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308. Is It Healthy To Have Disagreements In Your Marriage? What The Experts Say · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Why it is healthy to have disagreements in your marriage.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: With the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick, and I've got a really special guest today.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Amy, the owner of the Ultimate Intimacy app, is here to join me.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Thanks, Nick.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Excited to have you so excited to be here.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: It's been a while.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: It's been like a whole three days.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: So you got to get in.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You got to jump in as to why we're doing the podcast on this subject, so I actually got a message that said that we have been fighting a lot lately on our podcast and we don't fight at all.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about?
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: they wondered if we were okay, which is really sweet, but at the same time I was like what?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I guess they don't know what's sassy.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Maybe I was being sassy on the last one, or questioning you, or something so our last, one of our last, did, I do that a couple ago or whenever we um, we kind of did the podcast to where I'm like, all right, I'm gonna see what amy thinks and you disagree it was the last.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you disagreed with a lot of the things.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Does that mean that we were fighting?
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I didn't think so.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I didn't think we were fighting.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I don't think we ever fight really in our marriage, but OK.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: So I guess this is where fighting looks different to everyone.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So maybe some couples think disagreeing with each other is fighting and some couples think disagreeing with each other is fighting, and some couples might think that, like, fighting is like yelling at each other.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I don't know, we definitely don't yell so, but maybe I'm sorry if I guess I'll apologize if you thought that we were fighting in the last episode, Because we kind of just like roll our eyes and smile at each other and then give a little sass sometimes.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: Um, we have a healthy relationship so I guess we just feel like we can do that.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: I did not sleep on the couch never has get the silent treatment no, anyways never has, so we wanted to.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: We wanted to do this podcast subject and talk about why it's totally healthy to have disagreements, and disagreements does not mean that you're fighting.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: There's a big difference, I think, between disagreeing and fighting Well you can kind of tell when someone's bugged.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I get bugged sometimes and Nick gets bugged sometimes Because guess what Disclaimer we are a real married couple.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, we're normal couple.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, we're normal.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: yes, we're normal, and we do work together every day, all day for seven years now day after day, hour after hour I think we do really good for as much as we see each other.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: And yeah, we do kind of once in a while get on each other's nerves, so I apologize if you felt like that happened before the last episode I've, I've never got on amy's nerves, ever, never, never happened never I think it might have been the one.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: I think maybe she was referring or he whoever it was, was referring to when I I didn't mean to attack you, but maybe because I said that you had never actually planned a date night besides going to dinner.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Did that sound like I was mad?
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: No.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: No, no Okay.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: You were just disagreeing with what I had stated I definitely, we disagreed a little bit.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: And we have different perceptions of what different things mean as well.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: So anyways, anyways, okay, so this will be a good podcast episode, because it really is healthy to have disagreements in marriage.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm just going to start with that.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I'm going to throw it right out here.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: We were told by we must have been in a conversation with a marriage therapist.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: We have a lot of marriage therapist friends because we refer people all day long if they need it, and so, yeah, we have lots of conversations about therapy and all that stuff with our friends.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: And somebody told us that if you don't fight in your marriage or have disagreements in your marriage, that is a very bad sign because somebody in the relationship is not being heard and I or they're bottling it up or they're bottling it up explode eventually they're going to either explode or they're going to become resentful and they're going to just disconnect 100, because when you learn how to fight respectfully and we'll get into this but like when you learn to actually fight respectfully and like if I do something to Nick that offends him or frustrates him, then he has, he needs to be able to be.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Like that hurt my feelings or I don't.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Like when you do that or say something about, or vice versa, like I've gotten to the point where, like we're together all the time, we work together we've been through a lot of stuff in 22 years.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: We're at a point now where if something's bugging, we just kind of say it and and we don't fight about it.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: We, we discuss it she says babe, you're bugging me you're bugging, let's talk about this.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Or if I'm just kind of being a, I don't know, I'm a girl, so sometimes I have bad days, and he just was like what, what, what's the deal?
