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"How Social Media Affects Relationships (More Than You Think)" · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome back, wonderful listeners.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Roxanne, and I am your host.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about something that has become a third person in a lot of relationships.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And no, I'm not talking about another person.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about social media and how it affects relationships.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Professor.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Some relationships have three people involved.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: You, your partner, and that little phone sitting between the two of you.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we can be sitting right next to our partner while texting 50 other people we don't even know.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, we know what our partner liked, but not know or ask how they're feeling.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's going on?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to do?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, before we get any further, I want to welcome the one who you just heard clapping, my co-host, the professor.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, professor.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh MG.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, this is gonna be a good one.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: This we talk about this a lot in our other podcasts.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: About yes.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna tell you right now, listeners, we talk about this topic probably every day.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, we see it every day.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: You can be out walking, you could be in a coffee shop, and you will see couples not even looking at each other.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Saw that in breakfast this morning.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: Don't get me started.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm gonna give a big shout out to all the listeners.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: Listeners, thank you guys for all the love and support.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_03: You guys are amazing.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: You rock.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: And if you want to join one of our meet and greets, we don't post it.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: I have to keep saying this.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: I know in every podcast is that, but I gotta keep saying it because people keep messaging me.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: And um, why don't you post it?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: We don't post it because we're limited seating.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: And we keep the group small.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: So if you're interested, send us an email.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: We'll tell you location, where, what time, and that way you can join, come and join us.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: We ask you not to repost it.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: And that way we keep the group small, intimate, and we can answer way more questions with having a group of 15, 20, 25, as opposed to 16, 100 people.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: Well, thank you.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for that.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, you're welcome.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm just such a great guy, aren't I?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you are.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: I am super.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the the We should start texting each other through the podcast, you know.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's not gonna work, and it's not gonna happen.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, folks, this is this is the topic.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Let's do this.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the first first point I want to make out is so about social media and unrealistic expectations.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest problems is comparison.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: People post vacations, dinners, birthdays, everything you can imagine on social media.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you you won't see a post about a 45-minute argument about whose turn it is to go shopping.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll see everything else.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And again, we're talking about how social media affects relationships.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Big time.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: We see relationships unfold on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and compare to our own relationships.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: We're at coffee this morning.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: We met up for coffee this morning, and we're in line, and the person in front of us is on their gram.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta say it right.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's not Instagram, it's on the gram.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, or IG.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, on IG.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: And head down, everybody in front of them's gone, and they're still standing there.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: I I've had to tap that person like to hello.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: And the woman is asking what coffee, and they're still, come on.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, on the social media.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's so rude.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: We get so crazy about social media.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: Even jobs now are saying you gotta turn your phone off or turn your phone in.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Because they're getting sick of it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what you see on social media is not real.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's that's the point that I wanted to make.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: That you know, you see, yeah, you see uh you want to compare people, other people's relationships, that's on Facebook, to your own, and you you start wondering, uh talk to your partner.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: What what why don't we go on vacations?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Look at uh Fred and and and Jane.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they're they're in the Bahamas.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then, or why don't why why you never take me out to fancy restaurants because what you're seeing is you're seeing them post their food, the the restaurant that they're in, and and all and how fancy it looks.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you start comparing you to to your own life with your partner.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's not good.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the the point I want to make is social media shows what people want you to see, not what's really going on with their relationships.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Fantasy land.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: They could have they they could have been in the Bahamas and maybe not even speak to each other and just took a couple of shots, maybe yeah.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: A couple of selfies and the pictures of their food, and I had a really lousy time.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, social media was a place for where people could get information, and now it's just turned into nonsense.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you see on social media uh somebody was telling me, oh, so-and-so died the other day.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I got it on Facebook.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: Oh God, do you really believe stuff you see on Facebook?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Stuff.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: You you you've got this beautiful woman on Facebook, and you slide in her DMs, and you think, oh my gosh, she's beautiful.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: Uh yeah.