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what if it DOES get better? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

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  What if it does get better? What if in six months, a year, 2
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  years, five years, you look back and you think, thank God that I
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  kept going. I am so happy that I kept
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  pushing through. No matter how hard it got, no
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  matter how hopeless I felt. I'm so glad that I kept going.
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  And I don't mean this in some fake positivity kind of way, but
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  really, what if one day you look back and everything is different
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  and the weight and the pain and the trauma that you carry is
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  bearable? What if it isn't as heavy
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  anymore? Does that thought kind of scare
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  you? Because if so, you're not alone.
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  I'm a little bit scared of getting better because frankly,
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  this pain is all that I've known for so many years that it is
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  deeply a part of me. My name is Ethan Jewell and
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  welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
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  Today we're talking about hope. And not the quotable Instagram
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  kind of hope. I'm talking about the messy,
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  terrifying, vulnerable hope. The kind that asks you to
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  believe in something that you can't even imagine yet.
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  Something that is so far beyond where you are right now that it
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  doesn't even seem possible. And that is the kind of hope
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  that you have to hold onto when you're trying to heal your
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  mental health. I need you to be honest with me
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  for a second. When was the last time that you
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  let yourself imagine a future where you were actually OK, not
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  surviving, not just getting through the day, but but
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  genuinely, you were OK, maybe even happy.
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  And when you did imagine it, did a voice in your head immediately
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  shut it down. You know, don't get your hopes
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  up. It's not going to last.
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  You'll just be disappointed again.
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  You don't deserve that happiness.
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  You're going to fall back like you always do.
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  That voice. But here's what I've realized.
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  Sometimes the scariest thought isn't that you won't get better.
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  It's that you might. Because if you let yourself
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  hope, if you let yourself believe that things could
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  actually improve, you're also opening yourself up to the
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  possibility of being wrong, of being hurt, of feeling like a
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  fool for believing in the 1st place.
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  So instead, you stay in the darkness.
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  Because at least the darkness is familiar, it's predictable, the
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  hurt is predictable. You know where you're going to
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  end up. You know how you're going to
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  feel tomorrow. But what if you're wrong?
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  What if it does get better? And what if you missed that
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  because you're so scared of letting go of this hurt version
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  of yourself? So let's talk about this, and I
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  want to start by talking about why hope feels dangerous when
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  you're struggling with your mental health.
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  For a lot of us, it's kind of been weaponized.
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  You know, if you've been told by people to just think positively,
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  just look on the bright side. And often that's said by people
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  who have no idea what we're going through.
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  They have no idea the pain that is caused by mental illness and
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  by mental health issues. We've been sold this idea from
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  other people that if we just believe hard enough, if we just
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  believe in ourselves, if we just hold on to hope, if we just stay
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  positive, then we will heal. But as I'm sure you know, if you
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  struggle with depression, if you struggle with anxiety, hearing
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  somebody tell you just be positive, just hold on to hope
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  is one of the worst feelings ever.
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  Because at first, you do hold on to that hope and you do believe
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  that, hey, if I just simply believe in myself, I'm going to
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  get better. And then the reality of mental
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  illness hits. And it's not that simple.
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  And you don't immediately get better.
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  And then you begin to believe that something is wrong with
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  you, that you're a failure, like you're not trying hard enough.
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  Maybe all of that pain is your fault.
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  So then we stop hoping. Also, maybe you've been let down
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  before. You know, you got your hopes up
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  about a new job or relationship, a treatment, something that was
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  supposed to help, something that you thought was going to be a
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  fresh start, that was going to help your mental health.
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  And it didn't work out. And the disappointment was so
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  crushing that you promised yourself you'd never let that
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  happen again. So now hope feels like you're
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  setting yourself up. It feels naive.
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  It feels like you're ignoring reality.
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  But here's the thing. Protecting yourself from
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  disappointment by refusing to hope, it isn't actually
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  protection. It's a different kind of
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  suffering. It's choosing pain and emptiness
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  over healing. Sometimes there's comfort in
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  knowing that you're going to hurt instead of trying to heal.
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  And I get it, I really do. When you've been in the dark for
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  so long, the idea of light almost feels cruel.
