Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Moms Ask: Interrupting kids? Am I selfish or self-caring? | Ep. 26

Transcript

Moms Ask: Interrupting kids? Am I selfish or self-caring? | Ep. 26 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Cheryl: Here we are at the parenting podcast.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: And, I'm Cheryl we're back here with Denae and Ellen.
• 1:09
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:10
  Cheryl: Hi, why did you
• 1:11
  Ellen: get that pan?
• 1:12
  Ellen: I just have to ask you that
• 1:13
  Cheryl: the trick, I love the color.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: I don't understand though.
• 1:15
  Cheryl: It's got, look, it's got cushy here at the end of it.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: It's like a little of, yeah, because
• 1:19
  Ellen: it's a touch pad that you can use a phone or your iPhone, and then you can click it and it becomes a pen.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: I just have to remember to click it
• 1:28
  Ellen: now, now with the pen,
• 1:30
  Danae: right?
• 1:30
  Danae: Don't write on your screen.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: Thank you very much.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: I made your favorite color.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: She just broke into our ongoing conversation here.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Uh, deep
• 1:42
  Danae: conversation, right?
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Um, so not only is Cheryl learning something new, well, I will keep this, your pen.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: I'll keep it in a special place because I don't want to phone now
• 1:56
  Ellen: that we told you
• 1:57
  Cheryl: how it works.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Like y'all doing well.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 2:01
  Danae: didn't
• 2:01
  Ellen: get thanks.
• 2:02
  Ellen: So I'm going to be hungry soon, but that's beside the point.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: I'm thinking of food at this moment.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: Surely Ellen will come in with snacks for us.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: I like it when she wanders through somewhere and comes and have some really
• 2:16
  Ellen: good.
• 2:16
  Ellen: Yeah, the urban agrarian.
• 2:17
  Ellen: I didn't get a chance to go in there cause I always have a little nibble.
• 2:21
  Danae: That
• 2:21
  Cheryl: sounds good.
• 2:22
  Cheryl: So last time we were here, we had a bunch of the questions that moms have sent out and
• 2:26
  Danae: we made it.
• 2:27
  Danae: One,
• 2:31
  Cheryl: somewhat again, do a little infomercial here, moms TextUs, and just deep Ms.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Your questions because it is what we enjoy and we want to get into it and, and be relevant to you.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: So let us hear from you.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: Um, I'd let me read this one.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: This is interesting.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: A mom says.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: I have a struggle out in public with my kids.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: And it's when I'm talking with my friends at restaurants or at their houses, or whether we're at church and my kids just keep running up to me and start talking or asking questions.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: We're right in the middle of thing.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: How can I fix this?
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Because it's rude.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: And I will tell you, I'm actually embarrassed that my children do it, but I don't know how to undo what I've already let start happening.
• 3:18
  Danae: That's good.
• 3:19
  Danae: There's nothing more annoying.
• 3:22
  Danae: To either be the parent or to be someone that, you know, a child is coming up to their parent 10 million times.
• 3:29
  Danae: I was so thankful for this advice when my kids were little, maybe this is the best parenting advice that I have, which may be sad, but I stick to this one.
• 3:42
  Danae: It's something called the internet.
• 3:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:47
  Danae: And so it's
• 3:48
  Cheryl: pretty, that's what these trends are.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: They're interrupting.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: And I mean, we do it here all the time on the podcast.
• 3:55
  Danae: Maybe we need to start, we're not sitting close enough to each other.
• 3:58
  Danae: Did he?
• 3:58
  Danae: This, you know, something I think of a lot.
• 4:01
  Danae: And this is a good example is that I want to enjoy my children and I want other people to enjoy them.
• 4:10
  Danae: If my child was coming up to me over and over and over again, I would get annoyed and then I'd be trying to be patient and my emotions would be going up.
• 4:19
  Danae: And then I'd be really annoyed at my interrupting child.