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: What's the deal?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Let's, let's talk.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: I can tell something's up, let's talk, yeah for sure that's healthy and that happens, yep that happens to everyone and that.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: So we're gonna talk about um, I don't know.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: We're gonna dive in, talk about just why it's healthy to have disagreements and arguments in marriage and how to do it so that it is considered healthy.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think after listening to this you'll hopefully agree and be like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: I mean, at first, you know, early on in our marriage, I kind of thought any disagreement was kind of conflict, and now I'm like, no, it's totally normal to have different feelings and thoughts, and independent of each other, and I guess it's how you react to those things.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: Right, that's pretty much what it comes down to.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Are you getting in arguments and yelling and screaming and silent treatment, or are you talking it?
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: out.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: Are you trying to understand why your spouse feels differently about something?
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: And we're all humans, so we are going to get upset sometimes.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Sometimes our spouse is going to do something that really really bugs us, or sometimes we have constantly said something and they haven't listened like.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: You're gonna get bugged in marriage, that's normal for sure, that's normal, for sure it's okay I.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: I think disagreements really lead to growth, though.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: When you understand, you know why you see things differently and you talk about it or why you have to.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: You know why your spouse sees something differently and why you have to.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say put up with it, but why you have to respect that, because we've talked about before.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: We all grow up from different backgrounds and experiences.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: We have different perceptions of things.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that one's right and the other's not, but that's a really good thing to say.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: You know what.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I don't understand where you're coming from, or I don't agree with what you think, but I would like to try to understand why you feel the way you do or have the belief that you have.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: And I think it kind of comes down to tone also, like if you're yelling at them, you need to figure out.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Why is the anger coming out?
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Why can't I literally just have a mature discussion about it?
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: yeah, our discussions.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: We've had a lot of discussions that Amy now understands why I am the way.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: I am right I don't know what you meant by that at all, I think just the way I grew up.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: We don't need to get into details, but I grew up a lot differently in a household that was a lot different than probably most people grow up in.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: No, there's probably a lot of people that grew up in households like you.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: We grew up different ways, and so it was rough on our marriage for a while.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we saw things differently based upon what we learned and things like that.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: So we've had to have a lot of discussions and she understands Well I think I try really hard to understand where I was coming from, and I try to do the same.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: That's the whole point is right Trying to understand why you are the way you are, why your spouse is the way they are, and then try and find that balance, Like how do we work this out?
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: Well, and think about it when you're having those discussions.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: That really promotes and encourages open communication.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: So now you're talking about things, you're getting things out that are maybe uncomfortable.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: You're talking about things.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: How can open communication, or something that prompts open communication, be a bad thing?
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: And this leads to better intimacy, which is the ultimate intimacy podcast.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Like it has to lead to better intimacy.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I was going to say too.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Was it.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: You took the thoughts right out of my mind.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Great minds think alike, don't you think it?
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: helps and when you're talking about different things, don't you think it helps, like, when you're and when you're talking about different things, don't you think it helps you understand each other better?
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, do you under?
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: if you're actually caring and trying to understand each, if you've got a whole bunch of pride and you're like I need to be right, that's never gonna happen yeah I mean, we talk about pride all the time but like literally both people have to be.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Like pride is not not going to help our marriage or intimate life, like we have to let that go and figure out.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Like there there are still things that we feel 100% different about and that's okay.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: We've had to find a balance.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Like he doesn't want to do that, I respect that, like you know.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I was just going to say when Amy's listening to me and she's thinking, dude, you're whacked what You're whacked, but I'm trying to understand how you feel.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think you're whacked at all.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I'm joking.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I'm totally joking.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I also think that people I would hope if they were avid listeners, they'd be like.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: They're just like be what's the word I'm looking for?