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: AI touch up and everything else.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: And and then, yeah, that's really not who you think it is.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, especially with AI now.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And and then here's here's a real real situation.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's a couple, and above the couple's head reads this caption, two peas in a pod.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But in reality, they haven't spoken a word to each other since yesterday's argument about putting the toilet seat down.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: Two peas in a pod.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: Stop living your life through social media.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: Social media is not where you should be living your life.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: People put their business out on social media, it is insane.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they put everything out.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have likes, comments, and followers can become relationship issues.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because some sometimes as simple as a like can become evidence in a relationship investigation.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: We've said this before.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: If you're married and your partner is putting sexy pictures up on Facebook or wherever their Instagram or whatever, that's craving attention.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's not that's not the type of person that you want in your life.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: Because if they're getting attention from outside, all it does is pull the attention away from what's in your own home.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: Social media, as far as I'm concerned, we have buried our lives in social media in this re this fake reality that doesn't exist.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: Have a real conversation.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: Put your phone, I've said this numerous times.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: If you go out someone on a date and what you're part with someone that you're you're trying to get to know, and they're on their phone constantly, then you need to just drop your fork, pay your part of the meal, and leave.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: I I I brought you out to have dinner and you're on your phone.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's happened.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: We've we've we've uh we've seen we've we've experienced that uh you know with with couples where we see that.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: Well, do you remember the time we went out to eat and then there was these two young couples and they're both on their phones?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: We couldn't help it, and we went over there and sat next to them.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: We sat next to them and say, and we told them we said, listen, we're relationship coach, this isn't working.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's not healthy.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: And believe it or not, it was a great conversation that we laughed, you know.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: They they said that you know they they don't know what to say to each other.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to have a conversation, right?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's the problem.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then again, uh as I was saying before, when your partner likes something or someone on on a social media, and then they're asking, why did you like let's let's use the guy why did you like her picture?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then he might respond, I just liked the picture.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then she might even say, You don't just like pictures.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now a full-on FBI investigation is just getting started over a heart emoji.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So the the point I want to make too is the problem isn't the social media activity alone.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's what's what the activity represents to the partner disrespect, insecurity, secrecy, or a lack of boundaries.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's the solution.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe couples need to discuss appropriate online expectations.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think, Professor?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: You couldn't say any better than I could right there.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: If you're in a relationship, then there's just like if you're getting to know somebody, then if you're learning about someone, hey, you can go on their social media, you can see all about their business.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: A lot.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Their social media skills say they're in a relationship with their girlfriend, their previous girlfriend, all this stuff.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, it social media will be the death of most relationships because we've put all of our business out there for the world to see.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: So you can post, but post about, you know, oh, I had a great meal last night, and here's a picture.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's fine.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: But when you put down, oh, my my boyfriend, my girlfriend uh ain't shit, and and you know, she's seen someone else and you're cussing them out and calling on this.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's yeah, that you're putting a lot out there.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: And and and then the next day, oh I love her, oh, I love him, it's so nice.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: Wait a minute.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: The last post you said that there were dirt.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: That yeah.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, but stop living your life through social media.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Learn to communicate because that's what a lot of you gotta do, is learn to communicate.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: And these young couples said they didn't know what to say to each other.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: Because they don't know how to have a conversation because everything they do is through social media.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, you're getting a little excited about this topic.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: I I do know this is the more because I see the damage that it does.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: It does, it does, and that's why we that's why we're you know, sometimes guys they're going through social media and they see a picture of the girl and they just like it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: There's nothing behind it, they just because it's there, they just like it.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: It just it just popped up.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: Because they don't think about the consequences that come off, they just like it, you know?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right, because some sometimes you're getting feeds from people that you know, and their feeds will just kind of pop on yours, and yeah.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: And then you like it.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's cool.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you may not even know who the person is, and yep, FBI and then we go FBI investigation.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: You're sitting there and you're watching your favorite cartoon, and next thing you know, uh, who's this girl?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: Picture you like.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: What are you talking about?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: Guys don't even remember that stuff.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, another another point I want to make is social media can create jealousy or suspicion, as we're we're just talking.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: With social media, it's very easy to monitor each other's activity.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Who's following my partner?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Who's commenting on my partner's post?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Who liked my partner's picture?