Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 36 - Parenting the Kid in Front of You

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Ep. 36 - Parenting the Kid in Front of You · Shared Light

• Dustie & JR: Greetings all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR I am obviously JR. Sorry. I'm Dustie. Petey's looking at me from out the window. He's going like this. Yeah, welcome back. As you can see, we've got an audience today. We've moved some stuff around in our makeshift studio. And our dogs are actively staring at why we're recording today. So they are making some interesting faces and all. They're very interested in what we're saying. so just to kinda catch everybody up. Recap. Dustie is feeling better. Mm-hmm. Shoulder is not broken as bad today. Looking better. It's feeling better. you've been doing some stretching and you've been able to sleep, which is important. Yeah. But through it all, you have maintained a fairly positive attitude. seem to be in good spirits even though it did really just incapacitate you for a couple weeks there. I mean it's still not a hundred percent. You did hurt it the other day just trying to Yesterday. I don't know what I was doing. Looking for something under the kids' bed. Right. Right. Which is a good segue into our topic for today, right? We Are getting into the age of our children being preteens. Just had a child Which brings on a whole new set of challenges. we have found, which is why Dustie was looking for something in their room. So we did wanna just touch a little bit on Really, I guess the topic is understanding that your kids are going to be very different in how they receive information, in how they receive discipline, in how they navigate a lot of the uncertainty that is teenage years and pre teenage years. and kind of what that means with the new world of phones and group chats and online culture. Social media. Social media. And really just taking a look at how a lot of just blanket rules are going to be very difficult as they kind of transition into building out their own little individual personalities. How you actually navigate that stuff without creating a lot of conflict and friction Yeah. Within the home, right? Yeah. Especially I think for us because ours are so close in age. They're what, fourteen months apart, so but they're also completely opposite each other in just about every aspect. So we're hitting a point where we do have to start kinda parenting them different. Yeah. Yeah, we found that I mean, I like to be the guy that has some real firm boundaries that they both can and cannot pass. Which is I think healthy in a home, especially with kids. They need to make sure that they understand the boundaries and the expectations and the life lessons that you're trying to teach. But the flip side to that is understanding when those boundaries and situations are not upheld that I'm not going to be able to use discipline or to use those learning and coaching methods the same for each child. So which has been difficult in these first few I would say over the past, six ish months or so. Yeah. Because inherently as we grow older, I mean I I went through it, Dustie went through it, you start really just testing the the limits, you are get curious about things that you don't want to ask your parents. Yeah. And they you you start having a lot of peer influence. kids at school, friends, along with everything that they're watching or seeing online, on social media or whatever it may be. which we have done, I feel like a really good job of keeping them off of social media in essence. Yeah. I mean we don't obviously we don't let them have their own Facebooks or Instagrams or TikTok. They don't have any of that. But the other side of that is you can still have exposure, as we have found, to people you don't know through videos and YouTube and Games and a lot of the stuff that just didn't really exist a whole lot when we were kids. Yeah. And unfortunately a lot of the games that are aimed at kids playing, they all offer some sort of public chat feature. sometimes you can restrict them, sometimes you can't, but It's just a twelve year old mind. It's available, I'm gonna use it. And I'm just talking to people. they don't think it's a big deal, but well, and there's that naive aspect where you really just don't think that some of the stories and some of the situations that your parents tell you about are ever gonna happen to you. Yeah, never gonna happen to me. so we are really just crossing into this whole new threshold simultaneously with both of our kids. Right now. where we're going to start seeing more of this. And we thought it was a good opportunity to maybe discuss our approach. Maybe even get some feedback from from some folks. Yeah. some new ideas or different approaches that maybe you've used. Or that you've experienced, And we know that not everybody has children, but we've all been children. we've all been through situations in our adolescence that maybe your parents approached it different and you feel like it shaped the person that you are today. So Just a conversation surrounding that and understanding that when you're looking at this threshold that we've crossed, right, there is a trap that I know that I am susceptible to, and that is that I try and treat every situation and apply identical rules just because Of their age. Yeah. Just 'cause you think I mean in your mind it's like they're just about the same age. but like I said, they're a hundred