Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 246. The Difference Between "Making Love" And Just "Having Sex".. And Why It Matters

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246. The Difference Between "Making Love" And Just "Having Sex".. And Why It Matters · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Today's episode is the difference between making love and just having sex and why it matters.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: There have been times in our marriage where we've just had sex and there have been times in our marriage where we've made mad passion and love.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: So there are going to be differences.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's bad to just have sex sometimes.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just physical.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: And if your marriage is in a good place, that's fine.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: We're actually, we're not even going to jump into this yet.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we aren't going to jump into this yet, but I have a lot of thoughts.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: I'm sure you do, and not that they matter, but I do have a lot of thoughts.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: So before we start out, let's do a fun.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Would you rather question how I want to catch you off guard?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: From the Ultimate Intimacy app.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: If you don't have the app.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: What are you?
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: What are you smoking Like?
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: That should be the first thing that you download on your phone.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: What are you smoking?
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Downloaded at ultimateintimacycom.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: That's ultimateintimacycom, so let's jump in.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: Would you rather?
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Would you rather have the perfect relationship with your spouse but never experience personal growth or have challenges, or have a challenging relationship that leads to personal development?
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Can I pick number one?
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she's like I've already dealt with number two.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: I've already had a challenging relationship.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Can I be done growing?
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Can I just be like, okay, not to grow anymore?
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's the great thing about the answer.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: What if I feel like I'm in 40s?
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I've grown enough.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I'll take the number one.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Well, okay, You're taking number one the perfect relationship with your spouse but never experience personal growth.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: What if I feel fine, where am I at?
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Okay, I know, I know that's a bad answer.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I know that's an awful answer, but what if I'm just feeling worn out and tired and I'm like I'm done growing?
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: I just want to be in joy life now.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Is that okay to say?
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think that's okay and I so have a challenging relationship that leads to personal development.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I feel like we've already had our challenges, so I yeah, but if you're looking in like long term, like I think what it's asking is like you could be an even more amazing person every decade If you go through stuff right, like that's kind of our plan here.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, If I am kind of just like don't really that sounds tiring If I answer this out loud.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Will God hear me?
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, kind of like that and I whisper in the microphone because if I answer that challenging relationship that leads to personal development, then is that what I'm going to get.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: That's like literally the whole plan, all right.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I'm.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: you're going to say number two, I'm going to say number one, just so God doesn't punish me with number two, even though I think number two is great as well.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So and if I tell him that?
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I'm already tired of growing he's going to make me grow more.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Okay, isn't that funny?
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: How we're going with number two?
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, number two.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: We want to have challenges that lead to personal development.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: But not really.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Not really if you're, if you're listening, so anyways.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: No, but it is.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: I mean in all seriousness.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of times when you have challenges or things that you go through, it can make you stronger.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Not everyone chooses to let it make them stronger.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: Some people it obviously hurts their relationship.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: I would like to go back and not have those challenges.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, I would too.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to lie.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I look back at the things that we've gone through.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I think it has made us more committed.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you could say stronger, but I would still be raised some stuff.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: But overall, do you feel like we have a better relationship and good things have come out of it?
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Yes and no.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, can that be?
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Yes and no questions?
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: It can be whatever you want.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: All right, we're not going to dive into this today.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's like a whole other discussion, anyways we're just going to be honest with you.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: So there's our answers Pass transcriptions, pass in.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: That'll be for another time.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's dive in.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: I do think this is a great podcast subject.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I can't believe we really haven't talked about this, at least I don't recall, maybe maybe I think we kind of do every episode a little bit, but not like directly.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, not like black and white, like this one, but I think you know, kind of like you said, jumping out of the gate at first, I think it is okay certain times in your marriage where it is okay, where you're just going to have sex, right, like you might have a quickie.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: It might just be nothing more than just 100% physical yeah 100% physical.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: But I think when that starts happening all the time and it is all about just having sex which we'll talk about what that looks like then I think it can be really damaging to the relationship.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: And I think the reason that I say it's okay is because our relationship is already emotionally strong, typically all the time now.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Now I'm not saying always, but now.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's a mess for a while, yeah.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: So I think if your relationship is healthy and emotionally strong and faithful and committed all those things like that's when just having physical sex is probably okay.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: But if your relationship isn't in a really good place, that's literally not okay ever.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: I don't think Like do you know what I'm trying to say?
