Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep15: Family Math is Hard 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep15: Family Math is Hard 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, I'm walking on my uh 10th year off alcohol right now.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't need your claps.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bitter as fuck about it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because I'm you know, I'm just mad, you know, I'm upset about it.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Cause there's one type of alcoholic out there that drives me crazy, you know, and we like we it's it's wine drinkers.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do not like them.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: They can eat a dick big time.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's just the way they exist, you know what I mean?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: They think they're all cute and dope, you know, because we see what they do, they're alcoholics too.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: They get the big bottles of wine, they drink all that shit, and this is how they get away with it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: They add cheese and crackers and brusquetta to the little fucking mix.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And they call that shit a charcuterie board.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, charcuterie's my cousin's name.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know where you got that shit.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: That bitch is crazy.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: She's also lactose, she can't fuck with cheese.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And wine drinkers, they're arrogant, yo.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: They really are.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because they got merchandise that they make for themselves, t-shirts.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I saw this wine drinker walking around with a t-shirt on, right?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Had little Tyrannosaurus Rex on it, holding two wine glasses, and it was tilting one of them up, and across the top, it said winosaur.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get no merchandise for all the wild turkey I was drinking.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get no t-shirts made that said hard drink soft dick.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get that shit made.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Kiss my hand.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I didn't journal today.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't journal.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't read the self-help book.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've been off and on with anger management since I was 15.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I love anger management a lot.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's great.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's a really good thing.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they try to they really try to help you out, make you better, and I'm still trying.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: There, but there's just things I can't get rid of.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, like one of my favorite things to do, I love telling people to eat a dick.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just the way it pops.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I just love it.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when they're appalled when they go, because then I throw another one at them and I'm like, eat a dick again.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it pops.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but I can't do it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now I try to be better about it.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm like working on myself.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I do it differently.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I still say it, but I just do it, you know, soft, a little bit softer.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, eat a dick, respectfully, because you're doing I know you're trying, you know.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't yeah, I've been angry for a minute.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I've lost some I've lost some friends over it too.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck them, you know.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't right or dies anyway.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I didn't need them, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: But there's one one friend of mine, you know, my friend, my best friend of 20 years.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's been he's been through all of it with me, you know.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I just realized, like, he's never been terrified of my anger, you know.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's my best friend, you know, gay dude, right?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And we used to be roommates and shit, you know what I mean?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember one time I worked this crazy valet job and I rolled up in a house, and I was like, Yeah, yo, Tommy, I'll go down there, I'll beat everybody's ass.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: The housekeepers, the boss, the manager, I don't care, right?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: He was staring at me the whole time.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: He let me rant, and then once I was finished, he just goes, ew.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, was it the shadow boxing?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really take that.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love my best friend, though, he's dope, he's good, he's good people, so I love him to death.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's why Ryder died.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, like it's it's crazy, you know, because a lot of my friends, they act like we can't be straight males in this world and be best friends with gay gentlemen.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: So they would say these things to me all the time, like, oh, you gay roommate, he's hitting on you, huh?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he's trying to grab that ass, huh?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I hear that, I just want to slap them for saying that, yeah.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course that motherfucker hits on me.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Come on now.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: All this sexual chocolate walk around the house, bro.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I look good.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: My friends are stupid, bro.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm high.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I go to the gay bars with them too.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's different, man.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I gotta realize, like, gay gay dudes, they don't have a specific look.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they look like us, brother.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, I'm telling you, they dress just like us.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You too, sir.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're trying to walk in here all straight, but you know?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of times, like when they hit on you, like they gotta, you know, they don't know who they're hitting on, so they gotta test the waters a little bit.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It happened to me.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I said, I go to the gay bars with my homie, you know, we walk into the bar, he likes to do this thing, you know, where for me to stand behind him to see what dudes are checking him out while he struts his stuff.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this is my dog, I got his back.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, this dude comes up to me, like just out of nowhere, and he goes, Why were you yelling at me?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now I almost told him to eat a dick, but I didn't want to do it in that environment.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I was just like, I didn't say nothing to you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, why were you yelling at me?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Hey dog, I don't know if you got me confused with some of the big chocolate man in this club, but I didn't say shit to you, sir.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: He replied like this.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you weren't yelling at me, but those eyes are.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about the sweetest shit I ever heard, motherfucker.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: My eyes can yell sexually.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I had to thank that dude.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dude, how'd you know?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is it?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's like really dark in here, but like, how'd you see it?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It tripped me out.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing, I'm supposed to wear glasses, but I don't because I'm rebellious as fuck.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So most of the time, my face is like this.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So the fact that he thought that was sexy, man, fuck those glasses.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, ladies, step your game up on the way you hit on me because gay dudes are killing it right now, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now Louise, say something clever.