Latest / Very Fine Friends / Nosferaturkey

Transcript

Nosferaturkey · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  what's your favorite thanksgiving dish my favorite thanksgiving dish yeah oh that's
• 0:23
  such a tough question because i get so sick of everything so fast but when it's done right i
• 0:29
  feel like stuffing is surprisingly good totally agree yeah oh god so especially with a little
• 0:35
  gravy oh yep yeah but when it's bad it sucks yeah then it's just like eating like dry crackers or
• 0:44
  something but yeah good stuffing is yeah i agree stuffing is my favorite as well really yeah i'm
• 0:50
  not surprised we're like the same person i know um and my mom makes really good stuffing but um
• 0:58
  so but but my family doesn't do traditional thanksgiving meal we do um fettuccine and
• 1:07
  italian sausage which is delicious and amazing um because my mom makes really good fettuccine as well
• 1:14
  uh it's like heart attack inducing it's just like tons of butter and cream and it's just but it's
• 1:19
  awesome it's amazing i don't know why i said but and that's why it's awesome and amazing
• 1:23
  but lately the last few years she's been very nice and she's made stuffing because she knows
• 1:30
  it's my favorite so in addition now at thanksgiving we have stuffing so i'm grateful for that i also
• 1:38
  like the feel of stuffing with my bare hands i like to put some in my shoes and walk around
• 1:45
  I sleep on stuffing as a pillow.
• 1:51
  I wear it as underwear.
• 1:55
  Oh, okay.
• 1:56
  That's what's going on.
• 1:57
  Yeah.
• 1:57
  Oh, yeah.
• 1:58
  That's why I slosh a little when I sit.
• 2:00
  I wasn't going to say anything.
• 2:01
  Well, thank you for being polite.
• 2:03
  Now you know.
• 2:03
  Now I know.
• 2:04
  There aren't other problems going on.
• 2:07
  Others think giving foods.
• 2:09
  Woof.
• 2:09
  Got that out.
• 2:10
  um um like turkey to me is usually such a disappointment sorry turkeys i know you're
• 2:18
  listening like they're it's so often flavorless and i know i mean if you're gonna
• 2:27
  so dry if you're gonna eat a bird a chicken is a superior bird it's just we have it all the time
• 2:36
  so it feels less important or whatever.
• 2:41
  Plus, it doesn't have the heft that a turkey...
• 2:43
  Turkeys get big, man.
• 2:45
  Yeah, big old turkeys.
• 2:46
  Big old turkeys.
• 2:46
  Ooh, they should engineer a giant chicken.
• 2:50
  Oh, that would be terrifying.
• 2:52
  Just for Thanksgiving.
• 2:55
  Just roid out a bunch of chickens.
• 2:58
  Is that a turkey?
• 3:00
  You wish.
• 3:02
  What about desserts?
• 3:04
  What about...
• 3:05
  dessert dessert you know yeah gotta say i love a pecan pie
• 3:12
  i used to make them as a kid it was like my thing
• 3:16
  one of the ladies my dad was with used to make them so i was like i'm
• 3:22
  gonna make them and i got the recipe from the back of the caro
• 3:25
  syrup yeah but i didn't understand how to really bake and i burned every
• 3:31
  single pie because it said to make it to like whatever let's say 45 or 55 minutes or whatever
• 3:35
  and i would open the oven and the pie would still be sloshing about because it has to like set when
• 3:41
  you take it out yeah but i would be like it's sloshing leave it in hour and a half and you
• 3:45
  charred yeah but you learned yeah i put kalua in it too nice yeah it's a nice little how old were
• 3:53
  you i was like 10 yeah i mean i didn't think of it my dad's like hey what about kalua and i was
• 3:59
  like i'm the chef hand it to me so you got a little drunk pecan pie um and you cheesecake also
• 4:07
  oh yeah yeah that's another thing my mom makes really well she makes the best cheesecake
• 4:11
  um so good i don't know i it's one of those things i don't order anywhere else
• 4:17
  because it's like why would i do that it's gonna be inferior i love you guys um i think
• 4:23
  I don't know I like pumpkin pie I've never had pecan pie um and it's now at this point it's out
• 4:31
  of spite for my sister Mary um because her favorite is pecan pie and I told her that it looks the
• 4:38
  pecans gross me out because they look like roaches on top of the pie and then she's like but it tastes
• 4:44
  so good just try it and so now I was like I'm never gonna try it now so she swears she's gonna
• 4:50
  get me to try it before i die but i'm spiteful enough that even if it will be my favorite thing
• 4:56
  in the whole world i'm not gonna try it she'll trick you like a dog and put stuffing on top of
• 5:02
  it she's gonna wrap it in peanut butter and then just hand it to me maybe she'll bake you a roach
• 5:08
  pie but it'll really be pecans oh no i would eat roach pie for sure yeah um
• 5:16
  welcome to very fine friends happy thanksgiving everybody happy thanksgiving
• 5:26
  yeah that's the turkey that we pardoned and i'll commit more crimes
• 5:32
  yep no it wasn't a life or death situation for him we pardoned him from going to jail
• 5:39
  i kill other turkeys
• 5:41
  um so it's thanksgiving happy thanksgiving francis thank you and you as well a very happy
• 5:49
  thanksgiving you know what or a sad one no i want a happy one okay then happy thanksgiving and i want
• 5:55
  you to have happy ones so i'm not even giving you the option okay thank you so happy thanksgiving
• 5:59
  not sad thanksgiving okay i'm smiling yes it looks so authentic
• 6:04
  Like, sugar.
• 6:10
  Thank you, though.
• 6:10
  I appreciate it.
• 6:11
  You're the first to wish it to me.
• 6:13
  Wow.
• 6:14
  I can't believe that.
• 6:15
  I know.
• 6:16
  You've been hustling and bustling about all day.
• 6:18
  In my Thanksgiving outfit.
• 6:19
  I know.
• 6:22
  And your musket.
• 6:23
  You're dressed as a pilgrim.
• 6:24
  Yeah, with a buckle hat.
• 6:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:26
  And white tights.
• 6:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:28
  And a thick woolen coat made from the sheep of my family farm.
• 6:33
  Yep.
• 6:34
  you use the whole sheep you don't you just use the wool yeah my the gloves still have the hooves on
• 6:40
  yeah well whatever you're doing it looks great thank you yeah um well and happy thanksgiving
• 6:50
  i'm not gonna say sad thanksgiving to any of our listeners either i want all of them to have a
• 6:53
  happy thanksgiving yeah sorry sorry that i gave birth to that idea yeah go go to the your other
• 7:00
  room. Frances, go to your other room. Thank you. Well, good. I'm starting out not tripping over my
• 7:09
  words. That's a great way to start this. Yeah. Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast,
• 7:15
  we do something where our producer Joe gives Frances and I each our own secret word. Throughout
• 7:23
  the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation
• 7:29
  without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word,
• 7:34
  they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
• 7:43
  whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 7:49
  Jenna's secret word is carcass. Jenna's decoy word is antibodies.
• 7:55
  Francis's secret word is coiled
• 7:59
  Francis's decoy word is opportunities
• 8:02
  back to the pod
• 8:05
  what's your Thanksgiving resolution?