percent opposite of each other. So what works for one does not work for the other. Right. And it really just I've had to do a lot of reflection on my approach. because, the goal for me is not necessarily to micromanage or be so strict that I'm having to watch every single situation that they're into or every single, relationship that they're looking to build. I'm not looking to be the dad that is making decisions for them and pushing them into a situation where they're just hiding things, right? So it's not about like in this instance when you're talking especially phones and social media and all that, it's not about managing the screen time for me. It's more about how do we build that trust? How do we understand that they are going to need to learn some lessons in life on their own. Yeah. so that they can, self-regulate and understand that social media is just that. It's just social media. It's not life. It's not as important as maybe we deem it to be sometimes. Yeah. Or that influence deems it to be. Right. Right. there's a lot of studies out there that show that social media is not great, especially for kids. It gives them a really poor sense of self awareness. It gives them a real Yeah. Poor sense of self appreciation. they view themselves differently. So Yeah. Yeah, and I think that it's more like for us, we're in the stage of we don't just give them automatic freedom of everything. they can't just go and do and look at and whatever they please. And It's more we're trying to build the trust of I mean, they know the safety aspect. And I think that was the most important lesson that we kind of started with, was teaching them that there is a lot of danger out there in this whole online world that they are getting access to. Right. Right. But we are obviously we're not managing every little thing that they type, but we are managing what access they have at this point, to those things because we can't just say, Okay, well here's the danger and then give a hundred percent freedom and access to everything. I'm not sure that's gonna teach them. Well, and as parents, it also it's good for us to understand How all of this exposure impacts them differently. Because And it does. I would say more naive than the other in the sense that she really just buys into a lot of the scary stuff that is online. And I not to say that it's not necessarily true, but there are some instances where you're able to look at and say, well, yeah, that's just not true. But Yeah. She takes it as true and fact and we're trying to teach her the impact of AI right now and things that may look a hundred percent real and believable, may not be because there is such technology out there like the AI and the creation of these images and videos and yeah. That's a whole nother well and then we our other one I think is naive in the fact that she feels like she is protected because she's on the internet. So she's on that other side of well I can say and do and there's not gonna be any ramifications for it. Yeah. Nobody knows my real name or but yeah. But and she's not cyberbullying or anything like that, but just some of the things that we've been able to identify in situations that have arose you're able to see the the key stark differences and just how they react. especially in regard to some of those games and things that they're playing, right? Yeah. So and again, I mean you talk about those games, you talk about and you see all over how predators use a lot of these games to lure kids in. So that I mean we're cognizant of that, which is why we really just try to limit their exposure to group chats and some of those those things. Yeah, and some things we look at and we know about like Roblox. It's just not even a a thing in our house. They know like you cannot have Roblox because we are educated on that game and you know everything surrounding it. and it's just not something that we're willing to give them access to, whether we restrict chatting or not. it's just not an option and they'll ask sometimes, like, can maybe we get it now? Nope. It's just not an option. Right. So some things we are more of a hard line on, and that is one of But also It's been really interesting to see For me, some of the negative impacts on their self perception, particularly my little one, in how she is negatively affected when something happens or she reads something or sees something online that affects her mood or her attitude or whatever it may be at home, that's generally the point in time when we are a little bit more diligent and trying to understand Especially with her, like what the issue is, right? Yeah. And she for me anyway, I can usually tell right away. her she does struggle with anxiety and some depression. and so she can automatically switch into that and I know, okay, what's going on? Like what did you watch, what did you see? and it's always something that she has seen online or that maybe her sister has talked about that she watched or saw that was scary or she thinks it's real that it's you know aliens are coming or just a lot of that stuff that people talk about. but right away I know because her mood instantly flips or she's in her room in the dark, doesn't want to come out, doesn't want to talk to anybody, and that's how I know. and that has helped us, I think, too, just kind of that's her red flag of okay, maybe we need to buckle down a little bit more on access to things that her older sister has access to, because she is opposite and she knows those things. A lot of them