Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / You Believe in God… But Do You Trust Him? | The Hidden Impact of Attachment Wounds

Transcript

You Believe in God… But Do You Trust Him? | The Hidden Impact of Attachment Wounds · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

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  Some people don't struggle with believing in God.
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  They struggle with trusting Him. They pray, they worship, they
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  show up, they even serve. But underneath all of that,
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  they're anxious. They're waiting for the other
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  shoe to drop. They're bracing for
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  disappointment, performing for approval, even negotiating for
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  blessings. And and what they don't realize
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  is this they are relating to God through the lens of their
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  attachment wounds. Welcome to Rise and Thrive by
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  Doctor J Nicole and I am Doctor J Nicole, therapist, educator,
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  and someone deeply committed to helping you understand how your
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  psychology and your faith intersect.
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  And today we're talking about secure attachment with God and
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  specifically how father wounds and early attachment experiences
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  shape the way that we experience faith.
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  This is not a surface conversation.
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  This is about how you relate to authority, how you process
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  silence, how you interpret delay, how you experience
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  discipline, and how you experience love.
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  Some people don't experience God is safe.
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  They experience him as distant, unpredictable, hard to please,
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  even emotionally unavailable. And for some, He's only
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  responsive when they perform well.
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  So let's talk about it. Attachment theory tells us that
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  our earliest relationships shape how we bond.
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  So if your caregivers were consistent, emotionally
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  responsive, protective, and predictable, then you would
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  develop a more secure attachment.
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  But if caregivers are inconsistent, emotionally
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  unavailable, critical, absent, unpredictable, then you would
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  develop an anxious or avoiding attachment pattern.
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  And sometimes they disorganize attachments, which is a which is
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  a mix of anxious and avoiding, which is a mix of anxious and
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  avoiding attachment styles. Now here's the key.
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  Your brain does not compartmentalize attachment, it
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  generates it, and it's something that happens before you have
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  language for the template you learn for safety.
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  This becomes the template that you apply to your daily life and
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  authority. And so for many believers, God
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  is framed as Father. And if your father was present
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  and predictable, you may experience God is safe.
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  But if your father was absent, harsh, emotionally distant,
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  unpredictable, or even conditional in his love, you may
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  struggle to experience God as secure and you might not be
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  consciously aware of it, but your nervous system knows.
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  So let's get a little bit more into anxious attachment.
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  Anxious attachment in relationships looks like fear of
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  abandonment, overthinking, seeking reassurance, hyper focus
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  on connection, and anxious attachment.
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  And faith can look like over praying from fear, constantly
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  asking God for signs, interpreting silence as
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  rejection, feeling spiritually insecure or disconnected,
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  performing to earn favor. And we know that's not possible
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  because there's nothing that we can do that would pay back what
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  God has done for us. And so you might even think, did
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  I do something wrong? Is God mad at me?
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  Why hasn't he answered? Maybe I'm not faithful enough.
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  And then you live in a state of spiritual hyper vigilance.
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  You might try to be perfect, you try to avoid making mistakes.
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  But underneath it, it's really fear.
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  It's not love and fear based faith.
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  It's exhausting. And is it really faith at all?
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  And God can become someone that you manage instead of someone
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  you resting. All right, beautiful people.
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  If this episode has already blessed you in any sort of way,
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  we ask that you like subscribe, follow, share, and leave
• 4:14
  comments. Feedback helps this message
• 4:17
  reach the people who need it most.
• 4:19
  And if you're listening and thinking I'm ready to go deeper
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  in my healing journey, we invite you to join our school community
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  where we continue these conversations between episodes.
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  And it's an opportunity to connect with like minded
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  individuals committed to growth, healing and purpose.
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  Also, do not forget you can shop the merch and also explore all
• 4:41
  things evolve at Evolve with Doctor Jane nicole.com.
• 4:46
  If you love today's look and you're wondering about this
• 4:49
  here, you can use my promo code with the link in the description
• 4:54
  to get 15% off with uni's hair. That's UNICE.
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  Thank you for rising with us. Now back to your regularly
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  scheduled programming. And now let's talk avoiding
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  avoidant attachment. Avoiding attachment in
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  relationships. This looks like emotional
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  distance, self-reliance. So that's the hyper
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  independence, discomfort with vulnerability, minimizing your
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  needs, and avoiding attachment in faith.
