Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #164 The Do's and Don'ts of Discipline

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#164 The Do's and Don'ts of Discipline · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: When I think about my place as a parent and
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Speaker 1: I think about those two words help or hurt, I
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Speaker 1: want to be the helpful parent. I want to be
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Speaker 1: the parent that is able to guide and direct, not hurt.
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Speaker 2: It's a Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent. He Yes Wants Answers.
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Speaker 3: Now, you know, I think that if I was to
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Speaker 3: rate the most often asked question I'm given when it
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Speaker 3: comes to raising kids, discipline would be the number one question.
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Speaker 3: How do I get my kids to do as they're told?
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Speaker 3: How do I get my kids to listen? What I
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Speaker 3: do to my kids when they don't do the right thing.
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Speaker 3: It's just all about discipline. It's the thing that drives
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Speaker 3: parents bonkers.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we're all waiting for that ready made
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Speaker 1: manual that tells us how to.
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Speaker 2: Do it all. It's about kid's perfect.
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Speaker 1: Because every moment is different, right, Every child is different,
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Speaker 1: and the way we deal with each child in different
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Speaker 1: situations is different. It's really challenging.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: In fact, the most watched video that I've ever been
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Speaker 3: involved in was on gold Cast. I think there's been
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Speaker 3: something like seventy eight million people watch the video. And
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Speaker 3: it's really a story about how to discipline a child.
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Speaker 3: That's what everyone loved about it. Everyone wanted to know
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Speaker 3: how to do it, and they liked the compassion that
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Speaker 3: was behind the discipline. Oh by the way, my name
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Speaker 3: is Doc Justin Courson and the author of six books
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Speaker 3: about raising happy Families. I'm here with my wife and
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Speaker 3: co host missus Happy Families, Kylie, mum to our six daughters.
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Speaker 1: Tonight. You're talking about the dos and don'ts of discipline
1:28
Speaker 1: and there is so much in this.
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Speaker 3: So just a quick heads up for people who are
1:32
Speaker 3: not aware of this. Every single month we do a webinar.
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Speaker 3: We charge thirty bucks for the webinar, and we give
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Speaker 3: you the very best, the latest science, the most practical
1:40
Speaker 3: techniques about how you can work with your kids to
1:42
Speaker 3: make your family happier. So obviously this one's all about disciline.
1:45
Speaker 3: Let's talk about that in a sec But for people
1:46
Speaker 3: who want to know a bit more, we have this
1:49
Speaker 3: thing called a Happy Family's membership, and instead of paying
1:51
Speaker 3: thirty dollars to watch the webinar, you pay either twelve
1:54
Speaker 3: dollars a month or seventeen dollars a month and you
1:57
Speaker 3: get the webinar and so many other things to make
1:59
Speaker 3: your family happier. Like the resource list is as long
2:02
Speaker 3: as your arm. So if you would like to attend
2:04
Speaker 3: the webinar, we'd love to have you there. That's tonight.
2:07
Speaker 3: But if you would like to have ongoing monthly support,
2:11
Speaker 3: jump out of the Happy Families website happy families dot com,
2:13
Speaker 3: dot you and check out the Happy Families membership because
2:16
Speaker 3: that way you get all of the webinars, and you
2:18
Speaker 3: get them for a fraction of the price of what
2:19
Speaker 3: you pay for them normally.
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Speaker 2: Plus you get all those other resources.
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Speaker 3: Anyway, that's the shameless plug for the membership, which I
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Speaker 3: love and which We've got a very large family who
2:28
Speaker 3: are now part of that, and I love the fact
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Speaker 3: that we get to help them.
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Speaker 2: Let's talk about tonight's webinar.
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Speaker 1: Well, I've had a little bit of a sneak peek
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Speaker 1: at your presentation tonight, and.
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Speaker 3: Not a sneak peak. You've read the presentation inside.
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Speaker 1: I don't even know where to start. There is so
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Speaker 1: much information in here, and I wish that we could
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Speaker 1: tell everybody about all of it.
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Speaker 3: Can you start with the I got a message from
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Speaker 3: somebody about the dos and don'ts of discipline webinar for tonight,
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Speaker 3: and can we just talk about that for a second.
