Latest / Masculine Containment / 26 - He Had the Right Woman... But the Wrong Tools (with Saul Palazuelos)

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26 - He Had the Right Woman... But the Wrong Tools (with Saul Palazuelos) · Masculine Containment

• 0:00
  Welcome to the Mass Funnel Container Podcast.
• 0:02
  Today, I have the honor and the privilege of interviewing a brother of mine, Saul Palazuelos, who was in the first Brother Container, Mike Christian's interview earlier.
• 0:14
  Saul was a member of our three-person small intimate container that really started this work and really laid the foundation for a lot of what I'm dealing with.
• 0:23
  And I'm excited for you to hear from them.
• 0:25
  So welcome to the podcast, man.
• 0:27
  Thank you, Alex.
• 0:28
  It just was amazing and continually is getting amazing.
• 0:32
  So I'm super excited just to talk about what's been going on and share the message as many people as possible.
• 0:40
  Yeah, I'm excited for people to hear from you.
• 0:42
  You're joining us from Mexico, right?
• 0:44
  Yeah, I'm in Tijuana, Mexico, in the border.
• 0:46
  Yeah.
• 0:47
  Nice.
• 0:48
  Nice.
• 0:48
  I actually grew up working in a border town, so you and I have a lot in common.
• 0:54
  Let's jump in, Ben.
• 0:54
  So tell us, before you and I connected for that First Brotherhood container, what was it?
• 1:01
  So I just got married nine months ago.
• 1:06
  But when I saw your message in Instagram about what topics you talk about, and I just send you a message about, oh, you should send us for our newlyweds some tips or how we can manage this.
• 1:24
  And you sent me a message and we started talking about that.
• 1:27
  And it was amazing because as a newlywed, I think one of the things that we were struggling a lot is communication, expectation, and conflict resolving.
• 1:38
  You know, and things just really tend to go off really, really fast and hurtful maybe for the both of us.
• 1:45
  And we more than we love it.
• 1:47
  ourselves.
• 1:48
  But yeah, we just hard to have any tools to manage that and more as a man, like you're, you're just sometimes you're only educated to provide or protect in a way like Syria.
• 2:01
  But once you're in your house, that thing's it's just a puzzle.
• 2:04
  And yeah, so that was like, like the main, main thing we were struggling to, to resolve conflict and to just understand expectations and develop a relationship as a newlywed
• 2:17
  Yeah.
• 2:17
  So when we met, you had only been married about four or five months, right?
• 2:22
  Yeah.
• 2:23
  Yeah.
• 2:24
  So tell us a little bit, what did that conflict look like?
• 2:26
  What did it look like before?
• 2:29
  So I was used to work.
• 2:30
  I'm actually doing the same.
• 2:32
  I work a lot from home and I was just like working.
• 2:36
  And when we were dating, I saw her, I spent time with her.
• 2:42
  Then I went back and worked to the cave for hours and hours and hours.
• 2:45
  And now when I just got married, I had to have the same routine.
• 2:51
  But now I have my partner with me the whole day.
• 2:54
  Maybe she's expecting stuff.
• 2:57
  And we had a lot of trouble to just manage that because I already had a routine.
• 3:02
  She was getting out from her house.
• 3:03
  She never lived outside of her house and her family.
• 3:07
  So it was that process about figuring out how we can...
• 3:13
  just communicate being with each other and just trying to understand what was the first
• 3:23
  big process for us because I had to work to do.
• 3:27
  She wanted to also be with me, but it was just a part of figuring out the schedule, the time, and not only that, understanding how to me as a man being present with my wife, it was the hard time because I didn't know.
• 3:40
  I just thought, well, we sit down and rest and see TV or eat, but that was not having time with her.
• 3:49
  Yeah.
• 3:50
  Yeah, you have a unique experience, because so many of the men I work with have been married five years, 10 years, 15 years, and you've been married months.
• 3:58
  Yeah.
• 3:59
  So, and you were married months in a situation where the two of you started living together.
• 4:03
  She had never been out of her house before, and you never lived with anybody before, right?
• 4:08
  Well, I had roomies, but they were, man, simple stuff, you know?
• 4:14
  So tell us a little bit about, like, let's stay in the before for just a little bit to give people a picture of what was going on.
• 4:20
  So it was managing expectations around time.
• 4:23
  But where else was there challenges in those early days, if you can think back to that?
• 4:29
  I think that I used to react a lot to some perspectives.
• 4:34
  Like, I didn't manage my emotions, like that part of containment.
• 4:38
  I tend to explode in a way that was just, and she didn't also understand the way to communicate some needs.
• 4:48
  So we were in a reactive state.
• 4:50
  That's how I can define it.
• 4:52
  Like constantly in a reactive state.
