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Juan Carlos Cordoba - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

0:02
Comedy Central Podcast Bueno Majos, my name is Juan Carlos Córdoba. And before
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anyone says hi, I have a cousin in Cordoba. I' m sweating.
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I haven' t been in my life in Cordoba. I come from
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here from Madrid, from a neighborhood with a lot of crime. They say
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it' s about the drug issue. It must be true. My neighborhoods
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were once police with drug dogs and they died of overdose. And the dogs
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didn' t because they ran away. There' s a rock that gets
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it houses, you know jo so they got some drugs. I don'
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t want to do demagoguery on this drug issue. No, but even if
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this is a monologue, you have to know that there are good drugs and
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drugs that save lives. They saved my life as a child. The drugs
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were left on a Christmas Eve my grandmother on the open balcony, but because
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of the neighbor' s marijuana plant downstairs. I hit a shit that killed
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me, you know, and my grandmother, my grandson, fell into drugs.
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No, my grandmother' s a gene She doesn' t see the
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good side of things, well, she doesn' t see the good side
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or the bad side. My grandmother is blind, but blind that you shit
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that Papa Monjas left the convent because she said that he didn' t see
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a dick there. I mean, granny, a little blind, a little
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slutty. Grandma, uh, doesn' t blind me to one day go
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into I say Grandma' s kitchen that you' re pieging my pillow what
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she does and she says I already found the croquettes too fat. You know,
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Grandma' s terrible. My grandfather' s worse. I have a
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grandfather who is the typical old grandfather of postwar senior, has no fucking idea
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of new technologies. We recently gave him the iPhone five all afternoon freaking out
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with the iPhone five, I say you' ll see playing the lights,
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because he' s the typical old grandfather of war, very old who sits
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down to eat with you and only tells you three things. Or put in
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a pair of war. You needed it and the coolest I was already working
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at your age, that I' m going to retire at sixty- seven
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years old, I' m going to retire at sixty- seven years old.
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He' s working all the way, me, son, bitch You
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know, this is me at your age I was already working. It'
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s a very funny thing. But it is said of generation and generation when
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you have children, you will tell them, because the grandfather only says to
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the father, the father, the son, the son, the grandson.
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It' s said in the whole family, good less in the royal family.
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Of course, I can' t imagine Juan cart with Philip sitting here
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on his knee telling him. But Philip who was at your age, was
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already working, but not me of fed but what can I do more.
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Gipo, you know, low jo,' cause it' s not bad.
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Grandfather is terrible, but the king is going to the pot, because
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the king is old, not and that grandfather and all the grandparents are valued.
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My grandfather' s out of his mind or so much already. The
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other one' s getting close to him. A little girl with a couch
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from the domun tells her, sir for the kids you' ll say they
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don' t eat. My grandfather says they don' t eat. A
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war. They needed it, I mean look and all for not giving it,
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because my grandfather is very attached. You guys, you guys were little
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kids going to school or, to the list and at recess, you were
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asking for a heis sandwich poop that you put your fingers on like this to
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mark just invented my grandfather. When the sandwich hadn' t been invented.
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Son of a bitch caught. You know, not caught, we recently had
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an accident with the highway car. We took a shit against the median.
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Instead of calling the Samur, he called a stone stand and says I just
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ate a median. You give me another one or what it tastes like.
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But so fatal. My grandfather and grandmother are so terrible, but I love
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them so much. I' ve been growing up with my grandparents my whole
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life. My parents spent a lot of time away from home, depending on
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the sentence the judge put in. Between one and three years I live in
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a neighborhood. Fuckin' my dad, especially my parents. My father was
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a chorizo. My father, the gamblers called him the telecinct twelve times.
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It doesn' t cause cause. You know how well, uh, I
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had to steal a lot from my dad to pay for it. My mother
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' s vice because my mother' s an alcoholic. You know, on
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the old night, my mother was wearing gummelons and putting twelve grapes on her.
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I was stepping on them to make drunk wine. You know, uh,
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looking at how they drink, not looking at it as a baby.
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The fish were singing it to my watchful mother. Hey, for my mom,
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we called it off. They' re melchor gaspari and valantain eye.
