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How To Stop Choosing Emotionally Unsafe and Unavailable Partners · Trauma Free Relationship

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Have you ever asked yourself, why do I keep choosing
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emotionally unsafe and unavailable partners?
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Well, you're not broken, and you're definitely not alone.
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In this episode, we're going to unpack this frustrating pattern
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that keeps you stuck, and more importantly, we're going to
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outline the steps involved in breaking this trauma pattern.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phillip, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational and attachment trauma
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to regain trust in themselves and others so they can
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experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started. OK, the first thing we want to
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do, let's unpack this pattern. Let's see if we can't see
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ourselves in how this sort of unfolds.
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So the first thing that might happen is that you might feel
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drawn to people who tend to be inconsistent, avoidant, or even
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just emotionally closed off at first.
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This might actually feel good because they balance out.
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Maybe you're more emotionally expressive side.
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They might seem like the strong silent type, whether they're
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female or male, whomever that might be.
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But nonetheless, is there something that you're drawn to
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that, that, that, that sort of pulls you in their direction?
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Like I, I want to know this person more.
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I want to get to spend more time with this person.
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And, and you might sense early on that they can't meet your
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needs necessarily. But again, there's something
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about them that feels familiar and it feels sort of magnetic,
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like 2-2 polar opposites kind of coming together.
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And it feels almost like, oh, this person's a good balance for
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me and it, this feels familiar. And So what happens then is over
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time, you end up feeling unseen, unsafe, or like you have to earn
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their love. And that's because as you get to
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know this person more, as you be get to be closer to this person
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and more connected, what they begin to do is they begin to
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trigger some of your trauma and those unmet needs that you
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didn't get in the past. They start to come to the
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surface. And when they do, you start to
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really be able to recognize, oh, this, this thing that I saw that
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I thought was so wonderful in the beginning that actually kind
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of drew me to them is really now becoming quite annoying.
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And so maybe you can recognize yourself in this pattern.
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Maybe you can see that. Oh yes, those are some of the
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components that tend to play out in my relationships in the past.
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I've certainly seen something like that.
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Well, in this scenario, what's happening here is 3 things.
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One is your nervous system is being activated and it's
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following the same pattern that it's followed before.
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It's bringing your attachment history online and your old
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survival strategies are running on autopilot as well.
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So let's just sort of unpack these three different things.
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Let's start with our nervous system.
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So through the cycle of connection and disconnection in
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your previous relationships or even your early formative years
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growing up with your primary caretakers, whomever those might
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be, your body actually adjusts to the inconsistency.
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Now, keep in mind, if you're drawn to somebody who's
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emotionally unsafe and unavailable, then probably you
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had very inconsistent parenting growing up or perhaps you had
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very inconsistent previous relationships in your young
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adult life or even your teenage years.
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And so this inconsistency actually feels familiar.
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This inconsistency reminds you of, oh, yeah, that's right, This
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is what love is like when I have to sort of feel like I'm always
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on the hook or closeness might come with rejection and
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withdrawal. Oh, yeah.
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I remember now when I really feel like I'm getting close to
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somebody, then they typically pulled away.
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This is what happens. Or it might be familiar because
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you feel like, oh, yeah, this is what I have to do.
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I have to work for connection. I have to be the one that works
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the most in my relationships. So when you meet somebody who's
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emotionally unavailable, your body might read it as this is
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home, not because necessarily it's good for you, but because
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it's what you know. It's because it's what in
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psychology we call familiarity bias, where you're drawn to what
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is familiar, not necessarily what's healthy or what's growth
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producing or what's good, but because we are drawn to what is
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familiar. And so even if something is
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familiar to us and it's unhealthy for us and we find
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ourselves stuck in this pattern, your, your central nervous
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system is saying, oh, but this is what we know.
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This feels like home. This, this is what we know to
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deal with and, and the enemy we, we deal with that we know is
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better than the enemy that we don't know, so to speak.
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And that's part of what your nervous system might be saying
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to yourself. Oh, but we get this.
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So we, we don't know how to do something different.
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We've never really had experiences that have taught us
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how to feel safe in a relationship, how to be able to
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trust ourselves and feel comfortable when we aren't being
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rejected or we don't have a partner that's withdrawing, when
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we actually feel safe in that connection.
