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What to Do When You’ve Been Hiding a Struggle From Your Spouse · Daily Devotions for Busy Lives

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  Speak: Melissa Houston paid the bills in her house, so she was
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  the only one who saw the number, and that number kept climbing.
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  It started small, a few online purchases. Then came a family
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  room remodel and a backyard pool. Her husband, Jamie, had a
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  feeling something was off, but he trusted her with the money
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  and didn't push. By the time Melissa let herself look
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  squarely at it, the credit card debt had passed $100, 000. The
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  truth was, the money was only half of The hiding was the other
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  half, and it was the part that was eating at her. We'll come
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  back to what Melissa finally did, but
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  welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger.
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  Here's my own version of this. I'm quick to buy what I want.
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  Once I've decided on something, I'll have ordered it before I've
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  given it much thought. After that, I catch myself managing
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  when Catherine hears about There's no lie in it anywhere. I
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  just wait for a better moment, and sometimes that moment never
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  shows up, and the thing becomes old news on its own. You know,
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  that's a decision that I'm making about what my wife gets
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  to know, and it takes a little upkeep. I've learned to be more
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  upfront about larger purchases, and it's the same move Melissa
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  was making with a lot more zeros on the end of it. Some
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  Christians have been keeping something from their husband or
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  wife, a struggle with spending, a doubt about God that's been
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  growing for a year, maybe. And you've told yourself, you'll
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  tell them when the timing is right. You've been telling
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  yourself that for a while now, and the time never does get
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  right. Here's what I want you to see about what happens when we
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  hide something. Because people often underestimate it. It takes
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  work to maintain. You steer conversations away from a
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  subject, and you decide what to leave out of an answer that was
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  otherwise true, all the while you're keeping a running account
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  in your head of what your spouse knows. That upkeep is doing
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  damage every day, and it's probably doing more of it than
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  the thing you're hiding ever would. You promised to be known
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  by this person. The secret puts you in a marriage where one of
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  you is being managed. Solomon had a line for this. It's in
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  Proverbs 28, 13. People who conceal their sins will not
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  prosper, but if they confess them and turn from them, they
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  will receive mercy. Start with the word conceal, because in the
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  Hebrew, it's the ordinary word for cover. Put a lid on it.
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  There's nothing dramatic in the word, which fits pretty well,
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  because most of our hiding is undramatic. It's a hundred small
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  coverings. Then look at what the proverb says happens to that
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  person. He or she will not prosper. That Hebrew word means
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  to advance or get somewhere. Solomon doesn't say the
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  concealer is a monster necessarily. He says the man is
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  stalled. He isn't going anywhere, and neither is anything he's
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  part of. Maybe you need to hear this if your marriage has felt
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  stuck and you can't figure out why. Now, here's the part I
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  don't want you to miss, and it's the reason I'd read this verse
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  before you have the conversation. Look at how many verbs are in
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  the second half. If they confess and turn from them. That's two
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  verbs, and Solomon attaches the mercy to both of them together.
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  So the conversation isn't the whole assignment. Confession
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  without turning is a man telling his wife the truth about
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  something he intends to keep doing, and the proverb doesn't
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  promise him anything. If the struggle is spending, the
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  turning looks like handing over the account access. If it's
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  doubt, the turning may look like getting in front of somebody who
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  can help you work through it. One more thing about the word
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  confess. In the Hebrew, it's the same root as the word for praise.
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  Both of them are agreeing with something that's already true.
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  That's all a confession is. You're not informing God of
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  anything. You're stopping the management of it. So here's what
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  you can do. Pray before you speak. Pray through what you're
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  going to say, word by word, and ask God to go into that room
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  ahead of you. Then tell your husband or wife what you've been
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  keeping from them. The whole thing. In one conversation, not
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  released in installments over a month. And bring what you're
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  turning with you. Come to that conversation with the first step
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  already picked out, because that's what tells your spouse
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  this is a change and not just simply a disclosure. One before
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  give your story. If telling your spouse would put you in danger,
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  talk to a pastor or a licensed counselor first and let them
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  help you plan it. I think that's just wise, and it's what I'd
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  tell you if you were in my office. One day, Melissa stopped
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  hiding and told Jamie the whole number. He hadn't known the size
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  of it. He knew there was something wrong, but he wasn't
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  sure of the big figure. They sat down together, and instead of
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  the marriage ending, they started digging out one payment
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  at a time. The secret ended the day she told him. The trust,
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  though, it took longer. Jamie will tell you he still keeps his
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  guard up a little. Even now, confession didn't erase the
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  damage in a day. What it did was end the hiding, so the two of
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  them could face the full Side-by-side instead of alone in
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  the dark. That's the trade. You give up being the only one who
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  knows, and you get somebody looking at the same number
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  you've been looking at by yourself. Here's today's
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  challenge. Write down the thing you've been keeping. Then, write
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  the first step of the turning next to it. Then, pick the day.
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  This week, with a day and a time on it, because a secret with no
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  deadline will probably outlive your good intentions every time.
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  Ask God for mercy, which is the thing Solomon says is waiting on
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  the other side of both verbs. Father, you told us through
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  Solomon that covering something up keeps a person from getting
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  anywhere, and that mercy meets the one who tells the truth and
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  turns. Thank you that you already know what we've been
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  managing or hiding. For everybody listening who's been
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  waiting for the right time, give them a day this week and the
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  words to say. Go into that place ahead of them. In Jesus' name,
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  amen. If this episode encouraged you today, would you share it
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  with someone who might need to hear it? Just go to
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  dailydevotionsforbusylives.com 355 and copy the link. It only
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  takes a second, and it might make a difference in someone's
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  day. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.
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  Remember, Solomon put two verbs in that promise. Tell them, and
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  turn. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you
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  live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a
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  great day.