Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #66 Extra Curricular Activities

Transcript

#66 Extra Curricular Activities · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, where
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie parents of three little boys, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time
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  Speaker 1: poor parents.
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  Speaker 2: But just one answers now.
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  Speaker 3: As parents, we want to make sure that we give
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  Speaker 3: our children the best opportunities possible, but getting the balanced right.
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  Speaker 3: How much is too much? How little is too little?
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  Speaker 3: How much do we control? How much do they control?
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  Speaker 1: So many questions?
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  Speaker 2: I don't have the answer.
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  Speaker 1: Can I just put my hand up because I do
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  Speaker 1: have the answers. We control everything, We're in charge suits
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  Speaker 1: they do what we say.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I think you might be under an illusion, probably true.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coolson joins us in the studio and Justin
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  Speaker 3: when it comes to the routine of children, we understand
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  Speaker 3: that the bulk of the structure sits around school time.
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  Speaker 3: But then there's outside of school extracurricular We've got swimming,
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  Speaker 3: we've got sport, We've got music that they can do.
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  Speaker 3: There's arts and creative activities they can do, gymnastics, clubs
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  Speaker 3: galore that they can all be a part of. But
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  Speaker 3: how much do we control what they do? How much
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  Speaker 3: do we let them choose what they're involved with and
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  Speaker 3: if they start winging, do we push them to keep going?
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  Speaker 2: Go? Yes? No, and lots. Okay, this is that's all
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  Speaker 2: we got time. Sorry, that was just.
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  Speaker 1: So yes, no and lots.
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  Speaker 2: That's where we was. I can't remember what the questions were.
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  Speaker 2: There was too much fun, all right. So so extracurricular
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  Speaker 2: activities are one of those things that confused parents. They're costly,
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  Speaker 2: and cost has got to govern some of our decision making.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, wouldn't it be great if we could all
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  Speaker 2: afford for our children to do whatever they wanted whenever
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  Speaker 2: they wanted. They can do horse riding, and they can
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  Speaker 2: play netball, and they can also go and do the
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  Speaker 2: surf life saving and they can be riding motocross, and
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  Speaker 2: they can be I don't know, doing a floristry course
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  Speaker 2: as well. Yes, let's just get them to do everything. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: completely well rounded. Yeah, not going to happen. So there's
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  Speaker 2: a few things that we probably need to consider. The
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  Speaker 2: first is our budget and our capacity as parents. You know,
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  Speaker 2: we do not have unlimited time to fairy children around
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  Speaker 2: the place or put them in ubers to go places, goes.
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  Speaker 2: We're too busy to take them. And some people Actually,
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  Speaker 2: I've had a number of parents, particularly in some of
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  Speaker 2: the I guess the wealthier suburbs, say that they are
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  Speaker 2: so grateful for extracurricular activities because it gives their children
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  Speaker 2: something to do in the afternoons where they're occupied. They're
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  Speaker 2: doing something positive.
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  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 2: It takes a lot of boxes for those parents who
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  Speaker 2: want to be seen to be giving their child every opportunity.
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  Speaker 2: It teaches kids' responsibility. There's research that shows that extracurricular
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  Speaker 2: stuff helps them to make friends better, and it helps
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  Speaker 2: them to do better at school. It makes them fitter
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  Speaker 2: and stronger, it gets their brain going. There's so many
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  Speaker 2: pluses to it, but there's also drawbacks. Kids are increasingly
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  Speaker 2: under pressure to do well at school and now they've
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  Speaker 2: got to do their piano exams, or they've got to
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  Speaker 2: be able to show up for the cheer squad recital
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  Speaker 2: thingy on the weekend, or they're in as dedford. There's
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  Speaker 2: just so much to do and there's pressure on everybody.
