Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #864 Surf's Up & School's Out

Transcript

#864 Surf's Up & School's Out · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now.
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  Speaker 1: The podcast episode that I look for to most every
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  Speaker 1: week is the Friday episode. I'll do Better Tomorrow. Kylie
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  Speaker 1: and I share what's working and what's not working in
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  Speaker 1: our family so that we can be more intentional as parents,
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  Speaker 1: and we hope that in so doing and sharing our
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  Speaker 1: lives that will offer some inspo that can help your
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  Speaker 1: family to function better as well. We are the parents
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  Speaker 1: of six daughters. Our oldest has just given us a
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  Speaker 1: grand baby. We made the announcement on Monday, but we've
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  Speaker 1: been holding out, haven't we, Kylie. There's been some other
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  Speaker 1: stuff going on in our home that we haven't.
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  Speaker 2: Quite shared yet. Big news, Yeah, yeah, big news. I
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  Speaker 2: did allude to this one ten years in the making.
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  Speaker 2: Let's make this really clear.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe more, But.
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  Speaker 2: After some major deliberation, primarily on my part, we have
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  Speaker 2: decided to pull the kids out of school.
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  Speaker 1: And hopefully people's collective jaws have been put back onto
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  Speaker 1: their faces. Maybe this isn't as jaw dropping as we
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  Speaker 1: think it is, but we kind of think this is
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  Speaker 1: a big deal. The parenting expert has pulled his two
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  Speaker 1: youngest kids out of school. We're going to try homeschooling.
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  Speaker 1: We have no idea if it's going to work. It
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  Speaker 1: could be the worst decision we've ever made. But there's
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  Speaker 1: been a lot of conversation over an extended period of
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  Speaker 1: time around this, and finally we've decided we'll never know
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  Speaker 1: if we don't give it a go.
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  Speaker 2: I think that isolation during COVID and the pandemic was
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  Speaker 2: a really beautiful eye opener for us as a family,
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  Speaker 2: specifically and seeing the engagement in learning that took place,
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  Speaker 2: especially with Emily. She was the youngest, so the other
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  Speaker 2: girls were on their computers doing distance education style learning,
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  Speaker 2: but Emily I chose not to give her that option,
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  Speaker 2: So the school just sent home all of the work
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  Speaker 2: and then I would extend her from that and she
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  Speaker 2: just loved it. Yeah, she's a ridiculously intelligent kid. She
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  Speaker 2: has a love of learning, but she also struggles with
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  Speaker 2: emotional regulation and with attention span in the classroom because
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  Speaker 2: there's so much distraction and so as we've kind of
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  Speaker 2: had these discussions on and off now for a number
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  Speaker 2: of years, but specifically as Emily has started the school journey,
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  Speaker 2: we're just recognizing that in some ways it's actually unfair
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  Speaker 2: to expect the school system and a teacher who has
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  Speaker 2: a classroom of individual needs to be able to cater
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  Speaker 2: specifically to our child's needs. And if they're not able
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  Speaker 2: to meet them, then who will.
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  Speaker 1: So I want to tread very very gently here, because
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  Speaker 1: we have enormous respect for people who are working in
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  Speaker 1: the school system, not necessarily an enormous amount of respect
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  Speaker 1: for the school system itself. There are some fatal flaws
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  Speaker 1: in education, and most educators aware of them and wish
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  Speaker 1: that the powers that be would make the decisions that
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  Speaker 1: are necessary to cover up those flaws and to improve things.
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  Speaker 1: And education is improving over time. But when we think
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  Speaker 1: about the stuff that I've written about in the Parenting Revolution,
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  Speaker 1: those three basic psychological needs that all of our kids
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  Speaker 1: have a need for relationship and relatedness and a sense
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  Speaker 1: of belonging and mattering, a sense of competence and capability,
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  Speaker 1: a sense that they're mastering their environments, and a sense
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  Speaker 1: of control or agency choice volition. Some schools do these
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  Speaker 1: things better than the others. Some schools provide an environment
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  Speaker 1: that is more supportive of these needs than others, but
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  Speaker 1: overwhelmingly Unfortunately for our kids, we've found that their relatedness needs,
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  Speaker 1: their sense of belonging, it hasn't been supported brilliantly, partly
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  Speaker 1: because of our kids, partly because of school environments and
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  Speaker 1: what they are, and the same with their sense of
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  Speaker 1: competence and their sense of choice or volition or autonomy.