are not real. So it doesn't impact her that way. I mean I feel like she's more skeptical of everything she reads online just because of AI and everything that's going on. So she really just does not believe any of it, which is the opposite of our child that does kind of believe all of it. But you see the cons on both ends of that. Yes. Because she doesn't believe in any of it. She doesn't think that she is susceptible to falling trapped to any of those situations. Yeah. And but but there's also a downside to to that part because then She is starting to learn that I mean I think she views it as this is also how my little sister looks at it too. So I can talk to her about it and I can show her and I can put all this stuff in her head and she's starting to learn now, I can't do that because it does freak her out or it does impact her. And she's not gonna react to it the same way I do. So I think they have also had a lot of learning in this. Yeah. And not just us as the parents. Well, in in creating some ground rules and doing some setting expectations around especially like her phones and and some of the things that they're trying to do. We really had to manage how we implement rules. Between the two. because Again, one child is gonna react like, it's not a big deal, whatever. The other one is taking it like, my god, it's the end of the world because I'm being punished. Yeah. What did I do wrong? What did I do like I'm a horrible person. Right. And she really internalizes it that way. Yeah. So it's It's a hard dynamic. that I think as parents I imagine most people go through when they have multiple kids in the house. your kids are never gonna be exactly the same. They're never gonna have the same personality, the same demeanor at that. Yeah. and my girls where they are so close in age, we did think that they would be similar. They would be similar, but they I mean it's not at all. Nope. But the other side with having to navigate that is you do get into situations where, well, now I'm not able to do this, but sister is able to do this and it's not fair. Yeah. That's not fair. Why does she get to and I don't? Right. Mm-hmm. So And that's hard to understand at eleven and twelve. It's hard to grasp like we do that well, that's because you can handle it maybe and she can't, or that's because she knows that it's not real and you don't, or it's hard it's hard to grasp that. It's hard to divide when you're that age. That fair doesn't always mean identical treatment. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I mean not even talking about screen time. You look at you have two kids and one of them breaks a rule and the other one doesn't, you're not gonna punish both of them. Which is again, something that not that I've ever punished both of them because one of them did something. Usually they're both up to something but in kahootz with each other. But it's why I've really had to take a step back and look at, my approach as well. Because I can talk to one a certain way and just have an open conversation one with one a certain way. And that's fair in her mind. But my other child, it is not fair for me to talk to her that way. I have to use a totally different approach. And sometimes they don't see that. I am tailoring the approach to their level of self and where they are. They're emotional. Yeah. Right. Yeah, because and I think I mean that's not just in parenting, it's also in your marriage or any relationship really is how they also perceive the tone that you use. because our little one is me. She picks up on a shift in tone. in people's voices or, the way that they say something. and I do that as well. But at the same time I've caught myself not adjusting my my tone when I, talk to her about things or especially if it's something that it's like we've already talked about this ten, eleven, twelve times. like why are we doing this again? But if I don't approach it in a way that she can receive it and nine times out of ten I haven't And that's why we're talking about it for a thirteenth time. but that goes back even like you said towards some of the challenges that we've talked through in just marriage, right? So actively understanding what that communication looks like for your partner. But when you're a parent, you've also got to figure out that dynamic for your children because the communication is not gonna be the same. No. for one child or the other. They're going to perceive things differently. they may have the same exact experiences up to that point, but they have perceived them differently. we find that all the time with our kids. Yeah. So that is to say that our approach is significantly changing in how we approach Not just conversation and communication, but in how we show and build trust. Mm-hmm. because we have to be able to trust our kids. We have to be able to trust that Yeah. I mean, we trust that they're going to make sound decisions, but we also are cognizant of the fact that we have to trust them to make stupid decisions because that's how they're gonna learn. Yeah. And that's the hardest for me. Because I want to just it's really hard for me to watch them make the wrong choice and have to learn those lessons. that's been the hardest for me. I know they need it. But but we have started small. a few weeks ago they made some poor decisions surrounding an app they both enjoy. And I mean they both got punished, essentially. They were both removed. And since then one has taken it again, not very nonchalantly. And the other