Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / The Science of Overthinking and How To Overcome It (E)

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The Science of Overthinking and How To Overcome It (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:14
Speaker 1: This episode is an episode that I'm bringing back.
0:18
Speaker 2: It is one of my most successful episodes.
0:20
Speaker 1: If you were new to the podcast or if you
0:22
Speaker 1: have already heard this episode, I encourage you to listen
0:25
Speaker 1: to it again. It is the science of overthinking and
0:28
Speaker 1: how to overcome it. I talk about why we spiral,
0:32
Speaker 1: why we have ruminating thoughts, and I give you actionable,
0:36
Speaker 1: practical tools that you can put into place to begin
0:40
Speaker 1: to overcome it.
0:41
Speaker 2: So definitely give it a listen.
0:43
Speaker 1: I've had some of the best feedback about this episode,
0:46
Speaker 1: so I am excited to share it with you guys again.
0:50
Speaker 1: Check it out, rate, review, share it if you think
0:54
Speaker 1: it's helpful to someone else as well.
0:56
Speaker 2: Love you guys so much.
0:57
Speaker 3: And I thought I would go into a hate of mine.
1:00
Speaker 1: And the reason I thought about this pet hate is
1:02
Speaker 1: because I'm currently in this state right now, and because
1:06
Speaker 1: I've had so much going on and this stuff to launch,
1:08
Speaker 1: and I'm not tech savvy, Like I had a lot
1:11
Speaker 1: of support building this thing, but I'm generally not tech savvy,
1:15
Speaker 1: so it was actually quite difficult for me to put
1:16
Speaker 1: this fucking thing together. The memberships and whatever so I've
1:19
Speaker 1: been overwhelmed, to say the least. And I've had a
1:24
Speaker 1: couple of instances recently and also over the last you know,
1:28
Speaker 1: since I've launched my podcast, where people have seen me
1:31
Speaker 1: be a bit flustered, overwhelmed, a bit stressed, and people
1:35
Speaker 1: have said to me, Oh, I'm surprised you're stressed. That's
1:38
Speaker 1: interesting seeing you being in the whelmed. Maybe you should
1:41
Speaker 1: listen to your podcast. Oh I hate that so much
1:44
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I do fucking listen to my podcast.
1:46
Speaker 1: I listened to my podcast, and I'm not a hypocrits.
1:49
Speaker 1: Never have I ever said on my podcast that I
1:51
Speaker 1: don't get stressed, that I don't get anxious, and that
1:53
Speaker 1: don't get overwhelmed. I've never ever ever made those statements.
1:57
Speaker 1: So what my po past covers, obviously, is when you
2:02
Speaker 1: feel this.
2:03
Speaker 3: Way, tools to help you deal with feeling that way.
2:06
Speaker 1: And it pisses me off that people think that just
2:08
Speaker 1: because I run a mindset podcast, that I don't experience emotions.
2:11
Speaker 3: I fucking experienced emotions. Look at me right now.
2:13
Speaker 1: I'm losing the plot with waving my sleeves around the
2:17
Speaker 1: studio because I don't want people seeing my nails. So, yes, guys,
2:21
Speaker 1: I do get overwhelmed. I do get stressed. But what
2:24
Speaker 1: I like is that I've I have tools and things
2:27
Speaker 1: in like put things into practice that I don't let
2:30
Speaker 1: my overwhelm and my stress bleed into and ruin every
2:34
Speaker 1: other aspect of my day or my life, whereas in
2:36
Speaker 1: the past I definitely would do that kind of shit.
2:40
Speaker 1: So leaps and bounds, guys, leaps and bounds. Anyway, let's
2:44
Speaker 1: get straight into I don't have a brain fact. Sorry,
2:47
Speaker 1: I'm just yeah, there's a lot a lot going on.
2:49
Speaker 1: No brain fact today, but there's a kind of brain
2:51
Speaker 1: facts scattered throughout this episode, so I think you will
2:53
Speaker 1: like it. Just before we get into the topic of today,
3:14
Speaker 1: I did want to speak about my audiobook which is
3:17
Speaker 1: coming out very soon. It is called How to Chase
3:20
Speaker 1: Change Thirty Days to Master Your Mindset. This audiobook is
3:25
Speaker 1: I'm so excited for you guys to do it.
3:26
Speaker 2: It's I think it's unreal. It goes for thirty days.
3:30
Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
3:32
Speaker 1: and after every single session or module, you get either
3:37
Speaker 1: a piece of homework, an exercise to do, or further
3:40
Speaker 1: resources for you to further your knowledge in that topic.
3:43
Speaker 1: But there is something, a task or a resource every
3:46
Speaker 1: single day for those thirty days.
3:48
Speaker 2: You can be doing it.
3:49
Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
3:51
Speaker 1: it is designed for By the end of that thirty
3:55
Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
3:59
Speaker 1: much better understan of who you are and what you want.
4:02
Speaker 1: If you want to pre order the book, just check
4:04
Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
4:07
Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
4:09
Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in. I'm so
4:13
Speaker 1: excited and I can't wait to hear from you guys
4:16
Speaker 1: and hear what you think about the book.
4:22
Speaker 3: So let's get into the episode topic of today.
4:26
Speaker 1: So we're talking about overthinking, the science of overthinking and
4:30
Speaker 1: how to overcome it. So firstly, let's talk about what
4:34
Speaker 1: it is and what it feels like. So it's this
4:39
Speaker 1: seemingly unavoidable like when you're in the state of overthinking,
4:43
Speaker 1: it feels like it's unavoidable. I will show you how
4:46
Speaker 1: you can maybe not avoid it, but how you can
4:48
Speaker 1: overcome it. But it's a seemingly unavoidable pattern of thinking
4:53
Speaker 1: where you're going round and round and round in circles,
4:56
Speaker 1: and it's really difficult to pull yourself out of it.
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Speaker 1: It's difficult to not think that thought and to change
5:01
Speaker 1: your thoughts. It's very unproductive because you kind of thinking
5:06
Speaker 1: the same thing around and around, and you start.
5:08
Speaker 3: Catastrophizing these thoughts.
5:10
Speaker 1: So what started off is not a big deal gets
5:13
Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger. You start making assumptions around
5:17
Speaker 1: what you're overthinking. We're really good at making assumptions when
5:20
Speaker 1: we don't have the information in front of us, instead
5:22
Speaker 1: of just logically intercepting a being like, right, I don't
5:25
Speaker 1: have the answer yet, I'm not going to try and
5:26
Speaker 1: make up the answer. But we do that all the
5:29
Speaker 1: time because we always like to fill in the gaps.
5:31
Speaker 1: The brain loves to fill in the gaps, so that's
5:33
Speaker 1: what we do. And I think the difference between overthinking
5:38
Speaker 1: and people that don't overthink, well, we need to understand
5:41
Speaker 1: that everyone analyzes things and we think back, whether it's
5:46
Speaker 1: consciously or subconsciously.
5:48
Speaker 3: We break things down, we think about how it went like.
5:51
Speaker 3: That's normal.
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Speaker 1: So don't think that there are people that just cruise
5:53
Speaker 1: through life without ever thinking about a situation, thinking, oh,
5:57
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed that I said that, or that could have
5:58
Speaker 1: gone differently, or like, oh my god, what are they thinking?