• 4:54
  We're always like in this frustrations part because I think from my side, I'm doing what I have to do.
• 5:00
  And she was thinking from her side what she was needing to be done specifically.
• 5:04
  And at the end, not seeing the fruits or the results, the expectations we wanted.
• 5:09
  So we react a lot.
• 5:11
  And instead of asking or having conversation, we were just having conflict.
• 5:16
  And that was hurting us a lot.
• 5:18
  But I understand that I had to do things to change, but I didn't know what to do to change.
• 5:25
  Like you can read some books or see some podcasts and you have all this masculinity stuff.
• 5:35
  It's too extreme sometimes and it doesn't serve the relationship.
• 5:40
  And for me, seeing the marriages that I admired in my church or the people that I really see, I'm seeing that they're not doing what these podcasts or red pill stuff are doing.
• 5:53
  They have these some parts of masculinity and leadership and character, but also a lot of love.
• 6:01
  And they, but it took them 30 years.
• 6:04
  I was like, man, I don't want to spend 30 years to understand this.
• 6:07
  I just want the nuggets right now to understand and start working with that, you know?
• 6:11
  Yeah.
• 6:13
  I think a lot of younger guys will find that red stuff, red stuff for later.
• 6:18
  Like what kind of things were you seeing before?
• 6:20
  So like when you say it was too extreme, tell us a little bit about that.
• 6:25
  I think like I grew up at the church and one of the things that they say a lot is submission, but submission in love.
• 6:32
  So it's not like you have to tolerate abuse or some stuff like that.
• 6:37
  Or me as a man, just be too dominant that I don't care about your feelings, that your role in the house.
• 6:42
  No, it's a lot.
• 6:44
  Actually, scriptures serve us or tell us to love us, Christ loved the church.
• 6:51
  Be giving your life for, you know, and that's the same thing.
• 6:55
  But sometimes I want that my wife give her life for me or she spends all her energy for me and not the old way around.
• 7:03
  So I think now we as young people see this red pill stuff too extreme in a way that the world has to serve me and I have to conquer and dominate with force and being so stoic and be so strong.
• 7:22
  unapologetic and some stuff, but that's not the real way.
• 7:27
  Even Jesus didn't do that.
• 7:28
  He has a character, Sanders, but he didn't do that.
• 7:32
  So at the end for my role is Jesus.
• 7:34
  So I thought that I was just
• 7:37
  Finding inconsistency in some topics, on some perspectives.
• 7:42
  Well, actually, the people that talk about this, I don't see them happily married and their wife talking about that and their family united.
• 7:51
  And I don't see that.
• 7:53
  So at the end of the fruit of the people that you can see the results.
• 7:57
  Yeah, a lot of the red pill stuff talks about dominating your spouse.
• 8:02
  I think that's maybe some of what you saw.
• 8:04
  How did that work for you in those early days?
• 8:08
  I can because it's also that part of dominating, I think it just generates more reaction from your wife.
• 8:15
  Like it's...
• 8:17
  It's not the way because you're entering, you're not leading through love.
• 8:24
  You're leading through force.
• 8:25
  And the story shows us that each one of us that start leading with strength doesn't endure as much as those who lead with love.
• 8:35
  You know, and for me, I saw that.
• 8:39
  I tried to be maybe more...
• 8:42
  more direct or more hard and soft talk, some stuff.
• 8:48
  And I only create more cows in my marriage.
• 8:52
  It was not, it was clearly for me, it was not the way or the approach that I need to have then.
• 8:58
  And just trying to understand what I know in church, what I know from society right now, and trying to build a puzzle through these different perspectives.
• 9:09
  And it was not working for me.
• 9:12
  Sounds like it was confusing.
• 9:13
  Yeah, totally.
• 9:16
  Like confusing for you.
• 9:17
  And was it also confusing for her?
• 9:20
  Yeah, it was a consequence because at the end of the day, you as a man, you're leading with some information.
• 9:25
  Not only you're leading your house, but you're leading with information and the knowledge that you as a man have.
• 9:30
  And that's going to produce some consequences on some reactions in your house.
• 9:35
  So the quality of your leadership is based on the quality of the knowledge that you have and the understanding that you have and the openness that you have to be able.
• 9:49
  as humble as possible to reshape the way you're thinking.
• 9:52
  And me as a Latino, we talk about that.
• 9:55
  We have a culture that's really hard on perspective of being a man in your house and leading your family and what it's to be a man.
• 10:06
  I grew up with some of that, Saul.
• 10:07
  You know, I grew up with some of that.
• 10:09
  I mean, I think in the United States, we call it like a Latin machismo, where it's if you're not leading, if you're not in control, if you're not dominating, that you're not doing it right.
• 10:19
  Did you have some of that?