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You tell me my grandmother your mother is a piece of bread I say my
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mother is a torreja of wine. One day I' ll go with her
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and buy a bra for her. Tells him the one from the store.
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You want it with a glass and my mother says with a free bar.
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That drunk shit. My mother has come home to me with farts to fuck
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my sister to throw her out the window screaming tea picachu. I choose you
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know Filipino and my grandmother, my granddaughter has fallen into drugs. I do
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now, but it' s so fatal. My parents cheat, my grandparents
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are good, and that' s why I say that my father, who
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had to dedicate himself to stealing to pay for my mother' s bike.
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My father would have liked to devote himself to something else, but well,
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he had to work on Robbery. Then he' s out of politics.
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He started to stick sticks seriously. The one who didn' t get granny,
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uh the one who didn' t get to know my father was my
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sister to the model and we called the model because she was born in that
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prison in Barcelona, because she wasn' t very pretty. My sister,
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my ugly sister, you see her and you say she' s fallen from
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Guernica. The ugly little bitch cabe in my sister' s christening. The
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flipped photographer says I saw her baptised with water, blessed with something boiling.
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Please, the first communion made her alone locked in her room. Holy shit
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went under the door so she wouldn' t see her. The wine was
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drunk by my mother and when the priest came to confirm himself, son confirmed
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you are very ugly. Uh, during my sister' s pregnancy, like
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my parents, they were serving sentences together for my sister' s pregnancy,
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with the little roll that I had to eat for two My mother ate my
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father' s food that she made. My father took advantage and went on
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hunger strike and got what no prisoners on hunger strike in this country, in
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all history. To die is not to laugh laughing, because it was a
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mess or burial a clear shame. My father was this skinny. We dressed
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it in black, it looked like a charcoal. My father was red-
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haired. We dressed him in white, he looked like a mess. That
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' s how hard you know we went to get burned. One comes from
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the Tanatori and says here you can' t smoke that leaf' s pay.
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We had to bury him. I' d say what a shame.
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Now to be ashamed, when my grandfather comes, my grandfather, as he
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didn' t know anything, says he passes it to your father. I
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say he hasn' t eaten for a month and says a month without having
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a war. He needed it, and I say," Look ball"
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I mean, but, Grandpa, he' s dead. And he says
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dead. I was already working. I mean, look, it' s
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terrible. Son of a bitch, she' s, uh, well,
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she' s got to work. Now in my colleague the spoons I'
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ve got a colleague spoon. Okay. It' s like Calle Tano Martínez
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de Irujo, a horse enthusiast. He' s got to work because he
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says he doesn' t have to eat. I mean, it' s
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true, I mean because your mouth looks like a portal with two chairs.
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The little mouse Perez owes him money and I tell you more what the lady
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of the Barrio says, but what happened to your mouth and listen to the
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horse power, ma' am, but you fell handsome and said no that
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I put it in. Everything tells me to fuck Juan Carlos Tronco. You
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remember when I got things in and out of my teeth, because now my
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mules get in between things. You know, he' s gonna throw a
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pig all day. Don' t bump a pig all day with the same
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chandal. My colleague, the colleague, I don' t know what he
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expects from Calón to get a catalogue for Yonkis, he doesn' t have
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to put a price on it. They' re going to steal it and
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I don' t know what Ana Botella, the Mayor of Madrid, is
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waiting for to make the Olympic barracks. They give us the Olympics. You
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know, if everybody' s already out there with a pussy rtera racket,
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what you' re saying is that these people don' t fight for gold.
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I mean, but don' t see how they fight for money.
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Sage no yes, my mother, now where I' d give it the
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gold loaf. I' m sure they' d be Olympic March. They
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' d give it to a Yonkeye. You' ve seen how fast candan
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Yonke with sneakers to walk around the house, you get a ride. Even
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the goat is not followed by the legion that Yonky who gets to give the
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plate to me when the spoons are given me to give the sheet that I
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don' t know anymore because he goes tolba bato zumbao and he starts to
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give me the chaca. When you hear it, Juan Callo Chaval, he
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won' t throw you, you won' t have a cigarette that I
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follow the plea, as my grandfather you know. Yeah, yeah, sure,
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sure, sure, you know, but he keeps throwing your plate and
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he says hey don' t have a cigarette. There' s something soto
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for a fighter. Fuck me, it' s not for me to start
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seeing if I don' t get any of it. This does not see
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nor palpolize these paalÑa nor that I am taking off, since I have
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said but how much it costs you a dose and tells me twenty euros and
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I say and one about two cysti me, but it is very heavy.
