Transcript

Permission · Lean Out Podcast

0:01
Welcome to the lean out podcast.
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I'm your host, Dr.
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Don baker.
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Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance?
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You've come to the right.
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Place.
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For inspiration.
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information.
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and a community.
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community.
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of like-minded.
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Professionals.
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Let's get to the show.
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Hello.
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Hello.
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Thanks for being here.
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This week I'm bringing you a reading of chapter 10 of the Lean Out book.
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There's one more kind of chapter in the book, which I call the conclusion, and I'll share that with you as well in a separate solo cast.
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So this chapter is called Permission.
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It's such an important concept because many people, especially women, wait around to make changes to their lives.
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But our time on this earth is finite.
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I've just come face to face again with this because last week when I was away on a clinical assignment no less.
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Our dog died.
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He lived a really long life.
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He was 16 and a half.
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So we knew his time was coming, but his passing has really felt like an end of an era.
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I was looking back at all these photos of him and then photos of him with my daughter as she was a baby, and then photos of him and her when she was a little older, and I was like, wow, life is flashing before my eyes.
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Time is fleeting for all of us.
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A former coaching client reached out to me recently with a message of appreciation.
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We had worked together through a period of negotiation with her private practice where she wanted to cut back one of her workdays per week.
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This negotiation was also complicated by the fact that she would need to disclose a new pregnancy.
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She was very concerned about what the partners would think as she's only a couple of years out of residency.
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It seems like as full on adults and professionals, we should not need permission to do what we want, and yet many people feel trapped in a work life balance.
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They want to change but don't feel like they can because they don't realize they have the power to do so.
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I've seen this in newer attendings that are fresh out of their residency program, but I've also seen it in more seasoned professionals.
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It doesn't matter how long you've been out, you might still be in what I call the residency mode.
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And I talk about this in the Lean Out book as well, where you're still so highly attuned to what everyone else thinks about your performance because that was your mode of survival For so many years.
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We've spent a long time subjugating our needs to patients.
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Clients, more senior trainees, supervisors.
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And maybe even other family members like children, we forget that we have the ability to act on our own behalf and put ourselves first.
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Sometimes.
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Well, guess what?
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You have permission.
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You have permission to do what you want, what you need, and what's right for you.
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So this client I was talking about, we had gotten to the point where she was able to see that what was right for her was to ask for this amended schedule.
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And if that negotiation didn't work out, she would seek work elsewhere.
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She realized that as a specialist with a very unique set of skills in an area of medicine, not many people pursue.
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She didn't need the partner's permission to design the life that was right for her.
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She had many options.
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And this hints at last week's episode with Jen Wagner, where we talked about understanding your worth in case you missed it, i'll link to that episode in the show notes.
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Fast forward several months to her message.
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She ended up leaving that particular job around the time that she had her baby, and she took a nice maternity leave that was long, like three or four months, and started back at a new part-time job.
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And this is crazy, but right after that, her husband was diagnosed with a cancer and had to start chemo treatments.
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She's now so grateful.
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She has the flexibility and the days off to accompany him to his appointments and also to be more present with her kids while she's still able to do work as a professional.
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The other day I was listening to an episode of The Brave Enough Show with Sasha Sheko, who has also been a guest on the Lean Out podcast.
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I will link her episode from 2024 in the show notes as well.
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She said.
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Don't wait for permission.
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Instead, create momentum.
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The other thing she said in that episode I loved was your boldness gives permission for others to rise.
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Remember that when you take charge of your own balance and fulfillment, you're leading by example For the many others around you who might themselves still be waiting for permission, okay, onto the reading of the chapter.
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Thanks so much for listening, and if you have thoughts you'd like to share about this podcast, please put them in a review on iTunes so more people can find this content.
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I hope you enjoyed this reading of Lean Out Chapter 10, permission.
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Chapter 10, permission.
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Your Current Safe Boundaries Were Once unknown, frontiers Unknown.
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Beyond all the thought traps discussed in Chapter five.
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The thing that holds women back most from leaning out is permission.
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You don't need to wait for external validation from anyone to have permission.
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You don't need to meet certain criteria or have a specific certification for permission.
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Also, you don't need to suffer through a major breakdown or a life event like I did to give yourself permission.
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You have permission to take control of your health.
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Without health, the loftiest of achievements and highest accolades will be meaningless.
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It just might be necessary to lean out in order to lean in to radical self-care.
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Robin Arzon, one of the most popular instructors for the fitness giant.
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Peloton used to be a lawyer as a daughter of immigrants.
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Her mother was a doctor.
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She was groomed for a high achieving professional life.
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Health and fitness were not family priorities.
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One day during law school she decided to put on a pair of running shoes to walk to class.
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Over the next several years, she spent as an associate at a New York City law firm.