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Like sarcastic sarcastic or sassy with each other, because they know each other so well yeah, but maybe we come across sometimes that we're like getting on each other, and for those of you, who are kind of new to the podcast.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you'll find out that we're kind of sarcastic and our sense of humor is maybe a little bit different uh, things like that.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: So I can tell nick that he sucks at coming up with new date ideas and doing the ones that I want to do.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I can tell him that, and it does.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: It's not us being in a fight.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: That's true.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: And Nick can tell me that I suck at initiating and then my libido sucks and then he wishes he could just destroy it and give me a new libido.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: And I'm not going to.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: That's not a fight for us, but we just joke about those things.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and notice how she said that.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: She said her libido sucks.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: It wasn't attacking her personally.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: Well, because I know that it sucks and you know that your date ideas suck which is why we talk about it all the time and we joke about that.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: So when you get to a point in your marriage where you can be like, yeah, you suck at that and you suck at that, but I love you so much because you're, so good at this, this and this and I can look past that.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: One thing.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: That's a good place to be agreed.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're always gonna have things that you're weak in or faults, things like that that's where you balance each other out.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: So that is really what it comes down to.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Is having disagreements and fights is talks about coming together and balancing each other out.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Well, the more you do it, too, you actually learn how to resolve conflict, which can be very beneficial in other areas of your life.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: I can totally say that in our 22 years of marriage, I feel like my conflict resolution skills are so much better than they used to be.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: Oh me too, conflict resolution skills are so much better than they used to be like.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, me too I used to be afraid to get in arguments because I'm like, oh, this is 100 gonna end up fighting.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: You know it's gonna cause disconnect.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: And now I don't feel like hardly ever does it cause fighting or disconnect, right.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: Right like, yeah, we might have disagreements, things like that, but, um, I feel like my conflict resolution skills have become so much better.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Um, me too, like I totally agree with that.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I totally agree with that.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I feel like I used to be more immature in this area.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: If I was upset, I'm like I could go a couple days and just give the silent treatment like at our first of our marriage.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I'm just like I don't want to talk to you.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I'm going to bed mad, whatever and I heard a quote.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I'm sure everyone's heard the quote, but it's something about um, oh, I just lost it you're getting old.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: I'm so old we look at each other all the time too, and I was like I literally 20 seconds ago now, I forgot what I was gonna not not to get off track, we'll watch a movie and it'll be like a year old and we'll be like wait, I feel like I've seen this 90% for the movie I'm like oh, this seems familiar.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: We've just watched the whole movie and by the end I'm like maybe we've seen this and it's only a year old.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, I will share it, this podcast.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's why in our podcast we talk a lot about some of the same things time and time again is because we forget that we talked about it.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we apologize.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: Or that it's important.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: But anyways, getting back to it, yeah, it really does.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Having these disagreements and discussing things really does strengthen your conflict resolution skills.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: Again, I feel like I've gotten way better and I also think it strengthens your emotional intimacy when you can sit down and have a good conversation about something you disagree in and express to each other why you feel the way you do.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: And sometimes, even if there's not a resolution to it, it's just having those respectful conversations and knowing, at the end of the day, who cares if we agree, because we may not agree, but at the end of the day, does it really matter if we disagree, right?
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: right I mean we disagree about a lot of things, and that's okay.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we do, we're just different people.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: We're different people.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: Of course we're going to disagree on stuff.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: That's what marriage is.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I remember my.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I remember what I was going to disagree on stuff, that's okay.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: That's okay.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: That's what marriage is.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: I remember my.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: I remember what I was going to say, Like I oh, go ahead, Go ahead.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: You're going to make me forget it, that's what I'm saying Go ahead.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Um, it's about like you see the quotes that are like you don't like me today, fine, go to bed tomorrow, or go to bed and we'll try again tomorrow.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: That's what marriage is Like.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: There's days where you're just like, oh, I really don't like you today, but marriage is about okay, sleep it off, we'll try again harder tomorrow.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: It's a new day.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: You don't quit, you don't walk away from each other.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You just sometimes need a little food or a little sleep and you start over and you try harder the next day.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: That's what marriage is.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: It's, it's commitment, right?
