Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE: You Corrected Him Until He Quit | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep491

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WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE: You Corrected Him Until He Quit | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep491 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Weaponized incompetence, lack of commitment in marriage.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can you outgrow a soulmate?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Rebound relationships, healing, or escaping.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The value in solitude and growth.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Our big fuck up.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: When kids replace your spouse.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Weaponized incompetence.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I'm just going down a bit of a trail with the stupid shit on Reddit.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I can't You know who does this?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Our five-year-old boy.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Weaponized incompetence.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh he oh yeah.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's bring that up today.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're doing it, you're acting like a five-year-old.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, the the whole thought of this is like just tell me what to do.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is this millions and millions of people talking about husbands who are like, I don't know how to do it.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do it your way.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not good enough.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or here's the real theme of this one, which was um, how did you put it?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh, oh, I don't actually care about the mess.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So just tell me what you need done, and then that's the thing that I'll do.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: What in the actual fuck?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna have two very different perspectives on this.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here here's the thing like you have to, I think, be an adult, and then I think you have to know uh who you're adult and with, okay?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just maybe what you're thinking of with perspectives.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe like I had yeah, I used to be a super, super clean, tidy apologize, there's a bowl on the counter, my house is such a mess, kind of guy.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then I married the most beautiful woman on the planet, and uh it's a little bit different now.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: Also, life is just well we we reproduced three of me, yeah.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Also, well, and so it's not just my mess.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: I actually like things tidy, but we I had three little mini-bees.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and the thing is, there's also like a certain level of follow the leader, not just apple and tree.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me explain.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, and you you you're not bad at this at all, but for a long time, what Catherine would do is like she'd pull up the vehicle.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, she'd be getting into the vehicle, and she'd be like, This is a really good time before we leave.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want my vehicle to have garbage on the floor.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I'll quickly do is grab that garbage and I'll just put it on the ground next to where I parked.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll pick it up later.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Get it later.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: But typically there was no.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's no later.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, the kids, yes, maybe it's apple and tree and a little genetics and whatever, but the kids actually follow the leader.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: The kids actually just follow the leader.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I can't Why is there a pile of trash next to the Land Rover?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: How did it get there?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And like this morning, this morning there was there was uh you're you're like telling the kids, remember, I want you guys to get rid of all the garbage that you left on the counter and everything like the first of all, why is that on a counter?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the leader, mama here, um, she'll have her sushi, for example, in a container.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: It could just stay right there.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Not usually.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: No, that's not true.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I mostly I put my stuff away.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: They don't, but I'm sure they do get it from me.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not saying you're wrong.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not saying that you're wrong there.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not the best at it, but I'm also the only one who does it.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here's where I want to go with that.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when we talk about weaponizing incompetence, it's like a direct choice to be stupid and say, I don't know what to do.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, like for example, in my program, I would often teach a man, hey, listen, I realize that there's more than one way to load a dishwasher, but if like that's how she prefers it, then do you actually care?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is that the hill to die on, right?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're literally like, I can never do the dishwasher right, and so I don't do it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: See, this is where my perspective is gonna be different.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, go ahead.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like if your husband tries to do the dishwasher and he does a terrible job, which he's going to, and then you get mad at him for doing exactly what you asked him to do, he just did it wrong, of course he's not gonna want to do it.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the same with if you are if you are the one who does it all.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: So let's say there's a lot of women who do the laundry, they do the tidying, they do like we hire someone to do that because I'm terrible at it, as my husband has pointed out, okay?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: But if I had to do it, I would, but I don't have to do it, thank God.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm terrible at it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: But if you have done it this whole time, or if you've hired somebody to do it, and then you expect your husband to all of a sudden be a partner when it's never been a partnership, that is unfair for your husband.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: Well, so I talk to women, I talk to women all the time, and they're like, I want my husband to be a partner, but for 20 years, 10 years, even five years, they didn't actually express or enforce any of this.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: And I say enforce loosely because you're not going to enforce your husband to do something.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: And then and your husband might not care.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's like Cass used to be really, really tidy because he cared about that level of tidiness.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: I do care about tidiness, but that is not first on my priority list, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like sometimes the there's trash on the counter because I'm sitting and watching a movie cuddling with my kids or we're doing something different, and it's groundhog day at our house.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's you guys all know this.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's like you pick something up and like it just appears there again within five minutes.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: And so there's weaponized incompetence.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's like this big thing right now.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: Women are saying that their husbands are weaponizing it.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: No, the reason is because you've the consequence of them doing it wrong makes them not want to do it at all.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: I don't blame them.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I I don't particularly like it when people do it a different way.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: If it's the dishwasher, but you know what?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: What did I just say?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not the one doing it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: So can I get really, can I get upset with somebody that does it in a sometimes?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: I look at what the lady that works for us, I'll look at the way that she did something, and I'm just like, what would make her do it that way?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I say nothing.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because either I need to teach her to do it my way, or I need to accept that she does it her way, and we all live happily ever after.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is the point.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you guys, the the hill to die on here.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because this weaponized incompetence can be transferred over to many other things, right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about like the yelling didn't just get as bad as it is, unless you were like me.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: But like it, well, even that's but then it's I still enabled it, otherwise you would never have gotten it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It got worse and worse and worse and worse, right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like the affairs typically don't happen until much later.