Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E12 - Applying Limit Setting at Home: Effective Strategies for Every Day Parenting

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S2E12 - Applying Limit Setting at Home: Effective Strategies for Every Day Parenting · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are talking through the limit setting pillar,
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  but the practical application of the use of limit setting
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  in your home with your kids on a daily basis.
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  So we worked through the four pillars as just the skill instruction.
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  And now we're working through those same four pillars
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  as ways that you can actually implement this as part of your parenting strategy
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  and what it looks like when you're in those moment by moment,
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  daily interactions with your kids.
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  So the limit setting skill is the one that combines three of the pillars.
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  So this is the tricky one because you use, reflecting feelings,
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  limit setting and choice giving all in one,
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  which is why it takes a little bit of extra consideration and practice.
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  So we're gonna spend some time talking through
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  how we can use limit setting at home and why it benefits us as part of our strategy
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  in making sure that we preserve the relationship
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  while still addressing disciplinary issues with our kids.
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  So we're going to talk through how to proactively address struggles,
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  using the limits, getting setting process,
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  we will talk through getting our child's attention when we need
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  to make sure that we are clearly communicating a new limit
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  and the importance of consistency and follow through once limits have been set.
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  So we'll kind of unpack those three things together today.
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  The path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  All right.
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  So when we're talking through addressing struggles,
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  you know, when you raise kids,
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  although kids are ever changing and ever evolving,
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  and every time you think you have a handle on their behavior or their phase or,
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  you know, whatever they're go going through at that particular moment,
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  you just kind of feel like, ok, good.
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  We're finally, you know, sorting this out,
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  then they get rid of that issue and then a new one emerges.
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  So
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  the only thing that changes is that, you know, we can't ever count on
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  what we thought we could count on.
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  But however, we do get to recognize patterns in our kids behaviors.
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  We do get to a point where we can predict where we're going to have struggles.
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  So, are the struggles typically around bedtime, are the struggles around eating?
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  Are the struggles around sibling tension?
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  Are the struggles around disobedience.
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  We can get to a point where we know
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  this child is likely to have issues either at this time or around this issue.
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  So once we've determined that
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  we can use limit setting to proactively address those struggles,
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  you're essentially using limit setting as a proactive approach
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  and you're setting and structuring the environment and the expectations
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  so that the child is most likely to be able to comply with the limit.
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  So let me throw out a scenario.
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  Every single day child comes home from school starving
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  and every single day they go and raid the pantry and
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  they end up eating a whole bunch of junk food.
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  And you've asked them over and over and over again not to eat junk food,
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  not to eat unhealthy snacks.
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  And it becomes a daily battle when you see the Oreo cookie wrappers and
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  the ice cream container and the cookies and whatever else that have been consumed,
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  you know, because they were starving on
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  junk food.
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  In that scenario,
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  you can use limit setting proactively.
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  So not only do you structure the environment for success, meaning
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  you get rid of all the junky food in your pantry.
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  Not to say you can't have that food in the house,
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  but it is no longer accessible in the pantry.
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  So you have to structure the environments for success, right?
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  So you're not going to have those type of
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  snacks available where your children can access them,
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  reach them, consume them.
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  That means maybe you put them in the cabinet above the refrigerator
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  or you put them
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  in a
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  fireproof locked box.
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  I don't know hide it under your bed, whatever you wanna do,
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  it's not that the snacks can't be in the house, but children can't have access to them
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  whenever they want. And for whatever reason they want,
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  once you establish that
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  you make sure that you have healthy snack options that your kids like
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  this falls apart. If you pick healthy options that they hate,
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  they love ice cream, they love Oreos, they love chocolate chip cookies.
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  They love salt and vinegar, potato chips. Maybe that's just me.
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  Do kids really like salt and vinegar. I don't know,
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  they like Pringles, whatever. Cheetos. I don't know. Junkie kid chips.
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  All right. So they love those things.
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  They're probably not going to like
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  your Nutrigrain bars.
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  All right.
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  But you can come up with healthy alternatives that they do like
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  they might love fruit,
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  they might love all natural popsicles.
