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S3 E27 - Poisoning Ivies · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast at Steve's mom's house.
0:07
SPEAKER_02: That is be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: Write us a review while you're there too.
0:18
SPEAKER_02: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
0:23
SPEAKER_02: Well, hey, thank you, Johnny and Jeff.
0:26
SPEAKER_02: What a great day to be back in the studio.
0:28
SPEAKER_02: How's it going, Jeff?
0:29
SPEAKER_02: You have a good week?
0:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I've had a great week, and today was just beautiful.
0:33
SPEAKER_01: It's like 78 and sunny.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: And you know, all week I've been going out for walks and just kind of enjoying life.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: What about you?
0:40
SPEAKER_02: Been really nice here too.
0:41
SPEAKER_02: Today, in fact, was the 45 minutes of spring.
0:45
SPEAKER_02: So I really I got out and I enjoyed it.
0:48
SPEAKER_02: Weird thing happened to me when I went out today, though.
0:50
SPEAKER_02: I was I was just gonna take a walk, enjoy the day, you know.
0:53
SPEAKER_02: But I was I was taking a walk and I ran into this this little girl.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: Well, she's she's actually my mom knew her grandmother, and they used to knock back pop-up back in the day.
1:04
SPEAKER_02: Well, grandmother's long gone, but now my mom is knocking back pop-up with her mom, you know, the daughter of the grandmother, who's the mother, but not the you know, but not yet a grandmother, because this girl is like nine years old, right?
1:18
SPEAKER_02: So I mean so, but that's her that's her mom is the daughter of the grandmother.
1:23
SPEAKER_02: I you clear?
1:24
SPEAKER_02: Okay, we're good, we're good with that.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: I but I but I digress.
1:28
SPEAKER_02: So anyway.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: And I went for a walk.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: I went for a walk, yeah.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: That part, that part's really clear.
1:33
SPEAKER_02: So I I run into I say hi to her, and outside her house, she's got the little lemonade stand, you know, you don't see too many of those anymore.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: But I thought, well, that's that's nice.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: That's nice, that's really cool.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: So I I stopped and I was gonna buy some, you know.
1:46
SPEAKER_02: I I just really was I was so impressed because literally you don't see kids doing that so much anymore.
1:52
SPEAKER_02: She has this big sign that was selling lemonade, and she said on the sign said that she was selling the lemonade because she needed to save up money because she wants to go to Harvard.
2:01
SPEAKER_02: I thought, wow, a nine-year-old that's think right raising money wants to go to Harvard.
2:04
SPEAKER_02: That's that you know, that's cool.
2:06
SPEAKER_02: That's really cool.
2:06
SPEAKER_02: I was just so impressed.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: You must have a nice neighborhood because most of the kids in my neighborhood they pretty much sell drugs to buy lemonade.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
2:16
SPEAKER_01: You know, especially with those tariffs on those Mexican lemons.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, yeah.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: You know the cost of Mexican lemons.
2:22
SPEAKER_01: But, anyways, that sounds really cute.
2:25
SPEAKER_02: It was, you know, I I I went up to her, I was kind of thirsty, you know, because I was walking and everything.
2:30
SPEAKER_02: So walk up and she says, Hey, mister, you want to buy some lemonade?
2:34
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, she knows she knows adorable.
2:37
SPEAKER_02: You know, she knew me.
2:38
SPEAKER_02: She probably read about that tactic in the art of the lie.
2:42
SPEAKER_02: That's a very popular book, and the way I understand it.
2:44
SPEAKER_02: You know, a lot of people tell me that's a popular book.
2:47
SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
2:47
SPEAKER_02: So I was, I was, I was gonna buy a cup, you know.
2:49
SPEAKER_02: I said, Yeah, I'll buy a cup.
2:50
SPEAKER_02: Then well, then I read the sign a little closer, and it said, lemonade$50.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: So I can go to Harvard when I grow up, right?
2:58
SPEAKER_02: That was you know, that was in little print, but fifty dollars, that was in big enough print that it, you know, it made an impression.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: So I thought maybe I was her first customer.