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  It looks like believing in God, but not emotionally connecting.
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  You're avoiding praying during the hard times.
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  Are you trying to figure it out on your own?
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  It's feeling uncomfortable with surrender.
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  Again, trying to do it all on your own.
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  And so you might be keeping God at arm's length.
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  I'll handle it myself. I can do it.
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  I hear that all the time with people.
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  I can do it. It's not about what you can do,
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  but you might say that you trust God, but when things get
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  difficult, you isolate. You don't bring your tears to
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  Him, You don't bring your fears to Him.
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  You don't bring your needs to Him.
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  And that's because in your lived experience, dependency has not
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  felt safe. And if we're being clear, a
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  healthy amount of dependency is a core of secure attachment.
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  A person has to be dependable and trustworthy.
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  Now let's really get into it. Father wounds do not only affect
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  romantic relationships. We hear this a lot and talk
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  about relationships. Oh, they got daddy wounds right.
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  But this also shaped, this shapes your theology.
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  If your father was absent, you may struggle with God's divine
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  presence. If your father was critical, you
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  may expect to be disappointed by God.
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  If your father was inconsistent, you might struggle with trusting
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  God's timing, that divine timing.
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  And if your father was emotionally unavailable, well,
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  you may struggle with believing that God is tender, that he
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  hears you. And sometimes people don't
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  struggle with Scripture. They actually struggle with
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  projection. They project their early
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  experiences onto God and have a difficult time separating their
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  earthly experiences with the Father, with their spiritual
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  experience with God the Father. And they might wonder why faith
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  feels complicated. Well, that's why because there
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  are some unpacking that needs to happen in the physical.
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  You might know versus you can quote scripture.
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  You might even serve in ministry, but if your nervous
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  system associates Father with unpredictability, your body
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  might brace even when your mouth says I trust you.
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  There is not a that is not spiritual failure.
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  This is attachment wiring and your wiring can be healed.
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  So secure attachment with God. This looks like stressing His
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  presence even in silence. Bringing your full emotional
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  self to Him, not performing for approval.
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  It's OK with receiving correction without feeling like
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  you're worthless. It looks like experiencing
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  discipline without being shamed or feeling ashamed or
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  embarrassed. It's resting instead of striving
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  and trying to earn. And with secure attachment, this
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  is secure attachment says, even when I don't understand, I'm not
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  abandoned, even when I fail, I'm not rejected.
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  Even when I wait, I am not forgotten.
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  So it means God is present, you're accepted and you are
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  cared for. Now, secure attachment does not
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  eliminate some of these questions, but it can give your
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  nervous system a break and it alleviates some of that fear of
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  disconnection or abandonment. And that is powerful.
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  And the way that that can show up in your body in such a
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  healthy way and even just change the way that you walk through
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  life and it will undoubtedly shrinkle over to the rest of
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  your relationships. Now that we've talked about it,
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  let's get practical. Before we continue today's
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  conversation, I want to share something that has become part
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  Now let's get back to you. Today's episode because I don't
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  want this to be abstract for anyone, and I want you to leave
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  with some tangible things. OK, so first, I want you to
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  notice your internal narrative about God when something goes
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  wrong. What is your first thought?
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  Is it God is punishing me or God is present with me?
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  That thought will reveal your current attachment style. 2 I
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  want you to really be intentional about separating
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  earthly fathers from your Heavenly Father.
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  And this takes a lot of intentional reflection and I've
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  worked with many clients on it. And it is possible you may need
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  to grieve what you did not receive from your earthly father
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  as a starting point. If you don't know where to
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  start, you have to be willing to acknowledge hurt.
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  Some of us may even need therapy to process this, to heal and to
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  be able to work through it and be supported and do it in a safe
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  environment. Prayer is also going to be
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  essential during this time. So it's unlearning to relearn.
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  You're disconnecting from that hurt with your earthly father
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  and connecting to safety with the Heavenly Father.
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  You may also need some honest conversations.
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  If you have access to your Heavenly Father, this might be a
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  time to have that conversation with him as the things you need
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  to ask or express what you need to express.
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  Now, I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, but this is
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  also where prayer and therapy really come in and you can have
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  support and preparing for that. I know I spend time with clients
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  where we can role play from the parent and you're you right?
