Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Mailbag: Ages, Stages, Birthday Boxes and Cake | Ep. 39

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Mailbag: Ages, Stages, Birthday Boxes and Cake | Ep. 39 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:59
  Cheryl: Well, if we were rating this weekend, it's weather compared to what we've been having.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Does this not get an a yes, I would
• 1:08
  Christie: take this.
• 1:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:09
  Christie: All the time.
• 1:10
  Christie: I'm so
• 1:11
  Ellen: confused.
• 1:11
  Ellen: I'm waiting
• 1:12
  Christie: for winter to be here.
• 1:13
  Christie: I know it feels like we're winding summer down.
• 1:17
  Christie: I'm making me afraid.
• 1:18
  Christie: I want some more summer.
• 1:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:19
  Christie: If we could have the eighties all the time.
• 1:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:21
  Christie: And then.
• 1:22
  Christie: snow on Christmas.
• 1:24
  Christie: and it
• 1:24
  Ellen: was really cold last night.
• 1:26
  Ellen: I mean, did I know if you guys went out, but it was, it was
• 1:29
  Cheryl: chilly for almost July.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm That is why people are willing to live in California.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm okay.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm for all the things that there are in California.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Weather is.
• 1:41
  Ellen: The pretty good big
• 1:42
  Cheryl: draw.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm be good.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: All right.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: So this week we've had some feedback on the episodes first, Dr.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: Kelly Stevens interview on birthday boxes and then our recording talking about it.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Well, every time you talk about
• 1:55
  Ellen: birthday boxes, it makes me think of birthday cake and it makes me
• 1:59
  Christie: hungry.
• 2:00
  Ellen: They're shaking.
• 2:01
  Ellen: I know.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: that's why you had to have consequences.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Cause even a birthday box makes you think of things.
• 2:09
  Christie: I'm a very visual person.
• 2:10
  Christie: oh man.
• 2:11
  Christie: I could always go for a piece of birthday cake.
• 2:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:14
  Christie: Birthday cake, party, and a birthday party.
• 2:15
  Christie: I'm always up for a party.
• 2:16
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: I'm up for the party.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: I'm not a big cake person.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm oh, but I'm up for a party.
• 2:20
  Christie: Big buttercream frosting.
• 2:22
  Christie: Oh, oh, am
• 2:23
  Cheryl: yes.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Has to be really good frosting.
• 2:25
  Christie: Oh, I make a really good frosting.
• 2:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:28
  Christie: So you say, so we'll be at your house for a party next week, week.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Okay, good.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Bring it in here and we'll go on forward.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Although we don't have any other way of celebrating.
• 2:41
  Cheryl: I've got a question of moms sin us.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: That sounds.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I wanted to read some of what listeners had said and, uh, hear what your responses are to that, and then explore some of these areas.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: A little more practical or even the philosophical mm-hmm see how we apply it.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: I just thought we'd follow up with some of what they said so let's jump into that a little bit more.
• 3:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: Y'all willing.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: Sounds good.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: So one mom writes this, I really would like TPP group discuss practical ideas and examples of birthday boxes for each age range.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: I'm starting more in the middle of my parenting journey with this idea.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: And I feel like I'm kind of stuck when it comes to implementing privileges responsibilities and consequences.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: at all the different age milestones.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: I love the principle and the idea, but can y'all gimme some helpful examples for the age ranges?
• 3:35
  Cheryl: I have a six year old two and the nine to 10 age range and one preteen.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's
• 3:42
  Ellen: a lot.
• 3:42
  Ellen: And especially when you kind of change your parenting style a little bit, mm-hmm you have to give the kids.
• 3:47
  Ellen: Time to adapt to that too.
• 3:49
  Ellen: Right?
• 3:49
  Ellen: It's really, when you bring so new into the, the younger ones, it might not be a big deal, but the little bit older, if you're not used to doing it a certain way and you change it up, they're they may have some resistance.
• 4:00
  Ellen: That's
• 4:00
  Christie: good, right?
• 4:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: And she also was saying they hadn't sat down and done the map.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm like, what?
• 4:06
  Cheryl: the roadmap we've talked about.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: And so, but she wants real specifics.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: Do you think we can sit here and say yes, like they roll over 16 weeks?