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: absolutely absolutely so we had fights.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: I think we had fights where, like when we were going through really hard times, like year 10 or 12 or wherever it was, where there were times where I think we were both like I don't know if we can make it through this or or.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: That was a pretty bad fight, like maybe we're done Like in your mind, mentally you're just like I don't know if we can you know what I mean Can work through this or whatever.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: You can work through stuff and you can move on and everything's going to be okay.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: It's marriage For sure it's marriage.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: So I think one of the most important aspects of why it's healthy to have disagreements in your marriage is it allows you to let things out and share how you feel.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: Trust me, we've been, we've been there when, when you don't have an outlet to let things out to have those discussions, it builds up, kind of like a pressure cooker like to, to where eventually it's going to blow Right.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: And I think we've all seen this in our marriages at some time, where all of a sudden our spouse just has had enough and blows up and you're like, oh wow, where did that come from?
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: But if you're not talking about things, it's.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: It is very easy for a spouse to hold things in and just let it build and build and build until they blow up and and at that point a lot of damage has probably been done and you know you're feeling that resentment towards your spouse.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: So getting out and talking about things and disagreeing about things as you're able to have those discussions, it gets a lot easier and it also really keeps that resentment from building.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: And I do feel like there's a balance with this.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I feel like you can't.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: This is where it comes like, oh, you nag too much or you're always complaining, like you have to find a balance, where it's like you got to let some little things go in your marriage, like for it to become like a big argument.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: It better be really, really important, because if you are constantly nagging or like just always bringing stuff up because you're like, well, we were told that if we were just vulnerable and honest, then we just needed to release it so it didn't turn into a fight, but you got to also be careful For sure, if I'm nagging about the way this is done or that he's not helping out enough with this or this, like you almost have to find that balance right where, okay, it's got to be.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: You got to be able to open up and have those vulnerable conversations, but the other spouse also needs to listen and try to understand and fix that so it's not like a constant reminder or is always causing issues or resentment.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Because, yeah, like there, there was a time in our marriage where, like, one person wasn't listening to the other person and the other person turns into a nagger and then it finally gets to a point where like this just turns into a fight.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Let's just not even talk about this anymore, and a lot of couples will message us and be like this is a constant and usually it's a sex problem too.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: Like there's not enough sexual intimacy.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: But a lot of men will say I just don't even want to bring it up anymore because it just causes a fight.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: It just causes a fight.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we hear that all the time.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: But when you brush something important like that under the rug and you're like I just can't cause a fight anymore, like we, usually the response is if it's if it's causing a fight, it's probably really, really, really important to talk about, really important to talk about.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: So I just but I do get what you're.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: I do get what you're saying.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: We I totally agree that when you brought something up and this has happened in our relationship when you brought something up over and, over and over again and you know one of the spouses is just like, doesn't seem to care, then that that can cause a lot of issues.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: And resentment that is very hard to fix years down the road.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Very hard to fix, Like when you get to a point where resentment is so bad it's going to take you years to heal from that.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Do you want that?
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants that.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: We learn from that.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: Ain't nobody got time for that.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: I think one of the other benefits is it creates, when you have disagreements, it creates room for you to compromise.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: So if you disagree on something, it's like and it could be you know something.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: I think there are some things that it's totally normal and okay to have disagreements on and it doesn't affect anything, and there's other areas of your life or marriage where, if you disagree on things, it could affect things.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: So I think if you're talking about something that has an impact on your marriage, it creates room to find a compromise, to say, okay, you feel this way, I feel this way.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: How do we find a compromise?
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: And a great example with this could be sexual intimacy, right?
