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206. Amazing Emotional And Sexual Intimacy Is Built On Being Vulnerable · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Intro: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Intro: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Intro: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Intro: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:41
Nick: In this episode we talk about how amazing sexual and emotional intimacy is built upon vulnerability.
0:48
Nick: This is so true.
0:51
Nick: So being extremely vulnerable in marriage involves sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, fears and desires with your spouse, and doing so just creates a deep, intimate connection, both emotionally and physically.
1:07
Nick: So I mean, do you feel like in our marriage, sweetie, when we're more vulnerable with each other about these things whether it's fears or feelings or deepest thoughts do you feel like that connects us better as a couple?
1:22
Amy: I do.
1:24
Nick: That's it.
1:25
Amy: I do, it's just a quick yes.
1:26
Amy: This is a very deep conversation because it's going to be different for everybody.
1:32
Amy: I get a lot of pushback on the word vulnerable because a lot of men are like well, a wife doesn't want to hear all your vulnerabilities, she doesn't want to hear all these insecurities and fears that you have.
1:45
Amy: Be an alpha man and take care of your family.
1:49
Intro: I get a lot of that.
1:51
Amy: Although I agree with a small portion of that, I also believe well, my spouse still needs to be who he is in order for me to feel like I can be who I am.
2:01
Amy: So I think there's a balance to this.
2:04
Amy: I feel like some men.
2:09
Amy: I feel like they almost get a little bit too much vulnerability from their wife on certain things, but I feel like a wife should be able to be like that.
2:18
Amy: I feel like we should both feel like that.
2:20
Amy: So this is a really hard topic and I can honestly say that being vulnerable was really hard for me in certain aspects, like when we first got married, it took us 15 years for me to say I want to try something new in the bedroom, or I actually want you to touch me here, or I really hate that in the bedroom, or I'm not, I don't know.
2:42
Amy: I felt like, even though we could talk about a lot of deep things pretty easily, there were certain conversations that were harder to be vulnerable with, and I find that most couples, no matter how long they've been married, still feel like that in a lot of ways.
2:59
Nick: And I was the same way.
3:00
Nick: I would say again, like you, for the first 15 years of our marriage.
3:05
Nick: We were very good in some ways, but there were absolutely aspects that I was not vulnerable in and that's honestly.
3:14
Nick: That's why our marriage struggled.
3:15
Nick: A lot of the reasons.
3:17
Amy: Yeah, for sure.
3:18
Amy: Well because let me just step back so, like with my next situation, he didn't want to be vulnerable with the finances because he thought that was being a man and taking care of that Instead of involving me even though I was working some of the time like we should have been more on the same page with that and we were not vulnerable enough in that area and that damaged us big time for a lot of years.
3:41
Nick: There were a lot of conversations we didn't have, there were a lot of things that weren't said, because I didn't want to be vulnerable, because I was afraid of what she would think or how she would feel, and I think vice versa.
3:55
Nick: Now, having said that, the past seven years, we've talked about really everything.
4:01
Amy: Everything.
4:02
Nick: Yeah, and we share our deep thoughts and concerns and just, I think we pretty much expose everything right.
4:12
Amy: I mean obviously, Maybe even too much.
4:15
Nick: Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe, even too much.
4:17
Amy: Sometimes I'm like I don't want to hear about that, but I'll listen because I'm a good, good spouse, right yeah?
4:24
Nick: But the point I'm trying to make is, when we became vulnerable and we started discussing our fears and our feelings and our thoughts and our desires and all these things, that really changed our marriage in a profound way.
4:39
Nick: And we've said this before.
4:40
Nick: We said all the time that, oh, now we can talk about anything.
4:44
Nick: And, yeah, there are certain things that I don't bring up to her because it's not really going to change anything.
4:52
Nick: It's not that she doesn't need to know, it's not really going to influence the relationship and vice versa.
5:00
Nick: There's just some things that they have no really impact on the relationship, right?
5:05
Amy: Yes, for sure.
5:06
Nick: They're just kind of dead space things.
5:08
Nick: So yeah, it's not because I don't want to talk to her about it.
5:11
Nick: It's just like you only have so much time during the day to talk about things.
5:18
Amy: You got to pick the important ones, express things.
5:19
Amy: Yeah, you got to pick what's going to be helpful and I don't want to hear everything all the time Like we all have our own stuff to still deal with, right?
5:26
Amy: I wanted to bring up before we jump into this.
5:28
Amy: I sucked at being vulnerable about sexual intimacy for many years.
5:34
Amy: So while we're going through financial crap, years ago I cut off the fact that I'm not the type of person that sex needed to be for me too.