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would add to that and say if you are emotionally in a really good place in your marriage, you're probably naturally going to be making love more often than just having physical sex, Exactly exactly.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I guess it depends where your marriage is, how you would even look at this.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: But yeah, let's talk about some of the things and go through them.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: So let's start out by like just what having sex is.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Having sex first can be just primarily a physical act, like there's nothing more to it.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: It could be like you know someone just hooking up with someone that night after a date and then never seeing them again.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: Like it's 100% physical.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: There's no.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: But we're talking just marriage.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Correct, so even in marriage just having sex.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: You're not feeling connected at all.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, and again, don't get us wrong there is sometimes where having sex is fine, but overall, like if you're just only having sex every time, that's not going to be a good thing.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: So just having sex when you're focused only on stimulation, like when your focus is only about yourself and how it feels, and you're focusing only on how you're getting stimulated, you're not really worried about how your spouse is feeling.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: So this would be in marriage when one spouse is focused on orgasm and doesn't care if the other one enjoys it or has an orgasm.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're only concerned about themselves.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like in a loving.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Well, we'll get into that, yeah.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: So just having sex, also just sharing your body, what do you think that means?
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: In marriage when you're just having sex, if I'm just sharing, I think, a lot of women.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: this is where it gets tricky and this is what we hear a lot about when a woman's like well, I give it to him whenever he wants, I just I lay there whatever, like whatever.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: And I think the whole attitude that I just want to get it over with is what we're talking about here Just like not even wanting to engage in it and just doing it for your spouse.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: And we hear a lot of high drive wives like sometimes the husband will just have sex, but it's just get it over with kind of attitude.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, yep, just sharing your body is kind of just lending your body for that time period and if that's constantly, all the time, that's not okay.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: We'll get into that.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Just having sex is obviously, like I said, just focusing on your own needs, forgetting about your spouse, and having orgasm as the goal.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: For sure, which is okay sometimes for both of you though.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Exactly Like sometimes, you just need to have a really good orgasm.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: For both of you, yeah there's nothing wrong with that.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: I really like the next one.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: It may leave you feeling empty afterwards.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Have you ever had sex where even like obviously in our marriage, where you just like you're like okay, that was empty nothing.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, because a lot of it's mental too, especially for women like I think that we can go into it and if we have a lot of other stuff on our mind, or if we're just not connected, or if we've been in having resentment or I don't know, if you're just disconnected, it can often feel like that.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Which is why it turns it into just having sex.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure, and that that's obviously not a good feeling to have.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: It's no, you know, when you're done, you're just like okay, that was you know not all the time, yeah.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you can be careless or rough.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Careless or rough.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know experience, but I'm sure that that would feel very empty again.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, and I think what it's, what it's maybe implying, is if, if you're just having sex, it's more of just like again, just a physical act trying to.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: You know, careless or rough means not really, I guess, caring about your spouse, right, you're just focused on your own needs, all physical yeah.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: That would be.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: If anyone's having that kind of sex, you're probably never going to want to have it again.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: At least for women, Little foreplay.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: I totally agree with this Like for people that just want to have sex and be done.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: There's virtually very little foreplay.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: We know that most women need a lot of foreplay, so this would make a woman once again not want to have sex again, because foreplay is very important and I think it.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: We'll talk about it as we get into the difference.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: But foreplay is so much more than just a physical act too, so yeah, yeah.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Then the final one, limited well very little to almost no affection.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: When I hear that one, I think of like no kissing, no embracing, yeah.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: For sure, like there's just not that romantic feeling to it, right?