• 8:08
  to eat a bunch of food
• 8:10
  cool, cool
• 8:13
  that's basically it, just enjoy the day
• 8:16
  yeah
• 8:17
  it's a nice fun day, I've always liked Thanksgiving
• 8:20
  i like it because you you don't agree i don't know if i care i like the fall time yeah i think
• 8:31
  is boring um well my family we we you know there's a bunch of us we're all together and so
• 8:39
  it's very pleasant um okay you might feel i realize what's going on my birthday is is very
• 8:46
  I'm pretty tied up with it, and I feel like I've been wronged.
• 8:50
  You need to have your own special day, for sure.
• 8:53
  Every four years, my birthday lands on Thanksgiving,
• 8:56
  and when people wish me Thanksgiving, I say,
• 8:57
  I think you mean happy birthday.
• 8:59
  Yeah.
• 9:00
  Well, I will never make that mistake.
• 9:03
  Don't worry.
• 9:04
  Promise me that when you're spending Thanksgiving with your family,
• 9:06
  instead of saying happy Thanksgiving, you'll say,
• 9:08
  happy birthday, Francis.
• 9:10
  Oh, yeah, I will.
• 9:11
  We're going to put up birthday decorations.
• 9:14
  Thank you.
• 9:14
  A birthday cake.
• 9:15
  Pinata.
• 9:16
  No pie.
• 9:16
  Shaped like me.
• 9:19
  Then we give a bat to that piñata, and it hits another piñata shaped like someone that is supposed to do a happy Thanksgiving.
• 9:26
  You know it makes me happy.
• 9:27
  Your piñata beats the crap out of the other piñata.
• 9:30
  I don't want your piñata to be destroyed, basically.
• 9:33
  I appreciate that.
• 9:34
  Yeah.
• 9:35
  We find any turkeys that were pardoned, we just slaughter them because there was no reason for them to be pardoned in the first place.
• 9:42
  Yeah, and I always need backup gloves.
• 9:46
  just a little turkey claws
• 9:48
  oh did i say hooves yeah oh because we're talking about sheep yeah sheep yeah
• 9:56
  no it all checked i'm okay i'm okay oh but now i want you to make a little like neck scarf that
• 10:01
  has the the wobble the waddle thing on it uh in about 20 years i'm gonna have my own
• 10:06
  yeah how come humans don't accessorize with their own waddles they kind of do
• 10:11
  i guess yeah but but we should do it voluntarily we should lean into it
• 10:15
  so then when you eventually grow your own it's it's not it's a little more natural seeming
• 10:21
  model that waddle they should come out with a line of waddle rouge
• 10:25
  where you just make it's like red yeah yeah um maybelline if you're listening and we know you are
• 10:37
  waddle rouge when you make it give us credit yeah and money i don't want just credit no no
• 10:44
  Oh, yeah, no, by credit, I meant all the dollars that are going to come from that sweet Waddle Rouge payday you're about to get.
• 10:53
  Thank you.
• 10:54
  That sounds like a battle from the Revolutionary War.
• 10:58
  The battle of Waddle Rouge.
• 11:01
  And you know what?
• 11:02
  It will be in court if you don't give us credit.
• 11:05
  Yeah.
• 11:06
  We're ready.
• 11:09
  If we're done with all this Thanksgiving talk.
• 11:12
  I'm done with it.
• 11:13
  There's one more thing that we can be thankful for.
• 11:17
  The invention of the week.
• 11:22
  Inventions.
• 11:26
  I thought you were going to say my birthday.
• 11:29
  I do have an invention.
• 11:32
  It's going to seem not Thanksgiving related.
• 11:36
  That's okay.
• 11:37
  Okay, because it's not.
• 11:38
  but do you know how even though people there's no vampires we don't really know that
• 11:49
  a hundred percent uh yeah you can't prove a negative yeah yeah exactly um i've got a way
• 11:59
  to make sure there's no vampires whoa so you can prove a negative well after this
• 12:07
  yeah yeah well okay this will only help for people who are buried but i think it will cut
• 12:12
  down on the vampire population um significantly the vampire it'll cut down on the population
• 12:19
  which is already zero that we know of because right we can guarantee that it's closer to zero
• 12:27
  than it hypothetically already is okay if you hate this i have a backup but this came to me
• 12:33
  and I thought this has to be done.
• 12:35
  And here's why I thought of it.
• 12:37
  Okay, I mean, we've been needing a good practical vampire invention for some time.
• 12:42
  I'm trying to help humanity here.
• 12:43
  Yes.
• 12:44
  Even though I don't care if vampires take out a bunch of people, I really don't care.
• 12:49
  Vampires, if you're listening, you do you.
• 12:53
  I don't care.
• 12:55
  Yeah, I don't care.
• 12:56
  I don't even know if I would help someone.
• 12:59
  They were running from a vampire.
• 13:02
  Yeah.
• 13:02
  I probably wouldn't.
• 13:03
  either i just go but you just watch him run and then you'd be like yeah yeah and then if you see
• 13:09
  a vampire chasing them you're like i'm not getting involved now yeah they've made their decision yeah
• 13:13
  and i have a movie to get to so here's the invention and i was inspired by this because
• 13:18
  i was reading about how in the past people would get buried and then they would still be alive
• 13:22
  and and that's where the phrase saved by the bell comes from oh really yeah so they would tie a bell
• 13:27
  like in a string would go into the coffin and like if someone woke up they would ring the bell
• 13:32
  and then they would know that people were actually still alive.
• 13:35
  Wow.
• 13:36
  Yeah.
• 13:37
  And is that, so the TV show Saved by the Bell,
• 13:40
  is that what that's about?
• 13:42
  Zach Morris was accidentally buried alive.
• 13:45
  Yes, but he never talked about it.
• 13:47
  When you wake up in your coffin and you're feeling good,
• 13:50
  it's all right because you're saved by the bell.
• 13:54
  Is that the theme song?
• 13:55
  Well, yeah, you don't remember?
• 13:57
  I never watched it.
• 13:58
  I skipped a whole bunch of lyrics, but I liked,
• 14:00
  I was amused with myself for when you wake up in a coffin because it's normally when you wake up in the morning and I don't remember the rest of it after that.
• 14:09
  Yeah, we could probably pitch a show after this episode.
• 14:12
  Okay.
• 14:12
  Yeah.
• 14:13
  We'll reimagine Saved by the Bell.
• 14:16
  Anyway, here's the invention.
• 14:17
  Okay.
• 14:19
  In a coffin lid, there is a stake on a hinge.
• 14:28
  and it's on a motion sensor.
• 14:31
  And if there's any motion at all,
• 14:34
  the stake comes out
• 14:35
  and stabs the person in the heart.
• 14:40
  Okay.
• 14:42
  Wait, is this the invention?
• 14:46
  Yes.
• 14:47
  Okay.
• 14:47
  I want to make sure you need...
• 14:49
  Remember a few seconds ago
• 14:52
  when you were talking about
• 14:52
  how people accidentally get buried alive?
• 14:56
  That was a long time ago.
• 14:58
  it's over now
• 14:59
  don't you want them to stay down
• 15:02
  like I don't want to deal with that
• 15:04
  but I like knowing they're dead
• 15:06
  for sure
• 15:06
  what if someone was accidentally
• 15:10
  buried alive and then they're like
• 15:11
  they wake up and they're like oh no
• 15:13
  and then the steak
• 15:16
  just immediately kills them
• 15:18
  and then that it you could make it like it just enough It like a little puncture wound
• 15:29
  So it's enough to kill a vampire.
• 15:30
  But if it's a real person, then they're just lightly scuffed.
• 15:34
  Everyone knows that it has to go into the heart.
