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Five Practical Ways To Show Up For Kids And Partners · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about five ways that you can be emotionally available to your kid or your partner.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Hedge Drink Inc., your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, welcome back to Hedge Drink Inc.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Great to see you here.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I've been meeting with some teenagers this week, and I've been meeting with some couples.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: And as we've met, I've been thinking there's like common themes that happen in these relationships where certain things are not happening.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times I think, and they match up, right?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: The things that are not happening with your partner, or at least in my experience in my office, those are the same things that are not happening from parent to teenager.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably what happens is when I talk to adults where it's not happening, they will say, Oh, this didn't happen in my home when I was being raised, or I didn't get this wasn't modeled in my home.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's harder to do this with my significant other.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to talk, I wanted to kind of name five things that I think if you can start doing with your kid, first of all, and then start doing with your partner, second of all, you'd have a less turbulent life.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And don't we all want to have a less turbulent life?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I know that I do.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: So um, let's start with number one.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: So, number one is listen before you fix.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, your child can say something like, No one likes me at school.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And instead of just immediately going to a solution, just go make some friends, stop being a jerk.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if they are a jerk, they should stop being a jerk.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Be nice, invite so-and-so over, right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's trying to go immediately to a fix.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And one thing that I've noticed with couples, and it's particular with men, is that men want to fix things.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so instead of like listening to our partners, we immediately kind of listen surface level, and then we think, okay, how can this be fixed?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And we give solutions.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times our partner doesn't want solutions, they just want us to listen to them.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And that is that's consistent in my 26 years of working with couples.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is very consistent, and so it's also a thing within parenting is that we need to listen to our kids and not just immediately fix it.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because now what that teaches our kid is that they can just come to us to fix all their things rather than them figuring out and how to fix it.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, based on the age of where the when the problem is happening, there should be some empowerment that happens.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: This us coming alongside the kid and helping them fix whatever the issue is.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: But ultimately, the thing to do with your partner and your kiddo is to listen before offering solutions.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And how you listen that that I think I'll do that in another podcast.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: How do you do good active listening?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's like that's a 101 therapy class when we learned about active listening.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so number two, and this gets a lot of people in trouble, make room for feelings, even, and this is for parents, even when you limit behavior.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's so important, your kids are going to be emotional, their brain's not fully developed, and so they need to be able to express themselves appropriately, obviously.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and that's why a lot of times when kids are younger and they can't verbalize things, parents will teach them some type of sign language.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And in our family, we did that because I would rather have a kid signing more to me or no or yes or please or thank you than screaming at me that they're hungry.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so sign like sign language is a great way to do that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: And kids as young as one and a half.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think my daughter, my granddaughter, she's I don't know.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I know my son listens to this podcast.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, son.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't 15 months, I think that's wrong.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, she can do sign, right?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so she's not screaming for food, she just says she wants more.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: But so your child experiences some kind of consequence from you, and then they scream and they yell.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And instead of matching that energy, which I think a lot of parents do, and it's because a lot of parents are unable to emotionally regulate, and a lot of parents don't understand cognitive development stages of their kids.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: But instead of yelling and screaming, you could say something when the calmness has happened.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I get that you wanted more time.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: You can be frusted, but you can't call me names.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: We can talk when you're ready.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things I think that I experienced growing up is if I got upset, it was like, go to your room, right?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: As a kind of a consequence for getting upset.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: What that teaches a kid is you can't have a you get you're getting cut off from a relationship with me, and you're getting cut off from the rest of the family until you have no emotion about whatever the thing is.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: The difference now, I think I would say that that's a good thing, but the difference would be letting the kid know that you will come talk to them in five minutes.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: You will come have a conversation with them and help them problem solve whatever the issue was in the moment.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the same thing applies about making room for feelings, the same thing applies to your partner.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: When you are upset about something, your partner should be allowed to have feelings about whatever the thing that's upsetting them.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of times, again, men, I'm speaking from a man's point of view, obviously.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of men they avoid conflict with their partners at all costs because men often just want peace in the relationship.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so when feelings show up, when tears start to show up, men kind of shut down or roll their eyes or say something under the breath, here we go, here we go again.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And it's very demeaning and dismissive to do that.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: And and wives, if you're doing that to your partner, it's very demeaning and dismissive.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: So you number two is you need to make room for feelings, even if it's hard for you to do so.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You need to do this.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: A third thing, and this just came up in a conversation today that I had with a person about their partner.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Is when someone's coming to you to have a conversation about a thing, or when you're trying to help someone through a thing, listen before you fix, make room for feelings, and give them your undivided attention.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: So your your child starts to describe a game or video, you're not you don't particularly understand.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like this happened with me and my children when they would play Minecraft, and they would start talking about Minecraft, and I just would dismiss it, like Minecraft.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I look at that now, you know, with a different perspective.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because I actually started playing Minecraft with them.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so it becomes important to put your phone down, stop whatever you're doing, and even say to them, Show me what you're talking about.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: What do you like about it?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Having these deeper kind of questions rather than staying shallow with them, taking an interest in small things with your children at a younger age helps build trust for bigger conversations.