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Speaker 3: Not that I'm into parents shaming, okay, because I don't
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Speaker 3: want to make people feel like they should be ashamed,
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Speaker 3: but some people, right, well, this.
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Speaker 1: Comment that came through flawed me. I actually wondered whether
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Speaker 1: it was real. I had to ask you.
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Speaker 2: I just.
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Speaker 1: She just said, if people don't know how to raise
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Speaker 1: a child without being taught, I would suggest they rethink
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Speaker 1: before they breed.
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Speaker 3: Because everybody knows how to raise children before they have them, right.
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Speaker 2: I just love that.
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Speaker 3: It's kind of like saying, if you don't know how
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Speaker 3: to operate before you become a doctor, then don't even
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Speaker 3: bother becoming one. So some people are discouraging their friends
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Speaker 3: from participating in THETIS, and dads are just We've actually
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Speaker 3: got a friend that had a great conversation with a
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Speaker 3: maid of mine, a mutual friend, Tim, who had some
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Speaker 3: friends come over to his place and they were admiring
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Speaker 3: the bookshelf because you know, the bookshelf is a bit
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Speaker 3: of a status symbol, and in the home people come
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Speaker 3: over and look at the kind of books you read.
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Speaker 2: They're like, oh, yes, you are.
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Speaker 1: It's so much a status symbol. But it can give
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Speaker 1: you a very good insight.
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Speaker 2: It shows you who you're really talking to, doesn't it.
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Speaker 3: So these people were looking at Tim's bookshelf and they've
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Speaker 3: said to Tim and Marianne, you guys have got all
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Speaker 3: these parenting books on your bookshelf. What have you got
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Speaker 3: them for? You're already such great parents. He just kind
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Speaker 3: of look like, Yeah, it kind of goes the other
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Speaker 3: way around. We've read the books and that's why we
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Speaker 3: do it. Okay as parents. Anyway, let's talk about this
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Speaker 3: webinar because I want to help everyone to be a
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Speaker 3: better parent when it comes to discipline and their kids.
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Speaker 1: Well, I guess, I guess. The first question I've got
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Speaker 1: for you, justin is you know, what is this? What
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Speaker 1: is discipline and how does it impact the way we
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Speaker 1: interact with our children in tough moments.
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Speaker 3: I love this question because there's a fundamental flaw in
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Speaker 3: the way people understand discipline, not just in Australia, but
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Speaker 3: I think in Western society generally. When we think about
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Speaker 3: disciplining kids, we usually think about getting them in trouble
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Speaker 3: for doing stuff wrong. Like that's just the standard answer.
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Speaker 3: Discipline means getting kids in trouble off an to appear
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Speaker 3: in the media to talk about whether or not it's
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Speaker 3: okay to discipline other people's kids. And what the question
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Speaker 3: really is is, if somebody's child does something I don't like,
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Speaker 3: can I get them in trouble?
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Speaker 1: On?
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Speaker 3: How can I get them in trouble? It's that kind
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Speaker 3: of thing. But that's not what discipline means. Well, it
5:15
Speaker 3: kind of does. If you look at today's dictionary, discipline
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Speaker 3: just has one word beside it punish punishment. But if
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Speaker 3: you look at older dictionaries from back when the word
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Speaker 3: was invented, discipline actually comes from the Latin disciples, which
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Speaker 3: means to teach or to guide, to show the way.
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Speaker 2: And I think if we think about.
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Speaker 3: Discipline that way, discipline's about showing the way when our
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Speaker 3: children make mistakes, when our children behave in challenging ways,
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Speaker 3: when our children lose the plot, they don't need us
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Speaker 3: to punish them.
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Speaker 2: Like if I was to distill.
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Speaker 3: The word punishment down to one very simple word, it
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Speaker 3: would be hurt. You know, when you punish someone, you
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Speaker 3: make them pay a price, You exact retribution. You've done
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Speaker 3: the wrong thing, And here's.
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Speaker 2: How it's going to hurt you.
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Speaker 3: Punishment is all about hurting, discipline, showing the way, teaching
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Speaker 3: and guiding and instructing.
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Speaker 2: That's all about helping. Yeah.