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I' m a supporter. I do, supporter. I am in favour
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of giving money to the yonkees because if they don' t park cars they
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have ever parked the car a Yonking that does not turn away the pig,
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that a guy who has not been able to guide himself in life, will
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not know how to guide you to embark, that is the other day.
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The other day I' ll go with my car, I' ll meet
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the spoon, I' ll tell you spoons you' ve got a hole
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out there. He tells me between teeth in which you want champion, I
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mean, but it' s for the car to fool helped me to park.
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I blew up the car that didn' t park the car a Johnkee
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Vale. And this is paranoid. He doesn' t even have to laugh
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at us. But I think the shit that hit the Titanic was pretty much
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like that. Not that rudder was a night there, wal no, my
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captain. I don' t think we can fit around, uh, we
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can' t fit. He went out in Yonky Elicebert. But like I
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don' t end up champ, come on, come on, put him
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in the mirrors Come on, Dale Dale, Dale, I mean, fuck
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the Titanic. You know the desperate captain who told the most whore there'
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s no boats for everyone here. Yes, yes, OK, of course,
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since not that I' m not in favour of it being sought in
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life Okay, because it' s very bad with the crisis and you have
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to look for life as a Scot, we don' t look for it
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How it is with the crisis. Hey, there' s family returning the
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children that Sister Maria stole. There' s the thing even more. But
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the worst thing isn' t that, the worst thing is that the natural
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parents are asking for the ticket, that is to say like he stole,
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because if it' s Jess and Roba and I didn' t have that
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I can' t speak to you to see people don' t take care
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of their children. We' re not going to be able to support our
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children with the crisis, i e, the shoes, it' s all
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gone up with him was the shoes a basic thing. Well, my kids
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have gone back to school Well, back to the barefoot. I don'
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t have Pazapates. In the end, you know what I' ve done.
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As this country of tambourine has not raised anything taxes that have to do
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with bullfighting shows. All my children I' ve bought handmuffs. Everything,
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the little one' s got your shit left. The major says they give
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up in high school. I told you. I mean, you have to
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put up with it. It' s your first year as a teacher.
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That' s where you put up with this or the an and you'
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re going out to protest us on the street because the riot control is coming.
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How are Madrid riot control? Uh, before, you ran into a
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yonkeye. You changed your sidewalk. I' ve come across an anti-
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riot and changed my wax the yonkeye and I say I' ve already passed
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the thing very bad, good, good, good, good as my neighborhood.
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The police don' t go in anymore, because, like, it
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' s such a bad neighborhood. Well, the last time there was a
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chase with the police in my neighborhood I was going on was the police.
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You know yes. In my fucking neighborhood. There' s the party in
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my Alucinas neighborhood, there' s more Johnkey riding on the Witch' s
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train than dodging. You know the pirate ship is a pirate, you'
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re getting on a trip, you' re getting off, a fucking party
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movie. They put a guy alive once. The next day he showed up
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dead. I started smoking joints at the parties in my neighborhood, of course
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because there is a lot of drugs, besides the dumbest way, because I
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was going through the vervain of my neighborhood and I say look, I say
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cotton with sugar, apples with caramario. I mean, you smoke chocolate.
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That looks like a laugh because we got caught by the neighborhood priest smoking joints.
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There my colleagues and we stare at the workman tells me there are smoking
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joints. People who do drugs have no goals, I say goals. I
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' m here to run. Now, Father, he tells me not to
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laugh, because if you smoke a joint, you end up injecting. Heroin,
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I mean father, that' s as exaggerated as saying that if I
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become a nun, I can end up stealing children. You don' t
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tell me that' s impossible for it to happen. I say yes,
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yes, of course, I mean, I can' t believe anything a
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priest tells me, I mean, I read the Bible, Saavis, I
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give him the Bible, I can' t believe anything a priest tells me.
