Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The BIG Questions About Divorce from a Divorce Coach

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The BIG Questions About Divorce from a Divorce Coach · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect, reclaim, and liberate the podcast.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Finding a space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Anna Human, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In software, deeply supportive DMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love, completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today I thought I would share with you the questions that I'm most often asked as a relationship and specifically as a divorce coach.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: These questions come up over and over and over again with clients and prospective clients.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought it would be useful if I led you through some of them here on the podcast.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: The big questions I'm most often asked are: Will my kids be okay?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: What about money?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who's going to get what?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where will we all live?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise known as who gets to keep the house?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: What about work?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: How the hell am I going to co-parent with my ex?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And will I be okay?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Will I ever be happy or find love again?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I would answer these one by one.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, the kids, will they be okay?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: The answer here is more than likely yes, they will be okay.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Most experts and even adult kids of divorce agree it's not the divorce that hurts kids, but the conflict between their parents.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if separating eases conflict between you and their other parent, if it eases existing conflict and you can co-parent with mineral angst between the two of you, then the kids will more than likely come out okay.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids will also learn what not to settle for.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: By watching you be true to yourselves and live a life of your own choosing, they learn to do the same.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: They watch you and learn how to be strong, independent, resourceful, empowered, happy, successful, all the things, regardless of whether they're in a relationship or solo.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And while I believe it's important not to hide your sadness and your grief from them, if that's what you're feeling, they need to see you sad because it also allows them to be sad.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is important not to swamp your kids with the sadness and the grief all of the time.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also important to keep the adult themes away from them or to keep them protected from the adult themes.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you're really angry and bitter and resentful towards your ex, they don't need that.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids don't need to feel or see that.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Share what they need to know, age and stage appropriately, and allow them their own feelings, their own grief, and keep the adult stuff just that adult.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bear in mind too that some kids are actually relieved when their parents separate.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: They're relieved because the conflict is gone from their day-to-day life.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do let them know as their family changes that things are going to look and feel a bit different, but they're still really deeply loved.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if in the interim period you're sort of shuffling their care arrangements while you reorganise things, keep them informed about what's going on.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they're quite little, keep them informed, keeping it age appropriate.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: We used a color-coded calendar when our kids were really little in the early days so that they could visualize, they could see when they were with me and when they were with their dad.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So keep them informed, particularly if plans are shuffling and changing in those early days after your separation.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, if you're mostly okay, your kids will be okay.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Big question number two is the money.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is an almost universal concern for every separating couple.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: What will the divorce itself cost?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Will there be enough?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: How will it be split?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: How much will I get?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: What about superannuation?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: How will I manage on a single income?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Will I be able to retire comfortably?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: These are really very real questions that are raised.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I hear you, I hear you asking, how the hell will I manage financially?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is by being smart and getting clarity.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Building your knowledge and flexing your financial muscles, learning whatever it is that you don't know and putting into practice what you do.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Get really simple.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Work out how much it costs to live your life and the life you really want to live.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: How much do you need to cover the basics and more?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: How much for the kids to do what they need to do and also what they want to do.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And how will that change?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: i.e., how will that increase as they get older?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you can factor that aspect into your financial discussions, your settlement, your agreement, because kids do get more expensive as they get older.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Agree, preferably in writing and preferably formalized in some way, on who will be responsible for paying what and how that will be managed as a family, how that will be managed between the two of you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Think beyond the immediate future when you are negotiating and agreeing on your financial settlement, your prop, which is called your property settlement.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So think beyond the here and now and see if you can future trip a little bit and build into your financial agreement things that will support your family as it grows and changes.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: As I said in the beginning of this answering this question, get really basic.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Know what's coming in, what's going out, budget, track everything, and really build your financial literacy.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Get really clear on the overall picture of your family's finances.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Get help or advice if you need to.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can split smart and not spend excessive amounts of money on legal fees, it helps.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And to do that, of course, we need calm communication with the future focus, keeping the kids top of mind and at the forefront of discussions, particularly when it comes to money, because no one's giving anybody any money.