Latest / We Are For Good Podcast - The Podcast for Nonprofits / 175. "Do I Have Permission to Take Over?" - Becky's Mental Health Story - Becky Endicott, CFRE

Transcript

175. "Do I Have Permission to Take Over?" - Becky's Mental Health Story - Becky Endicott, CFRE · We Are For Good Podcast - The Podcast for Nonprofits

• 0:01
  Jonathan McCoy: Welcome to Mental Health Week presented by give butter this week or pressing pause on the normal schedule to bring you five episodes that explore mental health in the nonprofit sector. We believe the topic may be one of the most silent, debilitating and dangerous threats of our sector today if left unaddressed, and let's face it, it's just not talked about enough. So all week, you can tune in and hear personal stories and wise counsel and resources to offer hope. And whatever struggle you or a loved one may be facing. Know this, you're not alone. Be sure to visit our full landing page with resources and more at weird forget comm slash mental health. We're starting the week off with a story that's really close to home. But he's going to share her personal mental health journey. And we didn't time this intentionally. But today also happens to be your birthday. Happy birthday be We're so glad you're here. Hey, I'm john. And I'm Becky. And this is the we are for good podcast.
• 0:54
  Becky Endicott: nonprofits are faced with more challenges to accomplish their missions and the growing pressure to do more, raise more and be more for the causes that improve our world.
• 1:03
  Jonathan McCoy: We're here to learn with you from some of the best in the industry, bringing the most innovative ideas, inspirational stories, all to create an impact uprising.
• 1:11
  Becky Endicott: So welcome to the good community. We're nonprofit professionals, philanthropist, world changers and rabid fans who are striving to bring a little more goodness into the world.
• 1:22
  Jonathan McCoy: So let's get started.
• 1:24
  Becky Endicott: Hi, Becky. Welcome, everybody.
• 1:27
  Jonathan McCoy: So we're here for a really good conversation that we've been wanting to have for a long time on the podcast,
• 1:32
  Becky Endicott: it's a Mental Health Week, and why we are not talking about mental health, just consistently in our sector is beyond us. And we thought we're gonna change the narrative on that, and we're gonna dive headfirst into it.
• 1:45
  Jonathan McCoy: So today we're turning the tables and talking to our friend Becky here who truly is just a lover of humanity, she loves to see people and show up for people in her life. And so I want to just create space for you to know what Becky was like a few years ago, because I've had the honor of knowing you for 15 years, we were just reflecting over this over lunch. I'm already super uncomfortable, but keep going. It's gonna be awesome. Last season, we did get to know us. So if you want to really hear a lot of Becky's funny stories, and kind of all these kind of random things that she's done cool things she's done, go back and listen to that. But today, we want to really focus on a part of her story that was happening under the surface. For those of us even close to her during a really kind of intense time of life. And Becky's such a vulnerable person that I really appreciate that you've opened yourself up and brought us into your story. Because knowing you and watching you and working for you and alongside you, I've always looked up to you. And I've always thought that you are incredible at what you do. You have an incredible ability to love and care for people that is beyond what normal people have the capacity for. And she just shows up in that way. And so if you knew Becky, I would have called her an achiever. I mean, she had, she was running a department in her early 20s. She was building out a department she ran the state's largest fundraising campaigns and marketing and billion dollar campaign in her 20s building the team for that getting recruited to go places, carving out a path. I mean, this is the person that everybody wanted on their team, everybody want to be friends with. And then you've got the personal aspect that she would just show up for people so especially working at a hospital Foundation, that he'd be on our phone, taking care of people calling to get make sure they're cared for making sure that they're seeing the best possible specialist and taking on everybody's burdens. But it's like this kind of impossible person is in front of us and that we all know and love that can make us all laugh in an instant. And it's like she had it all together her family had grown her daughters are beautiful. Kyle's like Mr. America, you know, does it all mister renaissance man, like they just have their life together, people she's vibrant and a delight to be around. And not that that wasn't true. It was just it came to a head like a breaking point. And so today, I want to, you know, invite you to tell us kind of what was happening and let's let's go into your story. And I
• 4:10
  Becky Endicott: think people like I, I'm very open about it. And I'm going to take you back and you probably don't remember saying this to me. But I have this little phrase that I when I talk about the season of my life that I talk about, it's the time that I lost my marbles and I keep it really light. But it was a total and complete breakdown, mental health crisis and breakdown. But I remember you kind of at the tail end of it, looking at me one day in the office and saying, someday you're going to tell this story. I don't know where you're going to tell it on social media, but you're going to tell the story. And it's going to, it's going to make people stop and think because they think that you have your life completely together. And you're going to set him straight and I remember john, like immediately and I'm very open about every part of my life. I remember the trepidation of oh my gosh, I don't know that that's ever gonna happen. And, and the, the stigma associated with mental health crises is so real. And it took me probably nine months before I was like, Oh, I should totally talk about this. And the benefits that I didn't realize I got from selfishly, you know, when I shared with other people, like helped me kind of grow out of it. So yeah, where do you guys want me to start with this?
