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Validated & Alive: Fueling Your Relationship with Understanding · Trauma Free Relationship

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Validation is communication. It's communication that you
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understand someone's internal experience.
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Now let's be clear about what validation is.
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Validation is not like an attaboy.
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It's not hey, thanks for taking out the trash or even job well
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done. Validation is like the oxygen in
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a relationship. When we don't get enough of it,
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it feels like we're suffocating. When we do get enough of it, it
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feels like we can breathe deeply and like we're really satisfied
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with what's happening in our relationship.
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So it's absolutely vital in order to have a safe and secure
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relationship. And what I see is that most
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relationships don't have enough validation.
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Partners don't validate each other enough.
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One of the things we talk about in therapy is that as much as
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you think you're validating your clients, times it by three,
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times it by 4, do more validation because at the heart
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validation holds us together. It it it creates A cohesive
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identity that is is essential for how we see ourselves.
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If we think about our identity, think about it in terms of how
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do you see yourself? Well, that identity is supported
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and sustained through others. And so when we get validated,
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when other people let us know that our experience as a human
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being, however strange or odd or or what seems out of context,
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can be understood by another human being, then we feel more
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cohesive as a person. And our identity is supported
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and sustained through that process.
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So we're going to talk about validation today, and we're
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going to talk about why it is like oxygen in a relationship.
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Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate and
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scientifically informed information, as well as the
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tools to help you create a secure connection between you
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and your partner. And here's your host, Tom Phil.
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OK. As I mentioned, validation is a
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form of communication. It's a communication that you
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understand somebody's internal experience.
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It's communicating to your partner or anybody for that
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matter, that you understand their experience and that it
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makes sense that there's a logic and a reason behind somebody's
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internal experience and that their perceptions and their life
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context make sense. And as I said, we build and
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sustain and support our identity through being reflected in
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other's eyes. When they can understand our
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experience, internal experience, then that that creates cohesion
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in who we are. But what that means is that
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validation is also very hard because we have to suspend our
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own experience in order to use empathy and step into our
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partner's shoes to look at their experience through their eyes
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and understand what's going on for them.
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So what are the great blessings in a relationship is that it's
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designed to expand our own experience of ourselves by
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coming up against someone else's experience that is different.
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And when we can take the time to suspend our own experience long
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enough to step into somebody's shoes, long enough to validate
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and understand the context, the feelings, the perceptions of
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another human being, especially our partner, then everybody
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starts growing together. There's a an old saying in the
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therapy field. A rising tide lifts all boats.
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So when one partner begins to expand who they are and broaden
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who they are, and they can use more validation and more
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empathy, then that lifts the whole relationship to a
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different level. So think about it this way.
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Give you an example. I'm sure that you have
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encountered a situation like this before.
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Let's say if you're having a conversation with somebody or
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you're in a group and one person starts becoming very
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dysregulated, they start becoming very upset or very mad.
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Usually in that context, the best thing to do is to tell
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them, hey, you're making too much of this, calm down, and of
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course they'll see the logic of what you're saying and they'll
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immediately start to calm down. No, that doesn't happen, right?
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Usually what happens is the opposite.
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If you tell somebody to calm down, they start getting more
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upset. They start getting louder.
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And why is that? Why is that a weird phenomenon
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that happens? It's strange because what's
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happening is you're sending them a nonverbal message that their
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experience is not being understood, that they don't have
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a right to be angry, and that it's not valid that they're
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angry. So of course what they do is
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they interpret that as as I'm being invalidated and that makes
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me even more angry that I'm not being understood in this
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context. So validation is is not just a a
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platitude. As I said, it's not like an
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attaboy, a good job, or even something as simple as hey,
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thanks for taking out the trash. Validation is the ability to
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really understand another person's experience, and as I
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said, this is vital in our closest, most intimate
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relationships and as vital in being able to to create a safe
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and secure relationship with your partner.
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And I'll say this again, as much as you think you might be
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validating your partner times it by two times, it by three, do it
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four times as much as you are. Because chances are you're not
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getting it enough and you're not providing it enough to your
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partner. So what I want to do in the rest
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of this podcast is I want to go through four ways that we tend
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to invalidate and four ways that we do validate.
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So we can sort of deconstruct this here.
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What does this idea of validation mean?
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Because I think sometimes people have a surface, a surface
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understanding of it and then really contextualize this in our
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relationships as what does this look like when we invalidate our
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partner versus validate our partner.
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So I'm going to walk through these eight, eight different 8
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point scale if you will, four ways that we invalidate, four
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ways we validate and you can sort of think about your own
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relationship and and and and reflect as I'm walking through
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these. Are there ways that you
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invalidate your partner or feel invalidated by your partner?
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And what are some ways you can do more validating?
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Now this eight point scale is not mine.
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This actually comes from Les Greenberg and Rhonda Goldman who
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are couples therapists and researchers up in Canada.
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I believe they were out of York University, but I I've always
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liked this eight point scale. It's always stuck out to me as
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as being important in terms of of maintaining our identity in
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our relationships that is is supported by our partner.
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So here we go. These are four ways that we tend
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to invalidate our partner. The first one is ignoring.