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're reorganizing a family which involves children who need financial support.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: So keep the kids top of mind.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Remember too that fair and equitable does not always mean 50-50.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It means fair, it means equitable so everyone is supported.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And in this space, mediation, collaborative professionals, financial advisors who are specialists in family law or family separation reorganization, and of course, family lawyers and coaches can all help.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: They help you negotiate together, work out what's fair, reasonable, equitable, and help you keep out of that court system, that adversarial system, which keeps all of the costs down, financial and emotional.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the next big question is who gets what?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not always clear-cut, and it's definitely not always a 50-50 split.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's no magic mathematical formula that gets applied, there's no one size fits all solution.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everything goes into what's called the asset pool.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Assets, so what you own, liabilities, what you owe, and superannuation is all considered.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to remember that the asset pool is split at the time of settlement, the time you agree, not the date of not the date of separation.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you separate and it's not until two years later that you decide to finalise and formalize your property, your financial settlement, the asset pool is valued at that time, not back when you're originally settled, separated, I'm sorry.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so that means things could have changed.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Assets could have increased in value, people might have sold things.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: So just bear that in mind when you're discussing financial property settlement.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So everything goes into the asset pool, regardless of who owned it, who owns it, whose name it's in, it all goes into the asset pool, and then consideration is made for contributions, which includes financial contribution and non-financial contribution, such as raising children.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the answer to the question of who gets what, when I'm asked that question, I can't answer it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's something I suggest my clients work on with their ex and with financial advisors and family lawyers if need be.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Question number four, where will we live?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my answer to this question when I'm asked it is often often comes as a bit of a surprise.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because where will we live?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be the family home.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And once the initial shock or surprise of realizing that eases, you might just find that you don't really want it to be.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a time to ask: does that family home, does that space suit your needs as a single parent?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Can you manage it?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Financially, yes, but also physically as the sole adult in the household.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Mortgage, utilities, upkeep, maintenance.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Consider the time, the money, the energy, all of that takes, and ask yourself if it's viable as a single-income, single parent family.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is that space going to serve you in all of those ways?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Time, energy, money, as a single parent family.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get hooked by the emotional attachment that you have to that house.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get hooked by the story that you need to stay there for your kids to feel safe, secure, and loved.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are their home, not that house.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if it is to be a new space, there are a few things to consider.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Try to keep it close to the things your kids are familiar with and that they love: their school, their activities, their sporting clubs, their friends, extended family, and their other parent.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Make it easy for them to have a strong connection and bond with both of you.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't involve long travel between their two homes.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: In turn, this is going to make it easier on you.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Less Ks travelling between houses, less time wasted delivering the forgotten items when they transition back and forth, and it keeps you close to your support network if they're in the same neighborhood.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Remember too that you can't eat a house.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean if by selling that family home you free up capital that can be used to support your new life, really strongly consider doing it.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Home is where you and the people you love are, it's not a building.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure when you're asking yourself the question, where are we going to live, or who's going to get the house?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: make sure you're deciding with your head and those newly flexed financial muscles we talked about, as well as your heart.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: The next big question I very often get asked is, what about work?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: What about work as a single parent?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Often when a couple with children separate, work priorities need to change for one, or preferably actually, both parents.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: How will you juggle a week-on, week-off arrangement, for example, if you're both working full-time?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: How's that going to work for you and your family?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here I always suggest that you discuss it as parents.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: How you will both juggle your work around the kids since everyone's work and expectations, including the kids, are probably going to need to change in some way, shape, or form.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been working full-time and your partner has been the one doing the school pickup and drop-off, and you're now in a week-on-week-off arrangement, how's that going to look for you?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: So everybody's expectations need to change.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's no longer possible for the kids to do all those extracurricular activities they used to do, or maybe they need to attend out-of-school hours care, or maybe there's a nanny who comes on board for the afternoons, or there's longer hours, extra days in daycare.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: However, that looks, it needs to be a conversation that's had as an entire family, not just well, it's your problem when you've got the kids and your partner's ex-partner's problem or your co-parents' problem when they have the kids.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I also really suggest with my clients who are mostly female that they do a work inventory.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: How many hours do you spend working and for what return?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it actually worth the effort?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to increase or decrease your hours or change roles, step sideways?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to retrain?