3:08
SPEAKER_02: And as you know, Jeff, I have some skills in the business world, you know.
3:11
SPEAKER_02: So I wanted to help her out, give her a little, a little business class, maybe a little helper, you know, a little consultation, you know.
3:19
SPEAKER_01: Did you hesitate for a second and think that maybe this is what is gonna happen after the tariffs kick in?
3:24
SPEAKER_02: Because it could be in retrospect.
3:26
SPEAKER_02: I should have asked her, hey, where are these lemons from?
3:28
SPEAKER_02: Are these from China?
3:29
SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, I understand the$50 then.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
3:33
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
3:33
SPEAKER_02: But I digress.
3:34
SPEAKER_02: So I, you know, so I said to her, yeah, Becky, which is that's her name.
3:38
SPEAKER_02: So you know, that's what I called her.
3:40
SPEAKER_02: It'd be kind of weird if that wasn't her name, right?
3:43
SPEAKER_02: Becky, you know, uh, you may have made a mistake with your sign and the numbers.
3:48
SPEAKER_02: I uh you said fifty dollars.
3:49
SPEAKER_02: I you probably mean fifty cents.
3:51
SPEAKER_02: Becky shakes her head, no, no, Mr.
3:53
SPEAKER_02: Steve.
3:54
SPEAKER_02: Mr.
3:54
SPEAKER_02: Steve, just like my old paper girl, right?
3:56
SPEAKER_02: You know, the neighborhood's full of people that call me Mr.
3:59
SPEAKER_02: Steve.
3:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
4:00
SPEAKER_02: So anyway, she says, no, no, no, Mr.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: Steve,$50 for a cup of lemonade.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: I need the money to go to Harvard.
4:06
SPEAKER_02: You know, I liked her hustle and her guts, but you know, she's just she's not gonna sell any lemonade at 50 bucks a glass.
4:13
SPEAKER_01: Nobody's gonna buy that.
4:14
SPEAKER_01: So she'd have to sell some other stuff if she wanted.
4:17
SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, if she was selling the drugs, maybe, maybe drugs with lemonade, you know.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
4:22
SPEAKER_02: Like$49 for the drugs, and uh, you know, you get a little three dollar, you get another lemonade, right?
4:27
SPEAKER_02: Something like that.
4:28
SPEAKER_02: But you know, I I mean, at that at this rate, she's not gonna end up at Harvard, she's gonna end up at the Harvard Beauty School and Council Bluffs, just like Miss Claire, right?
4:36
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
4:36
SPEAKER_02: So I said nothing wrong with that.
4:38
SPEAKER_02: No, no, no, nothing wrong with that.
4:40
SPEAKER_02: I said, Look, I know you're trying to make money, and it's a really good cause.
4:43
SPEAKER_02: I'm really proud of you.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: You want to go to Harvard.
4:45
SPEAKER_02: That's that's that's great.
4:47
SPEAKER_02: But you have to charge what people are willing to pay.
4:50
SPEAKER_02: You know, no one's gonna pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade.
4:53
SPEAKER_02: What do you think is a fair price?
4:55
SPEAKER_02: Maybe 50 cents?
4:57
SPEAKER_02: Becky understood what I was saying, but she just shook her head and she repaid 50 bucks, Mr.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: Steve, so I can go to Harvard.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: So speaking of Harvard, I said to go all Harvard Business Well case study on her, you know, hoping to teach a you know, a lesson, a valuable lesson that she could carry on in in future business, future life.
5:15
SPEAKER_02: I was going, you know what, Becky, I'm gonna pass.
5:18
SPEAKER_02: You see, the whole point of selling lemonade is you want to make a profit, right?
5:23
SPEAKER_02: That's the whole point of selling anything is you want to make you want to make a profit, right?
5:27
SPEAKER_02: You can't make a profit if nobody buys your stuff.
5:30
SPEAKER_02: And nobody's gonna buy your stuff if you can't afford it, if they don't want to pay your price.
5:36
SPEAKER_02: So you know, how's that gonna work?
5:38
SPEAKER_02: I mean, do you have anything else for sale?