• 4:23
  Danae: So anyway, so I'm so thankful for this.
• 4:25
  Danae: So what the tool is is you have the child come up to you and place their hand on your arm.
• 4:32
  Danae: So if they're little, you know, wherever they're little or they're older, the.
• 4:37
  Danae: And then you acknowledge them.
• 4:40
  Danae: And so if I had a child that came in and put their hand on my arm, then I would put my hand on top of their hand.
• 4:47
  Danae: And that is saying to them, I I see that you're here acknowledge, I've acknowledged you.
• 4:54
  Danae: And as soon as I'm able to, I will stop and ask you what you need, but you know, so the first thing is to explain it to them, sit your children down and say, we're going to have a new rule and explain it to them.
• 5:06
  Danae: And we would even practice at home.
• 5:08
  Danae: Okay, let's go.
• 5:09
  Danae: The interrupt role, you know, for the little ones and what have kind of some fun doing that.
• 5:15
  Danae: And then also, you know, you'd have to remind them over time.
• 5:18
  Danae: Like that does not mean you have your hand on me and you're patting me or you're catching me or you're tugging and explain why a little bite.
• 5:27
  Danae: Exactly.
• 5:28
  Danae: And explain why to them say, I want to hear you, but it's really.
• 5:33
  Danae: For my friend to, for you to come in and interrupt us.
• 5:38
  Danae: And so we want to, you know, be thought.
• 5:42
  Danae: To the other people in our lives.
• 5:44
  Danae: And so it's almost like a little bit of a game because it would be between my child and me and only we would know.
• 5:50
  Danae: And it was also a sweet time for that, that physical touch.
• 5:54
  Danae: Sometimes I would have maybe a shy child or someone that needed some comfort and, and I kind of found over time.
• 6:01
  Danae: Oh, they were just needing.
• 6:03
  Danae: I am here and mom knows I'm here.
• 6:06
  Danae: And so I think, you know, by the time I would say, what do you need that thing?
• 6:11
  Danae: You know?
• 6:11
  Danae: So it's also a very, it's a very sweet thing.
• 6:14
  Danae: Um, memory, because my kids aren't aren't older, but I think maybe we even do it now as adult.
• 6:20
  Danae: You know, I will see us as adults even come up and, you know, just, you put your finger on someone's elbow or just a light touch.
• 6:26
  Danae: Just say, Hey, I wanna, I want to talk to you whenever you get a chance.
• 6:29
  Danae: So there's my advice on that question.
• 6:32
  Ellen: And I knew when my kids were like teenagers kind of bumping it up a few years, they would just come and stand beside me.
• 6:38
  Ellen: And you
• 6:38
  Danae: know, that I knew, okay,
• 6:40
  Ellen: there, they wanted something or they needed something.
• 6:43
  Ellen: And it's just a nice way
• 6:44
  Cheryl: to, because it's the same thing I guess we had to train herself first though, because you have to train because if you respond, it's like last time, remember we were talking about the tattling and we reinforce it.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: I would reinforce it if I didn't follow it through, right.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Have to practice it.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: And.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Uh, I liked several of the things, the way you approach this, that you talked about doing it when it's not the issue and you're at home and you're by yourself and you're talking because that shows respect and values your child, instead of embarrassing them in front of someone else.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: And then you practiced it, you role model that, and I remember we would do the same thing.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Let's practice you.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: And I do it, um, when they're little and show them.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: at home I like that.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: And, um, and even, you know, the olders I can remember it an older one coming behind the sofa and that put their hand on my shoulder and put my hand on it, you know, and then trying very quickly to get to the point.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: So they're rewarded, that's our
• 7:46
  Danae: training, right.
• 7:47
  Danae: Very quickly.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: Because, and if they're
• 7:50
  Ellen: passing out at your feet, We
• 7:55
  Danae: missed the
• 7:55
  Cheryl: point.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: And we were talking about talking with them about it again.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: I would want to go back in that conversation.