• 10:21
  Yeah, I think like maybe not directly, but at the end you start living what you learn, what they told you, what you know, like you just started just what you're learning as you grew up.
• 10:32
  And for me, one of the things is that my mom was a single mom when I grew up.
• 10:37
  So actually that also has some impact on me.
• 10:41
  Like my mom, she had...
• 10:45
  her time spending without trying to make us better men.
• 10:48
  But I didn't have a leader, like directly leader that I can saw and what can go and talk with.
• 10:54
  I only had God and that's enough.
• 10:56
  But at the beginning, like in this stage right now, who can I go and talk about how to be a better, a better husband or this kind of fights or I can go in and hope that the good thing for me right now is in my church.
• 11:09
  I have like this discipleship.
• 11:11
  We can go as a marriage and as a counseling.
• 11:15
  But yeah, when I grew up, I didn't have this leader.
• 11:18
  I only had these concepts.
• 11:21
  And even though friends that have their parents grew up with this macho kind of style, and it hasn't served their marriages as they want.
• 11:29
  So I see people with great pictures in Instagram, but terrible marriage.
• 11:36
  So much of that.
• 11:37
  For perspective, can you share with everybody how old you are, Saul?
• 11:41
  I'm 34 right now.
• 11:42
  Yeah, man, the thing that I noticed over and over again working with you is you have this like ability to learn and also this ability to like create wisdom of something much older than you are.
• 11:53
  I mean, I remember thinking that over and over again in the time we spent together.
• 11:58
  Thanks, Alex.
• 11:59
  Well, I think that's part of what God gave me to not only learn, but also to teach.
• 12:05
  Because I think that's the great thing.
• 12:07
  Like, don't wait time to teach it.
• 12:08
  You're doing an amazing thing right here.
• 12:10
  I've been learning a lot and I'm continually learning a lot.
• 12:13
  Thank you, man.
• 12:14
  I appreciate that.
• 12:16
  Can you remember if there was like a specific rupture or specific point or what got you to reach out to me?
• 12:22
  Because it's hard for us as men to ask for help, and you did.
• 12:26
  Do you remember what was going on right at that time?
• 12:29
  I don't like to see my wife suffer.
• 12:32
  So it breaks me that some things that I can't control can break her.
• 12:39
  And I know that she's the best thing humanly that has happened to my life.
• 12:44
  And she's the joy of my life.
• 12:46
  And her love, her smile, her energy is the best thing can happen in a room when she enters.
• 12:51
  And I don't want to lose that.
• 12:53
  I don't want to have a depressed wife, a wife that suffers.
• 13:00
  And I think that the best thing that I could do is just go to see the way so I can just preserve that from her.
• 13:11
  I don't want to damage her.
• 13:13
  And I know she loves me and she knows I love her, but we don't have the tools.
• 13:17
  So it was just to be for her as best as possible.
• 13:24
  So such a deep chill sometimes when you talk, because I feel what you're saying.
• 13:29
  I don't just hear it.
• 13:31
  You feel the same way about your wife that I feel about Katie.
• 13:34
  It's like my life changed completely and the energy in the world changed completely when I met her.
• 13:39
  You feel the same way, don't you?
• 13:40
  Yeah, no, it's a breaking point for my life.
• 13:45
  I think I don't deserve a woman as her in my life.
• 13:49
  just everything that I'm not and um sometimes I I just don't know how to manage that I think that's that's something that um I just want to preserve in my life and I know my my kids are gonna be super grateful for the work that I'm doing right now when they come yeah no question brother
• 14:13
  So let's talk about those early days.
• 14:14
  You know, we, you, me, Christian, and a team got together.
• 14:19
  It was four of us on these calls.
• 14:21
  And I took you through kind of the curriculum that has developed into the brotherhood.
• 14:26
  But give us an idea of like that, the early days of work.
• 14:30
  What did you start doing differently?
• 14:31
  What was it that impacted you?
• 14:34
  So for the first thing, I was just listening.
• 14:36
  And I think as men, it's hard to listen because you have your own ego in your way.
• 14:42
  And you have your own perspective.
• 14:43
  And I was like, humble.
• 14:44
  Like, dude, you don't know nothing about this.
• 14:46
  Like, these guys are already married.
• 14:48
  Some kind.
• 14:50
  One of the team was like having a really hard time with his marriage.
• 14:55
  The other one has babies and tried to figure that out.
• 14:57
  And I was just an only one.
• 14:58
  I was, damn, it's not going to get easier, you know?
• 15:06
  Listen, listen, man.
• 15:07
  So I think that was the first thing that I was, I was just trying to understand and connect with them through their pain.
• 15:15
  Not because there were, there were no mask inside.