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it's these bigger conversations that, like in their teen years, their young adult years, that you're wanting you're going to want them to come to you for instead of going to their friends or instead of going to a sketchy boyfriend or a sketchy girlfriend.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: So give them your undivided attention.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: And in terms of a partner, obviously you give your partner undivided attention.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's things that our spouses are interested in that we that we are not particularly interested in.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: But it's an opportunity when these opportunities come up, and I do view it as an opportunity.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: When this opportunity comes up, it gives you a chance to connect with your partner.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And it gives you a chance to let your partner know that, hey, I'm willing to listen to you, even if it's something that I'm not super interested in.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a good thing.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good thing for building up the relationship.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, so number four.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is this is a good one, especially for teenagers and parents.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Manage your reaction.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, your team, what do you do if your teenager says, I failed the test, I didn't study for it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Most parents want to just immediately go into a lecture and roll eyes and condemnation and I told you so, et cetera, et cetera.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say if that's kind of the route that you go, it's highly likely that that's what you experienced growing up yourself.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And my encouragement to you would don't do that with your with your kid.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's it's probably the last time they tell you a thing if that's how you're gonna do it.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: So a much better way to do it would be to say something to the effect of, I'm glad you told me, how are you feeling about it?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now you can understand why it's important to study, etc.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you can under you can address the studying and the responsibility piece after you have more understanding of what happened, after you've listened before you fixed, after you've given them your undivided attention.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: So manage your reaction.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is the same for partners.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: How how this has shown up in my life is you know, I come home and then my partner, my wife tells me, Oh, I hit a thing, or something hit me, or this accidentally happened, or whatever.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so I have two choices.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: I can be mad and upset and accusatory, or I can view it from the perspective like she did not do this purposefully.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: She's not out, you know, doing drag races in the vehicle.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Things happen, right?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Things get overlooked.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've done it myself.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the biggest thing with partners is like the things that we often get upset with our partners about, we ourselves have done.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: The things we get upset with our kids about, we ourselves have have done.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I have taken a test that I have not studied for and I did not do great on it.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I've done that so I can understand how a kid feels potentially about that.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: So manage your reactions when you're having to have these difficult conversations becomes very important.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And this last one is probably the most, I would say this is the most important one in these five tips because this is the thing that can really make or break a relationship.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously, we all know that there's no handbook on parenting, there's no handbook on being in a relationship with another person.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so there are going to be times where we get things wrong.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would say when you get something wrong, it becomes so important for you to repair what you did wrong.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, you snap at your kid when you're rushing out the door.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And you can over you can just like leave that as a thing and snap at your kid again, snap at your kid again.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually they're gonna want us, they're they're not gonna be interacting with you a lot.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And if you do this to your partner, the same thing's gonna happen.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it'd be much better to be kind of have to have some self-reflection around it and say later something to the effect of, hey, I am so sorry.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was frustrated about being late and I took it out on you.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't have done that, that wasn't fair, and I'm gonna work to handle my frustration very differently.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, as I'm talking about it, I recognize that I'm doing that in a very clinical way.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing it in a way that just kind of rolls out of your mouth very easily.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not often the way that relationships and conversations take place.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, things get busy, people have the intention of apologizing, making it right, but then something happens and they forget, and then they go to work, or they have a sporting event, or what have you, and then it then it kind of gets lost to the wayside.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things I would encourage you to do as a kid, as a parent, as a young adult, as a partner of somebody is like when you know that you need to apologize, and you also know that, oh man, I probably will forget, put an alarm in your phone.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it when you're driving.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: You can just talk to your phone to set an alarm to remind you to do the thing.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because repairing relationships is what is one of the most important things you can do to keep a relationship going well.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think what I've seen within like estrangement in particular is that offenses have been done by a parent, let's say, and the kid is just sitting waiting for an apology, and this apology never comes.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or if it does come, it's half-hearted, or it this is what's often added on the end of it, but you should have fill in the blank, done something right.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's the other piece of this is that I would highly encourage you to repair when you get something wrong and just leave it there, just repair it.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Don't add, but you should have reminded me that whatever.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you add a butt, I mean, I'm sure you've heard this before.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you add a butt to the end of an apology, you're basically canceling out the apology that you just made.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And perhaps you grew up in a home where that happened all the time.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I will tell you right now that that is a thing that you do not want to do because it hurts relationships, it harms people, it makes people not want to be in relationship with you long term, and it's just not it's it doesn't need to be there.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry for doing a thing is a period, it's a statement.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't need to be comma, however, comma, but right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: So don't do that.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: If you're doing that, you've got to stop that.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of the things that I'm talking about when people do them, it's very habit that people have.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so I recognize if you're not going to be super successful at it the first time you try it, but it's the trying of it that becomes important.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes a very bad habit to add on to an apology.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's a very bad habit to get defensive when you're having a conversation with your partner.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think maybe that's a that's another podcast I'll do is like what are some relational bad habits that people get into.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Anyways, if you have more that you want to add, I would love to hear what you have to add.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: More there are lots of other parenting tips.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: These are just five that I came up with as I was working with couples this week and working with families this week.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: But let me know what you think.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: I am on all of the social medias under Doc David.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great week, and you can see a bunch of the same thing.