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She realized that the times she felt most passionate and most like herself were not when she was at work, but when she was exercising, she eventually walked away from law to honor the healthy lifestyle she valued most and become a fitness instructor.
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Heather told me in our initial coaching consultation that she thought she might want to leave her role as director of the pediatrics residency program at her university.
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She felt drained every day no matter if she was at home or at the hospital.
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Her doctor had recently diagnosed her with hypertension and pre-diabetes.
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Her relationships with her husband and special needs stepson were suffering.
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She felt stuck.
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Overwhelmed and guilty for not being the badass breadwinner Supermom.
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She expected to be 13 years out of residency training.
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She wanted to figure out her priorities and her career direction, but she wasn't even able to envision how she wanted her days to look.
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First, we clarified her values.
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We spent time going through the parts of her work days that she loves and the parts she loathes.
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It turned out that harmony was something she greatly valued.
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In dealing with discipline issues or administrative headaches, as program director was a major source of her energy drain.
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At the same time, she missed doing more clinical work.
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She loved teaching in action on the hospital floor, but that's not something she was doing much of in her current position.
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She identified that what she truly desired at work was to hone her clinical skills and leave some of the other stuff behind.
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Time.
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We got to a point where Heather could describe what she wanted to do during a day at home and how to carve out time for personal things such as exercise and meditation, things she had enjoyed in the past and in between.
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We busted through a lot of unmet expectations and negative self-talk.
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We examined her rules and then threw some of them in the garbage.
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One of her sessions took place on a day when I was camping in the forest.
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It was late May, closing in on the end of the academic year, a late spring shower sprinkled on the roof of my rv as I connected to Zoom.
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Initially, Heather was confused by the change of scenery and asked where I was, the rain beat down harder on the roof, flustered.
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She quietly muttered a comment about the director position, the one she had come to me questioning the one we had been coaching around for months, the one that had been dreaming her energy for years.
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Well.
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I guess it's too late now to step down.
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The residents are about to come in.
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She whispered with a smirk.
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Up until that moment, she had never uttered the phrase step down.
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During our sessions, lightning lit, the sky, thunder clapped, and it was finally out in the open.
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Do you want permission to leave that job because you have permission?
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You've had permission all along, and I'm giving you permission again right now.
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I said, what do you want to do?
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Next week, Heather made a proposal to her department chief to step down as program director effective at the end of that academic year and continue solely as a clinician with some teaching responsibilities.
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When I last spoke to her, she thanked me for helping her realize she could do it.
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I'm exhausted just thinking about being in that old role.
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She said I actually exercised before a work shift the other day.
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I never would've had the energy to do that before.
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To ignore naysayers, when you lean out and do something unconventional, you will encounter two types of people, those who are inspired by what you're doing and those who are threatened by it.
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In my path to lean out, numerous coworkers approached me one-on-one and told me they'd love to ask for an alternative schedule like I did.
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Sometimes they shared secret plans to lean out on a time schedule and asked for advice on how to talk to the people in power.
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As I mentioned earlier, you can be a leader in very quiet ways.
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On the other hand, people who are threatened will manifest their feelings in numerous ways.
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They might profess jealousy, but qualify your moves with something like, well, it must be nice to be able to do that because you have blank.
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I can never do something like that.
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As a young attending physician, I maximized my time off in academic practice by gaming the vacation system.
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I wanted to be able to take three to four week trips, which is one of the reasons I chose anesthesiology as a specialty.
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No one else in the department did this.
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In keeping with my contract.
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I always made sure I met my minimum number of shifts for the year in any given month.
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However, I might not meet the requirement.
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I played by the rules and never asked for time off during an annual specialty meeting or any other high request time of year.
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I once walked by the physician lounge and overheard coworkers discussing the vacation roster.
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She takes a ridiculous amount of vacation.
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She's way off the charts compared to everyone else.
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That's not okay.
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Said one exasperated physician who often compared herself to others.
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Another shrugged and responded.
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She's not in it for the money he was right.
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The old proverb rings true.
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The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
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Naysayers might avoid you because your presence reminds them of something they want but can't imagine doing.
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Naysayers might also be more direct with their disapproval and just flat out tell you that whatever you're doing is not going to work.
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You're ruining your future career path, et cetera.
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Some of these naysayers might be random coworkers, some might be close friends or family members.
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You might find that some of your relationships change in ways that you hadn't imagined, and that is what's hard.
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When faced with naysayers, recall your core values.
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Remember why you've decided to lean out.
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Remember that you've earned every right to be where you are in your profession.
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In today's modern age, pedigrees no longer matter.
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The only thing that matters is your integrity in your defined scope of work.
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In the end, you are the most important person in your life.
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What you think takes precedence.
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It's also helpful to remember that naysayers attitudes are not a reflection of you, but rather a reflection of how they see themselves.
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They might feel inadequate, left behind, or angry at themselves for not having the courage to consciously design their lives the way you're designing yours.