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That's not something your central nervous system is
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necessarily comfortable with. And so once your nervous system
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acclimates to this pattern, it can become hardwired in your, in
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your subconscious. Think of it like a Windows
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operating system that's running in the background, right?
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This is your, this is your operating system that's kind of
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running in the background. And it's what your body knows
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and how to be in relationships. So you don't intentionally seek
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others who are emotionally unavailable, but when you
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encounter them, then there's something that is familiar about
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them. And as a result, you may end up
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repeating this pattern without even realizing it, because now
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it's become your attachment or relational pattern again.
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It's something that feels familiar, but it's only once you
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begin to really become more attached to this person that
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your unmet needs begin to get triggered.
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And then you realize that, oh, here I go again, I'm stuck in
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this same pattern. And so with any relational
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dynamic, your protectors then get activated and your coping
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styles kick in when you when you are finding that your needs are
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going unmet. So what was once familiar and
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attractive is now becoming more of a re traumatization for you.
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And when that happens, your coping styles and your
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protectors kick in. And when you feel your partner
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withdrawing, shutting down, or generally emotionally
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unavailable, your attachment needs get hyperactivated.
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And as a result, you start pursuing your partner to try and
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get those needs met. And that is part of your
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relational dynamic. It's part of your protector
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showing up, going, oh, I know what we need to do.
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It's really too vulnerable, It's too dangerous for for us to sit
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with this sense of unsafety and aloneness that we feel crippled
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by when our partner moves away from us.
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So our protectors will come out and we'll Don our Cape and we'll
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say, I know what to do and they will start pursuing the partner.
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And So what happens is in in this part of the dynamic, this
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approach, you often begin to put pressure on your partner to get
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them to open up, express themselves or be emotionally
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attuned to you in ways that may be difficult for them.
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So the more they shut down, the more you pursue until one day
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you wake up and realize this relationship is not working for
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you. But without knowing how to break
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this pattern, it may feel stuck and you may be on a rinse and
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repeat kind of pattern before this completely ends.
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So let's step back for a moment and let's kind of put all of
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this together because there's actually, I mean, even though I
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said all this in about a 5 minute span, this, this actually
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is for some maybe even a lifetime of learning and then
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having to unlearn this pattern. And it's really important.
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I think if we can see ourselves and identify with aspects of it.
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Now, this pattern probably has some variations to it and I
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fully recognize that. But hopefully we're hitting some
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of the major components for you that that you can go, oh, yeah,
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I kind of see that. And at times I have felt that.
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And I certainly can get out of a relationship and then look back
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on it with some reflection and say, oh, yeah, I did it again.
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I know I keep choosing somebody that is unsafe and, and
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emotionally unavailable. And, and I want to add here,
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when I say unsafe, I'm not talking about physical, mental
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or emotional abuse. Sometimes that may be part of
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it, but that's not necessarily what I'm saying here.
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When I say unsafe, I just mean that you're, you're with
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somebody that doesn't make you feel safe and at home in your
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body and in the relationship, meaning that they can't show up
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for you in the way that you need, that meets your attachment
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needs, that meets your relational needs, that meets
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your emotional needs. And so as a result of that,
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there's always this feeling like you're sort of on edge, or
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there's always this feeling like, well, gosh, if we have an
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argument, this could be the last argument we have because if they
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shut down, there's no way I can reach them.
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And what I've tried hasn't worked.
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And so you're always feeling just sort of on the edge of the
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Cliff of will this, this could possibly end or this person will
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never be able to change. I'll never be able to get what I
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need from my partner. And as a result, your, your
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hyper attachment needs are constantly activated and your,
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your protectors show up and you're always sort of right on
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the verge of fight or flight. Your, your central nervous
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system is primed for that pattern to play out over and
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over and over again, in part because you're predisposed to
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it, because it's been an attachment wound and it's been,
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it's part of your trauma history, so to speak.
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And that's why you're predisposed and primed to this.
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So when I say you feel unsafe, I mean that you're always sort of
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on guard. You're always looking out for
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that next moment where he or she could begin to shut down and
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withdrawal and leave you feeling exposed and unalone or alone.
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Excuse me? Leave you feeling exposed and
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certainly alone. So that's sort of how the
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pattern plays out. You meet somebody at first their
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qualities feel very familiar and it's very attractive to you.
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It feels comfortable. And a part of you may even say,
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I know how to deal with this. I know how to deal with this
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situation. I've done this 1000 times.
