Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / October 9, 2018 | Expresso - Ashlee McIntosh

Transcript

October 9, 2018 | Expresso - Ashlee McIntosh · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hi.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for all being here tonight.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I started reading a book this weekend.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was given to a group of my coworkers earlier in the year for the loss of a coworker.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's called The Scars That Have Shaped Me, How God Meets You in Your Healing.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted to read something from there real quick before we get started.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: God uses us to comfort one another with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It is both a privilege and a responsibility.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: And as we tell others of God's faithfulness in the midst of trial, it reminds us afresh that God will never forsake us.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Though we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will never walk alone.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so starting out my childhood, it was pretty normal.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: I had a pretty normal childhood.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I got baptized when I was a baby, went to Sunday school in a small town of Wakarusa.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody knows that.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: My sister and I ended up getting busy with sports.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad coached us, my mom cheered for us, she was involved in fundraising.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: So, as you can all guess, church got put on the back burner.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really remember God being in my life and present in my life until age six.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: My grandfather had just passed away.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And um I'm not really sure if it was before or after the funeral, but I remember that day so vividly.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I it was a nice blue sky, it was warm out, um, there were some nice, pretty white, fluffy clouds, and um we lived on a cul-de-sac.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember walking out, uh, everybody was talking about grandpa was in heaven, and he was okay, and everything was okay because grandpa was in heaven.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And and at age six, I didn't know what that meant.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was very confusing to me.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I I walked out into the middle of the street in our cul-de-sac, and I just looked up at the sky, and I just just said, God, can you please tell my grandpa hello for us?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that um we miss him.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt so comforted during that time.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I felt like he he really knew that um he he felt me saying that, and and I was gonna see him again one day.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it was it was just really encouraging to to feel that.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um moving on from there, I don't really have any recollection of any conversations um with God uh besides our what would Jesus do bracelets in the 90s.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody remember those?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, that's all I got.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um middle school and high school came and went, and um I I always felt um behind.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I I always felt like I didn't fit in.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I felt very out of place, but but with a group of people that I thought were my friends, and you know, I just kind of faked it till I made it.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then later on in life I realized um the anxiety that I had um with with people, with with peers, with with school, with testing.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um it was it I just didn't feel at place with myself.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't sure.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um but I did know one thing.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was pretty good at sports.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I uh was pretty good at volleyball, I was pretty good at softball.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I ended up quitting softball and which uh they don't know this, but I would I didn't know at the time, but I would have anxiety attacks when I was up to bat.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um I there was too much pressure on me.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I I I couldn't do it anymore, so I quit.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I quit.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I told them I didn't like it, and that was it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was from five to sixteen, that was what I did.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: My my dad coached me, and there it went out the door, and nobody really understood why.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um so after high school, I received a scholarship to go play volleyball.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: And off I went.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: My anxiety and my lost feeling it followed with me.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: But it was good that I had a team with me.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: I I felt like I had something in common with people.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was able to talk to people.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was uh we had a lot of activities as a team, so I still stayed involved in things.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um I had a teammate who was who knew the Lord, um, and and she was deep in her faith.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And there's this thing called Fellowship of Christian Athletes, FCA, and she had it had invited all of us to come.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, I went one night and knew a lot of people as athletes, and you know, we played games, we did, you know, we ate snack and we said a prayer at the end, and that was it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um she started talking to me about having an intimate relationship with God, and I literally told her that does not make sense to me at all.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand how you could have an intimate relationship with someone who is not here.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't make sense to me.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there were two reasons for that.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number one, I did not know the Bible and I did not know God.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And number two is um the relationships that I had um with friends were not great, and the relationships I had with men um ended up being an unhealthy physical intimacy.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I had a boyfriend in college, and he is not one that my mother probably wished I would have brought home to her.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: He was um very deceitful, very much a smooth talker, and I was so naive and couldn't stand firm on my own two feet, and I fell in love.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And um it was just a very unsteady thing.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: The relationship um became abusive, and um it just it started to get worse with the years that went by.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um close to the end of volleyball season, I ended up with a uh positive pregnancy test.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't I I didn't know what to do.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um staring at the pregnancy test, positive, I had absolutely no idea what to do.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: All I could think about was I need to tell him he's gonna have an answer, and it's all gonna be fine.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I took the pregnancy test to him, and his answer was, I don't want a child.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I never had a dad, I don't want a baby, I don't know how to be a dad, I don't want it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So there was my answer.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I couldn't even comprehend or process what was happening to even make my make a decision myself.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Everything from there on out is a little blurry to me.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I I remember calling my sister, I remember her telling me, listen, if you don't tell mom and dad, I'm going to.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I remember telling my parents, um the next thing I know, I'm in my parents' living room back in Topeka, and I felt very scared.