• 8:05
  Cheryl: What, I don't know if I said, because it's been way too long to remember to talk about.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: Not just, this is rude and you're interrupting type thing, and it is true.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: But I also want to go back again because one of our principles and deeply held values here.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: As individuals and certainly for the parenting podcast is to show value to other people we believe everyone's made in the image of God and has inherent dignity and worth and value.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: And so that's the children themselves.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: That's our friends that we're people we're with and ourselves, and to go back and have that conversation about value and important.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: Why are we sharing?
• 8:47
  Cheryl: Because we want to show value because they are important and they have value.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: And then something that I had to work with.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: Again, wasn't aware of is doing the same with the children because a lot of times adults feel they can just interrupt anything a child's doing anytime conversations or anything.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: And, and this value that's becomes the value to me that I'm not showing them respect and value.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: If I feel I can just interrupt anything anytime, and it's not important.
• 9:22
  Danae: Yeah, that's good.
• 9:23
  Danae: yeah, that makes me think of, I had a friend um, in her relationship with her teenage sense, she would go up while he was doing a schoolwork and just start talking to them.
• 9:31
  Danae: And he was really struggling to not kind of snap at her like mom and I was having a hard time having a bad attitude toward her.
• 9:39
  Danae: And at first she would, she was really getting upset with him.
• 9:42
  Danae: He was being disrespectful to her and he wasn't acting right.
• 9:47
  Danae: And then.
• 9:50
  Danae: She thought about that she would never go to her husband if her husband was in the middle of work and just start talking to him.
• 10:00
  Danae: And so she started treating her teenage son the same way.
• 10:05
  Danae: I think that's brilliance.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: See showing value and respect even when you go.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: It's geometry homework.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:15
  Danae: Which may take a lot of brain power,
• 10:19
  Cheryl: you know, Tenae.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: I wish I had had this concept in the forefront of my mind, most of my life.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: And that's why I like having these conversations because moms that's something I would want.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: To give to you what I didn't have.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: And it took me so long to develop and
• 10:40
  Ellen: it's an easy practice to start.
• 10:41
  Ellen: It's not difficult, you know, to train your whole family and then I probably the biggest interrupter in the family and I still kind of do say to my husband, can I interrupt you?
• 10:56
  Ellen: But, you know, I think it's a, it's a pretty easy tool to use exactly what it really can help, especially when you start younger and you know, it really makes a difference in how people feel and then they get heard.
• 11:08
  Ellen: And you're not frustrated as a mom when you're trying to have fun with your friends and you have somebody tugging on you instead of just waiting
• 11:15
  Cheryl: quietly.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: And again, if I were doing a better job, And I worked that mom, I would go to my son and apologize to him and say, you know what?
• 11:27
  Cheryl: I've realized, I haven't been showing you respect the way I should.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: She's going to get his attention really classed and again, to go back and do that.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Cause it's the conversations that are so important.
• 11:40
  Danae: I'm also thinking about the interrupting, uh, kind of like we went to the deep dive with the tattle tailing.
• 11:47
  Danae: Is what's the heart of the issue?
• 11:49
  Danae: You know, I, I have another experience with a friend that I would go and visit and had a young daughter, I think.
• 11:54
  Danae: The daughter was maybe five or six and every time I would come, the starter would just want to be the center of attention.
• 12:02
  Danae: She, you know, with the beginning it was by doing sweet things.
• 12:07
  Danae: Well, then she would start acting out and getting in trouble and you know, that daughter needed some attention.
• 12:16
  Danae: And what are you all thinking about that?
• 12:17
  Danae: How would you advise that
• 12:19
  Cheryl: mom?
• 12:20
  Cheryl: You mean she was giving attention in the wrong
• 12:21
  Danae: way.
• 12:21
  Danae: She was getting attention in the wrong way.