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why did my partner start following someone new?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or why was my partner online at 2 a.m.?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can a lot of social medias you can see if someone's online.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this one, what about this one?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they see my post?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And they didn't even respond.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: So Oh, I got a oh, I got a good one for that one.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: Uh this is about, I don't know, a year ago, young couple.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: She was upset that she'd posted an outfit that'd gone out for the evening, and she had posted it, and she said he looked at it because I was right next to him when he was looking, and he didn't even comment.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, Well, I was there, I was with you.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I saw it, you look beautiful.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: What did I have to comment on it for?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: And they had they were having issues.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: She felt like he didn't love her and he didn't.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because he didn't comment on comment on your dang post.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he was there.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: He was with you.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's funny.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: People aren't dating anymore.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're conducting surveillance.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't need to be a PI to be someone's partner.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But now here's the thing: trust won't survive when one partner always feels that they have to investigate the other.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships require co communication and transparency, not constant digital surveillance.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: You if your relationship is based off of checking them out, constantly looking at their their their Instagram and Facebook and all that stupid nonsense, then what's the point?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: You you then and then Dobby, you're you're not trusting.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're not living life.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not communicating.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna see what he um I saw him on his phone.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go to his page and see what he's posting.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you know the worst ones?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's the friends.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, did you see his post?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_03: Or did you see her post?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: And then you got those messy friends.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: They may have seen them at the bar or the club.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: Oli was with or she was with with friends.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: Next thing you know, oh yeah, did you see so-and-so at the club?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: Did you see so-and-so at the bar?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: And here's the drama go.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, privacy versus secrecy.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is important for couples to talk about because there's a difference between having privacy or having something to hide.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't don't get us wrong, everyone is entitled to some privacy or personal space.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: But secrecy, when it involves conversations, friendships, or behavior that would hurt your partner if discovered, now that's different.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Secrecy when it involves conversations, friendships, or behaviors that would hurt your partner if discovered, that's different.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to ask our listeners, does being in a committed relationship mean your partner should have access to every part of your digital life?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, you want to touch bases on that?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: If you put it out there.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_03: The world is gonna know.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: We have apps galore, swipe right, swipe up, swipe down, farm zone, you name it.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: Even Facebook has a dating section.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: They're getting so they've jumped on the bandwagon.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: It is so easy.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: You have people who uh are recommended for you.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: It it has got insane, and it's so easy to fall into that trap.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's what what the phrase that I like I just use is digital life.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Does your partner need to have access to your entire digital life?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's an interesting conversation that couples probably should have.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and the point I want to make is that couples should establish mutually agreed boundaries and not assume each other's expectations are the same for both.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here's my thing.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: For for What's your thing, Professor?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: Here's my thing.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: I think that if you're in a committed relationship, shut them down.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: You don't need the social media, none of that stuff.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: Focus on your relationship.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: No, that's good.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: Because if if you're running social media and do you know how many couples in their 40s and 50s and 60s sit in bed at night uh social media and they don't talk, and the next thing you know, they're getting divorced.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because social media got in between them.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, I listen, I'm sorry, I'm not laying in bed, uh social media, and my partner next to me, hello.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: Right, I don't even do social media.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: Come on.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: We have social media for our business, and and that's it.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: We yeah, we we yeah, we definitely have to use social media for for business, especially now because so many people are on social media.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, if you're using it for business and stuff like that, that's the way to go.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: But if you're putting your life out there for the world to see, and here's the kicker of it all, you put your world out there for everybody to see.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: You're going for a job.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh and the job, it's the best job you've ever had in your life.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_03: That it you got a company car, you got an office in the corner, this is your dream job.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: You go in and have the interview, and you don't get a call back.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: They've gone through your social media, they've gone through your social media.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yep, that happens.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm uh I love cars.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a car dude.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: And uh, when I had social media, I posted car stuff.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: And it didn't hit me until I left the interview, and the guy said said, Well, at least you're in the cars, you know.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: And it didn't register until some time later.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, holy crap.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, how how did he know that?