5:44
Amy: So I got to a point where it kind of turned into a chore for me because I wasn't being vulnerable about what I wanted.
5:53
Amy: I wasn't comfortable saying I really want to enjoy this or I really want to try this, or, and I also kind of cut off some of the emotional feelings I was feeling because I'm like he's not listening to me, I'm just not even, I don't even care anymore, like those kind of attitudes.
6:07
Amy: So while I was pregnant, like I had never said I want to try something new or I need to gosh.
6:14
Amy: I wish I would have had a vibrator during my pregnancy years, like for a lot of those years I felt like sex was more for you because I wasn't enjoying it, but a lot of most of it was my fault because I wasn't being open in the bedroom about it not being amazing for me, and that's my fault.
6:29
Amy: So like I look back and I'm like I should have been more vulnerable in this area, this area, this area, so that this area could have been more pleasurable and amazing.
6:40
Amy: And I think some of the part of being vulnerable that's important to talk about today is that sometimes we need to be like that.
6:48
Amy: That problem is kind of a lot my fault.
6:51
Amy: In our marriage, right, we got to take accountability.
6:54
Amy: So if something's not going well, maybe it's up to you to help fix that and to help talk about that.
7:04
Nick: Well, when one spouse really starts closing up, it causes the other spouse to start closing up.
7:09
Nick: I mean, we saw that in our relationship with a lot of things to where maybe I started not talking about.
7:15
Nick: I stopped talking about certain things and you stopped talking about certain things and you just then it gets worse and worse and worse, right.
7:22
Amy: That gap grows bigger.
7:23
Nick: So then you gotta kind of get to a point and say, all right, this isn't working, what do we do differently?
7:27
Nick: So I love we're gonna start out with the poll that we did.
7:32
Nick: And I love hearing these, because these speak everything, right.
7:37
Nick: I mean, these aren't just Nick and Amy talking and saying, yeah sure, maybe this worked for them, but it won't work for us, or whatever.
7:44
Nick: This lets you know what everyone else is dealing with as well, or how they feel about this or how it's impacting their relationship.
7:52
Amy: So let's start off again by saying I mean, this entire episode is on the word vulnerability.
7:59
Amy: To be vulnerable in your marriage, which, once again I'm gonna repeat, that means being able to be open, honest, share your feels, feelings, your deepest thoughts, your fears, your desires.
8:11
Amy: To be able to be 100% open and honest and communicate about these things with your spouse, to be able to be vulnerable and to feel like you are able to feel vulnerable and still feel safe, secure, trustworthy all those feelings and emotions right.
8:30
Nick: Yeah, and I wanna say one more thing before we jump into the poll is a lot of times you're afraid to be vulnerable because you're afraid of how your spouse is gonna react.
8:40
Nick: Or reject or reject.
8:42
Nick: So I had something that was pretty vulnerable for me that I was nervous about sharing with Amy, but I did share it with her and I was amazing to see her reaction was so understanding and compassionate and I'm like, oh, why would I have not shared this with her?
9:00
Nick: So it actually brought us a lot closer together and she was very understanding and that made me feel even better.
9:10
Nick: So, rather than keeping something built inside and saying, how am I gonna handle this on my own, I don't want her to know about it or I don't wanna express these weaknesses or these fears to her, then all of a sudden you're having to deal with that on your own and that can create a lot of problems in itself.
9:31
Nick: Where, in this situation, I shared with her how I was feeling about something and she was totally just like, oh, I didn't know, you felt that way and she was very understanding.
9:42
Nick: Then all of a sudden, I was like, oh, that was easy.
9:44
Nick: And then it's easy to start sharing more and more things.
9:47
Nick: So I wanted to point that out, that your life will be so much happier and better, and that's exactly why we named the podcast.
9:55
Nick: The way we did is amazing.
9:57
Nick: Sexual and emotional intimacy is built upon vulnerability.
10:01
Nick: When you're more vulnerable with each other, you're gonna connect on a much deeper level, both emotionally and sexually.
10:08
Nick: Our sex life is really good and the way it is because we are very vulnerable with each other.
10:14
Nick: If we weren't vulnerable with each other, we wouldn't have the connection emotionally and sexually that we have.
10:20
Nick: Our sex life is because we become a lot more vulnerable with each other.
10:26
Amy: Because vulnerability is what creates deep emotional intimacy, and almost every I mean every wife, but almost every husband too has agreed that amazing sexual intimacy comes from the strong emotional connection, and you only get that by being open, honest and vulnerable with each other.
10:47
Nick: Correct, Yep love it.
10:49
Amy: So the first thing that we asked our audience was is intimacy better when you are both vulnerable?