• 15:18
  Like they were not like trying to be someone that they're not like, this is hurting right now.
• 15:22
  This is my life right now.
• 15:25
  And the first thing that I was just getting some knowledge through listening, the situations and the feeling of those men that want to be better for their families, but didn't understand how to do it in the different states that they were.
• 15:39
  So the first thing that I was doing, I was just listening.
• 15:42
  I was just trying to understand things.
• 15:45
  And I think that the real wisdom is to learn true stories, not true experiences.
• 15:51
  And that was the first thing.
• 15:53
  And the other, I think one of the best things that I got was structure.
• 15:58
  You need to have structure.
• 16:00
  Like we talk about this a lot, like you have structure through your coaching or your company or your business, but then in your marriage are so reactive with no structure.
• 16:10
  And it started to give me some structure.
• 16:12
  Okay.
• 16:12
  Okay.
• 16:15
  As I'm with my business, I can do it with my marriage.
• 16:18
  And it's not going to take off the romanticism of the creativity, but it's going to empower it.
• 16:25
  It's going to improve it.
• 16:27
  So I just started having this structure through the different kind of tools that you gave us to do.
• 16:35
  to breathe, to get that part, and just think, to go and walk with your wife, to have these rituals, to just sit and talk about those things, to appreciate what the things that she did
• 16:50
  I'm going to tell you a story like, I don't know right now, but yeah, like I'm going to do.
• 16:55
  Yesterday I was like working a lot and I was in the living room.
• 16:58
  Like I tried to not to stay in the office, in the house as much.
• 17:02
  So I went to the living room, but there's my wife.
• 17:04
  She's doing stuff so she can see me.
• 17:06
  I can see her and I'm working.
• 17:08
  And I was conscious when I was working all the work that she was doing.
• 17:12
  When I was in my office, I didn't.
• 17:14
  I didn't saw.
• 17:15
  And I saw her like doing the work in the house and this and that.
• 17:19
  And, you know, in a point I just felt in my heart, you know, you know, honey, we live near the sea here.
• 17:25
  So I said, once you're ready, if you want, I have to continue work, but it will be amazing.
• 17:30
  What if you want?
• 17:31
  We can go in front of the beach to finish the day.
• 17:34
  She was like, you really?
• 17:35
  Yeah.
• 17:36
  Okay, I'm going to get a shower.
• 17:38
  Yeah, you just make a great job in the house today.
• 17:41
  She was like so amazing.
• 17:43
  We went to the house.
• 17:44
  I continued my work and I was spending with her and she was more lovingly.
• 17:49
  And I'm like, yeah, man, this is the thing.
• 17:51
  I'm being conscious of this.
• 17:53
  And...
• 17:54
  And for me, it was a big win because I'm developing this new like tool or perspective of how to manage my just being there, like and being aware of that she's doing.
• 18:08
  And telling her, like, sometimes as men, we think that she already knows, but we're so we're so quiet.
• 18:18
  And just three words can change the day of your marriage a lot.
• 18:21
  Like, hey, I saw you got an effort.
• 18:24
  Thank you for doing that.
• 18:25
  How about we do this?
• 18:26
  Like, that three words is just changing our life and our marriage.
• 18:31
  And yeah, so those are the kind of the things that I'm right now, like, improving through the year.
• 18:39
  Yeah.
• 18:39
  Yeah.
• 18:40
  I often tell men that masculine containment, these practices, it's a discipline that you continue to learn, you continue to work on.
• 18:46
  It sounds like that's kind of in the place where you are right now.
• 18:50
  Yeah.
• 18:50
  Yeah.
• 18:51
  Like it's a continuous improvement.
• 18:55
  And all the things that I saw is if you're really aware of her needs, I think she's also going to be really aware of your fights.
• 19:07
  And when she knows, like, you're aware of my needs as a woman, I can be aware of your fights as a man.
• 19:14
  Like, I know your temptations, your struggles.
• 19:17
  So it's not attacking you because you're aware about it.
• 19:19
  But she knows that she's being cared about.
• 19:22
  So also she knows that you're in that process, you are always in danger or when temptations or all this stuff.
• 19:31
  And she can also be supportive of you.
• 19:33
  Not like, hey, you're watching other women or you're doing this.
• 19:36
  No, she's different.
• 19:37
  Like, I know that you care for me.
• 19:39
  Even though you have those fights, I know that you love me.
• 19:42
  I know that you care.
• 19:44
  And you just start to reduce the conflict in those kind of areas in your life.
• 19:50
  Man, what you just said is so profound, Saul.
• 19:52
  You know, I share with men that if they're willing to hold containment for their wife and they're willing to really see them and hear them, that they will see it in her.
• 20:02
  It sounds like that's what's happened for you.
