Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1266 - Prawns, Perspective & Parenting: Why the Silly Moments Matter Most

Transcript

#1266 - Prawns, Perspective & Parenting: Why the Silly Moments Matter Most · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions.
0:09
Speaker 1: Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
0:12
Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. It's Friday. I feel like saying, frya.
0:17
Speaker 1: I know that that's really cringe. If our children were
0:20
Speaker 1: hearing that, and in fact, if anyone's hearing that, they
0:22
Speaker 1: might have decided to stop. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Kylie,
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Speaker 1: help me rescue me. What should I say? Fee, No, Nick,
0:30
Speaker 1: I'd double down on it. That was terrible. All right,
0:33
Speaker 1: here's what we do every Friday in the pod for
0:34
Speaker 1: those of you who may be new. Great thing about
0:37
Speaker 1: what I do for work is it's so gratifying. I
0:39
Speaker 1: get to travel around the country give talks. Everywhere, people
0:41
Speaker 1: clap and say how much I've helped their families. It's wonderful,
0:43
Speaker 1: and many people will say I listen to the podcast
0:46
Speaker 1: every day. Just recently, a couple of weeks ago, I
0:48
Speaker 1: was in Perth. A man and his wife handed me
0:51
Speaker 1: a letter and it was just basically saying we and
0:54
Speaker 1: he mad, sure, Justin, this is for you and Kylie
0:56
Speaker 1: like they were really really explicit, this isn't just for you?
0:59
Speaker 1: This is for both of you, and the letter was
1:01
Speaker 1: basically them saying we love the podcast. It helps us
1:03
Speaker 1: so much. A couple of weeks ago, I got an
1:06
Speaker 1: email from a mum who we featured on the podcast.
1:10
Speaker 1: She sent us a voice note to podcasts at Happy
1:12
Speaker 1: Families dot com dot IU, and we offered some advice
1:15
Speaker 1: on one of our Tricky Tuesday podcasts. Here's what she said, Kylie.
1:19
Speaker 1: She said, hearing my voice on today's podcast shocked me.
1:22
Speaker 1: I had to listen to the episode a few times
1:24
Speaker 1: just to digest it fully. I like that. I think
1:27
Speaker 1: everyone should listen to all of our episodes a few times.
1:29
Speaker 1: That's good, isn't it right. We're saying stuff that's so deep,
1:32
Speaker 1: so meaningful, need a few listeners.
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Speaker 2: No, I think it's just hearing your own voice. If
1:36
Speaker 2: it's not something you used to it really really disconcern.
1:40
Speaker 1: She was saying. I had to listen to it so
1:42
Speaker 1: that I could get used to my voice. She said,
1:43
Speaker 1: I had to listen to digest the podcasts anyway.
1:46
Speaker 2: That's because she was still caught up on the fact
1:48
Speaker 2: that she'd heard hersell.
1:50
Speaker 1: Since attending your talk at my kids' school, I signed
1:52
Speaker 1: up for the Happy Families Membership. I wanted to write
1:54
Speaker 1: so many times, off and out of sadness, burnout and
1:56
Speaker 1: pairing overwhelm, but I never did Today not only to
2:00
Speaker 1: thank you, but also to share more about my daughter.
2:03
Speaker 1: Your work has become part of my everyday life. I
2:06
Speaker 1: listen to your podcast while walking the dog, your webinars
2:09
Speaker 1: while working, and I've replaced Netflix at night with your books.
2:12
Speaker 1: At first, it felt like a cold shower, realizing how
2:14
Speaker 1: many mistakes I'd made despite trying so hard to be
2:17
Speaker 1: the perfect mother. I've read many parenting books, but yours
2:20
Speaker 1: have truly helped me to turn things around. I've started
2:22
Speaker 1: using the three e's, staying calm and focusing on connection.