6:01
Speaker 1: Are they ever going to text me back? They're never
6:02
Speaker 1: going to take like people think that. But when you're
6:04
Speaker 1: an overthinker, it's that chronically and you're adding like you're spiral,
6:09
Speaker 1: and you're adding catastrophizing thoughts.
6:10
Speaker 3: You're making things up where you don't have the answer
6:12
Speaker 3: all of that. So that's what it is.
6:15
Speaker 1: And sometimes it can be so bad that then you're
6:18
Speaker 1: not sleeping, you're not focused.
6:19
Speaker 3: So I'll give you that.
6:20
Speaker 1: So the symptoms that go along with overthinking are lower
6:24
Speaker 1: self esteem because you're always doubting yourself. You're questioning yourself,
6:28
Speaker 1: you're questioning your abilities, you're questioning what people are thinking
6:30
Speaker 1: of you.
6:31
Speaker 3: Did I say that right? Did I do that properly?
6:33
Speaker 1: Was I?
6:33
Speaker 2: You know?
6:34
Speaker 1: So you question yourself, So hence the lower self esteem, fatigue,
6:39
Speaker 1: You're not sleeping properly, you're struggling to focus, you're struggling
6:42
Speaker 1: to stay on task. You struggle to be proactive with
6:45
Speaker 1: things and creative. For many reasons, you got physical tensions,
6:50
Speaker 1: so tight neck maybe like tight temples around your head, forehead,
6:55
Speaker 1: back and you're irritable, you're like annoyed easily, because well,
7:00
Speaker 1: it makes sense because when you've got poor sleep, when
7:02
Speaker 1: you struggle to stay on task, when you know you're
7:05
Speaker 1: forgetting things, when you're fatigued, things are going to fucking
7:08
Speaker 1: piss you off a lot more than when those things
7:09
Speaker 1: aren't happening.
7:11
Speaker 3: So why does it happen? What's causing it? Why does
7:15
Speaker 3: it happen?
7:16
Speaker 1: There's a whole bunch of things that could cause it,
7:18
Speaker 1: but it's kind of a cycle that feeds itself.
7:21
Speaker 3: Is if you're already.
7:22
Speaker 1: Someone who has anxiety and high levels of stress in general,
7:27
Speaker 1: then that's going to feed into overthinking, and then overthinking
7:30
Speaker 1: is going to feed into having anxiety symptoms and high
7:33
Speaker 1: stress symptoms, and it kind of goes round and round
7:35
Speaker 1: in this loop that's forever feeding itself. So people who
7:41
Speaker 1: already have lower self esteem growing up are more susceptible
7:44
Speaker 1: to overthinking because you're always trying to fit in, you're
7:48
Speaker 1: always trying to be accepted, and then you're going to
7:50
Speaker 1: overanalyze absolutely everything hoping that people will accept what you're
7:54
Speaker 1: doing or accept you. Feelings of inadequacy in general are
7:58
Speaker 1: going to bring on over things and some studies have
8:02
Speaker 1: also shown that that anxious kinds of personality, so not
8:06
Speaker 1: necessarily overthinking, but anxious personality types can be passed down
8:11
Speaker 1: genetically through epigenetics. Okay, I've got a whole brain factor
8:15
Speaker 1: on epigenetics. I should like resurface that one and reshare it,
8:18
Speaker 1: but so it Maybe you know, certain character traits and
8:21
Speaker 1: personality traits can get passed down genetically, and having an
8:25
Speaker 1: anxious personality type is.
8:26
Speaker 2: One of them.
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Speaker 1: Now I'm going to talk about before I talk about
8:30
Speaker 1: how to tackle it, I want to talk about what
8:33
Speaker 1: is happening in the brain with neurotransmitters and all of that,
8:37
Speaker 1: so we can kind of understand why overthinking happens. Because
8:41
Speaker 1: it's all well and good to be like you ever
8:43
Speaker 1: think because you're fucking stressed. No shit, Sherlock, I know
8:47
Speaker 1: I'm stressed, But why is it happening in the brain.
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Speaker 3: So I'm first going to cover.
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Speaker 1: Cortisol, because cortisol is like this, it's like the stressholmone,
8:58
Speaker 1: and everyone thinks cortisol's really bad, but what's not great
9:01
Speaker 1: is chronic levels of cortisol. Cortisol is absolutely necessary for
9:06
Speaker 1: many things in our day, and so I don't want
9:08
Speaker 1: us to instantly think kind of any neurotransmitter in obscenely
9:12
Speaker 1: high amounts is not ideal. The brain loves homeostasis. It
9:16
Speaker 1: loves like a nice even balance of shit, including you know,
9:19
Speaker 1: the hormones or the neurochemicals that we label as quote
9:23
Speaker 1: unquote bad, and including the ones that we label as
9:25
Speaker 1: quote unquote good, and some of them get a bad rap,
9:28
Speaker 1: and cortisol is one of them. Cortisol is necessary in
9:32
Speaker 1: the morning to help you wake up and be alert
9:33
Speaker 1: in the morning. Your highest levels of cortisol when naturally,
9:37
Speaker 1: when in a natural cycle, highest in the morning, and
9:40
Speaker 1: you want that. They're really Cortisol is great to help
9:44
Speaker 1: you perform. It helps you perform under pressure. It gives
9:48
Speaker 1: you like the oof you need to perform physically. So
9:51
Speaker 1: there's a lot of great uses for cortisol. And when
9:53
Speaker 1: you have when you're not chronically stressed, when someone is
9:57
Speaker 1: not chronically stressed and they've got quote unquote regular levels
10:01
Speaker 1: of cortisol, then you've got this kind of low lying
10:04
Speaker 1: level of cortisol, and when you need it, you get
10:06
Speaker 1: a spike of cortisol.
10:08
Speaker 3: You use that cortisol for like I need to get
10:10
Speaker 3: up on stage.
10:11
Speaker 1: I need to like sprint, I need to whatever it is, Bang,
10:14
Speaker 1: I use it. It's stress as in, like your body
10:17
Speaker 1: is under stress, so you need it, you have to react. Bang,
10:20
Speaker 1: you use it, and then bang it drops once you've
10:23
Speaker 1: you know, performed and needed to do something, and then
10:25
Speaker 1: you then it tapers back down below kind of back
10:28
Speaker 1: to baseline. That's what happens normally. Then we've got people
10:32
Speaker 1: that are chronically stressed. And when you are chronically stressed
10:36
Speaker 1: physical stress, emotional stress, then you get what is a
10:41
Speaker 1: constantly higher than what regular people's baseline would be. I mean,
10:45
Speaker 1: how do you like what's regular baseline? How long is
10:48
Speaker 1: a piece of string kind of thing? But it's this
10:50
Speaker 1: chronically higher level of cortison that's kind of being released
10:54
Speaker 1: constantly because you're always in this state of.
10:56
Speaker 3: Like, ah, do I need to react?
10:57
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh no, So.
10:59
Speaker 1: These thoughts actually and these beliefs and your reaction to
11:02
Speaker 1: things is causing this higher level of cortisol. And then
11:06
Speaker 1: the higher level of cortisol chronically is causing these thoughts.