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  Because what if you reach it and it disappears?
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  What if you let yourself believe and you're wrong?
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  But what if you're right? I want you to think about
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  something for a second. Think about a time in your past
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  when you were struggling. Maybe it was a year ago, maybe
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  it was five years ago, maybe it was last month.
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  And in that moment you couldn't see a way out.
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  You couldn't imagine things being different.
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  You thought, this is it, this is how it's always going to be.
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  But you're here now. You're listening to this, which
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  means something has changed. You just noticed that feeling,
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  that hurt, that situation you were dealing with and how there
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  is a change now. Maybe the whole situation hasn't
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  changed, maybe it hasn't been resolved.
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  Maybe the hurt is almost exactly the same, but something has
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  changed. Not perfectly, but it shifted
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  enough to where you are here today.
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  You are proof that you are capable of continuing, that you
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  are capable of hope. You have proven to yourself that
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  things can get better. You have already survived
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  something, a situation, a rock bottom, where you thought to
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  yourself there is no way out. I'm sure you have one of those
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  moments and you've survived it. Isn't that something?
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  Why don't we give ourselves a little bit more credit for that?
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  I can think of many times over the past six years where I
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  thought, this is it. This is rock bottom.
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  I am not going to make my way out of this.
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  And here I am six years later and that is proof.
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  And I, I think back to that every single time that it starts
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  getting worse, every single time that I start to struggle again,
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  every single time the depression comes back stronger than ever
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  and I start to feel hopeless. I think back on those days and I
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  see it as proof. I see it as proof that I'm
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  strong enough to keep going, that I'm strong enough to hold
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  on, to hope, that I am not a disappointment.
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  I am not a failure. Having setbacks in your mental
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  health journey are not only normal, they are necessary.
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  They're a necessary part of the healing experience.
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  And that sucks and it's cruel, but it's true.
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  You have the proof right in front of you.
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  You have proven to yourself that you are capable.
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  You have proven to yourself that you can survive the hardest
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  days. So why is it so hard to believe
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  that you can do it again? You can do it over and over
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  again. And each time you get a little
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  bit better, you get a little bit stronger.
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  You learn a little bit more about yourself.
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  You learn what helps you. You learn how to cope.
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  And slowly, over years and years of trying again and again, you
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  establish something meaningful. You establish truly meaningful
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  healing. And it doesn't matter if you
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  slip back again because you know that you are capable.
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  And all of that starts with a little bit of hope.
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  If we don't let ourselves hope, we stop trying.
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  You know, if you let yourself genuinely believe that it won't
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  get better. Why would you put in the effort?
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  Why would you go to therapy, take your medication, reach out
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  to friends, try new things? You won't because what's the
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  point? And that becomes a self
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  fulfilling prophecy. Things don't get better because
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  you've stopped doing the things that could help you get better.
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  And then second, if we don't hold on to hope, we miss the
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  small improvements because we're so focused on the big picture
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  staying the same. We don't notice little things
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  shift. We don't notice that we're
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  sleeping maybe just a little bit better, that we laughed at
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  something yesterday or that a conversation felt a little bit
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  easier than it used to. We don't notice these things
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  because we're so wrapped up in hopelessness, not letting
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  ourselves hold on to hope, not letting ourselves see the
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  day-to-day see how well we're doing.
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  We're so committed to the false narrative that nothing changes
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  that we ignore the evidence that it is.
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  And finally, when we don't hold on to hope, we we isolate
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  ourselves from joy. We don't let ourselves get
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  excited about things. We don't plan for the future.
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  We don't celebrate wins because if we do, we're afraid we'll
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  jinx it. We're afraid we'll look stupid
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  if we end up at the same place that we often do.
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  So we stay in this emotional holding pattern, waiting for
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  permission to feel good, waiting for proof that it's safe to
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  hope. But hope doesn't work that way.
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  Hope isn't something you earn after getting better.
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  Hope is the thing that helps you get there and you have the
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  proof. Proof is right in front of you
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  right now. The fact that you're here,
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  listening to this, that you have survived, means you will
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  continue to survive. You are allowed to keep hoping
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  that you will heal, even if you have setbacks, even if you feel
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  like you're back at square 1. You are allowed to believe that
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  things can get better, even if they haven't yet.