• 5:30
  Jonathan McCoy: I mean, just take us back, you know, I kind of set the stage like bigger picture. But, you know, we were working in the health care Foundation, I know, we were both studying for the CFR. Gosh, that which story honestly, was stressful, we hadn't taken a test in 15 years. So height of a campaign, yeah, there's a lot going on, like set the tone of like, what was going on in life, and not just work. I mean, just what was life like, at that time,
• 5:52
  Becky Endicott: I just think most people who are listening right now are going to identify with this, I mean, if you are a professional, if you have a family, you are just trying to juggle all the balls all the time. And you know, I have a heart for managers in this situation, because you not only take care of your family at home, you take care of your family at work. And in that season of life, we just, you know, we have a lot going on, we were in the middle, ironically, of a nearly $50 million campaign to build a mental health and addiction recovery center. So let's talk about the irony of me losing my marbles and having a mental health crisis, while I'm spending years truly years talking to hundreds of people about this thing that they had been quietly keeping inside them, which is the fact that they have an addict in their family, or that someone is battling some sort of mental health crisis. And I am sitting across from people, and I am watching how isolated they are. And I'm watching how community is not a part of this at all. And I'm questioning all of it, because I'm thinking, this is a disease, this is a brain disease, this is no different than if your mom has breast cancer or if your dad's on dialysis, you know, we would bring casseroles to you in those moments. And it's like, we don't even ask people because we don't know how to talk about it. And people are embarrassed to talk about it, because they think that it's tethered to a moral failing people, there is nothing that is morally inept. Wrong, this is just a chemical part of what is happening in our brain that is a part of, you know, a makeup of what's happening all around us. And so I'm trying to be Mom, I'm trying to give my husband you know, time so we can have time together, we are running this campaign. It's incredibly intense. We're studying for the cfre. And this was in 2018, late 2018. And I just started not to feel well, and I and I couldn't even really pinpoint and I wonder how many people you know are understanding that there are some discomfort and knowing that something is wrong, but you don't know what it is it didn't feel massively serious, but I knew something was off I started this routine with my primary care physician and we just started running through the tests artists, you know, you how it starts out very simple blood work and then you start to move into the things you know, because when something's wrong, you immediately go to I have a brain tumor, nope, didn't have a brain tumor. Web MD I know don't do not diagnose Google yourself until like a brain cancer diagnosis. So ruled out ms rolled out brain tumors and all the things and I remember about six months, and we just weren't making any headway. And my physician looked at me and she said, you know, do you have anxiety in my response, because I'm just I'm very type A, I am a big multitasker. I pile everything on and I'm somehow able to just manage a lot of things at one time, and I kind of brushed her off and said, Well, of course I have anxiety. Everybody has anxiety. You know, I'm a mom and I'm involved in my community. And I have all these activities. And I remember her saying maybe we should just give you like, something like a low dosage of something to take the edge off. And I was like, I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to do that moved on. Well, fast forward about four. Four weeks later, I was sitting at home on a Sunday. hadn't been feeling well. Just something was building inside me and I can't even explain what it was. But I had explained to my doctor that when I laid down in bed at night, I felt like I had energy running through my body a lot through my legs up through my torso and I would equate it to I felt like I had about five espressos right before I laid down and I couldn't get calm, and I couldn't find stillness. And so we're back four weeks later, I'm sitting on the couch and I am my family's all at church. And I'm studying for the cfre and I need to put a little asterisk here and say the cfre does not make you lose Your mind, it was just happened to for me to be the last drop in the bucket that sent me over the edge and I am sitting at my house and I'm studying and we're days away from the exam and I just not feeling well at all physically Something is happening. I'm feeling very uncomfortable. And so I decided I'm going to do something that brings me a lot of joy, which will make you laugh, john, because you know that this brings me joy. I got up. I got myself some chips in case Oh, so did you make nachos could have been nachos. And I got a Diet Coke. And I grabbed one of my favorite books. And I'm like, I'm gonna take a lunch break in. I remember there was a moment where I looked down at the plate, and I was like, I hate these nachos. This Diet Coke tastes like crap. Why am I reading this book, I hate everything. And I ended up picking up the plate and everything I dumped everything out. And then I found myself in the living room, about four feet from one of the walls, I was just standing up, and I was hysterically crying. And for anyone that knows me, I'm not a big crier. I don't weep a lot. Unless it's like a military reunion video or a dog getting reunited, I'm gonna cry it those but just crying in my life. And I have I am crying like I have never cried before. And I'm shaking, and I don't know what's happening. And if you've never had a panic attack folks, and you don't know what it looks like, and you don't know what the symptoms are. It's a very, very scary thing to endure. And so I recognize that I'm in crisis, but I'm in enneagram. To this, this is what I know now. And Julie, what is the worst thing? What is the thing we cannot do ever ask for help. And so our recognize that we need
• 11:51
  Julie Confer: help, I think, Oh my gosh,
• 11:53
  Becky Endicott: the second one was so good. And I hadn't even thought of that. But yeah, and so I recognize that I need help. But I don't know what to do. And the logical part of my brain is being hijacked by this emotional center. That's telling me I shouldn't bother anyone. Because my husband and my kids are at church. I need to call my sister, but she's 30 minutes away at church. My parents are at church, you know, there's no neighbors around me. And so what do I do? I am hysterical. And I get on the couch and I sit crisscross applesauce. And I put my book back in my lap, and I start taking notes. And I am crying so hard. And I'm trying to mentally tell myself, I need to calm down, and I'm powering through my notes. Can we pause and talk about how messed up that is? Reading
• 12:43
  Jonathan McCoy: the fundraising textbook? Yeah, crying and taking notes. Yeah, like,
• 12:48
  Julie Confer: I'm not generalizing all enneagram twos, but i a lot of your story relates to me, Becky, and just like, I think we just power through, like, when you're overwhelmed, you're like, I'm just gonna keep going, I'm gonna keep going like, you can't recognize that you have to stop and like, take care of yourself.
