Latest / Recovering Out Loud / 15 Times in the Mental Hospital – Breaking the Cycle of Insanity

Transcript

15 Times in the Mental Hospital – Breaking the Cycle of Insanity · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
And I just thought everyone hated me, you know?
0:03
And I was like the biggest piece of shit walking on God's green
0:05
earth. So like, after a three day
0:06
binge, the voices would tell me to go to the mental hospital.
0:10
I didn't want to go, but I would go out of fear, right?
0:14
And it's the most terrifying experience getting on the bus,
0:16
hearing these voices checking in.
0:18
And then once you check into the mental hospital, you can't leave
0:20
until they let you out. And that's what the voices
0:23
really attacked my head, You know, just bringing up every
0:25
single selfish moment in my life.
0:27
That time I wasn't there for my son, that time I was a piece of
0:29
shit to my family. That time I stole money from my
0:32
ex-girlfriend. They would tell me that I'm the
0:34
worst father in the world and you don't deserve to live.
0:37
I was full flight from reality and I thought I was going to
0:39
die, right? Hi there, welcome back or
0:44
welcome to Recovering Out Loud Podcast, the show where we get
0:47
real about mental health and addiction.
0:50
I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
0:53
struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
0:56
help. Send me a message on all social
0:59
media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at
1:04
recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com. You are no longer alone.
1:26
Oh yeah? Yeah.
1:27
Fucking three cameras, eh? Yeah, I don't fuck around, man.
1:30
I went all addict. I addict out with it.
1:35
I got all the expensive shit. We are all or nothing people,
1:40
right? I mean, I mean, at least I am.
1:42
I don't know. I don't know about you, but I
1:45
like to think I'm an all or nothing guy.
1:47
I love, I absolutely love what you do, man.
1:49
Thanks, buddy. It's I appreciate you service,
1:53
right? Yeah, you're, you're helping
1:54
people that are that are scared to be out there and, and, and
1:58
talk about this stuff, right. I hope so, yeah.
2:02
I mean, you, you've been on the the video adventure too.
2:05
You like doing the videos and stuff like that.
2:07
What do you like about doing that?
2:10
So apparently people say like, I have a, a gift with making
2:14
video, you know, so I try to put it into service, right?
2:19
Because in the book it tells us selfishness, self centeredness
2:21
that we think is a bit of all our troubles, right?
2:23
So it just shows like what? Like let me ask you a question.
2:27
What? What do you get out of seeing
2:28
those videos? Picture I have a pictures are
2:34
one thing. OK, when I was growing up, I
2:37
used to hate when my parents, my mom especially, would be like,
2:39
let's take a family photo used to drive me nuts.
2:43
I think I was embarrassed. I think there was a lot of shame
2:46
about how I was viewed with other people.
2:48
Like it was a lot of embarrassment there.
2:51
I've come to realize today there's so many photos in my
2:55
life where I look back and I'm like instantly the memory is
2:59
just reignited in my brain and I'm so grateful that I have all
3:03
those photos in. So my answer to your question is
3:07
videos do that times 1000, right, where, you know, I was
3:10
watching that video you made of the retreat.
3:12
And that's how we met. And I'm happy that we met
3:14
because you're a fucking good dude and I appreciate you.
3:16
But that video, it just it'll bring me back to that moment and
3:21
it fully encapsulate, encapsulates the the entire
3:24
memory of the whole weekend, right.
3:27
And I think videos, if words are or if pictures are 1000 words
3:31
and videos are a million, right? I'm, I'm sure that's a quote
3:34
somewhere or something, but yeah, man, it's like it's
3:38
important. And that's why I loved editing
3:39
and that's why I love. I did a recent one, I don't know
3:42
if you saw it yet, but it was like a horror short of like what
3:45
stimulants did to me. Dude, when I was making that the
3:48
other day, I'm not kidding you, I had like anxiety because it
3:52
brought me back to all those, those moments, those hours I
3:57
spent looking through the peephole thinking someone was
4:00
coming to kill me, thinking people were outside.
4:02
Just the sheer terror of addiction and specifically
4:05
psychosis. And I love horror films.
4:08
It's one of my favorite genres. I love films.
4:11
And so to make that was like, it was so fun for me, right?
4:14
But it also brought back a lot of, a lot of memories And, and
4:16
it's good too, because I, I have to remember what it was like
4:19
because I don't ever want to go back there, you know?
4:21
You got a step One is remember the pain, right?
4:25
The disease. That's some reason I don't mind.
4:28
So yeah, with the videos, I, I, I just like I said, I put it
4:32
into service and it shows that we could be happy without drugs
4:35
and alcohol, right? And it gives like for the still
4:40
suffering, right? They could, they get to see us
4:42
being happy without drugs and alcohol and yeah just it's a Wii
4:47
program, you know, and I just want people to to feel love,
4:51
wanted and needed, you know what I'm saying?
4:54
So pretty much that's it. And I, I've, I've been doing it
4:57
for a long time, you know, and yeah, I really enjoy doing it.
5:02
You know, it's all about love, right?
5:05
Yeah. I think a lot of people need to
5:06
see that fun side of recovery too, because my first thought
5:10
when I came in was how am I, my life is over, right?
5:14
My, how am I going to live life? How am I going to not have a
5:17
drink on my wedding day? All these bullshit stories that
5:20
I've played in my head, my disease just keeping me, trying
5:23
to get me back out there, right? And it still happens.
5:25
They still come. Yeah, I did not believe in
5:28
abstinence when I first got to the rooms, you know, and my
5:31
brother in I'm only human. Right, everyone's doing it.
5:39
Yeah, and alcohol was always the solution for everything, right?
5:42
As long as as long as I'm off the drugs, you know, and just
5:46
doing alcohol be OK. So he's like, just try it out.
5:49
Try being abstinence for one year, right?
5:53
So that's how I, I came up with the name Bo Bridy, you know,
5:57
just as a joke, right? Like I didn't, I didn't believe
5:59
in complete abstinence, right. But this is what I didn't know
6:01
about, like the rooms, the program, you know the, the
6:05
unity, you know all that stuff, right?
6:07
Yeah. So can you take us through talk
6:10
about a little bit about your childhood and what it was like
6:12
growing up in your home? Looking back now, I always felt
6:19
like I need this program because I always felt restless,
6:21
irritable and discontent. You know, my mom was always
6:24
racing. I was always angry, always
6:26
uncomfortable in my own skin. You know, in school, I felt like
6:31
I, I was stupid, you know, I couldn't concentrate on
6:34
anything. And the most important thing to
6:36
me was my friends seeking validation and just trying to
6:39
fit in. Yeah.