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  Speaker 2: So with all that in mind, there's a couple of
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  Speaker 2: rules to live by. I think that he used for
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  Speaker 2: at least some guiding principles for this Number one. Once
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  Speaker 2: you've worked out how much money you've got to spend
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  Speaker 2: on this stuff, or you've begged the grandparents to chip
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  Speaker 2: in so that their child can be raised in a
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  Speaker 2: cultured way. The next thing to do is sorry, you've
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  Speaker 2: worked out how much capacity you've got to do the
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  Speaker 2: driving around. I think that it's really important that we
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  Speaker 2: don't try to control this. You know, you hear stories
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  Speaker 2: like the tiger parent who sits on the piano stool
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  Speaker 2: next to the child and says, you are going to
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  Speaker 2: sit here and play it until you play it.
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  Speaker 1: Right to add that is the tiger you in my head,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going I'm a taker.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm just doing trank. I think that that's
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  Speaker 2: not helpful. So we want to be guided by our
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  Speaker 2: children's interests, but we need to recognize that our children's
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  Speaker 2: interest ebbs and flows, and they might want to do
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  Speaker 2: something because all their friends are doing, and then two
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  Speaker 2: weeks in to a ten week term, they're like, no,
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to do this, or it's hard and
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  Speaker 2: I'm no good at it and everyone is better than
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  Speaker 2: me and I just look bad. So we've got to
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  Speaker 2: be prepared for that and maybe even talk to the
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  Speaker 2: kids ahead of time and say you know what you're
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  Speaker 2: going to do is going to be hard, and set
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  Speaker 2: up your contingencies, work out what the expectation is upfront.
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  Speaker 1: I don't like when I have to use an example
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  Speaker 1: of what I've decided, because then you've got a chance
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  Speaker 1: to say, no, Luke, you're wrong. But I've got a
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  Speaker 1: guess a process in that dilemma. With our nine year old,
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  Speaker 1: in particular, he started playing rugby because he chose to
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  Speaker 1: play rugby where we went with it. He loves rugby,
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  Speaker 1: but he also has a high interest in AFL and
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  Speaker 1: Rugby league, and so each year he's going, oh, I
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  Speaker 1: think I want to play AFL next season. There's two things. One,
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  Speaker 1: he's got the most incredible team with the most incredible coach,
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  Speaker 1: with the most incredible teammates, And we know the culture
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  Speaker 1: development and the character development and him in that vironment
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  Speaker 1: is unique and strong, so we know that he can't
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  Speaker 1: grasp it. He won't just get that and another team.
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  Speaker 1: As well as the fact that we think physically he's
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  Speaker 1: more equipped to succeed in the game he's currently playing
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  Speaker 1: than in the ones he might be interested in. How
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  Speaker 1: much do either of those things matter as far as
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  Speaker 1: we us over ruling maybe potentially his decision at this age.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think that it matters a great deal. You know,
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  Speaker 2: when kids are younger than about ten, twelve, maybe even fourteen,
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  Speaker 2: we want to give them every opportunity to explore, let
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  Speaker 2: them go out and play. I mean, I've got a
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  Speaker 2: nephew and he is a superstar sportsman. He loves rugby
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  Speaker 2: league and he loves rugby union. He can't actually play both,
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  Speaker 2: although he tries to juggle it from season to season.
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  Speaker 2: But now he's sixteen and it started to get really serious.
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  Speaker 2: And so far each year he's actually played one, then
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  Speaker 2: he's played the other. And now he's got development squads
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  Speaker 2: that are looking at him, and he's going to have
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  Speaker 2: to make a choice eventually, or is he. I mean
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  Speaker 2: there's plenty of top tier sports people who make a
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  Speaker 2: decision and then change their mind three years later as well.
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  Speaker 2: I think we worry about it too much. Let them
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  Speaker 2: follow their interests, let them follow their strengths, let them
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  Speaker 2: follow their passions. Now, a couple of other things to consider,
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  Speaker 2: and you've touched on that, touch touch on. One of
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  Speaker 2: them is the environment. What kind of environment is best
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  Speaker 2: going to serve? And in what environment can your child
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  Speaker 2: best serve. There's a couple of things to consider. Number one,
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  Speaker 2: what's the quality of the relationships, Like with the other teammates,
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  Speaker 2: the coach, the families. Relationships will be a primary motivating force.