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: I mean, everyone's like, oh my heck Nick, I don't want to hear you talk about sex again.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: Heck nick, I don't want to hear you talk about sex again.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: But if, if, if, we go off what our audience is contacting us about.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: All the time we get contacted about sexual intimacy things more than anything else hands down.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: So it well, that's because we are focusing on that, yeah yeah, but what I'm saying is like, instead of you know, if you're having a disagreement about, okay, the sexual intimacy in your relationship and one spouse is saying I want it more often, the other spouse is saying I never want it, you know, neither one is I mean.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: That is a subject to where it's very important to find a compromise.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: You have to find a compromise and it might not be ideal where both spouses is like, yeah, I'm not getting it as much as I want, and the other spouse is like, yeah, I'm probably doing it too much.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: But for the sake of our marriage and happiness, like let's find a compromise.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, and that one's a pretty major topic I'm going to bring up.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I just want to give an example of like a smaller one.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: That kind of like can eat at you, because I there's big things that cause a lot of issues, like in-laws and and raising kids.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Like you can be different on different things and those are major, right.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Like that's really going to affect your relationship.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: But the little stuff can affect your relationship too.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: So like in our marriage.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: I'll think of like a little example.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: So I used to get so bugged that he was.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: So when I got married to Nick, everyone in his family said his nickname is Nick, I'm not doing it, or I'm not going McKinley, because he's stubborn, and I'm like, oh perfect, well, I'm stubborn too.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: That's totally a false nickname false.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where they got that, yeah, we do.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: So.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: Here we are two very stubborn people.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: Both our families have warned us about that.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: So my first lesson with this was we would go out of town and he's like I don't want to eat there.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: I don't want to eat there.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, he's like, well, you go there and I'll go next door and get myself a burger or whatever.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I don't want to eat that.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, he was just like no, let's just compromise.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: I'll go here, you go there, everyone's happy.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: And I didn't even think a thing of it, because I'm just like hey, you know, if you wanted something different.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Let's just make everyone happy so I went with it I'm, I'm easy you're not easy, you're very particular, but it was all the time it's like no, I don't want that, I'm going somewhere else.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: And I I was like trying not to get bugged.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: But then we had kids and the kids wanted to go here and dad didn't want that nick, so he would go somewhere else and I would deal with all the kids at this place.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I don't want the dinosaur chicken nuggets that's not where we're going.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: And so I and please don't tell me, oh my gosh, you guys are fighting over this.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'm just sharing an example.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: So we have, we have multiple kids, and all of a sudden I start going to restaurants and I'm taking the kids and he's going somewhere else and getting what he wants and then showing up later.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: So I'm wrestling, wrestling with the kids.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: So then I started to get even more frustrated.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like can you literally just eat with us and give in once in a while?
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Sometimes he would, but I just.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: It got to a point where I'm just so bugged.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: So so I finally got to a point where I'm like okay, I want him to be happy with what he's eating.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: He's spending money.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: He should enjoy what he's eating.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I am going to.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: We're just going to have to find a balance here.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: So now I am the person.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I'm like fine, so if they want to go somewhere, and I'm like, nope, I don't want to do that, I'm going to go grab something else, I'll meet you guys there.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Like that's how it's going to work, and instead of getting all mad about it, and like you know how you can fume under your breath at your spouse, just like oh, they're so frustrating this never, just some things.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: They can turn into big things, or you can turn them into tiny things.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: So now I'm just like you know what we're eating out.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Why don't we just grab what we want and we'll meet in the middle somewhere like that's how it's gonna work.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Let's all compromise on the situation.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: So I'm to a point now where I'm like this isn't gonna bother anymore.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I guess I'm gonna be stubborn too, and if you want that and I don't want that, then I because I was just giving it all the time I'm like fine, let's just all.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to stay together.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to stay together, and so I was compromising a lot, and so you just I know that sounds, maybe that was a stupid example but I was I was getting really bugged by it.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: So instead of getting bugged by it, I'm like you know what.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Maybe I need to be more a little selfish with what I want and let's just find a medium where everyone gets what they want.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: We meet in the middle.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: It's not always like this.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: We are not this high maintenance.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: We are not that high in fact, it's pretty seldom like that but but the other day we went out.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: We have four kids.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: Well, we had five of us.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: We were missing one yeah, one wanted Chick-fil-A, the other one wanted a hamburger, the other one wanted something else the pizza.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: They were all right by each other, so we're like hey everyone grab what they want.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Let's meet here.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: And that's where we're at.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: We found a compromise, then.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: The point I'm trying to share is that sometimes we can let things fester.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, here's another example.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: I'll keep it short, okay, I just.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: I want to give examples because I feel like it resonates with people yeah, for sure a lot of husbands will come to us and say I try to help out with the dishes, I try to help with the laundry, but it's never done the right way, it's never good enough.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: I do something wrong and then I get attacked for even trying.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: How, what am I supposed to do in this situation?