has been a little bit more affected by it. Yeah. So as parents, we decided yesterday, okay, well, we're gonna give you guys the opportunity to earn some of that back. But these are the very specific guidelines of being on this app and if you Basically color outside those lines like it's gone for good. We're never gonna try this again. Yeah. So we have to understand that they're going to push some boundaries and I very much know that they're going to push this boundary a little bit. They will But almost positive that they will. It is still I mean, if this is the worst thing that we have to think about at age twelve right now, like I said, I was doing Yeah. Really bad things at age twelve already. Yeah. I'm pretty sure My mom and dad were chasing me around at probably like two or three in the morning behind a vehicle that I was in. Yeah. With a my friends and some guys and at two in the morning or something. It's it's one of those things where I I mean I have to Yeah. I also have to understand that the times are different. I have to understand that part of my instinct is Because I know what I was doing. Yeah. And my kids are not the same. It's a different time. There's a different set of challenges that they're going to have to live through. Yeah. And it is my responsibility as a parent to make them capable to be able to face that adversity on their own when they're adults. Yeah, and I think that's that's hard for me because these are lessons that they need. I mean, we can't just restrict all access to all of everything online, phones, everything, because as soon as they are of age to do what they want, they're just gonna go buckwild with it, And they won't know the safety of it. They won't know the things that are like, probably shouldn't do that because of this or and so I think that's the hardest is we have to teach them now and start teaching them these lessons. For me, because I am a worst case scenario person, it's a hard balance in my mind because I'm not willing to give them that a lot of that excess because of their age and their maturity level. but I know that they need to learn at the same time 'cause they're not just gonna take us for our word. I mean, that would be amazing. If kids did that with their parents, like, yep, that's what mom said, that's what goes. Well, and you're starting to come to the point where they're starting to see like you you said, there's a lot of outside influence and they see and perceive what their friends are telling them about how their parents handle situations and how their, families navigate things and the access that they have and the things that they're able to do that, our kids aren't able to do and and it creates more conflict and it creates more friction, but at the same time, it allows us to push back a little bit on learning opportunities. Yeah. I mean this is why we do things and this is maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong. But at the end of the day, we're your parents. Yeah. And that's a hard one too because when you add in peer influence and things There's a lot of, well, this person's mom lets them do this, but their dad doesn't, or their dad lets them do all this stuff and their mom doesn't. And I think that's why it's important that we as parents personally for us, we're aligned on what we're teaching, what we're doing, because they can't just come to Dad and he say nope, absolutely not and then be like, Well, I'm gonna go to mom 'cause I know she's gonna say yes. Yeah. Yeah. So we have found And of course we you touch on our communication and the things that we do, but we're very aligned on how we parent our kids. especially when one of us makes a decision, it's a real quick even if it's a text 'cause we're not in the same room or we're not one's home and one's not, it's a real quick, Hey, I told the kids this. Yeah. And even though you might not agree with it in the moment, it's like, okay. And then we can talk about it. They've gotta have their reason. I don't ever question why you make a decision or I may not agree with it, like you said, but we will always talk about it 'cause you'll always have a reasoning behind why and vice versa. And sometimes we're able to see the other person's perspective and maybe modify it a little bit. Like, hey, well, I made this decision. And it's not bad to go back to make a decision in the moment and then come back to your kids and say, Hey, I'm I'm changing it just a little bit. Yeah. I talked to your mom and we decided this. Or I talked to your dad and we decided this. Right. Yeah. but really being able to understand that as parents, especially, even if you're co parenting, I would say, I would offer that you probably should be aligned in what you're able to allow and not allow with your with your children, right? Now, sometimes I understand that that's going to be challenging because there's a reason that you're co-parenting. Yeah. and your views may not align for whatever reason. But ultimately it should be a matter of like for us, we're having conversations separate Not in front of the kids, that have zero to do with they don't need to know why we make the decisions that we make. I mean, they will eventually, but they don't need to know how we're staying aligned and how we always Yeah are on the same page. Mm-hmm. So we generally Will talk about it. Like I said, send a quick text. Hey, I made this decision and talk about it later. But it is really to avoid that mom versus dad dynamic that can happen in a lot of