• 12:23
  Ellen: but it's really important that our children need to know slowly that they're not the center of the world.
• 12:29
  Ellen: And that just because you're busy with them during the day and you can give them some attention.
• 12:35
  Ellen: There's a different level when your friends come over or another family comes over because your attention is divided.
• 12:41
  Ellen: And if you start that early enough, then the child understands.
• 12:45
  Ellen: Oh, and you make them part of.
• 12:47
  Ellen: The process of helping with whatever's going on.
• 12:51
  Ellen: So they feel like they're included in the conversation, even if they're not talking well.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: And that goes to, in that conversation, talking about how we value other people and we show it dignity and respect to them by deferring to them and listening Am the one Mrs.
• 13:07
  Ellen: Jones is trying to talk to me right now and you need to wait because that's a really, depending on the child, they do need to learn to wait because that's, part of the entrance into adulthood.
• 13:16
  Ellen: We all sit around and wait.
• 13:18
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: True.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: One question I would ask to understand a little more with this little girl.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: So age-ish what age is she kind of high five, probably at five.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Would you say that was.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: In certain instances, Is it in certain context?
• 13:37
  Cheryl: Like every time grandma comes over or is it something that was more broad spread?
• 13:42
  Cheryl: was it something that sprung up is something she's been doing for a while Yeah.
• 13:47
  Danae: All I, all I know is the mom would say this she's never liked this.
• 13:50
  Danae: It only happens when I have friends over.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: So it was a particular thing.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: And I think it's one of these things where if she really wants the help, have the kind of conversation we're having here, and then she can have that conversation.
• 14:05
  Ellen: My mom's having her friend over now and we'd love you.
• 14:08
  Ellen: And this is, this is my time with my friend.
• 14:11
  Ellen: And if you need something, I'm here for you, but when you have your friends over, I don't come and interrupt everything you're doing and want to be in the middle of it.
• 14:20
  Ellen: Cause it sounded like more that she wanted to be the center of the tension.
• 14:23
  Ellen: Not that she really needed anything.
• 14:26
  Danae: Yes.
• 14:27
  Cheryl: And that there's, there's a deeper issue there somewhere.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: And if it's only when people are over or is this a total child centric house?
• 14:38
  Cheryl: And this little girl just pulls all the raids and gets everything and whatever happens, you know we don't ever have chicken, we don't have this, we don't do that And I can't have my blue lights on because she doesn't like it., you know, but we all know we've all been around child centric.
• 14:54
  Cheryl: And that she is the city.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: And she didn't like sharing the stage with someone.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: So if that's more what it is, it's a much bigger picture and it's the mom that needs to walk through.
• 15:06
  Cheryl: So the mom's the one that's got to change everything because the daughter's just living out, being a five-year-old immature child.
• 15:14
  Danae: Absolutely.
• 15:15
  Danae: And, you know, I think the big issue here, and it comes up with a lot of moms that I talk to and I struggled with it myself.
• 15:22
  Danae: Is the mom feeling guilty?
• 15:24
  Danae: Maybe I'm not giving the child enough.
• 15:26
  Danae: Maybe I shouldn't have friends over.
• 15:29
  Danae: You know, and I just want to speak to that, that as moms, we need to take care of ourselves, we need to make sure we have time for our friends times to be an adult, you know, just an adult and not in that mom
• 15:42
  Cheryl: role.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: You're right.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: Because.
• 15:45
  Cheryl: Unfortunately, it's so easy as a mother, that your identity is I'm a mom.
• 15:51
  Cheryl: And so, whatever, wherever we look to, what our identity is, we do everything to shore that up.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: And that becomes the center of our life.
• 16:00
  Cheryl: So if my identity is a mom that, it's how my children treat me, how I'm seen as a mother, my interaction with them.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: And that becomes my whole world.