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: Right, and so a wife's like oh, why isn't he helping with this?
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I have to do this all by myself.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: Why can't he say that there's dishes, but then he goes and tries to do them for you dishes.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: But then he goes and tries to do them for you and you're just like you loaded the dishwasher wrong or you folded that wrong, like my girls would be.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: Like dad must have done the laundry.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: He put her shirt in my basket and now all the clothes are mixed up and nick's like I give up uh, problem solved.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: You do your own laundry you do your own laundry, and that's the point is like the little things that are causing big issues in marriage don't need to cause big issues If you just kind of step back and be like this is not a win-win until both people are happy.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: So maybe I need to, just you know.
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you for doing the dishes.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: There's more than one way to do it.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Thank you for folding the laundry.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: The towels don't have to be folded a certain way.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: I want to hit on what you're saying, because I think a lot of us overreact over the little things, which then causes contention.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: And big things, yes.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: At the end of the day, if the towels are folded differently, then maybe you do.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: it Does that really matter, that's okay.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: Right, or I mean, there's so many little things you could nitpick at, or maybe you do things differently, but again at the end of the day, like if you can just look at it and say, does this really matter in the big scheme of things?
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Does it really matter if they clean the toilet differently than I do, or if they fold the towel differently than I do, or whatever those disagreements are?
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Right, like we really are choosing in our marriage.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: Do we want to have contention or are we trying to let it go?
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because if you want contention, I can promise you can find a million things.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: To have contention over To have contention over I mean, you could just look for the negative in every single thing, and I think too that's a point to bring up is, instead of maybe looking at the negative, try to look at the positive and and say yeah, I maybe don't agree with this or this is an area we disagree in, but you know, look at the positive in it, right?
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: Right, right.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: I think that makes it.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: I think it's the way you approach it.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: I think it's the way you approach it.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I think it's the way you approach it too, like what is your tone and how I?
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: I think our entire arguments and fights could change if we sat down instead of yelling each other and letting letting ourselves get heated.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: If we sat down and be like I'm really frustrated right now, like literally I'm boiling inside, I need to let a few things out.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Could we maybe just like have a conversation about this?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I think if we approached it that way, instead of like literally boiling and like freaking out on our spouse, I think we could change the entire dynamic of our marriage.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I really do.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: And cause, when she was like I feel like you guys are fighting more lately on your podcast was like oh wait.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: I, when I look at our marriage, I'm like I don't think we've had a real fight in like years and years.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: Like that's how I feel yeah, we definitely disagree.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: In fact, some of the times I'll do a podcast, I'll be all right.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna tell amy because I want to see if she agrees or disagrees, and it's totally.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: It's totally good if you disagree, right oh, there's plenty of things that we have totally different feelings on.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: And I think too, when you have healthy disagreements, it's so important to recognize.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: When you're having a disagreement, the point isn't to try to prove your point right, why your point's right and your spouse's is wrong or vice versa versa it's.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: It's so important just to more to listen and recognize, try to recognize and understand why they feel the way they do and why you feel the way you do, and just and at the end of the day, like hey, that's totally cool, we feel differently.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: How do we find a compromise right?
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: How do we make it so it doesn't negatively impact our marriage?