Yeah, our kids don't really do that. Well, and our kids I think don't do that in part because we have since the very beginning when we started parenting, we've always been very aligned in Yeah. How we want to approach parenting, number one. our values are very similar, number two, but also Like I can be pretty strict and I know that I can be pretty strict, but I'm also cognizant of the fact that I can be strict. So I have to take your feedback and I have to be able to openly understand that if you make a decision, there's a reason for it. And vice versa. Like if I make a decision, there's a reason for it. And I think that's where the challenge is in some parenting, because dad may not know the reason that mom made the decision and they might not have communicated that hey, mom already made that decision and then that causes friction later because then it's hey, I told yeah, you know, Suzy Q that they couldn't go to the movies and then you took them to the movies. Like what the heck? Yeah, and that just causes conflict between the parents, but it also causes confusion with the child. And it goes both ways with us because I'm very opposite in the discipline part and I'm pretty like, okay. if they get emotional so it's a good balance I think for us that we're both one way or the other because we can find that middle ground for our kids. And I think that has established a pretty good standard for our kids that they know obviously they know, well they can't just go to me and then if dad says no or they know either way. If I ask dad and it's a no, well then that's a no. Or if I ask mom and it's a no, okay, well it's a no. but I think that's because of what we've been able to do behind closed doors of establishing and getting to that middle ground between my emotional I Attachment, I guess. and not wanting to discipline, and you're well I also don't want to get the listeners thinking that like my kids know who they can and can't go to for things. Yeah. Like they know if something is really bad, they're gonna go talk to mom. Because mom's gonna calm dad down before they get last night. Right. Right. And also They know that if they ask Dad for something He's probably gonna say yes if it's not anything that is dangerous or so even though we have that conversation there's still that dynamic with any parent. Well they know who they can go to for certain things. Right, they're gonna know they know that dad's strict. And they know that if they do something that dad doesn't agree with, dad is going to let them know real fast. So they're gonna tell mom. But again, they know if mom is upset or mom is not wanting to take them out to eat or whatever it may be, right? they know they can go to dad. Yeah. Because dad spoils them and he's not gonna necessarily say no all the time. That's also not a bad thing in the sense that we're both gonna create safety for them in different ways. Mm-hmm. And you need to be able to have that dynamic with your kids. I mean, we're both open doors for them. it depends on what it is. it's like you have at work, you have an open door policy, with your team or whatever. Our kids we have an open door policy as well. And they know that it's just depending on what it is on who they go to. Right. If it's more, things that revolve around personal things or emotional things or they have questions about girl things or growing up things. It's always gonna be me. They're not gonna come to you for that. but if it's like you said, things that they want or things that they want to do or ideas about things. they're pretty good about going to you on those things. and that's probably because I'm a worrier so it's like we can't ask mom that right now because she's probably gonna think of every worst case scenario when it comes to doing that activity or going to this place. Right. And I'm probably gonna be the one that's like, well, we need to let them at least try to Try it, yeah. I mean, not that I'm any less worried, but I also know that my job as a dad is to Not shield them from the world, but help them navigate the world. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Where I think moms more how do I protect them and how do I which I am too, but that protection also includes them learning to understand and protect themselves to a point. But again, it really is about that creating safety in different manners, but it's a very well rounded sort of a way that they know where each of our strengths lie and but even then if it's something that I usually say yes to and mom has already said no, like, sorry, your mom said no. But it's one of those interesting life lessens, I guess, as we get older and as our kids get older, that we're really just starting to Try and navigate without putting so much of our own bias into, I feel like. Because I am very biased by the fact that again, I know where I started my journey through a lot of the darkness and I always learn things the hard way. Yeah. Like in a lot of situations. I'm very dumb in that sense that I'm gonna try it and see and I know that there's consequences and sometimes you think you're not gonna have to face those consequences. Yeah. And the younger you are, the more Indestructible you feel I feel. Mm hmm. So Yeah. I think our oldest is a lot like you in that aspect. she's like we said we're starting to see that she's thinks that she is invisible behind the screen or and don't think she likes consequences of her, things that she has to learn, but I don't think she's afraid of them at