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But there's also a part of you that may be saying, this time,
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I'm hoping it's different this time, I'm really hoping this
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person doesn't continue to show up in ways that don't meet my
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needs, but that they'll actually figure this out.
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They'll see me and understand me well enough that they'll
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actually be able to show up for me in ways that do meet my
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needs. And so as you get into this
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relationship, then of course, your trauma can become
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triggered. Situational situations can
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trigger your attachment needs that go unmet.
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Your protectors can show up, and pretty soon you can find
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yourself very much in that same situation.
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OK, let's talk about here because this is really what's
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most important is how do we break this?
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How do we end up breaking this pattern?
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Well, one of the first things you need to do is you need to be
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able to notice your body's signals.
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Now typically those that I work with that fall into this pattern
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I'm describing. Why do I choose unsafe and
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unavailable partners tend to be or fall into the more anxiously
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attached style of attachment. So they tend to.
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When I talk about hyperactivating their attachment
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needs, that tends to be more about the anxiously attached
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then it would be the more avoidant.
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It certainly could be part of the disorganized attachment as
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well, but you need to be able to notice your signals in your body
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when you meet somebody and you start finding that you're
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attracted to them beyond just sexual attraction, but emotional
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attraction. Does it come with a sense of
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anxiety? Does it come with a sense of
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neediness or maybe a little bit of obsession where you find
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yourself thinking about them a lot?
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Oh, I felt really seen and heard and, and, and understood by this
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person. And does it come with some sort
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of fear of losing them? You need to be able to pick up
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on your body's signals. Because as I said earlier, there
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may be a part of you that's saying, oh, this feels familiar
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and I know how to deal with this.
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But there's this other part of you that's saying, I don't know
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if this person's really going to be able to show up for me.
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And I can't tell that because I don't have a lot of experience
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of people showing up for me, but there's some kind of caution,
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there's some kind of anxiety that's telling me to slow down.
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And so being able to pay attention to these different
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parts of your body and the signals that you're they're
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sending you is going to be really, really important.
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This is why I myself, as well as many other trauma informed
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coaches, why we're constantly talking about embodied types of
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therapies and body types of coaching programs, because being
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able to pick up on those signals is valuable, valuable, valuable
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information in you determining how you're going to make your
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next move. Do I need to give this time?
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Do I need to step back and see if this person pursues me?
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And so on and so forth are the kinds of questions you need to
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ask early on. A second thing I think in
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helping build or break this pattern is how do you build
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tolerance for healthy love? Who in your life does show up
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for you? Who in your life does show up in
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ways that meet your needs? And you need to practice
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spending time with people who are consistent and responsive
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and emotionally available. That may only be one of your
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parents, That may only be a best friend, That may be a male or
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female best friend you have, but somebody in your life is
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consistent and responsive and emotionally available and you
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need to be able to take in that kind of relationship.
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So practice spending time with people who do show up for you,
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even if it feels strange at 1st. And it definitely will.
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Even if your central nervous system and your body kind of
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goes, this is a little, a little weird.
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I don't know about this. There's something almost a
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little boring about these relationships.
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That's because your body's not used to it.
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It's not used to feeling safe. It's not used to having the
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drama of somebody shutting down, pulling away, or being
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inconsistent. So find people in your life and
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if you don't have them, create those relationships.
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Find people that look steady and stable, that handle themselves
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well, people that you look at and you go, man, I wish I had
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some of what they had. Now, they're not going to be
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perfect. Don't look for perfection in
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others because nobody's perfect. And even though they might be
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consistent and responsive and emotionally available to you,
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doesn't mean they've got all of their other shit together.
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It just means that they might be able to be really good at this
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for you. And so find some people in your
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life that are able to do that. And then last but not least,
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working with your nervous system, practicing mindfulness,
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somatic approaches, and of course something like trauma
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informed coaching can be really helpful.
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Because what you have to do is you've got to learn to be able
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to make your body feel comfortable, being safe, feeling
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comfortable, trusting yourself again and trusting your
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intuition and trusting your feelings when they say yes, this
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person is emotionally available and responsive versus no.
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I think I'm about to repeat the same pattern.
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OK, well, I hope this episode gives you some insight into how
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you might stop repeating this same relational pattern in your
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life. My name is Tom Phillip and I'm
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here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.