• 15:38
  Or it could be a gun with silver bullets.
• 15:41
  Wait, isn't that a werewolf?
• 15:43
  Oh.
• 15:45
  And also more deadly than a wooden stake.
• 15:48
  well here's the thing is that once you say goodbye to someone
• 15:58
  you've already let them go
• 16:03
  so it's okay you've so if you accidentally so it's like if your loved one accidentally gets
• 16:13
  buried alive in your mind it's over it's done with you don't want to deal with it you don't
• 16:18
  want to deal with them coming back oh i've mentally to me you're already dead it would
• 16:23
  just be easier could you just just die i already gave all your clothes to goodwill yeah well yeah
• 16:30
  and also there's no bells anymore okay here's so i like knowing that they're not panicking down
• 16:40
  there they were murdered by my invention so it's so it kills vampires but then if there's anyone
• 16:48
  that was buried alive it's like a mercy kill yeah see before you were acting like i was being
• 16:54
  malicious i don't think you're malicious uh i don't know how to say this delicately
• 17:00
  i thought maybe you were being stupid
• 17:02
  not malicious um thank you for thank you for that putting it so delicately yeah i just think that um
• 17:15
  that's it's just a nice way to know for sure that um there's no vampires and grandma stays dead
• 17:24
  okay alternately why not just stab every dead person in the heart with a steak
• 17:31
  i feel like that's more crimey i don't know if they're gonna let us do that
• 17:37
  do you think we could lobby to get legislation passed
• 17:40
  where it's like right before they go down someone just walks up and just
• 17:45
  yeah
• 17:45
  i don't think we need the government involved in this uh this can be a voluntary system um and you
• 17:54
  just hope that the mortician doesn't like call the cops and like you're not gonna believe what
• 17:57
  well I was thinking it would be part of the mortician
• 17:59
  package oh they do it
• 18:01
  they embalm they stab with a wooden stake
• 18:03
  oh you don't want to see how the vampire's made
• 18:05
  you want it behind the curtain
• 18:07
  well yeah I mean
• 18:08
  well that's what is happening with the coffin
• 18:11
  stake
• 18:12
  we could do like an open and casket
• 18:15
  situation everyone after they say their
• 18:17
  goodbyes gets to do a quick little stab
• 18:19
  and like instead of throwing flowers on the
• 18:21
  grave everyone and then it's like it's a
• 18:23
  it's a party thing it's fun
• 18:24
  and you could take your stake home as
• 18:26
  funeral
• 18:28
  memorabilia.
• 18:30
  And then, like, someone holds the stake
• 18:32
  and, like, throws it behind them
• 18:34
  and everyone has to try and catch it.
• 18:36
  Whoever catches it dies next.
• 18:41
  Fun fact, that's where
• 18:42
  the term stakeholder came from.
• 18:50
  Yes.
• 18:53
  I know that it's not practical
• 18:54
  and I know that, like,
• 18:55
  it doesn't help you or I
• 18:58
  but I think there's
• 19:00
  some value in knowing that
• 19:01
  there is no more undead if there was
• 19:04
  well wait
• 19:07
  so vampires
• 19:09
  when people die they don't just become
• 19:12
  vampires they need to be bitten
• 19:14
  by a vampire right
• 19:15
  are you thinking zombies
• 19:17
  depends what you watch
• 19:19
  no you're right
• 19:20
  I'm not thinking zombies I'm thinking vampires
• 19:23
  I'm thinking vampires
• 19:24
  Yes, they have to be bitten or they have to drank the blood of a vampire.
• 19:33
  Oh, really?
• 19:35
  Because a vampire, they turn you like this.
• 19:38
  They bite their wrist and they give it to you.
• 19:45
  Or sometimes they let you suckle their bloody wrist.
• 19:48
  And then not too much because they can't lose too much of their blood.
• 19:51
  and then over the next few days
• 19:53
  you have a horrible
• 19:55
  death as
• 19:57
  you become not human
• 20:00
  anymore and then they have to put you to sleep
• 20:02
  typically in a coffin
• 20:03
  and then like three days later
• 20:05
  you come out of the coffin a vampire
• 20:07
  so you're saying
• 20:10
  there's a chance grandma might have drank
• 20:12
  some vampire blood
• 20:13
  just to be safe
• 20:15
  just to be safe
• 20:18
  let's
• 20:19
  put a little stake in her coffin.
• 20:24
  Yeah.
• 20:25
  Yeah.
• 20:26
  Yeah.
• 20:27
  Okay.
• 20:28
  My other invention was a car toilet, so...
• 20:42
  Okay.
• 20:43
  What are you naming this invention?
• 20:46
  I'm naming it Vamp By.
• 20:48
  or no yeah vampire like by like by vampire like goodbye vampire yeah vamp
• 20:59
  by er
• 21:02
  is there a saying this goodbye that's like ooh la la or too la la what am i thinking i'm thinking
• 21:12
  Toodle-oo.
• 21:13
  Toodle-oo.
• 21:13
  Toodle-oo.
• 21:14
  Because it could be like, nah, I was thinking Dracula-la, but that doesn't make sense.
• 21:19
  No, that's like if Dracula had a fancy dress shop.
• 21:24
  Dracula-la.
• 21:26
  Oh.
• 21:27
  Dracula-ator.
• 21:29
  Not bad.
• 21:30
  That's not bad at all.
• 21:32
  Joe's been coming up real quick with the better ones.
• 21:39
  You do all the heavy lifting.
• 21:41
  You come up with the invention itself.
• 21:42
  Yeah.
• 21:43
  I don't have enough brain cells to devise.
• 21:47
  I do neither of them.
• 21:49
  Every four years.
• 21:51
  Who's stupid now?
• 21:51
  When Thanksgiving lands on my birthday, I get 10% smarter.
• 21:55
  Oh.
• 21:56
  You're like a leap baby with intelligence?
• 21:59
  Oh, that's a good name for something.
• 22:00
  I'm going to make an invention just for that.
• 22:02
  I knew it.
• 22:03
  I knew you started with a name and worked backwards.
• 22:05
  Yeah.
• 22:09
  So, you hate it.
• 22:11
  I think you're going to have a hard time getting people on board with installing these in coffins.
• 22:18
  I think they'll probably accidentally be triggered a lot and then poor grant.
• 22:23
  So what?
• 22:25
  You're done.
• 22:27
  People don't like the idea of their dead loved ones being defiled.
• 22:33
  Yeah, why not just make it a practice for coffins to lay out on open ground for three days?
• 22:39
  And then if the person does get out, then they'll be burned by the sun.
• 22:43
  And then.
• 22:44
  What if they got out at night?
• 22:45
  Well, you just have someone there.
• 22:48
  Yeah.
• 22:49
  Don't you like.
• 22:50
  You know what?
• 22:50
  I know why you guys don't like this.
• 22:51
  I just remembered.
• 22:52
  I forgot to say you're going to love this.
• 22:55
  Oh.
• 22:57
  Yeah.
• 22:58
  If I could save it real quick.
• 23:00
  The hinge is proprietary.
• 23:02
  Oh, oh.
• 23:03
  Well, you didn't tell me that.
• 23:04
  Yeah.
• 23:04
  I mean, isn't there a little bit of whimsy in a hinge going off six feet underground and stabbing someone?
• 23:11
  What if you were, well, okay, here's something that I think would help this invention.
• 23:16
  Make sure that it's like loud enough so that like if you're just walking through a graveyard and then suddenly you hear like a thunk.