6:04
Speaker 1: When I think about my place as a parent and
6:07
Speaker 1: I think about those two words help or hurt, I
6:10
Speaker 1: want to be the helpful parent. I want to be
6:12
Speaker 1: the parent that you know is able to guide and direct,
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Speaker 1: not hurt, and you know, dish out consequences.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and consequences is just another word for punishment. Like
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Speaker 3: people are like, I don't want to punish them, but
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Speaker 3: there does need to be consequences, And I'm like, well,
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Speaker 3: it's kind of the same thing as a euphemistic soft
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Speaker 3: way of saying I don't want.
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Speaker 2: To hurt them, but I'm gonna have to hurt. I've
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Speaker 2: got to hurt them. They've done the wrong thing.
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Speaker 3: So I reckon, why why don't we spend a few
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Speaker 3: minutes in just a sec unpacking some of the do's
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Speaker 3: and don'ts of discipline to give people a taste of
6:42
Speaker 3: what we're going to talk about tonight.
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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
6:46
Speaker 1: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
6:50
Speaker 1: a happy family doesn't just happen.
6:52
Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
6:56
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, and we are talking about
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Speaker 1: the dos and don'ts of discipline. Now, obviously you've got
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Speaker 1: you've got, you've got a list here of does and
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Speaker 1: don't let's.
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Speaker 3: Unpack a few of those, Okay, I think we should
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Speaker 3: dive into them. When you looked at the list, what
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Speaker 3: intrigued you the most? Because you've heard me talk about
7:12
Speaker 3: this sort of stuff for years, So one that stood out.
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Speaker 1: To me the most, like literally the very first one
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Speaker 1: that I just love and you know, going back to
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Speaker 1: that hurt or helpful parent, I want to be the
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Speaker 1: helpful parent. The idea that children are people too.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, So we kind of forget sometimes that children are people.
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Speaker 3: We just think that they're robots, that they should do
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Speaker 3: what they're told when they're told, and when they don't,
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Speaker 3: we kind of become agitated and irritated. It's like, no, no, no, no,
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Speaker 3: I told you to do something, so just do it.
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Speaker 3: We forget that they've got feelings, that they've got hopes
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Speaker 3: and dreams, that they've got preferences, that they're in the
7:44
Speaker 3: middle of their favorite show ever, and I know it's
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Speaker 3: always their favorite.
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Speaker 2: Show ever, every single time. It doesn't matter what show
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Speaker 2: it is. Like, oh, but this is the best episode.
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Speaker 2: It's my favorite show.
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Speaker 3: But every now and again it just helps if we
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Speaker 3: can step into their shoes and see the world through
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Speaker 3: their eyes. Remember what it was like to be little
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Speaker 3: and they have this big person always bossing them.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, when I was growing up, there was
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Speaker 1: you know, it was this whole idea of children as
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Speaker 1: supposed to be seen but not heard. And I love
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Speaker 1: this concept that children are people too because I feel
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Speaker 1: like it tells me that we're evolving as individuals and
8:19
Speaker 1: as parents.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: Doctor Luise Porter actually wrote a book called Children Are
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Speaker 3: People Too, and it's.
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Speaker 2: A beautiful book.
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Speaker 3: I really really recommend it, and it talks about just
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Speaker 3: this issue that we forget. I mean, how many of
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Speaker 3: us can really remember what it was like to before
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Speaker 3: or even to be fourteen, and what our hopes and
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Speaker 3: our desires and our preferences were then. But the more
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Speaker 3: we can step into and remember that, the more likely
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Speaker 3: it is that as parents we're going to be more
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Speaker 3: compassionate and more helpful in the way we discipline our kids.
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Speaker 3: That is the way we teach them, the way we
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Speaker 3: show them, the way.
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Speaker 1: I guess the next one that taps into that beautifully
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Speaker 1: is that people matter, things don't.
9:00
Speaker 3: So my favorite I'm going to share this story in
9:01
Speaker 3: the webinar. So if you're watching the webinar and you've
9:05
Speaker 3: listened to the podcast, spoiler alert, just letting you know.