• 20:03
  But you've done the work.
• 20:07
  And you really leaned into the marriage.
• 20:08
  But now you feel seen.
• 20:09
  You feel heard.
• 20:10
  And what I'm hearing is you feel really like fundamentally supported.
• 20:13
  Is that fair to say?
• 20:14
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 20:15
  Totally.
• 20:16
  Because I think like sometimes when you're disconnected with your life, with your wife, I'm sorry, one of the things that happen is that she thinks that everything is evolving your own needs and your own satisfaction.
• 20:29
  Even your fights, like, no, I'm not enough for you.
• 20:31
  So you're searching, you're looking, you're doing it.
• 20:34
  But when she felt cared and hurt and this kind of situations or this kind of fights that you have as a man, because it's a never-ending fight.
• 20:46
  Like, the whole system is, it's developed to make you fall in each state of your life.
• 20:51
  Yeah.
• 20:52
  Yeah.
• 20:54
  She understands that she has also to protect you in a way with love, with caring, with respect.
• 21:00
  And it's a kind of a healthy cycle that you develop with your life.
• 21:07
  What does it feel like in your body, Saul, when you feel that love of support from this woman that you love so much?
• 21:14
  I think that just, I'm rich.
• 21:17
  I have wealth.
• 21:18
  I have the best thing.
• 21:20
  Like, even though right now we're struggling to develop our dreams and our stuff.
• 21:27
  Like, she, when I see her, I'm just God, just giving the strength to preserve what you built and to protect this.
• 21:36
  Like, it's not about me anymore.
• 21:39
  So, yeah.
• 21:40
  So one of the best things that I can tell you that happens when you have a really healthy containment, it's not going to be about you anymore.
• 21:48
  And it's not going to be only about your needs.
• 21:51
  It's going to be for a bigger purpose.
• 21:54
  Like when you mix with your wife, you develop a unique purpose.
• 21:58
  And it's about that purpose.
• 21:59
  It's about you and her, not only her, but you and her.
• 22:03
  But it's not only about you and it's not only about her.
• 22:05
  So it's just giving you peace.
• 22:08
  And you know that you're just building something great, something meaningful, something that can be bought or can be changed for another person or another situation or another economy.
• 22:21
  Like you really find wealth and great love when you're with your spouse.
• 22:28
  It's been too long since we talked.
• 22:30
  That's all I remember so often on the calls we had where you would like speak and I'd get chills and I'm getting my body dove right now.
• 22:36
  Just so you know.
• 22:37
  Just like I said, you have this ability to create wisdom.
• 22:42
  I wonder if you could share a little more.
• 22:44
  So in the early days of holding containment,
• 22:49
  You know, a lot of men feel resentful and they feel like they're doing all the work and they feel like, you know, like it's like it's too much.
• 22:57
  Tell me your experience, like those early days of like saying, OK, I'm not going to react like I'm in condition to react.
• 23:05
  What was that like for you?
• 23:08
  At the beginning, as I was telling you, I think it was a lot about what I deserve,
• 23:16
  Hey, I already paid for this.
• 23:17
  I'm doing this.
• 23:18
  I'm doing that.
• 23:19
  And it's not about you deserving stuff.
• 23:21
  So at the beginning was changing that concept of meaning or my needs.
• 23:29
  I don't know.
• 23:30
  Because I think I was thinking about from this mindset of I deserve this because I'm doing this.
• 23:36
  Instead of that is...
• 23:39
  What do I want?
• 23:41
  Not what I deserve.
• 23:42
  So I want peace.
• 23:43
  I want love.
• 23:44
  I want to have calm in my house.
• 23:47
  That's what I want.
• 23:48
  And it has to be way bigger than what I think that I deserve.
• 23:51
  So I can be working for that.
• 23:54
  And as that consequence, containment helped me out to build that things that I want, not the things that I deserve.
• 24:00
  So it's about leaving your ego aside and reaching a bigger goal, a bigger thing in your marriage.
• 24:08
  So for me was that I was focused a lot and not what I deserve.
• 24:12
  I just threw all that thoughts in the garbage and say, OK, dude, what do you want right now?
• 24:18
  What do you want with your marriage?
• 24:20
  What do you want with your wife?
• 24:21
  Oh, I want to come.
• 24:22
  I want peace.
• 24:23
  I want to see her laughing and feeling great.
• 24:26
  And loving me and enjoying our marriage.
• 24:30
  That's what I want.
• 24:31
  Okay, so what do you need to do?
• 24:33
  I need to manage my reactions.
• 24:34
  I need to be more present with her.
• 24:37
  I need to listen to her more.
• 24:39
  I need to communicate her more.
• 24:41
  And as that consequence, I start building the relationship.
• 24:45
  The house that I really want.