• 23:23
  Oh, we got one.
• 23:25
  And then you like look to see who it is.
• 23:27
  And then it's like, then it'll actually normalize people like walking around graveyards.
• 23:32
  Yeah, true.
• 23:32
  Or maybe like it connected to Wi-Fi.
• 23:34
  So if it goes off in a graveyard, it could be like sugar.
• 23:38
  Yes.
• 23:40
  Puss in boots.
• 23:45
  Yeah.
• 23:46
  I mean, I get it.
• 23:47
  It was kind of out there.
• 23:50
  I was just nervous to talk about the toilet.
• 23:54
  Well, I think your instincts were good on that one.
• 23:58
  all right so vampire draculator draculator is good listener listeners put it
• 24:12
  in your will make it a stipulation in your will that you want a coffin stake
• 24:19
  and and spell it right or we'll be delivering sizzling rib eyes
• 24:27
  yes yes homophones are tricky people we're gonna be delivering rib eyes that are going like
• 24:37
  oh my god coughing steaks coffin steaks but you know what i just realized that's
• 24:42
  you you made me think of a good point in some cuts of meat there is a steak-shaped bone
• 24:50
  oh like a t-bone yeah so you could use that so here's what we'll do a steak steak
• 25:00
  steak steak here's what we'll do i just thought of this okay we'll put a deliciously cooked t-bone
• 25:06
  on the hinge if they wake up they've got a steak to eat if they survive being impaled
• 25:16
  by the bone it's like a little treat hey you lived yes yeah and we keep farmers in business
• 25:24
  okay but if they're vampires wouldn't they want it not to be cooked
• 25:28
  well this is for if it's not a vampire oh grandma wakes up oh
• 25:33
  oh my heart hurts
• 25:38
  but my stomach doesn't yeah and then we could put a loaded gun next to her so when she's finished
• 25:46
  with her last meal, she can kill herself.
• 25:56
  Dizzy again.
• 25:59
  Dizzy again.
• 26:00
  I think I saved it.
• 26:02
  Yeah, that was the tweak that was needed
• 26:05
  to make this a winner.
• 26:08
  Yeah.
• 26:09
  All right.
• 26:10
  Cool.
• 26:11
  Well, I mean, coffin makers, get ready.
• 26:14
  your whole inventory is about to change and you can charge whatever you want for this
• 26:19
  people will pay people are desperate yes to know that they're not going to be a vampire or
• 26:28
  not going to have vampires be around well there's a quick there's an easy trick to get people to
• 26:33
  buy anything what do you mean we just say uh we'll mark up you're gonna love this we'll mark
• 26:39
  up the cop so it's like mark up the coffin like oh the coffin's 7 000 although really it's
• 26:43
  It's $5,500.
• 26:45
  Or I can give you a discount if you want the steak steak.
• 26:49
  And it's a different marked up price that's lower than $7,000.
• 26:55
  But we'll give you this additional feature and it's cheaper.
• 26:58
  Doesn't that make it sound like something you wouldn't want?
• 27:01
  You got to pay more to not have it.
• 27:02
  It's a manufacturer's rebate thing.
• 27:04
  I'm just offering it to you because it's required by law.
• 27:07
  yeah you basically came up with hulu with ads for the steak steak
• 27:13
  i should apply to work with them i'm i'm pretty sure they'll be on the phone as soon as they hear
• 27:21
  this episode well they probably want to get into the the vampire eradication business
• 27:25
  yeah aren't there enough of them in hollywood oh oh you uh okay the vampire or the dracula
• 27:37
  later i like steak steak too steak steak wait oh yeah okay i was gonna say which one comes first
• 27:43
  but the meat one comes first yeah the steak steak uh well go to veryfinefriends.com
• 27:52
  we will have a legal form up there that if you sign it and then it's legally binding and you're
• 28:00
  whoever is the executor of your estate when you die will have to put a steak steak
• 28:05
  in your coffin. And if you demand not to be
• 28:08
  buried in a coffin after this comes out
• 28:09
  we will know there's probably a very
• 28:12
  good reason why you're doing that. Yeah.
• 28:15
  Well
• 28:15
  what about the people who get cremated?
• 28:18
  They get left out.
• 28:20
  There's a hinge in the crematorium
• 28:22
  oven.
• 28:24
  Right before it turns on.
• 28:26
  If you burned a vampire would it not
• 28:28
  die if you cremated a vampire?
• 28:30
  No they won't die.
• 28:32
  The ashes will assemble.
• 28:35
  Wow.
• 28:36
  Do they say ashes assemble?
• 28:40
  Yeah, that's just.
• 28:42
  That's some proprietary technology right there.
• 28:45
  Yeah, I wish I could take credit for it.
• 28:47
  I don't know how it works.
• 28:49
  Whoever has the patent on that is raking in the money.
• 28:53
  Yeah.
• 28:53
  So it's like in Terminator 2 when the.
• 28:57
  The was it the T-1000, whichever the one Robert Patrick's character is.
• 29:01
  That's like the liquid metal.
• 29:03
  Yeah, yeah.
• 29:03
  And when it breaks apart and then it like comes together and it becomes liquid again.
• 29:07
  Yeah.
• 29:07
  Yeah.
• 29:08
  It's that's what their ashes are like.
• 29:10
  Um, yeah.
• 29:12
  Oh, well, it's obvious to me now.
• 29:14
  I am convinced.
• 29:16
  Okay.
• 29:17
  Uh, well, yeah, like, like I said, we'll have a form up on our website that is legally binding
• 29:22
  because Francis is a lawyer.
• 29:23
  So all you have to do is sign this and then you will some, they will have to put the steak
• 29:29
  steak, the Draculator in your coffin.
• 29:31
  so yeah go to veryfinefriends.com
• 29:34
  and um
• 29:36
  yeah maybe when the hinge goes off
• 29:39
  it could say happy thanksgiving
• 29:41
  it says
• 29:43
  happy francis's birthday
• 29:44
  yeah happy francis's birthday
• 29:46
  yep
• 29:48
  who's francis
• 29:52
  all right
• 29:54
  who's francis
• 29:56
  yeah who's francis
• 29:58
  gun
• 29:59
  oh well i think that that does it that wraps up the invention of the week
• 30:10
  listeners i know that you're probably all gathered round listening to this with your family
• 30:21
  because it's Thanksgiving and all.
• 30:26
  But it's time to step away from the cranberry sauce.
• 30:32
  Unbutton your pants.
• 30:33
  Just step away from the stuffing and the green beans
• 30:40
  and the carcass of your turkey.
• 30:43
  Or your genetically modified humongous chicken Yep Get ready for our next segment Turkey Day colon family food
• 30:58
  Hey there, Sizzler.
• 31:00
  What's your favorite Thanksgiving food?
• 31:02
  In this segment,
• 31:08
  Francis and I will be simulating
• 31:10
  what it's like
• 31:13
  when you're getting together with that family
• 31:16
  you haven't seen in a while
• 31:17
  and you argue about things.
• 31:20
  You argue about the little things.
• 31:23
  We're not going to argue about politics,
• 31:24
  but we'll find things to argue about.
• 31:27
  Yeah.