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: And and obviously there's a lot of things you know, like you know, avoid blaming and you want to stay calm and different things like that to keep it from escalating into an argument.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: But I think I don't think we need to go over all that.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: I think most of you recognize what it looks like to have healthy disagreements in marriage and not let it escalate into um full-blown fights or arguments and to uh, I mean, I think healthy looks different to everyone too.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: We're not telling you like what, you, how you should fight or any of that kind of stuff, because I do think that everyone looks at it differently.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: Some people are yellers, like we have a daughter who goes to their friend's house and she's like their parents like fight, like, yell at each other.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I've never heard you guys yell at each other ever.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: And some couples are like that.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: That's how they get things out, as long as there's no like name calling and toxic be like respectful like they're respectful.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Hey, as long as you can hug each other and say I love you, let's go make love, whatever what.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: However, you do that right it's never happened before.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, I'm just joking.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: No, I'm just laughing.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: Well, because women need to cool down for a while.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm just laughing because we see stuff that says, like makeup, sex is just the best, and I'm like what is that?
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: No idea what that is.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: It's because we actually don't fight and I agreed.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: I totally agree with that, because we don't really fight.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: We don't really fight.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: We have disagreements, but then we kind of just brush it off.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: So I don't really know what it's like to have makeup, because we've never like really I don't.
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: In all honesty, like you know, amy and I have our our shortcomings.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: We have our disagreements.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: We have our issues in marriage, just like every other couple does.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: We're we're totally normal.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: But I think one of the areas we are very, very good at which has taken a lot of practice, because we weren't always good at this is handling disagreements, things like that.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I think we're really good at how we handle our disagreements.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: I also think that, but it's taken a lot of work.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: I'm not sitting here oh, it took a lot, I'm not sitting here bragging saying, oh, we're so good at this I think we're good I think we're good at it because we did a lot of things the wrong ways early on right, right.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I was gonna say.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: My favorite quote is um husbands, when your wife is angry, put a cape around her neck and then call her super angry see if she laughs, or see if she kills you you're super angry.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: You're super angry.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: That's awesome um, I think that if we would take like sometimes I'll be like on a rant and I'll be like frustrated with something, and nick will just look at me and kind of like this is so stupid, and I'll like kind of like this is stupid, I, I'm being stupid, I'm being stupid.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: So maybe like in in arguments that are not like major blow-ups, but just like are we really fighting about this?
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: Like maybe look at each other and be like can you like tell a joke in the middle of it or can we just lighten this up?
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: Like is this really?
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: Are we really fighting?
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: about this, Like maybe look at each other and be like could you like tell a joke in the middle of it?
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Or can we just lighten this up?
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Like is this really?
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Are we really arguing about this?
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: Because there are some times it's like it is really stupid and I can admit that, like sometimes I'm like why am I mad at this?
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: Why am I?
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: Take a breath, take a breath.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and my best, my best tip of the day.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: Next tip of the day if you want to stay away from fighting or having arguments, uh, for most of you don't play pickleball together we don't, we didn't fight really we didn't like have two disagreements it's called the divorce line for a reason.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I'm just teasing we haven't played together in like a year, so I don't remember.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: It's funny because we have a big pickleball community around us and it's funny to see couples.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: I can't play pickleball together, oh, yeah, you're talking about it okay I laugh about that they get in the biggest fights.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: It's comical.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like it's the dumbest game.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Why are you fighting over this?
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: Don't let that wreck your marriage.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: Don't let sports wreck your marriage anyways, the point we're trying to make is it's healthy to have disagreements in marriage.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: If you're not having disagreements in your marriage, you're probably it's probably exposing itself in other ways that are not healthy.
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: So you know, have those disagreements, sit down and talk, um that's going to lead to growth and more open communication.
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: Understanding each other, uh resolving, get your resolution skills stronger.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: Um strengthens your emotional intimacy create.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Uh makes it so you don't have the resentment in your marriage and makes room for compromise.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: So are you ending?
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: am I ending?
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: is that your ending?