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Talking about you're cute.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know that.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I got a gap.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: What's up?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all making me blush.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know you see the red cheeks.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Don't play with it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, I started watching those true crime uh murder docs.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I started watching them and I immediately had to stop.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why so many of these?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't think everyone that gets murdered needs a documentary about it.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's too much information.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I got one question, and it's for white women.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: When are you guys gonna stop running in the park at night?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because they have not fixed that situation for y'all.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And y'all keep doing this shit, and every time I would watch these true crime murder docs, I'd be like, Kimberly, no, what are you doing?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out here crying for Kimberly and Des Moines and shit, bruh.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how I think it gets messed up.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I think it gets messed up.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what happens: at the end of every episode, sometimes they'll gather around for each other, they'll gather around for these women, and it's everybody, guys and girls gather around, but there's one lady speaking up, and she'll be like, Women should be allowed to run anytime they want.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we will continue to run this park.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then everybody starts clapping as they should.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: But then I thought about it.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you know who else is clapping for this?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: The Predators.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're right there.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, yeah, run.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if I marry a white girl, I'm getting her a treadmill, okay?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, bitch, you an inside runner now, yeah.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your hokas are right there, sweetheart, yeah.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's a little force on the screen right there for you.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking shit about white women.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just have been with too many of y'all.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop, bro.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all fucking.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, people are like, why no black women?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's very tough.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, very tough.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, black women don't like John Mayer as much as I do.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I do use a lot of John Mayer lyrics to hit on women.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I walked up to a black girl, I said, Hey, your body is a wonderland.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, the fuck you say to me?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I said nothing.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I take it back.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't mean it.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I did not mean that.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's my favorite thing about black women.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't want someone to fuck with them, they'll just flinch.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: White women, y'all use words.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Write yelp reviews.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all do make the most simple words mean so much.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uncomfortable.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And also, that's a damaging word.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, put it this way if a white woman says she's uncomfortable, I'm doing 20 years, yeah?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just for being in the area.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, they fucked up my coffee too, sweetheart.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I said ice vanilla latte.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I do a lot of white women's shit.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I tried, I tried to do a cleanse.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, bro, it was crazy.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a seven-day cleanse.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I lasted three days, man.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that was not.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what the cleanse was.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: So the first two days, you just do protein shakes.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's all you can have, it's just protein shakes.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Four of them for the first two days, right?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then on the third day, you get to have a meal, and that meal is has to be a salad, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, I never been so fucking excited for a salad in my life.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it was crazy.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Cause like I don't I don't really fuck with the lettuce and shit like that.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, anytime someone puts a salad on my plate, I throw it over my shoulder.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's bad luck.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, bro, that's bad luck.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not with this breakfast burrito shit.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: No ma'am.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I that so but I was excited to eat that salad.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: When I ate that salad, man, I ate it so good.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: I meant everything, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what happened to me after I ate that salad?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I fucking fainted.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not a skinny white girl named Clarissa.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's why.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: They had to revive me and shit.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know how they woke me up?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: They woke me up with Cheetos.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up, I was like, Chester, what are you doing?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Damn, thanks, homie.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I love studying uh white people.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you guys are all the same.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: We need to stop telling y'all that.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm from Arizona, so I thought that it was true, you know.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, they're all alike, you know.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I gave y'all that.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: But then I started traveling, you know.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've this is the most I've ever traveled in my life, all due to stand-up comedy.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've never traveled before.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just a kid from Arizona, you know.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, yeah, thank you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but no, yeah, so I've been traveling, you know.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I went to some places, saw different layers of whites.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I yeah, I went to Vermont.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, saw the whitest shit in Vermont.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I saw people playing frisbee.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, with no dogs.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not a dog in sight.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: That was humans.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Back and forth with each other, no one wins or loses.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Someone would just occasionally drop it, they pick it up and they're like, come on, throw it back, throw it back, throw it back, throw it back.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Got it, alright.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then they do dumb shit like this.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I'm about to wind you up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: You ready for fucking ooh?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I felt like I was in a goddamn allergy commercial.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, the fuck is this?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: This Allegra?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Allegra.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Allegra had me messed up, man.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I love white people.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't mad at y'all.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I forgave y'all a long time ago.