5:40
SPEAKER_02: Becky said, homemade brownies, 10 cents a piece, Mr.
5:43
SPEAKER_02: Steve.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: So who knows?
5:45
SPEAKER_01: Maybe she's the economist who's telling our king how great the tariffs are gonna be, but yeah, and you know, it's funny, funny that you bring that up because I used to charge$50 for brownies in college.
5:55
SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, well, and I get that.
5:57
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you could get it, you can probably get a hundred.
6:00
SPEAKER_02: Some of those are pretty good.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes a hundred.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: If it's if it's a big enough brownie, oh yeah, yeah, for sure.
6:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but uh you know, so I said to her, okay, look, each of your little cups probably costs about 10 cents, you know, including the cost of the stand here, right?
6:14
SPEAKER_02: So it probably costs about 10 cents each.
6:16
SPEAKER_02: So I took out a dollar.
6:18
SPEAKER_02: I'll pay you 10 times that much because I want to help you reach your dream.
6:22
SPEAKER_02: I want to help you go to Harvard.
6:23
SPEAKER_02: She was listening, but she shook her head again.
6:25
SPEAKER_02: She said, No thanks, Mr.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: Steve.
6:27
SPEAKER_02: 50 bucks for a cup of lemonade.
6:30
SPEAKER_02: So I said, you know what, Becky, I give up.
6:33
SPEAKER_02: Take this dollar and what the brownies are 10 cents.
6:36
SPEAKER_02: I'll tell you what, I'll I'll buy 10 of your brownies.
6:39
SPEAKER_02: Now I know your brownies for 10 cents, you lose the money on those.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: But I'm not gonna buy those.
6:44
SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna buy a single cup of the overpriced lemonade.
6:47
SPEAKER_02: Hopefully, this will show you how business should work.
6:51
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's a tough way to learn a lesson, but I I guess you gotta learn it, right?
6:54
SPEAKER_02: So Becky says, okay, takes a dollar, gives me 10 brownies, puts them on a plate, a little, you know, one of those wax paper things over it, you know, hands them to me.
7:03
SPEAKER_02: I you know decide I'm a little hungry from the walk.
7:05
SPEAKER_02: I I'm gonna eat one of the brownies right there, right in front of her.
7:08
SPEAKER_02: So I take a bite, and suddenly this horrible taste is streaming through my mouth.
7:14
SPEAKER_02: I think it even spread out over my face and hands, too.
7:17
SPEAKER_02: And Jeff, as you know, I'm someone who used to regularly eat a jack in the box, so I know horrible taste, right?
7:22
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
7:22
SPEAKER_01: This was this was not that there's anything wrong with Jack in the Box.
7:25
SPEAKER_02: Oh, no, no.
7:26
SPEAKER_02: Beautiful place.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, wonderful.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: This is much worse.
7:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh, Becky, Becky, what did you put in those?
7:33
SPEAKER_02: She's all happy and grinning and you know, just a little pleasant little nine-year-old says, Well, it's my special recipe.
7:39
SPEAKER_02: Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust, and goat pellets.
7:44
SPEAKER_02: I start, you know, immediately I start choking uncontrollably.
7:48
SPEAKER_02: I say, I gosh, I it's the worst thing I've ever tasted.
7:51
SPEAKER_02: And I and Jeff, as you know, I've tasted a lot a lot of strange things.
7:54
SPEAKER_02: So the worst taste I've ever tasted ever.
7:58
SPEAKER_02: I gotta get this taste out of my mouth.
7:59
SPEAKER_02: So Becky holds up this jar full of$50 bills and kind of leans her head to the side and says, You want some lemonade?
8:09
SPEAKER_01: Smart.
8:09
SPEAKER_01: She's a smart kid.
8:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
8:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, I could see her getting into a school like Harvard.
8:14
SPEAKER_02: Oh, she she'll be she'll do great at Harvard.
8:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
8:16
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:18
SPEAKER_01: I just don't know if it should be Harvard, you know, with all the bad press and everything that's going on with Harvard and all the other schools.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe she should go to a school that more reflects our country's values.