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I' ve read the Bible and freaked out. I mean, I
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mean, the snake jo already dances so the whale Daniel and the lion and
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I say but I' m reading the Bible or picopata hair please, I
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mean, and I' m going to believe that I' m told by
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a guy like that that if I smoke a joint, I can end up
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injecting heroin. I mean, if I smoke a joint, I can end
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up as President of the Government, because they say the joints take your memory
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away. I mean, it must be true, and it' s true
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that the president of this piyfumac, because it' s that it' s
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winning the selection and if you forget everything you promised. No, that'
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s not me when I' m not, when I' m cracked.
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We' re not talking about education today. But when Zapatero was in this
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country and Zapatero was on TV, I was watching the TV and I thought
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he smokes Zapatero, that he rules it, that he rules it, because
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Zapatero had to stick some smoked in the moncloa of the good eh, but
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of the pretty one of the PSSS. Wow how handsome, what handsome?
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C There' s this thing that you brought your pickle s I get my
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eyebrows pointed and everything looks good. Let' s see what we can do
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to get the shrimp in. Today Rubalcava to see a moment what happens I
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will call you Rubalcalva that I am funny. Today Rubalcava, see go here
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one thing will happen look. We' re gonna slow down to a hundred
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and ten in three months. We put it back up to one hundred and
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twenty. We' re not gonna break the dick. That joint thing,
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that joint thing? Don' t imagine, imagine. The next day he
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was blushing to the Moncloa. José Luis you' re going to freak out
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that they haven' t published it in the Official Gazette. Now that you
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and the shoemaker do there stickers. That joint thing, that joint thing?
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How I' m going to want something that a politician tells me let'
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s not even tell me a priest can' t be looked at. Flip.
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On the issue of drugs, the Minister of Justice himself has said that
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drugs are illegal because they destroy homes. And that' s fine with me,
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but I mean pussy, I mean, drugs are illegal because they destroy
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in homes. So I say tobacco, alcohol and gambling, which are the
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foundation of the Spanish family, or what not. Hey. And if we
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already put all three crazy things together, or you put around a table,
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a family smoking, sucking wikis and playing cards, the question is that it
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has broken more home on the drug or the Christmas Eve is no more.
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If that' s the criterion and we legalize everything that can destroy a home,
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everything that can break a home, we' re going to outlaw it
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and we' re going to do it here and now, because we'
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re the sovereign people and we can do it. Okay, let' s
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just take advantage of the fact that this is a fifteen- year- old
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camp. He' ll see his hands raised, as well as the indignant.
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All of them. I see this as an anti- riot. He
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' s got a stick, eh ha ha ha ha. No, but
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we' re going to legalize everything that can break a home in your opinion,
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that has broken more homes, unemployment or drugs answer it and legalize unemployment.
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Here I now vote in favour. We just outlawed unemployment. Which has
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broken more homes, evictions or drugs and legalize the eviction Potos in favor,
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which has broken more homes, labor has a gay marriage or drugs. I
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' ve caught you here, eh, for the Episcopal Conference. Abortion and
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gay marriages have broken more homes than drugs and let' s legalize the Episcopal
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Conference votes in favour. Let' s keep going, let' s keep
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outlawing things. Of course we are going to outlaw everything that can destroy a
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home, hunger, wars, weapons, tobacco, gambling alcohol. My grandfather
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said everything. Everything. My strophagar grandfather is everything. Bullfights. You heard
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right. Bullfights break more homes than drugs. If you don' t believe
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me, ask the cows. But of course no one asks cows because they
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have no feelings. In fact, bullfighting is legal in this country, because
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the bull does not suffer and this you are going to freak out. The
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protaurines hold and I swear to you this is true, that the animal suffers
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more during transport to the square than during the fight. I mean, I
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don' t believe it even if you bring them with Ryaneos. I mean,
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I don' t believe it, I mean I' ll give you
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an example? No, I mean, am I going to give you an
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example? I mean, I live in a country, I live in a
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country where it' s socially better to see a bleeding bull die than to
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smoke a joint, and I' m going to give you this example.
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Difame the bull from the vega. I knew what he said. Not defaming
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the bull can mean a fine of three zero euros, as well as smoking
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a joint on the public road. You know the conclusion that I get from
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this that I travel in torsillas comes out for six thousand bucks seriously And if
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we already difame the bull, we get in nine thousand. You know,
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but we' re going to continue to outlaw things that can destroy a home
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and not leave the horns that have broken more homes, adultery or drugs.