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll talk about what that looks like in a minute, yeah.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Exactly, yeah.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: So I mean, I think, I think that all those are for the most parts, if you look through them, it's more focused on a selfish standpoint, like it's more just about me, not about you, absolutely Just, is it going to feel good to me?
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: And, like I said, it's just more focused on just the physical aspect.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: I'm going to add a word to that list, and I think we did a post on this on social media and the word was it's more like an event instead of an experience.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: If it's just an event, it's like wham bam thank you, ma'am kind of an event.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: I think that turns it back into just sex.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: An event versus an experience.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because making love, which we're going to get into, really is an experience between the two of you, right, like it's supposed to be emotionally connecting all those things that we're going to talk about.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: So I think, when we get done with this podcast, it's going to be like, oh, completely obvious the difference, right?
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then focusing on here and we're also going to talk about the things you can do or the tips you can do to start, you know, making love more often versus maybe just having sex in the relationship, so which we'll dive into shortly- this is controversial, the statement probably, but for most I think that more men would be fine just having sex.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: No, I don't.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I don't, let me take that back.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: It's emotionally connecting We've all heard that for you, but it is a lot more physical for a man.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: It needs to be physical for a woman also.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: But, like you're, you desire it for a physical reason, where most women desire it for a more emotional reason, upfront.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: And then it becomes emotional for you during and then it becomes physical for us.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: So it starts physical for you and ends more emotional, and it starts more emotional for us and ends more physical.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I actually, you know, I would tend to say that I and I could be totally wrong, but I maybe a lot of men will agree with me out there, but I would I would think that maybe men are more likely to want to actually make love versus have sex.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: And the reason I say that is because I think for the most part and there's always, there's always occasions where this is not true, but I think for the most part, like a husband really wants to please his wife, he really wants his wife to enjoy sexual intimacy, and so I think he is going to say, hey, what can I do?
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: And he wants to focus on her and he wants to, you know, have foreplay, and he really wants to kiss and be close and at least, at least for me, in our relationship.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: I would say I could be wrong, but I would say if, if in our relationship I absolutely tend to want to make love more.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Okay, I want you to answer an honest question Like I always answered honestly.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: No, but like honestly, honestly, when it comes to, like you just said, wanting to have your wife me really enjoy it and and love the physical part and the whole thing, what would you put the percentage on and be honest, like, is it oh, I just want her to enjoy it because I love her so much, or is there a percentage there it says I want her to enjoy it so much so she'll want it more because it's so important?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, definitely both for sure.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I mean absolutely, but again, well, it's just like the other night.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: So the other night was my birthday and I won't give too much details.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Oh, gosh, I'm like please stop.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: Maybe he's like it's your birthday.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: What do you want and okay?
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: no more.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Anyways, for me, I'm just like, I just want to connect.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: I want to make love, like I don't want to just have sex.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: I want to make love and so okay, yeah, yeah, that's fine to share.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: I was.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I was shocked by that because I was like it's your birthday, whatever you want, I'm gonna take care of you tonight.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: And he was like I just want to connect with you, like I literally want you to want it, so tell me what you want.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: And I was like, well, it's not about me tonight, but it's this.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: That's what you just said is the exact thing we're talking about, like when you actually want your spouse to be in tune and to love everything that's going on and to feel just as good as you're feeling in whatever the way that looks like that's making love.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Well, so my thoughts.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: So I easily could have said, oh yeah, I would like you to do this tonight and and have it be all about me.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: But I didn't, because I sincerely, like, in my mind and my thoughts I was like I want this to be like love making and connecting.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: I don't want this to be just about me, like I want to make love to my wife.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: I don't want her to just be having sex with me on my birthday, like so I.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I only share that because, like, I think there are a lot of men that truly want to make love to their wives and I think there are a decent amount of women that are just like let's just have sex and get this over with.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I'm totally guilty of that.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: There's plenty of nights that I'm just like pull it out, let's do it quick.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah like I think, and that's okay sometimes, that's okay sometimes but that's I think what I'm getting at is, if you and I don't know the percentage of, maybe we needed, maybe this is a poll we need to do is for men and women is you know what percentage of men really want to make love and what percentage of women are more just having sex right, just because their husband wants to?