10:57
Amy: 93% said yes.
11:01
Amy: I don't know what the other 7% was thinking yeah, it should be 100%, but 93,.
11:07
Amy: Obviously the 7% is going through some stuff and there's some kind of deep issue there but 93% of our audience said it is better when you are both vulnerable.
11:18
Amy: The next question we asked okay, so this one goes hand in hand and this is gonna show you why sexual intimacy is struggling in most a lot of marriages.
11:28
Amy: The next question was rate the vulnerability in your marriage?
11:33
Amy: Okay, so 93% just said that it's super, super important for marriage, right?
11:39
Amy: And then we asked them to rate the vulnerability in your marriage and the answer is about 55%.
11:48
Amy: So, it shows you why there's a disconnect because they know that it's super important, yet they're rating it at 55%.
11:55
Amy: That's pretty low for 93% of people that said it's important.
12:01
Nick: And it just shows how hard it is really to be vulnerable.
12:03
Intro: To be vulnerable.
12:04
Nick: It really does like and it is hard.
12:06
Nick: It totally is hard like.
12:07
Amy: But if your spouse is your best friend which is really what ultimate intimacy is is loving and being intimate and being connected and vulnerable with your best friend.
12:16
Amy: I mean, that's what everyone's trying to get to right.
12:18
Nick: But I think that's one of the reasons it's hard is because it is your best friend, it's someone that you love so much and you don't want to hurt them or share things that are gonna hurt the relationship or change the relationship.
12:33
Nick: And that's the thing is when you're really vulnerable with your feelings or your fears or certain desires, like even sexual desires, like you don't necessarily know how they're gonna react, and so you're like, oh man, do I risk being vulnerable and sharing this in fear that they're gonna react a different way that I don't want?
12:52
Nick: Right?
12:52
Nick: Or am I gonna get rejected?
12:56
Nick: Right, like, if I share my desires, am I gonna get rejected?
13:01
Nick: And what's that rejection gonna feel like?
13:03
Amy: Okay, so let's share a quick story while we're talking about this.
13:06
Amy: So at year 15, I bought a bedroom game.
13:09
Amy: It was an appropriate one, I mean, it was just like suggestions to try together and I gave it to Nick and I actually got rejected.
13:25
Nick: Well, yeah, and the reason why I mean, you already know.
13:27
Nick: So I got the bedroom game.
13:30
Amy: I said I wanna try something new.
13:32
Nick: I wanna try something new and immediately I was like well wait, is what we're not doing good enough, or is what's wrong?
13:38
Nick: What am I doing wrong, or you know, cause we had never talked about it right, we had never talked about it, so immediately I was like, oh, something must be wrong in our relationship because she's wanting something else.
13:51
Amy: So he's like I don't know if I'm really into that and I walked away feeling very rejected.
13:58
Amy: But hold on, this is where this whole entire thing comes together.
14:05
Amy: We hadn't been vulnerable with each other on this topic and we weren't being vulnerable about each other on this topic.
14:14
Amy: So a day goes by and I was like, oh my gosh, he shut me down.
14:17
Amy: He thinks I'm probably he thinks I'm crazy cause I wanna play a game or try something new, or maybe thinks I'm too kinky or I don't know what's going on here.
14:25
Amy: And he's having completely different thoughts and he's kind of holding those thoughts.
14:30
Amy: And well, his thoughts were I'd actually love to try something new, All about trying something new.
14:35
Amy: But the way it kind of presented it was like, well, did I do something wrong or am I not good enough?
14:42
Amy: So what happened in this story is 24 hours later, after we both kind of just dropped it.
14:48
Amy: He's had time to think about it, I've had time to think about it, and we're both like, well, it's time for us both to be very vulnerable with each other.
14:59
Amy: And so we had a sit-down conversation, totally spilled everything right, Like that was probably one of our most vulnerable conversations we've ever had in our relationship at year 15.
15:09
Amy: And I started opening up.
15:11
Amy: Well, I feel like I'm broken.
15:14
Amy: I feel like I don't have a drive anymore.
15:16
Amy: I feel like I don't know.
15:18
Amy: Maybe I need to try something new, because I'm not craving sex as much as you and I just want to be a really good wife.
15:24
Amy: And, oh my gosh, like then I started realizing I am lacking emotional connection with him and that's why I need the sexual connection and I'm trying to fix that.
15:32
Amy: And you're thinking the whole time I'm not like I want to try stuff too, but maybe you share what you were thinking, yeah.
15:40
Nick: Well, again, I would never talked about it and I was thinking oh, she's not enjoying what we're doing and what I'm doing isn't good enough.