• 31:28
  we will be assuming the roles of family members at thanksgiving that haven't seen each other all
• 31:38
  year or longer yeah or longer fade in the buffet table at jenna and francis's family thanksgiving
• 31:48
  jenna coyly begins to scoop some potato salad francis is also going for the potato salad their
• 31:56
  hands meet they recognize each other they're cousins who haven't seen each other in a very
• 32:01
  long time jenna oh hey frank right no oh sorry sorry sorry yeah it was i was thinking uncle frank
• 32:13
  why well because it's your dad and i call him frank anyway what hey how's it going potato salad
• 32:21
  at thanksgiving kind of a weird choice huh yeah yeah yeah i would have thought mashed potatoes but
• 32:26
  when did you get out of prison uh i didn't know we would be bringing that up
• 32:35
  four four days ago i'm sorry you're not you're not sensitive about it right no no no no you know
• 32:42
  what i did my time i paid my debt to society it's fine okay yeah no you're fully redeemed in my eyes
• 32:51
  i was just surprised to see you because of the violent nature of the crime you committed
• 32:54
  well guess who didn't think it would be a surprise for me to be here the parole board
• 33:01
  yeah our system is pretty over overstuffed so good to see you oh you look great great new tattoos
• 33:09
  thank you thanks yeah we got a lot of time in the yard so i got a lot of exercise yeah yeah and it's
• 33:17
  it's hard to be
• 33:20
  it's hard to be vegan in prison
• 33:22
  let's just say that but
• 33:23
  I tried to find a way
• 33:27
  and anyway
• 33:30
  and here you are having potato salad
• 33:32
  well yeah
• 33:33
  so you're back on mayonnaise huh
• 33:35
  you make sacrifices
• 33:38
  yeah
• 33:38
  well like I said good to see you
• 33:42
  I'm happy you're here
• 33:43
  if I
• 33:47
  see um any opportunities for you i'll let you know oh uh opportunities for what um for work
• 33:57
  oh yeah well my parole officer is kind of breathing down my neck already it's been four days
• 34:04
  sandra leave me alone is that the is that the person that's yeah that's she's here she's
• 34:10
  she's literally breathing down my neck flight risk huh i'm just kidding i'm kidding yeah yeah
• 34:15
  You're a good person, Jenna.
• 34:17
  Thanks.
• 34:18
  Thank you, Francis.
• 34:21
  That's it.
• 34:22
  Francis.
• 34:22
  See? I knew you could change.
• 34:24
  So, how's it going with you?
• 34:29
  Do you still have the world's largest cabbage patch collection?
• 34:42
  I can't believe you.
• 34:43
  i know you couldn't have known this but there was a fire they all they all burned up oh god i i
• 34:53
  don't have anything anymore there were so many of them that must have just been like one giant
• 34:58
  plastic ball so many cabbage you had like over a thousand cabbage patch kids i was in guinness
• 35:09
  Yeah.
• 35:10
  Yeah.
• 35:10
  Listen,
• 35:11
  it's not supposed to be happy.
• 35:13
  I've started a new doll collection and it's not cabbage patches.
• 35:18
  Oh,
• 35:18
  I thought,
• 35:19
  Oh,
• 35:20
  I'm sorry.
• 35:21
  I thought you,
• 35:22
  I thought you went to therapy for this doll thing of yours.
• 35:27
  Um,
• 35:28
  yeah.
• 35:28
  I mean,
• 35:29
  the whole,
• 35:29
  we had a whole family.
• 35:31
  I actually,
• 35:32
  I called in from prison for the family conference call about this.
• 35:37
  Hey,
• 35:37
  I thought it was,
• 35:38
  that was nice of you.
• 35:39
  I'm surprised you used your one phone call.
• 35:42
  Well, I mean, it's family after all.
• 35:45
  Yeah, they let you.
• 35:46
  I'm doing better now, you know?
• 35:48
  But you're starting another doll collection?
• 35:51
  Yeah, I went with American doll.
• 35:54
  American girl dolls?
• 35:55
  That's it.
• 35:56
  Wow, you really upgraded.
• 35:58
  You really upgraded.
• 35:59
  That's a much more expensive collection.
• 36:02
  Well, the insurance money from the Cabbage Patch situation really worked out in my favor.
• 36:07
  Yeah.
• 36:07
  about that
• 36:09
  did they ever clear
• 36:13
  this of being arson
• 36:15
  you want some of this pie
• 36:17
  no no I'm good
• 36:20
  I don't need any roach pie
• 36:21
  it's Kahlua roach
• 36:22
  okay more for me
• 36:25
  I'm gonna go say hi to grandpa real quick
• 36:27
  wait wait wait hang on
• 36:28
  so how much was
• 36:31
  the insurance money
• 36:32
  wait sorry say that again
• 36:37
  Sorry, I had a nice big fat potato in my mouth.
• 36:39
  I said, um...
• 36:41
  Is that it?
• 36:44
  Two.
• 36:45
  Two.
• 36:48
  Two million doll hairs.
• 36:50
  Very funny.
• 36:52
  It was two million dollars.
• 36:55
  What kind of an insurance company let you have a policy on dolls that big?
• 37:00
  Well, it turns out most of them don't burn to a crisp in a fire,
• 37:04
  so the rates were really low.
• 37:06
  um i hope you're not looking at me weird just because i'm rich now are you rich sounds like
• 37:14
  you immediately went out and bought more dolls i did i did i i spent 1.875 million dollars on
• 37:21
  american girl dolls and 1.25
• 37:27
  million dollars on american girl doll clothes
• 37:33
  huh my therapist says that many men do that really your therapist said many men buy two
• 37:47
  million dollars worth of american girl doll clothes dolls and accessories well my therapist
• 37:53
  is from artha's vineyard and it's normal is your therapist the one that's standing right there
• 38:00
  behind you that that man i don't recognize yeah he just wants to make sure i um i don't
• 38:05
  piss in the potato salad can i talk to your therapist um well i'm gonna go to the bathroom
• 38:11
  i can't really stop you from that i appreciate if you didn't though
• 38:13
  oh doc doc what the hell why are you enabling him like this some cases can't be cured
• 38:26
  and only managed.
• 38:29
  I really can't say much more,
• 38:31
  but I can talk in code due to
• 38:33
  patient-doctor confidentiality
• 38:35
  and HIPAA law.
• 38:37
  Okay.
• 38:39
  Let me ask you a question.
• 38:42
  Is he insane?
• 38:44
  Yes, he's batshit.
• 38:46
  Ooh, good code.
• 38:47
  Clinically batshit.
• 38:49
  He's a monstrous demon
• 38:53
  who should be put down.
• 38:56
  Via shotgun.
• 39:01
  What?
• 39:02
  Why are you?
• 39:04
  So what are you doing to manage?
• 39:06
  The state is paying me to follow his every move.
• 39:10
  Where they say a burned cabbage patch doll exists,
• 39:14
  an American girl doll fire is imminent.
• 39:19
  Well known in DSM-5.
• 39:22
  He scares me.
• 39:24
  So you're following him around to ensure that there isn't another gigantic fire.
• 39:29
  Yes.
• 39:30
  I'm like the guy in Halloween.
• 39:32
  Oh, the creepy doctor?
• 39:35
  Yes.
• 39:36
  Oh.
• 39:37
  But different.
• 39:38
  Not creepy.
• 39:38
  Approachable and cool.
• 39:40
  Well, you are surprisingly easy to talk to.
• 39:45
  I shouldn't be telling you this.
• 39:47
  At our last session, he brought deli meats and put them on his face like a mask.
• 39:51
  It was horrifying.