• 4:17
  Cheryl: they walk at
• 4:17
  Christie: one?
• 4:18
  Christie: Well, I could send out the link that I found when my first was two years old and printed the entire internet, telling me exactly what to do when, and I printed all out and put it in a binder and I was prepared to check every box.
• 4:32
  Christie: I was just going to watch her and make sure she did every one of those things.
• 4:37
  Christie: Oh, because we
• 4:38
  Cheryl: do want that.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: in the physical world, you would be concerned if you had someone 10 years old that couldn't skip mm-hmm yeah.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: there's The range for that, but these other things.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: I think they're just personal and well, yeah.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: To your own family.
• 4:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:53
  Christie: Per child and your family's values, their temperaments mm-hmm and your temperaments.
• 4:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:58
  Christie: You know, some moms are a little more laid back about things than others.
• 5:01
  Christie: Right.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: So what would you say if we said, okay, we can't give you this.
• 5:06
  Cheryl (2): Mm, but we would share these principles.
• 5:09
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm for your conversation with your husband the two of you deciding your roadmap or what are gonna be your milestones.
• 5:16
  Cheryl (2): What would be things we would say you might consider this, and this.
• 5:20
  Christie: I love the advice somebody gave me when my kids were young to imagine the adults you're wanting them to become.
• 5:25
  Christie: Oh, and that's kind of what that.road map Is thinking of when you get to California, who do you want them to be?
• 5:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Christie: Now that's not a guarantee that you're going to get to California with these perfect adults, but the goals that you're setting for,
• 5:39
  Ellen: because you're giving them the tools, right.
• 5:41
  Ellen: We can't make them become exactly those things, but we can give them a toolbox of how to get.
• 5:47
  Ellen: To California.
• 5:48
  Christie: Right?
• 5:49
  Christie: So yeah, talking with your spouse and, and deciding what you're working towards would be a good
• 5:54
  Cheryl: first step.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: So it would be thinking about what are the character traits mm-hmm mm-hmm what are the skills we want to develop?
• 6:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and then yeah, with cuz the birthday box, isn't a daily plan, right?
• 6:07
  Cheryl: Like we get up at, at seven 30 and we do this and they wash their hands and that's not what it was about.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: We're talking about.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: Different milestones that we want'em to cross mm-hmm And so you're talking about looking way down the road.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm who do we want them to be on the coast of California, right?
• 6:24
  Cheryl: To say, well, we really care about that.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: They have, a good work ethic.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: So then we use these milestones to make sure we're Instituting mm-hmm the, the continued work towards doing it.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: So that right.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: Your 10 year old, isn't just learning to unload the dishwasher.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: You decided way back.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: I think my four year old can do the silverware, you know, and we've put those in place.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: If that's a value that y'll have,
• 6:50
  Christie: right.
• 6:51
  Christie: You take those values and then draw out.
• 6:54
  Christie: Privileges and responsibilities along the way that would feed into those and build those in your kids.
• 7:00
  Christie: And, you know, she said her kids were six, four, and 11 or something like that.
• 7:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:05
  Christie: So, you know, you could take those values and then look at those ages and say, what.
• 7:10
  Christie: Responsibilities, could I bring to these kids' lives to work towards this value?
• 7:14
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 7:15
  Christie: That's
• 7:16
  Ellen: good and just like a road trip across the country.
• 7:19
  Ellen: It's not always very exciting.
• 7:20
  Ellen: No.
• 7:21
  Ellen: You know, if you've ever done CrossCountry, it's a lot of sitting on long highway strips, just kind of going and keeping the status quo and sign up to run,
• 7:31
  Christie: say
• 7:31
  Ellen: pretier than others.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: Yes, exactly.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: And privileges are more fun give than responsibilities.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: And so I think that's.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: Dr.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: Kelly's purposes.
• 7:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm is be intentional about increasing responsibility because I've never known anyone who didn't want their children to grow out, to be adults that are responsible.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: right.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm uh, I can remember with our youngest, because we did start out like with dishwasher, setting the table, dishwasher, those kind.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Task yeah.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: In the responsibility.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: And then as you got older, you got to move vertically up in the kitchen.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so you started out.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: Silverware.