2:25
Speaker 1: I'm not perfect, and there's still a long road ahead,
2:27
Speaker 1: especially when the kids are rude or dismissive, but I
2:30
Speaker 1: feel hope again. Thank you for helping me reconnect and
2:33
Speaker 1: find a better path forward. Your work is making a
2:35
Speaker 1: real difference in our family. Thank you from the heart
2:37
Speaker 1: and PS. I'm reading this Connection and the Parenting Revolution
2:40
Speaker 1: at the same time.
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Speaker 2: She's hardcore.
2:43
Speaker 1: So now I know that some people might listen to
2:45
Speaker 1: me read that out and say, oh my goodness, I'm
2:47
Speaker 1: listening to this podcast so this guy can pat himself
2:48
Speaker 1: on the back. That's actually exactly the opposite. I'm reading
2:52
Speaker 1: it out because it means so much to you and
2:55
Speaker 1: I to know that we're actually being helpful. And if
3:00
Speaker 1: you're new to the podcast, that's our promise. We want
3:02
Speaker 1: to be helpful. We want to give you real pairing
3:04
Speaker 1: solutions every day, the sort of things that you don't
3:06
Speaker 1: want to miss the podcast for because it can really
3:09
Speaker 1: make a difference.
3:11
Speaker 2: So much of family life feels really hard. You feel
3:14
Speaker 2: like you're in the trenches, and often we can't see
3:18
Speaker 2: the light. And one of the things that you and
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Speaker 2: I value so much is having that sense of hope.
3:26
Speaker 2: We've used the word many times, the idea that we
3:29
Speaker 2: could be hope builders, that we could just elevate your
3:33
Speaker 2: thinking enough to realize that while you're in the thick
3:36
Speaker 2: of it, it's not always going to be like that,
3:38
Speaker 2: and there are solutions.
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Speaker 1: Speaking of being in the thick of it, and that
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Speaker 1: there is hope. My Old do Better Tomorrow is not
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Speaker 1: actually about Anna, because that's anis old Better Tomorrow. Rather,
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Speaker 1: it's about what we did last weekend. And I know
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Speaker 1: that there's a whole lot of other stuff that we
3:55
Speaker 1: could talk about. But this was just so meaningful to
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Speaker 1: me that I really want this to be our conversation today.
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Speaker 1: We had the opportunity to go down to the Gold
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Speaker 1: Coast and celebrate my mum and dad's fiftieth wedding anniversary,
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Speaker 1: which is such a milestone. I mean, fifty years. Is
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Speaker 1: that the gold wedding anniversary? Yeah? Okay, I should have
4:12
Speaker 1: given them something old. I should have given them a
4:14
Speaker 1: given him a pineapple, given him a fifty.
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Speaker 2: I didn't Are you going to say two dollars?
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Speaker 1: I didn't give them something? What did I? Oh, that's right.
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Speaker 1: I bought a ridiculous expensive cake.
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Speaker 2: That's what we laced in gold.
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Speaker 1: You felt like the amount of money. Anyway, here's the
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Speaker 1: point that I wanted to make. First some background. Mum
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Speaker 1: and Dad met for the first time on the Gold Coast.
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Speaker 1: I don't know if it was schoolers or around maybe
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Speaker 1: there was a year after schoolers or something like that,
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Speaker 1: but they're on the Gold Coast. Mom's gone into this
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Speaker 1: Chinese restaurant. She's hanging out with the friends. My dad
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Speaker 1: walks in with a couple of his friends. He knows
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Speaker 1: a girl that's sitting with Mum. So they start chatting
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Speaker 1: and my mom is looking at my dad. This is
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Speaker 1: really uncomfortable for me to say this, but my mom's
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Speaker 1: looking at my dad going haba, haba, like I think
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Speaker 1: he's pretty hot. And then they get talking and my dad,
5:02
Speaker 1: this is even more embarrassing to share. My dad orders
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Speaker 1: prawns and tomato sauce for dinner, which I mean, who
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Speaker 1: does that? Who does that happens even on the menu.