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: I felt very alone.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I also felt like I had to prove a point that I still had this under control, that I'm 20 years old and I know what I'm doing.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I definitely didn't.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they they sat me down and they told me that there's other options.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to do this, you don't have to go through this.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there I was.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the girl who had always dreamt of having a child, always being a mom, getting ready to have an abortion.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um Plan of Parenthood came and my mom went with me to Kansas City.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I was terrified.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was terrified.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I couldn't let her see that because again, I was 20 years old, I knew what I was doing.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I was in control.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So when we got to the room, back in the room of Planned Parenthood, they ended up having to do an ultrasound.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: And there was my baby.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Six weeks and four days.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: They asked me if I wanted to keep the picture, and I did.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: They sent me on with a bag of pills and like a little brown sandwich, sway sandwich bag, and it stapled up and off I went.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: I made my mom go home and I went back to school.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: And the horror of it all I can't even explain, but there is a quote that I do want to say, and it says, looking back, you cannot remember the horror of it all.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Grace softens the edges of past pains.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I decided, oh, I got I also um ended up getting kicked off the volleyball team.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I lost my scholarship and I decided I was gonna go back to school.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to stay at school, I wanted to stay close to the boyfriend and the friends I had left.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um on my way to class one day in the middle of the courtyard, walking, classes had just gotten out, and class was getting ready to start, so there was tons of people in the courtyard.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, some of his friends were walking together and teammates, and across the campus screamed at me, baby killer.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: And there it was.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I proceeded to class with my head down, and some of them were in class, and as soon as that professor walked in, I got out of there and I didn't go back.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: I attempted to keep my schoolwork up through internet and online, and it obviously did not work out.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I also ended up receiving text messages and voicemails from my former teammates and people who I thought were friends calling me the same thing over and over and over again.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I started partying.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I started drinking and smoking and found friends who also wanted to drown out their pain and partied, liked partying as well.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And as you can imagine, my um anxiety and depression took over, and I started threatening suicide.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would lay in bed at night going over and over and over how I could do it, and how I could make those people hurt the way that they made me hurt.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I did that and and during the day I I pretended like everything was fine.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: During the day I I put on a happy face and I made it through.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but all of that anxiety and depression became too much, and I called my parents and uh they came and got me from school, and I moved back at home with them.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um while at home, I continued to uh go down the same path.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I got a job as a waitress, and it made the partying worse, um, oddly enough, because the people who were working there were all drinking and partying as well.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I kept going forward, I kept moving forward, and I got a job at Stormont Bale, and I moved into a house with some girlfriends.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I had um envisioned being a nurse.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that that would be something that I would be very good at.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I attempted to go back to school for nursing, and I walked in that classroom and I couldn't stay.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was so anxious and so nervous that I would attempt to go to class and all I could think about was what had happened previously, and I just ended up quitting school.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so I ended up working three days a week as a tech and I loved it.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then spent the other four partying and and actually driving four hours to go see the boyfriend.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the relationship ended up getting worse and and more aggressive, and it got to a point where I just I didn't care anymore.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: I I I couldn't do it anymore, and that ended.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: And um, but I was still able to hold down a job.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: But my anxiety, my depression, the drinking, everything all combined in one, it just got worse.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I uh one night I was sleeping, and I remember sitting straight up in my bed, and it was dark in my room, and besides the lights coming in from the outdoors, and all I could see was the walls closing in on me.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I I couldn't breathe.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I felt like I was suffocating.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was gra I was gasping for air, I was reaching for my phone, I made it to my roommate's room.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: She called my mom.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: We went to the ER, and there was my first panic attack.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um they sent me on with some anxiety medication and and told me I needed to go talk to a therapist and sent me on my way.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what I did.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um a little over a year after that, something something started to change in me.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um the partying and drinking, I just it wasn't it wasn't what I wanted it to be anymore.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't filling that void anymore.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I just it was it wasn't, it wasn't, I was just wondering where my life was going, and I had no idea.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And late October 2010, some friends of mine were going out, and I had told myself, I am I'm not going out and staying out.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not I'm not doing that.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I I it's not what I want to do.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so on the drive over there, I started talking in my car.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't talking to anybody, I don't remember talking to saying a specific name or or anything.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I just remember saying I was done feeling this way.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was a mess.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was tired of being a mess.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was I I wanted to know where my life was going.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I needed a purpose, I needed something to drive me.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I was tired of being treated illy and treating myself illly.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: And and it was it was just a crazy conversation that I had with myself.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Funny thing is, is I met my husband that night.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Steven and I began a date, and uh we were infatuated with each other for about two years.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was it, I mean, we were madly in love.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: It was kind of disgusting.