• 8:09
  Cheryl: And then you moved up in the dishwasher so then you could start putting up plates cuz you could reach them.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: And then finally glasses, which were up higher Uhhuh.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: And so that made it real convenient as our children got taller than the next one took over the next stage.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm incrementally.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: And I remember Jonathan is the youngest thing.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: Why is it someone taking over.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: All my things goes, there's nobody behind you.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: So he just moved into the new responsibilities, but he also
• 8:39
  Ellen: got things.
• 8:39
  Ellen: So the other kids didn't get certain.
• 8:41
  Ellen: They did because he was the only
• 8:42
  Christie: one left.
• 8:43
  Christie: Right.
• 8:43
  Christie: You know?
• 8:44
  Christie: Well, I've been noticing a funny thing about.
• 8:46
  Christie: You know, I did apparently a really good job handing out responsibilities because now as my kids are moving out, Those responsibilities are coming back onto me.
• 8:53
  Christie: I'm having to clean my own house again.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 8:58
  Cheryl: I'd look around.
• 8:59
  Cheryl: Who wants to clean out the.
• 9:01
  Cheryl: Garbage can in the kitchen.
• 9:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:02
  Cheryl: I mean, that was the least desired job.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: There's
• 9:06
  Christie: nobody taking that over.
• 9:07
  Christie: No, nobody volunteers for that.
• 9:09
  Ellen: That's when you decide how important is this right now?
• 9:11
  Ellen: Right?
• 9:14
  Ellen: Well, I think sometimes too, it's hard because we're all different personalities and temperaments.
• 9:19
  Ellen: And, um, my husband is, you know, very different than I am.
• 9:24
  Ellen: And, um, I, I'm probably more impulsive and more of a little bit more of a risk taker.
• 9:30
  Ellen: Mm-hmm and I remember, um, my son was probably.
• 9:35
  Ellen: Eight I think is what age he was.
• 9:37
  Ellen: And he wanted to climb this really tall tree.
• 9:41
  Ellen: And I, my philosophy was go for it.
• 9:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 9:44
  Ellen: And cuz I climbed many trees and I usually got stuck and had to cry for an adult to come get, get me.
• 9:50
  Ellen: And so he climbed to the top of this really.
• 9:53
  Ellen: Tall tree.
• 9:53
  Ellen: And my husband had just come home from work and he was upset.
• 9:56
  Ellen: He goes, I can't believe you let him call, you know, climb that tree.
• 9:59
  Ellen: If he fell out, he would've broken his arm.
• 10:01
  Ellen: I, of course I never thought of that.
• 10:03
  Ellen: I was just thinking, well, one, you have to get him down.
• 10:06
  Ellen: But also, you know, that was challenging him.
• 10:09
  Ellen: Mm-hmm to climb that tree mm-hmm well,
• 10:11
  Cheryl: and I have a tree climbing related one that kind of addresses this different ages because I can remember when I had a four year old and we had.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: Like a 20 foot tree and he just went just right up it and went, no, that's too tall for a four year old, not an eight year old.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: It'd been eight.
• 10:29
  Cheryl: I would've let him figure it out.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but so I, what are we gonna do?
• 10:33
  Cheryl: So I gave him a red cloth and I let him climb up as high as I really felt comfortable with.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: It was pretty high mm-hmm and then I let him go a couple more feet so that I'm just, okay, I'm gonna push this a little bit.
• 10:45
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:46
  Cheryl: And then I had him tie that red, Cloth up there and just said, okay, up and down as much as you want, but we're gonna stop at your stop sign.
• 10:54
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: And if we'd stayed in that house, I would've come back to it.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: I would've mm-hmm yeah.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: Would've considered in the future.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: You're older.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: You can take that cloth off and do what you want.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: Whatever.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: and so
• 11:04
  Ellen: the age has made a difference.
• 11:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:06
  Ellen: That's what your age makes a difference and then different personalities of the moms.
• 11:11
  Ellen: Mm-hmm because we're usually making those little decisions most of the time around the house, what our kids do and don't do.
• 11:17
  Christie: Right.
