Latest / The Parenting Podcast / What to Do When They Rebel and are Still at Home (Pt. 1) | Ep. 64

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What to Do When They Rebel and are Still at Home (Pt. 1) | Ep. 64 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:32
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 1:33
  Christie: You guys, I had the funniest.
• 1:34
  Christie: Conversation with one of my girls the other night, she came over for dinner, she's 20 and she was telling us she and her roommate for whatever reason needed to use a landline phone and they were plugging it in and they couldn't figure out why they could not get it to work.
• 1:52
  Christie: she said, because.
• 1:52
  Christie: You know, we thought it worked off Bluetooth.
• 1:56
  Christie: wait, what?
• 1:57
  Christie: They didn't know a landline.
• 1:59
  Christie: neither of them ever remember having a landline.
• 2:01
  Christie: So they had an actual phone, so they had an actual phone and they're trying to plug it into their new house Uhhuh.
• 2:07
  Christie: And, and, and I still don't know why they got something to do with one of the girls' jobs, but they, they said, we thought it ran off Bluetooth.
• 2:14
  Christie: And I said, no, you have.
• 2:16
  Christie: Get service for the house to use.
• 2:19
  Christie: So that started this funny conversation on all technology.
• 2:22
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 2:22
  Christie: Explaining to her pagers and bag phones, you know, all the things that we've been through and she's like, wait, now, what, what does, how does a pager work?
• 2:30
  Christie: Why would you couldn't put words?
• 2:32
  Christie: I'm like, well, not at the beginning.
• 2:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:34
  Christie: Just so funny.
• 2:35
  Christie: The different sales and generation text machine.
• 2:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:38
  Danae: Maybe they need to watch, you know, different movies along the,
• 2:41
  Christie: educate them in the woes of our generation.
• 2:45
  Christie: That's what I'll do
• 2:45
  Ellen: with my grandkids.
• 2:46
  Ellen: If they don't know something, then I'll go get a picture of it off the internet.
• 2:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and then they're like, oh yeah.
• 2:51
  Christie: So do a phone.
• 2:52
  Christie: You carried that whole bag of a phone around in your
• 2:55
  Cheryl: car.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: And then it goes back to CB radios, right?
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: We talked about that too.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Hey, Hey, good buddy.
• 3:01
  Danae: Oh, no, no.
• 3:01
  Danae: My handle was little white kitten
• 3:05
  Ellen: with laughter
• 3:08
  Danae: my brother was rolling into CB radios.
• 3:12
  Danae: And so when we would travel we'd we had two cars, then we'd have the, the CB radios or we would talk to the truckers and it was fun.
• 3:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:22
  Christie: My husband had one.
• 3:22
  Christie: Those when we were dating,
• 3:24
  Cheryl: what are the things.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: They had the huge antenna on top of their house.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: Oh, I think hand radio,
• 3:30
  Danae: that's it?
• 3:30
  Danae: Oh, that's what he had.
• 3:31
  Danae: He had a ham radio was a teenager and I was so fascinated.
• 3:36
  Danae: Things changed.
• 3:37
  Danae: Yes they do.
• 3:38
  Ellen: But isn't it funny?
• 3:39
  Ellen: We still wanna communi.
• 3:41
  Ellen: Right.
• 3:41
  Ellen: They still think it's really fun if we get a call or my favorite thing was always to ease, drop, you know, when you had landlines.
• 3:50
  Ellen: Oh, uh, and you'd have a party line.
• 3:52
  Ellen: Yes.
• 3:52
  Ellen: So if you picked it up really slowly, so they didn't, you could listen
• 3:57
  Danae: got into some trouble that way I did.
• 4:00
  Danae: Yes.
• 4:01
  Danae: Heard things I shouldn't have heard.
• 4:02
  Danae: Right.
• 4:06
  Christie: you know, well, one thing that doesn't change is that teenagers are hard oh yeah.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: Yeah, I can remember my dad saying, Hey, could you get off in case someone wants to call?
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: You know, because it was all about me.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Of course.
• 4:22
  Ellen: and in those days there was no, um, answer machines.
• 4:25
  Ellen: No.
• 4:25
  Ellen: So nobody could leave a message.
• 4:26
  Danae: So we now have given your children an education about phones if your children are listening yeah.