• 24:48
  The family that I really want.
• 24:50
  And I'm just going to be super honest.
• 24:53
  It's not being a straight growth line.
• 24:54
  It's being like this.
• 24:55
  Sometimes I feel I'm going to lose it again and like that.
• 24:59
  But the time that I recover, the time that I get control super fast, I can go and ask for forgiveness.
• 25:05
  I told her that I love her.
• 25:07
  And I just see her heart and expansion growing, maturing through that.
• 25:14
  more efficient to forgive and to regain also control.
• 25:19
  So, so yeah, it's, it's been a, a, a, a dual growth, but I did that growth.
• 25:26
  So that's, that's been amazing.
• 25:29
  What does it feel like to lead that growth?
• 25:31
  So you feel like a man.
• 25:37
  It's just such a simple answer, isn't it?
• 25:40
  Yeah.
• 25:41
  Yeah, like, I cannot just talk about, like, you really feel as a man where you can lead real growth.
• 25:48
  And that's it.
• 25:51
  Yeah.
• 25:52
  You've spoken a little bit about it, but I want to ask the question directly.
• 25:55
  What have you felt shift in her?
• 25:59
  Confidence, security.
• 26:02
  Um.
• 26:04
  understand so I think those things are being like developed as a consequence of doing this um I think we when we meet our wives um
• 26:21
  they have a lot of potential in their size, but we as men, we're the only ones that I can really nurture that and, and, and scale all that in there because, uh, they also having a lot of struggles with comparison, with, with, with other women doing, doing or looking in the different stage when they have kids and stuff, like they're never enough in their mind.
• 26:44
  Like,
• 26:45
  Like they're having their own struggle.
• 26:47
  And you as a man, when you can tell her, you're an enough woman for me, you're an enough wife for me, a partner for me.
• 26:57
  Well, that's kind of just a scale for other areas in her life.
• 27:00
  And you can see her bloom.
• 27:02
  And that's one thing amazing.
• 27:04
  Like I see my wife with her struggles as I have mine.
• 27:09
  But I can see her like just getting this new stage in her life right now.
• 27:14
  So good, Saul.
• 27:17
  I remember this call that we had, the four of us, where you shared the feeling of containment.
• 27:25
  Do you remember what you said, the metaphor you used of the shore?
• 27:29
  Yeah, it's like you can have the waves crashing in a castle or a rock, and you just don't move.
• 27:40
  You see the rock just going firm, and...
• 27:42
  Until the seed goes like a level or calm again.
• 27:46
  And you just, you are the same.
• 27:49
  You're a rock solid with your character.
• 27:51
  It's easy to say.
• 27:52
  But when you have a lot of jobs or a lot of things or a lot of struggles, you can be that rock for her, you know?
• 28:02
  And I think that's one of the things, as men, we're not...
• 28:08
  educate to do like, what did you do when a poor emotion goes through you, you know?
• 28:13
  And sometimes you get involved with those emotions.
• 28:16
  And because if you, we, the majority of our growth, we spend with a lot of men.
• 28:21
  You don't talk that much about emotions.
• 28:23
  We just, we're not that.
• 28:26
  So when you get these kind of situations in your life, we have to be rock solid in a way.
• 28:33
  but in a way to start to give her calm, to just know that you have that proximity with you.
• 28:40
  And I think we just got so feminine as men getting involved with those emotions.
• 28:48
  It's not about you.
• 28:49
  So even they talk about you, it's not about you.
• 28:52
  And you don't have to be as insecure as a man to get yourself involved in those emotions or those topics.
• 28:58
  Like you have to, I think that the key is to know the truth about it.
• 29:03
  To know the truth of the reality, to know the truth of all your potentials, to know the truth about what you're doing.
• 29:09
  And if you know the truth about you, when these emotions come, you understand that it's not about you.
• 29:14
  It's not you.
• 29:15
  So you can give that home to your life or your wife that you need.
• 29:22
  Both, right?
• 29:23
  Yeah.
• 29:24
  Yeah.
• 29:25
  It's interesting.
• 29:26
  So a lot of men hear masculine containment and they think I'm going to be suppressing and stuffing down my emotions.
• 29:32
  But what I hear you saying is that you feel them, you recognize them.
• 29:37
  You just don't react.
• 29:39
  Yeah, yeah, like it's not everything.
• 29:41
  Like I want to be super honest with the people.
• 29:43
  It's not the whole time, but now you're aware.
• 29:46
  And as a man, when you're aware, it's way different the way that you manage stuff.
• 29:50
  And when you're super aware, like you can contain and get.
• 29:55
  When you're not, maybe you react, but you go back to the stage of being contained.
• 30:02
  And I think that's one of the biggest goals that we need to highlight.