the same time. So that's a little scary for me. and our youngest is very worried about Maybe not the consequence, but she is very worried about our reaction to the things that she's done or if we're gonna freak out over this and so I feel like especially with the phones and the online stuff, I mean, like we said earlier, we have to approach those differently between the two. Yeah. I mean, you need to be able to create As we mentioned, that safe space where they have the ability to come and have some of those shame free conversations, which you had one yesterday with our daughter. Yes. And I've chosen to leave it alone because I know that that's just going to impact it in a negative way that's not going to be useful to anybody. Yeah. but she knows that we've talked about it. She knows that I mean she knew as soon as you talked about it. what my reaction was likely going to be. Mm-hmm. Yeah. she's just learning a lot of this stuff. I don't wanna say slower, but she She has more of an emotional investment in learning these hard lessons the hard way. I mean there's some of that. There's also I think the dynamic of She very much unlike my oldest Has not figured out her place in the world yet. Mm-hmm. And a lot of that uncertainty is causing her. To do things. without necessarily thinking about what consequences may come of it. Because she so much wants to know what her place is. Mm-hmm. Yeah, she's trying to find kind of I mean you're not gonna find who you are exactly at eleven, but our oldest has kind of found herself with some friends and the music that she likes and the clothes that she wants to wear and you know how she wants to feel like herself in what she wears and what she does and what she listens to and and our youngest has not found that yet. She is trying to and I but I think she also has a lot of that influence, from her older sister. and so she tries things and then but i it's not really doesn't really fit, when it comes to the music or the clothing or, just representing herself, her hair. so she's she's still Struggling with that and trying to figure out her place, like you said. Well, and I think and a huge impact on that was that I think she was starting to feel like she was finding her place in her groove and then everything happened with her so called friends. Yeah. So that was highly damaging. Yeah. Right. So and now I mean, she's terrified to go to school. We're doing home school, but that also doesn't offer her the opportunity to meet really just meet people and socialize and help herself integrate. Because one of the comments that she has made pretty consistently is Why am I so weird? Or why am I so this or why am I so that? Right. And as a parent, you tell her like you're You're not weird, you're fine. You're that's you know, you are who you are. But it's different because you don't have some of that acceptance that you get at that age from friend groups and the people that you interact with and the people that you meet. Yeah. And I think that right now she's in a like a transition period. I know that she'll get. there she'll get to a place where she'll want to be back at school in that environment and right now she's still hesitant and she's still I mean she's done a lot better than a few months ago. I mean she's a totally different kid than a few months ago. She's she's constantly out. But but even mentioning it now, she's not ready. She's not ready to put herself back in that. And that's fine. This is a transition period, like I told her, of we are going to get more comfortable with who you are and build that up for you. Build that up for her self esteem and finding the things that make her herself and loving herself. before she's back in that environment that kind of shattered all that for her. Well, and I do feel like her sister has helped in that aspect and she has gotten Yeah. I mean, she's still big sister and does a lot of the things that a big sister is going to do to a little sister. but she also has recognized that like she needs this. Like she needs this relationship. She needs somebody. And they've gotten I mean tight. Yeah. And again, it's totally night and day from where we were of you know, six months, three months, whatever it was ago, where she's actively out and does not want to be in her room constantly and does not I mean, almost to the point where it's driving me insane now because she's out there taking over our TV. Yeah, cracking jokes and and I mean she's being herself, which is great to see. and warms my heart because I do see my kid coming back. But the other side of that is she's still an eleven year old that is driving dad crazy. And but that's the fun dynamic of being a parent is that you get to see that growth and that just light that she radiates to everyone that she's around. Yeah. And a lot of that is done, and I do apologize if you hear our dog barking. I don't know what what they're doing out there, but Who knows? but A lot of that I think can be tied back to not just our intentionality with how we approached it, but also in You have to be willing to model the behavior that you're after. Mm-hmm. And we fall into traps and can fall into traps where we're just like I get locked in on homework and I'm in the room and I'm not talking to anybody. you know, when Dustie's struggling, she has a tendency to lock herself in a room and try to escape the world and And shut down. I mean and so that's In this transition, I have found that we have both been more intentional about not doing