• 4:32
  Danae: Days of the
• 4:33
  Ellen: dinosaurs,
• 4:34
  Christie: right?
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: So back to a more serious topic.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm is we've been talking over several different episodes about our family reality and developing our.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Um, family values and then the struggle that that is and laying the groundwork.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: And, I had some people contact us to say, this is really good.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: And in fact, one mom She's in a hard season just said, I.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: Am so thankful for reminding me about showing respect and making the relationship.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: Even when it's really hard.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm when they're pushing back on those values.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Yeah.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: And I loved She said, this brought me such freedom.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: I was, oh, wow.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: The heavy weight that we carry, because we love our children.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and when there's that struggle and so.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: Previously, when we talked about it, we were more kind of philosophical mm-hmm about, um, preferences versus values and all of that.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: And some people have asked us and come let's come back to it.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Maybe a little more practical.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: So not are grown children, but let's say children in her home and when they choose.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: To walk into something that is against a core value or a family practice mm-hmm or what we expected of them.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so let's look at that.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: Let's break that up.
• 6:00
  Cheryl: Let's talk about it and then come more practically, like when it happens, what, what would we recommend doing
• 6:07
  Christie: mm-hmm yeah, I think one of the biggest things to determine from the front is.
• 6:14
  Christie: Which issues are we going to address?
• 6:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm you know, Danae gave us that great illustration of the bullseye.
• 6:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:21
  Christie: Mm-hmm and what things go in that bullseye category that we need to confront our kids on or talk about?
• 6:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: How about if we choose something, cuz there's an entire smorgasboard of what we could talk about.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm from really serious to less let's just choose an example how about if we just start that you find out.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: That your, teenager, someone that's still in your home under 18 mm-hmm mm-hmm is smoking marijuana.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 6:49
  Christie: Well, I think the first thing, whether it be this drug usage or any myriad of things, don't be surprised when your teen is doing something, opposing your values.
• 7:01
  Christie: It's good.
• 7:02
  Christie: We shouldn't be surprised or taken aback that this here we are, that our teens are becoming independent.
• 7:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:08
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:09
  Danae: There's a lot of pressure around them.
• 7:11
  Danae: Mm-hmm they're influenced by, by so many areas.
• 7:14
  Danae: Yeah, I think you're right.
• 7:15
  Danae: Christy.
• 7:16
  Danae: I think.
• 7:17
  Danae: Let's not be surprised that we're, we're gonna run into at least one, if not many situations where our values are challenged.
• 7:26
  Danae: Right.
• 7:27
  Ellen: Or they're just looked at differently.
• 7:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:29
  Ellen: Not necessarily just challenged, but our team is looking at it from a different perspective.
• 7:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:34
  Ellen: And those are sometimes hard too, you know, that we have to be enough in their world that we understand how they're seeing this.
• 7:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Y'all are so wise because I'm gonna just keep saying.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: I haven't handled this as well as what you're describing.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because one of the things I thought.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: And I will say the input in teaching that I had and the community surrounding me, kind of said, you set it up, you teach it, you love them.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: Then if they do push back that, then you have the conversations and you just give them more information and it's gonna get fixed.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah, everything was pretty black and white, very black and white mm-hmm and I'd heard someone saying, I go so wise, I wish I'd remembered this.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: that if information were the fix, there would be no smokers on the Facebook, right?
• 8:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: Cause there's no more information that could ever come out about smoking cigarettes.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: So information is no fix.
• 8:32
  Cheryl: So I just wanna say from the beginning, this is great.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: What y'all are just saying mm-hmm but just this don't freak out.
• 8:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Expect it.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: And I kind of didn't mm-hmm I thought by laying the groundwork by loving my children, by being honest and genuine.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: There be a certain result.
• 8:52
  Cheryl: There would be a certain result.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm
• 8:54
  Ellen: yeah, because they're people.
• 8:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:56
  Ellen: And we're we never do what we're, you know, results.
• 8:59
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:59
  Ellen: That's why it's so hard to take surveys or anything.
• 9:02
  Ellen: Cuz there's so many variables how everybody responds and I know, um, I parented our five kids differently.
• 9:11
  Ellen: The two.
• 9:11
  Ellen: three, maybe the three older ones were different than the last two.
• 9:16
  Ellen: The middle child kind of got a blend mm-hmm because, you know, you learn some things.
• 9:21
  Ellen: Um, having teenagers.