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I did when I was a little kid and shit.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all made it real difficult.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, as soon as y'all came up with the Food Fighters, I was like, okay.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Apology accepted, alright?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Leave me alone, leave me alone.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, like I said, yeah, I know where I'm from.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from Arizona, man.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, like, it's crazy, man.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up in Arizona, like, it's just one note, you know, like there's no culture there at all.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, leaving there, like, I realized I'm culture shocked to the world.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, one of the first places I got to travel was Philly, right?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I saw in Philly?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I saw hood white people, and I'm like, what the fuck?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Bradley, you're a gangster.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, you can go to college.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Get back in that cul-de-sac, put the drugs down.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't have that in Arizona.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have hood white people.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: We barely got black people.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, black people, when we see each other in Arizona, we just hug.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, are you okay?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to make it out.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I've been in Los Angeles for like six years now.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I got black friends.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of hard to find in Arizona, like I said.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: But these ones I'm friends with, they're real with it.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: They grew up in an area called Compton, right?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I've heard of Compton.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have, you know, but I realize I've only heard of Compton and songs, right?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice, the way they say Compton and songs is so aggressive.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: They just be like, Compton, Compton, Compton.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, we never shout Phoenix like that at all.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: We don't, we're like Phoenix, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's the state song, baby.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh-huh.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not a real gun, that's my hand.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's my hand, okay?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's your hand.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's a hand, that's a hand.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: You saw it straight, right?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Straight white, straight white saw it.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's a hand, there's a hand.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I done pulled nothing out of my pocket, but if I did, still a hand, still a hand, still a hand.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: They changed my lingo and shit.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: They got me talking different, you know, they got me saying G all the time.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate saying it because they never told me what the fuck it means.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're so aggressive about me saying it.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're always like, Gee, if you don't stop playing, just say that shit.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, well, G, I'm a little lost, okay?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Freaking A, dude.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sheesh.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Gordy McGordy, fuck, man.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to be your friend, but it's fucking difficult.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Golly.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Where's that friendship bracelet already?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Solidify this.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I ain't gonna lie, man.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel comfortable saying the N-word around them.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is my life.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I've been around white people for so long that sometimes I'm like, oh right, I'm not doing that.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, go to the next guy.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: He'll do it.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: I will not.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: I will not.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: But spoil alert, I'm allowed to say.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't like to.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't sound authentic coming out of my mouth.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that I use the word authentic to describe though should let you further know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, my favorite band is a band called Oasis.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have an Oasis tattoo on my body.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I own quite a few Oasis t-shirts.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't walk around in one of my Oasis shirts and be like, hey, Wonder Wall nigga.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's just tight.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nigga, I can play that shit on the guitar, yeah.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you don't know the lyrics?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I got you.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Nigga, today it's gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Nigga, by now.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: You should have.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I love that band.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Love that band.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know that band, brother?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: You don't?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know oasis?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's all good.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: You do know oasis.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, good, brother.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: You just saying that because you don't want me to fuck with you.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: He don't know the song.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Watch him go home and type in nigga today.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, man, that motherfucker lied.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Damn nigga today.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I'm sorry, brother.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta realize, like, I love talking about racial shit, especially when it comes to black and white people.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's been around for a minute.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love it, I love it.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I came out the womb and I was like, damn, this is what we got.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck yeah.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we all be doing shit.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: We all I mean, it comes with the territory.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I remember like when I was younger, like one of the first things I learned about when it came to racial stuff, like my stepdad, he sat down, me and my brother, as we got a little older into elementary school, right?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: He sat us down.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, hey, there's some things out that could potentially happen to you guys when you're out there in the world, and I gotta teach you guys how to deal with it, right?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And me and my brother were like, okay, you know what is it?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, potentially a white person can call you the N-word.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, you beat the fuck out of them.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: He gave us this whole speech as to why we should do it.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was a tough ass speech.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of that speech, me and my brother, we felt like we were Black Panthers.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: We were like, fuck yeah, we got this.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it took a while for that opportunity to come.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, me and my brother, we were trying everything to get people to say it.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: We were outside holding watermelon, like, yo, someone fucking say it already.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, man.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Damn, they ain't saying shit.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: But we grew up around poor white people, so they were like, can we have some of your watermelon?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: How'd you get that?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, that opportunity came.