8:30
SPEAKER_01: Like Council Bluff University.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: You know, it I hear they have a great program and undergraduate program and lemonade marketing.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: So you know, she can she can benefit from that.
8:41
SPEAKER_02: Well, and they're and and they're the sponsors of Council Bluffs After Dark, you know, Council Bluffs University.
8:46
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
8:46
SPEAKER_02: They produce it in their they well, they have like a studio.
8:49
SPEAKER_02: It's some people would call it a restroom, but but I digress.
8:52
SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
8:52
unknown: Yeah.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:53
SPEAKER_01: No, and and I don't know if Becky is Jewish, but if she is, then even another reason why she may want to avoid, you know, one of those Ivy League schools because there's, you know, just a lot of bad stuff going on there.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: I guess, I guess primarily at Harvard and Columbia, but yeah, pretty much everywhere.
9:10
SPEAKER_02: That anti-Semitism that they are promoting is is so terrible.
9:14
SPEAKER_02: I lay it all at the feet of Harvard's president Alan Garber and the Harvard Law School Dean, John Goldberg, and the Dean of Harvard's Kennedy School of Government, Jeremy Weinstein.
9:24
SPEAKER_02: I mean, come on, purveyors of anti-Semitism.
9:27
SPEAKER_02: I I'm just glad that our king is gonna put an end to all this.
9:30
SPEAKER_02: Jeff, we don't usually tackle these kinds of issues on our comedy show.
9:35
SPEAKER_02: We're supposed to be doing funny stuff, right?
9:37
SPEAKER_02: But you know, in this case, I think we should take a look at what's happening.
9:41
SPEAKER_02: I I Jeff, I know you're you're Jewish.
9:43
SPEAKER_02: So what where do you think we should start?
9:45
SPEAKER_02: What do you how how should we how should we deal with this?
9:48
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: You know, I I thought I knew the country, I thought I knew the world, but you know, it kind of reminds me of the tariff situation with Canada.
9:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I thought they were our friends.
9:59
SPEAKER_01: I thought they were these warm and fuzzy people and fun to hang out with, and I was wrong, you know, they're actually the evil ones to the north.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, it sounds like so are these universities, probably just the top universities.
10:12
SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, it's just the ones, just the ones that have smart people that got better grades than our king.
10:18
SPEAKER_02: Sure.
10:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and you know, they use excuses like oh, 25% of the people who go here are Jewish, you know.
10:26
SPEAKER_01: But but I think I think the truth is it's right in front of us, you know, and and I again I'm completely shocked.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: I know that a lot of my friends, my Jewish friends, ended up going to an Ivy League school.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: My mom used to always brag about everybody she knew that went to an Ivy League school, and you know, my relatives went there and they were all so proud of it.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: I guess I never realized that they would literally let a bunch of Jewish kids in just to discriminate against them.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
10:55
SPEAKER_01: I think that's terrible.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: And I and I never I never realized a famous institution like that could be so evil and DEI, you know, dumb educated idiots.
11:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
11:07
SPEAKER_02: They must be because hey, our king said so, right?
11:10
SPEAKER_02: Why would he make that up?
11:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, he no, he said it in and the sacred text, the great sacred text, project 2025.
11:18
SPEAKER_02: And of course, all the toadies in Congress, you know, you know, maybe he should just sign an executive order doing away with Ivy League schools.
11:26
SPEAKER_02: It's just like Canadian oil.
11:27
SPEAKER_02: Who needs it, right?
11:28
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: And if there's one thing that we've learned about our king in the short couple months that he's been ruler again, it's that we don't need a lot of stuff to be great again.
11:37
SPEAKER_01: No, you know, we don't need 401ks or public schools or the federal government or Ukraine or any allies around the world.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: And of course, we don't need any of our individual rights.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: Don't even get me started on these immigrants.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: We certainly don't need them.
11:53
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, basically half the citizens in this country really don't have a place in this country anymore, you know, especially the ones that don't have any money or power.
12:04
SPEAKER_02: You know, that's a good start, but you're you forgot giving up the right to privacy, right to have clean air and water, right to eat food that has actually been inspected and doesn't make you sick, kind of like those brownies, you know, those were not inspected, I guarantee you.