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Their feelings are their responsibility, and you have no need for their approval to take an unexpected direction.
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Your vision for work-life balance can look like anything you want it to.
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Just how you've learned to lean out from the hustle culture.
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You can lean out from the commonly shared, unconventional things professionals are doing, side hustles, coaching certifications, short-term rentals, syndications.
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If you don't like it or it's not for you, don't do it.
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Asha hired me with a chief complaint of feeling unfulfilled in her current position as a pain management position.
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While her interactions with her boss left a lot to be desired, she made excellent money in private practice, worked a reasonable but full-time schedule with a short commute, and had the privilege of performing procedures most days of the week.
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Many colleagues and friends told her she had the dream job, but it wasn't her dream.
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She longed for something different.
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She wanted to perform research.
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She missed academics, and a position was coming available at a nearby university.
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As someone who worked hard to separate myself from the grind and ego of academia, it was difficult to understand on the surface why a professional mom without outside interests, who is feeling unfulfilled, would want to add work often with roles and expectations that are not particularly well-defined to her plate.
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When we worked through ASHA's core values.
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It all made sense.
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Asha happened to be a first generation immigrant and the only physician in her family, and one of her greatest values is leaving a legacy.
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She has a husband and children, yes, but if she didn't get a chance to weave her value of legacy into her life, the other things, including her relationships, would likely suffer.
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We spent the subsequent session strategizing her application for an academic pain management position, including a research focus and a special appointment as diversity, equity and inclusion leader for the department.
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After Asha was accepted and had begun her new position, she told me my work transition has gone smoother than I expected.
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It's been reassuring to prove to myself that I can do hard things.
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Just remember.
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You have permission to break your rules and everyone else's rules too.
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You have permission to take your own path.
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You have permission to do what is in your heart, even if it's unexpected.
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You don't need to experience a life catastrophe to wake up and do it.
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If you take anything from this book, let it be this exercise.
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Identify your joy.
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Think back to a time when you felt truly happy and fulfilled.
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This could be a moment involving work or it could be a time when you were immersed in a personal pursuit or spending time with family or friends.
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It could be a moment when nothing much seemed to be happening.
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Sometimes those are the best, most joyful moments.
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Recall the conditions of your joy.
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How did it feel in your body?
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Who was around you?
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What time of day and year was it?
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What were you doing during this time?
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Write it all down and relive it.
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Kristen's journey.
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I didn't know how to find that in between that balance.
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It took me years to figure that out.
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I'm still redefining how I define myself.
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Kristen is a family nurse practitioner who spent 12 plus years in the hospital space doing oncology nursing.
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I loved taking care of patients, but I didn't love what the work did to me.
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She said when she developed some stress related health problems, it was the wake up call she needed to decrease her work schedule.
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I spent one month taking FMLA and one year upgrading my mindset.
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She said Kristen left a draining managerial role, then gradually transitioned her clinical schedule to two days a week.
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These moves helped tremendously.
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And Kristen set out to help other women like her, who feel overwhelmed, overworked, and underappreciated.
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She trained in yoga and integrative health coaching, and she started a small business to offer those services to others.
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A few years went by and Kristen still felt like my work was holding me back from my kids.
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She's the mother to three children.
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Two of them are twins and one has physical and developmental health challenges.
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Despite crafting a better work-life balance and improving her personal health.
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As a result, I was still in a spot where I had to pick between family and work.
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Kristen craved complete control over her schedule and the ability to do whatever might be needed to help her children.
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Thus, four years after her initial wake up call to lean out, Kristen left the bedside without any new work on the horizon.
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I knew if I was going to make a big jump, I was going to go all in.
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It was terrifying.
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She said what helped her most through the time of uncertainty was closely planning every financial move with her husband.
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Although it was a challenge to their relationship, it was integral for them to face the difficult money conversations.
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Support from her husband was pivotal, but Kristen says coaching also helped her tremendously in the process.
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Kristen now uses her years of experience in cancer care in a consulting role for a research company.
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She wasn't specifically looking for this type of opportunity, but was instead open to any ways to use my skills where I don't have to sacrifice my wellbeing.
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Her full-time job is remote and offers complete flexibility.
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The hardest part of leaning out for Kristen was playing the long game.
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I had to be patient, she said, but the best part has turned out to be a summation of lots of little things.
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When her daughter gets sick, the world doesn't crumble.
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Trying to accommodate everyone's work obligations.
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She's experiencing peak physical fitness and she makes all her own food as part of working at home and no more.
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Sunday scaries, she added Kristen's Biggest advice to other women looking to lean out is don't walk the journey alone.
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She implores women to have the difficult conversations with whatever the village looks like to you.
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Whether it's a spouse, stakeholders at work, friends, and or a coach.
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Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast.
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If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier.
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If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services.
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You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker.
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Have a great day and we'll see you next time