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  Speaker 1: And so we've decided that we feel like we can
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  Speaker 1: support those needs better at home.
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  Speaker 2: And we're going too.
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  Speaker 1: You look at me funny when I said we can
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  Speaker 1: support those needs better at home. We're going to give
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  Speaker 1: it a crack, That's all I'm saying. And I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to be around Gee whiz. I mean, I work a
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  Speaker 1: lot and I travel a lot, but I'll be here.
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  Speaker 1: So that's our first big bit of news. I think
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  Speaker 1: it stems. I mean, we've made no secret of the
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  Speaker 1: fact that because we've moved a couple of times, first
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  Speaker 1: from Woollongong to Brisbane, and then the kids just could
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  Speaker 1: not settle into schools. We had four schools in five
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  Speaker 1: years there, and I think there were some mistakes made
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  Speaker 1: from an educational point of view at that point. I
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  Speaker 1: think we made a couple of mistakes as we moved
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  Speaker 1: the kids around that much, and then moving again to
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  Speaker 1: the Sunshine Coast from Brisbane after five years and four
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  Speaker 1: schools in the Southeast corner. I just kind of feel
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  Speaker 1: like it's been hard on the kids and hopefully this
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  Speaker 1: will Hopefully we'll keep you posted every Friday, but we'll
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  Speaker 1: let you know whether it's working or not.
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  Speaker 2: I have a feeling that we'll have a plethora of
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  Speaker 2: content overwhelming.
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  Speaker 1: I think there's going to be a new podcast series
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  Speaker 1: in this. The Coulsoners do home schooling. Will it work well? Not?
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  Speaker 1: We have some friends who tried it, what earlier this
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  Speaker 1: year or late last year, They tried it for not
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  Speaker 1: even twelve weeks and just said, what a disaster that was.
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  Speaker 1: Sent the kids back to school. The kids have never
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  Speaker 1: been happier to be at school. The parents have never
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  Speaker 1: been happy to have the kids at school. So we'll
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  Speaker 1: just wait and see. So that's two big things that
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  Speaker 1: have happened in the last couple of weeks in our family.
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  Speaker 1: Number One, we've become grandparents'. Number two, we've decided that
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  Speaker 1: we're going to homeschool the kids. But guess what's more,
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  Speaker 1: there's more.
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  Speaker 2: We've made no qualms about saying that we struggled to
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  Speaker 2: do holidays very well. You actually struggled to do holidays
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  Speaker 2: very well. Let's put it.
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  Speaker 1: That way, just for context, our last holiday went. You've
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  Speaker 1: been listening to all of our podcasts from the very beginning,
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  Speaker 1: and you've highlighted that this is a theme, like we
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  Speaker 1: keep on talking about how much we mess up our holidays,
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  Speaker 1: how they don't feel relaxing, how we can never really
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  Speaker 1: switch off, how nothing ever goes quite right to make
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  Speaker 1: the holiday feel like a holiday. And our last example
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  Speaker 1: was when I to take the family to Cans but
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  Speaker 1: I got so sick that you took the family a
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  Speaker 1: nice stayed home and flew up four days later and
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  Speaker 1: had like three days and then that was the end
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  Speaker 1: of the holiday.
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  Speaker 2: Well, this time it was my turn to stay home.
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  Speaker 1: We've got a brand new grand baby. You've decided to
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  Speaker 1: stay at home with our daughter, our son in law,
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  Speaker 1: and Indiana Sky, and you sent me to Coffs Harbor
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  Speaker 1: to have fun with the three youngest kids while I'm
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  Speaker 1: just a daddy daughter kind of holiday for a week.
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  Speaker 2: So this is a group holiday. We've just kind of
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  Speaker 2: started a tradition of there. So you went along with
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  Speaker 2: a whole heap of other friends. Yes, my kids had
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  Speaker 2: people to play with, and you got to surf.
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  Speaker 1: Do a big surfing holiday. That's pretty much what it is.
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  Speaker 1: There's like eighty people who all show up, all friends.