15:49
Amy: You know, I mean, obviously those were stupid thoughts, but we all have thoughts like that, that goes through our mind.
15:56
Nick: Yeah.
15:56
Nick: So then after about 24 hours I thought what the hell am I thinking Like?
16:01
Nick: What man is going to reject his wife wanting to play a bedroom game?
16:07
Nick: And I seriously had some sense just knocked into me and thinking, okay, I might be the stupidest man on the planet because no other man is going to reject his wife.
16:18
Amy: So I was thinking that too.
16:20
Amy: I was like what I thought he was going to be, like, this is the best day of my life.
16:24
Nick: So now?
16:25
Nick: So the next night was the best night of my life, so it really was it was.
16:30
Nick: It was awesome.
16:31
Amy: We started talking about things we had never in 15 years discussed before.
16:37
Amy: You like that?
16:38
Amy: Oh my gosh, that feels so good.
16:40
Amy: I love it when you touch me there.
16:42
Amy: Oh, you like that too?
16:44
Amy: Okay, this feels good for both of us.
16:46
Amy: Oh my gosh, that orgasm last long that's ever had in ever Like.
16:50
Amy: We had conversations that were like I want every couple to be able to have this conversation about what's amazing and what's not amazing and what's.
17:00
Nick: I was smiling the biggest smile for like a week.
17:03
Amy: So was I too, because not only did we start talking about sexual things, these sexual conversations led us to well, if we can talk about this.
17:13
Amy: All of a sudden, I'm like, well, this is why I haven't been creating it, because you don't do this and you haven't been helping with this, and I need more of this in the marriage.
17:21
Amy: And these conversations got deeper and deeper and deeper and more amazing.
17:28
Amy: And all of a sudden, it was like the switch turned on in our marriage, like I want you to be able to share that with me.
17:34
Amy: I want to be able to share that with you.
17:36
Amy: I need you to tell me this when you're feeling this way.
17:39
Amy: I need you to tell me this when you're feeling this way changed everything.
17:44
Nick: And so the ultimate intimacy app was born, or?
17:49
Amy: it's true.
17:50
Nick: So, going back and I think there's a lot of guys that also feel this way so from my standpoint of view, I had obviously sexual desires and fantasies that I wanted to do with Amy, but I never said anything because I'm like, oh she's going to think you know where's Nick getting these ideas, or what, what is he looking at?
18:09
Amy: Or exactly what I thought when I handed you that and you shut me down.
18:13
Nick: Yeah, so, um, so I was like you know, that's why I never brought anything up in our marriage.
18:19
Nick: It's like for that reason is I'm like, oh, I don't want to ruin what we have, and I know there's a lot of other husbands out there feeling the same way.
18:27
Nick: But when we started opening up and being able to talk about sex if you can talk about sex, man, you can talk about just about anything and the floodgates opened and we started talking about everything.
18:41
Nick: And to this day, I would say, we have great conversations that I think a lot of couples would be scared to have.
18:50
Nick: But we, we talk about everything and, yeah, maybe we don't always agree, but we're willing to have those conversations.
18:57
Nick: And I think it's so important, um, to be vulnerable, to open up those doors and have those conversations.
19:05
Nick: Because, number one, it builds trust, and trust is the bedrock, the foundation of a vulnerable relationship.
19:15
Nick: And then, when you have that trust, you're going to be able to have those open, honest conversations that you've had never had.
19:24
Nick: You're going to be able to have those on a deeper level and have that honesty.
19:27
Nick: And it's just, I don't know, it's just going to take things to a whole another dimension, a whole another level.
19:38
Amy: I loved what you said earlier about creating a safe and judgment free environment with your spouse, because nobody in their marriage is going to be vulnerable if they don't feel safe being vulnerable.
19:53
Amy: You cannot have a good marriage and feel like if you share something you're going to be judged or condemned or whatever the words are Like.
20:04
Amy: I know that Nick's going to love me for who I am, with my weaknesses, with my strengths, with all the stuff that comes with me, no matter what I share with you.
20:18
Nick: Absolutely.
20:19
Amy: No matter what I share with you.
20:20
Nick: In fact, I would even say that the more you're willing to share with me, the more I love you and the more I feel connected to you.
20:29
Amy: Agreed.
20:30
Nick: Because I'm like man.
20:31
Nick: She shared that with me.
20:34
Nick: That means a lot that she would trust me with that.
20:37
Amy: And that's what it comes down to is how do you create that atmosphere for your spouse to be able to be vulnerable?
20:44
Amy: Well, one of those is, like we always talk about putting your phone down, being willing to listen, having a space where you actually believe that your spouse is listening to you.