• 13:02
  Jonathan McCoy: Did you think like, I've got this, like, I just need to get myself, what do you think were you thinking that you could just get over it.
• 13:09
  Becky Endicott: I was just thinking, I have got to study for this exam. And it doesn't matter what's happening. Because one, I don't want to take it again, too. I don't want to go through this again, too. It's a lot of money my companies investing in, I don't want them to have to pay for it again. And so I'm just those things are coming into my mind. And somehow they're hijacking my ability to just take care of myself. And this is something that I think a lot of people have lost. And I can tell you right away that I have I lost my ability to take care of myself. I was taking care of everybody around me. And I was not focusing on how do I find joy? How do I find stillness and peace. And so here I am on the couch, I'm crying, and I'm learning about charitable remainder unit trust. credits, the old credits, and I'm calming down for a second. And then there's just a wave. I don't know how to what to call it, but I would be reading something and I would be digesting it. And all of a sudden, a hysterical cry would come out of me. And I would like tamp it down and then I would go on and five minutes, I'd be fine. And then I would just take time and I would just cry and cry and cry. And after about 20 minutes. I remember texting. I called my husband and I and he didn't pick up because he was in church and why would he and I texted him and said something's happening. I don't know what's happening, but I need you to come home and they had planned to do some stuff after church. And so he wrote back what's happening and I was like, I don't know. And then I did the typical thing that I always do, which is deflect and I was like but I'm sure it'll be fine. So take your time, and I think I've got it and I just don't something's happening and I don't feel well. And so at that point, if you know anything about panic attacks, you have adrenaline PS, that was the espresso running through my body all the time that I wasn't aware of at the time. The nervous buzzing, is adrenaline running through you. And when you have your heart beating that fast and adrenaline going, charging through your body, it's like running a marathon. And your muscles are so tight and constricted. It's completely exhausting. And so I'm starting to get worn out. And so I, I say I set a timer, and I'm like, I'm gonna study for 25 more minutes, I'm going to get through these two chapters. And keep in mind, I'm vacillating between crying and being okay. And then after that, I went into my room, I got in the fetal position on my bed in the dark, and I just like covered up and literally went under the covers. And I stayed there. My husband came home about 20 minutes later, he, you know, like, came around me and just held me and was like, what's going on? And at this point, I'm kind of calming down. And I'm like, I don't know, I think I just got too overwhelmed. I'm still not correlating at all what is happening. And we go on a better day. And I dismiss it.
• 16:14
  Jonathan McCoy: Okay. I've heard this story before. And I don't remember that happening. The end, I thought this was when you finally had the realization you got up and like, headed out?
• 16:25
  Becky Endicott: Yeah, it was like Sunday, we like went and like, rode our bikes. And I was like, Well, that was weird. And I'm not going to go study anymore. today. I think that's my body telling me I shouldn't study anymore. That's as far as I took it. And I dismissed it. And three days later, I took the cfre you know, and completely an anxious adrenaline rush. And then two days after that, the bottom dropped out. And I had my first really big nervous breakdown. And I had a panic attack that lasted 18 hours. And that began my journey for the next 10 months.
• 16:57
  Jonathan McCoy: 18 hours. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I just think, I think of our friend, and I think of everybody that you're taking care of, in your life and your business, in the organization or your donors. And then that comes down to that you're just so you're alone in this house. And I've done that to myself. Yeah. And it's just so I don't know, it's just such a sad picture at the same time of like, what was reality there, you know, when you're there always for everybody else. But at the end of it, you're by yourself having to just process and deal with what's in front of you.
• 17:31
  Becky Endicott: And I want I want people to know the ugly side of it. I want you to know the dark side of it, because it's not pretty. And these things. What I know now, just by virtue of being in this podcast is what is the bedrock of our company, that community is everything. And the fact that I didn't want to burden anybody with that I didn't go to community was such a misstep. And I do want to talk about like the lowest point, the trigger that triggered that 18 hour panic attack of which I would have many of them for hours and hours for weeks after that. But my husband and I woke up one morning, and we're standing at our individual sinks, brushing our teeth, and I had this overwhelming sense of like foreboding, paranoia, fear scare, like, hit me. And I remember stopping mid brush and looking over at Kyle. And I said, I need you to get in the bed right now. And like wrap your body around me. And he's like very quizzical he's filming. You can like see it right now foaming at the mouth. And he's like, Can I finish? And I remember looking at him going, No, oh my god. And it was the first time ever like, I put my needs ahead of everybody else. And so I got in the bed and Kyle literally wrapped his body around me. And I cried like I've never cried before. And the moment that hope, like came back into my life was when Kyle looked at me, like when I was calming a little and he said the most beautiful and perfect sentence that could ever be uttered. And he said, Do I have your permission to take over? And it was the first time I felt like I gave someone the reins to my life. And he took my phone and he texts my entire family and he said we're having a medical crisis here. Becky's Okay, I've got her. There's nothing you need to do. But every time you check in, it's creating a stimulus that is increasing this anxiety so I'm going to need you to go dark and I will keep you apprised of what's happening when I know and so they went dark my family went dark and I and I wanted it that way I wanted everything in my life to go dark. We went to the doctor and I remember Kyle looking at my doctors saying and he I use this analogy earlier. He He was trying to explain me and my personality and my life and he just said, Becky has a bucket and people pour into the bucket and she accepts these drops into the bucket. And I think we're at the place in her life right now where the last little drip, whether it was the cfre exam, whether it was something at work, whether it was pressure of whatever, you know, probably making a kid lunch, you know, it was one drop too much and that's when I spilled and collapsed.