that. Mm-hmm. To really help mirror what we're after from from our kids. And both of our kids are out there constantly now. Yeah. So it's kind of back to how we've always been. I read a thing the other day about what is it? Living room kids or bedroom kids or something. I don't remember the exact thing about it. But basically it was about how you raise your kids or how you were raised. were you always shushed out of the room? Go to your room, go find something to do, go away basically, or was there always like an open invitation and you just that was also your space. The whole house is your space. The living room is your No I was you didn't have to get away from your parents. I was definitely a a go away kid. Yeah. And go play outside, go play in the room. I mean, we were where our parents were. You know what I mean? Like they weren't getting rid of us. And so and that actually, it makes a lot of sense to when you become an adult and how you approach things or how you view relationships and I mean it just it talks about it can have such an impact on you in a good and a bad way. You know, there's pros and cons to everything. But our kids are definitely they've always been living room kids. Like their whole house is just their space. It's not just their bedroom. But my daughter did actually call me on that the other day when I called this my house. I mean she was like your house. This is our house. and and that stopped for a while. They wanted to just be in their rooms and they wanted to kind of shelter away and and hide out, kinda like we do when we are focused or we want to mentally shut down. But we're back to being, you know, a living room household. Which I love. I mean that's that's just us. Well and again, it takes some of that you have to as a parent, especially and as the adult. mirror that to your kids. Because if again, if and we were locked in for months where we were in the room, you know, working on the business, working on websites, working on the podcast, working on school, working on I mean, we were like really in yeah. To what we were doing. And they were in their rooms. And they were in their rooms. Yeah. Into what you know, whatever they're doing. And, our youngest was struggling at that time and Yeah, it was an awakening, I think, for all four of us in this house that we all needed. us as parents too, not just our kids. But it really does just help you Understand the complex dynamics to parenting because as a parent, your kids are going to emulate what you do in life. They're going to whether you want to believe it or not, they're going to emulate the relationships that you're in. They're going to emulate the parenting styles that you use. They're going to emulate some of your bad habits, some of your approaches to stress, which that's a big one for us, right? Is that when we stress out, we shut down and we get away from it. Like everybody. Mm-hmm. And you don't realize at least we didn't, how that impacts your kids. Yeah. And what cues they take from that and how they internalize that. And those are lessons that you're teaching without knowing that you're teaching them those lessons. Yeah. Like I can look back at our relationship. And see a lot of parallels with maybe not in our communication style, but in how we value our marriage the way my parents did. And I mean, the way my dad adored my mom, right? And still adores my mom, even though she's gone, but and then our parenting styles again, I'm very much like and can be very much like my dad was with me as a kid and the way my mom was. at points where she was very blunt and very direct, which I can fault myself for from time to time with my kids. But those are all lessons that I learned that you don't think about, I mean what else do you have it to compare it to, right? That's the only tangible evidence of or example that you have in your life of what is a relationship supposed to look like. What is parenting supposed to look like? What is discipline supposed to look like? I think that's why a lot of families, especially older families, got into that, trap of, hitting and spanking and really just that whole dynamic. And You leave impressions on your kids, I guess, is the what I'm trying to get at that you don't necessarily always realize. Realize or want to take credit for. Yeah. And in some of the situations that we've had recently, pertaining to phones and social media. Yeah. Again, it's a different world than I what I grew up in. But a lot of the the long term lessons that we have to teach can still be taken from the situations that they're getting into. Yeah. So I would say and I would recommend to all parents that it's probably good to we have found that it's probably really good to at least audit what your kids are doing in tech. whether that's online, whether it's just the games that they're playing, whether it's some of the the websites that they're looking on or Yeah. I mean it's not just the conversations they may be having it's also what are they looking at? What are they looking up? What are they curious about? Because maybe that's something that you need to have a conversation with them and not have them looking it up online or learning about it online. Right. You know, you can learn a a lot about what your kids are curious about or want or need, just by, kind of auditing where they're at emotionally and by their phones Yeah, and outside of And there I mean everybody's got a phone now, I feel like. Mm-hmm. And I mean my kids are young. and I will take