11:11
Speaker 1: So you're creating this vicious cycle too, and my thoughts
11:13
Speaker 1: are creating this chemical release. This chemical release is triggering
11:16
Speaker 1: me to feel scared, and this feeling of scared is
11:20
Speaker 1: triggering the thought okay, and then the thought so it's
11:22
Speaker 1: you're getting this cycle right now.
11:24
Speaker 3: The downside of having like.
11:25
Speaker 1: Chronic levels of cortisol all the time is that you
11:29
Speaker 1: don't get the spikes of.
11:30
Speaker 3: Cortisol when you need it.
11:32
Speaker 1: So you'd think, oh, someone who's got higher levels of
11:34
Speaker 1: cortisol should perform really well and should be really good
11:37
Speaker 1: at physical performance, and no, So because it's chronically higher,
11:40
Speaker 1: it's kind of.
11:41
Speaker 2: Like a skewed they don't have a skewed.
11:43
Speaker 1: Kind of release cycle of cortisol. So you're not getting
11:47
Speaker 1: the proper release in the morning like the general population
11:49
Speaker 1: would or the general non anxiety, non stress population would.
11:54
Speaker 1: You when you need to perform, when you need that umph,
11:58
Speaker 1: you're not getting that spike. And then it's not dropping
12:01
Speaker 1: below a baseline or returning to baseline. It's always sitting
12:04
Speaker 1: higher than that what should be a baseline when someone
12:08
Speaker 1: is chronically stressed and when that's happening, so you're not
12:11
Speaker 1: getting the spikes, you're not getting the lows. It's just
12:12
Speaker 1: sitting just higher than what it should be when that happens.
12:17
Speaker 1: It actually and what I'm about to say it sounds scary,
12:19
Speaker 1: but it's very reversible, so don't forget. It shrinks a
12:22
Speaker 1: part of your brain called the hippocampus, and the hippo
12:27
Speaker 1: campus is the part of the brain that helps with
12:29
Speaker 1: memory consolidation. That's one of the main things that it does,
12:32
Speaker 1: memory memory consolidation.
12:35
Speaker 3: It helps with learning.
12:36
Speaker 1: And so when your memory consolidation and when you're learning
12:40
Speaker 1: is hindered or like stifled, that's going to cause a
12:45
Speaker 1: lot of stress, right because you're going to be more
12:51
Speaker 1: on edge if you're not remembering things, if you're really forgetful,
12:54
Speaker 1: it's causing you more stress throughout the day. People that
12:56
Speaker 1: are highly stressed are highly forgetful. And it's not like
12:59
Speaker 1: forget about birth days and shit like that. While it
13:02
Speaker 1: could be that, but it's like you've left the house,
13:03
Speaker 1: a fuck, I've left that. So you go back and
13:05
Speaker 1: then this back and forth. You might find that you're
13:07
Speaker 1: just always in a flurry, and that could be because
13:10
Speaker 1: you have this you know, this disconnect going on.
13:15
Speaker 2: Now.
13:17
Speaker 1: When that is happening, you also have higher activity in
13:21
Speaker 1: the basil ganglia area of your brain the amygdala as well,
13:25
Speaker 1: which is like that fight or flight thing.
13:27
Speaker 3: I've spoken about it heaps.
13:28
Speaker 1: So when this is all happening, so you've got this
13:31
Speaker 1: shrinkage of the hippocampus, or at least it's affecting the
13:34
Speaker 1: hippocampal area, and even if it's not shrinking yet, you're
13:39
Speaker 1: still getting the effects there. You're also getting reduced sleep
13:44
Speaker 1: quality or reduced sleep in general. So we've got our
13:48
Speaker 1: memory that's affected. We're heightened emotions. Because it's affecting that
13:51
Speaker 1: fear center in the brain or that reactive center in
13:54
Speaker 1: the brain, you're not remembering things probably, So there's this
13:56
Speaker 1: whole issue going on. And to top it off, to
14:00
Speaker 1: top it off, it also makes it harder for brain areas,
14:04
Speaker 1: areas within the brain to communicate with each other.
14:09
Speaker 3: Good times good times.
14:11
Speaker 1: So you've got your prefrontal cortex, which is that part
14:13
Speaker 1: of the brain which is just behind your forehead bone,
14:16
Speaker 1: whatever you call it. That is you're kind of what's
14:20
Speaker 1: known as like the personality center. You're reasoning where you
14:23
Speaker 1: can like make it like it's an executive function, and
14:26
Speaker 1: that part of the brain is really good at logical
14:28
Speaker 1: thinking and talking you down off the edge. So when
14:30
Speaker 1: you start, you know, catastrophizing, it's going to be areas
14:33
Speaker 1: within the prefrontal cortex that are going to be like no, no,
14:37
Speaker 1: like you know, maybe they just didn't see you call,
14:39
Speaker 1: or maybe maybe this, or maybe like you just start
14:41
Speaker 1: like reasoning a bit. When cortisol levels are chronically high,
14:45
Speaker 1: the communication between the reasoning center of the brain, the
14:48
Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex, and the emotional centers of the brain are
14:52
Speaker 1: not working properly, to say the least. So then that
14:56
Speaker 1: can help you understand understanding what's happening on a chemist
15:00
Speaker 1: call and a physical level on the brain. Then you're
15:04
Speaker 1: able to understand why overthinking happens. Right, there's a disconnect
15:09
Speaker 1: between these two areas for me to easily logically talk
15:12
Speaker 1: myself out of overthinking.
15:14
Speaker 3: So that makes sense.
15:15
Speaker 1: I'm not sleeping that well because of my higher levels
15:18
Speaker 1: of cortisol. And because I'm not sleeping that well and
15:20
Speaker 1: my higher and the levels of cortisol a higher and
15:22
Speaker 1: I'm forgetful, it's causing me to stress more, which then
15:24
Speaker 1: causes more cortisol, which then causes more of a disconnect,
15:27
Speaker 1: which then causes me to not be able to talk
15:29
Speaker 1: myself down off the ledge when I'm catastrophizing. So that
15:33
Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense, and the beauty of it
15:36
Speaker 1: is is that you can do things to tackle what's
15:40
Speaker 1: going on.
15:41
Speaker 3: There's a lot that can be done.
15:45
Speaker 1: Okay, So the first thing is when I mentioned to
15:48
Speaker 1: you that it's really difficult to intercept an emotional thought,
15:51
Speaker 1: which with a logic thought, the more stressed you are,
15:54
Speaker 1: it is difficult, but not impossible. And what I mean
15:57
Speaker 1: by that, it's not gonna happen automatically. Likely not to
16:00
Speaker 1: happen automatically, you're likely when you're someone who overthinks and catastrophizes,
16:05
Speaker 1: you'll probably have to really sit down, maybe with the workbook.