12:19
SPEAKER_02: Right to health care, right to the right to protest.
12:22
SPEAKER_02: It's a lot of stuff we don't need.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you know, and Steve, Steve, you say they're rights, I say they're wrongs.
12:28
SPEAKER_02: Well, there you go.
12:29
SPEAKER_02: I guess giving up all the great American universities probably makes sense too.
12:34
SPEAKER_02: But you know, you know, they're just before before we say goodbye to Harvard and Columbia and whoever else, I understand our king has laid out a plan to help these universities be great again.
12:46
SPEAKER_02: He put out just a list of simple demands, kind of like with Ukraine.
12:50
SPEAKER_02: Surrender and give up your territory and war will be over.
12:54
SPEAKER_02: You know, as simple demand, it is simple, you know.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: Put out some very simple demands.
12:59
SPEAKER_02: And let me tell you, when it comes to education, our king knows simple.
13:02
SPEAKER_02: Oh boy, does he know simple.
13:05
SPEAKER_02: We're lucky to have him.
13:06
SPEAKER_02: You know, how many presidents have we had who actually owned a university?
13:10
SPEAKER_02: None, as far as I know, right?
13:13
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
13:13
SPEAKER_01: And Trump University was one of a kind, and that's because of him.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
13:18
SPEAKER_01: He should get all that credit.
13:20
SPEAKER_01: And I think we should look at this list.
13:22
SPEAKER_01: It's kind of a last chance for them, I would think.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: If anything, our king he loves people and he he loves everybody, so he's giving them one more chance.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: And so maybe we should go through this list and see if there's any way Harvard and Columbia and all these other schools can be saved.
13:39
SPEAKER_02: I certainly hope so.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: It's a list of 11 commandments.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: You see, and it actually is for all the Ivy League schools, not just Harvard.
13:48
SPEAKER_02: I mean, he's kind of using them as a oh, I don't know, what would I call it?
13:51
SPEAKER_02: A whipping boy, an example, kind of like a case study, right?
13:56
SPEAKER_02: Harvard case study.
13:57
SPEAKER_02: Here we go, right?
13:58
SPEAKER_02: 11 commandments.
14:00
SPEAKER_02: You know, I I that just shows what a great man he is.
14:03
SPEAKER_02: You know, he took Moses and went one better.
14:05
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
14:06
SPEAKER_02: Let's take a look at some of these commandments.
14:08
SPEAKER_02: Jeff is a brilliant list, as all his lists are so brilliant.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: And they're and they're all godlike.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's that's the common thread through all of them.
14:16
SPEAKER_01: And you know, even just the thought of him holding up that Bible upside down, you know, while he was ordering the military to uh open fire on our citizens, that was done in the name of God and him, which you know, I guess is kind of the same.
14:31
SPEAKER_02: And see, what so many people don't understand is he was holding that upside down because he was in front of a mirror and he could read it.
14:40
SPEAKER_02: Wait, that would be backwards.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: Wait, uh well, anyway, we'll we'll do that in another show.
14:44
SPEAKER_02: But anyway, let's let's let's take a look at this list here.
14:47
SPEAKER_02: Okay, commandment number one.
14:49
SPEAKER_02: All graduates of Ivy League schools who are determined to be woke, which pretty much everybody, right, will have their degrees revoked immediately.
14:58
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
14:59
SPEAKER_02: Number two, yeah, that's that's a well wait, you know.
15:01
SPEAKER_01: I I think that that sounds a little familiar to me.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm wondering if Bill Maher suggested that to him while you know they were cracking open uh a bucket of KFC at the White House.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: Because it sounds like something Bill Maher, you know, really believes in.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: I know he talks about it all the time, and now he's got a new buddy there, you know, that that sounds Bill Marsh.
15:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or maybe Bill Maher and Steve Bannon talked about it, you know, after the after the show where they they were all buddy buddy on the on the network, you know.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: So could be.