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, getting getting back to uh how it affects relationships, social media can replace real communication.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people are more comfortable posting quotes than having a conversation.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: So let's, for instance, instead of saying, I'm upset, we need to talk.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: But here you go posting this.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Some people just get on my last nerve.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: And now everybody knows you're having relationship problems, including on Beth in another state.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody knows.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Don't use Facebook as your couple's coach or therapist.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you're having yeah, if you're having relationship problems, talk to your partner, not your 1,000 followers.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: And and here's a note, professor and listeners: indirect communication creates confusion.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: For a healthy relationship, couples need to say what they feel directly and respectfully.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: It's amazing how people equate followers to having friends.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I I I have I have uh a thousand friends.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: That means absolutely nothing because on Facebook they're called friends.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: And and when the shit hits the phone, where's your four thousand friends?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: You know, here's the thing.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: When you have living your life through social media and your relationship is out there, that's it.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's not it.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: I I watch a uh a guy ask for a a girl, you know, hey, you know, can I get your Instagram?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_03: Can I get your your your your Instagram?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: No phone number, no nothing.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: They communicate through Instagram, they don't have real conversation.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: You'll just follow just to see what see what's going on.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's creepy.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, that's so creepy.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, they message each other through Instagram, they chat, but they never have real conversation face to face.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_03: Because we have lived our lives through uh uh texting and Instagramming and Facebooking and all this stuff, we don't know how to communicate and have a conversation.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: That's what it's important for relationships to communicate.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: We've lost the art of communication, right?
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: It's said when companies have to have uh seminars to teach people how to communicate.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, more and more companies are having seminars to for their staff to communicate, right?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because sucker communication, well, not not through social.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Media.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the danger of there's a danger of it's called relationship testing.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Some people post something in intentionally just to get a rise from their partners.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is relationship testing.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: For example, uh, I'm gonna post these pictures to make them jealous, or I'm not gonna text first today just to see what happens.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's not communication, and this is what professor was talking about.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's an experiment on your uh and your partner did not volunteer to be in this research study.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the point: why are you testing your partner when you should be communicating with them?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you need validation, ask for it.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel neglected, say so.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: If something bothers you, talk about it.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: So again, when you're not communicating with your partner and you're testing the the relationship through social media, that's that's not communicating.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: Communicate, communicate, and communicate.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's some more, yeah.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: We say this all the time, and this is why we say it.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: Because the art of communication is gone because we spend our lives communicating through text.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: And social media.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's a uh so another point, just what you're touching bases on.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Social media can affect in intimacy.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now think think about how often you see couples, hello, sitting together at dinner or or uh in a restaurant, and they aren't actually together.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: One is scrolling TikTok, the other is watching YouTube, and someone is is replying to uh comments, and when one asks the other question, oh this is yeah, then that's when it really gets gets crazy.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: When one of the partners may ask the other a a question, and the answer you get is uh or yeah, oh okay, and neither is really paying attention to the other.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: Because that's their conversation.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right, you just say, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, you know, just just not even not even hearing what what they're asking.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the other one, yeah, whatever.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some couples should make dinner reservations for two people and zero phones.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Technology should be a convenience to a relationship, not replace the connection.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: I tell people that if they're going when they're going out on a date with somebody, one of your things should be on and say, uh, if we're going on a date, I ask that our phones be right put turned off and put to the side or put in your pocket and we don't look at our phones.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you hear it going off, if you're with your partner, check it out later.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: And that and that's the thing is set these boundaries.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: We talk about them.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's social media.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: If you when you're going on a date, turn that shit off.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, exactly.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_03: This is your time.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: And if you can't give me the time, there's your red flag.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Then that's a problem.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here comes the X factor.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: You remember that show?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know where you know where I'm going with this, right?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Social media makes it so easy to connect or follow an ex.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're not dating your ex, but they're still in your feed, watching your stories, liking your pictures, and later you might get a hey stranger.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: And now your past has stepped into your relationship through the back door.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's a question.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is it okay to stay connected to your ex?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: And should you tell your partner you're still talking to your ex?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: And should there be boundaries between you and the ex?
