Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Is My Marriage Over, Or Am I Just Tired? | Why You Feel So Exhausted? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep454

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Is My Marriage Over, Or Am I Just Tired? | Why You Feel So Exhausted? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep454 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: How to rebuild trust without becoming a beggar.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Getting your partner on board.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: The erectile dysfunction.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sex marriage versus a lack of intimacy.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Manipulation, boundaries, and covert contract.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why closure is a myth in modern relationships.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: How to rebuild trust without becoming a beggar.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought this would be a good topic because you guys are searching it like crazy.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Holy moly.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, listen.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can't move a marriage forward if you're begging.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: For anything.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: For an anything, actually.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: You just look like this is this is across the board, man and woman.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is not.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, listen, it it might work for a moment because your partner, like you feel pretty needed right now, right?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're part, but it's net the pattern will not last.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: Think about what begging means to you.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: When I think about begging, I think about something for someone who's asking for something without doing anything to get that.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow, good, good thing.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're begging for forgiveness, it means that you're asking for a free pass.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: You're asking for them to forgive you when you've done nothing to deserve that.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: Now it doesn't always need to be about deserving.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_02: Think about in third world countries, which is very sad to think about, but think about like little beggars on the street that are asking for money.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: They're asking because they don't have it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: And in that case, they might not have the means to be able to go and get it, and so they're doing everything that they know they can by asking other people for it, like ch children beggars, for example.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if you have the capacity to do something to deserve the forgiveness or to earn the forgiveness, now forgiveness, I do believe that you should forgive without maybe someone needing to earn it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: That's the person that's forgiving.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: But as the person that's asking for forgiveness, this is about trust.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is about trust.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm just using forgiveness as an example, like forg begging for forgiveness, begging for love, begging for affection, begging for trust.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're trying to beg for trust, that means that you're not doing I'll use the one your example.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: That means that you're not doing anything to gain that trust back.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: So as the person, this is even more serious than forgiveness.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, I'm glad that you corrected me there.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Because as the person that doesn't trust, I don't believe that you should just trust just because someone asks for your trust, because you might be stupid.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: That might be stupid.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: If your husband or your wife has had 17 affairs, now he's begging for your trust because he's not going to have an affair again, that sounds like a pretty stupid thing to trust if he's not doing the work.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because remember, begging, according to what I think, is you're asking for something when you have done nothing to warrant it.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think that that's that's a perfect analogy, like right there.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, regardless of what you're looking for, literally, when you are begging, you are.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: You are just saying, please just trust me.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I promise I won't do this again.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I I need you end up starting to guilt and shame them.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you make them feel bad.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is desperate, and you make them feel bad for not trusting you when you made a mistake.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, I get it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we have to look for trust when there is, you know, somebody's perception is a little bit skewed.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, for example, they came into a relationship and they are focused on insecurity.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, they have insecurity, they're focused on their past really, and putting that on you, projecting it on you.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: But then I don't see you begging your spouse.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, you're blowing them off, right?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, this is usually before your marriage and it's just being enabled.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're pissed off.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And now, you know, so you this is the thing.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to trust, especially, I think that you guys don't realize that there are so many things that happen that actually feed the chaos for the thing that you're begging for.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you go back to Catherine's analogy, you could literally be dealing with all of those things instead of just saying, fuck, this that must hurt, like really understanding where they're going from, instead of trying to cram trust down your partner's throat with the begging.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because by the way, your begging only lasts for so long.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how long does it take until you start to get defensive?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You start to justify the thing that you did.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: How long does it take until you start attacking them?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many people have affairs and they're just like, oh, that's because my partner.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Even we'll teach that.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I get that.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But you're on that same list.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody should be taking responsibility for their own side.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And trust just comes naturally.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Trust takes time.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It just takes time once it's been eroded.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: All you have to do is start to focus on who you want to be, and and and it just actually happens.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I would say it's transactional.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything though.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It just starts filling the bank account.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's like interest.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Proof.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Proof.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Dividend.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like they just keep falling, your bank account keeps filling up, and then all of a sudden there's trust there.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a lot of things that go into trust.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Safety?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You could say stop the affair, and that's right, consistency.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You could stop the affair.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're consistent with that.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just say you're doing emotional affairs a lot, watching porn, stuff like that.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop all that stuff.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's no trust.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: The safety is just as important as the trust.