16:09
Speaker 1: This is where cognitive behavior therapy is very successful and
16:12
Speaker 1: comes in handy because you're consciously sitting down and you're
16:15
Speaker 1: consciously working through your thought patterns, and you're analyzing your
16:19
Speaker 1: thoughts and you're overwriting those thoughts. So with a lot
16:22
Speaker 1: of different kinds of CBT therapies, cognitive behavioral therapies, you'll
16:28
Speaker 1: break apart of thoughts. So you think about a thought
16:30
Speaker 1: like no one loves me. Okay, right, let's look at
16:32
Speaker 1: that thought and think is this true? Is this completely true?
16:37
Speaker 1: Do I have evidence to say the opposite of that?
16:40
Speaker 1: And then you start naming examples. Yep, Okay, so this
16:42
Speaker 1: person obviously loves me. Yep, I've got a really good
16:44
Speaker 1: relationship with this Okay, so maybe not nobody loves me.
16:47
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just this one person that doesn't love me.
16:49
Speaker 1: And so you start really becoming a lot more logical
16:52
Speaker 1: about how you approach a thought. And then the more
16:55
Speaker 1: often you do it, that initial instinctive reaction thing nobody
17:00
Speaker 1: loves me, it goes away and it gets replaced with
17:04
Speaker 1: this person probably does not like me.
17:06
Speaker 2: Maybe I should just you know.
17:07
Speaker 1: Whatever, or this person has annoyed at me, It doesn't
17:09
Speaker 1: mean they don't like me. Like, you start reasoning so
17:11
Speaker 1: much better and you start intercepting those thoughts a lot easier.
17:15
Speaker 1: So that's one of the ways that you do it
17:18
Speaker 1: through cognitive behavior therapy. You if you find that it's
17:21
Speaker 1: absolutely taking over your life, then go look into cognitive
17:25
Speaker 1: behavior therapy and you know, go to a clinician a
17:28
Speaker 1: psychologist and work through it together. But you can also
17:30
Speaker 1: do these exercises at home if you want to try
17:33
Speaker 1: them at home and be you know, questioning your thoughts.
17:35
Speaker 3: Another thing that is huge, huge, huge, huge huge is meditation.
17:42
Speaker 1: There are so many studies that show that meditation is
17:45
Speaker 1: one off, if not the best, but definitely one off
17:50
Speaker 1: the best ways to enhance connectivity between your prefrontal cortex
17:56
Speaker 1: and your amigdala, the emotional centers and the logic centers.
18:03
Speaker 1: So the more you meditate, or maybe not the more
18:07
Speaker 1: you meditate, but the quality, the better quality of your meditation,
18:11
Speaker 1: the more connectivity you're getting between those brain regions. And
18:15
Speaker 1: the more connectivity you get between those brain regions, the
18:18
Speaker 1: easier it becomes to automatically intercept your thoughts and not spiral.
18:24
Speaker 1: You have the thought, you intercept it, You think of
18:26
Speaker 1: something logic and state of emotional and then you move
18:28
Speaker 1: on to another thought. Okay, So for some people that
18:31
Speaker 1: overthink is they're like, that could never be made. It
18:33
Speaker 1: could be you, but it takes a little bit of
18:36
Speaker 1: you know, practice and time. But absolutely you can, because
18:38
Speaker 1: the brain can be rewired and remolded. Some people easier
18:42
Speaker 1: than others, granted that's for sure, but for people where
18:45
Speaker 1: it's difficult, it can still be rewired.
18:48
Speaker 3: It might take you a bit more work, but it
18:49
Speaker 3: is worth it.
18:50
Speaker 1: The next thing that I want to talk about is
18:53
Speaker 1: sleep hygiene, because already as it is, you're not getting
18:58
Speaker 1: the best sleep because you've got higher life of cortisol chronically,
19:01
Speaker 1: and when cortisol is higher, it is harder for you
19:04
Speaker 1: to then dip into a nice, you know, deep sleep
19:07
Speaker 1: when you're trying to fall asleep. And if you are
19:11
Speaker 1: highly stressed when you are asleep, the chances if your
19:13
Speaker 1: brain really resting really well are maybe not as high
19:17
Speaker 1: because you are highly stressed, and the quality of sleep
19:20
Speaker 1: does go down. Because again, we need that like even
19:24
Speaker 1: kind of release cycle. We're not even we need a
19:27
Speaker 1: cycle of different neurotransmitters at night, neurochemicals and hormones versus
19:32
Speaker 1: during the day. If you are somebody and this goes
19:36
Speaker 1: for people that are not even necessarily overthinkers, but if
19:39
Speaker 1: you are somebody that on a regular basis needs to
19:42
Speaker 1: take a valium xanax aka a benzo benzodiazepam or something
19:47
Speaker 1: similar to sedate yourself at night more than a couple
19:51
Speaker 1: of times a year, then we have something that needs
19:55
Speaker 1: to be addressed.
19:55
Speaker 3: We have an issue that needs to be addressed.
19:57
Speaker 1: Okay, because it's not normal to not sleep properly, and
20:02
Speaker 1: if you're an overthinker and it's really affecting your life,
20:07
Speaker 1: and if your sleep is out of whack, then we've
20:09
Speaker 1: got something to work with here. This is a good thing, okay,
20:12
Speaker 1: because you're like, Okay, that's something that I can work
20:14
Speaker 1: on that will for sure help my overthinking. Sleep hygen
20:18
Speaker 1: is crucial. So what I mean by sleep hygen is
20:22
Speaker 1: pay attention to the to the hour leading up to
20:25
Speaker 1: when you're going to bed. Ideally, you want to be
20:28
Speaker 1: paying attention to your behaviors throughout the whole day. But
20:29
Speaker 1: let let's not get idealistic here. Let's talk about the
20:32
Speaker 1: final hour, maybe two hours before you're going to bed.
20:35
Speaker 1: You should not be on your social media. You should
20:37
Speaker 1: not be triggering any Get off your fucking emails.
20:41
Speaker 3: We're trying to wind down.
20:43
Speaker 1: So anything that's going to trigger some sort of reaction,
20:47
Speaker 1: emotional reaction, email, social media, that kind of shit notifications,
20:51
Speaker 1: put your fucking phone on silence, cunt. And if you
20:56
Speaker 1: need to do a what's it called like do not
21:00
Speaker 1: disturb where like the people in your favorites list can
21:03
Speaker 1: contact you or whatever it is.
21:04
Speaker 3: I don't know, don't know how that works, but something
21:06
Speaker 3: like that, put it on the whatever whatever it is.
21:09
Speaker 1: Little Moon, if you've got an iPhone, I don't know,
21:13
Speaker 1: you should not be having notifications, this little dittling, diddling, diddling,
21:16
Speaker 1: and you're checking your phone. That is so bad for
21:18
Speaker 1: sleep hygiene. Then when you're in bed, do something that's
21:22
Speaker 1: kind of lower light. So maybe listen to a podcast
21:24
Speaker 1: or read a book that's where you've got a back
21:26
Speaker 1: lit light, like a light above your head, not a
21:28
Speaker 1: light that's shining to your face.
21:31
Speaker 3: Okay, because a.
21:32
Speaker 1: Warm light above your head is not going to negatively
21:35
Speaker 1: affect your sleep.
21:36
Speaker 2: You don't have to.
21:36
Speaker 1: I mean, some people go a red light and that's fine,
21:38
Speaker 1: that's great, but you don't even have to do that.