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I remember we just had moved to this new neighborhood, right, in Arizona.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my brother were outside playing.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: This white kid comes up, starts playing with me and my brother.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: He was being cool.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: We thought he was cool, right?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then he said the N-word to me and my brother with the E R.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: My brother smiled at me, he said, Chappelle, go get that motherfucker.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I chased this dude down.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I chased him the fuck down.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I did not catch him.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: That white boy, wow, he was fast.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, god damn.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: I said, that white boy is six feet.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I looked back at my brother, I was like, we're not Black Panthers, we're not.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: That white boy was so damn fast, I bet he ran all the way back to his friends just to say, hey yo, we can say it, we just gotta be fast, okay?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can laugh at that white guy.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a joke.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: The black people are laughing at it.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: You okay?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: He was looking back.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I talk a lot of shit, man.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up crazy.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't, like, not that I don't care about things in life, it's just I've just been trying to understand my life for the past 37 years.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, everything's wild.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure a lot of us in here, we all got a story.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: We all grew up kind of wild.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I got three dads.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Chill, bro.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why the fuck you looking at me like that?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: You let me finish.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I got three dads.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's the way I grew up.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: So originally I was with my biological mom and my stepfather.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: But my stepfather, he was crazy and abusive, right?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: So then I was adopted into a white family in my teens, and then seven years ago, I got to reconnect with my biological father.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I got three dads, two moms.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's my family story.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: And no, it's not fucking blind side.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Quit nodding at me like that.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all nodding at me, oh my god, that's who this guy is.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't know you did comedy, we thought you did the football thing.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Love your story.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: For the longest time, I actually didn't even realize I had three dads until all like the anger management therapy I was in journaling, I was doing, I didn't even realize I had three dads.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, then I thought about it on another level.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I've never called any of them dad before.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I ain't gonna start now.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 37.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: I look like they gotta earn that shit.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we gotta treat this shit like the bachelor, homie.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: They gotta take me on trips.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we need to figure this out.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Take me to Disneyland.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I like roller coasters.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Watch me go, wee, motherfuckers.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I got a favorite.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite's my abusive stepfather.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: He tried, he tried, man.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: He, you know, but I give him the benefit of the doubt.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because you gotta realize my stepdad, he was 17 years old when he came into my life.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when my mom told me that, I said, you didn't give me no stepdad, you gave me a stepbrother, homie.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was wondering why we were helping each other with each other's homework and shit.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was way smarter than him.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Jerry, sound it out.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's your name.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Come on now.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: You have to believe.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite thing about my stepdad was that he could cook.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: I loved it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: He could cook, man.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Jerry could get down in the kitchen.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know y'all looking at me like, why the fuck does that matter?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, because when I was adopted into a white family, it mattered a lot.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I know black people, we always make fun of white people's cooking, and we always say the same things.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: We go, their potato salad is bad.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, they got other bad dishes.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: They do.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they got this one called tuna noodle casserole.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I've never seen that on a restaurant menu any fucking way.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why are you making it?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And they dress it up with peas like it's doing something.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: My adopted father loved the peas.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: He'd be like, hey honey, come on, you were light last time, throw some more on there.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, motherfucker, throw this dish away.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need this shit.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: We got money.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then every morning, my adopted father, before we woke up, he would go to Starbucks and he'd bring home these things called scones.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Scones.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I look at him and I said, hey man, they fucked up.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: They did you wrong.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, whoever gave you these muffins?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: They left him out for like 15 days, dog.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this shit stuck in my throat.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, the water did not help.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Take me to the doctor, man.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: They gotta cut this shit out.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: So tough ass biscuit.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: This biscuit's dead, homie.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why you give me a dead biscuit?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I should beat your ass for that.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: He said, wait, you're supposed to nibble on it, bitch.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a rabbit.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not nibbling.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who tells another human to nibble?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I love my abusive stepfather, because he could cook, you know?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I ran away from home every day.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: But was back at dinner time, motherfucker.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: I knew what was up.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: I roll right in that bitch, too.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's up, Jerry?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was just a couple houses down.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's up with the ribs?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I'll take a solid punch in the throat for Jerry's jams on Thanksgiving.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't got that hit no more.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: He's getting old.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: Arthritish.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: He's catching up.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, you see how big I am?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Look at my thick ass neck.