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: The partner doesn't feel like they they could even bring their concern.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's one of those, uh, one of those questions was about uh a man masturbating and it's a sin and the porn he's watching, and blah blah blah, but like another topic for our day.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But like the woman even said, I like he doesn't understand how I feel.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Safety removed, gone.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: So now who cares if you're begging for trust because they're at least like like they're not probably asking for safety.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's becoming more common.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But that was a that was never talked about before.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's because more and more people are starting to understand, right?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so now you talk about consistency.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if we don't have consistency, we don't have trust.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, but there's so many ways that you can do that.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, overall, what have you said that you're going to do that you don't do?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like quit watching porn, you just stay stay on that example for a second.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: So if you quit it, quit for 30 days, first of all, your wife or your husband doesn't believe that you stopped.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: There's no proof there.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: And then let's say you have let's say you haven't done it for 30 days or 60 days, and then you do it once, and she catches you.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's there's no consistency there because you didn't actually follow through, and now she's going to assume because she caught you once that you've been doing it the whole time.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's keep going on example.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go with um uh okay, but you elevator other chicks, like you're checking chicks out all the time when you run around, right?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you do these other things, you bring your phone to the bathroom.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's called an example I give you, right?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You uh don't talk about the meetings that you go to, and uh the she finds out there's a woman there.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I was just there with Joe at the bar after the meeting, you know, at the hotel.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then she finds out that one of the women from the office was there too.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: You have disappearing messages on your phone.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you delete text messages on your phone, you change your password frequently on your phone.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so how is how are they ever supposed to trust?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you did change behavior, you're like there's new behaviors now.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you become this entitled.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't always you, but this is most.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: You just become this entitled, like they should not, they should just trust me.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: So by this is what I mean.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You'll s you'll beg.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You'll please, baby.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're not like actually begging, begging.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're just like, I need you to be with like you just gotta trust me.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I fucked up all that, okay?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's what we consider begging at the very minimum.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then all of a sudden, you're gonna get to this point where you're like, no, it's your insecurity.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've never done anything.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, fuck, we've even seen people talk about how they didn't have an affair because they just didn't have sex.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't heard the expression emotional affair ever?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, doesn't it ever cross your mind?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: We had a client like that.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, what in the world?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, well, but no, but I didn't need anything from her.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even was like, dude, you're totally getting validation from that shit.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: She was nice to you, sweet.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You guys laughed, it was a connection.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's an emotional affair.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional connection.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, anyway, so like, how do we get trust?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: You're so cute when you do that too.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: How do you just she's into me today?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um emotional.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, not emotional.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was sure.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to get emotional.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: Distracted.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I got distracted.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: She's she's good at that.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, trust.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not that you have to beg, it's that you have to know what you say and and how your words align with your actions in even other areas of your life.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you lose all this porn affair, you don't masturbate, all these fucking things, okay?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But then who else are you?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like what other things feed into uh let's just say like do you start shopping?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just making this up, like, but you know, you have some other thing that you're doing instead.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: Another coping mechanism?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, coping exactly where I'm going with this.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're just replacing one with the other, well then you're not really gonna get anywhere either, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to beg for trust, you need to be patient for trust.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to beg for safety, you need to give safety.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need, and most of the time you need to repair safety.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Safety and trust together equal peace.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: When you have peace, two people can be unapologetically themselves.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: They can be who they are meant to be.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's the foundation for where you can start to grow.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: You start to grow, you can make trust happen the fastest.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because you'll have new consistencies.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be doing more.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's in the last episode.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be doing more of the right things with or without your partner on board.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're giving them the space to trust.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're continuing to grow.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your growth is the easiest way to show trust.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not to stop the thing, it's not to do the good things like the gym.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: All this stuff matters.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it's all the growth.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's the whole new person.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the thing we'll always see in our programs is many, especially the men, you pick and choose what you want to do for the growth.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, then why are you trying to have our life?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just go find some other couple who doesn't do as much, didn't change as much, didn't want to grow as much, and don't impact as many people, and then you can have their mediocre marriage.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can have a moral marriage.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do what we did.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't get to pick.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: All right, guys.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time.