21:40
Speaker 1: It's more these like harsh bright lights that are in
21:44
Speaker 1: your face. And yes, blue lights are worse than red,
21:47
Speaker 1: but any bright light is going to be stimulating, by
21:49
Speaker 1: the way.
21:50
Speaker 3: Okay, so sleep hygiene. And then also another thing.
21:53
Speaker 1: If you're really trying to work your sleep hygien you're like,
21:56
Speaker 1: it's really normal, pay attention to the time that you
21:58
Speaker 1: brush your teeth. Don't brush your teeth just before bed,
22:02
Speaker 1: because there's you know, mint in your mouth. These bright
22:05
Speaker 1: lights in the bathroom. I was watching a Ted talk
22:07
Speaker 1: about it and about the importance of sleep on the brain.
22:09
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to find that Ted talk and somehow
22:10
Speaker 1: share it to you guys, because it's brilliant.
22:12
Speaker 3: But he talks about that.
22:14
Speaker 1: He talks about like you walk into the bathroom and
22:15
Speaker 1: it's like so bright, and then you expect to just
22:18
Speaker 1: like wind down into a gentle sleep immediately after that.
22:20
Speaker 1: So it's a bit intense. So maybe do it an
22:22
Speaker 1: hour before you go to sleep, and just things that
22:24
Speaker 1: are basically just think what's gonna slow me down. Let's
22:26
Speaker 1: think about it logically. Soft light above the head, a book,
22:30
Speaker 1: A podcast with no lights on is great. Doesn't have
22:33
Speaker 1: to be my podcast because one's intense. But you can
22:35
Speaker 1: listen to anything that's kind of wind you down and
22:37
Speaker 1: calm you down. Listen to some soundscapes and shit like that.
22:39
Speaker 1: It's really nice. So that's a huge one. Then in general,
22:45
Speaker 1: separate to your sleep hygiene, in general, I need you
22:49
Speaker 1: to think about how you're gonna limit things that are
22:53
Speaker 1: going to trigger your stress throughout the day. And a
22:56
Speaker 1: huge one is social media and notifications. You need to
23:00
Speaker 1: use it as a tool, don't let it use you.
23:03
Speaker 1: And what I mean by it use you is is
23:05
Speaker 1: these things are designed for you to be a slave
23:09
Speaker 1: to them.
23:09
Speaker 3: They're designed to that way. And I'm not going to be.
23:11
Speaker 1: Hell conspiracy theory or like evil because we can use
23:15
Speaker 1: it too, and it's a great tool, and I use
23:16
Speaker 1: it all the time and I fucking love it, and
23:17
Speaker 1: it is a great tool.
23:18
Speaker 3: But you've got to find a.
23:19
Speaker 1: Way to make sure that it's not consuming you. You
23:22
Speaker 1: consume it when you need to, and then you put
23:24
Speaker 1: it away when you need to. Otherwise it will ruin you.
23:28
Speaker 1: It will fucking ruin your mental health. It will ruin you,
23:30
Speaker 1: like you just be so stressed, and if you're already
23:33
Speaker 1: in an overthinker, this is going to make it worse.
23:35
Speaker 1: And the reason it's going to make it worse is
23:37
Speaker 1: because you're constantly going through this cycle of quick hits
23:43
Speaker 1: of dopamine. And when you get quick hits of dopamine
23:45
Speaker 1: repeatedly bang bang bang bang bang, checking checking, checking, or
23:48
Speaker 1: your fucking notifications, what happens. Your dopamine drops significantly below
23:53
Speaker 1: its baseline, So your normal levels of motivation to do
23:57
Speaker 1: other things are going to be lower. And then when
24:00
Speaker 1: you're not motivated to other other things.
24:02
Speaker 3: What do you do?
24:02
Speaker 1: You feel flat, You feel shit about yourself, You feel
24:04
Speaker 1: annoyed that you didn't get things done. Then you start ruminating,
24:07
Speaker 1: then you start overthinking. So it all, it's all. It's
24:12
Speaker 1: a very what do you call it, holistic thing that
24:15
Speaker 1: we've got to do. So when it comes to my phone,
24:20
Speaker 1: it's on silent most of the time, I'd say ninety
24:24
Speaker 1: nine percent of the time, because.
24:26
Speaker 3: My phone is with me enough.
24:28
Speaker 1: It's with me more than enough as it is, So
24:31
Speaker 1: the likelihood of me not responding to a text for
24:34
Speaker 1: hours is pretty low unless I'm doing something where I
24:38
Speaker 1: cannot have my phone on me.
24:39
Speaker 3: It's just on me often enough.
24:41
Speaker 1: I don't have any notifications other than phone call and
24:46
Speaker 1: text message. No WhatsApp, no Instagram, no email. I don't
24:51
Speaker 1: get the little bubble with the number. It's all off,
24:54
Speaker 1: and I encourage you all to do the same, because
24:56
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now that red little dot
24:59
Speaker 1: is not helping you.
25:01
Speaker 3: That little bubble with the.
25:01
Speaker 1: Number of how many notifications you have, it doesn't help
25:04
Speaker 1: you because you already check your Instagram. You already check
25:06
Speaker 1: those accounts enough. You don't need someone telling you, hey,
25:09
Speaker 1: by the way, you've got one that you need to
25:10
Speaker 1: check now when you're going to check it in three
25:12
Speaker 1: seconds time, Like, you don't need that. It's ridiculous and
25:16
Speaker 1: we think that we need it, but you don't. If
25:18
Speaker 1: you're checking your email every couple of hours or every hour,
25:21
Speaker 1: even that's enough, okay, So take off the notifications. We
25:26
Speaker 1: are not designed to be pulled in a thousand directions constantly.
25:31
Speaker 3: That is not what the brain is designed to do.
25:33
Speaker 1: So to put ourselves in an environment where that's happening
25:36
Speaker 1: all the time is blatantly a disregard for our own
25:40
Speaker 1: brain and peace of mind and mental health. You need
25:42
Speaker 1: to limit notifications. Limit, limit, limit. You don't have to
25:45
Speaker 1: have your phone on silent like I do, but at
25:48
Speaker 1: least just go okay texts and calls and then everything else.
25:51
Speaker 3: No, you need to And when I.
25:56
Speaker 1: Say this, I like limiting you know, notifications also who
26:00
Speaker 1: ideally you want to pay attention to your social media use, like,
26:04
Speaker 1: don't don't go on it the first thing in the morning.
26:06
Speaker 3: This is going to really trigger your stress and trigger
26:08
Speaker 3: like a downward.
26:09
Speaker 1: Spiral for the rest of the day because you've got
26:10
Speaker 1: these hits of dope atmine early in the morning.
26:12
Speaker 3: Then bang, it's gone by the time it's ten am.
26:14
Speaker 1: So I unless, like I'll Today is different because today
26:19
Speaker 1: is like, well, when I'm recording, this is like launch
26:21
Speaker 1: day for the course. So I'll be dead honest, and
26:23
Speaker 1: I'll say that for the first hour of the day,
26:25
Speaker 1: I didn't use social media, but straight after that I
26:27
Speaker 1: was on it because I've got a deadline.