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  You are allowed to want more for yourself, even if you don't know
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  how to get there. Your past pain doesn't
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  disqualify you from a better future.
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  It doesn't mean you've used up your chances, doesn't mean you
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  don't deserve good things. It just means you've been
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  through hard things and you're still here.
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  There's no weakness in that. That is pure strength.
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  That is something worth holding onto.
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  That alone should give you hope that maybe, just maybe, that
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  strength to keep going is what's going to carry you through the
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  darkest days of your life. It is what it's going to carry
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  you to the other side, to the to the hope and the healing that
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  you can't even imagine right now because you are capable.
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  So what happens if we start letting ourselves hope again?
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  Step one, we should start with what if instead of It won't.
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  You don't even have to believe that things will get better, you
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  just have to be willing to consider the possibility that
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  they might Instead of This will never work.
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  You can say what if this does work?
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  Instead of saying I'll always feel this way, you can instead
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  say, but what if I don't? You're not committing to
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  anything, you're just cracking the door to hope.
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  You're cracking the door to allow yourself that maybe one
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  day you will get better. And if every single day you can
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  hold on to that, you will prove to yourself over and over that
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  you are worth fighting for. It will give you a power unlike
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  anything that you imagined it. It will make you advocate for
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  yourself. And that is a beautiful thing.
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  Because you deserve hope, and you deserve to heal.
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  Next, hope in increments. You don't have to hope to have
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  your whole life turned around. You don't have to believe that
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  everything will be perfect. Just give yourself enough hope
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  to get through tomorrow. You know enough for next week.
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  Hope that one small thing might help even a little bit.
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  Big hope is overwhelming. Small hope is manageable.
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  And finally, separate hope from expectation.
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  It isn't a guarantee. It isn't a contract.
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  You can hope for something and if it doesn't happen, it's OK.
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  You are allowed to want good things without demanding them.
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  You're allowed to be disappointed without feeling
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  like that hope betrayed you, without thinking that it's a bad
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  thing. And finally, notice the evidence
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  like that exercise that we we talked about earlier.
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  Look back. Look back on a moment that you
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  thought was absolute rock bottom and, and look at you now.
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  You're still going. That is evidence.
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  Let other people hope for you too.
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  Let your family hope for you. Let your friends believe in you.
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  Let me hope for you. You don't have to carry this
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  alone. You are not alone.
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  There is always help out there. I want to remind you, I'm not a
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  professional, I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy who has been
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  through these things and I know what the power of hope can do
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  against mental illness. Sometimes negativity can feel
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  like wisdom, but it's not. It's just pain pretending to be
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  logic, refusing to hope. It doesn't protect you, it keeps
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  you stuck. Don't let the fear of
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  disappointment steal your future.
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  Because what if it does get better?
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  What if you let yourself believe that you don't have to have all
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  the answers right now? You don't have to believe that
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  everything's going to be perfect.
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  You don't even have to feel hopeful all the time.
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  You just have to leave the door open just to crack.
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  Just enough to let the possibility of getting better
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  in. Because I've been where you are.
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  I've felt the weight of thinking things will never change.
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  And now that I'm on the other side, now that things have
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  changed, now that I am more well equipped to deal with the mental
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  illness when it does get a lot worse, I can tell you, I'm so
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  glad that I kept going. I'm so glad that I kept healing.
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  And you will be too. And you deserve that.
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  Because what if it does get better?
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  That's gonna wrap it up for today's episode.
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  Thank you so much for being here.
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  If you like this podcast, one of the best ways you can support me
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  is by getting merch. I'll link it in the description
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  below. Also, if you need help feeling
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  your feelings, you should check out my music on all platforms
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  under the name of Ethan Jewell. I almost guarantee it'll make
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  you cry. Also, please drop me a comment
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  and let me know what you thought about today's episode.
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  Tell me what you're feeling hopeful about or just how you're
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  doing. So thank you so much for being
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  here. Thank you for understanding that
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  it might just get better. And as always, thank you for
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  feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.