15:31
SPEAKER_02: But so number two, the foreign language department will be limited to teaching English and Russian, and they're actually there's a codicle to this.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: See, that's that's like Harvard Law, right?
15:41
SPEAKER_02: Codicle.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: Ooh.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: It's a little codicle to this.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: Uh, they're gonna change English to American.
15:46
SPEAKER_02: So they're gonna be teaching American and Russian.
15:49
SPEAKER_01: That's great.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: So I I think it's about time.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, oh, absolutely.
15:53
SPEAKER_02: All the sense in the world.
15:54
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: Well, what other languages do you need, right?
15:57
SPEAKER_01: No, nobody else is talking about I would imagine.
15:58
SPEAKER_02: Nobody else will talk to us.
16:00
SPEAKER_01: No, and I bet all the foreign students that come to our country will now be Russian.
16:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I can guarantee they'll be they will all be Russian, yes.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they the other countries they would be a dearth.
16:12
SPEAKER_02: Gosh, you know, Harvard, I'm using such big words.
16:14
SPEAKER_02: It's just it's it's kind of inspiring me, you know, the the Harvard classics.
16:18
SPEAKER_02: Uh, but uh, but I digress.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: Number three, corned beef and pastrami will become permanent staples of any student cafeteria menu.
16:25
SPEAKER_02: Well, I I am behind that in a big way.
16:28
SPEAKER_02: I love corned beef and pastrami.
16:29
SPEAKER_02: I think I like pastrami even a little better.
16:31
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
16:32
SPEAKER_02: I like them both.
16:33
SPEAKER_02: I mean, they're just they're so good.
16:34
SPEAKER_02: Oh man.
16:35
SPEAKER_02: Delicious.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: I'd go eat at Harvard if they had corned beef and pastrami.
16:39
SPEAKER_01: And you know what they say, you know, a way to a Jew's heart is through his stomach.
16:43
SPEAKER_01: So well, there you go.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: I actually when they I mean they, I mean uh our king.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: So then what would be the way to his stomach?
16:49
SPEAKER_02: Wait, but I yeah, we'll we'll work out that's another show.
16:51
unknown: Okay.
16:53
SPEAKER_02: Number four, commandment four.
16:55
SPEAKER_02: Bob Jones University, Fordham University, and Trump University will replace Cornell, Dartmouth, and Brown as new Ivy League schools.
17:05
SPEAKER_02: And you know, it's it's like the Big Ten now has what, 45 schools in it?
17:09
SPEAKER_02: I mean, the Ivy League needs to expand.
17:11
SPEAKER_02: So I think this expansion is good.
17:13
SPEAKER_02: Good for sports, good for everybody, you know?
17:15
SPEAKER_01: And it's good that we're letting Fordham in.
17:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, I mean, that's where where Trump, you know, started his college career.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: I I think that makes a lot of sense.
17:22
SPEAKER_01: And I guess most people probably don't even know Cornell, Dartmouth, and Brown are in the Ivy League.
17:28
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, they're not going to be able to do that.
17:29
SPEAKER_02: Only those who Harvard only those who went to those schools know that they're in the Ivy League.
17:33
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
17:34
SPEAKER_01: But but they are.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, nobody will miss them.
17:37
SPEAKER_02: No, no.
17:38
SPEAKER_02: So number five, all Ivy League schools must make a yearly donation of$100 million to the new Trump Education Charity Foundation that's replacing all the Trump charities that they can't run anymore because they stole from the kids' cancer charity.
17:53
SPEAKER_02: You know, you remember that?
17:55
SPEAKER_02: So there's a whole new charity.
17:57
SPEAKER_02: And they get for that though, it's not strictly a donation, they get a valuable piece of plastic with his picture on it.
18:04
SPEAKER_02: Great, a non-fungible token, which has all kinds of value.
18:09
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: And this is where our king has a heart because what he is saying to schools like Cornell, Dartmouth, and Brown, there's a way back in.
18:21
SPEAKER_01: And that way only costs a hundred million dollars a year.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: A bargain.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: I mean, look at how many billions the endowment funds of these places are.
18:30
SPEAKER_02: A hundred million, hardly anything at all.