20:55
Amy: I think that's a lot of the problems in marriages today.
20:57
Amy: It's like I can go share a bunch with Nick, but if he's staring at his phone or if he seems distracted.
21:03
Intro: What did you?
21:03
Amy: say yeah, if he seems distracted or if he feels like he, if I feel like he doesn't care, like there has been moments and it goes both ways I've done this to him where I start talking about something and I can tell it his mind to somewhere else and I'm just kind of like you know, never mind, and I've literally stopped the conversation, like I can tell you're not into it right now, we'll talk later.
21:21
Amy: And he's even made conversations or like phrases to me about that and I'm like, oh my gosh, thanks for like pointing that out, like yes, I'm in the middle of something.
21:31
Amy: Let me focus on you.
21:33
Amy: Give me just a few minutes, because it's really important to feel like your spouse isn't just listening but gives a crap, like that is part of creating a safe space, is letting your spouse feel like you care.
21:47
Amy: If you don't act like you care to listen to the ways they want to be vulnerable like I, they're not going to share with you.
21:54
Amy: You want good emotional intimacy.
21:56
Amy: You got to care and you got to listen.
21:59
Nick: So let's go through just the steps or the ways that you could be vulnerable, because a lot of you are probably saying, well, okay, I want to be more vulnerable in the relationship, but how do I do that?
22:09
Nick: What are the things that I can do?
22:11
Nick: I think number one and this is this doesn't mean you have to start this way, but because it is kind of a scary thing to be really open and vulnerable about your deepest fears and desires, your sexual desires, rather than just throwing everything at your spouse.
22:27
Nick: Start small, start with the small steps and start doing it little by little.
22:35
Nick: And I think for me, like once, once we started like opening up and we're like, oh, like this isn't, this isn't hard, this is making things better.
22:44
Nick: Then we wanted to.
22:45
Nick: It was almost like the flood, like I said, the floodgates open and we wanted to just share everything.
22:50
Nick: So start with the small steps, start doing things and see, see how it goes, see how comfortable it is to be able to share those things, see how your spouse reacts, and I think you're going to see.
23:04
Nick: I think for pretty much most marriages out there, you're going to see a positive thing happen by being vulnerable with each other, and I understand that everyone has different personalities.
23:19
Nick: This is going to be difficult for some spouses, right?
23:22
Nick: This would be very difficult for some Like you might have a wife that really wants to open up and be vulnerable and you might have a husband that's wanting to not open up and be vulnerable and it's really hard to force that.
23:33
Nick: But having those conversations and expressing those desires.
23:39
Nick: But again, start with the small steps.
23:41
Amy: I also think it starts with respect.
23:43
Amy: Like you were saying, different personalities, I hope.
23:46
Amy: If there's any sort of like when you come to your spouse and the conversations or things turn heated a lot or they turn into conflict when you're trying to be vulnerable about things, I think it's important to go back to episode one one, one that we did on how to treat your spouse.
24:06
Amy: I just that one was all about respect during conversation and during conflict.
24:11
Amy: So I think it's important just to remember that when you are vulnerable, you have to show your spouse the utmost respect and love during those times Like or someone's, like you said, is going to shut down.
24:25
Nick: Yeah, when you have those conversations, you absolutely have to be completely honest.
24:30
Nick: If you're holding anything back, if you're trying to keep something from your spouse, that will kill everything, especially if your spouse finds out.
24:40
Nick: Right.
24:40
Nick: And I'm not saying do it and hopefully they don't find out.
24:43
Nick: I'm saying be completely honest about everything.
24:45
Intro: Always.
24:46
Nick: Share your feelings, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable.
24:49
Nick: Honesty is the key to being having that complete vulnerability.
24:54
Nick: I mean, that's what being vulnerable is is being honest and open about everything, the tough things.
25:02
Amy: You can't be best friends if you're not willing to be honest with each other.
25:04
Amy: That just doesn't work.
25:05
Amy: Yeah right.
25:06
Nick: For sure you know.
25:08
Nick: Share your dreams and your fears.
25:10
Nick: Discuss those things with your spouse, Like.
25:16
Amy: And keep discussing them.
25:17
Amy: Because you do that when you're dating, I feel like, right, you're getting to know each other, you're caring about listening to each other Like you genuinely, when you're dating and falling in love, like you carry, like you're asking questions, you want to get to know them.
25:28
Amy: You want to know their deepest desires.
25:30
Amy: You want to know their fears, their strengths.
25:31
Amy: You ask them that stuff all the time.
25:33
Amy: But then we get married and then we think we already know those things.
25:38
Nick: I think one of the reasons why discussing your fears is so important is think about why you have a fear, Regardless of what your fear is.
