Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 89: What Are You Making it Mean About You?

Transcript

89: What Are You Making it Mean About You? · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back to my Monday mini series, where I just share little tiny ideas that can have a big impact on your life.
• 0:28
  And today I wanted to tell you about how I was self-coaching in the shower this morning.
• 0:33
  I just got out of the shower and I was self-coaching in there.
• 0:36
  And it was really interesting to see what comes up.
• 0:38
  And I thought that I would share.
• 0:40
  I was thinking about how often we make other people's reactions means something about us.
• 0:46
  And really asking yourself the question when you find that something has gotten under your skin, asking yourself the question.
• 0:52
  But what am I making it mean about me?
• 0:54
  Because generally speaking, if we're having a big reaction it's because we have taken something very personally.
• 1:00
  Now I had a recent exchange with a friend of mine where sometimes it's a challenge for me.
• 1:04
  I admit it.
• 1:04
  Sometimes it's a challenge for me to find that balance between showing up as a friend and showing up as a coach.
• 1:10
  And so when this friend came to me with a problem, I was like, you know what I have experienced with that?
• 1:15
  Here's some insights that I have.
• 1:16
  Here's how this worked out for me.
• 1:18
  And it was dismissed.
• 1:20
  And I recognized that that was kind of getting under my skin.
• 1:23
  I was feeling kind of agitated in that relationship.
• 1:27
  And hell, isn't that interesting?
• 1:28
  Like what am I making it mean about me?
• 1:31
  And in the shower, I had the realization that I was making it mean.
• 1:34
  That somehow my experience must not be valid.
• 1:38
  If she was unable to receive it, if she was unable to consider responding to her very similar situation in the same way that I responded to it.
• 1:46
  If she wasn't able to receive my personal experience with it and receive my input and advice there.
• 1:51
  I was making that mean that, well, then I guess my experience is invalid.
• 1:54
  It doesn't matter.
• 1:55
  Or at least it doesn't matter to her.
• 1:57
  And I thought that was such an interesting thing to just observe is that yeah, I coach people day in and day out and I still have to remind myself that, you know, what, how other people receive.
• 2:09
  It's about them.
• 2:09
  It's not about you.
• 2:11
  It's not about you.
• 2:12
  So I want you to kind of look at your own life.
• 2:14
  And see where you might be experiencing some agitation and ask yourself, why is it bothering me so much?
• 2:21
  Because that's going to give you the insight into what am I making it mean about me?
• 2:25
  So, for example, with this girlfriend of mine, then I thought, okay, well, if she's not taking my advice, that must mean that what I have to say is irrelevant.
• 2:33
  It's invalid.
• 2:34
  It doesn't mean anything.
• 2:35
  It has no value essentially.
• 2:38
  Or maybe you're thinking, well, he said he didn't want to do that thing that I wanted to do.
• 2:41
  And you're making it mean that because he doesn't want to do the thing that you wanted to do that now you're incompatible and it's now the end.
• 2:48
  Everything is over because he doesn't want to do the same thing that you want to do.
• 2:52
  Or maybe you're thinking, oh, that person over there, they just made an ugly face at me.
• 2:56
  They must not like me.
• 2:57
  They must think that I'm a horrible person.
• 2:59
  We tend to take things very, very personally, but I want you to open yourself up to the idea that maybe it's not about you at all.
• 3:06
  Maybe this girlfriend of mine, maybe she just already knew how she wanted to approach the relationship.
• 3:11
  And she wasn't looking for advice.
• 3:13
  She was looking for a cheerleader as she figures it out on her own.
• 3:16
  And that's a hundred percent.
• 3:17
  Okay.
• 3:18
  I'm that way too.
• 3:19
  Right?
• 3:19
  I just want a cheerleader in my quarter.
• 3:21
  And maybe when he doesn't want to do the same activity as you, what else might be true?
• 3:25
  Yeah, maybe he doesn't like exactly all of the same activities as you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're not compatible or that he doesn't care about you and your experience.
• 3:34
  So just remind yourself.
• 3:35
  Okay.
• 3:36
  What else is true?
• 3:37
  Yeah, it's okay for him to have his interests and it's okay for me to have my interests.
• 3:41
  It's okay.
• 3:42
  For those things to be different.
• 3:43
  And that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care about me or that we're no longer compatible.
• 3:49
  And maybe that person that made that ugly face at you, maybe they weren't making an ugly face at you at all.
• 3:54
  Maybe they smelled something stinky.
• 3:56
  Maybe they were cringing at the traffic or rolling their eyes as they remembered something that happened at work earlier in that day, maybe it actually means nothing about you.
• 4:06
  Because the truth is that your experience is valid.
• 4:09
  Even if the other person isn't in a space where they can receive what it is that you're putting out there.
• 4:14
  And if you're feeling and received in relationship, I highly encourage you to come and work with a coach, come and work with me.
• 4:19
  I would love to work with you.
• 4:21
  It can make such a difference to just feel like your experience is valid and that you are received and that, yeah.
• 4:26
  It's okay for me to have this experience.
• 4:28
  And it's okay for you to have that experience.
• 4:30
  It's okay for me to have my personal experience and see how things worked out for me.
• 4:34
  And it's okay for my friend to figure things out on her own and maybe things will turn out differently for her.
• 4:40
  But her level of receptivity is about her.
• 4:42
  It's not about me and my worth.
• 4:45
  So first notice the places and spaces where you find yourself being really emotionally reactive and acknowledge what is coming up for.
• 4:53
  You ask yourself, why is this such a big deal?
• 4:55
  Why is it impacting me so much to open up your awareness around how you might be making this mean something about you?
• 5:03
  And remember that sometimes it doesn't mean anything about you.
• 5:07
  Your brain is going to want to make everything about you.
• 5:09
  That's just how brains work.
• 5:11
  We're very egocentric in that way.
• 5:14
  But remember that how other people show up is about them and how you show up is about you.
• 5:20
  And as long as you're standing in your own integrity, just assume that everything is just fine.
• 5:25
  All right.
• 5:25
  I hope you have a great week and I will talk down Thursday by now.