18:33
SPEAKER_02: All right, number six.
18:35
SPEAKER_02: Every Ivy League university must give honorary degrees to the January 6th Freedom Fighters, the day of love.
18:43
SPEAKER_02: You know, I'm a little surprised that he didn't say in here that Harvard had to give an honorary PhD to Kid Rock.
18:50
SPEAKER_02: Then he'd be what, Dr.
18:51
SPEAKER_02: Rock, or it would be Dr.
18:53
SPEAKER_02: Kidd.
18:53
SPEAKER_02: I you know, I don't know.
18:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm a little surprised that some of his friends didn't appear here, but you know, hey, I guess they're on their own now, right?
19:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it's a good idea.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: I I I like it.
19:04
SPEAKER_02: So number seven, the history department must teach that King Trump won the 2020 election.
19:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, just speaking the truth.
19:14
SPEAKER_01: That's all he's asking for is just to speak the truth.
19:18
SPEAKER_02: Just like John Lennon.
19:19
SPEAKER_02: All I want is the truth, just give me some truth.
19:21
SPEAKER_02: You know, you remember that song?
19:22
SPEAKER_02: I do, I do, yeah.
19:24
SPEAKER_02: Just like John Lennon, and you know, just another great defender of freedom, John Lennon, you know, and just like our king, great defender of freedom.
19:32
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
19:32
SPEAKER_01: He he certainly is.
19:33
SPEAKER_02: Number eight, use of the phrase climate change will result in immediate expulsion.
19:39
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I think that's the Florida rule.
19:42
SPEAKER_02: I think.
19:42
SPEAKER_01: It's the Florida rule.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: I think it's being replaced by you know an undergraduate program for space laser courses.
19:49
SPEAKER_01: And that again, another shout out to the Jewish kids who just have been treated so poorly.
19:54
SPEAKER_02: Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: They haven't been allowed to control the weather like they were meant to do.
19:59
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
20:00
SPEAKER_02: So number nine, Harvard must change his mascot to the fighting Israelites.
20:05
SPEAKER_02: So what?
20:06
SPEAKER_02: What the Harvard, the Crimson, the Maroons?
20:08
SPEAKER_02: Wait, I mean, come on.
20:11
SPEAKER_02: What is that?
20:12
SPEAKER_02: What is that?
20:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, sounds woke.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: It does.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: Crimson, maroon, those fancy names for red, right?
20:18
SPEAKER_02: You know, come on.
20:20
SPEAKER_02: I mean, really?
20:20
SPEAKER_02: So the fighting Israelites.
20:22
SPEAKER_01: I can't wait till they like have a big football game between the Irish and the Israelites.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: That would be exciting.
20:28
SPEAKER_02: Number 10.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: All classes must begin with a pledge of allegiance to our king.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: Well, that's just good citizenship.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: It's great to be patriotic again.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: Yes, absolutely.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
20:41
SPEAKER_02: Number 11.
20:43
SPEAKER_02: The economics department must teach that the antebellum South created full employment for blacks before the Civil War.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: Oh, there was no unemployment.
20:53
SPEAKER_02: I I you know, yeah.
20:54
SPEAKER_02: Nope.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
20:56
SPEAKER_02: Hmm, okay.
20:57
SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, and look, and look, there's a bonus commandment.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: So there's 12.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: So you know, I think that they need to work on their counting skills, but that you know, maybe they could get somebody from a really good school that could help them with that.
21:11
SPEAKER_02: No, I think they had the Pentagon run these numbers, I think.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: Did they okay problem?
21:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, great.
21:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what is number 12?
21:17
SPEAKER_02: Number 12 is any class teaching about genocide must present both sides.
21:22
SPEAKER_01: That's very long overdue.
21:24
SPEAKER_02: Just seems fair, right?
21:26
SPEAKER_02: Both sides.
21:27
SPEAKER_02: I mean, hey, why not?
21:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what department is that in.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: Is that fiction?
21:33
SPEAKER_01: Fiction history fiction?
21:36
SPEAKER_02: It'd be historical fiction, yeah.
21:37
SPEAKER_02: Would it be historical fiction?
