Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep24: Love's Bankruptcy/ Funniest Take Yet 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep24: Love's Bankruptcy/ Funniest Take Yet 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just uh I just quit vaping, so that's Yeah, thank you.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Back to cigarettes, which uh better for you, plant-based alternative.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: That uh I like 'em, dude.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're good.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I like nicotine.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's my only vice.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I do nicotine and um you know, I have sex sometimes.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that counts though.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if sex is a vice, really, you know.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I feel like it can be, but you have to be really good at it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: For it to be a vice.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be busting a nut in two minutes and then be like, I got demons, babe.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm a prisoner of the flesh, you know?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you gotta throw the pipe around for it to be a problem.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I'm bad at it.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'm bad at it.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm I'm quiet.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a silent fucker.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm like a good Uber driver.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'll say your name once, you know, because Christina, and then I get to work.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I do it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I got one airpod in the whole time, being professional.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I do I have a, you know what it is?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I have a hard time doing like a like a sexy voice.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's doing these voice, everyone's, yo, yeah, yeah.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like everyone's doing a voice, and I'm not I'm not a liar.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna pretend.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I get why you do it, like you can't you can't really talk normal.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can't thank you, ma'am.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to do some some character building is required, but I don't want to do that.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've I talked once during sex, I was with a woman in intimately, and um uh she said uh she went, am I a she went, am I a slut?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And she wanted me to be like, yeah.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But instead I was like, yeah.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Which made her very sad.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I should be more mature.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm in my 30s now, and I think getting older is good.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I also think millennials and Gen Z are gonna be good old people.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be good old people.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think because the old people we have now gotta go.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're not they're not up to snuff.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: God bless you, sir.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, you're not really they just they're not cutting it anymore.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: They they talk about the good old days and then they say the worst thing you've ever heard in your life with this nostalgia.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh, back in my day we'd beat up the blind kid.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're so we used to line up the fat girls and spit on them.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, that sounds horrible.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I think millennials and Gen Z are we're gonna be good when we're old, because by the time we're like 80, we're gonna have witnessed the collapse of American civilization.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're kind of seeing a preview right now.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're sort of getting a peek at it, but by that time it's done.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's just global warming, violence.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna remember the good old days, like genuinely.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna tell our grandkids about how it was.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're gonna tell our grandkids back in my day, there was Florida.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you could vote.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Every four years, you'd pick between two pedophiles.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes a woman, they would lose.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then our grandkids will look up at us and they'll go, Sho wei, which means what in Mandarin?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I support that.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want China to take over.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Please clean this place up.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm 32 now.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I I'm already beginning to see people my age that are like mad at younger people, which is so stupid.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's whatever, we're all the same, basically.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of older people they don't like the new lingo.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: They get intimidated by new lingo, which is foolish.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's here's what happens.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever I hear a new term, I just translate it in my head to the slang that I would use when I was like 18.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: We all had our own slang, you know?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see some 21-year-old, she's like, yo, that shit is mid.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's gay.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: See some kid with purple hair, she's like, that's so cringe.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, also gay.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's really kind of only at one three-letter word for most things.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, got the job done.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I like gay people, you know?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I just got into them this year, to be honest with you.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't really fucking with them, but now I'm I'm on board, dude.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're fun.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I like the gay voice a lot, the gay affect.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's really cute.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's really endearing, the gay affect.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's all over the world.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know that?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like a West Hollywood thing.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like the whole planet has gay voice.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my family is Syrian.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I've been back to Syria a bunch of times.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You'll like see gay Syrian men speaking gay Arabic, like fully fully labil, like fully gay.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't expect it, and then you're like, oh yeah, okay, yeah.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I bet there was a gay caveman, probably.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: 30,000 years ago, a bunch of dudes with clubs walking around, like, and then one guy's like, wow.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he's like, I gay about it.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Must have been.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Must have happened, you know.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So uh what's going on with me?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I got divorced um a couple months ago legally.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, it's fine.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a big deal.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: We were poor.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, poor divorce is like embarrassing.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy, dude.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's no property, there's no assets.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Even the government's like, why are you telling us about it?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: DMI, we don't need to know.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So my ex-wife wanted it to be a bigger deal.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, I'll bring a fucking lawyer into this.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I gave you the Netflix.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what's a lawyer.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let him let him come, let him just look around, sure.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck it.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's very anticlimactic getting a poor divorce.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's no like judge really involved.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It just kind of.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is true.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: To get a divorce in the state of New York where I used to live, um, it costs$500.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this is also true, my ex-wife Venmo requested me$250.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the note on the Venmo just said divorce.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was so anticlimactic.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't even a private request, it was a public Venmo.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Up there with brunch and shit.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, now now I have now I have a roommate for the first time since I've been married, and you know, I hate him a lot.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I really despise this man.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: We fight over the bathroom sink.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's sort of our fault line, is the bathroom sink.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because he like texts me, you made a mess in the sink.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I I didn't.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've been married, like I can clean the sink, you know?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but he's relentless.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I I go out for the day, I get a text, you made a mess in the sink.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it it's driving me, it's literally driving me fucking crazy.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, does anyone not believe that I clean the sink right now?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can raise your hand if you look at me.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: You you don't think okay.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: What if I punch her?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I so so I do, okay, I take pictures of the sink now.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I take pictures, I take pictures, I have, I have a folder of the sink.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I use it, I take a picture now just to have evidence that it's not dirty because it's it's making me lose my f- Okay, do you want to look at it?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Clean?
• 7:52
  unknown: Yeah, it's pretty clean.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty clean and his and his agent, okay?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's just clean, it's fucking clean.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I take pictures of the sink.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I I here's about he texts me, you made a mess in the sink, and I send him that picture.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I go, where?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Where?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, You can't see it because the toothpaste is the same color.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'm gonna kill you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think about killing him.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think about stabbing him in the neck over the sink so it fills with blood.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I can go, you made a mess in the sink, bro.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel so much rage.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I did.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a new system.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the toothbrush bucket.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And what it is a bucket from from Lowe's where I brush my teeth into it, and hello sharks.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what the way the way it works is it's connected to my window, and there's a tube that I taped to the inside of the bucket so it goes out the tube outside.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's very clean.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Look, it you know, it makes me wonder about who won the divorce.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because I talked to my ex-wife, and she said she's been meditating and she's never felt better about herself.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, I'm naked in my room, like, I got the fucking bucket.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to defeat my fucking roommate, dude.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's it's harder to date with the bucket, but it does make life easier in other ways.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I will say that.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I dude, dating is different now too, since the divorce.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's new terms, like love bombing is a new that wasn't around when I first got married.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I I had to learn about it.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Love bombing is a girl was telling me it's like when a man is way too affectionate up front and says he loves you and wants to get married to you and all this sweet stuff.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And she's saying this to me, and I'm like, you're just describing how Arab men flirt.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's our only move is I want family with you.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What is your name?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how we say hello.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's honestly kind of racist that it's called love bombing.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a little fucked up.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: A little on the nose.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: But we're dumb.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: All men are dumb, you know?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Penises are the dumbest body part.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like the rest of the body is intelligent, it works together.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can't tickle yourself.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is like, that's us.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't choke yourself.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain's like, we need oxygen stop.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then you put one hand on your own dick and it's like, who is this?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hi guys, I'm It's my Louis.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it up for breath.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, bud.