25:47
Nick: When you share your fears with your spouse and you see that your spouse is supportive, then all of a sudden those fears are like well God, why are they fears of mine anymore?
25:58
Nick: I've got a spouse that is supportive of me, I've got a spouse that's there for me.
26:02
Nick: I've got a spouse that's going to help me, or help me overcome those fears.
26:07
Nick: And if I do feel this, I don't need to be fearful of that because I've got a spouse that's supportive.
26:13
Nick: So by talking and being vulnerable, you're going to alleviate a lot of the fears that you have.
26:18
Nick: And then on the side of dreams too, Like why would you want to accomplish your dreams on your own?
26:23
Nick: You should be able to want to accomplish things together as a couple and have the support of each other.
26:30
Amy: So I love that so important.
26:33
Nick: I think it's really important to let your spouse, or let each other, know how grateful you are and how much you appreciate them, just always being very appreciative and open and expressing that gratitude when you are sharing those things that are vulnerable.
26:53
Amy: For sure, that's a good point.
26:55
Amy: So, yeah, I don't think I have much to add to that one.
26:59
Nick: Yeah, it's important to accept imperfections Like I think that's why we are scared to be vulnerable is we're scared to show our imperfections right.
27:14
Nick: Like even with sex.
27:15
Nick: That's why sex is such a vulnerable thing is, you're seeing everything right For sure.
27:20
Nick: You're seeing every flaw, every physical flaw, every imperfection, but we don't need to be perfect, and we need to recognize that our spouse doesn't need us to be perfect.
27:31
Nick: We're going to have flaws, but that's what makes us who we are, that's what makes us unique, and so, you know, be willing to share the imperfections and accept the imperfections of your spouse.
27:44
Amy: Well, I think that's what creates such a loving marriage too is just knowing that you're both not perfect and you're just trying to have the best marriage that you possibly can.
27:52
Nick: I mean, I haven't found any imperfections in you yet that's so funny.
27:56
Amy: But so he's joking.
27:58
Amy: Oh, I'm not joking, he's joking, and he's perfect to me.
28:00
Amy: To you and that's the thing I love that you just said to you because I'm far from perfect and Nick's far from perfect that when you can look at each other and be like you're perfect for me and I'm trying to be the best I can be for you, like that's what creates an amazing marriage, is realizing I don't.
28:18
Amy: I can't expect Nick to be perfect.
28:20
Amy: He's a human being and he can't expect me to be perfect Like nobody's nobody's perfect.
28:24
Nick: That's right, that's right.
28:25
Nick: So another thing is practice empathy.
28:28
Nick: You know, try to see your from your spouse's perspective and, you know, validate their emotions, even if you don't fully understand or agree with them.
28:37
Nick: Listen to them and try to understand where they're coming from, why they feel the way they do.
28:43
Amy: I love that you just brought that one up, because there are still many things that we think differently on, many things, like I know.
28:52
Amy: I've already shared this before in a story, but Nick has to always be early to everything and it drives me insane.
28:57
Amy: And there's little things like that that every couple has.
29:00
Amy: Like I don't agree with that one or this bugs me about you.
29:03
Amy: But some part of being vulnerable and patient and understanding with your spouse is realizing that you don't always have to agree and you can still love and support them even when you're different, like that's what makes marriage amazing.
29:17
Nick: True that Be patient with each other.
29:21
Nick: I think building vulnerability requires patience.
29:26
Nick: If you have a spouse that's very impatient and getting upset, that will completely shut down being vulnerable, right.
29:33
Amy: Absolutely.
29:33
Nick: So be patient, be patient with yourself, be patient with your spouse.
29:42
Amy: Pretty self-explanatory.
29:45
Nick: Regular check-ins.
29:46
Nick: What do you think that means?
29:48
Amy: When I think of a regular check-in, I think of the weekly marriage meeting.
29:52
Amy: How's our relationship doing?
29:54
Amy: How are you feeling about our emotional intimacy?
29:58
Amy: Where can we connect deeper?
29:59
Amy: How can we do a better job this week?
30:01
Amy: How's our sexual intimacy?
30:03
Amy: How can I do a better job at initiating this week or prioritizing you more this week?
30:07
Amy: How would you feel more loved this week?
30:10
Amy: Those are the kind of things that every couple should be doing on a regular basis, and hopefully you've downloaded the Ultimate Intimacy app and used the Intimate Conversation starters as well as the normal ones, because we literally created the Intimate Conversations to help you talk about these things Vulnerable things.
30:32
Amy: And to help you be vulnerable in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom.