full credit for my kids being iPad kids because they had iPads when they were little. They do. and they're pretty tech savvy. We've always been really good about knowing and understanding what they're into. Yeah. but it does get harder as they get older and get Again, you start getting to that age, you start learning some things and Yep. Really learning how you're going to try and get away with things. Well, and your interests change. You're not just playing the learning games You're wanting to research and look and you want to look at the YouTube and the reels and the shorts and the So yeah. So just kinda audit. Yeah. I mean it's it's good for you to audit what your kids are doing in tech. again, whatever that looks like. I know everybody's definition of tech is going to be a little bit different, but it's good for you to have a keen awareness that they are going to be exposed, whether you think they are not, they are going to be exposed to things that are completely out of your control. number two, something that's been helping with us especially, is you know, having like one on one check ins or Yeah. We have we we like to call them family meetings. Yeah, we have family meetings. and a lot of it now is kind of centered around like how you're feeling, especially when you bring tech into it, How does that make you feel? The things that you're watching, is it you know, is it making you feel good? Those videos you're watching or the shows that you're watching, or does it make you feel depressed and down and scared? and leave that conversation open with them, I think, has been important for us. just seeing or knowing how they feel about different things that they're watching and having that conversation of, hey, maybe like maybe we shouldn't be watching things that make us feel scared or not being able to go to sleep at night or make us anxious about it We should probably fill our minds with the time that we have on our screens with happy and educational or things that are interesting to us. Yeah. That we can learn from. Yeah. And then I mean, really for us, that's the one time I would say that we're tech free. Yeah. I know a lot of people lean on like making dinner tech free. And for the most part Dustie and I do. Yeah. Because we have conversations. But And the kids actually more lately have been interacting. But it's not something that we enforce. Yeah, that we've enforced to the point of like, you have to talk to us. Because I also know as a preteen especially, you don't always wanna talk to your parents. Yeah. And that's okay. And I shouldn't make them feel forced to talk to us about things. but they do know when it's time to put the phones away and we need to have a conversation. And I mean we do. Yeah. or if we're you know we're out in a restaurant or out with grandma and grandpa or we'll tell like put the phones away. Like we're out with our family, we're being in the moment and They're pretty good about that. Yeah. So I mean it is good to have those those prioritized times where there's no tech, but it needs to really be individualized for what works for you and your family. Because it's really easy for us to make a blanket statement of, you shouldn't have tech at dinner, but at the same time, Dinner time is different for everybody. we still have dinner time together. Yeah. And we're talking and the kids are talking or are looking at reels on their phone. Yeah, or s or sometimes I'll actually see a reel and share with everybody and then we're all kind of laughing about it or discussing So I mean really I think the biggest takeaway that I can lean towards throughout our conversation really is just understanding that Parenthood is an ever changing dynamic. as we transition from our kids being little girls, and I'm always gonna see them as my little girls, but I do know that they are becoming more individualized and I mean they're becoming little people with their own thoughts, their own beliefs. They're gonna have their own values, their own ideals. as a parent, it's not up to you To enforce your values on them and ideals. It is really about guiding them and helping them understand what good morals and good values and good ideals are so that they can make the choice to be good people. because ultimately the one thing that is ever present, regardless of whatever situation. you're in is you have the choice to react and deal with whatever is coming your way however you choose to deal with it. you can choose to look at things from very negative perspective. You can choose to value things that are maybe superficial. which I think social media has a real driving force to get people to to really value things that are superficial. but as parents we should really be teaching and helping our kids towards understanding what is really of value. And I think you do that a lot through the demonstrations that you show and how you show up for them as parents and and understand that, you should be striving to To help mentor. adults that are gonna be successful. Yeah. With that said, hopefully you took something from this conversation. I do want to just remind everybody that we do have our website, www.sharedlightpodcast.com We do have a shop tab. We do have a way to get in touch with us. again, if you feel the need and you have some feedback, get in touch with us via the website on all social media channels. we're active pretty much everywhere, I would say. Yep. then yeah. I do wish you all a blessed week and please continue sharing your light.