• 21:04
  Jonathan McCoy: Kyle to me knew the right thing to say I think is like as a husband as a friend I feel like I never know the right thing to say but like he was he was white prepared for this in his own way. What did that mean? I mean what did you think when he said that?
• 21:22
  Becky Endicott: I just think it was like everything in our relationship shifted after that. And I'm just so self sufficient. I've always been incredibly independent I self driven, but it was like I allowed him and trusted him so much to take control of all of it I mean, he canceled a trial if you know anything about an attorney like what goes into a trial on both sides he just flat out cancelled it in stayed at home and we laid in bed all day. And and yeah, I felt so much calmer with him there. And so having that's like a metaphor for finding somebody who can be your support system in the story. And people have to know this had been building for decades. I mean, I was super high achiever my whole life, you know, involved in all the things I'm high extrovert, you know, I love being around people. But it's but even high. extroverts have to find silence. We have to find stillness. Everybody needs to find a quiet place. I don't know if you can do it every day. But if you can't do it every day, it's got to be every couple days. So yeah, so that started the journey. And for nine to 10 months, we were trying to figure out what is the right chemical makeup of the right psychiatry, psychotropic drugs I need to take and I didn't know anything about this journey. And I don't even know how far we want to go into it here.
• 22:46
  Jonathan McCoy: Well, I'm in I think we can just say, you're still working. You weren't like showing up with a sabbatical at this point. Now, talk to me about the life that you were still upholding. Even facing this,
• 23:00
  Becky Endicott: I would say don't do this, what I'm about to tell you do not do this. I took one day off. And it was the day that I broke. That was the only day I've taken off. Now there was a season for like the first probably four weeks that I was kind of in this what is happening to me mode of self discovery that I would take off early, like in some of the afternoons. But the fact that I did not feel like I could take off a day. And I wouldn't put that on my employer, I would put that on me. Like, why did I feel like I had to be there every day I had days I could have taken off. I don't know. So I am grinding it out. And I am I'm trying to fundraise for this mental health campaign Plus, I have this other little $5 million burn endowment that I'm trying to wrap up at the same time. And I want to say about four months in I realized something's gonna give. And let me tell you the benefits of losing your mind people. The things that are important to you become so crystal clear, it is very strange how all these things that I thought were important. They just sort of melted away into the background. And I realized that the job was not fulfilling me. I realized I could not work in a corporate environment ever again. I'm just hardwired to be creative and risk taking and I want to chase innovation, I want to chase meaning. So I told our executive director, this is my last year here and talk to a counselor. I got a psych psychiatrist was the first time you ever had a therapist. Yeah. Yeah. And I would highly recommend to anybody, I think everybody needs a counselor, even if you are the most self aware, self possessed and healthy individual. I think everybody needs some sort of a counselor. And we decided, you know what, I have short term medical leave. And my inclination was like, well, I'll just take the least amount. So I had my therapist is rewiring my mindset at this point, saying, why would you take the least amount? Do you think you're going to get what you need at that point? With four weeks? And I was like, No, I don't. So I ended up taking three months off, which was I had my breakdown in April of 2019. And I took the first three months off of 2020. And I will tell you that the first month that I took off, I couldn't even tell you what I did. I thought I would be volunteering. I thought I would be Exercising all the time, I would just be sitting on the couch, like staring outside, petting the dog, maybe reading a book napping, like it really took a month for me to rewire my brain to find calm again, just find
• 25:50
  Jonathan McCoy: peace in every day.
• 25:52
  Julie Confer: That was the first time you like, allowed yourself to be calm and like 20 years, probably,
• 25:57
  Jonathan McCoy: you know, Becky, she doesn't sit still either. I mean, she's studying and hugging and doing all these things anyway, my gosh, it's like totally.
• 26:03
  Julie Confer: And it's not lost on me that you were still putting everyone else before yourself. You saying like I wanted to take the least amount of time off because you were worried about your team. Like, even in the midst of all of this, you were still putting people ahead of yourself, which is just very Becky. Yeah.
• 26:18
  Jonathan McCoy: But it's also damaging to how it's digging you further and deeper. Yeah.
• 26:23
  Becky Endicott: And so when I come back to work, I waited months two and three is about to say, well, months, two or three, I did start to volunteer a little. And I felt my like just volunteering was so good for me. I mean, we just did a backpack program that you know, is in our community, and we just packed all this food for kids in a, you know, disadvantaged part of our community. And I got to see the kids, I got to interact with them. And it was like, I just felt myself coming back. I was exercising more. I mean, I was still running and things but it wasn't work. So yeah, and I just I think when you have space to think things become very clear. ideas come to you. And you have to think this was six months before we launched we're for good.