• 30:07
  you being secure enough with your value and your self-worth, like that's, I think,
• 30:18
  So I'm just thinking of this right now.
• 30:19
  Like, I think a lot of men build so many external value stuff that they're so insecure.
• 30:26
  And they don't feel that they deserve their value.
• 30:28
  So maybe they're going to get the bareheaded house, wife, whatever.
• 30:33
  But they're going to manage to screw it up because they don't think they deserve it.
• 30:37
  And...
• 30:38
  in each situation or emotional situation that they're having, they just go through it.
• 30:46
  Like they just become kind of a emotional being also and just break up stuff.
• 30:52
  So the lack of self-aware.
• 30:56
  or self value that you have, it's gonna help you out with the situation.
• 31:01
  It's like, it was, I think I also gave this, like, it's when a kitten just starts, like, to pick up with a lion, like, I'm a lion, man.
• 31:12
  No matter what you do, like, you cannot defeat me.
• 31:15
  So it's, it's the same with emotions.
• 31:18
  Yeah.
• 31:19
  Yeah.
• 31:20
  So I often show with men that...
• 31:23
  Sitting with your wife in containment will make you stronger everywhere else in your life.
• 31:27
  Have you experienced some of that?
• 31:30
  Yeah.
• 31:31
  So, like I was telling you, like, for now, we're growing.
• 31:36
  We're facing a lot of challenges in this stage.
• 31:40
  We're taking some leaps of faith.
• 31:44
  And I feel so secure with my wife because I know she loves me, not but what I have or I can provide.
• 31:50
  but who I am.
• 31:51
  And that security comes not because she told me that when we were in the wedding, but because she said she, she told me that with her caring and her love every day.
• 32:07
  And for me, it's not about what do I can bring to the table or who can I be in the table?
• 32:16
  You know,
• 32:19
  It's so good.
• 32:20
  I chuckle because I love your metaphors.
• 32:24
  Saul, if there's a guy listening who is in a relationship, maybe a new relationship like yours, and he's struggling, what would you tell him about moving towards masculine entertainment or moving towards a brotherhood?
• 32:37
  Proximity is power.
• 32:39
  That's the key.
• 32:39
  You need proximity to just like...
• 32:42
  I'm not going to tell them that it's a fix-all formula, but it's just to be aside other men that want to be better and just want to break all things that... Like, I do not know any man who's alone and is happy.
• 33:03
  Like, don't think that I'm a lone wolf without that.
• 33:06
  That's crap.
• 33:06
  Like, you need a woman that you can see in her eyes
• 33:10
  she can hug you and love you and tell you amazing you are and just like admire you and honor you that you need that.
• 33:16
  Like as a man, you need that.
• 33:18
  It's not about the budget in the bank or the apps that you have or the cars.
• 33:25
  You need a woman that really, really loves you for who you are.
• 33:29
  And I think that if you're a man who's struggling or you know that you found the right person, but you're going through the wrong way.
• 33:36
  You need proximity to understand what changes you need to do.
• 33:39
  And you have to man up to break those stuff.
• 33:42
  Maybe are things that you grew up with your family, with your childhood.
• 33:46
  Maybe are some addictions that you have that you've been like just not telling anyone.
• 33:52
  But those things, like just all that things come to light.
• 33:56
  And I think that's the best time to start is now.
• 33:59
  Like you do it.
• 34:00
  And yeah.
• 34:01
  And be humble.
• 34:02
  That's another thing.
• 34:03
  Nobody cares really as much as you can care about your life and your wife.
• 34:09
  So you have to care.
• 34:11
  And the people that are in the group, it's not because they're also having their struggles.
• 34:17
  And it's good to have company, but you have to pay the price.
• 34:21
  You have to do the work.
• 34:22
  You have to be as humble as possible and understand that it's not a rapid formula, but...
• 34:33
  But it's a process that is not going to only pay out for you, but it's going to pay out for your family and your generation.
• 34:38
  So it's legacy.
• 34:40
  So, yeah, that's what I'll tell him.
• 34:44
  So good.
• 34:44
  So tell me a little bit more, if you can, what you mean by legacy.
• 34:49
  So legacy is the things, is the seeds that you gave to the other generations.
• 34:57
  What seeds?
• 34:59
  So those seeds are going to grow up when you're not here.
• 35:02
  And those seeds, you're going to show up what those seeds were.
• 35:05
  It was anger.
• 35:07
  It was insecurity.
• 35:09
  It was vanity.
• 35:12
  It was lust.
• 35:13
  You give those seeds to get an extra.
• 35:16
  But only when they start growing, you're going to see the real fruits of those seeds.
• 35:23
  You're responsible to give good seeds.
• 35:26
  And not only with your kids, but also you're spending time with other guys, with your friends, with your society, with your clients.