• 11:17
  Christie: And, and I think wisdom and insight of each parent plays a factor too.
• 11:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:21
  Christie: Because you know, we have all girls and so I have.
• 11:24
  Christie: Insight into girl world that my husband may not have and I might have more insight into a certain friend group that my husband may not have just because of, you know, conversations that happen.
• 11:35
  Christie: And, and so I think we have to talk about that together too.
• 11:38
  Christie: And, and, you know, He, he knows boys.
• 11:41
  Christie: So he might have some boundaries that he would like to implement for our girls too.
• 11:45
  Christie: And so I think it, it's good to talk about it together.
• 11:48
  Christie: That's yeah,
• 11:48
  Ellen: that's a very good point, cuz I know that was how my husband came from all boys and I came from all girls.
• 11:53
  Ellen: Oh.
• 11:54
  Ellen: So I had no ideas and I'd always said to, I said, why is he doing that?
• 11:59
  Christie: Because he's a boy,
• 12:00
  Cheryl: Tim probably says,
• 12:01
  Christie: why is she doing right.
• 12:03
  Ellen: And that, and that was cause his hand, my husband would.
• 12:05
  Ellen: Why is she crying?
• 12:08
  Christie: do I need to deal with this or just let her cry?
• 12:10
  Christie: Just let her cry.
• 12:11
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:12
  Christie: So,
• 12:13
  Cheryl: well, we got some more feedback.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: On these episodes that we posted and this one's fun.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: Let me read this one to you.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: Uh, I really appreciate Dr.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: Stevens putting into tangible terms, important milestones for my children.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: Sometimes it seems like the big decisions are just floating out there in space.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: And my kids are always asking about them and I don't have a definitive answer.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: Like when my son can go fishing at the pond alone with friends, or when can my boys carry a pocket knife or my girls go to Chick-fil-A with their friends after youth group and especially the phone issue we haven't given our children answers and all that.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: And they're the looming questions when, so I love this idea.
• 12:53
  Cheryl: So we get more mental margin and not be constantly trying to ward off limbing questions.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: So that we can have a definitive answer for both my child mm-hmm and for me as a mom, so you get to go to Chick-fil-A after you group with your friends, when you're 14 mm-hmm or the pocket knife, et cetera, et cetera.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: I'm so excited.
• 13:13
  Cheryl: No more constant questions.
• 13:14
  Cheryl: Just a line in the sand.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: That's helpful for everyone.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Thank you for this amazing podcast.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: Can't wait to hear more.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so
• 13:22
  Christie: good.
• 13:22
  Christie: That is so good.
• 13:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:24
  Christie: And I can really.
• 13:25
  Christie: Um, identify with that mom of the big questions that are looming out there.
• 13:30
  Christie: And then when it's brought to you, it's tempting to make an emotional decision.
• 13:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:36
  Christie: Out of either out of fear or, you know, wanting to please your child and be the fun mom.
• 13:41
  Christie: Right.
• 13:41
  Christie: All of those feelings that can come into place.
• 13:43
  Christie: So if you pre decide before the question comes, that's
• 13:46
  Ellen: gold and it's also okay to say.
• 13:49
  Ellen: Your child comes to you and asks you, I need a few minutes to think mm-hmm Cause that would always be my problem, Chris, cuz I'd be like, you I'd be like, well, that sounds really fun.
• 13:57
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:57
  Ellen: But I'm not really sure.
• 13:59
  Ellen: Uh, uh, uh, and then I'm pressured into doing something rather than I learned to say.
• 14:04
  Ellen: Oh, I need to go think about it for a little bit.
• 14:06
  Ellen: Don't nag me while I'm thinking.
• 14:08
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:09
  Ellen: And take a few minutes and kind of walk through it mentally.
• 14:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 14:12
  Cheryl: So I'm really excited.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: Because this mom already applying this and she didn't know about birthday boxes.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And she's saying this as a tool that makes it easier for her to parent her children better.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: That's so great.
• 14:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm you know, I emailed Dr.
• 14:27
  Christie: Stevens after the episode and told him how much I just loved it.
• 14:32
  Christie: And in it, I told him that.