9:08
Speaker 3: So some years ago, one of our kids went to
9:10
Speaker 3: a conference. She came back from the conference and told
9:12
Speaker 3: us this story, and it was amazing, so amazing that
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Speaker 3: I got in touch with the guy that was involved
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Speaker 3: in the story and got permissioned to be able to
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Speaker 3: share the story myself and let everyone know about it
9:22
Speaker 3: because it was such a beautiful story. So this guy
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Speaker 3: works for a major software company in the United States,
9:28
Speaker 3: had to go and present a conference into state and
9:32
Speaker 3: for whatever reason, something went wrong with his laptop. His
9:36
Speaker 3: laptop completely died. The shops were closing. He didn't have
9:40
Speaker 3: time to go and buy a new laptop. And even
9:41
Speaker 3: if he had time to go and buy a new laptop,
9:43
Speaker 3: he wasn't going to have time to set it up,
9:45
Speaker 3: put all of his programs on it, and all that
9:47
Speaker 3: kind of thing. This was back before we did everything
9:49
Speaker 3: in the cloud, so you know, we've got to go
9:51
Speaker 3: back a few years for this. Anyway, he is desperate,
9:54
Speaker 3: doesn't know what to do, and then thinks, I know,
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Speaker 3: I'll see if the neighbor's got a spare laptop. Well,
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Speaker 3: it so happens that the neighbor had just bought a
10:01
Speaker 3: brand new one that week, had just finished setting it up.
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Speaker 2: It was literally brand new out of.
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Speaker 3: The box, just set up, literally hadn't used it himself
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Speaker 3: at all, and said, you know what, I'll just keep
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Speaker 3: using mind for another few days. You take my brand
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Speaker 3: new one, because then you won't have any problems. Take
10:16
Speaker 3: it to the conference, use it when you come back.
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Speaker 2: I'll grab it off you. Then.
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Speaker 3: So this guy says, thanks so much, that's amazing. He
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Speaker 3: borrows the laptop, he loads all of his programs on there,
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Speaker 3: it's got it all set to go, flies away does
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Speaker 3: the conference, comes back late at night, crashes out. The
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Speaker 3: next morning, he comes into the kitchen, and of course
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Speaker 3: the first thing that he's going to do that day
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Speaker 3: is drop the laptop back to the neighbor and say.
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Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
10:40
Speaker 3: But when he walks into the kitchen, he sees his
10:43
Speaker 3: son doing something he's not supposed to be doing. His
10:46
Speaker 3: little I think four year old son is riding his
10:48
Speaker 3: skateboard around the kitchen, around the kitchen bench around the
10:51
Speaker 3: kitchen island sort of thing, and he's like, hey, son,
10:55
Speaker 3: you're not allowed to do that. What are you writing escape?
10:57
Speaker 3: And then he's like, hang on, we don't have a skateboard.
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Speaker 2: Oh no.
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Speaker 3: He looks down and his son has gotten the brand
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Speaker 3: new laptop and screen down, keyboard down. He's skating around
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Speaker 3: the kitchen bench on the laptop. And so you know,
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Speaker 3: this guy is just freaking out. His thinking, Oh, number one,
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Speaker 3: this is so embarrassing. Number two, he's destroyed the laptop.
11:18
Speaker 3: Number three, we don't really have the money to be
11:20
Speaker 3: buying a new laptop to replace somebody's brand new laptop
11:23
Speaker 3: because I've already got to buy my own new one anyway.
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Speaker 2: And so he's freaking out.
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Speaker 1: This is a disaster waiting to have a massive, massive problem.
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Speaker 3: And as you can imagine, the four year old cops
11:33
Speaker 3: his wrath right like, this did not go well for
11:35
Speaker 3: the four year old. It's like, what are you doing?
11:37
Speaker 3: And he was trying to be nice to the four
11:39
Speaker 3: year old, but he wasn't nice to the four year old.
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Speaker 3: It didn't go well at all. So then he's kind
11:43
Speaker 3: of going through this thing, what do I do about
11:46
Speaker 3: the laptop? So he just doesn't go back to the neighbor.
11:49
Speaker 3: He just hangs on to the laptop.
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Speaker 2: For a day. And then two days and three days neighbors.
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Speaker 1: Have stopped talking over less than this.
11:56
Speaker 2: This is serious.
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Speaker 3: And finally one day he's out the front and he'd
12:01
Speaker 3: been avoiding the neighbor completely, but the neighbor drives in
12:03
Speaker 3: the driveway while he's out in the front yard and
12:05
Speaker 3: he's like, oh, no, he's seen me, and so he
12:07
Speaker 3: gives him a wave and then he goes inside, and
12:09
Speaker 3: about thirty seconds later, there's sort of this oh, I
12:13
Speaker 3: have a knock.