30:36
Amy: So if you're kind of like I don't know what conversations to have with my spouse, I don't know what this regular check-in should look like Just pick a few questions every week maybe 10, and talk about those.
30:50
Amy: They're going to help you come up with other conversations that need to be having your marriage.
30:54
Amy: And that's what it's all about is just being able to.
30:56
Amy: I didn't know you felt this way.
30:59
Amy: Oh, let's try harder to work on this.
31:01
Amy: That's what it's all about.
31:02
Amy: That's what marriage is all about is always just trying to make it a little bit better, and that takes vulnerability.
31:06
Nick: We should hire you to do a paid promotion for the ultimate intimacy.
31:09
Nick: That was amazing.
31:12
Amy: You're funny.
31:13
Nick: Apologize and forgive.
31:14
Nick: I think this is the number one most important thing hands down on the list when conflicts arise, especially if you've been vulnerable with your spouse and they aren't patient or apologizing.
31:29
Nick: They're holding grudges Like if you're vulnerable and then your spouse can't be patient or apologize and forgive like you're not gonna be vulnerable with them anymore.
31:41
Nick: You have to be patient with each other.
31:44
Nick: You have to apologize when you're wrong or make mistakes.
31:47
Nick: You have to forgive.
31:48
Nick: That is.
31:50
Nick: Those are the key things that are gonna make it possible to be even more vulnerable.
31:56
Nick: You lack in any of those and it's gonna completely shut down the desire to be vulnerable with each other.
32:03
Amy: Well, yeah, you can expect your spouse to be like I did something, I need to talk to you about it.
32:07
Amy: And then you're like how could you do that?
32:09
Amy: And freak out on them, like they're not ever gonna come to you and talk to you about stuff again.
32:12
Amy: If your personality is like I'm just gonna lash out at you, right, yeah, like you were commanded to forgive, so it doesn't mean that you're always forgotten.
32:22
Amy: Like we have stuff like resentments in our past marriage, but like we've had to come to Hold on.
32:27
Nick: Hold on in our past marriage.
32:28
Nick: Were you married before?
32:30
Amy: No, no, no, no, no In our past, in our marriage.
32:33
Nick: Oh, okay, just clarifying.
32:35
Nick: In our past Because you said in the past marriage and I'm like, wait a sec, I am learning something.
32:40
Nick: After 21 years, what's going on?
32:42
Amy: In our past marriage, wait, in our past, in our marriage.
32:47
Nick: In our marriage in the past.
32:48
Amy: In our marriage in the past.
32:50
Amy: Oh, I just freaked him out for a second there.
32:52
Nick: Oh man, I'm sweating balls.
32:53
Amy: I got married pretty young to you so I'm pretty sure you know that you're my only marriage and I forgot I was saying-.
33:00
Amy: In my past marriage you were saying oh, it's just gonna say there are still things that cause resentment in our own marriage.
33:10
Amy: But the point is is like, even though we'll never forget them, we have to learn from those and move on from those and forgive for those If we keep pointing them out-.
33:19
Intro: Agreed.
33:20
Amy: We're never gonna fix the issue, so we're commanded to forgive.
33:23
Amy: That means forgiving our spouse, like, even though you might never forget some of the things like it's, you have to move on and you have to forgive and you gotta quit bringing those up.
33:32
Amy: Like, if you want your spouse to be vulnerable, you have to be able to forgive.
33:38
Nick: So true.
33:38
Nick: Think about it Like if you're in an argument and you bring up something your spouse didn't in the past, why are you bringing that up?
33:44
Nick: You're bringing that up to hurt them.
33:46
Amy: Oh, I am so guilty of that.
33:48
Amy: I'm not gonna say that I'm perfect, because I am so guilty.
33:50
Amy: For years when I was deeply hurt with some of the things that were done in our marriage, I kept bringing those up Like and I can definitely say that first year I was like trying to hurt you, it was just not okay.
34:02
Nick: That's very and every time she did I would close up again.
34:04
Nick: I'd be like man she just can't move on.
34:06
Nick: Why I don't?
34:07
Amy: wanna talk about it.
34:07
Amy: I don't wanna talk about it now because you literally can't move on.
34:10
Amy: That did not help our marriage and it got to a point where I'm like I have got to stop acting like this, I have got to forgive.
34:16
Amy: That is not forgiveness when you keep bringing crap up, right.
34:20
Amy: Yeah, and your stuff is not gonna be vulnerable with you if you cannot forgive.
34:26
Nick: I like the next one too Share intimate moments.
34:28
Nick: Physical intimacy obviously can be a huge form of being vulnerable.
34:32
Nick: You've heard our story.
34:34
Nick: We kinda did things the opposite way.