6:44
So I was a very angry kid. You know, I was part of this
6:46
basketball team. Two of the the things that I was
6:48
good at was sports and instrumental.
6:50
And then the coach kicked me off the team because of my bad
6:52
attitude. And he never brought me back on.
6:54
And that just made me resentful to adults, you know, as I was
6:56
very disrespectful to the elders as a kid.
7:00
And my parents weren't always there for me, you know, So I
7:02
always held that resentment towards them, you know, because
7:05
that they weren't there for me. And the way I turned out, you
7:07
know, So as a kid, I did whatever the hell I want to do,
7:10
you know, I was like the tornado roaring through people's lives.
7:13
You know, one of my first addictions was a steal.
7:15
So I'd steal it everywhere I went, the grocery store, the
7:18
variety store, my friends place, my family.
7:20
And when that came lying, you know, I would hurt the people
7:23
that love me the most. And I was blocking the sunlight
7:26
of the spirit way before I discovered drugs and alcohol,
7:29
you know? So yeah, pretty much I, Yeah.
7:33
I was working on self. Well, run, right?
7:36
My whole life until I got into these rooms, right?
7:38
I did not know how to live life. And yeah, So when I discovered
7:44
drugs and alcohols, that's when I finally felt that sense of
7:46
ease and comfort, you know, I felt comfortable, happy,
7:49
confident, alive. You know, all these fears
7:51
dropped. And I was just the life of the
7:52
party. You know, I would always wear
7:54
these masks with everyone because if you truly knew who I
7:57
was in my head, you wouldn't like me.
8:00
And if you didn't like me, I'd be at a pity party and, like,
8:03
what's the point of living, right?
8:04
Yeah. Always wanted to fit in right.
8:07
It's funny that there's a common thread between addicts and
8:11
Alcoholics that I always realizes that that need to fit
8:14
in the people please to to be a part of and then that's exactly
8:18
what recovery does right. You come in and you're like,
8:20
hey, man, have a seat, welcome. Have a coffee, you know, but
8:23
don't you like, I just fucking flipped my car on the highway
8:29
drinking and driving. Like, why would you like me?
8:32
Why would I'm a piece of shit? All these things are going
8:34
through your mind when you come in.
8:35
And then people just love you where you're at, right?
8:37
And they listen to your stories and they're like, yeah, same.
8:41
I did that, you know, have a seat.
8:43
You're good bro, you know, welcome.
8:46
We watch it here. It's, it's it's crazy how living
8:51
with this disease without any defense.
8:53
Wait, we have no idea what the hell is wrong with us.
8:56
You know what I'm saying? And for me, I thought it was
8:59
different, that there was no one like me, man, You know, I was
9:01
like terminally unique, you know?
9:02
And it's like nothing ever worked, right?
9:05
And then I had to be pretty badly mangled before coming into
9:08
these rooms. But then when you come into
9:09
these rooms, you find out that there's so many people just like
9:14
you with the same thoughts, the same feelings, you know, the
9:16
restless, irritable and discontent, you know, And it
9:19
doesn't work alone. We have to do this together,
9:22
right? Yeah, I can't.
9:24
We can. That's one of my favorite,
9:26
favorite lines. I love it.
9:28
There's a lot of people that come in that sort of like, I'm
9:30
not as bad as as these people. When I came in, I thought it was
9:33
like the biggest piece of shit walking on God's beater.
9:35
Yeah. A lot to swear, right?
9:38
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut, cut.
9:40
Yeah. Yeah, start over.
9:41
Yeah, no, we, we like to to keep things raw and, and authentic.
9:45
And I shouldn't say, well, authentic too, but uncut, raw,
9:49
unfiltered, because that's what addiction is, man.
9:52
Like I didn't, I didn't start this podcast to have nice
9:55
conversations about how great life was.
9:57
Like, I want to talk about real shit.
9:59
You know, what did, what did you go through?
10:00
How did you get through it? How do you get through shit
10:01
today? Right.
10:02
It's important for people to hear that that sobriety is
10:05
beautiful and amazing and fucking incredible.
10:08
And I, I wouldn't change it for the world, but it life still
10:10
sucks sometimes, dude. Like the shit that still gets
10:13
hard and I still have to navigate and I'm still dealing
10:15
with financial shit that that I fucking racked up.
10:18
I still, you know, I get collection calls and stuff like
10:20
that, You know what I mean? And it's like, when will it end,
10:23
right? But it's like, just do the next
10:24
right thing, practice principles of the program, give it back and
10:28
things will work out. I have to do, I have to pay back
10:31
things and I have to do and show up.
10:33
I can't just say God take care of everything, right?
10:35
But the outcome is not up to me. I have to do the little things
10:39
today. And I think you live by that
10:41
principle. You know I just in talking to
10:43
you, or try to at least. Do not be discouraged, no one
10:47
among us has made maintain anything like perfect and
10:51
curiosity spiritual. We are not Saints.
10:53
We are not. Saints, the point is we are
10:56
trying to grow along spiritual lines, but it's such a blessing
11:00
to have the awareness of being itself right where before we
11:04
didn't know what the fuck was going on, right?
11:09
Yeah, life's going to hit, it says in the big book.
11:11
If we don't enlarge our spiritual life, we're not going
11:14
to be able to handle certain trials in low spots, you know
11:16
what I'm saying? Ahead.
11:17
Yeah, Yeah. But in the certain trials in low
11:20
spots, there's always blessings that come out of that.
11:22
You know what I'm saying? It's like we need all these
11:25
these pains and sufferings to grow, right?
11:27
So like, instead of being like in a pity party about it, try
11:31
being thankful at that moment, right?
11:34
This is all about practicing though, right?
11:36
It's not simple, but not easy. Like for me, I'm coming up on
11:39
three years in October and year 2 has been like super hard.
11:44
There were times where I just wanted to give up, you know what
11:47
I'm saying? Because I wasn't, I wasn't able
11:50
to handle certain trials in low spots.
11:51
This is what happens when I take my will back, right?
11:55
Like trouble comes right? And disease centers in my mind,
12:01
it tells me that I could drink. You know what I'm saying?
12:03
And this is what we're dealing with every single day, right?
12:08
That's why we have a daily reprieve.
12:10
What does what does taking your will back look like today?
12:12
What does that look like to you? It's what I stopped doing the
12:18
things I'm supposed to do right? Because once I'm in my will,
12:22
like I, I get resentful. I'm uncomfortable in my own
12:26
skin. I'm full of fear, you know, I
12:28
make up resentments towards people, you know?
12:31
And this is what the my brains like, right?
12:34
It's, it's mentally strangely the range, right?