• 27:13
  Jonathan McCoy: Taking a quick pause and today's combo to think our mental health week presenting sponsor give better, give better powers more than 35,000 good causes with their end to end fundraising solution. And we love it because it's completely free. Give butter powers missions around the country and those on the frontlines of D stigmatizing mental health like Nami Nevada. Throughout the pandemic quarantine and social distancing requirements were contributing to a massive increase in anxiety and depressive disorders across the state. So Nami, Nevada put together an innovative fundraiser powered by give butter to introduce the greater Nevada community to all the ways they can move forward no matter the circumstances they're dealing with. They eclipsed their goal on their crowdfunding campaign and shared how much they love Give butters ease of use and the power of its human to human connectivity to grow their impact. You can watch the full success story at the link in our show notes or learn more at get better.com Well, I mean this is not my story today this is your story but I mean we had had plans about we're for good for before this started to I mean, like beginning conversations of it. And there was just a season your things were already in the works with I mean in the background, and there was months I was truly not sure like if you if this would be part of your future or not. Yeah, and I was willing to wait as long as I needed to. But it's like I didn't want to push you but at the same time I didn't want to close the door because I could see how it was going to allow you to step into what I think is your best self you know, getting to oh my gosh, serve and this kind of different capacity.
• 28:47
  Becky Endicott: I I wanted I want to tell people this because I don't even know what it's called still I still call it my nervous breakdown. But when I lost all my marbles and I used to go into John's office and he would ask me something and I would pretend like I was picking up a marble and putting it back in my brain. So I could think again,
• 29:03
  Jonathan McCoy: which makes some of us very
• 29:06
  Becky Endicott: well but I'm like I'm you know me I'm like levity to break any situation. You're like,
• 29:11
  Jonathan McCoy: Can I laugh at this? Should I laugh? I laugh
• 29:14
  Becky Endicott: at it. But that's part of what I think makes the stigma so difficult is people don't know how to ask. And I'm here to tell you if you see somebody struggling, whether it's professionally or personally, ask them how they're doing. And know when they say I'm fine. They're not fine. Because you've seen the signals, you know enough. But it's like say, I'm concerned about you, and I love you. Let's go to coffee. Let's let's get out of this space right here. And let's go to a neutral site. And let's just chat and I had a couple people do that for me. And I felt myself open up. And I felt such a connection and kinship and care from that person. And so, you know, my encouragement to anyone listening to this is if you're the one that's struggling, please ask for help. I mean, do as I say not as I do. You know, I wish I would have done that. Find somebody to talk to you, whether it's a therapist or a friend. I cannot imagine at the depths in the darkness that I felt at some point doing that alone. And I mean I wanted to we need to talk about privilege in this situation. And I had unlimited resources. It felt like at my fingertips to deal with this. I had an I had a employer who gave me three months short term disability, I had access to EAP. So employee assistance programs, I could afford to go see a therapist, I could take off and still get paid. I mean, I had a house and a family that loved and supported me through this, all of this is privilege. There are, if you are even going through this, and you don't have even one of those things, it makes the mountain that much harder to climb. And to get over.
• 31:06
  Jonathan McCoy: Do you think I don't disagree at all with what you just said, by the way? Do you think that our sector is kind of squeezing the orange, so to speak, I mean, we are in positions as nonprofit professionals fundraisers of giving, giving, giving, and, you know, everybody has too much on their plate in this industry? Do you feel like that's contributing to this pressure cooker that we find ourselves in career wise? I mean, not that it caused it 100%. But it certainly contributed to it, don't you think?
• 31:37
  Becky Endicott: I will tell you that that question is the thing that makes me want to cry the most, because I think our sector is in a time of reckoning. And I think that this is the single biggest elephant in the room and nonprofit, the way that we take care of everybody else. And we are not taking care of ourselves. And we are not taking care of our teams. And people do not feel they have the power, the privilege or the ability to raise their hand and say, I am not well, I need help. This is too much. Because I'll tell you something that happened and I to me is when I started sharing my story with people, I had more people lean in and whisper to me, that's me too, or that happened to me. And I thought how many of us are out here suffering in silence, because we don't feel like we have either the support to talk about it, or because our industry is so hardwired to just keep piling and piling in, figure it out, and pivot and run to the next thing that we don't create space, to pause, to reflect, to support, to advocate for to resource. And I am here to say that you can count on me, Becky Endicott to go charging through this problem in our sector with a ton of force. Because I know that there are so many people out there right now who are saying, Oh, my gosh, I have some of those same physical triggers. I didn't know what they were, you know, I had to Google, what is a panic attack? You know? And is that what this is? Or is it? Am I having a seizure is this part of a stroke, I don't know what this is. And we have got to talk about it. Because, you know, there is nothing good that can come from working this out on your own. You cannot do it. Community is everything. And I believe in the humanity of people and that people want to do good. And I know that if I would have asked you and Julie for help. And this has happened in our company. I have text john and Julie, in the midst of a mental health crisis and said, You know what, I'm just having a really bad day. I'm having one of those days, and I need you to take over and what do you guys say every single time? We love you. We
• 33:59
  Jonathan McCoy: got it? Yeah.