34:37
Nick: Typically people start with the emotional intimacy to get more physical intimacy.
34:43
Nick: I think for us, when we started talking about sexual intimacy and being vulnerable with that, it opened up the opportunities to be more vulnerable with the emotional intimacy thing.
34:53
Amy: So we're gonna do a podcast on this really soon because I thought I was broken sexually, because I wasn't craving it anymore and so I kept making it a high priority in our marriage.
35:03
Amy: But the entire time I was missing emotional intimacy.
35:07
Amy: And when we start talking about the sexual, we start talking about the emotional, which is kind of backwards.
35:12
Amy: But it really worked for us it did work for us and we're gonna share that story really soon.
35:17
Nick: So what I'm saying is, if you wanna start out, little by little, being vulnerable, maybe start out talking about the sexual things, cause again, if you can talk about the sexual things, those other things should become a lot more easier to open up and talk about.
35:32
Nick: So, just something to try and, like Amy said, check out the conversation starters in the app.
35:37
Nick: Those are great ways to really dive into those tough conversations and start being a lot more vulnerable, so you can check them out on the app.
35:45
Nick: You can also check out the things that we have at shopultimateintimacycom as well, and the CardVex.
35:51
Amy: I was actually gonna share it.
35:52
Amy: That is great.
35:53
Amy: Can I share a couple just to kind of show them like what they are.
35:56
Nick: Absolutely.
35:57
Amy: They're pretty personal and I'll try and pick some really good ones, but I mean, that's the whole point of the intimate conversation is to be very, very vulnerable in your intimate life, right?
36:06
Amy: So one of the questions was how can I do better at setting the anticipation of love making during the day so that there is more excitement at night?
36:18
Amy: That's not a super sexual question, that's more of an emotional connection question, but I think that every couple, almost weekly, should ask each other that question.
36:28
Amy: That's a really good question.
36:30
Amy: Do I openly and effectively communicate with you that I want to be intimate and how can I do better at that?
36:37
Amy: What a great question.
36:39
Amy: How can we improve the foreplay in our marriage?
36:42
Amy: What position would you like to try that we have not tried yet?
36:46
Amy: What sexual things do you dislike and not feel comfortable with, and why do you feel that way?
36:53
Amy: I mean, that's the point of talking about the why's, and I'm gonna stop there a bit.
36:57
Nick: Well, and the great thing too is, like normally, like you'd be scared to death to ask your spouse these questions.
37:03
Amy: We would have at year 15, I wouldn't have, but when?
37:04
Nick: you're reading them off.
37:05
Nick: The app you're like it takes away all that fear because you're reading what the app is asking or prompting you to read, and you're both there.
37:13
Nick: So if Amy asked me that question, I'd be like oh yeah, I can totally answer that.
37:18
Nick: But it would be very difficult for just someone to bring up that question out of the blue and say that.
37:24
Amy: Absolutely.
37:25
Amy: And here's one more what specific ways would you like me to initiate sexual intimacy?
37:30
Amy: Words, texts, actions, love notes, et cetera.
37:33
Amy: I think a lot of husbands and it's like I don't care.
37:36
Nick: Yeah, I don't care, just pick one, absolutely.
37:39
Amy: Those, but a lot of men that have a high drive or women that have a high drive would love to ask their spouse that question.
37:45
Amy: So when you sit down at night and you say you know what, let's talk about intimate conversations for 20 minutes, let's really get on the same page.
37:53
Amy: I mean, like he said, this is a great way to just open up the app and be like this is the question that asked us.
37:59
Amy: We need to answer it.
38:00
Amy: I mean, everything that is in this app we created because it's helped change our marriage, Like literally, we can honestly say that, Honestly say that, Like if we would have had intimate questions or conversation starters at year 15, it could have spared a lot of heartache.
38:19
Nick: I think right, absolutely yeah.
38:21
Amy: So, and if you're not ready to jump into the intimate ones, like we said, the conversation, the, would you rather the conversation starter ones have romance questions, intimacy questions, family questions, finance questions, spiritual questions, miscellaneous questions, like just in all categories.
38:38
Amy: So if you're really stuck on, how do we bring up some of these topics?
38:42
Amy: How do we get vulnerable with each other?
38:44
Amy: That is a great, great starter point.
38:47
Nick: Yeah, loved it, so-.
38:49
Amy: You cannot have strong emotional intimacy if you're not vulnerable and you cannot have amazing sexual intimacy if you don't have strong emotional connection.
38:57
Nick: Speaking of that, we're gonna wrap up this podcast, so Amy and I can go have more vulnerability in the bedroom.
39:04
Amy: Funny.