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell's he gonna do with me?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Hit me in my throat, and I'll be like, give me the yams, Jerry.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know what this is.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, happy Thanksgiving.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's my favorite joke.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: I love that joke.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love that joke so much.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because a lot of people, a lot of places, they can't handle that joke.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh my god, abuse.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: He talked about abuse.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: But some of y'all looking at me like, hey dog, sometimes it'll be like that, right?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you get hit.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Mr.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: I did that shit in Seattle.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: They were just crying.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like them.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's weird, white, that's pasty.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the women out there, they got um, they got uh armpit hair.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then they add uh leg hair to the equation.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And they all work at uh coffee shops, you know, and they got like green hair with like a fade, like it's like this.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: They got like 19 piercings, and they hate straight white males like you, sir.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: They see you walk in, they're like, get out of our establishment.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: They see me walk in, they're like, what do you want?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's how it is.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Where was I at?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Third dad.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my biological father.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a crazy story as to why he wasn't in my life.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny, you know.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he was out serving 17 years in prison for attempted murder.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, sometimes it be like that, right?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you attempt murder.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't finish.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: I could have helped him out, got him that tough ass biscuit, the scone, dog, yeah.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hit that dude one time, boom, he's out cold.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Blood and crumbs everywhere, homie.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: Detectives would never know what the fuck is up.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, Netflix is making a docuseries about the scone cold killer, dog, yeah.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's the stupidest joke I ever wrote.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I needed it to work for this thing.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: He told me the craziest shit.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: He got stabbed in prison, he's got a huge scar in his stomach from getting stabbed, but that wasn't even the craziest thing he told me.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the conversation, he told me he was a vegan.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said, that's why he got stabbed.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: What are you, gangbanging on Beyond Burgers, homie?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just bees up for Beyond and shit?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like also, I like how he'll kill people, but not animals.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: I love him, I love him, I love all my dads.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: I love them all.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I do journal a lot, you know.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's like my fucking thing, you know.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm able to talk so much shit.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: I love journaling.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's my favorite thing.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: I figured out a lot about myself.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think everybody should journal.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: You all should journal, man.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you look like you need it, you know.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: You sat there.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I love it.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: I love journaling.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: I figured out a lot about myself.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: There was there was something I figured out about myself recently that I was like, oh, that's always been like a thing in my life.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um I see women as humans.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I see you for who you are.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I'm very immune to hot women.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's because growing up, uh, for 12 years, I was a competitive cheerleader.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, I've cheered with some of the most beautiful women on earth.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't stand those bitches.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: I do not like them.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um I wish they stopped calling me, trying to have reunions and shit.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Kelsey, leave me the fuck alone.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, like they got so comfortable with me because sometimes I was the only dude on the team.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the things that they would do to me, like if my dude friends did the type of shit they did, I would beat the fuck out of my dude friends.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like when Haley farted in her hand and threw it on my face.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I never ever ever want to hit a woman.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I will accidentally trip a bitch in a heartbeat.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, I got a size 13 ready for Haley.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as she knocks down, I'm like, Haley, get uh, what are you doing?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you ever fart my fucking face again?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I was a competitive cheerleader, you know.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need the woos, I did that shit.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I get I get questions, you know.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: The one question that's annoying though is like people are like, oh Chappelle, were you picked on?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Were you bullied for growing up and being a male cheerleader that they hurt your feelings?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, who?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Who are these people?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because let me tell you something, I was a star cheerleader and the star bully in my high school.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody was fucking with me.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody could get a glitter on my face and all, dog.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would bedazzle dudes on the regular with glitter.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, anybody that stepped to me, I was like, what?
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Motherfucker, I told you.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, purple rain, homie, yeah.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, take your ass to science, yeah.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'd punk everybody.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know who I punk the most?
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: The football team.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because I took cheerleading very serious.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's my thing.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm gonna take the time to get all glittered up and do the splits for you, dog, you better score a fucking touchdown, I tell you that much.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't playing around, Dante.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I said, defense, homie, do that shit.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: I hated Dante.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Dante suck.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: He was trash, man.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hated Dante.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Every time Dante was starting, I would get so mad.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as I stepped on the field, I'm like, damn, Dante's starting again.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: Shit.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh, damn.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Go, Dante, go, Dante, go.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Go, Dante, go, Dante, go, motherfucker.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dog.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm right here, homie.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's my time.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chappelle Lady.