12:39
That like, again, the disease that is in my, in my mind, in my
12:41
thinking, right? And I suffer from an illness
12:44
which only a spiritual experience can conquer, right.
12:51
Yeah, I could be very weak to this disease sometimes, you
12:56
know, and be in that pity party. And like we, we have like 2
13:00
options. We could either blot out the
13:01
consciousness of our intolerable situation with anything that
13:04
makes me feel good, right? Drugs, alcohol.
13:07
But if you're not doing drugs and alcohol, we pick up other
13:09
things. Right.
13:10
Anything bro? So, so media food, you know,
13:14
whatever man scrolling, right, That girl, right?
13:19
Whatever we focus on is pretty much our higher power, right?
13:23
But deep down in every man and woman shell is a fundamental
13:25
idea of God, right? So the problem is in me and the
13:29
power is deep down within me and I have to search diligently
13:32
within myself every single day, right?
13:36
What was the moment like? I want to backtrack a bit.
13:39
So was drinking your main thing? Was that like or were you
13:43
everything? I did pretty much everything.
13:47
Alcohol was always like the the thing that I did all the.
13:50
Time, yeah. Yeah.
13:52
Like, to me, that was like the dissolution.
13:54
But when I did alcohol, it would always lead to, like, the other
13:57
stuff, right? Yeah.
13:59
Cocaine, ecstasy, whatever. I did it all.
14:01
I didn't do heroin. But what brought me to my knees
14:04
is crystal meth. Yeah.
14:07
Can you walk us through that? What did that look like and and
14:09
how did you ultimately seek help?
14:11
Like what was the moment? What was that like?
14:14
So I was full flight from reality when I started meth, you
14:17
know what I'm saying? Like I started hearing voices in
14:20
my head, psychosis. And what I'd hear is my friends
14:23
and family believing it's actually them with some spyware.
14:26
So I could. I believe that they can see what
14:28
I see, they can see what I think.
14:29
They know everything about me. And they absolutely hated me.
14:32
And this lasted for like 2 years.
14:34
And even when I'd be sober, I'd be hearing these voices, you
14:37
know what I'm saying? I'd be one of those guys that
14:42
are on the street that are just like fighting with voices in
14:46
their head, right? That's what that's how I'd be
14:48
when I was sober. You know what?
14:49
I'm being restless interval in this content, you know, and I
14:51
just thought everyone hated me, you know, and I was like the
14:55
biggest piece of shit walking on God's green earth.
15:00
So like after a three day binge, the voices would tell me go to
15:04
the mental hospital. I didn't want to go, but I would
15:07
go out of fear, right? And it's the most terrifying
15:09
experience getting on the bus, hearing these voices, checking
15:12
in, and then once you check into the metal hospital, you can't
15:15
leave until they let you out. And that's what the voices
15:18
really attacked my head. You know, just bringing up every
15:20
single selfish moment in my life.
15:21
That time I wasn't there for my son, that time I was a piece of
15:24
shit to my family, that time I stole money from my
15:27
ex-girlfriend. They would tell me that I'm the
15:29
worst father in the world and you don't deserve to live.
15:31
I was full flight from reality and I thought I was going to
15:34
die, right? So the doctors would just tell
15:37
me the voices are all in your head.
15:39
They would medicate me with olanzapine, I'd sleep it off,
15:42
wake up, and they would send me home.
15:44
And when I left that mental hospital, all I felt was shame,
15:47
guilt, and remorse, you know? And I had a firm resolution to
15:50
never use a drink again. And if you put me to a lie
15:52
detector test, I would pass for flight colors because I actually
15:54
believed it. So I go home, sleep for two
15:57
days, wake up, and once I wake up, I'm restless, irritable, and
16:00
discontent. And then the mind starts racing.
16:02
The mental black spot, right? I think I could use and drink.
16:05
It'll be different this time. And then once I put one in me,
16:08
it triggers the phenomena of craving.
16:09
I have this allergy to body, this abnormal reaction, and then
16:12
the binge. And what happens after the
16:13
binge? I would get paranoid, the voices
16:16
would scare the shit out of me, and I would go back to the
16:18
mental hospital. So I repeated going to the
16:21
mental hospital 50 times. You know what I'm saying?
16:25
Like it was just a cycle of insanity around and around and
16:29
around with no solution, right? And this is what it is.
16:33
If, if we don't have like these meetings and, and doing the
16:36
steps and all that, right? It's just a cycle of insanity,
16:39
right? I didn't, I didn't understand
16:43
why I kept using when I didn't want to.
16:45
I didn't understand why it hurt the people that love me the
16:47
most. I didn't understand why I did
16:49
the things I did, you know, I just thought I was the biggest
16:52
piece of shit and I, I, I didn't think I deserve to live, you
16:56
know? And this is how cunning,
16:57
baffling and powerful this thing is we're dealing with, right?
17:03
Yeah. So I tried a lot of things,
17:07
right? I went to the mental, like I
17:08
said, I went to the mental hospital like 15 times.
17:10
I went to rehab twice. I tried moving to different
17:13
places. I did programs like CAMH, you
17:16
know, tried joining different religion.
17:18
Nothing ever worked, right? And by the end of it, I was
17:20
living in my apartment. My roommate moved out because of
17:23
his by addiction. I rent, I miss rent payment for
17:27
like 3 months you know, I was just so isolated, you know, and
17:31
I was just so disgusted when disgusted with myself, you know,
17:34
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
17:36
I was mentally, physically, financially and spiritually
17:40
broken, you know, and I would drink as much alcohol as I can
17:44
and do as much as my drug of choice as I can to build up
17:46
courage to kill myself, you know what I'm saying?
17:48
I, I didn't think there was any way out and I didn't ask for
17:51
help because I didn't think anyone would ever help me, you
17:53
know what I'm saying? I was delusional.
17:55
I was full flight from reality, you know.
17:59
Yeah. So one day my mom came over, you
18:01
know, and she saw that the place was a mess and, and I was just
18:07
like, intoxicated, out of my mind.
18:10
And that's what she described. This decided with my family that
18:14
I go to rehab, you know, I'm saying.
18:17
So by the grace of God, I got into these rooms and through you
18:20
guys and the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's
18:22
what I discovered, that I suffer from an illness which only a
18:26
spiritual experience can conquer, right?
18:31
What does the What does the spiritual experience mean to
18:34
you? Working these spiritual
18:39
principles in all your affairs, right?
18:41
One addict working with another addict is vital, the permanent
18:45
recovery, right? For me, I didn't think this
18:48
problem could work for me, right, 'cause I didn't think I
18:51
was worth worthy of it, right? That's the delusion, the liar
18:54
that I believed in my head for so long.