• 39:52
  and he offered me the meat
• 39:54
  and I said no and he got very upset
• 39:57
  he pulled an American girl doll out
• 39:59
  and ripped the arm out of its socket
• 40:01
  and slapped the doll with its own arm
• 40:03
  it was horrifying
• 40:04
  freak show, scary
• 40:06
  he's the reason I have a plate glass in my office now
• 40:09
  you have a glass in between
• 40:11
  you and your patients?
• 40:13
  no, just him
• 40:13
  he leaves, I take it down
• 40:16
  your cousin is ill
• 40:18
  well then why isn't he locked up?
• 40:21
  or overcrowding how about even better what's with the shotgun solution maybe we revisit that
• 40:31
  yes i'd love to with the state won't let me therapuse him him and shoot him that is one or
• 40:40
  the others in my oath well why didn't you choose shooting didn't know it was batshit till i got to
• 40:47
  gnome and i oh you already committed to therapusing him yes uh yes um anyway please forget i've said
• 40:56
  anything uh i'm gonna stand back in the corner okay oh uh francis hey hey you're back oh what is
• 41:08
  that turkey on your face no yeah you want a treat no no no i i'm good i'm good thanks um
• 41:16
  hey i'm gonna run to the bathroom do me a favor don't talk to my parole officer
• 41:23
  sandra oh why would i okay
• 41:27
  hi i'm francis oh i am sandra
• 41:34
  sandra um i'm a parole officer yeah i hope you don't mind me asking why is she out she's clearly
• 41:43
  a sick, sick criminal.
• 41:45
  Well,
• 41:46
  I don't want to violate
• 41:49
  parole officer
• 41:50
  parole-y confidentiality.
• 41:54
  Pinky promise?
• 41:55
  I won't say anything.
• 41:56
  I'll speak in code.
• 41:58
  Oh, better.
• 41:58
  Better.
• 42:01
  She's insane.
• 42:04
  She
• 42:05
  found out
• 42:08
  the names and addresses
• 42:10
  of everyone on the parole board.
• 42:12
  how many kids they had, how many pets they had.
• 42:17
  She knows where the pets and the kids both go to school.
• 42:26
  She's threatened.
• 42:27
  She's threatened all the whole parole board.
• 42:30
  Oh, my meaty God.
• 42:31
  Did you ever hear the story of Douglas McJeffries,
• 42:40
  That gentleman who's the one who had his son and his cat kidnapped.
• 42:48
  Yeah, everyone knows about that guy.
• 42:53
  And then Douglas McJeffries died.
• 42:57
  Yeah.
• 42:59
  He used to be on the parole board.
• 43:01
  He couldn't be bought, he said.
• 43:05
  He wouldn't be blackmailed.
• 43:07
  Mortadella.
• 43:10
  By the way, you have glowing skin.
• 43:13
  It's natural.
• 43:15
  What's your skin routine?
• 43:17
  Meet.
• 43:18
  So you're saying...
• 43:20
  I don't understand what this could possibly be code for.
• 43:25
  Oh, sorry.
• 43:27
  It's not.
• 43:28
  I was just being forthright.
• 43:33
  Oh, she did all that stuff?
• 43:35
  I broke my oath.
• 43:37
  My P.O. oath.
• 43:40
  Wow, we need to get her back in prison.
• 43:43
  I don't feel comfortable sleeping in my meat mask knowing she's out there stalking the streets.
• 43:48
  You and me both, why do you think I'm here?
• 43:52
  I don't trust her.
• 43:53
  I'll help you.
• 43:54
  I'll do anything.
• 43:55
  We can frame her.
• 43:55
  We can set her up.
• 43:57
  I could put a shank in the potato.
• 44:00
  No.
• 44:00
  She's got a proprietary anti-chic mouth.
• 44:07
  She's a monster.
• 44:07
  she she got it in prison oh god people kept trying to shank her mouth oh my meat
• 44:14
  what do you suggest sandra well first i'm gonna go round two on this stuff and
• 44:22
  it's really good isn't it so good it's our mom oh i like how you say our mom
• 44:30
  like she's a shared mother with anybody else and not like the stuffing's made of her yes yeah
• 44:36
  Wait, what?
• 44:39
  It's a family recipe.
• 44:42
  Does the family part mean it includes your family?
• 44:46
  That's why it's so good.
• 44:47
  I don't even care.
• 44:49
  I just love it.
• 44:49
  Yeah.
• 44:50
  So have your Stefan.
• 44:52
  Yeah.
• 44:52
  We'll figure out how to get her back in the yard.
• 44:57
  Oh, shoot.
• 44:57
  She's coming back.
• 45:01
  Hey.
• 45:02
  Hey, Jenna.
• 45:04
  Uh, you weren't talking to Sandra, were you?
• 45:08
  Who's that?
• 45:09
  My parole officer, the woman who's elbow deep in the stuffing right now.
• 45:14
  Oh, no, I didn't even notice.
• 45:16
  I was trying to peer through a thin veil of meat to see if I could make out family members still.
• 45:23
  So, I totally forgot to ask, how's Wankles doing?
• 45:33
  Your dog.
• 45:37
  Your dog winkles.
• 45:38
  Winkles.
• 45:39
  You know, the one that you take for a walk every morning at 8.13 a.m.
• 45:44
  And sometimes you bring him to the dog park and you let him off the leash.
• 45:48
  And he's a good boy, so he always comes back to you.
• 45:51
  And hopefully he always will.
• 45:54
  He's fine, Jenna.
• 45:56
  How's Samuel McClevitz and his husband, Jeremy?
• 46:02
  Jeffrey's
• 46:03
  McDougal?
• 46:08
  Yes How did you know that that the nickname for Douglas McJeffries
• 46:18
  Jeremy Jeffries McDougal is what his husband called him affectionately.
• 46:25
  How did you know that?
• 46:26
  How did you know that?
• 46:28
  Well, I make it my business to know things.
• 46:33
  I don't think you're ready to be out in the world.
• 46:36
  I don't think you're ready to have dolls.
• 46:38
  What?
• 46:39
  Take that meat off your face.
• 46:41
  No, stop.
• 46:42
  Stop.
• 46:43
  No, you put Molly down.
• 46:46
  No, I'm putting meat on her face now.
• 46:47
  No, don't you dare.
• 46:49
  She went through so much.
• 46:50
  It's just a little piece.
• 46:51
  It's Capical.
• 46:52
  No, that's going to remind her of the war that she lived through.
• 46:59
  Look.
• 47:00
  Look at you.
• 47:02
  What?
• 47:03
  Teardrop tattoo.
• 47:04
  Shank scar.
• 47:06
  yeah but not in my mouth
• 47:08
  I have proprietary anti-shake technology
• 47:11
  in my mouth
• 47:11
  I don't even know what that means
• 47:13
  who are you?
• 47:14
  we used to play together
• 47:15
  you used to be my doll
• 47:16
  and I used to
• 47:20
  put you on my face like meat
• 47:22
  alright well I think that's
• 47:28
  a pretty good representation
• 47:29
  of what a normal Thanksgiving looks like
• 47:31
  see you next year
• 47:32
  happy birthday
• 47:34
  yeah
• 47:34
  we did it
• 47:36
  That has been Turkey Day.
• 47:40
  A beautiful look inside the American justice system.
• 47:45
  On Turkey Day, colon, family food.
• 47:51
  Yeah, that was some tough turkey.
• 47:56
  It's time for one last segment.
• 48:00
  The big question.
• 48:02
  Big question.
• 48:03
  Whoa!
• 48:04
  I'm in the shadow of a big question.
