Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep16: Half-Baked Genius 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep16: Half-Baked Genius 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I should start.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know this is like the worst part.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I mean, cause this room, this this section is looking at me like go.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't ready yet, Shorty.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I just got here.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm in three different clubs because this side don't like the shit that y'all like.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to be like a real comedian.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because no, I watch Netflix and stuff, and everybody like, eh, I'm autistic and gay.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Man, I've been saying that shit for years.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, wrong hole.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: My bad.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I missed your spectrum.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Stop with all the laughter.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad you're back, dog.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was killing.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: This is what comedians do when they're not doing well.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, who's from another country?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: I always say, especially in New York, you go, hey, who's from another country?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And like you could tell, people from all over the world.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And all the people from all over the world speak like six languages and they're trying to figure out me, but it don't come out.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know who always scream, hey, I'm from Canada.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you want to go, shut the fuck up.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: No, really, because when you think another country, you think like a long flight, jet lag, going through customs, what they have to declare this food tastes funny.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with your teeth?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: But this is my bad.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Hurt people, hurt people.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: But Canada, come on, son.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: All you need is like a half a tank of gas and an easy pass.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an international traveler.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Shut the fuck up.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And the first time I went to Canadian rank, it was um I have a speech impediment.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was a school trip.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's where school, school, school trip.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And we went to go see the majestic black falls.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because you have to wear raincoat, it's all noisy, and the T says, and you look to the live boys and girls.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You see the girls.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hold up, bitch.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know we're in up country.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just talk to us like you want to, bitch.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just call it black falls.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Can we laugh at that?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tell.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Man.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And like, you know, I was I was listening to everybody talk about their sex and the way they do their sex and stuff like that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, I could tell all you guys are like in your 20s and 30s, like, ooh.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! I'm like, ah, how good.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: But I do remember how, whoochabah.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, okay, like when I was like 17, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Me and my girlfriend.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, this is my first love.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I remember came in, yeah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Stop.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: They got cats.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I came in late, 11 o'clock on school night, and my older brother, my older brother seven top bump.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: He's a little bit older than me.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was seven, he's like 28.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Listen.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Stop judging people.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: He jumped down up, top bump.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Where you been, motherfucker?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was out.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: He said, used with that little bitch.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: She ain't no bitch, June.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you, man.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was ready to fight.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm gonna take this ass off here.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, yeah.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: You like her, don't you?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: And they want to make it nasty.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: He said, you hit that.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, she not like that.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: He grabbed my fingers and smelled it.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, yes, you did.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna do the Christian show after this.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hallelujah.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And no, he so this is the first like I got my talk from him.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Cause he was like, Yeah.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: He said, uh.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: He said, did you go downtown?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: He did it just like that.
• 4:40
  unknown: Did you go downtown?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Joe, did you go downtown?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, because mommy won't let me use the car because you and your friends.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck is wrong with you, man?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Then he goes, he kept looking like it was a big secret.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Go, did you eat that thing?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: What what the heck?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody might die.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't what?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: He said, did you eat the cherry bar?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: No, Aunt Jeannie brought a pumpkin, uh, uh, uh carrot cake.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: I had some of that, but I didn't.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I said, did you eat her cherry bob?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I know he's trying to tell me something.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: He said, did you eat her pussy?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Are you crazy, Jew?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: He said, no, did you eat her pussy?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, nobody do that.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Where's she pee at?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And he was dead soon, he goes, everybody does it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: He said, you know when mommy be praying real loud at night.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but can she be can she pray for us?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, why can't you get in the door?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: He said, because dad be eating that cherry pie.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Please move out, motherfucker.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: No, and then he's explained to me what cherry pie is, and I'm still kind of thinking, hmm, why they call it cherry pie?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because I love pie.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like pumpkin pie, apple pie, sweet potato pie, peach cobbler.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: Why do they call it cherry pie?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: But you, if you think about it, cherry pie always looks delicious, doesn't it?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: But every once in a while you bite a mmm, that's kind of tart.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: This cherry pie is a lot redder than the other cherry pie.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: But listen, my brother gave me a tutorial to tell me, you know, how to set because obviously he thought me and my girlfriend were having sex or making love.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, we was in the car, we was doing it.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean we pulled pants down, somebody coming.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because we just said, somebody coming.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I said, she said, I didn't pull my pants down yet.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's a nice navel you got there.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Listen.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: This side don't get it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Listen.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: So he gave me a tutorial, right?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Basically, he said, if you do what I tell you to do, she's gonna love you.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: He told me, like, kiss her on the neck, on the ears.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: He said, go down the neck, go back up to the ears.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why'd you do that?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me all this stuff to do, right?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we park, we go to the park at night in the car.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Before, before a minivan's had station wagons.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I forgot how young y'all were.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Listen.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: So we, oh, listen, we're about to get in the back, because we get in the back and pull our pants down.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: But this time, I take all my clothes off.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, ooh, what are you doing?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm going downtown.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: They said, oh, you gonna drive naked?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, so we both get in the back with both naked.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, whoa.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, we I'd suck her titties before, but okay, never at the same time.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: I like sucked down, sucked that.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'd never seen them together.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa, look at them.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: They're twins, but not like uh identical.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm almost finished.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Listen.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: But listen, June, I'm listening, I'm thinking of everything June told me.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Kissing the mouth, kissing the neck, mm-hmm, mmm, go back.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Kiss this city.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing everything June told me to do.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Going down, going down, down.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'd never been there before.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think I missed my stop.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Listen.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's more like chocolate cake.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, who puts corn in there?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I've gone too long.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: They said they were gonna give me a light, but these glasses, these glasses are transvestites.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, they no, they the same, but they change.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: When the light hit them, they anyway, fuck you.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: This show was going so good at first.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a marriage, the wedding was dope.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how long I've been up here.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: But listen, I always say this at the end of my show or seminar.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I really mean it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: God bless each and every one of you.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Tony Woods.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Good night.