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: yeah, so the goal is the goal is is to get couples to get the relationship to the point where they're making love more often than having sex.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: And again, there are times I mean I just have sex and that's okay.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: There are times it needs to.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's a quickie in the car or something spontaneous and exciting and that's that's not bad.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: But you're finding that balance to where you have those deep, vulnerable connections.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: And we haven't even got into a list yet, but having having those times where it is deep and meaningful and connecting and making love so that the other times also were more meaningful.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: The point I was trying to make with the.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: It's okay to just have sex, I think, if you're already feeling emotionally connected all the time in your marriage not all the time like no marriage is perfect, but for sure if you have respect and that love and that kindness and you know you could just feel that genuine love in your marriage.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: The majority of the time, I think sex is still making love, even if it's a more physical act yeah like there's such a balance there, right there is a balance.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: There's such a balance there.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: So like, even if it's a quickie for us or I'm like it's all physical tonight, pull out a toy, or it's day four, let's just do it quick tonight.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: Like it can still be considered making love if you're already emotionally connected in your marriage.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: And that's that's the whole point of this podcast.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Is that it's really never okay to just be having sex in your marriage, just like all the time even quickies no, almost ever, because even quickies are all physical acts can still be emotionally connecting.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: If your marriage is at a good point and that's that's what we're trying to get every marriage to is that emotional level where they feel safe, they feel trusted, they feel secure, they feel loved, they feel committed, those natural things that we always talk about.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: If that's already there, then a quickie should still feel like making love, even if it's physical so.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about what making love looks like and then see if okay, if you're just quote having sex or having quickies or whatever are you still filling these things exactly of what it's like to make love.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: So I think the first thing is deep and vulnerable expression.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: So what does?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: A deep and vulnerable expression mean to you deep and vulnerable expression.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of conversation going on with that.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of connection, talking, listening, feeling like you could be vulnerable and safe and honest.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I think now it comes down to just for me, that's communication yeah actually number two is communication.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: I don't know well I was gonna say I love the next one communicating love non-verbally.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: I.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: I love that because, instead of just being like, oh you gotta tell me what you want, or tell me what you want me to do, or whatever, like you're really in tune with your spouse and, well, my guess, feeling or understanding non-verbally what they want or how they're feeling, you know yeah, yeah, in tune.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: I like the word in tune.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I really don't know how to define that.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Right now it's kind of like spur of the moment, but in tune would be it's like it.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: It's like a piano beat out of tune.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: You start playing and it's just gonna be awful.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: It sounds awful.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I realize my piano was out of tune a couple days ago.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: It's a beautiful thing.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, I think we understand it like it's just that atmosphere.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: I think it's atmosphere I think you can feel when you're in tune with each other.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: Right, it's just a feeling yep, yep, sharing your body, soul and feelings.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: So my sharing your body is okay, my, my body's yours, your body's mine.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: How do we?
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: How do we connect?
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: Sharing your feelings, like you said, being vulnerable, letting your guard down?
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I think that comes to, once again, to be able to share your body.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: You really have to be able to talk about sexual intimacy, like we talked about all the time, right?
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: So I like this.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I this feels good when you do this.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, I don't like this.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Let's try this like being open in the bedroom.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah and I was just gonna say I think sharing your body also means like getting more comfortable with things, right?