• 48:08
  The question is very big.
• 48:12
  I was made to understand that Joe might have a big question for us.
• 48:18
  Ugh.
• 48:19
  It's huge.
• 48:20
  Oh my god, huge.
• 48:21
  Huge.
• 48:23
  So I feel like people have pretty strong opinions on holidays and which ones are their favorite and their least favorite.
• 48:30
  What's your guys' least favorite holiday?
• 48:33
  and why?
• 48:36
  And optional follow-up question,
• 48:39
  what new holiday would you make in its place?
• 48:41
  Ooh, I love that.
• 48:43
  I love to invent, as you know.
• 48:46
  That's true, you do.
• 48:47
  Well, come up with the name of the holiday first.
• 48:50
  Flashback to car toilet.
• 48:53
  Great question, Joe.
• 48:55
  Thank you, Francis.
• 48:57
  Hmm, let me think about this.
• 49:00
  Well, I know what my least favorite is.
• 49:03
  Can I guess?
• 49:04
  Yes.
• 49:05
  Is it a major one?
• 49:07
  Yes.
• 49:09
  New Year's?
• 49:11
  No.
• 49:12
  Okay.
• 49:13
  Is it Halloween?
• 49:14
  No.
• 49:16
  Well, Joe knows what it is.
• 49:18
  No, I was going to say that.
• 49:19
  Okay, it used to be Halloween.
• 49:22
  But I've come to terms with Halloween because to me, Halloween now feels more like the gateway
• 49:28
  into the rest of the year, which is my favorite time of year.
• 49:33
  so i'm okay with it because it's like now it's like oh well if halloween is coming
• 49:36
  then that means we're gonna be in november and then thanksgiving and christmas and new year's
• 49:42
  i like all of them um i would also probably enjoy halloween too if i had like an actual house in a
• 49:50
  neighborhood and there were like kids trick-or-treating because like that part is cute but
• 49:53
  if you're like an adult who lives in an apartment halloween is just like it's stupid stupid holiday
• 49:59
  i know people get so into halloween um i i don't get the fanfare over halloween i don't think
• 50:07
  gross things or monsters are like why am i driving around i know i'm going on a tangent on what's not
• 50:13
  my answer but what like why am i driving around seeing like like in my neighborhood there's like
• 50:19
  a seven foot demon dog skeleton on somebody's yard it's like first of all you paid a lot of
• 50:26
  money for that yeah and where are you storing it i was 11 months out of the year because like the
• 50:33
  people with the the humongous like you know those giant ones from home depot the humongous like
• 50:37
  nine foot skeletons or whatever there's a ton of those where do those go not in october maybe
• 50:45
  they're infringing on my proprietary hinge technology oh they better not be we're gonna
• 50:50
  go house to house that's for killing people yep anyway no my least favorite holiday of the major
• 50:57
  holidays is easter oh what a good one to hate yeah uh i don't care for it because it is a
• 51:08
  just a religious holiday it's boring to me i like ham and macaroni and cheese
• 51:15
  is that a that's like an easter meal at least it was in our family okay that's unique to oh really
• 51:22
  okay a nice honey big tam's delicious but i don't feel like i need jesus rising from the dead
• 51:28
  to appreciate that it's it comes when you when you're catholic it comes at the end of 40 days
• 51:37
  of giving stuff up because lent and then you have one day where you got to go to church and it's the
• 51:43
  worst church of all the year it's the worst church of the year it's like the longest one
• 51:48
  like even like christmas mass is is nice because the church is all decorated plus you get like
• 51:55
  the anticipation of like fun presents or whatever there's a nice secular side to christmas even
• 51:59
  though it is technically a religious holiday and also it's the gateway to summer so it's like i know
• 52:06
  easter's happening it's already probably you know where we live warm and now when you're just
• 52:13
  No, it's just getting it hotter, and I got another five, six months.
• 52:18
  And always on a Sunday.
• 52:20
  Sunday is the worst day for family celebrations, in my opinion.
• 52:25
  You're kind of unlocking a memory for me, because I don't know if you know this, but I was raised Catholic,
• 52:28
  and we used to go to mass for all the holidays.
• 52:33
  And ours used to have all these really cool Easter decorations in the church.
• 52:37
  I never saw them anywhere else.
• 52:39
  They were this big.
• 52:39
  as the listeners that he's holding up his hands as if it's like the size of a tennis ball this
• 52:46
  isn't for them sorry never mind yeah but it was like a bowling ball it kind of reminded me of like
• 52:51
  the size of well i guess not the size of communion wafers so these would be shareable yeah but they
• 52:57
  were like little like big like the big size cheez-its they're for the seven foot tall demon
• 53:03
  dogs to eat yeah i don't know they were like but they were everywhere for easter did you guys have
• 53:07
  those? They almost had like a little coiled look
• 53:09
  to them.
• 53:12
  Yeah.
• 53:13
  Like the design on them. It was for Easter only.
• 53:15
  No. Well,
• 53:17
  were they like unfurled?
• 53:20
  No.
• 53:21
  They had a string.
• 53:23
  Were they flat? Yeah.
• 53:25
  No. We did not have them.
• 53:27
  But your church had them? Yeah.
• 53:29
  I went to preschool
• 53:31
  at Most Holy Trinity in the Valley.
• 53:33
  Hmm.
• 53:35
  Okay.
• 53:37
  But don't try to find me there because I'm not in preschool anymore.
• 53:41
  And thank goodness you're not still lurking around to preschool.
• 53:46
  I didn't say that.
• 53:48
  No.
• 53:48
  Yeah.
• 53:50
  Okay.
• 53:51
  So your least favorite is Easter.
• 53:52
  Yeah.
• 53:53
  Now, what, when would you create?
• 53:56
  Get back to me on that.
• 53:57
  Let's hear what your least.
• 54:01
  I kind of like your answer.
• 54:03
  I really don't like 4th of July.