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  They might love
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  chocolate chip protein bars.
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  Ok? So you have to structure this so that not only can they not have junk food
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  but they have healthy alternatives that
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  they actually like.
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  So now you've proactively set the stage, right?
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  So then they get home from school, they immediately run to the pantry
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  and you say
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  Johnny, you really are hungry right now and you are looking for a snack.
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  But after school
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  it's appropriate to eat healthy snacks, not junk food.
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  So notice that we've reflected the feeling,
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  acknowledge the desire
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  and we've set a neutral limit.
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  Junk food is not for eating after school, healthy food is for eating after school.
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  Ok. So there's our neutral limit.
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  Then we provide the alternatives as a choice.
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  I bought chocolate chip protein bars. I bought
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  fruit popsicles and I bought strawberries.
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  Do you choose strawberries popsicles or protein bars?
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  And now all of a sudden the limit has been set,
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  the healthy alternatives have been provided
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  and the child has a measure of control over the outcome
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  And you proactively addressed what normally becomes a huge fight.
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  Notice that you're not mad that they consumed half a carton of ice cream.
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  You're not mad that they went through 17 Oreo cookies.
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  You
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  have given them options, they're choosing what they would rather eat
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  and it's healthy.
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  So it complies with the expectation,
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  but it's also something the child will appreciate.
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  So that is how we proactively address struggles using the limit setting method.
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  Secondly, when we are about to set a new limit,
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  when we're about to make a new expectation in the home, clear to our kids,
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  it's really important that we make sure that they're paying attention.
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  So you can use whatever phrase you would like,
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  you can say
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  et phone home. This is an important phone call.
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  I don't care what you say,
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  but you have whatever you decide it needs to be something that is recognizable,
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  repeatable.
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  And you've said it every single time you're about to change a new policy in the house.
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  So that when you say it, your kids go oh boy. I better listen and pay attention.
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  This is important.
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  So in the parenting program that we coach,
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  the phrase that they have used is we're about to institute
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  a new and significant policies within the confines of this household.
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  All right, big words, right? And the premise is big words, get your kids' attention
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  so you can say whatever you want as the phrase.
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  But it needs to be very clear to your children.
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  What follows that phrase
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  is going to significantly impact my life.
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  I need to make sure that I'm paying attention and understanding what's being said
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  for us.
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  I don't really use a phrase. But when I use my son's first and last name
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  related aside,
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  I have never used his middle name when he's in trouble.
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  My parents did not do that to me.
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  I was never Brenna Michele when I was in trouble ever.
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  And I actually think the whole premise of that is crazy
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  unless you want your child to hate their middle name,
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  which why would you have chosen a middle name for them that you want them to hate?
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  So I don't think that can possibly be anyone's intention.
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  I love the name Brenna
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  Michele because
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  it was never said when I'm in trouble,
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  it was never said as a threat, it was never said in anger.
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  So the whole premise of using the first and middle name when a kid's in trouble,
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  I really think it really just conditions them to hate their middle name.
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  So anyway, I digress but I'm back on track. So
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  I've never said Kayne Ericson to my son when he's in
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  trouble because I don't want him to hate his middle name.
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  It means son of Eric. And
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  that's something special in our family.
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  So, however, I say Kayne Hicks
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  now notice that I don't go Kayne Hicks because then he hates his
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  name.
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  Right.
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  But if I say Kayne Hicks
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  in that tone, I don't have to raise my voice. I don't have to have an attitude.
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  It doesn't have to have any threatening posture or tone or aura to it whatsoever.
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  But if I say Kayne Hicks, he immediately looks at me,
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  he makes eye contact with me and he knows what I'm about to say means something
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  so you can come up with anything you want.
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  But it needs to become a very recognizable and repeatable cue
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  that when that comes out of your mouth,
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  your kids stop and go who I better pay attention.
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  Ok.
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  So that's another practical tip for when you're about to set a limit
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  because if I need to set a limit on,
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  you know, what the schedule is going to be for the day,
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  right.