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: and I'm not saying it means you do things that you're not comfortable with.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: But you got to find that balance.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Like we hear from some spouses, they're like my spouse won't do anything.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: They won't.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: You know, let me see them naked with the lights on, or they won't do this or whatever.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: Like it's gonna be really hard to make love if you're not, you know, sharing your body, your soul and your feelings right like so.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: I think part of that is becoming comfortable and saying, yeah, it's okay to try different things that we're both comfortable with, and expressing our love in different ways, as long as you're both comfortable with and you know what I mean.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I like the nakedness part of it because, like we always show that quote to get naked, to be naked like vulnerable kind of naked, like that deep, like I love you for who you are.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important to love your body and be comfortable.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: Your body doesn't have to be perfect.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Your spouse probably loves you for who you are.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: So like that is such a huge problem in so many people's marriages that, like you said, I don't want him to see me with the lights on or whatever.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Like getting comfortable in your skin together is so massive for this topic.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: And I think that thing alone, like how in the world are you going to get to a point of making love if you can't get comfortable and vulnerable?
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: That just means you're feeling judged right Absolutely, Because immediately, then you're judging your spouse and saying well, they're going to think this, exactly, exactly, so really getting comfortable.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I love the next one.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: I think the next one's probably number one on my list, which is prioritizing your spouse.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Their pleasure, their full experience right, and to me the word that comes is just being unselfish.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Right, like you are more concerned with their needs and their happiness in the bedroom, and when you do that, I think that kind of encompasses everything else For sure.
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: Like you do that one thing and you really focus on your spouse before yourself, and that really that really embodies what making love is all about.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: And I think all the, all the couples out there listening who have really experienced that ultimate intimacy or that, that making love, uniting, feeling, like if you both like it gets intense at the same time and you both have an orgasm at the time, like you're literally in sync at that moment, right, like that's such an amazing feeling, and anyone who's experienced that is just like yeah, I want that every time.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah right, it's addicting For sure.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: In a good way.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Filling, very fulfilled afterwards, like, like we said, there's times when you kind of roll over, when you're down and you may feel empty or like, just like you know, whatever, whatever, you're just not feeling good which is totally natural which is totally natural, exactly.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: Sometimes, but when you're done and you're feeling very fulfilled and happy and just connected, do?
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: you ever not feel fulfilled and connected?
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel fulfilled and connected, as long as I know you're happy like I don't feel fulfilled and connected.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: If I don't feel like you're fulfilled and connected, that's great.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: So my fulfillment and connection is based upon your fulfillment and connection.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: Thanks babe.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: I think that's easier for the man than the woman.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I think that this is a whole topic is harder for women to always feel that fulfillment and that pleasure with sex and that connection.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know, because so many women do treat it like a chore often, and when you have that attitude, that's like this is about him, this is just about getting off, this is my pleasure, doesn't really matter, like if they're having those thoughts at all, they're not going to have that feeling after.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right, and so that I don't want to put it on the husband because that's a lot of responsibility, but helping your wife really enjoy sex, really find pleasure in that, really feel that emotional connection during it, like it's both people's jobs.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: But I think a lot of that is put on the husband, which unfair, fair, I don't know.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just a lot though, but I think it's harder for a woman to always get done and be like that was.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: So I hope women all feel like that was amazing, but I've heard from so many women that it's not always like that, that that's sad and that does come back to both of you communicating and figuring out why is this and so many couples have such a hard time talking about sexual intimacy that this can be a really big burden.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Right, this is for someone who can't talk about this, and this is what I want.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: This is what I enjoy, this is what I'm missing outside of the bedroom, all those things that create this ultimate intimacy.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: There's so many parts to it I don't know it's really.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: It sounds great for us to all feel like, oh, we're so fulfilled afterward.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: A lot of people are not, and so, if you're not, that is where we go clear back to four place starts in the morning, feeling emotionally connected to each other, respected.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: It's not easy to always have those amazing feelings after.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Like, I'm just, I'm just trying to be realistic here, right.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: It's easy if you're at this point in your marriage.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: It's not easy if you're not, because sex is very, very, very vulnerable.