• 16:08
  Cheryl: And we know that that's not healthy and a lot of.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: Moms don't realize that.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: I think until the kids start growing and leaving the nest and so forth, and then they realize that's been my whole identity.
• 16:22
  Cheryl: I don't even know who I am.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 16:25
  Ellen: I mean, I think that's such a huge topic because I mean, we all struggled with that.
• 16:30
  Ellen: You know, if I do this for myself, am I being selfish because I want to have peace and quiet for an hour and make the kids lay on their bed so I can have some brain cells
• 16:42
  Cheryl: back.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: actually this tags to a question a Mom, writes helped me see the difference between taking care of myself and being selfish.
• 16:52
  Cheryl: That's a really good question.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: And I will tell you, I think it's struggle that every mom
• 16:56
  Ellen: has.
• 16:57
  Ellen: And it's very individual, right?
• 17:00
  Ellen: Because everybody has different needs and, and things that they, and things that they care about.
• 17:05
  Ellen: Um, that's important to them that might not be important to another mom.
• 17:10
  Ellen: And so you kind of have to decide what are the things that I need and want in my life that make me feel like a more full person, a little bit better energized, able to kind of keep going.
• 17:23
  Ellen: Cause I know I was always maybe more under.
• 17:26
  Ellen: The martyr syndrome.
• 17:28
  Ellen: Ooh.
• 17:29
  Danae: And I always said that we're
• 17:33
  Cheryl: not bringing
• 17:33
  Danae: this up.
• 17:35
  Danae: Next question.
• 17:37
  Ellen: If I did anything for myself or had any fun, then maybe I wasn't being a good mom, but then I would just grow resentful and then I'd finally blow up and stop off and go.
• 17:49
  Ellen: I'm going to the movies
• 17:50
  Danae: all by myself.
• 17:51
  Danae: I leave everyone.
• 17:52
  Danae: Leave me alone.
• 17:55
  Ellen: This
• 17:56
  Cheryl: is ugly.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: That's a bad
• 17:58
  Ellen: thing.
• 17:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Not knowing the balance of what is healthy for you as an individual, with the things that you need, you know, w is spending, you know,$25 and getting my nails done is that taking away from something for my children.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Sometimes it is.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Does that mean that's what we've got here, but see, you're talking about.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Unhealthy and me with my temper, my way I'm made up is basically I'm a very nurturing person.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: But in the unhealthiness, I'm figuring if I nurture and give so much, I'm going to get all this good feedback and everyone they'll love me and honor me.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: And you know, all of that sort of thing, because it's not balanced.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: That's only
• 18:41
  Ellen: happens in old
• 18:42
  Danae: black and white movies.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: but the issue again is me.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: It was me and my motivation.
• 18:54
  Danae: So you're saying that's selfish versus self care.
• 18:59
  Danae: Kind of the difference that I did than Ellen is that I would exhaust myself, not allow myself to have any time for rejuvenation and then I would need to numb out, or I'd hurt my back.
• 19:16
  Danae: I'd get sick, you know, so they're legitimate excuse or were because I laid down for not allow myself, like you were saying, the martyr syndrome.
• 19:26
  Danae: And I had such a huge reaction because I didn't realize that's what it was until, you know, too late.
• 19:33
  Danae: Um, Yeah, that my body, my mind, my emotions, they could only go for so long.
• 19:40
  Danae: So really potentially I took more away from my family and my other relationships because I wouldn't listen to myself.
• 19:49
  Danae: My habit of, I exhaust myself.
• 19:52
  Danae: I push myself to the very, very, very end until I can't give anymore.
• 19:58
  Danae: And I know.
• 19:59
  Danae: So help me out here, ladies, I need some more advice on that.
• 20:03
  Danae: Self-care
• 20:04
  Ellen: you say?
• 20:04
  Ellen: You're not alone.
• 20:05
  Ellen: I can remember many big holidays To get some energy without completely collapsing.