26:29
Speaker 3: So today's an exception.
26:30
Speaker 1: But in general, for the first two hours of the day,
26:34
Speaker 1: I won't be you know, checking notifications, checking whatever. The
26:41
Speaker 1: most I'll do is like post a sunrise and not
26:45
Speaker 1: check anything. That's literally the most I'll do. So try
26:49
Speaker 1: and limit the social media use in the morning. And
26:53
Speaker 1: sometimes when like I talk to people, even friends who
26:56
Speaker 1: I see are like highly stressed and highly whatever, I'll
26:58
Speaker 1: say you need to be on your phone less, and
27:00
Speaker 1: they're like yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, what else? What else? What else?
27:01
Speaker 1: What else do I need to do? I'm like, you
27:04
Speaker 1: need to be on your phone less. That's one of
27:06
Speaker 1: the main things that we need to do. And you
27:08
Speaker 1: need to choose your discomfort. Okay, do you want the
27:13
Speaker 1: discomfort of being on your phone less, especially at night
27:17
Speaker 1: time before bed, which actually is not going to be
27:19
Speaker 1: that uncomfortable because you'll find that it's quite blissful very
27:22
Speaker 1: very soon. But do you want that discomfort or do
27:24
Speaker 1: you want the discomfort of chronic stress and poor sleep
27:26
Speaker 1: and anxiety and overthinking. Pick your poison right, So one
27:31
Speaker 1: is going to be hard in the short term and
27:32
Speaker 1: brilliant in the long term, and the other is going
27:34
Speaker 1: to be hard now and hard later and hard forever. Okay,
27:37
Speaker 1: you just think it's easy because you're not having to
27:40
Speaker 1: restrain yourself, But it's not easy because you're suffering right now.
27:43
Speaker 3: So it's not easy. You're still uncomfortable.
27:46
Speaker 1: Everything in life is about choosing your discomfort. You have
27:50
Speaker 1: to make a decision. I'm either going to choose discomfort
27:53
Speaker 1: that serves me. It's uncomfortable, but at least it's working
27:56
Speaker 1: for me, or I'm going to choose discomfort by being
27:59
Speaker 1: a victim to my own situation, which means I'll do
28:02
Speaker 1: nothing now or actions that are hurting me right now,
28:05
Speaker 1: and then suffer the repercussions of it later. But being
28:08
Speaker 1: uncomfortable is inevitable. You cannot go through life without discomfort.
28:11
Speaker 1: It's impossible. So if you think olely discomfort, you're currently
28:14
Speaker 1: uncomfortable right now.
28:15
Speaker 3: I can guarantee you that.
28:16
Speaker 1: So you are either uncomfortable with your lifestyle, uncomfortable with
28:20
Speaker 1: something about your emotions, your sleep quality, your physical health.
28:24
Speaker 3: There's something that you don't like.
28:26
Speaker 1: If you're someone that avoids discomfort, I can guarantee you
28:29
Speaker 1: have discomfort in your life. The people that face discomfort
28:32
Speaker 1: head on and say I'm going to do these things
28:33
Speaker 1: where I'm restricting myself from, you know, always doing behaviors
28:38
Speaker 1: that are ultimately going to be unhealthy for my health
28:40
Speaker 1: or my brain health. They're the ones or the ones
28:43
Speaker 1: that actually push themselves to do things that aren't that
28:46
Speaker 1: fun in the moment, that don't procrastinate. They're the ones
28:49
Speaker 1: that have short term discomfort. Difficult in the short term,
28:53
Speaker 1: easy in the long term. If it's easy now, it's
28:55
Speaker 1: going to be hard later. If it's hard now, it's
28:56
Speaker 1: going to be easy later. That's how you want to
28:58
Speaker 1: look at it. And when it comes to overthas thinking
29:00
Speaker 1: the things to put into place that are going to
29:02
Speaker 1: change not just how you feel in the moment, but
29:05
Speaker 1: they're going to change how your brain is wired.
29:09
Speaker 3: Are going to be uncomfortable in the moment.
29:13
Speaker 1: Another thing that helps is getting up early and going
29:16
Speaker 1: outside and getting some sunlight. Hubanan lab great podcast. He
29:21
Speaker 1: does heaps of stuff about sunlight in the morning, and
29:24
Speaker 1: because he works a lot about like the eyes and
29:26
Speaker 1: vision and all of that, and how the sunlight really
29:28
Speaker 1: positively influences your circadian rhythm. So when you're waking up
29:30
Speaker 1: and going outside and getting some sunlight, very beneficial to
29:33
Speaker 1: your brain health, very beneficial to get that healthy release
29:36
Speaker 1: of cortisol in the morning that then tapers down later on.
29:39
Speaker 1: So that's a huge one to add in. If you
29:42
Speaker 1: feel that way, don't wake up and then be in doors, indoors.
29:45
Speaker 3: Get out, get out fresh air.
29:47
Speaker 1: Another one is exercise, kind of like meditation, to help
29:50
Speaker 1: increase the connectivity between regions of the brain.
29:52
Speaker 3: Exercise is huge, huge for doing that.
29:54
Speaker 1: You want to get your blood flow pumping, you want
29:58
Speaker 1: to get oxygen and blood to the brain, bang to
30:00
Speaker 1: the brain, to the brain, to the brain, and this
30:02
Speaker 1: is a good release, a good release of cortisol when
30:05
Speaker 1: you do it. Because the things that release cortisol that
30:07
Speaker 1: then drop it below baseline are not things that need
30:09
Speaker 1: to be avoided. So exercise is one of those things.
30:12
Speaker 1: It is going to release cortisol when you exercise because
30:15
Speaker 1: you're performing.
30:15
Speaker 3: It's performance.
30:17
Speaker 1: But then after you finish exercising, draw drops below your
30:21
Speaker 1: baseline and it stays below your baseline for a little bit.
30:23
Speaker 3: Saunas are the same.
30:24
Speaker 1: They spike your cortisol because your body is under stress,
30:29
Speaker 1: and then bang lower than baseline. So if you're highly stressed,
30:32
Speaker 1: if you're an overthinker, do physical interventions as well as
30:35
Speaker 1: psychological interventions. You want to be exercising, get your heart
30:38
Speaker 1: rate up, you want to be going into the sauna.
30:41
Speaker 1: You want to be meditating as well, getting up early,
30:44
Speaker 1: going into the sun, less time on your phone. There's
30:47
Speaker 1: so many physical behavioral things we can change before you
30:50
Speaker 1: even have to. Well, I would do a multi pronged approach.
30:52
Speaker 1: I do it all at the same time if I
30:54
Speaker 1: was struggling with this because it's very effective. But even
30:58
Speaker 1: before you're talking about doing cognit behavioral therapy, which is
31:01
Speaker 1: very effective and I highly recommend you do it, But
31:03
Speaker 1: there's all these physical things you could be doing alongside
31:07
Speaker 1: it that are going to you know, you're going to
31:08
Speaker 1: read huge rewards and then before I go into foods.
31:13
Speaker 3: To be taking another one in your life.