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to up level?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And how will you juggle your work with the needs of the kids?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And really, really importantly here, plan ahead and think longer term than just the end of the kids' school years.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Look to when you're 55, 65, 75.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: How much will you need to be earning now to support yourself and live a good life then?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: How much are you going to be needing to earn then to be still living a good life?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And does your current work have the ca capacity to support you in that life?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if the answer's no, what will?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to change?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Question number six, I think we're up to six.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Next question: How will I co-parent with my ex?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Tricky one, hey?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're separating or divorcing for really good reasons, right?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And often one of those good reasons is that your communication or ability to cooperate with one another has dropped.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your capacity to communicate isn't great, leading to a breakdown of relationship.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, with bearing that in mind, how to co-parent.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, I suggest you try and separate your intimate relationship or your partnership, that relationship that's breaking down, separate that from your partnership as co-parents.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Try and see it as two different, distinct relationships.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So split out your role as a parent and co-parent from your role as exes.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Draw a line in the sand and redefine what your relationship with this other person who is now your co-parent, not your life partner.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Draw a line in the sand and redefine what it's going to look like going forwards, what that relationship is going to look like, what it's going to be like.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you can keep your communication calm and respectful and a little bit business-like.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like the whole keep it really corporate, keep it really business-like, keep all emotion and feeling out of it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're two humans communicating about other humans who you both love, your kids.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to keep emotion out of it.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can tone it down a little and keep it calm by not being triggered, that will help.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: That will help you co-parent effectively.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Keep all that communication calm, respectful, but also child focused.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the communication on track.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about the kids, talk about the issue, talk about the problem.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't bring in all the other historical stuff that really isn't helpful in supporting you to reach a resolution of whatever issue you're bringing to the table as co-parents.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it focused on your kids.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And secondly, put the needs of your kids as your number one priority.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Put the needs of your kids above your own feelings about the breakup of your marriage or your relationship.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And respect and honour that your kids have the right to a really full, deep, rich, loving relationship with both parents.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can keep it calm and collaborative and cooperative with your ex-partner, you give them that gift.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: You give your kids the gift of a really beautiful deep relationship with both of you.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy and it's not possible in all circumstances.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: So get support if you need to.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are co-parenting courses available, all sorts of resources, including coaching, which can help you.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Coaching can help you tone down your reactivity, heal your wounds so you're not triggered, and build your communication capacity so that you can communicate calmly and co-parent effectively.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: The final question I'm always asked is something along the lines of will I be okay?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Am I ever going to feel happy again?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Am I ever going to fall in love again?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Will I be okay?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer to that is yes.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you will.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not today, definitely not every day, but you will.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: You will feel happy again.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: You will be okay.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're a strong, resourceful, resilient human.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: You've got reserves and resources that you probably haven't even tapped into yet, and you're probably yet to discover just how much you already know, just how capable you already are.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you're having a bad day, because you will have bad days, when you're having a bad day, know that they get less and less frequent, and they get easier and easier to navigate through.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Accept those bad days, ride with them and move through them rather than trying to push it away or push it down.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Try and surround yourself with as much love and care and nurture as you can.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Both self-love, self-care, and others who will care and nurture and love, care for and nurture and love you.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with love.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Know that there will be joy and laughter and light again.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: The overwhelm will ease, the fear will dissipate, the scary stuff will get less scary, and there will be joy, happiness, laughter, and even love again.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: But there'll be small little moments, small little pockets of it at first, and when they happen, because they will, when they happen, anchor into that joy, the love, the lightness, the laughter.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because those small moments, they are where your healing begins.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where your biggest growth comes from.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning into the hope, the trust, the love, the light, the laughter.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning into and knowing there's more coming for you as you reclaim and liberate yourself in this next chapter of your life.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you found some of your own answers in my answers to these questions that I'm so often asked.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that you can see wherever you are on your relationship journey.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you can see a pathway forward.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I really, really appreciate that there are so many places you could be spending your time.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for spending it with me.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Anne Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love them.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate until then.