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Speaker 1: My mum and literally was like, who does that? But
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Speaker 1: she was so enamored by my dad that he only
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Speaker 1: stayed for a few minutes ate some prawns and tomato sauce,
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Speaker 1: didn't even finish them, all left them. She ate them
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Speaker 1: in I don't believe. I mean, this is terrible. But
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Speaker 1: then a few weeks later, back in western Sydney they
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Speaker 1: grew up in that Auburn Granville area for those of
5:32
Speaker 1: you who are familiar with the geography, They bumped into
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Speaker 1: each other at a dance and that set it all off.
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Speaker 1: And now six children and like eighteen or twenty grandchildren later,
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Speaker 1: and a couple of great grandkids. Mom and Dad celebrating
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Speaker 1: their fiftieth wedding anniversary, and Mum has lined it up
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Speaker 1: the restaurant that existed back in the nineteen seventies no
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Speaker 1: longer exists. But she's lined up this little, cool and
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Speaker 1: gatta Chinese restaurant that literally only has room for about
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Speaker 1: twenty people in it. We'd like to come in, we
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Speaker 1: want to visit, we want to relive the moment. And
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Speaker 1: they literally ordered prawns and tomato sauce, discuss it was inedible.
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Speaker 1: In fact, overwhelmingly it wasn't the best Chinese meal we've
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Speaker 1: ever had in our lives.
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Speaker 2: But what's so funny about this story you missed? The
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Speaker 2: punchline was that she didn't even remember meeting him at
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Speaker 2: the Chinese store. It wasn't until they had been dating
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Speaker 2: for a period of time. They went to a Chinese
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Speaker 2: restaurant and.
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Speaker 1: Dad ordered bronze and tomato sauce, and she went, hang.
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Speaker 2: On a sec, were you at the Chinese restaurant? And
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Speaker 2: he was like, yeah, that was me.
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Speaker 1: So here's my older better tomorrow point. The meta point.
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Speaker 1: Mom and dad were there with unfortunately one of the
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Speaker 1: kids couldn't make it, but they were there with five
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Speaker 1: of their six kids. There's me, then twin sisters, then
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Speaker 1: my brother, then twin sisters. So five of the six kids,
6:51
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of grandkids and even a great grandchild
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Speaker 1: was there as well, And for them to sit there
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Speaker 1: and reminisce talk about their meeting, talk about the events
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Speaker 1: leading up to their marriage and the birth of these children.
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Speaker 2: And didn't just talk about it again you miss in
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Speaker 2: all the details. They actually got you guys reenacting it.
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Speaker 1: So mum goes, I want to reenact this, and she's
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Speaker 1: saying this to me and my brother. So here's what
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Speaker 1: we're going to do. Dad's going to walk into the
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Speaker 1: restaurant talking to you guys, and you're going to be
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Speaker 1: his mates, and I'm going to be here talking to
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Speaker 1: one of my sisters. She's going to be my girlfriend
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Speaker 1: that I'm hanging out with, and then Dad's going to
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Speaker 1: start talking to her, and then he's going to meet me,
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Speaker 1: and he's going to eat the prawns and tomato sauce
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Speaker 1: like they're making us do a reenactment. My brother's looking
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Speaker 1: at me, rolling his eyes, going, you're going to be
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Speaker 1: kidding me. This is bonkers. And yet and yet here
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Speaker 1: we are a week later and we're talking about it
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Speaker 1: and we're laughing about it because it's about the relationship.
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Speaker 1: It's about the memories, it's about the conversations, it's about
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Speaker 1: the sharing. It doesn't matter how dumb it is, how
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Speaker 1: silly it is, how ridiculous you look. You're having these experiences,
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Speaker 1: you're building these bonds, you're sharing these memories. And yes,
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Speaker 1: this is a fiftieth and most people who are listening
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Speaker 1: to this are not thinking about fiftieth wedding anniversaries. But
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Speaker 1: whatever you're doing with your kids, make a moment of it.
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Speaker 1: Do re enactments, do role plays, Do do those things
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Speaker 1: where the kids say, oh, I want to do a play,
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Speaker 1: and you're like, fine, we'll stop our meal and we
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Speaker 1: will watch you while you act something out that you
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Speaker 1: have not prepared, that you don't have a script for,
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Speaker 1: and that you've got no idea what you're going to
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Speaker 1: do or say. But we're going to do that. We're
8:24
Speaker 1: going to watch you, and we're going to applaud anyway.