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  Speaker 2: And if your kids have got strong relationships, they will
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  Speaker 2: show up week in and week out even if they're losing,
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  Speaker 2: even if they're not very good, because the relationships are strong.
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  Speaker 2: If they don't have strong relationships, even if they're on
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  Speaker 2: a winning team, they're not actually going to love doing it.
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  Speaker 2: So relationships need to be a primary consideration. The second
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  Speaker 2: thing is competence. You know, some kids are very very
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  Speaker 2: interested in doing some things that they're very very bad at. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: and we'll be young, give them the oppunity, let them
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  Speaker 2: figure it out, and they might actually start to develop
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  Speaker 2: a reasonable level of competence. But some kids have just
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  Speaker 2: they're not going to figure that. They just can't do it,
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  Speaker 2: and eventually they'll actually recognize that and they'll be like, well,
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  Speaker 2: I've done this for three years in a row and
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  Speaker 2: I'm still the worst on the team. I'm still no
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  Speaker 2: better than I was three years ago. And we want
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  Speaker 2: to direct them towards their strengths, towards the thing that
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  Speaker 2: they're competent in, because then they can develop that sense
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  Speaker 2: of mastery. Confidence comes from that. The last thing is
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  Speaker 2: we've got to give them a sense of autonomy. When
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  Speaker 2: we force them to do things, it just gets ugly.
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  Speaker 2: As a child, my mum with the very best of intentions,
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  Speaker 2: and I love my mom. I'm not saying nasty things
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  Speaker 2: about her. Really, my mum insisted that I have piano lessons,
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  Speaker 2: and it got so bad that she would literally have
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  Speaker 2: to drag me by the arm from the car to
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  Speaker 2: the music teacher's doorstep so that I would go in
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  Speaker 2: and do the lessons. I refused to practice. There were tears,
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  Speaker 2: there were tantrums, that was fighting. It was ugly.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 2: I was fourteen years old and I just didn't I
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  Speaker 2: just wanted to go surfing. That was it. I wasn't
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  Speaker 2: good enough to be a pro surfer, but that's just
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  Speaker 2: what I wanted to do because my relationships were there
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  Speaker 2: and I was reasonably competent, and it was my choice. Eventually,
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  Speaker 2: it gets to a point where we've just got to say,
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  Speaker 2: you know what, it is up to you. And there
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  Speaker 2: are many parents who are probably shaking their head and saying, look,
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  Speaker 2: I'm the parent, they'll do as I say. Yeah, that's fine,
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  Speaker 2: good luck, But eventually it gets ugly. Yeah, And it's
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  Speaker 2: true that sometimes you can force your children to do something.
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  Speaker 2: And when they're twenty four and they can play the piano,
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  Speaker 2: they can hit a tennis ball over the net consistently
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  Speaker 2: and have a social match, they might look at you
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  Speaker 2: and say, I'm so glad you forced me to Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: but sometimes they don't, and I don't know. I just
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  Speaker 2: I'd rather find something they're interested in and direct them
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  Speaker 2: to that isn't worth it. There is this is.
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  Speaker 1: I think this is one of the hardest things for
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  Speaker 1: me to wrap my head around, is letting go in
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  Speaker 1: this space. I'm a control freak generally, but with my
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  Speaker 1: kids it's hard because I know better than them.
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  Speaker 2: It is, it is.
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  Speaker 1: It's an interesting time. That was in quotation. That was
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  Speaker 1: an inverted Commas. By the way, I know better than that.
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  Speaker 1: I have a lot of thoughts.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to share than with you when we get
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: off the their waves, because we need to finish things
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  Speaker 3: up right now. Doctor Justin Coulson, it's always a joy
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  Speaker 3: to talk to you, and an exclusive Doctor Justin Coulson
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: was a bit of a ready, fourteen year old. Great
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: for the chat, Thanks so much. If you enjoy the podcast,
• 9:14
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• 9:17
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• 9:20
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• 9:25
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• 9:27
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• 9:30
  Speaker 3: Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts, go to Happy Families dot
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: com dot au. Or if you'd like to have doctor
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: Justin Coulson speak at your school or event, go to
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: Justinculson dot com.