• 34:01
  Becky Endicott: I mean, I'll say I'll even come back. And I'll do my Becky thing where I'm like, No, no, no, but I'll take these two things, I won't completely clear it. And you all are so gracious to say, we're gonna be Atlas today. And we're gonna take on our stuff. And we're going to take Becky stuff on and I had I'm still working through the guilt of that. But man, it feels good to like be able to feel safe enough to do that.
• 34:24
  Jonathan McCoy: I think it's a calling to just whatever it is you're facing you being open about it. I know because you've you know, shared just how much people gravitate and want to reach out and talk about it. That whatever it is you're facing, talking about, it truly is so good and helpful and allows other people to feel seen that are at a different point of their journey. Just so you can connect them to resources or give them advice or just say that I'm here for you like that. Yeah. So huge. Thank
• 34:53
  Becky Endicott: you. I mean, I will say something very interesting that happened was ever one of my dearest friends is like an enneagram. Coach, and we're gonna have her on for an episode. Yeah, in a couple weeks. Yeah. And she was the first one that had me take the enneagram test. I didn't want to do it. And we've all been through like a bazillion tests. And when I took it, I was an three and achiever and I remember her looking at me going, that's not you. And I was like, I've taken this sucker twice. If
• 35:19
  Jonathan McCoy: you don't know enneagram described like what an achiever mean.
• 35:22
  Becky Endicott: achiever is somebody who's just hardwired to just keep going and climbing and yes, always like pointing forward and grinding it out and they always want everything to be The best. And I remember that she said that in about three months after my like my sabbatical, I took it again. And I was a high high to help her. And once I had found my center, and once I had realized who Becky Endicott was, that she wasn't, you know, this gift officer that was working on this thing in this corporate entity, it was like, Oh, no, I, I found my true north. And I had to go through a lot of crap. To find it, it was 10 months of incredible endurance of pain of I mean, there was a time I don't know if we should share this, but I'm going to, I mean, there was a time where I wrecked my car twice to remember that and like three days of each other I and I graduate. Yeah, I say wreck, it wasn't like, I was pulling into a parking spot twice. And I hit a car, both times in the exact same place. And that's when I realized when I have panic attacks, and when I have a mental health crisis, it affects my periphery, and my vision and my depth, perfect perception. I get tired of that.
• 36:45
  Julie Confer: Oh, yeah. Just Yeah, moving so fast.
• 36:49
  Jonathan McCoy: The peripherial.
• 36:50
  Becky Endicott: Yeah, is really, there's just so many effects to it. And it made me very scared to put my children in the car for me to be in the car. And so that was the point I did the hard, let everything go, let everybody take over. And that was six months after my breakdown, my first initial breakdown. So listen to your nudges, listen to your body. And please don't go at this alone, we're sharing this, we thought it was so important to have a Mental Health Week, because this is something we should be integrating and talking about constantly. As much as we're talking about campaigns, how are we moving our donors? How are we receiving them? We have got to be integrating the phrase, how is everybody doing? period? No really, comma? How are you doing? Because we need to get into the underbelly. And people are not going to surface the thing that has stigma and shame tethered to it. And I'm here to tell you, there is no shame in this. There is no shame in this at all. When you are sick, you need a tribe of people around you to support you. We are here for it. And we have some of the most incredible mental health experts who are coming on and curating things for you this week. We are curating resources, so you don't feel alone. If you don't want to go to any of those sites and read any of the articles or the tips or the worksheets, go into the we're for good community, we're for good community.com join it, we even have a section for mental health. I want people to feel safe, that they can talk about these things and to talk about their experiences. Because we are fostering a community of people who want to support you who want to tell you Oh yeah, I have that, too. You're not alone. And I actually think the community is huge. And we have absolutely no idea. It is the iceberg. It is the underbelly of the iceberg. And I think that we can only truly heal and come out of it when we start talking about it and identify self identifying
• 38:56
  Jonathan McCoy: and understanding that it's a journey, because it's not like a day you woke up and you were better. It's just it's been a journey. And it's still a journey, it's still a journey. Do you want to talk about just kind of that period of time of just, I know, kind of going back and forth and figure out what would be beneficial to you. But I think that's encouraging just to know that you can't expect to walk in and get fit, you know something to fix it. It just doesn't work like that.
• 39:21
  Becky Endicott: I mean, even the medicine alone, you have to be on a medicine at a certain dosage for four weeks before you can figure out if it works. And let me tell you, it didn't work for me for nine months. And so you're working through that and therapy helps so much there were times I would be I would have panic attacks at night and my sleep I didn't even know that was possible. And so you wake up exhausted, you're having stress dreams, but I would go to my therapist, and in 10 minutes, she could do an exercise and she could pull me right out of that panic attack. And I remember the piece that would cover me. And it's just a really interesting thing to go through. And I will tell you, I never thought it would be me. That is such a trite phrase that I never thought this would happen to me. And every time I share this story with someone there we say, I can't believe that happened to you. You always seem like you have it together. People
• 40:15
  Jonathan McCoy: do not have the interest.