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  Speaker 1: We all show up and we're supposed to go surfing,
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  Speaker 1: and everyone plays on the beach and just has a
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  Speaker 1: really quiet, relaxing week. And can I tell you, except
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  Speaker 1: the fact that you weren't there, which ruined the holiday
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  Speaker 1: ruin we were doing such a good job of just
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  Speaker 1: hanging out on the beach enjoying a nice, slow paced holiday.
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  Speaker 1: I felt like I was adding holidays right.
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  Speaker 2: Until until I got a phone call from your Saturday
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  Speaker 2: morning to say, I'm just going to go for one
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  Speaker 2: last surf. We're going to get in the car and
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  Speaker 2: we'll drive the six and a half hour's home. And
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  Speaker 2: about probably an hour after that phone call, I got
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  Speaker 2: a phone call from our daughter Annie, except she wasn't
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  Speaker 2: on the phone. It was one of my good friends, Susie,
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  Speaker 2: who said, Kylie, it's Susie. I just needed to call
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  Speaker 2: you. Your husband has been in an accident and he is
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  Speaker 2: currently lying flat on the sand. He was unable to
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  Speaker 2: get himself out of the water after he fell off
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  Speaker 2: the surfboard. And hit a sandbank. Head first, the paramedics
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  Speaker 2: have been called, and we just wanted to keep you updated,
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  Speaker 2: and she hung up the phone.
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  Speaker 1: Well we should it politely. She didn't just hang up
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  Speaker 1: on you, just keeping you updated. It's not like, let
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  Speaker 1: it sound like we have this this just terrible friend
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  Speaker 1: who wanted to put you into some form of special torture.
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  Speaker 1: Just letting you know Justin's hurt himself in the surf. Well,
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  Speaker 1: a very very clear that.
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  Speaker 2: You did not want me knowing.
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  Speaker 1: And so it's not that I didn't want you knowing.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't want you worrying until we knew what we
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  Speaker 1: were dealing with.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that would have been seven hours later.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, about that when we.
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  Speaker 2: Finally found out after scans had been done, that you
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  Speaker 2: had broke your back in two places.
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  Speaker 1: So over the holidays, because we holidays so well, I
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  Speaker 1: went surfing. And for anyone who doesn't understand, for those
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  Speaker 1: who do understand surfing, here's the shorthand version. I was
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  Speaker 1: on a backhand wave, grabbed the rail, went to tuck
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  Speaker 1: into a tube, and I got pitched into a sandbank.
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  Speaker 1: For those who don't know what that means, Essentially, I'm
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  Speaker 1: standing on a wave with my back to the wave
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  Speaker 1: and my front facing the beach. The wave was one
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  Speaker 1: of those barreling lip to trough kind of heavy waves,
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  Speaker 1: and I went forward over the front of the board
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  Speaker 1: while I tried to get into the tube. It's kind
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  Speaker 1: of advanced surfing sort of stuff. I mean, I was
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  Speaker 1: trying to do something very very well. You've got to
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  Speaker 1: be a good surfer to be able to do it.
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  Speaker 1: And what are you saying you're not well in that instance?
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  Speaker 1: I certainly wasn't. And yeah, so landed on my head
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  Speaker 1: on the sandbank, traveling at speed on a wave that
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  Speaker 1: was probably a round head height, maybe a touch bigger
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  Speaker 1: than that. And so my C seven, for those of
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  Speaker 1: you who are spinally inclined, my C seven has a
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  Speaker 1: fracture in it, a hairline fracture that's up in my
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  Speaker 1: neck area, but also in my thoracic spine. My T
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  Speaker 1: six has got an anterior fracture, and we've lost about
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  Speaker 1: twenty percent. We've I've lost about twenty percent of my vertibal.
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  Speaker 2: F I've lost more than twenty percent, lost.
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  Speaker 1: About twenty percent of the vertibrale height in that T six.
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  Speaker 1: There's a fracture there and it's kind of wedged the bone.
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  Speaker 1: And I know that I don't sound like I've broken
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  Speaker 1: my back and my neck in the last couple of weeks.
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  Speaker 2: It hasn't shut you up. Is that what you're trying
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  Speaker 2: to say?