• 14:35
  Christie: If it weren't for you, Cheryl and him as my kids pediatrician, I don't know where I would've been as a 20 something raising all my babies.
• 14:43
  Christie: I mean, I had started having my kids at 19.
• 14:44
  Christie: So, you know, there's just, I know there's others out there like me that just didn't necessarily have the example they were wanting to follow and are looking for advice and wisdom from older wiser parents.
• 14:56
  Christie: And I'm just so grateful that I had you guys speaking these truths into my life.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: Oh, Christie.
• 15:03
  Cheryl: Oh, well, that's, that's really encouraging to me what a blessing it's been.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: And I know Dr.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: Stevens would say the same thing.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: wow.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: And, and exciting because now we.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Dr.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Steven.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: Coming on.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: So good, really
• 15:20
  Ellen: neat asset, but I think that's really true.
• 15:22
  Ellen: I think a lot of moms, you know, it is a jungle to navigate.
• 15:26
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:27
  Ellen: And you know, sometimes you're in the weeds before, you know, it mm-hmm and I know, I felt very grateful when I was younger that I just.
• 15:34
  Ellen: Happened to be in groups.
• 15:36
  Ellen: We moved a lot, but I always had groups where there were older women mm-hmm and I would usually find a friend and an older woman.
• 15:42
  Ellen: And then I could ask her all these millions of questions.
• 15:45
  Ellen: Right?
• 15:45
  Ellen: What do I do when my 10 year old is doing this?
• 15:49
  Cheryl: Ellen I had a mom ask us that and she said, so what do I look for in a mentor?
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Do I look at, she has the same number of children.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: They live in the same place.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: What do we look for in a mentor?
• 16:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm well, yeah,
• 16:01
  Ellen: one, you need to like them and so, but, um, when, you're going to mentor someone, you're looking for someone that's fat and not weight wise.
• 16:11
  Ellen: Okay.
• 16:11
  Ellen: They're fat means they're faithful.
• 16:14
  Ellen: They're available and they're teachable.
• 16:17
  Ellen: That's what you wanna be to your mentor.
• 16:20
  Ellen: So when you ask them questions, oh, and they give you an answer, you are being faithful.
• 16:26
  Ellen: Okay.
• 16:26
  Ellen: You're being available and you're being teachable.
• 16:29
  Ellen: That's good.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: Good.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: Well then I didn't have mentors.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: I didn't have me and I didn't have Kelly.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: I didn't have the older women.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: So bill and I.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: Hours and hours and hours of conversation like mm-hmm, we didn't have the picture of the roadmap, but we had the concept.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: So what do we want, what do we do?
• 16:50
  Cheryl: We had lots and lots of conversation.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: Now Ellen's talked about, they sat down every week and they filled in the like daytimer and made a clear, better planning meetings.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm ours.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: Like that ours was much more philosophical on what do we want and now how we're gonna do it.
• 17:08
  Cheryl: So the style was different, but we really were trying to be really intentional mm-hmm as things came up or so how does our philosophy apply to this situation?
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so we had the conversation of what is our philosophy.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: And then how do we do it?
• 17:24
  Cheryl: And then what can we do for this child given their personality or circumstance.
• 17:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:29
  Cheryl: And it
• 17:29
  Ellen: can be evolving, cuz I would say what I thought in the early years with my first couple of children is totally different.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Yes mm-hmm we got to the end, the ender children,
• 17:39
  Christie: the latter Cabos Cabo side.
• 17:41
  Christie: Exactly.
• 17:42
  Christie: That's right.
• 17:43
  Ellen: So that plays a big part in it too.
• 17:46
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:46
  Ellen: You know, is that what you thought was really good and positive maybe with your first, when you realized.
• 17:51
  Ellen: Well,
• 17:52
  Christie: especially if you're, I mean, not to get off on technology, but you know, just our older kids came up in the time.
• 17:57
  Christie: That's right.
• 17:58
  Christie: Where phones, we didn't understand the dangers of yeah.
• 18:01
  Christie: Or the things to be cautious of with social media and phones.
• 18:04
  Christie: So we started things way earlier than we should have and yeah, because you that's good.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: We didn't have, you didn't know it was part of your
• 18:10
  Christie: map.
