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Transcript

The Divorce Decision: Four Questions Every Loyalist Must Answer · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You're listening to Start your Comeback and this is episode 94.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: And this is episode 94.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Today we're heading into the deep end.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: If you caught last week's episode, you know we talked about loyalty and how that good, god-given quality can take a dark turn into codependence.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Let's be clear Loyalty is noble, it's beautiful, it's necessary in any relationship worth fighting for.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: But when loyalty becomes a leash, when it binds you to someone who has no interest in healing, growth or mutual effort, there's no longer loyalty, it's codependence, and that's a slow death by emotional entanglement.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk about something that many of us loyalists never imagined ourselves facing, that's divorce.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: But let me say this first, loud and clear, before we move on I am not a therapist, I'm a coach.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: I'm a woman who's lived this story and someone who's done the hard work with a therapist.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I'm a coach.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: I'm a woman who's lived this story and someone who's done the hard work with a therapist.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: So what I'm sharing today comes from real experience, not just a theory.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: But let's start here first.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Have you ever wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves?
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Wanted more for someone than they wanted for themselves?
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: If that hit you in the gut, then just keep listening.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Before we get into a bunch of questions you need to ask yourself before filing or leaving, let's address some brutal emotions that come with being a loyalist who's living in that dark side of codependency.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: So if you're a loyalist, you know what I'm talking about.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: The guilt of even thinking about leaving can eat you alive.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: The shame of breaking a vow you made 25 years ago, or maybe it was five or 15.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: It sits on your chest like a weight you can't lift, the anxiety of knowing that this decision could blow up your whole family.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: It's paralyzing.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: And man.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Then the anger.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: You see it's real, because you've tried everything.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: You're exhausted.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: You've been fighting for a two-person team while the other person's sitting on the bench.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you, I hate losing, but in this battle I lost, and so did my family.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: So how do you know it's time to go.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Let's just slow down a minute and walk through a few questions together.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: These are the questions I had to ask myself when I was staring down the end of my marriage.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: This is the hard pregame film session before a decision is made.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: All right, here we go.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Number one have you done everything you can to save your marriage?
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: And I don't mean like you've read a book or you've been venting to your best friend, I mean the hard work.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Have you gone to marriage counseling?
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Have you gone to individual therapy to work on your stuff?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Are you showing up with the willingness to do your part, regardless of whether your spouse is doing theirs?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Do the work for you.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And yes, even if they won't, why?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Because your kids are watching.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Show them what fighting for something really looks like.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Number two have you had honest, specific and ongoing conversations with your spouse about your unhappiness?
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Not just I'm not happy, but here's where I'm struggling in this marriage.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Be willing to sit in uncomfortable conversations.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: This isn't a one and done talk.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: These are open, raw, repeated conversations that peel back all the layers.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: Number three have you thought about what life will look like on your own?
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Because, let me tell you, when I walked away.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I didn't just lose a marriage, I became an empty nester and divorced all at the same time.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I had to figure out where I was going to live, how to handle finances and how to build a brand new life on my own.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: You need to start imagining the practical reality, not just the fantasy of relief.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Number four how will this affect your kids?
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: And, honestly, this should be question number one, or it could be question number one, but the truth is your kids already know.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: They see the tension, they feel the silence.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: They may not know the details, but they sense the dysfunction.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I have a two-year-old grandson and his parents are in the process of moving.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: He doesn't understand and he's he's unsure, he's a little bit whiny and he wants to be held, to feel safe.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: And that's how we know that they sense and know these things even at an early age.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: And while you should absolutely protect them from adult problems, you owe them the honesty, without being graphic.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: They don't need to know the details, they don't need the courtroom transcript, they just need to feel safety, stability and the truth wrapped in love.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: There are dozens of questions you could ask, but these four are foundational and here's the last bit of hard truth.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Whichever road you choose staying or leaving it's going to be painful.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: There's no path out of this without hurt.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: If you stay, it's brutal work.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: If you leave, it's brutal grief.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Either way it's work and either way it's hard.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: But here's what I know you can do these hard things.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: You can walk through the grief, the fear and the uncertainty and come out stronger.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I did, and I've coached other women who have.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: You're not crazy.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: You're certainly not weak.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You're just someone trying to find solid ground again.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: So if you're in that place, your heart's racing, your brain's spinning and you're wondering what your next move is.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Don't do it alone.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: If today's episode struck a chord, I want to invite you to schedule a free 20 minute clarity call with me.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: No pressure, no judgment, just a safe space to process where you are and what you're feeling.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: There's a link in the show notes with my calendar.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Just click on it and it'll give you the times and that I'm available to talk.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: And if you haven't already, go back and listen to last week's episode on loyalty and codependence.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: It's a powerful setup for this conversation.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Remember, loyalty is a gift, but your comeback, that's your responsibility.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I'm here cheering you on.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Thank you.