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  So it's a Saturday and our son wants to just hang out all day, but we have to leave at 3:30
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  he has to get four things done before we leave at 3:30
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  I say in the morning,
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  Kayne Hicks.
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  And he looks at me
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  and then I say, ok,
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  we're leaving at 3:30.
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  If you choose to have A B C and D done by 3:30 when it's time to go,
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  you choose to be able to hang out with your friends when we get home.
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  If you choose for it to hit 3:30
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  you've chosen not to do A B C and D,
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  you choose not to hang out with your friends.
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  And now it's very clear, he knows what I meant. He knows that it was important.
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  And then at 3:30 we assess if A B C and D have been completed or not.
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  So you have to get your kids attention. So they know what is coming
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  and then finally,
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  consistent follow through.
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  If you set a limit one day
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  and then the next day, you don't,
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  your limits mean nothing.
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  If you set a limit one day
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  and you don't enforce the consequence of the choice that they made
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  your limits mean nothing.
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  This only works. If you follow through,
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  this only works if you are consistent,
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  which is why we have those three questions that we ask ourselves, right?
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  So, is this limit necessary?
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  That's a really helpful place to start.
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  And then
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  can I consistently enforce this limit is the second question
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  you can't be in the mall and say to your kid,
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  if you do that again,
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  we're going home immediately
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  when you have seven more stores to go to.
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  Are you actually going to leave the mall
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  and not do the seven stores worth of shopping that you went there for?
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  If your child does that again?
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  So is that enforceable?
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  You also can't say if you do that again, you're grounded for the rest of your life.
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  Well,
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  that's also not consistently enforceable
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  and noticed that both of those were threats,
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  but that's typically how we talk to our kids.
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  If you, then
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  if you, I will
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  child learns nothing about self responsibility
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  and self control and self regulation.
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  When we threaten them,
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  we have to give them choices as part of a limit.
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  If you choose A, you choose B
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  if you choose C, you choose D, which do you choose?
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  It's very important that those are choices
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  that they're not threats,
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  but we have to be able to consistently enforce them and follow through.
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  If we say if you choose to do that one more time,
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  you choose to go to bed as soon as we get home
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  and you get home at 4:30 p.m.
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  you can't follow through with that.
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  So you have to be intentional about what you
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  offer as a limit and what you offer as choices
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  because you have to be able to enforce
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  and follow through or it loses all credibility.
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  So whatever your struggle is, whether it's bedtime, whether it's eating,
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  whether it's homework, whether it's the morning routine,
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  whether it's sibling fighting, whether it's whatever
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  limit setting is your go to pillar
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  because you preserve the relationship,
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  you return responsibility, you give them a measure of control
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  and all the, while
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  all you're doing
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  is enforcing the choices that they make.
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  You acknowledge how they're feeling. You set the neutral limit
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  and then they choose the outcome.
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  It's far less overwhelming and complicated as we make it
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  because we tend to think of discipline as the hardest thing that we do with our kids.
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  But limit setting is actually the process of
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  giving them freedom to choose their outcomes.
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  And that takes a lot of burden off of us.
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  So I hope that you find that helpful.
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  I hope that you're able to implement limit setting this week and practice
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  it and actually kind of hone that skill if you have questions.
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  If you have follow up, I'd love to hear from you, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I'd be happy to
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  respond to you. If you shoot me an email.
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  If you have a question for the podcast, I would love to hear from you as well.
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  So go ahead and shoot me an,
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  you can also call 813-812-5525.
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  Leave me a message and I can answer your question from the voicemail as well.
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  Go to playtherapyparenting.com and you can sign up for my newsletter.
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  I'll send you a workshop that I did
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  and all kinds of good stuff.
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  I promise I won't bombard your email inbox, but I do wanna stay in touch with you.
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  So, really grateful for you.
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  Keep investing in your kids, keep putting forth the effort. It
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  is worth it.
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  The days are long, but the years are fast. So this is worthwhile. This is worth doing.
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  And that's why you listen and that's why you're here. So I'm super grateful for you.
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  Thanks so much for spending time with me this week. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.