• 18:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:11
  Christie: Yeah, exactly.
• 18:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:12
  Christie: We didn't know to talk about that ahead of time.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: It is always easier to say no.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: first and yes.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Later.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Rather than tr like backing up on the road trip.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Oh, we're gonna back up to Knoxville, right?
• 18:24
  Christie: but I will say if you have said yes to things that you look back and think I should have probably done this differently, don't be afraid of your kids, you know, that's right.
• 18:32
  Christie: Don't, don't be afraid to sit down and say, Hey, I am learning just like everybody else.
• 18:38
  Christie: And this is what I realized that I should not have done.
• 18:40
  Christie: Cause we did that with our kids.
• 18:41
  Christie: Some of our younger ones got social media before we felt like it was time.
• 18:45
  Christie: And, and so we did, we said, you know, we're sorry.
• 18:49
  Christie: Yeah, but this is how it's gonna be.
• 18:50
  Christie: That's
• 18:51
  Ellen: good because I mean, we, I think.
• 18:53
  Ellen: More than time in history.
• 18:55
  Ellen: We just live in such a fast paced.
• 18:56
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:57
  Ellen: Western culture where things change.
• 18:59
  Ellen: I mean, overnight you wake up and this is weird now.
• 19:02
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:02
  Ellen: You know, and yesterday it was this, and now it's this and how much harder for our kids that is mm-hmm terms of values and just ideas and technology.
• 19:12
  Ellen: And, you know, Phones seemed like a good idea till your kids are up till two in the morning on their phones.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: You know, and everything that's there.
• 19:21
  Cheryl: Yes, that's right.
• 19:22
  Ellen: Yes.
• 19:22
  Ellen: I mean, in the beginning of phones, there was limited.
• 19:25
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:25
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:25
  Ellen: And now
• 19:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm okay.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Now I'd like to talk into.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: Instituting consequences.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: If someone said, so what's the big deal about consequences?
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Why should I use them?
• 19:37
  Cheryl: I mean, it seems mean mm-hmm what would y'all say about.
• 19:41
  Christie: Well, first of all, I relate with the feeling of it feeling me.
• 19:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:43
  Christie: I never wanna, you know, I'm, I'm always like, oh, I wanna be the nice fun mom.
• 19:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:48
  Christie: I know.
• 19:48
  Christie: Why not?
• 19:49
  Christie: Um, I that's life, you know, adult life is cause and effect.
• 19:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Christie: It's privileges and responsibilities and cost.
• 19:57
  Christie: Well they're college
• 19:57
  Ellen: instructors, their bosses.
• 20:00
  Ellen: Their spouses.
• 20:01
  Ellen: Aren't gonna appreciate with, you know, you've indulged your child so much that they don't wanna do anything.
• 20:07
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:08
  Christie: And they don't feel well.
• 20:08
  Christie: They aren't going to appreciate it.
• 20:10
  Christie: No.
• 20:10
  Christie: Later on, they're gonna say, gosh, I keep having these same bad habits.
• 20:14
  Christie: Why can't I be more disciplined in this area?
• 20:16
  Christie: Or, you know, whatever.
• 20:17
  Christie: And it's like, well, if, if you've never experienced that
• 20:20
  Cheryl: it's yeah.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: Well, what a terrible thing to remove consequences.
• 20:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:24
  Cheryl: You know, and I would never stop
• 20:27
  Ellen: eating
• 20:29
  Christie: especially junk food cupcakes for breakfast every
• 20:32
  Cheryl: day.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: Cause I agree, Christie, I think it's a real disservice that we would be doing to our children.
• 20:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and that's why I like the roadmap idea of doing.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: The responsibilities and the intentional with the consequences.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: One of the reasons is,as our children get older?
• 20:50
  Cheryl: I believe consequences need to start being their teacher.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm because they're leaving the training years.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: They're moving, they're going towards releasing.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: And if they've had a whole lifetime of realizing their choices have consequences, mm-hmm right.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: And they can lose a privilege and the consequences become their great teacher.
• 21:08
  Cheryl: And there's something I've said, I used to say it, print it up and put on your wall, but now tattoos are very common, right?