• 35:36
  What kind of seats are you giving to the world?
• 35:38
  But you're not going to be here, but your seats are going to be here.
• 35:41
  And it better be something that is again changing for the other men around you.
• 35:46
  So I think that the...
• 35:51
  And my mentor, Dr.
• 35:52
  Miles Monroe, said that.
• 35:54
  Like, the problem with our society is there's the lack of manhood, the lack of men.
• 36:00
  That's our problem right now.
• 36:03
  Because it hasn't been real men to step up and do the work and do the stuff that are right.
• 36:09
  And I think that you and I can do this through community, through proximity, and through real responsibility to give the other generation.
• 36:21
  As I said at the beginning, you have to think more about the purpose and not only about you, but through others.
• 36:28
  And that's the way that you can really see that you gave and you did something with your life.
• 36:35
  It's beautiful, Tom.
• 36:36
  I'm going to ask you one last question.
• 36:39
  What do you know or trust about yourself now that you didn't know or trust about yourself before?
• 36:46
  Hmm.
• 36:52
  I think not only that I'm responsible, but I'm accountable.
• 36:56
  And I have this principle in my life that those areas that you have more struggle are the areas that you're not accountable enough.
• 37:09
  So if you're having problems with your wife, you're not accountable with someone with your wife or your finance or your business or your marriage.
• 37:18
  So accountability is power and not because you need someone like just being, breathing you and your back and telling you or screaming you.
• 37:27
  But you need that.
• 37:31
  You're not strong enough.
• 37:32
  And that's not weakness.
• 37:34
  That's the real strength.
• 37:36
  Understand that in my church, I have this with my disciples and I say, the people who think that they're strong enough are the weaker and the people who understand they're weak are the stronger.
• 37:47
  And for me, it's that I know I'm weak and I cannot like develop my marriage for my own strength or my own knowledge.
• 37:55
  So that gives me the strength by understanding.
• 37:57
  going seeking more knowledge and tools and people that can enrich my life.
• 38:02
  So, so I, I, I can, I can resume it with that, you know, to have that clarity of, of, uh, I have to be accountable and, and,
• 38:14
  And even though maybe it can bring me a little bit of shame or something, fear of being exposed, you're going to be free once you start being accountable.
• 38:25
  You're going to be empowered and your reality is going to change.
• 38:31
  Man, so talking to you, it makes me think of my 40 or three, I'm sorry, my 34 year old self.
• 38:36
  And I think, man, I need it if I'm like you.
• 38:40
  I appreciate you so much, brother.
• 38:44
  The way that you absorb the information, the way you apply it to your marriage, the support that you gave to the other men in that small group was really inspiring.
• 38:52
  And today was like so inspiring, so grounding for me, so validating for me.
• 38:59
  I love you, brother, like so deeply.
• 39:02
  I love you too, man.
• 39:03
  And I'm super excited about what you're doing.
• 39:05
  I think we need proximity.
• 39:08
  We need friendships that can just tell us the truth and not only point the defects that we have, but also point the solution.
• 39:21
  And I think that's one of the things that you're building.
• 39:23
  Yeah.
• 39:24
  I encourage everyone that's here right now to just start by just entering the sessions and start asking questions, start seeing information.
• 39:34
  And if you really want the change, you just be accountable and do whatever it takes.
• 39:39
  It's not only about you, it's about your wife, your family and your legacy.
• 39:43
  And I think it's worth enough to pay the pain and the process to build yourself up and you're gonna see a different way of life that you've seen.
• 39:56
  So I couldn't, I literally could not have said it better myself.
• 39:59
  I appreciate you so much.
• 40:01
  And if you're a man watching who is in a place where maybe your relationship isn't going the way you want it to be, or maybe you feel like you need more tools in the brotherhood.
• 40:11
  We have three things.
• 40:12
  We have information that helps you understand what's going on.
• 40:15
  We have practical exercises and that we do on the calls and outside of the calls that will really give you that structure and help you offload some of what's going on for you.
• 40:23
  Like Saul said.
• 40:25
  And then the most important thing is brotherhood.
• 40:28
  And if you want proximity, like Saul said, to other men like this, to men who are working, who are wanting to become better, who are changing the generations of their family and leaving an extraordinary legacy, go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com, sign up for our waitlist or sign up for one of our interviews.
• 40:47
  I'd be honored to walk this path with you.
• 40:50
  Saul, thank you so much for being here today, brother.
• 40:52
  No, it's a pleasure.
• 40:53
  I'm here to serve each one of us.
• 40:55
  Feel free to send me a message, whatever.
• 40:57
  I'm here to serve each one of you.
• 40:59
  Thank you, Alex.
• 41:00
  Thank you.