• 9:23
  Ellen: The first round go through, and then you realize, oh man, I did all that wrong.
• 9:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and much apologies to my older children over the years.
• 9:31
  Ellen: And then with your younger kids, you had a little bit different perspective and wisdom and, uh, maybe some understanding doesn't mean I did it perfectly, but I just had a really different perspective on what was important.
• 9:43
  Ellen: I didn't change my values, but how I presented my values.
• 9:49
  Ellen: And how I interacted with the younger children was very different than mm-hmm.
• 9:54
  Ellen: my older ones, where it was just black and white.
• 9:56
  Ellen: Okay.
• 9:56
  Ellen: That's the rule.
• 9:58
  Ellen: You broke the rule, you know, you shouldn't have done that.
• 10:00
  Ellen: Well,
• 10:01
  Christie: Our kids are different too.
• 10:03
  Christie: Mm-hmm their personalities come into play and the way they choose to push back on things or their yeah.
• 10:09
  Christie: Their temptations or, yeah.
• 10:11
  Christie: Um, whether they're more naturally a rule follower.
• 10:16
  Ellen: That's true.
• 10:17
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:18
  Danae: So back to the advice of don't freak out mm-hmm what do we think that means
• 10:25
  Christie: well, my first prayer is Lord, make my face as my brain or
• 10:30
  Danae: not.
• 10:31
  Danae: Right.
• 10:32
  Christie: That's true.
• 10:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Cheryl: Well, but I like what we've said before that we respond rather than react mm-hmm And so for me to do that, I would have to have had the mindset you already said.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: That I I'm already ready for the situation.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm instead of being, uh, front-ended on it.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: So that I don't react mm-hmm so that my face and my body language mm-hmm are saying something different than my emotions or I'm prepared for it.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I just, and I'm just even talking about something about.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: Yeah, that I expected my children, to be honest with me.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because I was so honest with them.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: So I was just naive about it.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and swallowed the lie, you know, good parenting him, good kids out mm-hmm yeah.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: So I'm even just talking about something as mild as lying.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: And so I, you know, in the conversation.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: To say, well, you know, so why would you lie?
• 11:28
  Cheryl: I don't understand it.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: I've been honest with you.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: All of that.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm one of the answers was, well, mom, I just didn't want to disappoint you.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: You know, so.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: Not freaking out means being prepared.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm for more than Woohoo.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: I want to do everything you say.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:50
  Danae: Mommy's hard conversations.
• 11:52
  Danae: What you're saying, be prepared for hard conversations
• 11:54
  Cheryl: and individuals being real people.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Not results of good parenting.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: And I think
• 12:00
  Christie: that's important too, that.
• 12:01
  Christie: They're being real people.
• 12:02
  Christie: We're not being cynical or pessimistic about teenagers.
• 12:05
  Christie: No.
• 12:05
  Christie: And saying, oh, you know, they're always up to no good.
• 12:08
  Christie: Mm-hmm we're just saying they're human Yeah.
• 12:10
  Christie: Like we
• 12:11
  Cheryl: are.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: And we said it before, this is the releasing mm-hmm, becoming a human being process.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm just.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: The lie I swallowed is it would be easier yeah, but it would kind of unroll real naturally.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: As long as
• 12:28
  Danae: you were doing everything.
• 12:29
  Danae: Oh, doing
• 12:29
  Ellen: everything right.
• 12:31
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:31
  Ellen: And our teens have such big choices and they have just so much out there.
• 12:36
  Ellen: I mean, every generation, I think it's a little harder, cause they're just.
• 12:39
  Ellen: So many more choices, more negative things available.
• 12:44
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, temptations mm-hmm, just the cell phone alone with all the communication mm-hmm and all the things you can get over just as silly little cell phone.
• 12:53
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:54
  Cheryl: You know, I wish I had handled it.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: What y'all are talking about everything and what you just said.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: I would want to walk in the grace of compassion.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, the compassion for everything they're being bombarded with and the confusion.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: And they're trying to figure out who they are and they have all this peer pressure and then everything.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: I would have compassion mm-hmm for one of you.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: I would want to love them.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: To have the grace of compassion with our kids.
• 13:21
  Ellen: Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:21
  Danae: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 13:22
  Danae: So really is to, to say to them, help me understand this instead of why did
• 13:27
  Christie: you do that?