21:39
SPEAKER_02: Historical fiction.
21:40
SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's an amazing list.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's it's long overdue.
21:45
SPEAKER_01: I can definitely tell that this came from our king.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: Again, how nice is it to have a king that is so involved, so immediately, intimately involved in creating and solving big issues like this.
21:59
SPEAKER_01: He's the definition of hands-on, Steve, and I I'm proud of him.
22:03
SPEAKER_02: Well, absolutely.
22:04
SPEAKER_02: And and you know, it's so important that he's pointing out who our enemies are because we don't know who the bad guys are, right?
22:11
SPEAKER_02: I mean, here we thought Harvard, well, Harvard's good, right?
22:14
SPEAKER_02: I mean, they do all this medical research and they got that law school and the school of government, and uh, you know, they seem like a good place, right?
22:21
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I don't know.
22:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but yeah, hey, looks can be deceiving, right?
22:25
SPEAKER_02: It's almost like a Marvel movie, you know?
22:27
SPEAKER_02: It's it's it is our king is almost like a superhero who's finding the villains, like every great Marvel superhero.
22:34
SPEAKER_02: He needs he needs a name.
22:36
SPEAKER_02: I mean, what I don't I don't know what would his name be.
22:38
SPEAKER_01: The only thing I can think of is King Something, King America, King Universe.
22:44
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if America's big enough, but oh no, King Universe, and and then of course his sidekick, Vlad Man.
22:51
SPEAKER_01: I think we can all agree on that.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: He has special powers too.
22:56
SPEAKER_01: He can he can make things disappear.
23:00
SPEAKER_02: Oh, he's made it quite a bit disappear, yeah.
23:02
SPEAKER_01: He certainly has.
23:03
SPEAKER_02: He made trillions disappear, yeah.
23:05
SPEAKER_02: As far as names, I'm thinking I was trying to think of some good names, and all I could come up was was Diaperman, but you know it's a good one.
23:14
SPEAKER_02: Well, we'll probably we'll probably get some better names as we go along.
23:16
SPEAKER_02: But you know, Jeff, we are just about to get kicked out of eccentric Ladyland Studios, and I think that we can really help our king and help make Harvard great again, help make the Ivy League great again by getting them some things that can help them, kind of like I was trying to do with Becky, you know, things that'll help her understand how how business works.
23:36
SPEAKER_02: I think we should give them some things that so they'll understand how this new regime, this new order, is going to work.
23:43
SPEAKER_02: So, Johnny, what do we have for Harvard University?
23:47
SPEAKER_02: Right, Steve.
23:48
SPEAKER_02: Harvard will turn crimson with joy as they pour over their new collection, the complete MAGA library, donated at no cost to anyone, to help the Ivy League get on board with the new regime while it's still their choice.
24:00
SPEAKER_02: This six-page tone, in large type, explores the intellectual depths that the Ivyes will have to plumb.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: A 79 cent value, all theirs from the publishing.
24:10
SPEAKER_02: And to help them act on their new duties, they'll have a dozen cases of the nectar of the wannabe gods, the King's Elixir.
24:18
SPEAKER_02: This patented formula of flak cola and crushed adderall will have the region's up all-night ranting on social media, just like our king.
24:26
SPEAKER_02: A promotional gift from X Marks the Spot Company, formerly known as the United States.
24:31
SPEAKER_02: This has been an authoritarian production in association with silence the media media.
24:35
SPEAKER_02: Read all about Stephen Jeff.
24:38
SPEAKER_02: Stephen Jeff.
24:41
SPEAKER_02: I just don't understand what it's a meaning to be anti-semantic.
24:46
SPEAKER_02: I live in the world of words and their meaning.
24:48
SPEAKER_02: Who could be against knowing what words mean?
24:51
SPEAKER_02: Wait, wait, what?
24:54
SPEAKER_02: But it's not anti semantics?
24:57
SPEAKER_02: What?
24:58
SPEAKER_02: Oh.
24:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's very different.
25:01
SPEAKER_02: Never mind.
25:02
SPEAKER_02: Good night.