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So you simply do not hear the internal experience of your
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partner. Partner says I'm really tired,
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I've had a hard day and the response is what do you want to
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do for dinner tonight? So it's just completely ignored.
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Now obviously there can be exceptions to this rule.
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You could not have heard your partner.
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You could be in a completely different place in time.
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And when that happens, we can make those corrections and we
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can go, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
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What did you say? But to have this consistently
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show up where you are expressing something to your partner about
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your internal experience, and to have it be completely ignored is
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one of the ways that we invalidate.
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The 2nd way is criticizing the partner criticizes the internal
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experience, actions, or the identity of the partner.
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So you are wrong. You shouldn't feel that way.
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I don't know why you're thinking like that.
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That's stupid. I don't.
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You shouldn't. You know, I don't get that.
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That doesn't make sense to me. You shouldn't feel that way.
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So an example might be I don't I don't do that.
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You know I I had a couple that I was talking to the other night
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and she was pregnant and wanted her husband to rub her feet And
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and he was saying, well, I I don't want to rub your feet and
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look at all these other things that I do.
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And So what was happening is he was hearing it as criticism
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because the way he was interpreting that was you're not
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a good husband because you won't do this.
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One thing for me and what the, what the the, the wife in this
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particular case was wanting is that hey, I'm in a vulnerable
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state. I'm pregnant with our child.
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I need extra care and concern. It wasn't even about the rubbing
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of the feet as it is about extra care and concern a little more
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nurturing because I'm, I'm in a vulnerable state.
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But he heard that as criticism and so, and certainly that could
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be the way he was interpreting that.
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But criticism can also very much be verbal criticism.
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You're wrong, you're stupid, you're lazy.
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Character attacks. So that's the 2nd way that we
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can invalidate our partner. The 3rd way that we can
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invalidate our partner is through what is called dominant
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defining. So it's where one partner
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defines the other's reality or explains the partner's
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experience in a negative way does not fit the experience of
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the person. So you have no reason to cry.
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That's not that bad. These are types of things where
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one person's experience of reality must be the experience
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for both people. And I often see this in my
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couples when they want to start talking about the event at what
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I call a level one communication, where they want
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to discuss who said what to whom and in what order.
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And what they're doing is they're debating who has the
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better memory, and they're debating who gets to define that
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interaction, whose version of reality gets to define that.
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And when they talk about it at a Level 2 communication, then what
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actually begins to happen is they begin to make more room for
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different feelings and different perceptions of the same event.
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And they open up a space that allows them to be able to talk
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about that and share the fact that they can have different
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experience of it. So they're no longer locked into
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whose definition has to define reality.
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So this can certainly play out with trauma where one person's
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trauma can get triggered and they can they insist that their
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version of what happened, their version of the interaction or or
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or reality must be adhered to. And they do that because in that
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moment when they have been triggered through their trauma,
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their need is so great and so strong that they have to have
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that buy in and that validation from their partner that the way
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they're seeing it is legitimate. It is legitimate from their
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internal experience and so sometimes trauma can really lock
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us into dominant defining in in certain moments.
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We also see this a lot with personality disorders,
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borderline personality disorders, narcissistic
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personality disorders. They have a great deal of
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difficulty being able to to understand that you can have
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multiple interpretations of one event.
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And often what they do is they put so much pressure and stress
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on a partner that their version is the only version that can be
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accepted in in an interaction or of an event that has occurred.
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All right, so that's the 3rd way we can invalidate.
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The 4th way we can invalidate is we can misunderstand our
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partner. We cannot recognize the deeper
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meaning of the experience that our partners conveying.
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It will be OK. When your partner's clearly
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distressed, tomorrow's a better day.
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We're not able to sort of understand the full context of
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why they are sad, why they are stressed, why they are upset, or
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simply they're trying to communicate something to us and
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we don't get their line of thought that led them to to a a
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result or to a solution they're trying to provide.
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And so it feels weird to us. So we don't get the context that
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they're adding. And this is very true with
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trauma as well. At times our partners experience
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or what they're saying to us can be puzzling because we're not
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under sure, we're not sure we understand where it comes from.
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And so misunderstanding is part of that 70% where we are often
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misattuned because we just don't understand the full breadth and
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context of what our partner is trying to convey to us.
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So those are four ways and I'm sure there's more, but those are
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four very common ways that we tend to invalidate our partner,
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ignoring, criticizing, dominant, defining and misunderstanding.
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And these can show up occasionally in a relationship
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and cause ruptures or these can show up consistently in a
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relationship and cause ruptures. I don't want you to think that
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these are discreet in terms of they turn on or they turn off.
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Think about them more like continuum that sometimes
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ignoring can be little bitty small things or it can be
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something that's more chronic in the relationship.
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Criticizing can show up very seldom only a few times or it
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can be something that's more chronic in the relationship.
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So think about it more on a continuum then more of yes we
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have it or no we don't. So let's talk about now the four
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ways that we actually can validate our partner.
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So the 1st way we can validate our partner is we can begin to
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just understand. We can understand our partner's
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internal experience through verbal and non verbal means.