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  What do you need to say? Or even helping them package up
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  what they need to say in a way that's concise, that honors
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  their emotion and awful also brings logic into the
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  conversation so that it's not just an attack on the person to
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  say, well, you weren't there for me, You didn't do this and all
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  the things that they did wrong. And when really that's a dump.
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  It's nothing wrong with it, but you're still not going to get
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  what you want just from the dump.
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  Healing requires truth, so this could mean having those
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  difficult conversations and sometimes you might surprise
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  you. What you learn or uncover and be
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  willing to listen without judgement and approach it with
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  curiosity. Ask your questions now #3
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  practice vulnerability and prayer, not performance, not
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  putting forth your best polished words.
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  It's not rehearsed spirituality. It's authenticity, the best
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  relationship that you can have with God.
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  It starts with real emotion, your real feelings.
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  If you're angry, be angry. Tell God I'm angry and talk to
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  Him about why. If you're confused, work through
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  that. Label it.
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  If you're disappointed, if you feel hopeful, talk about that.
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  So secure attachment grows through emotional honesty, and
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  practicing this honesty with God makes it easier for you to have
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  difficult conversations with people in your life that you
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  already love. A space where it's safe.
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  A space where you're going to be heard for sometimes just sitting
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  in silence without interpreting things and definitely not
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  interpreting them as rejection. Silence is not absence.
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  It's not punishment. Silence can actually be grow.
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  You heard me correctly. If you can sit in the stillness
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  without spiraling, your nervous system begins to trust the
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  stability. Silence is a break from chaos.
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  Silence really and truly is healing #5 anchor yourself and
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  consistent truth, not your fluctuating emotions because
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  feelings fade and they fluctuate, but truth is an
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  anchor and secure attachment strengthens when you repeatedly
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  remind yourself of who God is and not who your past taught
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  you. Fathers are OK, but some of you
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  love God deeply, but you're still afraid of him leaving.
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  And that fear is not about God, it's about attachment.
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  And you're not weak for needing reassurance, you're not
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  faithless for feeling anxious, and you are not broken for
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  struggling with trust. This is a result of your lived
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  experiences, and you are healing and secure.
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  Attachment with God will transform not only your faith,
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  but your friendships and your romantic relationships.
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  It'll transform your leadership. And it's absolutely going to
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  help transform yourself worth. Because when you're securely
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  attached spiritually, you stop chasing love horizontally out
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  here in the world, and you stop begging for validation.
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  You stop tolerating emotional scraps.
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  You stop performing for approval, you can rest.
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  And as we move towards the one year anniversary of Rise and
• 15:28
  Thrive, this is the kind of growth that we're stepping into.
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  Not surface spirituality or psychological jargon, but
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  integration. So here's your reflection.
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  Do you experience God is safe or do you experience him as
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  unpredictable? And I want you to sit with that.
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  OK, then leave a comment down below.
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  I want you to sit with that. And once you've sat with that
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  and you've been able to give voice to it, let me know in the
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  comments. And before we go, if today's
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  conversation resonated with you, I want to invite you to stay
• 16:04
  connected with the Rise and Thrive community.
• 16:07
  Make sure you like subscribe, you follow, leave us some
• 16:12
  comments and turn on your notifications so you never miss
• 16:15
  a conversation like this where we explore faith, identity,
• 16:19
  healing, and personal transformation.
• 16:21
  I want you to share your thoughts in the comments because
• 16:23
  your voice helps to build the community around these
• 16:27
  conversations. And if you'd like to carry the
• 16:29
  message of Ryzen 5 with you throughout your day, you can
• 16:33
  explore the Rise and Thrive collection designed to remind
• 16:36
  you to walk boldly in your purpose.
• 16:38
  And you can find everything on Evolve with Doctor J nicole.com.
• 16:42
  And finally, if this episode encouraged you, I want you to
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  share with someone who might need to hear it today because
• 16:49
  sometimes the right conversation at the right moment can't remind
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  someone that their story isn't over, that it is instead
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  evolving. And I want to thank you for
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  being part of the Rise and Thrive community.
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  And until next time, keep rising in faith and thriving in
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  purpose. I'm Doctor Dre Nicole, and I'll
• 17:09
  see you in the next episode.