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  Speaker 1: Kind of Yeah, we've had I'm just I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: say what I think it is. We've We've had a
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  Speaker 1: miraculous outcome in that because of the nature of these breaks,
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  Speaker 1: you basically couldn't break your back and your neck any
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  Speaker 1: better in terms of no spinal co damage, no structural concerns.
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  Speaker 1: And we've had seven different medical people now tell us
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  Speaker 1: that within four to six weeks I'll be back to
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  Speaker 1: surfing and bike riding and even well, probably not playing
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  Speaker 1: contact sport, but I get my life back fully in
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  Speaker 1: four to six weeks, the bones will heal, not even
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  Speaker 1: any need for any ongoing physiotherapy or anything like that.
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  Speaker 1: Like just an incredible, incredible outcome.
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  Speaker 2: Well, considering today's podcast is all about how you can
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  Speaker 2: be better tomorrow, I'm really interested to hear what you've
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  Speaker 2: learned from this experience.
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  Speaker 1: So you know what I'm actually learning at the moment
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  Speaker 1: from this experience. There's incredible power in slowing things down,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm always in a rush. I've always got things
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  Speaker 1: to do. I'm always wanting to speed things up. But
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  Speaker 1: over the last couple of weeks, as my back has
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  Speaker 1: given me all kinds of grief and pain, I've decided
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  Speaker 1: that I'm not going to rush out to do push ups,
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  Speaker 1: or go surfing or bike riding, or get my fitness
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  Speaker 1: back on track as fast as I can. I'm just
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  Speaker 1: going to let the process take its course. I kind
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  Speaker 1: of feel like there's maybe a macro lesson in that
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  Speaker 1: for everybody when it comes to the way we're raising
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  Speaker 1: our kids, the way we're watching our children develop, the
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  Speaker 1: way that we're running our families. Sometimes I think that
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  Speaker 1: there's value in being intentional and letting things take their natural,
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  Speaker 1: healthy and appropriate course.
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  Speaker 2: Does that work for you, I've only been telling you
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  Speaker 2: to slow down so.
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  Speaker 1: Our old do better tomorrow. Really, the take home message
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  Speaker 1: I guess is no, today was just show and tell.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know that there's any huge take home messages.
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  Speaker 1: We just wanted to share some stuff with you.
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  Speaker 2: I think there is really think there's some really important
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  Speaker 2: stuff here, let's hear it. I think that in spite
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  Speaker 2: of the challenge that we experience in our lives. If
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  Speaker 2: we just continue to do the same things, we're going
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  Speaker 2: to get the same outcomes. And at the moment, we've
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  Speaker 2: continued to do the same things as we've tried to
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  Speaker 2: move the kids around school to school, trying to find
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  Speaker 2: this perfect fit, and it just hasn't been working. Until finally,
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  Speaker 2: I think for me, I got to a point where
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  Speaker 2: I recognized that what we're doing is not working. Our
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  Speaker 2: kids actually need something different, and it's going to require
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  Speaker 2: more of me than I've ever had to give in
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  Speaker 2: so many ways. And yet for the first time understanding
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  Speaker 2: that I'm actually the only one who knows what they
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  Speaker 2: need right now and what that looks like. And so
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  Speaker 2: I don't actually know what it looks like. I actually
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  Speaker 2: don't know the end from the beginning, and that's been
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  Speaker 2: the scariest part of this decision process for the last
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  Speaker 2: ten years, which is why we've never jumped. But I'm
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  Speaker 2: actually open to not knowing and open to exploring it
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  Speaker 2: with them to see how this might change for the better.
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  Speaker 1: The definition of insanity is you keep on doing this
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  Speaker 1: thing and expecting a different result. So we're doing something
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  Speaker 1: different so that we can get the different result, because
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  Speaker 1: so far we haven't had it. We really hope that
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  Speaker 1: this has been an intriguing, compelling, fun, curiosity building conversation
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  Speaker 1: for you today, and that somehow, somewhere it helps to
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  Speaker 1: make your family happier. Any feedback we welcome at podcasts
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  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot A. You that's podcasts
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  Speaker 1: with an s podcasts at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to the Happy Families podcasts.
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  Speaker 1: We hope that it makes your family happier. The Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more information about
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: making your family happier, please visit us at happyfamilies dot
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: com dot au