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: I love the next one.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Making love is, approaching it with care and tenderness, I think.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: For for men, the natural tendency for men is, you know, we're full of testosterone, we want it to be, you know, maybe more mind blowing, mind blowing and rough, and this and that.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: So I think, when you know when a when a man is touching his wife tenderly and carefully and and things like that, I think that's a absolutely.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I think women can absolutely agree with this one.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: Approaching with care and tenderness doesn't just mean like soft touching and and the way you do it.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: That just means it can also mean tenderness in your respectful respect and emotions and and what you're asking or do and how you're asking and how, just all those things.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: It's to me I almost think of it more like feeling like you can tell if your husband's being careful and tender with you.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: For sure I like that.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Making love really emphasizes foreplay I I think the best sexual intimacy is when there's really good foreplay.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean whatever that looks like in your relationship.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to say every marriage is so different because foreplay could be like all those things that build up to the bedroom.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: In fact, I'm usually the one that's like, hey, let's, let's have longer foreplay tonight.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: And you're like, oh, just get the vibrator and let's, let's get to it.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: So it's okay, let's just stop that right there, for just uh-oh, what did I say?
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: It's not that women, it's not that women don't want to enjoy foreplay.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: A lot of women would totally disagree with me right now and a lot would agree with me.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Um, there are times when foreplay could be long and amazing and edgy and full of arousal, like that kind of that.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: That's great.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that's amazing, and sometimes for women, we've dealt with the mental load.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: We are physically exhausted, we are stressed out, like those things are real too, and sometimes it's just certain nights.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: You're like you know what this is going to work for me fast, it's going to feel amazing fast and we can still be emotionally connected and making love with that cookie that we talked about, right?
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: So I, yeah, and it shouldn't let's remember it shouldn't always be about what the woman wants, it's about both of you, right?
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Like I don't want to come across like, oh, this is how I'm feeling tonight, so this is how it should have to be.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Like if your husband's wanting some long, connecting foreplay and it's, it works for your schedule and your kids are asleep, or everything's good, you know, and you're in the right mindset, like full on, enjoy each other for as long as you can right.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: And if there's.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: If there's a reason that you don't want foreplay all the time, there's probably a bigger disconnect.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: There's something going on in her mind.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: There's something.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: There's some resentment, maybe like why is it that way?
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Always has to be a quickie?
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I've I've had to ask myself that before.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: Like I've gone weeks at a time where I'm like just get over it, let's just go to over it.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: There's something.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: There's usually a reason why that needs to be discussed.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: If it's always like that, that makes sense.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, let's go say do we need to discuss anything on the podcast?
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: No, we're good, I'm just joking.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: I'm just joking, I like the next one to the last.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: One involves touching, kissing and affection.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: You know, we get husbands that write us and they're like my wife just doesn't want to be touched, doesn't want to be kissed, doesn't want that affection, and it's, it's just like I want that, I need that and I think, coming back to it, like they don't want to just be having sex, they want to make love to the person that they love.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: And You're smiling.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, is it because?
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: is it because half of my hair is falling out and I look ridiculous right now?
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Or is it because they kind of hair transplant, if you didn't know, anyways and half my hair is falling out, so I look.
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: I look like I'm a mess.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: So that's not why I was smiling.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, I figured you're just laughing at me because I was actually just thinking about all the women that comment say I'm touched out.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: At the end of the night I the last thing.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: I want my husband to touch me and I've raised little kids and I get that.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: And I'm not even a physical touch person.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: So of all people, I should probably be like, oh my gosh, I feel the same way, but I don't, because Even though I'm not a physical touch person and I've done the whole toddler thing for years, I'm done with all that.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: I Always felt like your touch was different than a bunch of kids climbing.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: I hope so, I hope my and that's what I don't.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: I don't understand like I can if I feel like a little kid climbing all over, that's probably not a good.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, how do I explain this?