18:56
But by doing the work right, it says the spiritual principles
19:00
will solve your problems. And when you're doing the steps,
19:04
you're working the spiritual principles in all your fears,
19:06
right? You're working courage, You're
19:07
working honesty, right? And by doing Step 4, you know,
19:13
and then doing Step 5, admitting to God, to myself and to another
19:15
human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.
19:19
That's what I knew that this poem could work for me and that
19:23
I have a chance to do better. You know, it says there's very
19:25
little hole for your recovery unless you get entire psychic
19:28
change. And I, I believe that's when I
19:31
got it was a on Step 5. You know what I'm saying?
19:37
But what do I really have? What I really have is a daily
19:41
reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual
19:43
condition, right? I'm not going to be, I can't
19:46
rely on yesterday's spirituality.
19:48
I'm not going to be full off yesterday's food.
19:50
I'm not going to spill good off yesterday's shower, right?
19:54
It's like every single day is a day I'm going to carry the
19:55
vision of God's will into all my activities because I'm dealing
19:58
with an illness. And then if I don't and I get
20:00
into self, I get driven by 100 forms of fear to self, delude
20:04
yourself, seeking yourself, pity.
20:06
And I can't deferate the truth of the false or I'm blotting out
20:08
the consciousness of my tolerable situation with
20:10
anything that makes me feel good, right?
20:15
What's the hardest spiritual principle for you to work today?
20:21
Courage, yeah, like fear, it always kicks in, you know what
20:26
I'm saying? Like I'm coming about three
20:30
years into this, right? I, I can, I consider myself
20:32
still a baby, you know, and just like to think about it, right?
20:36
I was running on self will pretty much my whole life until
20:38
I got into these rooms like 3 years ago, right?
20:41
And that disease that is in my mind that always kicks in,
20:46
right? And that's what holds me back
20:47
from a lot of things, right? Yeah, yeah, this, this sort of
20:52
like movie that we project onto the world of it's going to be
20:55
like this, right? Yeah.
20:57
I, I'm having a really hard time lately.
20:58
My thing has been like doing recovery shit that I don't
21:02
necessarily want to do, but also just like life shit, you know,
21:05
showing up. It's gotten easier because I've
21:07
been praying about it, talking about it, opening up about it,
21:10
that I find that really helpful too.
21:12
Just like even talking with another, anybody but another
21:15
addict or alcoholic about what I'm struggling with.
21:17
It takes the power away from it, right.
21:18
But I, I have this thing where I'm like, oh, you know, I have
21:22
to leave my comfortable apartment to go and do this
21:25
thing, whatever, meeting, whatever, even just like dinner,
21:29
something that doesn't serve me right, something that I don't
21:31
get immediate gratification, instant gratification out of.
21:35
And it's like, I'll obsess about it all day.
21:39
Like I have to do this thing later.
21:40
Oh my God, I have to do it. I can't, you know, I don't want
21:42
to do it, blah, blah, blah. And so I heard once, I heard a
21:46
speaker once say that the only solution to doing something you
21:50
don't feel like doing is doing it is action.
21:56
Straight up action. Just shut the fuck up.
21:58
Like turn this off for a second and just get in the car and
22:01
drive or walk to the bus or do whatever you have to do and it
22:05
goes away. That's not like, that's not the
22:07
answer I want to hear, right? But it's true.
22:09
Like it's fucking true. It gets easier as you do it,
22:11
right, the more you do it. What does your shirt say?
22:13
I've been wondering. Get comfortable being.
22:15
Uncomfortable. I love it.
22:16
What I'm saying, I love this. Is what recovery is all.
22:18
About this too shall pass, yeah. This is what I discovered
22:22
recovery in 2020, yeah. That's a beautiful.
22:26
You got that made. Yeah, I love that.
22:27
Yeah. Yeah.
22:27
That's sick. But yeah, it's all about forcing
22:33
ourselves to do the things we don't want to do.
22:35
It's like when I don't want to go to a meeting, that's probably
22:38
what I should go to a meeting. When I don't want to share,
22:40
that's probably what I should share, right?
22:42
I listen to a lot of Goggins. David Goggins.
22:45
Love that guy. Right, And he's like, cuz I,
22:50
we're the book says that I'm always looking for the sense of
22:53
ease and comfort, right? And that's how it's been my
22:55
whole life, right? If it was uncomfortable, I would
22:57
turn the other way. Like every job I had, you know,
23:00
there was like no growth, right? I just get comfortable and, and
23:04
stay like that, right? And that's, this is what
23:07
recovery is all about, right? Forcing ourselves to do the
23:09
things we don't want to do, right?
23:11
I don't always want to sponsor someone.
23:14
I don't always want to go to a meeting, you know, and I don't
23:18
always want to go to the gym, right?
23:21
But we force ourselves to do the things we're not supposed to do.
23:23
And by doing that, that's how we get God's, God's grace, right?
23:27
Do a little bit of work and God does the rest right.
23:33
When life lifes you today, how do you get through it?
23:38
How do you get through tough time?
23:39
How do you get through the trials in low spots like in the
23:41
moment? I have to, I don't know how to
23:50
live life, right? I have a design for Living,
23:51
which is a big book, right? And it tells me when all else
23:55
fails, one addict working with another addict will save the
23:58
day, right? It's all about getting on
24:00
itself, right? And we have step four, we have
24:06
step 10 to continue take personal inventory and we have
24:09
step like nightly inventory, right?
24:12
And it tells us on page 62 that selfishness, self certainness
24:16
that we think is the root of all the troubles, right?
24:18
And we get driven by this illness.
24:25
Yeah, I know it's all about using picking up the spiritual
24:27
toolkit, right? Hit hit a meeting, right?
24:31
Ten step suggestion says when these things prop up at once, we
24:35
go to God, right? That means fast, right?
24:37
Then we discuss it with someone immediately, right?
24:40
Fellowship. This is a we program for a
24:41
reason. And if we have to apologize,
24:44
then we we do it right away, right?
24:47
And then we turn ourselves into helping others, right?
24:53
That was a that's a big one for me.
24:55
So I when I relapsed after the 7 1/2 years I didn't, I didn't go
24:59
to anyone with with my plan right.
25:01
And I always stress this. I always try to nail home the
25:05
calling another addict or alcoholic.
25:07
I'm not trust me, I'm flawed in it.
25:09
Like I I still my phone is 1000 lbs some days, right?
25:12
Even when people are calling me in the program, I struggle to
25:14
pick it up or outside of the program because I'm busy or I'm
25:18
you know all this bullshit. Again, this this story spinning
25:20
in my head. I can't stress enough how
25:22
important it is to like whenever I have a a grand idea based out
25:27
of emotion right? For me, it was at the time it
25:30
was I'm bored in recovery. My life is good, but it's not
25:35
what I want it to be, right? I'm not getting what I want.