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: That was my summary, turning it over to you oh okay, because I got a lot more to say yeah I'm okay, I'm uh throwing it to you.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: Okay, part two okay, because I got a lot more to say yeah, I'm throwing it to you.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, part two.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: Here are seven ways to fight fair in your marriage.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, now we're getting into fighting.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: Well, arguing, disagreeing, whatever you want to call it.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: How to do it nicely and respectfully, let's call it yeah, healthy disagreement strategies.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: Healthy disagreement strategies.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: Number one listen actively.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: Nick's a really good listener.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna give him that I'm freaking awesome I'm a good listener too, because he talks as much as I do yeah, yeah, that's true, I'll uh say that I have to listen to an hour of politics every single night on our walk and I I try not to tune out I try really hard to listen.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: oh wait, we were talking about disagreements that we agree on politics, so we don't have a disagreement there.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: Listen actively means like not interrupting.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: When your spouse is really upset, let them let it out.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: Like don't cut them off or interrupt them.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: Like if it's important to them, it should be important to you.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: We say that all the time, but like literally if something's bug bugging them, let them get it out and listen and and and care about what they're saying I'm like that's that's gonna mean a lot and that that builds trust.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: Yep, just let it out, you'll feel so much better let out in a nice way um focus on the issue of hand at hand and don't try to bring up like the past, like I I'm sure I'm guilty of bringing up the past and I try really, really hard not to, because we have been through some stuff oh, if you want to trigger your spouse, that's all you have to do is bring up the past bring up the past.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: But if you went through really hard crap, it is going to be brought up once in a while and you got to realize that like it's it's human to do that.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: So you're, if you're gone, have you been through resentment or really hard things or any kind of betrayal?
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: Like try not to bring that up.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: But if your spouse, the first while, does once in a while like understand that that's, I don't want to say that's natural and it's healthy.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: It's probably not, but there is a forgiveness process, right.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: So be patient with each other.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: Um, use I statements instead of being like you do this, you do this more like I feel like this.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: I think that was really important.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: I know we've talked about that before I am right you are wrong, wrong no, don't use that don't do that.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: That's what not to do that's what not to do what not to do.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: Use I try to put blame on your like like I'm getting better in our marriage, being like I was a brat yesterday.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm getting better at that right no comment.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: No, no comment meaning um yeah, oh wait, I'm not getting better at that no, what I?
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: I realized what I said after no comment, meaning I've never called you a brat.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying you have, when I admit that I'm like I was PMSing.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I took that out on you.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: I'm getting better at that, I think.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: You're getting better at that, I think I'm getting better at that.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: Stay calm, control your emotions or, I should add, try to stay calm like when you're really heated.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: Try to stay calm that's important because that's the.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: That's the tone again right avoid blame and accusations.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes nick's just nodding his head.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Focus on the situation rather than always accusing your spouse.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: Marriages, too.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: You are not winning if one person wins the argument you're not winning if you're losing you're not winning, you're losing that sink, and that's a deep thought that is a deep thought.
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: You are losing.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: If you think you're winning by yourself, you are losing, and try to seek a compromise for both of you yeah yeah, like we've talked about and respect boundaries.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: That's the last one I got respect boundaries, like we don't need to get into toxic behaviors because we already know that, like name calling during arguments, threatening, raising your hand, any of those kind of physical like not okay, you don't need to throw anything, you don't need to break anything.
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: That's toxic yeah, for sure, I agree.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: I think don't ever scare your spouse in any way or threaten divorce.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: That's out too.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, don't ever bring up that.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: Sleep it off, get over it, move on.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: So again, it's healthy to have disagreements in marriage.
• 38:00
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• 38:04
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• 38:07
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• 38:09
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• 38:14
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• 38:25
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• 38:38
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• 38:47
  Speaker 2: Vitalhealthproductsusacom.
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: We'll put the link in the show notes.
• 38:51
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• 38:53
  Speaker 1: I have to say something quick.
• 38:55
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• 38:57
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• 39:00
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• 39:02
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• 39:07
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• 39:08
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• 39:09
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• 39:11
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• 39:16
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• 39:20
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• 39:22
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• 39:24
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• 39:25
  Speaker 2: It was a great products Check it out and we hope you enjoyed the podcast, like always, and until next time we hope all of you find the ultimate intimacy in your relationship.