• 40:19
  Becky Endicott: And so here's some things I want to tell you all about what I learned. Definitely number one is talk to someone find find someone, anyone that you trust and allow them to hold court with you and Just listen and hold you. And if you don't want to talk, just find somebody to hold you. The other thing is alone and quiet time is essential. Everybody needs time to recharge, I had to build some boundaries into my life. My family knows now that Saturday mornings are moms. I get up, I run around the lake with my dad, I go get my Starbucks. Sorry, corporate. I do like some corporate things, apparently sorry
• 40:58
  Jonathan McCoy: to all the shops and
• 41:01
  Becky Endicott: coffee shops. But Starbucks makes the one drink that I love so much in the morning. And so and I go out on my back patio and I either read a book, listen to a book, or I have a loco sudoko that I do. It's like a crazy mashup of Sudoku. And there's something about the order of that or getting lost that is so calming to me on Saturdays
• 41:20
  Jonathan McCoy: extrovert I mean, Becky loves her some people. So I think hearing you say that also gives validity to that. Don't just hide behind your I'm about to report personality. Everybody needs every charge said.
• 41:32
  Becky Endicott: So just the last couple things is ask for help. Please ask for help. Even those that are horrible at it. People are so eager to help take time off. Okay, okay, can we take time off, you have vacation days for a reason. You have medical leave for a reason. And I literally wrote in my notes, take the damn medical leave. And do not apologize, take take whatever amount you need. It was so refueling. And I will tell you taking that leap set me up to thrive and jump into where for good, I was so clear headed. I was so confident about where I was going. It was the first time in my life, I felt like I'm genuinely Becky. And I'm discovering her. And I think I like her, we all liked and I don't know. And she was kind of there. But the real me is showing up more here. You know what I really like myself. And I'm doing a lot of work on it. And it's so healthy. So take your medical leave. If you work with an organization that has mental health resources like that Employer Assistance Programs, there's free apps like calm that you can use, I use a lot of meditation when I was in panic, I would get on YouTube, and they have guided medication meditation to get you out of your panic attack. And at the end of the day, listen to your body, listen to your body. And if there is something that doesn't feel right work to figure out what it is so much
• 43:04
  Jonathan McCoy: to unpack, and we're gonna link up resources we've talked about on this show notes, but also on our landing page for this week with Mental Health Week. Okay, something that I think you did that I think is really doesn't happen enough as you brought your girls into your story to in an age appropriate way. But I think what you did really set a tone that hopefully they grew up with a different perspective about mental health and the journey and what it looks like for Mom, where you kind of walk us through sharing with them and how you have kind of incorporated into your life.
• 43:36
  Becky Endicott: I think that stemmed from the fact that I have one child who is just hardwired just like me. And I already see her anxiety. And I've seen it since she was two, you know, and I see how she fights for justice and she wants fairness and all things and it's just not reasonable. And she pours herself into people and and she gets depleted. And so I was looking at my journey through the lens of I cannot let this happen to Julian Sophia. I cannot let them feel like they don't have the tools or the wherewithal to know what to do. So I would say about kind of toward the tail end of my leave, I would say it was probably about week 10 of my 12 week leave. I ended up checking each of my girls out individually out of school, I let them go to school. And they had no idea it was going on at 930. I went and checked him out. And definitely both asked me who died. And I and they said what are we doing? And I said we're taking a mental health day. And both of them said What is that? And I said I'm about to show you. And so I said Where do you want to go? And we went to the puppy adoption place and just played with dogs. We went to Top Golf, golf balls, we went out to lunch. Like we went and sat in a park and ate ice cream and I created a space at lunch to give them sort of a child like watered down version of what had happened to me in the last year and saying things like, do you remember when mom did this and you remember when I was kind of well, and I told him I got really sick. And the reason I got sick was because I took too much on and because I didn't take care of myself and I do a great job of taking care of you but I don't do a good job of taking care of me. And it's something I want you to focus on. And so I think it's okay, that once a year we're going to have a mental health day and I want to check You out of school. And we're going to do things that bring us joy, and connect us with our community and with other people and with each other. And we're going to go to lunch, and we're going to talk about things that are bothering us. And we have a phrase at our house that secrets make you sick. And I don't ever want my girls bottling something down and not listening to their body, not listening to their mind. And so fostering those discussions using those words, giving them the tools at a childlike level, to know how to cope when we're feeling very overwhelmed. You know, our girls, when they break out hysterically crying, which all females do, not trying to gender stereotype, but young little girls do. We always say, hey, you can cry, you can cry as much as you want, go into your room and feel your feelings. And it's okay to feel your feelings. And if you need somebody to go in with you, we'll go with you, if not just go work it out. And I've got a kid that works it out in 20 seconds, and I've got a kid that takes an hour, you know, so I think just bringing them into the journey, they were hyper aware of certain things. Sophia, my eldest is very, very protective about how much I work. She doesn't want me working all the time. She wants me getting out. And the fact that she correlated that was very interesting. And so I think so just the last thing on that is I want them to understand their worth. And one of the biggest challenges I found in this journey was I had such guilt, that, that this happened to me and that I needed to go through all of this, I felt like such a privilege person. I thought there's no reason I should be depressed. I have a great life, I earn a very livable income. My husband does very well we have a beautiful house, our children are healthy, we fought so hard to even have children, they're here. My work gives me meaning how, why would I be depressed, I have nothing but joyful things that are happening in my life, I did not feel worthy to go through it. So that was something else that I had to unwind of why do I not feel worthy to invest in myself, and that is a challenge to you out there. You are worthy to be invested in to have somebody look into your heart and your soul and understand why things are bothering you. You need to find coping mechanisms. And I think it's okay to bring your kids in because there should be no shame in this. And the way we break down the stigma is to talk about it. So I hope they are enlightened. And who knows. We'll see. We'll see what happens. But we're going to be talking about it at our house throughout their life.