31:16
Speaker 1: It sounds really like boring and cliche, but you need
31:18
Speaker 1: to limit the chaos in your life. Okay, So if
31:22
Speaker 1: you find that you are burning out, which a lot
31:25
Speaker 1: of the time, if you are someone that's overthinking, you're
31:27
Speaker 1: probably emotionally already burning out. But this is you know
31:29
Speaker 1: where you're you know, when you're highly stressed, irritable similar symptoms.
31:32
Speaker 1: Burnout symptoms are similar to overthinking symptoms, funnily.
31:35
Speaker 3: Enough, but you have to be a bit.
31:40
Speaker 1: More stingy with your energy when you're feeling that way,
31:44
Speaker 1: when you're burnt out and when you're overthinking, and when
31:46
Speaker 1: you're a chronic overthinker, you need to kind of reel
31:49
Speaker 1: it in and go into a bit of like a
31:51
Speaker 1: rest and digest phase.
31:52
Speaker 2: For your brain.
31:53
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is kind of like
31:54
Speaker 1: aim for a bit of a slower lane for a
31:56
Speaker 1: little bit and start to think, like do I have
31:58
Speaker 1: to go to every single social event? Do I have
32:01
Speaker 1: to hang out with that person that I know, I
32:03
Speaker 1: know makes me stressed every time I see that. Maybe
32:06
Speaker 1: I can limit my interaction with this person this time, maybe,
32:08
Speaker 1: you know, like just just be a little bit more
32:11
Speaker 1: like maybe I can say no to a couple just
32:13
Speaker 1: a handful of things this week or this month, and
32:15
Speaker 1: that's going to help me. You know, you need to
32:18
Speaker 1: also give yourself time to wind down. If you're someone
32:20
Speaker 1: that's on, you know, always on on on on on
32:23
Speaker 1: on on, that may possibly might also be a contributor
32:27
Speaker 1: to these high levels of stress the whole time. Now,
32:31
Speaker 1: let's go into some foods that you can take that
32:34
Speaker 1: are really good for your brains.
32:36
Speaker 3: So lf andine.
32:37
Speaker 1: I've done a whole brain fact on LF and N,
32:39
Speaker 1: so I won't go into it, but it's a great
32:41
Speaker 1: regular of neuro regulator LF andin. It's a great regulator
32:46
Speaker 1: of neurochemicals. Very high levels in green tea, very high
32:52
Speaker 1: levels in matcha.
32:54
Speaker 3: So I started drinking matcha and I was like.
32:56
Speaker 1: This is foul, And then I started drinking it more
33:00
Speaker 1: and more and I actually quite like it. There are
33:02
Speaker 1: some places that you know, I do it in a lante,
33:04
Speaker 1: so it tastes quite nice for me.
33:05
Speaker 3: I don't know.
33:05
Speaker 1: I mean there's some like hardcore people that just do
33:08
Speaker 1: it in water. But it's phenomenal for your brain health.
33:11
Speaker 1: The levels of lpnine in matcha are really high. It's
33:14
Speaker 1: also in certain mushrooms, but not as high in mushrooms
33:18
Speaker 1: as it is in green tea and match It's also
33:20
Speaker 1: in black tea, but again matcha out of the teas
33:23
Speaker 1: is the highest one. Good fats, good oils, it's great
33:26
Speaker 1: for your brain. Dark green veggies as well. I would
33:30
Speaker 1: highly recommend like spinach, which is very high in lutine,
33:35
Speaker 1: which is like an antioxidant. It's very good antioxidant for
33:39
Speaker 1: the brain. So yeah, I love green greens, green things,
33:44
Speaker 1: green tea, matcha, spinach.
33:46
Speaker 3: Yeah. Good times.
33:47
Speaker 1: So that's the episode of today, guys. Hopefully you found
33:50
Speaker 1: that beneficial. Hopefully you took at least one intervention behavioral
33:55
Speaker 1: or emotional or you know, psychological out of that, and
33:59
Speaker 1: you can put that into practice. If you do one thing,
34:01
Speaker 1: you're going to feel a little bit better. If you
34:02
Speaker 1: do all of the things, you're gonna feel a lot better.
34:04
Speaker 1: And consistency is key. The more you do it on
34:08
Speaker 1: a regular basis, the better you're going to get at
34:10
Speaker 1: it and the better you're going to feel. So don't
34:12
Speaker 1: be so hard on yourself if you do three days
34:14
Speaker 1: on and then one day you fail, and then two
34:16
Speaker 1: days on and the one day you fail, because over
34:17
Speaker 1: the span of one hundred days, if you've done fifty days,
34:20
Speaker 1: that's still so much better than nothing.
34:22
Speaker 3: So don't be like, oh, I try it, and then
34:24
Speaker 3: I stoped, No, just keep going. Who cares if you
34:26
Speaker 3: have like crosses and ticks and crosses and ticks.
34:29
Speaker 1: As long as there's you know, a whole bunch of
34:31
Speaker 1: ticks there, you're going to start feeling a whole lot better. Like,
34:33
Speaker 1: don't be so hard on yourself. Just think, keep going,
34:36
Speaker 1: keep just chipping away and trying again and trying again
34:40
Speaker 1: and trying again, and you'll definitely be noticing some major changes.
34:50
Speaker 3: You have one underattective.
34:53
Speaker 1: All right, it's time for a listener question and I
34:55
Speaker 1: just look, I had to answer this one because the
34:59
Speaker 1: top go off. It was wild listener questions, so I
35:02
Speaker 1: was like, love this so much, let's get straight into it. Hi, darling,
35:06
Speaker 1: I need some advice on a situation with my boyfriend
35:09
Speaker 1: of almost three years. A bit of background is his
35:12
Speaker 1: best friend was previously dating my sister. They have now
35:16
Speaker 1: been broken up for about a year and a half
35:18
Speaker 1: and he has recently got engaged to his ex girlfriend.
35:21
Speaker 3: There is no bad blood.
35:23
Speaker 1: However, this couple is always having events to which I
35:26
Speaker 1: am not invited. My partner goes along without me, which
35:30
Speaker 1: hasn't really bothered me until now. All of the boy's
35:32
Speaker 1: girlfriends are invited and it just now seems I'm being
35:35
Speaker 1: left out. My partner and I did have a break
35:37
Speaker 1: period of three months or so. In this period, he
35:40
Speaker 1: slept with his friend's fiance's friend at their engagement party,
35:45
Speaker 1: and I can't help but think this fiance is leaving
35:47
Speaker 1: me out and might have an ulterior motive of my
35:50
Speaker 1: partner being with one of her friends. I had to
35:53
Speaker 1: chat to him, I'm guessing your boyfriend. I had to
35:55
Speaker 1: chat to him and opened up about how it made
35:57
Speaker 1: me upset, and he is not sure what to do
35:59
Speaker 1: about it it as this is an awkward situation. However,
36:02
Speaker 1: I feel like he should want to show me off, etc.
36:05
Speaker 1: Especially if everyone else's partners are going and have only
36:08
Speaker 1: been around for the past year or so. I feel
36:10
Speaker 1: embarrassed about him having to ask me to go, as
36:13
Speaker 1: I feel like it should have been a given to
36:15
Speaker 1: receive an invite. I'm not invited to the wedding, etc.