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Speaker 1: Why because we're building these memories, these bonds, these experiences,
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Speaker 1: these connections, and one day, fifty years down the track,
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Speaker 1: you might just look at each other and say, do
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Speaker 1: you remember that night, Do you remember that experience? Do
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Speaker 1: you remember that thing we did? And everyone's going to say, oh, yeah,
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Speaker 1: that was the worst, but you're going to laugh about it.
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Speaker 1: The memory is going to be emblazoned on your mind.
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Speaker 1: That is the stuff of families. We think that we're
8:53
Speaker 1: supposed to have perfect families. Brawnze and tomato sauce is
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Speaker 1: not a perfect dish. And honestly, the meal that we
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Speaker 1: eight as a family last Friday night. I'm probably not
9:03
Speaker 1: going to go to that Chinese restaurant again, no offense.
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Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be a food snob or anything
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Speaker 1: like that. I might be a little bit of one.
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Speaker 1: I'm not going back there. But forever now we will
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Speaker 1: remember that night when we sat there with Mum and
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Speaker 1: Dad celebrated their fiftieth acted out the role, watched them
9:18
Speaker 1: literally scrunch up their noses as they tried doing the
9:21
Speaker 1: front and tomatoes as and ultimately just left it on
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Speaker 1: the table. We're going to laugh about it. And how
9:26
Speaker 1: then we walked outside it was freezing. We went and
9:28
Speaker 1: got the gelados, and then our daughter decided that she
9:32
Speaker 1: wanted to have a pizza from Dominoes across the road
9:34
Speaker 1: because she didn't need enough Chinese, because she didn't like
9:36
Speaker 1: the Chinese, like all those things are going to come back,
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Speaker 1: and I just think there's so much joy to be
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Speaker 1: found as we just live family life and we're all in,
9:46
Speaker 1: we're fully committed. We make it work and ideally in
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Speaker 1: a perfect world in spite of the bumps and bruises
9:52
Speaker 1: and challenges along the way. We stick it out so
9:55
Speaker 1: that we can be sitting around that table in fifty
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Speaker 1: years and say, look at what the last fifty years
10:00
Speaker 1: we've built. And it's got nothing to do with the
10:02
Speaker 1: size of your house or the holidays you go on.
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Speaker 1: It's about the hearts of the people sitting around that table.
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Speaker 2: You give me the feels good good.
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Speaker 1: That's the point. Okay, so Kylie, I'll do better tomorrow.
10:20
Speaker 1: Let's hear it from you. What is the thing that
10:23
Speaker 1: you've either been intentional about or the inside that you've
10:25
Speaker 1: had to build a stronger and happier family.
10:27
Speaker 2: One of our daughters has had a bit of a crush.
10:31
Speaker 2: And when I say a bit of a crush, it's been.
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Speaker 2: It's been big.
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Speaker 1: When you're a teenager, every crush is big, eternal love
10:39
Speaker 1: forever like it is big, it's.
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Speaker 2: Huge, And recently she came to the awareness that it
10:45
Speaker 2: wasn't reciprocated, and all the emotions were felt in one moment,
10:53
Speaker 2: and that moment might have lasted for a long time.
10:56
Speaker 2: I think we're still might be feeling the effects of it. Yeah.
11:00
Speaker 1: Week down the track, Yeah, it's been a rough week.
11:02
Speaker 2: And I was having a conversation with one of my
11:03
Speaker 2: good friends and I was just saying, I just I
11:08
Speaker 2: don't understand it. It's so big, and it feels so
11:11
Speaker 2: disproportionate to what she's experienced because there wasn't even a
11:16
Speaker 2: relationship there. I would have expected based on what she
11:19
Speaker 2: was feeling, that she'd been in a relationship for two years,
11:23
Speaker 2: they thought they were going to get married. Like this
11:25
Speaker 2: has been really big. It has literally stopped her in.