• 21:16
  Cheryl: I would have a lot of moms tattoo on the inside of their wrist or something.
• 21:20
  Cheryl: D B T O.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:22
  Cheryl: Which is don't bail them out.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Which is what we do.
• 21:26
  Cheryl: Not only remove the consequences, but maybe snowplow in front of them and make it so easy.
• 21:33
  Cheryl: That they don't fail.
• 21:34
  Cheryl: Right?
• 21:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm you know, I mean, I don't think it's too big a thing to say.
• 21:40
  Cheryl: What we're talking about here is they make a bad choice.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: They have consequences.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and so we're training them for life.
• 21:49
  Cheryl: Don't bail them out, let them learn our job as parents, we can't change their personality.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: We can't teach them character, but we want to set up that roadmap doing the best we can.
• 22:03
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm hopefully that they'll learn failure in our household.
• 22:06
  Cheryl (2): Right?
• 22:06
  Cheryl (2): They'll learn this character.
• 22:08
  Cheryl (2): And diligence and all of this so that they aren't trying to learn it when they're 35 and 40,
• 22:14
  Christie: Right.
• 22:15
  Christie: I would add onto that.
• 22:16
  Christie: It doesn't have a cute acronym, but remove, um, I told you, so from your language and I read or heard somewhere along the way, replace every time you feel like saying, I told you, so say, I'm so sorry that happened.
• 22:30
  Christie: Wow.
• 22:30
  Christie: That's
• 22:31
  Ellen: excellent.
• 22:32
  Ellen: And make sure it doesn't show on your face.
• 22:33
  Ellen: Right.
• 22:34
  Ellen: even though you may be thinking example.
• 22:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:37
  Ellen: Cuz my kids will go.
• 22:38
  Ellen: I can see on your
• 22:39
  Cheryl: face, mom mm-hmm mm-hmm no, but that is such a great thing of grace.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Right?
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm to empathize them but you know,
• 22:46
  Ellen: the reality is.
• 22:48
  Ellen: This is the hardest job you're ever going to do.
• 22:51
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:52
  Ellen: This is the hardest road trip for everybody to take and we have to have responsibilities and consequences.
• 22:59
  Ellen: So the trip can go a little bit more smoothly.
• 23:02
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, you plot out your trip before you go from coast to coast, you know, where the gas stations are.
• 23:09
  Ellen: And so I think somehow we get this false idea that it's gonna be.easy There are days you were gonna be exhausted the end of the day, because that's all you felt like you did, right.
• 23:20
  Ellen: Was correct.
• 23:21
  Ellen: Your children go through consequences, responsibilities, and then they did it again.
• 23:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:27
  Ellen: So having a realistic, and I think that's the hardest thing for all of us having a realistic view of what it means to be a parent, what it means to be a mom and.
• 23:36
  Ellen: That there are days of failure where you just crash into bed.
• 23:40
  Ellen: Mm-hmm there's other days where you're like, wow, this was a wonderful day.
• 23:45
  Ellen: And you know, it, it evens out in the end.
• 23:48
  Christie: Well, and you say failure.
• 23:50
  Christie: I would just say too.
• 23:51
  Christie: Remember, their failures are not your failure.
• 23:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:54
  Christie: Just because good.
• 23:55
  Christie: They, you know, may have.
• 23:56
  Christie: To face some hard consequences.
• 23:58
  Christie: That's not a reflection on a job that you did or didn't do.
• 24:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:02
  Christie: I think we've talked about that before,
• 24:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 24:05
  Cheryl: Such good stuff, taking one little thing.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and then trying to apply it in a big way.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and really great.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: And we are out of time.
• 24:14
  Ellen: it makes me
• 24:15
  Christie: hungry.
• 24:16
  Ellen: They're shaking.
• 24:16
  Ellen: I know.
• 24:17
  Cheryl: HERE IS SOME LAUGHTER AND WORD YEAH Moms, we want to hear from you And tagging back to what Ellen said, mom.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: That's what we're trying to say.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: What we ended up with every time.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: Remember, hang in there.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: with consequences with the roadmap, with the flat tires, with the pushback, with the mistakes, with the going back to it, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.