• 20:11
  Ellen: one of the things that I figured out quite a few years ago was it is okay during the middle of a big event or party to go into my room and I sit in there and I did a little bit of breathing and I take a break, nobody misses me.
• 20:25
  Ellen: And then going back out, I'm like a new person,
• 20:28
  Cheryl: you know?
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Well, one of the things that's really beneficial is having someone speak into it.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: And so even before I lost bill, he would say, sweetheart, Take some time for yourself.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: You're doing too much.
• 20:39
  Cheryl: but this martyr complex and the, whatever it is that a mother gets, just so sucked into it, where you erase yourself and it's all about them.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: And I didn't always listen to him very well.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: And I'm sorry about that.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: And then after he died and I have all five children at home.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: And it really is.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: I just singled wood in mother.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: It was 10 times more than I could ever get done.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: Like, uh, what have you call them a Whirlpool and the ocean where it pools everything down.
• 21:10
  Cheryl: I did not know how to get out, of that.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: And I did have good people speaking into my life saying, you've got to get away.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: You've got to do something.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: Kind of cold Turkey walk away from everything, but I can remember I realized I was becoming a workaholic and I was spinning 70 plates doing so much.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: And that's what makes workaholism.
• 21:34
  Cheryl: Um, work is number one, it becomes your identity.
• 21:38
  Cheryl: And then also it's the adrenaline that you get off of it.
• 21:42
  Cheryl: And when you stop, you feel the gap because you become addicted to the adrenaline.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: And it sounds real silly now, but I would say I am going to go and I'm going to get a good book.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: I happen to be a John Grisham fan.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: And so I would get a book like that, that I knew I would enjoy.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: And I would leave and I didn't have a little tiny ones, but go to my bedroom.
• 22:04
  Cheryl: And I would set the timer for 15 minutes and I'm going to sit here and read a book.
• 22:10
  Cheryl: That's not teaching me about how to parent better or involved in my parenting ministry or how to cook meals It wasn't.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: Building me up and I was learning how to engage people, nothing, just enjoying it, enjoying it.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: And I had to kind of make myself do that.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: And that was how I began initiating.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: And I would also sometimes say, I'll be back and I would walk away for 20 minutes and so that began to get me on a different.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: To it and trying to bring myself off of this rat race.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: And I didn't feel selfish about it because I needed it and I could see.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: And part of that was having a wise friend speaking into my life.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: So
• 23:00
  Danae: everybody listened to your wise friend, Cheryl.
• 23:02
  Danae: Right?
• 23:04
  Danae: What I'm hearing you say is, um, the difference between choosing.
• 23:10
  Danae: Making a plan to do things that are life-giving versus numbing out.
• 23:15
  Danae: Very that's good.
• 23:16
  Danae: And so that's maybe part of the answer to this question of what is selfish and what is self care.
• 23:22
  Danae: Self care is something that actually is caring.
• 23:26
  Danae: For ourselves when we're doing things, I love taking hot baths.
• 23:31
  Danae: That's what I'll do, you know, in the evening of separating.
• 23:35
  Danae: And it's good for me.
• 23:36
  Danae: I know that it's good for my muscles to relax.
• 23:38
  Danae: It's good for me to be by myself and to calm down yes.
• 23:41
  Danae: And have
• 23:41
  Ellen: to cost money.
• 23:42
  Ellen: Cause that's sometimes, I mean, I would definitely run away and go to the movies by myself cause I'm a movie person.
• 23:48
  Ellen: So, and I enjoyed that.
• 23:49
  Ellen: Other people go your other movies by yourself, Yes.
• 23:56
  Ellen: Um, well I think, um, I, more than anything, I'm just learning not to get myself as an older woman now, not to get myself in the position where I get so exhausted and balancing my time a little bit better because I don't have as many distractions.
• 24:13
  Ellen: But I know when I was younger, for me, self care would change at different times.