25:37
This was, you know, last year. I know it'll fix this.
25:41
I haven't tried taking ADHD medication as prescribed, which
25:45
is bullshit. I did try and that's how I got
25:47
back into the second rehab. And I remember, I remember
25:52
vividly like having this plan in my head and it wasn't like a
25:54
quick I, it wasn't like a, this will fix this relapse.
25:58
Boom. It was a, it was a process,
26:00
right? The relapse always proceeds.
26:02
They talk about it in the book too.
26:03
That proceeds with a thought. There's always a a, a thought.
26:06
There's always leading up to right?
26:08
We relapse with a thought before we relapse of the drink.
26:11
And that was my thing. It was like, I'm going to fix
26:13
this. I have, you know, I'm, I'm
26:14
depressed. My my dopamine is low.
26:16
So this will fix it. Again, to your point, using
26:19
external things to fix my insides, right?
26:22
And I never told anyone about it.
26:23
I would tell people 90% of the truth and I would keep that 10%
26:26
back there that took me out back on a way worse relapse, right?
26:30
It always gets worse, man, Always.
26:32
So I, I, I think it's really important, yeah.
26:35
Yeah, Disease centers in our mind, right?
26:38
It starts off with a thought and then it becomes an obsession,
26:42
right? And but The thing is like
26:44
there's nothing we can do about the first thought, but we got to
26:47
stop it, right? The second thought and go down
26:50
to the solution, which is God or your higher power, right?
26:54
And everything around the triangle is meetings, service,
26:58
prayer, fellowship, sponsoring honesty, right?
27:02
All of these things are are our solution is treatment to our
27:06
illness, right? But the big book says we're not
27:09
going to be inspired at all times and we are going to make
27:12
mistakes, right? It says when we take a sincere
27:15
position to trust in God's will, all sorts of remarkable things
27:18
will follow, right? And this is to say, we do this
27:20
thing perfectly. It says we do things well,
27:23
right? And there's a lot of growth in
27:25
all these certain trials in low spots, right?
27:29
Can you think of 1 where where there was a lot of growth, where
27:32
you in the moment, maybe in the moment you thought it was the
27:35
worst thing ever and the sky was falling and the outcome turned
27:39
out to be better than than it was?
27:40
Can you? Can you remember what?
27:41
Yeah. OK, so my first year of
27:47
sobriety, you know, I joined this group and it's my first
27:51
time in recovery. I found my tribe.
27:53
I love this group. Right.
27:55
And I did a lot of service for this group.
27:57
You know, I I did the clothing, I did the posters.
28:01
I was so welcoming to the newcomers.
28:02
I started my own gratitude meeting.
28:04
You know, I love this group, but was I doing all that stuff for
28:07
that group? That's what my head was telling
28:09
me, right? I just came from a dark place
28:12
and into recovery and I wanted people to like me, right?
28:17
So yeah, again, 62 second paragraph.
28:20
Selfishness, self centeredness that we think is the root of all
28:22
our troubles, right? So I made decisions based on
28:25
self arouse character defects on my fellows and they kicked me
28:29
out the group after my one year medallion.
28:31
Right. Wow.
28:32
And I'm like, they kicked you out.
28:34
Holy. Yeah, right.
28:36
And I had the biggest resentment, right?
28:39
I'm like, how can I do this to me?
28:40
I did this so, so much stuff for them, right?
28:42
But this is a program of giving and wanting nothing in return.
28:46
And when people harm us, the big book says we disregard the other
28:49
person entirely and we look towards ourselves and see where
28:52
we went wrong. But I was a working program,
28:54
right? Recovery is unity recovery and
28:58
service, right? I was doing unity and service
29:00
and I wasn't doing the steps, right.
29:03
And what resentment is the number one offender that
29:06
destroys us, right? So I went back out, you know,
29:08
for seven months, right? On that resentment.
29:13
On that resentment, yeah, wow. But today I'm grateful that I
29:20
got kicked out of that group because of what it is today,
29:22
right? I got back into the rooms by the
29:25
grace of God and I, I did the steps, right?
29:29
And now I'm now it's all about living the steps, you know, and
29:32
by working a program and connecting to a power greater
29:35
than yourselves, you know, this and putting yourself into
29:38
service in return, you get beautiful, meaningful
29:41
relationships and it just keep coming and coming, right?
29:45
And I wouldn't have met all these people if I I don't know
29:49
if I was part of that group still, right?
29:53
Yeah. But The thing is, right.
29:55
I, I would always blame them for what happened, right?
29:59
But I would, I would never look at my part, right.
30:02
And the sick man's prayer, right?
30:04
This was our course. We realized people who wronged
30:06
us were perhaps spiritually sick, though we didn't like
30:08
their symptoms and the way they disturbed us.
30:10
They, like ourselves, were sick too.
30:12
We asked God to help show us the same thoughts.
30:14
Pity in patients that would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
30:16
When a person offends us, we said to ourselves, this is a
30:19
sick person. How can I be helpful to them?
30:21
God see me for being angry, thy will be done So for so long that
30:27
resentment in my head was like brewing, right?
30:30
And I would just have like visions of like what would
30:32
happen if I saw these people, right?
30:34
I just felt so hated and rejected for getting kicked out,
30:37
right? But God presented that moment at
30:42
the right time. And when I saw them, I just gave
30:45
them a big hug, right? And that's the program right
30:49
there, right? That's the that's the psyche
30:51
change, you know? Yeah.
30:53
Being able to love unconditionally, right?
30:55
Yeah. What was that seven months like
30:57
for you, that relapse, and how did you get back in?
31:02
So that seven months was, yeah, I hung out with a bunch of
31:09
people that I I've met in recovery, right.
31:12
And you know, the behaviors, right?
31:16
It's just sketchy. Just every single day, right?
31:21
It just came to the point where I had no money left.
31:25
My family was going to abandon me.
31:27
All my friends never already stopped talking to me, you know?
31:31
And I had two options, right? Plotting the consciousness of my
31:37
tolerable situation with anything that makes me feel
31:39
good, right? With drugs, alcohol.
31:40
And I was about to, like, live on the streets or accept
31:43
spiritual help, right? So yeah, I had to be pretty
31:47
badly mangled before getting into these rooms, right?
31:49
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm happy you got back in.
31:52
I mean, I know for me, coming back in was probably one of the
31:56
hardest things I've done, you know, in my life.
31:59
It just seemed like it seemed like such a big mountain to
32:03
climb to get back. In it was like for me, I didn't.