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: my husband's like a little kid.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: He's just climbing on top of me.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: No, but a lot of women's states like my.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: I have kids climbing all over me.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: I am so physically touched out by the end of the day and I'm like I Get that, but that's so different, like your husband wrapping his arms around you and holding you, or Like sexual touch, like it's just such a different, like we got to get our mindset out of, like I've been touched out all day too.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: I have been touched out in this way all day.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: Now I need some adult touch like it's, like it's a mindset thing, right.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: And yeah there's days where you're just like I'm just not in the mood, and that's okay.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: That's why a healthy balance is so important in a marriage.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: But for like, okay, I'm gonna get to the point.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Husbands, if you're touching your wife sexually the right way, like she's going to love it.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: It's like make a movie night, okay, that's like our favorite thing, right, that's the best arousal, that's the best for a play like Try it.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: If you haven't, if you're rubbing your arm or touching her legs, like, however you're touching her, she's probably gonna love it.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: If you talk to her about what do you like?
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: Do you like when I rub your arm, your shoulder, like whatever those things?
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Like Nick can tell when I don't like something, I'll move.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, right her, she's like turning off Well he likes to rub the same spot for like an hour and then my shoulder gets sore and I'm like or my leg, and I'm like, yeah, you know, you can't rub the same spot for a long time.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: See, I'm still learning.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: After 22 years, I'm still learning.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: Talk about these things, like sexual touch is important and like, if you're doing it right, if foreplay is done right, if you're talking about these things, really communicating about those things, and she's like I don't know what I like, I just don't want anything right now, dive down into why.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Like, find out, let's figure out together what feels good to you, because I'm telling you, like, when you figure out what works in the bedroom, she's not gonna Deny you all the time, right?
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: Hopefully, yeah right if you're emotionally connected, like what making love is all about, it's that emotional connection first, and then you care about her physically.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: She's enjoying it.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: This is going to happen a lot more often.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: Totally agree, totally.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Sorry, that was a lot of words, but hopefully summarize that I thought that was really good.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: So let's let's dive in now.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: A lot of you are thinking, alright, well, how do I Convert or start making love instead of just having sex?
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: And I think we'll offer you know kind of eight things.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: But first we talked about taking your time.
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: Slow it down, don't be in such a hurry, and make your goal.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: Make your goal and your focus to meet your spouse's needs before your own.
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: Put their pleasure above your own and, like Amy said, you know, talk about it.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: Communicate your desires, your Sexual fantasies with each other, what, what you want in and out in the bedroom.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: I think that's so important as well.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and if you're just boring in the bedroom, that's fine too.
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah everyone's relationship is gonna look totally different.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: What I mean, and that's fine.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: Don't don't compare yourself.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: Not that you're gonna really know what other people are doing, but don't don't think that you know what other people are doing and what.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: Think that you're missing out.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: And you're 15 and what works for you, you're 15 for us.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: I bought a bedroom game because I was like maybe we need to be more crazy, maybe we need to do more adventures things, maybe we need to be trying different things.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: And Not much time after that I realized, you know, I'm pretty happy with the way things are, like I don't need a whole lot of spice in our marriage, and Nick feels the same way, like we don't need to do a Whole lot of different things to feel like it's amazing.
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, yeah, it's true, just that's right.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: One of the other tips is make more eye contact during your love making.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: This is a very awkward thing to do First.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: It's really awkward, but a lot of marriage experts and professionals also give this recommendation.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: Like when you're, when you're connecting or when you're looking at each other, you're even being more vulnerable and and it just can make things better.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, every time I catch him staring at me, I'm like please turn off the lights.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: I can't concentrate.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true, that is true.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: Spitting facts there and I think too, getting back to communication, really Express verbally how much you love them while you're making love like I love you, I love how you feel you make me feel so amazing.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I love connecting or save it for after we're saving for after every time you start talking and then I'm like now I can't concentrate.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: Use your senses.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: I like this one using all of your five senses.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: You know, touch, feel Just sight, if you're into that.