• 24:17
  Ellen: You know, sometimes I would need to maybe go somewhere and just be in a different environment where nobody wanted me or needed anything other times.
• 24:26
  Ellen: It might've just been going over to a friend's house to just hang out and have a cup of coffee and talk for a little bit.
• 24:32
  Ellen: So it just really.
• 24:33
  Ellen: Depended.
• 24:34
  Ellen: And sometimes it could be something as simple.
• 24:36
  Ellen: Maybe it was just taking one child with me somewhere and enjoying some time with that one kid with nothing else.
• 24:43
  Ellen: But Hey, we're just going to hang out and get an ice cream or, you know, have a slice of pizza and just talk for a little bit.
• 24:49
  Cheryl: the sense of balanced I would say maybe because the mom is saying, how do I know when it's selfish?
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Trying to look at balance Yeah.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: That's it, I guess that would have to be, it is that we look at what the motivation of my heart is.
• 25:03
  Cheryl: This is healthy and life giving to me, not boy, do I deserve this?
• 25:07
  Cheryl: And I'm going to get that, you know, maybe that's it.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: That that would be how we would discern between self-giving and life-giving and selfish.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: And like, for me, we talked about the, what was it?
• 25:21
  Cheryl: We started out new saying the martyr mom to realize I'm operating in an unhealthy situation here.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: And I am at everyone's call right now where I'm doing this, where I feel guilty if I don't and I need to detach myself from that.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Even if I'm still cooking suffer right here and maybe nursing the baby, but inside of myself, That I need to get to a healthy place in me.
• 25:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 25:47
  Danae: Because the truth is the list.
• 25:50
  Danae: Never gets done, never done, you know, so that thought of, but I've got so much more to do.
• 25:55
  Danae: And I think that's definitely what I felt like was chasing me, you know, but how can I rest?
• 26:01
  Danae: There's there's always more to do.
• 26:03
  Danae: I've never done it.
• 26:05
  Cheryl: And we'd get down to say we feel guilty, or
• 26:07
  Danae: we feel the market of the perfect mom to get it all done.
• 26:10
  Danae: Right.
• 26:11
  Ellen: I would always snap.
• 26:12
  Ellen: Cheryl that was using talk to my kids about that freely.
• 26:16
  Ellen: It would just slowly build up because I really needed to get away.
• 26:20
  Ellen: Maybe just go into my room for half an hour, but I didn't understand that.
• 26:24
  Ellen: So then, then some kid would innocently ask me a question and I would snap at them.
• 26:28
  Ellen: And they're kind of like looking at me and what happened, but it was because it was just building up that I didn't have any healthy way to figure out how to just disengaged for a little bit.
• 26:39
  Ellen: And again, refresh
• 26:41
  Cheryl: This is really good and mom's
• 26:43
  Ellen: help each other, I mean, we used to do that when I was younger.
• 26:46
  Ellen: We did that friends that will you take my kids.
• 26:49
  Ellen: And we would trade off
• 26:50
  Danae: right?
• 26:51
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:51
  Danae: I keep thinking about Cheryl, you talked about the word value and valuing our.
• 26:56
  Danae: You know, we really, as moms need to take care of ourselves, value ourselves
• 27:01
  Cheryl: so that we can love our kids and our families better.
• 27:04
  Cheryl: I mean, I mean, if we need to do it for ourselves, right.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: But to the degree, I wasn't healthy, my family hurt.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: And so the healthier I can be and the more whole.
• 27:16
  Cheryl: We can be the moms that we want to be, and it helps my family to flourish.
• 27:20
  Cheryl: This is okay.
• 27:21
  Cheryl: We've run out of time again and y'all are wonderful.
• 27:23
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: I value each of you.
• 27:30
  Cheryl: bombs.
• 27:30
  Cheryl: Thank you for being here today.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: Again, send us your questions any way you can get them to us and Remember.
• 27:36
  Cheryl: hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it really is worth it.