51:34
know, we have people at the UN speaking all about trafficking, but none
51:37
of them have ever walked it, none of them have ever experienced it.
51:40
We need speakers who've actually lived through an experience like this. So she's still
51:46
one of my too my day, one of my favorite stories, and we
51:51
still stay connected on social media. So yeah, I definitely worked with clients,
51:54
and sometimes it's like navigating some of these emotions and these stories all the
52:00
way up to please help me write my book and how do I put these
52:05
big emotions in these big stories together. So that's the work that I get
52:08
to do. And I mean it's not for everybody I know, because people
52:13
sometimes left and my world is thinking like that is heavy stuff and it just
52:17
pakes me up. I love I love this kind of work. Yeah,
52:22
because really what the part of it that's lighting you up is the healing part
52:24
of it. It's the healing tonic. Yes, that you're adding to the
52:29
to to what happened. That's what the part that's lighting you up. But
52:31
yeah, it is heavy stuff. Now, if people are listening you,
52:35
do you have something on your website like that we can like look like a
52:37
little quiz or something that we can take if we want to to see if
52:42
we have our own story block, you know, blocks in our own story
52:46
which I want to take your quiz. It's a free quiz. Yeah,
52:52
quiz, Yeah, the free quiz. And it's really powerful because as you
52:57
go through it, you answer the questions. We all have one dominant you
53:00
probably have key involved them. Right, there's the blocks to owning your story.
53:04
So fighter, perfectionist, hider, victim or people pleaser go through and
53:10
you get your results. It will also give you an EFT tapping to support
53:15
you with that block, so that you get a ten minute tappening. You
53:21
could do multiple times and I would encourage you. I've had people do it
53:24
and then I'm like just stay consistent, do it consistently hurries in the next
53:28
two weeks, and tell me how you feel. And they're like, I
53:30
cannot believe how different I feel because you're literally changing the charge and the trigger
53:35
inside the body and it's a big step to healing. So yes, that
53:38
is on my website, that is in my links. It's very powerful.
53:43
It is. I'm gonna do it too, because I'm sure there's still blocks.
53:46
I know very well about EFT and I've had people on my show before
53:50
who talk and what I've talked about what e FT is for people who you
53:53
know, who listen to my show, so I know I've used EFT and
53:58
it is. It's it's I can't explain it. You can just google it.
54:01
Just google e f T if you're listening. It's like, right,
54:07
hard to explain. But yeah, full body acupuncture at once. You're really
54:10
affecting the body through the meridians and it really is powerful. It really really
54:15
is. Marsha, we only have like a couple of minutes. Is there
54:19
anything that you want to share with us that you feels really important? You
54:22
know? Before we wrap up, I think I want to say that,
54:28
like, no story is too small, everybody has a story. Yours is
54:31
as valuable as anyone else. It doesn't have to be majorly traumatic for it
54:36
to be a story that can make an impact. You all have something,
54:39
everybody has something to contribute. And when we can do this, we can
54:44
start to create a culture that we're not so divided, we are not alone,
54:47
and that we can all be a source of support for each other.
54:51
So I believe we all have that within us and we are all capable of
54:54
doing it. And even if it's a small stage that you might be listening
54:59
and going through, No way I'm going to do what she's doing today.
55:01
You don't have to, but I can tell you this. If your story
55:05
is if you're holding onto your stories, your identity, it is blocking you
55:07
from living the life that you're meant to live. It really is that simple.
55:10
It is blocking you, and that is you deserve more months. Mm
55:16
And so tell everybody your website again so we can find find out more about
55:21
you. Yep, my website is Marsha vanw dot com. I made it
55:25
super easy because I'm a very long lest thing and so everything on social media
55:30
is Marsha Vanw. Yeah, I know, I do, I know,
55:32
but it's Marsha vanw and right, and you're able to connect through there and
55:38
be able to do that. The quiz is right on the homepage. Love
55:43
it. Thank you so much, Marsha, it's such a delight talking to
55:45
you, and guys check out my workshop Manifesting through Gratitude, a visual journey
55:51
starting July twentieth, find uniquelyu dot com. Thank you guys for listening to
55:55
Postcards to the Universe with Melissa creating the life you crave and I'm wishing everyone
56:00
a wonderful week filled with joy, abundance and love. Peace,