36:18
Speaker 1: And he is in the groom's party. Send help, Thank
36:21
Speaker 1: you so much, Love the pod. Okay, this is There's
36:23
Speaker 1: so many fucking layers to this thing.
36:24
Speaker 3: It's wild.
36:25
Speaker 1: The first thing I'm going to say is if someone
36:27
Speaker 1: didn't want me somewhere. The last thing I would want
36:29
Speaker 1: to do is to be there. However, does your boyfriend
36:35
Speaker 1: want you there? Is the question? Does he want you
36:38
Speaker 1: there because to be dating for three years with or
36:42
Speaker 1: without the break? You've been together for three years, right,
36:45
Speaker 1: everyone else you've been saying has been there for less
36:48
Speaker 1: than a year or so does he want you there because?
36:51
Speaker 3: No offense?
36:52
Speaker 1: And I'm not trying to throw your partner out to
36:54
Speaker 1: the bus, But either he has no spine whatsoever, or
36:58
Speaker 1: he doesn't want you there because And the reason I
37:01
Speaker 1: say this is there is no way in hell, in
37:05
Speaker 1: fucking hell that all my girlfriends would get together for
37:08
Speaker 1: an event and invite all their partners and not invite Tyrone.
37:11
Speaker 3: And if they did that, I'd be like, you guys
37:13
Speaker 3: are cunts.
37:14
Speaker 1: He's either coming or you guys are out of my life,
37:16
Speaker 1: you fucking Degenerate's like, what is the problem?
37:19
Speaker 3: Do you know what I'm saying?
37:20
Speaker 1: It just doesn't make sense. I would never have my
37:23
Speaker 1: friends exclude, like purposely exclude or my friend's partners purposely
37:28
Speaker 1: exclude Tyrone on a regular basis when everyone else is
37:32
Speaker 1: hanging out. That is a weird flex. And so for
37:35
Speaker 1: your partner to be okay with that. He either has
37:37
Speaker 1: no spine, sweet angel but spineless, or he does have
37:42
Speaker 1: an ulterior motive and he also doesn't want you there.
37:44
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but they're the only possibilities. It's all well
37:48
Speaker 1: and good for this friend's fiance to flex as much
37:51
Speaker 1: as she wants and say who's invited and who's not invited.
37:54
Speaker 1: But your partner can also say, hey, wait a minute,
37:58
Speaker 1: okay the wedding. Fine can't determine who's coming to the wedding,
38:01
Speaker 1: so that dismissed the wedding. But about as far as events,
38:05
Speaker 1: it does not make sense that one partner is always
38:11
Speaker 1: being excluded regularly for no legitimate reason. And if there
38:14
Speaker 1: is a legitimate reason, you need to hear it out,
38:17
Speaker 1: like what is the reason and why have they not
38:19
Speaker 1: given it to you? So I would just hit my
38:23
Speaker 1: boyfriend right between the eyes with it and to be like,
38:25
Speaker 1: what is the deal? Because these are the two options,
38:29
Speaker 1: And if there's a third option that I haven't seen, enlightened.
38:31
Speaker 3: Me immediately because how is this possible?
38:34
Speaker 1: And another question, which I guess you can't answer because
38:37
Speaker 1: we're not talking right now, but is it only events
38:39
Speaker 1: that they have are you invited to other events with
38:43
Speaker 1: the other group of friends where the other girlfriends are
38:45
Speaker 1: organizing it? Like, is it just events that they organize,
38:48
Speaker 1: but you're invited to every other event?
38:50
Speaker 3: So just to understand the dynamic, not that you can.
38:52
Speaker 1: Answer, because that would obviously make it a little bit different.
38:57
Speaker 1: It would mean that it's specifically just this couple that
39:00
Speaker 1: as an issue and not the other couples.
39:02
Speaker 3: But yeah, I honestly would. Yeah, that's fucking weird.
39:06
Speaker 1: And if I was in your position and that was
39:08
Speaker 1: Tyrone and his friends doing that, I would, Firstly, I'd
39:11
Speaker 1: never even want to hang out with them. I'd be like,
39:13
Speaker 1: you guys sound like you're in high school high school
39:16
Speaker 1: behaving that way. But also I would, Yeah, I'd definitely
39:21
Speaker 1: speak to Taran being like you, if you're actually okay
39:25
Speaker 1: with this, then that says a lot about you as
39:27
Speaker 1: well as your friends, and you kind of need to
39:31
Speaker 1: have a bit of an explanation.
39:32
Speaker 3: As to why he is okay with that.
39:36
Speaker 1: And if he's not okay with that, does he have
39:38
Speaker 1: such a weird dynamic with his friends that he can't
39:40
Speaker 1: talk Like what is it with these weird friendship groups
39:42
Speaker 1: where they can't just address an issue. The amount of
39:45
Speaker 1: messages that I get where people kind of address an
39:47
Speaker 1: issue with their friends. Are they a friend or are
39:49
Speaker 1: they an acquaintance that you just socialize with, because a friend,
39:53
Speaker 1: like a friend, should actually be able to be like,
39:56
Speaker 1: what's going on? Like if we're actually friends, isn't it
39:59
Speaker 1: weird that you don't I want to meet my partner
40:02
Speaker 1: when there's no proper reason for you not to meet her,
40:07
Speaker 1: Like if you were some absolute psychopath and you had
40:09
Speaker 1: caused a scene in the past, it makes sense that
40:11
Speaker 1: you're not invited. But that doesn't seem to be the
40:14
Speaker 1: case based on what you've told me. It doesn't seem
40:15
Speaker 1: like there's no there's no history here. So Nah, something's weird,
40:21
Speaker 1: something's weird. Spinalless or dodgy, that's what we should call
40:26
Speaker 1: this this.
40:29
Speaker 3: That's what we should call this whole episode.
40:32
Speaker 1: Nah, just this fucking listener questions spineless or dodgy. So
40:35
Speaker 1: just approach him and say, and have two cards and
40:37
Speaker 1: slide them across the table to your partner, and one
40:38
Speaker 1: says spineless, one says dodgy.
40:40
Speaker 3: You say pick one because you're one of the mate. Now,
40:43
Speaker 3: maybe address it.
40:44
Speaker 1: Probably don't do that I would never suggest you approach
40:47
Speaker 1: a conversation with your partner like that, but in all seriousness,
40:51
Speaker 1: it's literally one of those two options, and the third
40:53
Speaker 1: option is you need to give me a full on,
40:55
Speaker 1: detailed explanation, which answers why it's not one of those two.
40:59
Speaker 1: Hope that helped, but I'd be pissed as well. Um,
41:03
Speaker 1: cool beans. Thank you everyone for listening to the podcast
41:06
Speaker 1: today and for putting up with my slightly chaotic energy.
41:10
Speaker 1: But also go check out www dot dyfmpod dot com.
41:15
Speaker 1: We've got this subscription membership for the five extra mini
41:19
Speaker 1: episodes per week and we've also got the Intensive Design
41:24
Speaker 1: Your two point zero Life six week course which is
41:28
Speaker 1: going to be a game change off for your life. Guys,
41:31
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening. As always, please remember
41:34
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
41:36
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
41:39
Speaker 2: Don't it