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I understand that you can' t keep your eyes shut, but the rest
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of us, I mean, don' t be hypocrites. I mean,
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you walk into your bedroom, you see a joint in an ashtray to your
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wife, on all fours, and a black guy giving her a shoe from
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behind, and you' re gonna tell me that the first thing that comes
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out of your mouth is a joint. I mean, let' s visualize
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it. If you do me a favor, you can close your eyes that
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situation, close your eyes all right boys, enter your room The lady has
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already imagined the black. Don' t imagine it. Close your eyes,
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imagine that situation, enter in your room and you see a pronunciation of your
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woman on all fours is worth girls, you are the woman, you are
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imagining it, boys you do not think so bad to the drug girls,
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how you are having fun eh anyway, you have felt violent no, anyway,
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you have felt violent no, because of course, how you are going
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to imagine that. How are you going to imagine your wife in four parts,
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the girls are saying. I can' t imagine that. I mean,
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I got my guy next door, lie to him, tell him you
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were thinking about something else. He does it every day, no, but
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we' re going to do it in a neutral environment. This same thing
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we will imagine with third people so that it does not affect us so much,
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that is to close our eyes. We shut it down and now we
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imagine an ordinary guy we don' t know about anything. A very common
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man, José, seems well, I don' t know, enters a
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bedroom and sees his wife on all fours and a black man giving him a
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slipper from behind. You' re imagining it. Yeah, well, now
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you switch to black for a pigeon. It is Frey nine months you call
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him Jesus and we already have Christianity. You don' t think so.
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It' s no more. We already have the Bethlehem seriously, we have
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the bel monta. Because you don' t have to put on or go
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or mule anymore. I' m not going, I' m not going,
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I' m not going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
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going, I' m going, I' m going. You don'
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t have to put up, I don' t have to go, I
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don' t have to go, I don' t have a mule.
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Now it turns out that magician kings are Andalusians, that is, as we
23:36
go on. So it turns out that the child the thefts Sister Mary,
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St Joseph was a travelo and Mary, for Mary must be what the Pope
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smokes to write these things, because if I don' t explain it to
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me you know that, in the end see them a nativity scene is going
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to make a movie of Almodóvar. This man, as he keeps taking things
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away, is not going to be freaking out. Approve the atheists above speaking
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the Bethlehem and we should go and legalize the Christmas Eve just because we don
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' t have to remove the Bethlehem after Christmas. To you it happens what
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to me that the Bethlehem is finished, that is, they took out the
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Christmases and the Bethlehem can stay there. I say on Monday and I don
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' t say on Sunday that they don' t work day that I don
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' t work, they touch me. I don' t take it off
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either. I have the record to remove the Bethlehem. In August. I
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swear to you, I' m going to remove the Bethlehem. There was
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no longer Bethlehem, there was a St Joseph' s snack bar making a
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paya for the Magi. I swear to you, the boy Jesus was already
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walking and everything, uh, if he goes to the La Virgen River,
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don' t get cocky, he cuts off your digestion. St Joseph says
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something to the child and Joseph doesn' t tell the child' s nest
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anything for three reasons. First, I' m not his father. Second,
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nothing will happen to him until he' s thirty- three. And
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third, the river of silver paper takes it to the spoons a while ago.
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I mean, I don' t say anything to the child and we
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should legalize Christmas Eve precisely because I destroy homes. Jesus' first, that
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is, is not his father. Saint Joseph, that is, Jesus was
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born in a broken home. Jesus because he was born twenty centuries ago comes
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out in the Bible and ends up crucified. If Jesus is born, now
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the older brother comes out, bursting a door, but he was born twenty
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centuries ago and ends up crucified. And when he is crucified, he says
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above my God, my God, why have you forsaken me. If I
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am his father, if I am God, I open heaven and tell him
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that Jesus is thirty- three years old. You live with your parents.
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You' re out there all day with the cabbages that why she left you,
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because she was already working, Jesus, because I was still working.
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Thank you very much for seeing if you' d a little bit. Thank
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you very much.