• 48:12
  Jonathan McCoy: He says you're good mom.
• 48:13
  Becky Endicott: Yeah, no thanks, guys.
• 48:15
  Julie Confer: And I will say you do that for us to you make sure at work. We're implementing mental health days taking care of ourselves. And that is just the biggest blessing. So we do that you do that for your work family as well.
• 48:26
  Jonathan McCoy: Okay. Let's say you get to sit down, pull up a chair for younger Becky to sit across from you. What would you say with her?
• 48:35
  Becky Endicott: Becky? Slow your roll baby. I would you you need to find some stillness. And I will tell you I think I was on a journey from this in my 20s because I remember having an awakening one day that I did not do anything slow. Do you remember this? JOHN, we were we were This is when we were first working together. And I had this epiphany that I don't do anything slow. You
• 49:03
  Jonathan McCoy: walk fast.
• 49:04
  Becky Endicott: I walk fast. I drive fast. I talk fast. I even pee fast. I'm like get in there and get out. You know everything about me and and then I remember months later, I flipped that script a little. And I was like, What do you like to do that slow? And I thought and thought and thought and thought and I could not think and I finally landed on two things. I like to read. And I like to slow dance with my husband. And that's it. And then I mean, you can see these chapters that are coming. And then I'm like, why can't I be still. And all of this was leading up to sort of the self reflection. And so my challenge to everyone listening today is look, one in five adults had some kind of mental illness in the year in the year and I will tell you in COVID it has like probably tripled. And the stats we're looking at, especially for women during COVID. The physical and mental mental health difficulties. One in three women are having a mental illness crisis as we speak that have self identified. Can you imagine those that haven't self identified it's one in five and men. So no, this COVID quarantine pandemics, the way the shift of the world. There is a lot going on. It's a lot to absorb in your body and your mind and your heart. Find your stillness find your quiet and know you're not alone in this take care of yourself
• 50:33
  Julie Confer: and I mean I will Say I'm 25 I'm like many Becky, I've been over here like, tearing up heart racing just because I am so grateful for how Becky has shown up and shared her story because i don't i this past summer, I had the, the breakdown at the doctor's office, and I don't think I would have asked my doctor why I was feeling a certain way, if she had not, like been so open.
• 50:59
  Becky Endicott: I just, I want everybody to live their full of vibrant selves, it's in there. That's what I want people to know, your true self, your true and vibrant self is in there. I don't want the weight of the sector of this job of this world of whatever's happening in your personal life. to dim your light. I want you to unpack it. And I'm going to tell you, it is a long, dirty journey to get there. But I am I don't even think I'm out of it. If I'm honest, if I'm going to be completely honest. But even being at the place, I'm at now. the fullness of my life, the enrichment of my life, the things I've had to learn how to quiet a little bit that I can't take it all on. So I think there's some work to be done in our sector. And it begins with caring about each other. And Gosh, darn it, caring about yourself.
• 51:53
  Julie Confer: Something my therapist told me this week was We are not trying to change Julie, we're just trying to get you to learn about yourself understand boundaries, understand that empaths have skewed views of what selfish looks like and so yeah, I think everyone out there listening you're not trying to change who you are. It's just figuring out the way that you were wired asking your doctor when you feel a little funny why you feel certain ways, but you're not trying to change you you're just trying to learn about you to understand that you Becky, you stood up and have been telling your story because I I think a lot of people will have the courage to say I feel a little weird or start just actually like opening their mouth and asking for help. So I
• 52:32
  Becky Endicott: hope so. I we're just we're pulling for you guys, we say that all the time. And it is a completely authentic expression. We love who you are. We love that you pour into this industry. We love that you care about other people, care about yourself, read books, become, go on a walk, find stillness, it really does matter.
• 52:54
  Jonathan McCoy: I get nothing but just gratitude. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being so vulnerable. And thank you for being you.
• 53:02
  Becky Endicott: I am glad to be there and I will say the last thing I want to say is my email is Becky at we're for good calm I almost forgot it. I almost said Why did I pause Becky it we're for good cause space in there. And if you are someone who is struggling right now, and you don't have a person, I'm going to need you to email me or you can DM me, LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, whatever. I don't want anybody who's listening to this to feel alone. So if you don't have a person, I'm telling you that I will be your person. And I have tremendous capacity to love on you wherever you are. It is my joy to do so I will give myself a boundary audit, probably but I want everybody to have a person so if you don't have one, I will be that for you.
• 53:50
  Jonathan McCoy: Wherever you're listening to us today. Know that we're here for you. So glad you're here.
• 53:56
  Julie Confer: Hey friends, thanks so much for being here. Did you know we create a landing page for each podcast episode with helpful links, freebies and even shareable graphics. Be sure to check it out at the link in this episode's description. You probably hear it in our voices but we love connecting you with the most innovative people to help you achieve more for your mission than ever before. We'd love for you to join our good community it's free and you can think of it as the after party to each podcast episode. You can sign up today at weird for good comm backslash Hello. One more thing if you loved what you heard today, would you mind leaving us a podcast rating and review? It means the world to us in Your support helps more people find our community. Thanks friends. I'm our producer Julie Confer and our theme song is sunray by Remy Boris boom