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So we can suspend whatever experience we're having, however
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we're conceptualizing that, and we can try to draw out the
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deeper and broader context of what our partner's communicating
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and through our eye contact, our UH huhs.
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Oh, that makes sense to me. Yeah, we're giving feedback to
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our partner that we're getting it, that what it is they're
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communicating to us, we're able to understand.
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So that's a very basic way that we can validate our partners.
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We just seek to understand. There's an old saying that says
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nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you
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care. And part of caring is that we
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are seeking to understand our partners internal experience.
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So that's the 1st way. The 2nd way is we can confirm
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what they are saying. So we can accept the other
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person's experience, that their feelings, their needs, their
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behaviors are valid and that they make sense That as
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listeners we can confirm their feelings in its current and past
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context. So this helps confirm a stronger
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sense of identity by confirming the reality of the other
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person's experience. So not only can we just
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understand it in the current context, we can also say yes,
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and I can certainly understand given you know how you started.
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When you when you first landed this job, you were, you were
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frustrated because nobody was helping on board you.
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Oh, I can understand that because when you grew up, this
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happened to you. So I can certainly see why you
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would look at it this way. And so we can understand it at a
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deeper level. Not only are we understanding at
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a surface level, which is the first one I talked about, but
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now we're getting the the broader context of what's going
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on and we're still giving them that eye contact the a hugs.
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Yes, this makes sense to me. Oh that.
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I understand that. So on and so forth.
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So now we're actually really going deeper and confirming
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another person's experience. The 3rd way that we can validate
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somebody's experience is through respect.
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And so the partner expresses respect for and valuing of their
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partner. I do care about what you need.
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I know that when you get stressed, I can neglect you, and
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I want to hear about how that impacts you so I can work on it
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because I don't want to hurt you in this way.
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So when we have respect for somebody, not only do we
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understand it, not only do we confirm it and it's larger
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context, but then we want to take actions to actually help
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that person. So there's this level of respect
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to not repeat a behavior that is harmful.
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To put down our iPhones and make eye contact with our, with our,
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with our partner when they feel like they're being neglected.
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Or when they're talking to us. To not trigger our partner at
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least intentionally when we know they have certain triggers to
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protect those triggers and not try to to play into those or
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exploit those triggers even in an accidental way.
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So when we when we respect somebody we know about their
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life, we know about their internal context and and
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internal stories and experience so much so that we want to do
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something about it. We want to act in a way that is
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helpful. So that is the third way we
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validate. The 4th and final way that we
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validate is through attunement. And so we can actually confirm
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our partners experience their emotional experience by fully
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attuning to what they're saying. The partner shows a full and
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elaborated understanding of their internal experience of
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their partner. And this happens a lot in
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therapy, because this is a moment by moment tracking of of
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the person's experience and what's going on with them.
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And even as therapists, we don't always get this right 100% of
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the time. But when you're tuning to
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something, you're not only listening to the words, but
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you're watching their behavior. You're watching the emotions
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that are behind what they're saying, and you're tracking them
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moment by moment to notice any subtle shifts, any slight
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differences? Are they breathing hard?
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Do they look down at the floor when they say something?
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Do they move away from their emotions and all of a sudden go
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cognitive where at for one moment they were speaking from
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their heart and it was very heartfelt and they were drawing
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you in and now all of a sudden it feels like they're getting
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philosophical and they're pontificating and you feel
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further away from them. Do you notice those types of
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shifts? So this is a skill that anybody
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can learn. We can all learn to be more
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attuned to our partner, but it's something you definitely find in
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therapy with good therapist. They are constantly tracking the
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moment by moment interaction between them and their client,
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whether that be individual or whether that be a couple.
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And they're doing so by just noticing any subtle shifts that
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might be happening. You do this in your own
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relationship too. You come home and you notice
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something's a little bit off with your partner.
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They may not have said anything. They may not have said anything
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in words, but something compels you.
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You just feel like there's something different going on.
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And so you say, what's wrong? Are you OK?
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Because you can sense something's different, You can
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sense it in the air. And so we all kind of know what
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that's like with our partners. So that's an example of
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attunement. You're really attuned to those
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subtle shifts that something's not quite right with my partner
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and I'm going to lean in and I'm going to move towards them and
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I'm going to turn towards them and ask what's going on?
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Are you OK? I want to hear about it.
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So that's the final way that we can validate our partner.
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So take this information today, ponder it, put it into the
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context of your own relationships, and ask yourself,
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do I, do I validate my partner enough?
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Does my partner validate me enough?
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Do we often get caught into cycles that cause us to
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invalidate each other? And I think what you'll find is
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that as we move towards in our relationships, more validation
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that it will be like a huge breath of oxygen in our lungs
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and a huge burst of oxygen in our relationship.
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Or we feel more like we can be at ease and we can breathe
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deeper and feel more safe and secure.
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And it doesn't feel like we are suffocating as much like we can
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be ourselves. So try this in your
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relationships and of course, as always, reach out.
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If you have comments, concerns, questions, let me know what
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you're thinking. I'd love to hear from you.
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As always, thank you for listening and until next time.
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We'll talk to you then. Thank you for listening to
22:54
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
22:57
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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