• 54:07
  oh okay because i hate to be hot yep and it's always hot yep and i hate fireworks i like
• 54:14
  visually i like how they look but they i mean the dog i have now is kind of fine but like once
• 54:20
  there's like a range of time where people feel it's acceptable to do fireworks it's super far
• 54:25
  before the holiday and then super far after and it can be like a random wednesday night
• 54:29
  in july and all of a sudden fireworks will start going off and it makes me angry because i don't
• 54:35
  get the appeal which is like going outside and setting off a firework yeah so yeah hot
• 54:43
  hot hot stem holiday with fireworks
• 54:48
  oh is that dutch that accent yes it's biblical dutch easter dutch
• 54:56
  uh yeah i can see that yeah um i do like that it's not on a fixed day like that's another like
• 55:06
  like what joe was saying easter always being on a sunday is annoying so at least fourth of july
• 55:10
  has the advantage of like it could be on a wednesday and then like everybody gets off work
• 55:15
  i mean you don't really get off work for a sunday holiday i guess they start doing good friday
• 55:21
  off because the markets are closed but that's kind of like a anyway still trying to sell you
• 55:28
  on easter being worse yeah because i think the day before the fourth of july is also a holiday
• 55:33
  for most places and so if fourth of july is on a friday you could have thursday friday saturday
• 55:39
  sunday my big beef with easter is the same beef i have with mother's day which is if i for whatever
• 55:46
  reason when I go out to breakfast or brunch oh yeah I can't yeah it is yeah it is definitely the
• 55:53
  worst those are the two days that are the worst for brunch totally agree yeah what what uh
• 56:00
  what holiday would you create I would create I'm gonna say
• 56:10
  random outbursts day
• 56:16
  you could yell any random thing you want at any stranger and they have to
• 56:21
  yell something random back at you as a proclamation
• 56:25
  okay give me an example yeah you guys try it right now okay we're let's say we're in 7-eleven
• 56:32
  wait so you yell something random yeah like a proclamation uh okay and
• 56:39
  I'm dizzy
• 56:46
  and I yell something random back
• 56:52
  yep
• 56:53
  okay
• 56:55
  so we don't know each other
• 56:57
  we're in a
• 56:58
  convenience store and we run into each other
• 57:01
  okay
• 57:01
  okay
• 57:02
  block wall willy
• 57:06
  don't eat the dinosaurs
• 57:10
  and then we
• 57:12
  go yeah we just leave
• 57:14
  oh okay
• 57:15
  yeah it's cute it's random
• 57:17
  and I believe that it should be in September
• 57:20
  because September feels light
• 57:22
  yeah it is well it's Labor Day
• 57:24
  maybe the 11th
• 57:26
  we're taking it back
• 57:31
  uh okay
• 57:34
  don't let the terrorists win
• 57:36
  uh i would okay i would have a holiday where it's not being poisoned day
• 57:50
  everybody okay we create a special kind of poison and we have the antibodies for it
• 58:00
  and everybody gets the antibodies and everybody gets the poison
• 58:05
  and everybody takes a drink of the poison
• 58:10
  then they get to have like few minutes where they're worried and then they drink the antibodies
• 58:17
  and then it's like everybody dodged death for one day everyone gets that feeling of like i'm alive
• 58:24
  do you mean antidote oh yeah
• 58:28
  what was i saying i'm not repeating it i feel like i'm being set up
• 58:35
  yes antidote whatever yeah yeah okay or maybe we give you a disease then and then then antibodies
• 58:42
  make sense yeah okay but it's a basically a free from death or like that feeling you get
• 58:49
  one day where you everyone the whole world feels like i got a new lease on life
• 58:54
  or what if not everyone gets it so some people just die yeah not a lot but you could be one of
• 59:02
  the unlucky few no well no i mean i want it to be i want it to be a holiday i don't want i don't
• 59:07
  want people to participate so they have to it's government mandated okay okay this is like the
• 59:16
  purge all right well anyway that's mine i want i want people to have the feeling of they dodged
• 59:23
  death and
• 59:25
  they
• 59:25
  are free.
• 59:30
  And
• 59:31
  they can... What would you call it?
• 59:34
  New
• 59:35
  lease on life day.
• 59:38
  N-O-L-
• 59:39
  N-O-L.
• 59:43
  N-O-L.
• 59:45
  N-O-L day.
• 59:47
  I like that. I think that's great.
• 59:48
  That's how it used to feel if...
• 59:50
  Never mind. I don't want to say it.
• 59:53
  okay cute little retraction from me uh all right well uh i think we both answered the big question
• 1:00:03
  well we did it well we came up with really cool ones we really did uh i'm excited for
• 1:00:07
  new lease on life day i'm gonna put it in august by the way okay because august is definitely light
• 1:00:13
  there's no holiday in august can i just say maybe don't because i am too hot in august and i could
• 1:00:20
  see myself if i'm having a bad mental health month being like i'm not taking the medicine oh shoot
• 1:00:25
  okay good i'm ready all right um it's in march oh okay march promise of spring renewal good
• 1:00:34
  good change yeah okay all right cool that's it that answers the big question the big question
• 1:00:42
  only one final thing francis i know you're gonna i feel like you're gonna get mine uh i i don't
• 1:00:49
  know if i will we'll see i have some guesses for what your secret word is my secret word okay well
• 1:00:57
  let's hear it is your secret word proclamation no i was having fun with that one though oh
• 1:01:09
  is your secret word suckle did i actually say the word suckle he said the vampires will let
• 1:01:17
  them suckle up that's a pig word uh no i it's not uh is it coiled yep oh really yes oh
• 1:01:35
  When you're describing those fake Easter decorations.
• 1:01:38
  Yeah.
• 1:01:38
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:01:40
  I know what I'm thankful for this year.
• 1:01:42
  Damn, my lead is going to be...
• 1:01:45
  And I didn't say your decoy word.
• 1:01:47
  Nope.
• 1:01:47
  I wanted to say it more, but I was worried it would be too ham-fisted.
• 1:01:51
  Although you did get Jenna to say your fake word.
• 1:01:54
  I don't think there's any points for that.
• 1:01:55
  Oh, there are points for that.
• 1:01:57
  Yeah.
• 1:01:58
  I get two points for guessing the word, and he gets one point because I said it.
• 1:02:02
  Yeah.
• 1:02:03
  Dang.
• 1:02:04
  slowing down the lead dang it i'm not thankful for that
• 1:02:08
  okay well good job i knew you as soon as i saw the pen i knew i was done but i was
• 1:02:16
  hoping you would think it was my decoy word uh yeah that's the problem with the decoy i was
• 1:02:21
  worried i was gonna say i'm worried about it too right now okay all right well what are your guesses
• 1:02:25
  you i you were writing like a up a storm i doubt this word would show up but i want to guess thunk
• 1:02:31
  oh no i don't even remember oh with the the noise that it would make and this worked out really well
• 1:02:38
  in this but it makes sense for the segment so i don't think this is it but i did write down
• 1:02:41
  stakeholder no okay here i'm worried i'm worried this is a decoy okay gateway no
• 1:02:50
  antibodies that's my decoy word
• 1:02:57
  yeah oh man oh what a great thanksgiving this turned out to be oh you know what i was worried
• 1:03:06
  about honestly huh i was because i know you're like a mastermind i was worried that you were
• 1:03:12
  saying antibodies incorrectly to get me to say antidote so i was worried antidote was your word
• 1:03:18
  Oh, I'm going to try and do that.
• 1:03:20
  Would have been diabolical if I didn't even say it.
• 1:03:23
  If I just got you to say it Yeah Yeah Yeah Not my two weeks in a row i stupid oh i am thankful for guessing and being
• 1:03:41
  i think i'm still behind in points but you're gonna catch up i'm getting better i think i'm
• 1:03:46
  getting so i'm thankful for that i'm thankful for you francis i'm thankful for you too i'm thankful
• 1:03:52
  for you too joe happy birthday oh um that was really sweet but also did you say your actual
• 1:03:58
  secret word oh no i didn't say what my secret word was the actual secret word was carcass
• 1:04:05
  i told people to step away from the carcass of the turkey and buckle up for the next segment
• 1:04:14
  well f-u-c-k my friends
• 1:04:22
  Forget underwear.
• 1:04:26
  Choose kilts.
• 1:04:29
  That's what that stands for.
• 1:04:30
  New bumper sticker just dropped.
• 1:04:33
  Thankful for Joe.
• 1:04:35
  I'm thankful for Francis.
• 1:04:36
  I'm thankful for that turkey that we pardoned.
• 1:04:41
  And I'll kill again.
• 1:04:45
  And most of all, I'm thankful for you, listeners.
• 1:04:49
  Thanks, VFFs.
• 1:04:50
  go to verified friends on all social media find us you'll get to see a picture of today's
• 1:04:58
  invention which i'm quite looking forward to seeing as well have a great thanksgiving and
• 1:05:04
  happy birthday francis happy birthday jenna thank you bye
• 1:05:20
  you