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Statistically, by the way, affairs are climbing.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um but like That sucks.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it does.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh all of these things were enabled.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have a guy right now that I'm helping.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't talk about this, but I said to my husband the other day, I was like, You are gonna be really sorry and owe me an apology for what you did in my dream last night.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do you guys ever see that on Instagram where the man gets on and he's like, I'm so sorry for kissing that other woman in my wife's dream.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: I want to make a public apology.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I made a joke about it because I had a dream that he was about to have an affair.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: I ended our marriage.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, sorry, that was just a nightmare.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was a nightmare, yes.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: So but anyway, affairs are rising.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have a guy right now who like the poly community is very big in a lot of places.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: And like that's like the swinging?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: The swinging community, yeah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, I have a guy right now, his wife is so upset, done, dun, done, making that sure that divorce happens and everything.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was their joint decision to bring swinging in.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Did he break some rules and make it more serious with somebody?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: But how in the fuck can you hold him so with so much contempt?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's weaponizing a choice that you decided you made together, and whether, whether or not you knew it, that's why we speak so against the swinging community.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, of course, obviously, vows, commitment, and what you do together is sacred for marriage.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But two, if you haven't understood or paid attention, or unfortunately, this couple did not hear our episodes on our podcast about what happens when other people get involved and feelings.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's like a no fucking brainer, yet you make this decision and now you're gonna weaponize his feelings against him in a choice that you've made.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually the meanest, fucking, coldest bitch on the planet.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't like to say that very often.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but what I mean.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: So easily.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: What I like to say about that is because if you can't take responsibility, like how could you be so angry at him?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: How?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe he had one partner and you had 50.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know the number.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I never asked, I don't care.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But you had multiple people that you slept with, and you what, just because you could hold your feelings back?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I call bullshit.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I bet you what you're doing, and she's probably not even listening to this podcast, but I bet you they're the first people on your fucking list to call because you're hurting so bad right now.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I guarantee fucking to you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's disgusting.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: This weaponizing shit has got to change.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, you're hurting everyone around you by setting this stupid example.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: All of it.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: All of it.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: Whether it's the open marriage like he's talking about, or weaponized incompetence.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: Someone somewhere along the way enabled something and now you're upset because there's a behavior that you don't like when you were part of the decision or part of the problem.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and just so you know, let's let's just remind you for the one those of you who are like, yeah, my husband's never been a partner, what she's saying is if you said, I'm gonna take care of the home or the kids while you go to work, that's when it started.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: That same post is talking about a man who tried taking care of the baby two nights out of the week in and and helping her with the with the with the work with the baby in the middle of the night.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then he said, Well, you're gonna have to do this easier for me and like bottle, we have to bottle feed or whatever.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't even understand what that even fucking means, because you could put breast milk in there, but regardless, he's he's probably getting up and going to work in the morning.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's why Catherine was always like, No, baby, I'll handle it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you did get help sometimes, but lots of times you're like, No, I gotta do it, yeah, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what regardless, that's a decision.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you start fucking with the decisions, and then you blame your partner and this contempt and negative sentiment override.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just it's ridiculous.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't even fathom how annoyed I am trying to help this man who also made the decision, but is losing everything like in a blink of an eye, which is what we're gonna talk about.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: She decided the decision that she made had to be only done her way.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's fucking brain dead, man.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so, anyways, we're gonna talk more about that with a different kind of topic on the next episode.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll hold on.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: I just I think that the audience would like to hear this.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: So, what when you start when you try to do something around the house, what what is my normal reaction?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think a little bit of surprise.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: Well, like what do I tell you?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and something else.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, something usually about well, you're gonna we're gonna have a lot of fun.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yes, but like I normally he's not he's not getting it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: But yes, I I definitely thank him, and then I am surprised because he doesn't normally do it, but then usually I'm like, no, no, baby, like you don't have to do that.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Like, go do it and I'll and I'll just take it because if he does it, it usually means, oh, I probably should be doing a little bit more of this, because now my husband's doing it, so maybe there's too many things on the counter, maybe there's too many things on the floor, because now my husband's actually stepping in and doing it.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I get him to not do it because I I have been doing it all along.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: And also remember when your husband, husband, and this is where I think it's gonna be really important for you guys to all recognize this when your husband steps in and does something because he's trying to help or because you're doing a shitty job, you can tell him to not do it if he does a bad job of it.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: Now, my husband doesn't do a bad job, but if he comes in and does it differently than I do, and then I have to come in and do it on top of that, you're right.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: And then you're gonna but then here's the difference between me and you.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: I just tell him to not do it, where you guys are saying, Oh, he comes in, he does it, he does it wrong, just so I have to do it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: No, he actually just does it differently than you do, and he's not doing it the way that you want, and you bitch and complain at him instead.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe just sit back and be like, you know what, he's doing something because I usually do it, and I I didn't maybe do it this time.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna tell him not to do it, I'm gonna do it myself, and I'm not gonna bitch and complain.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Think about that.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and also you're often going to have um some version that you do wrong as well.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like let's just do it.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's perspective, it's perspective.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, all right, guys.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we've put some really cool stuff on our app, um, some searches, so you can search the podcast very easily.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You could say, This is the topic that I want.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can enter in a question, it's already sorted into categories, so you can find the episodes that you want pertaining to what you want.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, there's other really cool stuff as well.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: But uh the app is at go.moralmarriage.com, join the men or women's community, and it's free.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then check out some of these cool resources.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we'll see you guys.