11:28
Speaker 1: A trap, robbed a world.
11:31
Speaker 2: And she looked at me and she just said, oh
11:34
Speaker 2: my gosh, I love your daughter. She said she feels
11:37
Speaker 2: things so big, and I said, yeah, you're telling me.
11:42
Speaker 2: And then she she looked at me and she said,
11:43
Speaker 2: you know, when she finds her man, she said, he
11:46
Speaker 2: is going to be the luckiest person on the world,
11:49
Speaker 2: in the world, because she will love him fiercely. And
11:54
Speaker 2: it was just this moment where I sat back and
11:57
Speaker 2: I went, oh, how is it that it's taken my friend,
12:02
Speaker 2: with her perspective, to shift the frustration that I was
12:06
Speaker 2: feeling at this kid who's feeling these massive emotions, and
12:10
Speaker 2: she's just changed my tune in a heartbeat. The idea
12:15
Speaker 2: that our kids will have these big emotions feel inconvenient
12:19
Speaker 2: at times in our lives, and we often don't recognize
12:24
Speaker 2: the magnitude of them for them. And I just love
12:28
Speaker 2: that my friend was able to rearrange things in my
12:31
Speaker 2: brain and help me to see this gorgeous, amazing young
12:36
Speaker 2: woman for the beautiful qualities that she has. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm reading a book by Ethan Cross, University of
12:42
Speaker 1: Michigan researcher. We had him on the podcast while back
12:46
Speaker 1: talking about his book Chatter The internal voice that we have.
12:48
Speaker 1: This one's called Shift. It's about our emotions, and one
12:52
Speaker 1: of the things that he really highlights is that if
12:54
Speaker 1: we want to shift our emotions, if we're in a
12:56
Speaker 1: heightened emotion state, sometimes what we need is perspective. We
12:59
Speaker 1: need to literally change our position, and that might mean
13:04
Speaker 1: that we go for a walk, or we move back
13:07
Speaker 1: a couple of meters, or that we create some space.
13:10
Speaker 1: But sometimes it's just getting another person's voice in our
13:14
Speaker 1: head and this beautiful different perspective as we've lived through
13:19
Speaker 1: the emotional roller coaster. Actually it's been an emotional earthquake.
13:24
Speaker 1: It hasn't been a roller coaster. As we move through
13:26
Speaker 1: the emotional earthquake of the last week, we've kind of
13:30
Speaker 1: gotten to the point where we're going, we are starting
13:33
Speaker 1: to become a bit annoyed with this human that lives
13:35
Speaker 1: in our home. And then you hear that perspective, and
13:38
Speaker 1: you go, ah, we love this kid so much, and
13:41
Speaker 1: we'd forgotten about all of the beautiful attributes and qualities
13:45
Speaker 1: that she brings, those characteristics that light us up about her.
13:49
Speaker 2: But I think it's more than that. I think it's
13:51
Speaker 2: the recognition that the very qualities that drive us crazy
13:53
Speaker 2: about people, when seen from a different perspective, are actually
13:57
Speaker 2: the things that make that person who they are. Love
14:00
Speaker 2: this here's this kid with this massive heart and this
14:03
Speaker 2: capacity to love so deeply.
14:06
Speaker 1: Well, we really hope that the insights and the ideas
14:08
Speaker 1: that we shared with you in today's Friday edition of
14:11
Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast will help you to have a
14:14
Speaker 1: different perspective on the way that you're viewing relationships, especially
14:18
Speaker 1: if they're tough and tricky. The long game is the
14:20
Speaker 1: game that matters, and your kids really do have some
14:23
Speaker 1: characteristics and attributes that are noteworthy and delightful and that
14:28
Speaker 1: can and really do bring joy. Thank you so much
14:31
Speaker 1: for listening to The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by
14:33
Speaker 1: Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Have a wonderful weekend, spend
14:36
Speaker 1: time kids, be loved to. Im Me spend time with
14:39
Speaker 1: your kids this weekend, and we'll be back on Monday
14:41
Speaker 1: with more from the Happy Families podcasts.