12:13
Speaker 2: On the door, and he's like, oh, what am I
12:15
Speaker 2: going to do?
12:16
Speaker 3: And the neighbor's standing there smiling and says, hey, how
12:18
Speaker 3: you doing, And he says, I'm good, and he says, so,
12:22
Speaker 3: I've noticed you've been avoiding me lately, Like the neighbor
12:26
Speaker 3: is just so upfront about it, and he goes, no, no,
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Speaker 3: I haven't really been avoiding enough.
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Speaker 2: It's been really busy.
12:31
Speaker 3: He says, Oh, okay, no problem. I thought you might
12:33
Speaker 3: have been avoiding me because maybe something's happened to the laptop,
12:36
Speaker 3: like he's just cold and just set it straight up.
12:38
Speaker 3: And so obviously, the guy goes, oh, yeah, well about
12:42
Speaker 3: the laptop, and so he tells him what happens, and
12:45
Speaker 3: he's expecting this frustration.
12:47
Speaker 2: He's expecting maybe even an eruption. You know. He's like, really,
12:51
Speaker 2: I've really blown it.
12:52
Speaker 3: The neighbor looks at him and says, well, I hope
12:55
Speaker 3: you didn't get your son in too much trouble. And
12:58
Speaker 3: he's like, I beg your pardon.
13:00
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness.
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Speaker 3: He says, people matter, things don't. Oh is that a
13:05
Speaker 3: great story? And I think that if we can remember
13:08
Speaker 3: that way, like our kids aren't trying to break the VARs,
13:11
Speaker 3: they're not trying to put a hole. And well, I
13:13
Speaker 3: mean every now and again and anger, maybe they do
13:14
Speaker 3: the wrong thing, but if they do the wrong thing
13:17
Speaker 3: intentionally out of anger, then they matter even more because
13:22
Speaker 3: they're struggling that much. People matter, not things. So that's
13:26
Speaker 3: just a taste of what we're going to talk about.
13:27
Speaker 3: I mean, I could talk for ages and ages and ages,
13:29
Speaker 3: but clearly we don't have time.
13:30
Speaker 2: For the whole webinar right now. But that's happening tonight.
13:33
Speaker 3: The do's and don'ts of discipline, and if you can
13:36
Speaker 3: make it, it would be awesome to have you there.
13:38
Speaker 3: If you miss it, you can buy it in the
13:39
Speaker 3: Happy Family's shop. Because not everybody listens to the podcast
13:43
Speaker 3: the day that we put it out there, obviously, but
13:45
Speaker 3: it would be so cool to have you as part
13:47
Speaker 3: of the Happy Families membership so that you can participate
13:50
Speaker 3: in all of the webinars where I tell all of
13:51
Speaker 3: those stories and I think I've got about another ten.
13:54
Speaker 2: Dos and don'ts have discipline that we're going to talk
13:55
Speaker 2: about tonight. So many can't wait for it. So glad
13:59
Speaker 2: you gave me the chance to tell that story on
14:01
Speaker 2: the spot. I love it.
14:02
Speaker 3: Hey, if you're enjoying the podcast, we'd love for you
14:04
Speaker 3: to tell everybody about it by jumping onto Apple Podcasts
14:07
Speaker 3: on leaving a rating and a review.
14:09
Speaker 2: Those five star ratings and all of your reviews.
14:12
Speaker 3: Help other people to find out about the podcast and
14:14
Speaker 3: make their families happier, to help their kids know that
14:17
Speaker 3: people matter things don't, or at least that people matter
14:20
Speaker 3: more than things because things kind of matter a little
14:22
Speaker 3: bit sometimes. If you can leave that rating and a review,
14:25
Speaker 3: we can help other families be happier.
14:27
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Justin rule On from Bridge Media.
14:30
Speaker 3: For producing the podcast, and to our executive producer, Craig Bruce.
14:33
Speaker 3: If you'd like more info about how to make your
14:35
Speaker 3: family flourish, and especially our Happy Families memberships, you can
14:38
Speaker 3: get all the info at happy families dot com dot
14:41
Speaker 3: au