• 13:28
  Christie: How could you do this to me?
• 13:29
  Christie: You know?
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:30
  Danae: Wow.
• 13:30
  Danae: There's that right.
• 13:32
  Danae: But I think, help me understand what's going on in, in your world.
• 13:36
  Danae: A, you just said that.
• 13:37
  Danae: Yeah,
• 13:37
  Cheryl: that's really good.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: I think so that y'all would say maybe the next step then would be.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: The conversation.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: What would that conversation look like?
• 13:45
  Cheryl: Like when you started there, what else?
• 13:47
  Christie: Yeah, I think just like you said, listening, mm-hmm, listen to their heart, listen to their circumstance, you know, will tell me more about what you.
• 13:56
  Christie: See in that choice.
• 13:57
  Christie: Did, how do you feel about after the fact, you know what, just talking to them.
• 14:01
  Christie: Mm-hmm mm-hmm and hearing their perspective, but I think
• 14:03
  Ellen: the very first step is to go in every conversation really with everybody.
• 14:08
  Ellen: But particularly your teens is you get in the mindset.
• 14:11
  Ellen: I'm not gonna take this personally.
• 14:13
  Christie: have we said that before, even if it feels really
• 14:16
  Ellen: personal, even if it is really personal, I am going to be the adult.
• 14:21
  Ellen: And not let their dig or their unkind comment or their direct mm-hmm you know, I'm just gonna not do what my mom says or disrespect what she believes not to take it personally.
• 14:34
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, because then that allows some space.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Well, and I would say, cuz we're use, I'm using me as the fall guy.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: That was the big problem.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm is I took it so personally mm-hmm between the two of us.
• 14:48
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 14:48
  Cheryl: not, you're an individual becoming and making your decisions.
• 14:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: You know?
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:54
  Christie: Well, and the truth is mom was probably the last thing they were thinking of when yeah.
• 14:59
  Danae: Until they get caught, right?
• 15:01
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Danae: Yes.
• 15:02
  Danae: Getting caught.
• 15:04
  Danae: I'm thinking, um, if we're, we're using this example of smoking marijuana, that also.
• 15:11
  Danae: Could be a very complex issue because, you know, on one hand, what we would prefer is for them to come.
• 15:20
  Danae: Mom, dad, I need to talk to you about something, but in reality it probably is that they got caught.
• 15:27
  Danae: Right?
• 15:28
  Danae: So now we're dealing with lying or dishonesty.
• 15:33
  Danae: How could you do that?
• 15:34
  Danae: Mm-hmm and so kind of headed back a couple points ago, don't freak out.
• 15:38
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, a lot of emotions.
• 15:40
  Danae: If that, if I am in this situation, I'm, I'm probably feeling a lot of emotions all at once.
• 15:45
  Danae: Mm-hmm and I am needing.
• 15:47
  Danae: To take a break.
• 15:48
  Danae: Ellen will say often go to your room, mom, go to your room, dad.
• 15:52
  Danae: And I'm thinking I would need to stop.
• 15:54
  Danae: And whether how I communicated that to my child, maybe, Hey, this is a lot of information for me right now.
• 16:00
  Danae: Um, thank you for telling me, or this is a lot of information I just found out.
• 16:05
  Danae: I'm gonna need some time to think about this.
• 16:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm and.
• 16:10
  Danae: To calm down mm-hmm
• 16:11
  Cheryl: you know?
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: And so I'm listening to you thinking, wow.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: That is so person to person.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: To be real, rather than parent to child mm-hmm or that they're the project mm-hmm of my parenting that I do something to them.
• 16:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you were just being so real.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: as a human being.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm with each other.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: I love the groundwork that, that lies.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: I think
• 16:37
  Danae: we do react out of a lot of fear, you know?
• 16:40
  Danae: Um, I think we, we think, okay.
• 16:44
  Danae: Let's say like, if our younger child keeps spilling things like maybe they maybe a little accident prone where our minds go to the future of.
• 16:53
  Danae: They're never gonna be able to get a job because they're gonna be so careless and then they're gonna be poor and live with me forever.
• 16:58
  Danae: Right.
• 16:59
  Danae: you know, we kind of catastrophize the whole thing.
• 17:02
  Danae: And so that brings up a lot of fear and a lot of emotion and, and.