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sight, incorporate your senses into lovemaking, because your senses are very, very powerful.
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: Oh yes.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: So what?
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm just like not gonna look at me anymore because he's like don't say anything else, you're ruining my list.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: No, no, you're, I think I'm just gonna add that it's important not to like if this doesn't work for you, do it after you make love like it does of course.
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: Like, like all these things are gonna work the way that you need them to well.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: That's so.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: One of the things on list is after you make love, cuddle and talk with each other, don't be like me and roll over and go to sleep.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm the one that usually wants to cuddle, or she's like alright.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: Good night, I love you, love you.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: That was great.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: Oh, that was amazing.
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: That's because we do so much talking during the entire day and before that I'm like okay, Bedtime.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: Let's not talk, let's just, let's just make love.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, obviously, in focusing solely on your spouse's needs above your own, like we've talked about, put their pleasure above yours, and I think one of the One of the last things before we end this is here's a couple questions.
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: You can really have to discuss these things openly and honestly with your spouse to really improve your lovemaking.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Have this discussion, sit down and ask this question how often do we prioritize making love over just having sex?
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: One of the things I found is, when you talk about it together, you may assume that your spouse is feeling the same way.
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: I remember asking Amy a question and saying hey, how would you rate our marriage right now?
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: And I'm expecting like a nine, right, she's like a seven or six or whatever.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm like what?
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: And then she Expressed why and then we were able to address.
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: You know why she feels that way.
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: Same thing can happen here.
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: If you sit down and talk about it and you're feeling like okay, I'm feeling on a scale of one to ten, like we're making love like a nine, and and your wife is feeling like a five.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: What things can you do differently to get you both to that Higher level, right, yeah.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: Another question asked your spouse is do we communicate our desires and our needs to each other before and during sexual intimacy?
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: As we always talk about?
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: Communication is the key for everything, so you have to talk about sex.
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: You have to talk about these things together.
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: Next question is do we take our time to focus on creating deeper connection during sexual intimacy or do we rush towards orgasm?
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: How can we incorporate more passion and tenderness and affection into our love making and how can we deepen our emotional connection during sexual intimacy beyond just the physical pleasure?
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: those are some great questions and and if we have a ton more obviously on the ultimate intimacy app like took my words.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, let me know came from the ultimate intimacy app intimate conversation starters right.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: I believe so and there's tons.
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so have these deep conversations, and when you have these conversations, you're going to find that your love making is gonna get so much more connecting and and just better overall 100% 100% 100% is that a guarantee?
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: Is that a Amy McKinley See money back guarantee?
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: I don't want anyone coming after me and be like you.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: Guarantee no, no guarantees Good chance, though Good chance.
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so we hope you enjoy the podcast.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: As you incorporate these things into your relationship, we really think you're gonna see a Great change.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: I Just I know we have.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: I think it all comes down to attitude.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: I Think this entire podcast episode could be wrapped up in your attitude.
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: I think if, if you want to be making love in your marriage, that starts in your mind.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: How do I, how do I change my attitude?
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: How do I change my actions?
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: How do I change my words?
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: How do I change the tone of voice in my marriage?
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: How did I change all those little things in my marriage so that we are making love, when we are making love, like I think it all comes down to positivity and I can totally tell I'm gonna be flat, it honest.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: I can tell that the times we're just having sex and the times that we're making love in our marriage All usually come down to my attitude.
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah where's my mindset at, where is my focus at, where's my positivity at?
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: And when you're really focusing on the positive things about your spouse, the positive things about your day, positive things about your marriage, you're much more.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: You're just gonna.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: You're gonna feel that unity.
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: Beautiful.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: That's a great way to end, so we appreciate all of you listening to the podcast and until next time we're out.