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: The only way you should be talking to your ex if there is a kid involved.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_03: If there's no kid involved, then no.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, yeah.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're we're kind of maybe playing that maybe there isn't.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_03: So if they yeah, would but I've said this.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_03: If you're in a relationship, cut social media off because it will destroy your relationship.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_03: Because exactly what you said, you still have all these other social medias and your ex is trolling you.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but and your current girlfriend is seeing your ex put these posts up there.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, beg, uh so proud of you.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: Congratulations.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: That can cause a problem.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And and the question is too, do you still have feelings for your ex?
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: And all these answers, it lies within the party.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: The key is the key to a healthy relationship is honesty, respect, and having what would you say, clear boundaries.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have boundaries, whether you're going to keep social media or not.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you and your partner should be on the same page.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you should have boundaries with that ex if they're trying to stay in touch with you.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, social media can make people feel lonely while they're still in a relationship.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Social media causes loneliness in relationships by replacing real presence with screen time.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Couples can sit next to each other and still feel disconnected.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so lone.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you can have a thousand followers and still feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, relationships aren't measured by the number of pictures together you post, it's measured by how connected you are outside of those cameras and postings.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's the question that that I want you to think of is when the phone is down or off, can you both communicate with each other?
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: Likes don't give you security, followers don't create intimacy.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: A Facebook relationship status doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship has to be developed by both parties.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a couple of uh questions that you could ask yourself.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: One, has social media helped or hurt your relationship?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Should you share passwords?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is posting your relationship uh problems appropriate?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that one again.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is posting your relationship problems appropriate?
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one, are you communicating with or about your partner online?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Before I close, Professor, any any last words?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_03: First, it needs to start with you, yourself.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: If you can't live without social media, then you gotta work on yourself before you can tell anybody else.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_03: Because if your partner is into social media and neither one of you can control yourself, that's a disaster waiting to happen.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: Do not let social media control your relationship.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: You control your social media.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: Social media is a tool.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: Don't let it be a part of your life.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: And piggybacking on that, social media isn't the enemy.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's how we use it.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship needs boundaries, trust, communication, more trust, emotional availability, and very important, quality time.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: And before you start worrying about what or who your partner is liking on social media, ask yourself, how are we doing in real life?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because your relationship shouldn't show up live on IG.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's Instagram professor.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: It should, it should live in the conversations you have together.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: It should live in how you treat each other.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: It should live in the trust you build with each other without scrolling, posting, or searching social media.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, we want you to remember that social media can show you a picture of other people's relationship, but it won't tell you nor show you the whole story.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: So don't compare your real life and your real life relationship to others' edited versions.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Put the phone down, look at your partner, and communicate.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Listen and respond to each other.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Give your relationship something that doesn't need a filter.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's real attention.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, the strongest relationships aren't the ones that get the most likes.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's the ones that feel good, even when no one is liking, commenting, or watching it.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, you can find us at relationshipcoachinggroup.com, where you can email us if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions, or just want to check out all that we have to offer.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you want to learn a little bit more about us.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: So in the meantime, take care of your heart, put the phone down, and communicate with your partner.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_03: And remember, uh-huh.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever is not communication.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: Together, well, you're not alone.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: We want you to know you're not alone.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Together.