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um but on the and that was on the outside.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: On the inside, you know, at home with the two of us, it it was tough.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: We we he was going through a divorce, and um I was still dealing with all my anxiety and depression, and it it just it was very tough for us.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll spare you the details, but I'll move on.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I ended up quitting my job at the hospital, and I remember Stephen looking at me like, what are you going to do?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you can't just stay home, like you have to do something.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I I had no idea, I had no clue what I wanted to do.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my mom ended up suggesting, you know, Ashley, you love kids.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you um call this lady up?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, she works, she's a preschool director.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so I went in, I had an interview, and then I I got the job, and there I was.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: I were was working at Principese Preschool, and I did not know God, let alone did I know how to talk to children about God.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: And there I was in the bottom of a church basement.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was a preschool teacher.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was still working through a lot of depression, a lot of anxiety.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Stephen and I got married, and I became a stepmom to two beautiful bonus children.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then shortly after I got pregnant with um his and I's first baby.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Stephen and I started talking about church, and I have no idea what provoked the conversation, um, but we we were we decided that we wanted our children to know God, and which is ironic because Stephen and I didn't really know God, um, but that seemed to be important to us at the time.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I had a friend, um a co-worker, who um was inviting us to TBC.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so we went.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: And Stephen, I felt like was hooked right away.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: I felt like he he loved it.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I I was very uneasy and and I struggled for a while.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um I but I did start to enjoy the environment and the people.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm clearly a social butterfly.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um I remember feeling like, you know what, God, if you knew what I've done, you would not want any part of me.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I remember sitting in the pews and I remember saying that to myself, this is not, you don't want me.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: And um so after having Alexander, I was like any normal mom.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was tired, I was hungry, I was smelly, I was a disaster, had no idea what I was doing.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and I I silently turned terrified.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: I had this beautiful baby, and all I could think about was God is going to punish me for the things that I have done.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have this beautiful baby, and he is going to take him away from me.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so scared.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I dealt with that for a while by myself, and then I ended up um letting a few people know about it.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I just I I I could not, I I couldn't even let my son be in the hands of somebody I I kind of knew.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't even allow him to be out of my sight without me worrying that something I wasn't gonna keep him safe.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um so but you know, the more I thought about that, the more I wrote about it, the more times that I I've said that over the last couple days, I think that that God was giving me a chance, and He was He was giving me the chance that I always wanted to be a mom.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: That that's what I had always wanted to do.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think that He was telling me that He forgave me.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think that He was saying that it's okay to love and it's okay to be loved.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so that that's kind of where I resonated with that.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so we continued at church, and I got tired of not knowing what Pastor Jim was talking about.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone else?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, seriously.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes right over my head.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I joined a Bible study at my preschool, and I felt really safe there.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: I knew the people, um, I was safe to ask questions, I learned a lot, and it was great.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: I had a great time.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I got my first Bible from a friend.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: So that was really cool.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I had a great time there, so I joined one here at Speaker Bible Church.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: During one of those small group times, I sat at that round table and opened up to a bunch of women that I did not know.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I told them about my abortion and I told them about my fears of losing my son, and I wept and I wept and I wept and I wept after I left.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: I I cried and I cried and I cried.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: And they they I just unloaded everything on them and they just accepted it.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: They just loved me for whatever reason.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, I mean, just because God had given them to me that day, I they I needed them to just love me.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: And they did.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: God did such tremendous things to my heart that day.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: The relief and encouragement I got, and just it just felt so good to let it go and to just say it out loud and to not hold it in anymore.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was that day that it was that day, that day I knew God had forgiven me.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it was time that I needed to start forgiving myself.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I did a lot of crying in church after that, and and I the more I thought about that after I talked to Connie about that, I think that it was more of a relief and healing cry.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because the word started speaking to me.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: The sermon, the songs and the sermons, they started speaking to me like they hadn't before.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: And and I started to understand his love and his grace.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and my understanding of his son Jesus and of the cross.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I just had a new appreciation for my life.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and just so thankful that he gave this to me when I was not deserving at all.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's just, it's crazy.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: Stephen and I have now been attending TBC for four years.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we love it, we love everything about it.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: Our kids love it.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's transformed my life and my marriage.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it are my marriage, you know, as any marriage is, it's rocky to start off with, you know, but we've we've finally found that three-stranded relationship with God, and we are we are working very hard to develop that.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm just so thankful that God graciously chose me, that He He sent His only Son to die for us.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: I I just it's still hard for me to grasp.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um and this just didn't didn't start just because I said I believed in him.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: After years and years of being lost, and uh looking back now, I realized that all those moments were just stepping stones to him.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.