32:07
It was the scary thing for me was getting sober.
32:09
It's like, I was like thinking about like the withdrawals and
32:13
life without drugs and alcohol and all that stuff, right?
32:16
But again, that's our disease that that that that centers in
32:18
my mind. Right wants to keep us sick.
32:21
I didn't think, I honestly knew I had to get back in the rooms,
32:24
but I didn't think I could actually do it, right.
32:28
So the first thing I did was I went to the CA convention,
32:31
right? I was four days clean and I went
32:33
to the CA convention convention and I was trying to find like a
32:37
God squad, like fellowship, right?
32:39
Because I, I didn't think I could stay sober without that
32:42
group, that I was part of it. I love that group, right?
32:45
And I just didn't think recovery was ever possible to get back
32:47
in, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
32:49
What's the biggest gift you've received in recovery?
32:52
Like what? What?
32:52
What is getting sober and being sober and being of service?
32:56
What? What is the greatest gift?
33:01
The greatest gift is the ability to be of service and be helpful.
33:05
You know, I couldn't be helpful to anyone.
33:06
I couldn't be helpful to myself and but not only that, right,
33:14
helping others helps ourselves, right?
33:16
Our very lives depend on helping others, right?
33:20
And that's the greatest gift. You know, I with my past, you
33:25
know, I, it's crazy. It says in the big book, our our
33:29
dark past is the greatest possession we have, right?
33:35
And I, I would just ignore my past, put it on the carpet,
33:39
never want to think about my past, right?
33:42
And now I'm here sharing my experience, strength and hope
33:44
you know, and hopefully it can help at least one person, right?
33:48
Yeah, so that's what we say, right?
33:50
What's what do you, what do you hope that one person gets out of
33:53
your story? Like what do you hope people get
33:55
out of here? When you Share your story, What
33:56
do you hope people get out of it?
34:02
I just want them to to know that whatever you did in the past,
34:07
your past doesn't define you, right?
34:10
We have a, we're all dealing with this illness and if you're
34:16
alive right now, you have a chance to do better, right?
34:22
Like I said, our past becomes our greatest asset and we use
34:24
that to help others and just want them to know that their
34:28
love wanted and needed. And to be honest, like what
34:32
would we do if we didn't have anyone to help, right?
34:36
If we couldn't be of service and we couldn't work with another
34:38
addict, You know what I'm saying?
34:39
Because that's pretty much the solution, right?
34:43
Yeah, we'd be fucked. I mean, I always say this, but I
34:46
was AI was a taker my whole life in addiction.
34:49
Take, take, take. What can I get out of this
34:50
situation? Conditional acceptance, right?
34:53
Yeah, Yeah, I'll do that. But I need something out of it,
34:55
right? And then I come in and I become
34:58
a giver, You know, I still take a lot.
35:01
But my point with all that is like, you can't have givers
35:06
without takers, you know what I mean?
35:08
Like, you need to have both sides, right?
35:10
So any days that it feels like I'm taking a lot, somebody's
35:14
giving, right? So it's like, I try to think
35:16
like that too. It's like you need both, right?
35:18
You need to have both sides. And that's why the newcomer is
35:21
the most important person in any situation meeting whatever,
35:25
because I need to give away what was so freely given to me, and
35:29
then they can in turn do it to someone else, right?
35:32
It's this beautiful cycle that this sort of happens in
35:34
recovery, you know? Yeah, there's a lot of like, no,
35:38
that's OK. You don't have to give me.
35:39
But at the same time, that person that's giving you
35:42
something is trying to work the spiritual principles of like
35:45
being generous, right? Being kindness, right?
35:47
And sometimes you can't, We can. But like, I I wouldn't want to
35:51
rob them from from from giving, right and expecting nothing in
35:55
return, right? But I understand I was a taker
35:58
my whole life too, bro. Like I wouldn't I would give and
36:01
expect something in return, right?
36:03
And this is recovery is like my sponsor would say, don't even
36:08
expect to thank you. You know what I'm saying?
36:10
Yeah, right. It's a lot easier to live that
36:12
way, too. It's a lot freeing.
36:14
Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments.
36:17
You know, If I'm always expecting something or looking
36:20
at outcomes, I'm going to be let down no matter what.
36:23
Yeah, that person, place thing, situation is gonna let me down
36:25
because I'm not getting it the way I want, Right?
36:28
Yeah. So now you're working at a sober
36:31
house. Now how did you get into that
36:34
and what's that like? Well, that's a miracle to me
36:40
that I'm a house manager at a sober living house.
36:43
You know, to be honest, I, I knew some of the guys for, for
36:52
some time, but like coming into the, the sober living house is
36:57
like a whole new world to me, right?
36:59
Like I've been all over like CA and a a but like coming into
37:02
this is like a whole new world of like recovery.
37:07
So I moved in right away and slowly I brought my stuff in and
37:11
when I got there, we had a meeting.
37:15
And the first, the first thing I said to the guys, like they
37:18
introduced me, like house manager and I, I just said it's
37:22
a blessing and an honor to be here, you know, and I'm here to
37:25
help in any way I can. You know what I'm saying?
37:29
To me, it's still a miracle that I, that I, I'm there.
37:33
It's such a blessing to be around all that all the time,
37:38
right? I'm supposed to be helpful to
37:41
the guys. But when you help someone, it's
37:43
helping you too, right? And being around these, these
37:48
guys, these newcomers all the time, It's it's been really
37:52
vital in my in me working my program, right?
37:57
Yeah. So I'm very grateful.
37:58
For that, right, it's, it's got to be tough though, too, right?
38:00
Because as we know, as I know in sober living, there's a lot of
38:04
relapse that happens. There's a lot of, you know,
38:08
there's a lot of addiction, you know, plain and simple, right?
38:10
There's just a lot of addiction that happens and how do you deal
38:13
with that? And like, how does it affect
38:15
like how, what does that look like?
38:16
How is that? How does that affect you?
38:20
Well, there's different, all types of sobriety in there,
38:22
different ages, different people that want it more people that
38:26
are not serious about it, right? And to be honest, I have to just
38:30
really work spiritual principles and all my affairs, right?
38:33
If people are not serious about it, there's just nothing you
38:36
could do about that, right? They, they, they have to come to
38:40
want it, right? But for me, like it's, I have to
38:46
be in spiritual fake condition because if I'm in self like I, I
38:50
get, I'm dealing with it. I'm sick too, right?
38:52
And it's nothing good comes out of being in self, right?
38:56
I'm not useful or, you know, I'm useless.
39:02
Have you had any relapses that you had to deal with that were
39:04
really tough like or anything like that or?
39:07
Well, that one relapse when I went out with that resentment
39:09
for getting kicked out of that group, which became a blessing
39:11
at the end, I had no intentions of going back out.
39:17
But yeah, I went back out seven months, came back in, you know?
39:22
What about the clients? I mean like the clients like
39:25
dealing with relapse in the house.
39:26
That's gotta be tough, isn't it? Or.
39:29
Yeah, old clients in the house, yeah, yeah, I mean.
39:37
You don't have to go into details, but like I just, it
39:40
must be tough to to see someone that you get a relationship with
39:44
go back out and then you got to deal with it.
39:46
Because I remember when I lived at sober living, I've been to
39:50
to, I've been a few Times Now. It was tough to see someone go
39:54
back out right. And it's like you can't get
39:56
dragged down with them. You can't let it affect your
39:58
sobriety. You can't control it, you can't
40:00
cure it. You didn't 'cause it right?
40:03
But like, it must be tough. It's, it all comes down to like
40:08
doing the work, right. If we're not working this
40:10
program, we're going to, we're going to go back out.
40:13
In my early recovery, I, I would get really like, it would be
40:19
really hard for me to see my friends go out, you know, but
40:24
now that I have more, a little bit more time and I have a
40:27
design for living, you know, it's, it says the big book.
40:32
If they don't want it, you know you have to.
40:35
You have to. Don't waste your time trying to
40:39
sway them because we we may ruin a later opportunity for them,
40:43
right? A new bottom right.
40:45
Yeah, So what I the only way I can really help people that
40:48
don't really want it is pray for them, right?
40:51
And nothing. Absolutely nothing happens in
40:54
God's world by mistake, right? And everyone is going through
40:56
whatever they're going through to get to wherever they're going
41:00
to, right? Wherever they need to go.
41:03
I love that. Yeah, it's true.
41:05
You talk a lot about faith and spirituality, and that's been a
41:08
real eye opener for me too. Because human, what does it say?
41:12
Human aid will fail us, right? Like no matter what could be the
41:15
nicest person in the world, they will let you down at some point,
41:18
and not intentionally. It's just the way it is.
41:20
So I need a power greater than myself to rely on.
41:23
What is faith in spirituality? God, what does that look like to
41:25
you today? Well, pray step 11, right?
41:33
Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our
41:37
conscious contact with God, right?
41:38
Does it say maintain, right? And I, I follow the book, right?
41:45
Like what we have is a daily reprieve upon awakening, right?
41:48
Think about the 24 hours ahead throughout the day.
41:51
I always have to turn my will, right, my thinking and my life,
41:56
my actions over the care of God. I just thank God, right?
41:59
Taking an action, I love that. Yeah, when I'm agitated at work,
42:02
when I because I do landscaping too, right?
42:07
I have to turn my my will by thinking, right?
42:09
And I, I put gratitude into action.
42:12
And what does that look like? Doing a good job doing it to the
42:16
best of my ability, right? Because if I, there are days
42:19
where I'm just at work and I just want to get it over with,
42:22
you know? And no, it practices these
42:26
spiritual principles and all our affairs, right?
42:31
I'll be honest, I'm not always on top of my prayers, you know,
42:34
and it's all about consistency, right?
42:38
And being disciplined and just doing it like you hear, like the
42:42
old timers, like, you know, like Eric, he's like he's consistent,
42:46
right? But he's been around for a long
42:47
time, right? And it says we, we have to make
42:50
it use of their experience, right?
42:55
Yeah. What's the what would you say is
42:58
the best piece of advice you got in recovery, either early
43:01
recovery or now? Best piece of advice that I ever
43:05
got in recovery. Let me ask you that question.
43:10
I just immediately my brain goes to Jay, right?
43:16
And Alan always, there's so much, right?
43:19
There's so much. But Alan always says, and he
43:23
quotes Jay when he says this is like, you know, if I don't know
43:30
if there's anything that precedes it, But he always says
43:33
try a little harder and stay a little longer, right?
43:36
And I love that it's so true. It's like if, if, if you're
43:39
going through a really rough time and you're having a hard
43:42
time getting sober, staying sober and you just can't figure
43:45
it out, try a little harder and stay a little longer, right?
43:49
Don't give up. You know, and I love that it's,
43:50
it's so true as like even in recovery, you know, having 7 1/2
43:54
years, all those tools that are still there, I didn't lose all
43:57
those tools. I lost the time.
43:58
I didn't even lose the time. I won't say that, but it was
44:01
really hard, man. It was really hard to come back
44:04
in and tell my my group that I had one day like I started
44:07
bawling my eyes. I can vividly remember I was
44:09
chairing a meeting at my Home group and I had just gone out.
44:13
I had, I had just accepted my relapse because it had been
44:16
going on for a while, but I didn't see this alcoholic addict
44:20
thinking was telling me that I hadn't relapsed yet because I
44:23
didn't drink and I was doing ADHD medication and it was
44:26
prescribed. Meanwhile, I'm buying it on the
44:28
dark web and taking all sorts of meths and shit like that.
44:31
It was really hard to, again, step one, getting honest was
44:34
really hard. And I remember that, you know,
44:35
they announced buddy, you know, 30 days, everyone claps 20 days
44:40
goes around the room and it's coming to me and I see it coming
44:42
to me and I'm just like, holy fuck.
44:45
My sponsor recommended that I that I do that.
44:47
But I, you know, admit my relapse and I was so scared.
44:50
I just remember coming to me. My name is Anthony.
44:53
I'm an addict alcoholic, and I have one day, and I just started
44:56
bawling my eyes out in front of all these men, this room of men,
44:59
and I'll never forget it. I had maybe six or seven people
45:02
as that was happening, get out of their fucking seat, come over
45:05
to me and just hug me. And then my sponsor, Ken, you
45:08
know, he leaned in and he goes, hey, man, do you want me to take
45:12
over? Like.
45:13
And I'm like, no, I have to do this like this.
45:15
Good. Yeah.
45:15
I didn't get sober right after that because again, we need to
45:18
bang our head a few more times and do some more research and
45:21
scrape our knee. But there was a big seed planted
45:23
that day, and that was that I could be vulnerable in a room
45:27
full of men, in a room full of anyone in recovery.
45:29
It was a shift. It was a shift and I'm going to
45:32
get accepted. I'm going to be OK and people
45:34
are going to love me where I'm at.
45:35
No one's going to judge me. And you fucking idiot, you had
45:38
eight, but how did you do that? You know what I mean?
45:39
People always ask me, people that are working really good
45:42
programs will always come up to me and be like, hey, like, how
45:45
did you relapse? And I know that you're working a
45:47
good program if you ask me that because you don't want to go
45:49
back out and relapse. And that's why I always share my
45:51
experience about relapse. And it's so important because if
45:55
you have long term sobriety, even if you have short term, but
45:58
if you have long term sobriety and you think that you it'll
46:01
never be a part of your story, fucking give your head a shake,
46:06
right? Because it, it, I wasn't
46:09
expecting it. I was on fucking cloud 9 in
46:11
recovery in 7 1/2 years, met my wife.
46:14
Life was amazing, dude. It was amazing.
46:16
And I never thought that relapse would be a part of my story.
46:18
I thought that I would be that that guy that, you know, went
46:21
one time through. And I'm happy it happened
46:22
because to your point, out of the pain came spiritual growth,
46:26
a lot of spiritual growth and a new connection with my, my
46:29
higher power. And I realized that my higher
46:31
power never went anywhere. He was there the whole time
46:34
watching me struggle. I just didn't tap into them.
46:36
I didn't plug, plug the. I didn't put the plug in the
46:41
jug. Right.
46:42
I have to do that today. So that's probably the best.
46:45
There's so much, but yeah. There's so much, you know.
46:48
Page 417 Acceptance is the key to all my problems.
46:52
I need not to concentrate what needs to be changed in the
46:54
world, but what needs to be changed in me.
46:56
I love that so much because every time I get pissed off or
47:00
agitated, you know, that just shows me that I have to look
47:03
inward and that shows me that I need to work on myself, right?
47:08
It's not that person. It's the symptoms that we don't
47:10
like, right? And there's another part of the
47:13
big book on 1/16. It goes like this.
47:17
These experiences by land out says like fears, harm,
47:20
resentments. Whatever you're going through
47:22
may come to you, or you may already had it several times.
47:25
Should it happen again, regarded in a different light, maybe
47:29
it'll prove a blessing. Time after time.
47:31
The superior calamity has been a boon.
47:35
It's line out a gift, a blessing, for it led to the
47:39
discovery of God, right? Love that.
47:44
So my best advice, I heard a speaker say this.
47:49
His spots always told him to go to God, go to God, go to God, go
47:53
to God, go to God, and then go to God and then go to God, go to
47:57
God, go to God, go to God and then go to God.
48:00
You know what I'm saying? Go to God for everything.
48:02
Man, that's the best piece of advice I ever got.
48:07
Yeah, cuz I can't do it on my own, right?
48:09
Exactly. Let's end with this.
48:12
You have a poem that you wanted to read.
48:14
Is it a poem? Is that?
48:16
Is that what it is? Yeah.
48:17
So this is I call this one I the attic right?
48:21
You have it off the Dome, OK, Of course you do.
48:23
I thought you were going to pull it out and read.
48:25
It let's hear it. It's called I the Attic and I
48:28
don't write, right? Maybe it's something I could do.
48:32
You know, there's a lot of stuff that you discover being a
48:34
sobriety. You know, that's why it's
48:36
courage to change the things we can, right?
48:38
We don't even know what we're capable of, right?
48:40
Anyways, I read this poem to one of my friends and he's like,
48:46
where do you think that came from, right?
48:48
And he's like God, right? So this is before I did the
48:53
steps, OK? This is when I first got back
48:55
into the rooms, OK. And it goes like this, such a
49:00
roller coaster of emotion. Some days being sober, should I
49:03
feel comfortable? I don't.
49:05
Last year I felt suicidal. This year, if I do something
49:08
different, like talking to God more, I'm feeling frustrated.
49:11
I need to quit the disturbance in my head, even as a position,
49:14
like a sniper unpatiently waiting for that slip to kill
49:16
their prey, I see despair in hate.
49:18
Mentally locked behind bars of no fate, I dance with the devil,
49:22
receiving nothing but hatred. On another next level, Lois of a
49:25
low is going to have lost my soul all alone, feeling nothing
49:28
but exposed. It was me that made the pick up.
49:30
It was me that made the drop off, it was me that made this
49:33
addiction an incurable disease. Lord forgive me, Higher power.
49:35
God, please set me free. It's not a want, it's a need.
49:38
I the addict, it's a routine. It's been a bad habit ever since
49:41
16. Losing my mind, nightmares and
49:43
my dreams. Thinking of the days when I was
49:46
adoc servant, haunting me, watching me, being very
49:49
observant. I was so selfish, so cold and
49:50
rebellious. Laughing at me like a clown in
49:52
the circus. The sickness is fierce for me,
49:54
my new purpose. They got me so close that I
49:56
think I resurface. They love it.
49:57
Right now I'm so shaky and nervous.
50:00
I'm conquering this fear of proving that I'm not worthless.
50:02
But I'm still confused. Was it really psychosis?
50:06
I was a war in my head, intentions of being dead.
50:08
I could look at my face and I'd see that look of disgrace.
50:10
It was me that wanted that sip. It was me that wanted that hit.
50:13
It was me that wanted that trip. It was me that was a piece of it
50:16
was me that made this addiction and incurable disease.
50:19
Lord forgive me. Hire power of God please.
50:21
I get triggered and that's the reality.
50:23
Regretting it, that would just be blasphemy.
50:26
But sometimes I can't help it. It's something I have to deal
50:28
with, that attic mind. Even in peaceful places, those
50:30
demons still lurk, feeding off you when you feel bad, broken or
50:32
hurt. I'll stand on my resilience no
50:34
matter what they say. I was so close to death.
50:36
That was the price I had to pay. So I raised my hands to the sky
50:39
and remembrance, the Most High whose powers I might kind of
50:41
compare, quantify. It's me that has to live with no
50:44
regrets. It's me that has to ask God to
50:46
remove all these character defects.
50:47
It's me that has to fully surrender, do the work and live
50:51
the 12 steps. Thanks for letting me share.
50:55
I love it. I'm feeling like we should
50:58
fucking drop that down and record it over there.
51:02
I love that man. Thanks so much for coming down
51:03
bro. I appreciate you buddy.
51:05
Thanks bro. Thanks for having me, man.
51:07
I love what you do, man. Keep doing what you're doing.
51:09
Thank you. It's helping, man.
51:11
It's helping others, man. I.
51:12
Appreciate you, buddy. Thank you.
51:13
Like you said, it's not easy to like, reach out to people and
51:16
stuff like that, right? So yeah.
51:17
Love you bro, you can do it. Thanks for listening.
51:20
Please help us grow the channel and like share.
51:23
And subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories
51:26
shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational
51:29
purposes only. This content is not a substitute
51:32
for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy.
51:36
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction,
51:39
please consult A licensed physician, addiction specialist,
51:42
or mental health professional. You are no longer alone.