• 17:06
  Danae: Spill all that's onto our kids.
• 17:08
  Danae: So if it's, you know, take it to an even bigger situation.
• 17:12
  Danae: Well, yeah, by
• 17:12
  Ellen: high school, we're talking serious issues.
• 17:14
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 17:15
  Ellen: That have maybe legal consequences, maybe deep emotional damage and consequences or lifelong consequences.
• 17:23
  Danae: Yes.
• 17:24
  Danae: That we still can't.
• 17:25
  Danae: React well, we still shouldn't react in this big reaction when we're finally talking to them.
• 17:32
  Danae: Especially
• 17:33
  Ellen: you smoke marijuana, you're going to prison for life.
• 17:35
  Ellen: Mm-hmm exactly.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I mean, that we had a female professional basketball player that was in jail in Russia.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because She had CBD oil CBD oil in a, a vape yeah.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Uhhuh, which she had a prescription for it.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so it's legal here.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: It wasn't legal there and she's paying huge consequences.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: You know, so we're not saying there aren't consequences to things.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Right?
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:58
  Cheryl: That's some of the emotional fear behind it.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm is the.
• 18:03
  Cheryl: real life consequences.
• 18:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm but I think too, it, it points to the fact that we have to realize our kids aren't in the same culture and environments that we were yes.
• 18:11
  Christie: At their age mm-hmm And so we have to going back to that, listening mm-hmm and asking good questions of where they are at, what their reality is at their
• 18:21
  Cheryl: age.
• 18:22
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:22
  Christie: It's,
• 18:23
  Ellen: it's hard when.
• 18:25
  Ellen: Either you find out or your kid shares with you, something that in your heart you may feel disappointed about.
• 18:32
  Ellen: Cause you didn't want that from them.
• 18:33
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:33
  Ellen: Like, you know, they were, they were, you know, doing marijuana or they tried it or they were doing it for a, a.
• 18:40
  Ellen: On numerous occasions.
• 18:42
  Ellen: That's really hard when we feel disappointed, but we have to get over that cuz we're the adult.
• 18:49
  Ellen: And those are the things that you keep private within yourself.
• 18:52
  Ellen: When you work your own disappointment out, you don't work it towards.
• 18:56
  Ellen: The the kid at the time.
• 18:58
  Ellen: Oh, that might be a discussion down the road.
• 19:01
  Ellen: Mm-hmm as you're working through this multi-layered conversation, but you don't wanna dump that all on them at once.
• 19:08
  Ellen: That might be two weeks down the road and saying, oh, I was really surprised that you know, that you decided to do that at the party.
• 19:16
  Ellen: You know, I didn't think you would do something
• 19:17
  Cheryl: like that.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: So maybe what you're saying.
• 19:21
  Cheryl: A phased response.
• 19:23
  Ellen: Yeah, that's good.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm okay.
• 19:25
  Cheryl: But the first phase is when.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: boom.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Yeah, the emotion of it.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: We're in it.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, we're surprised when you're in the emotions.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: Not when we have the good conversation.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so maybe that's a limited conversation where you're listening.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but not a lot of dialogue.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: That I think come back to a second phase.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm where now we're gonna go in.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: When I have myself under control.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: My emotions mm-hmm and now let's have a good conversation.
• 19:51
  Ellen: It's not a one time.
• 19:52
  Ellen: Let's fix it at this moment.
• 19:54
  Ellen: No, it is an ongoing conversation.
• 19:57
  Ellen: That should be going deep.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 19:59
  Danae: so what I'm not hearing you say is this is a great time to give a lecture, right?
• 20:04
  Christie: you have to tell them the things they already know that you believe.
• 20:08
  Ellen: Is there any time?
• 20:09
  Ellen: Is, is there any time?
• 20:10
  Ellen: That's a good
• 20:11
  Cheryl: time.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: That was gonna be my question.
• 20:13
  Cheryl: Except maybe beginning freshman biology.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: That really was for a lecture lectures, just when this thing should not exist in our parenting.
• 20:24
  Cheryl: Hmm.
• 20:24
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 20:25
  Ellen: It's true.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: So now this is just Cheryl, and as I told you earlier, I was going to have to divide this conversation into two episodes, and so there's not a wrapping up ending here with the team, but this will be our jumping off spot for our next installment.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Remember, parents, especially when it's hard, hang in there.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth.