Latest / Motherhood Uncut / 3 Steps To Calm Amidst The Chaos | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 5 Episode 12 | SEASON FINALE

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3 Steps To Calm Amidst The Chaos | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 5 Episode 12 | SEASON FINALE · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Kate Kripke and welcome to the Motherhood Uncut podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are committed to making sure that nobody ever needs to mother alone.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: We bring to you wherever you are the conversations that we need to have to survive and thrive in motherhood, but so often keep silent about the things that make us laugh, cry, celebrate, rage about, and reflect on, the things that bring tears of sorrow and tears of joy, confusion and wonder, fear and gratitude.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We want you to feel good about your mothering and to feel supported along the often clunky adventure of life as a mom.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: In Motherhood Uncut, you can expect eye-opening conversations with experts in parenting, mental health, and women's health, as well as moving and inspiring conversations with moms who are out there paving the way for their children.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You'll likely agree with some of what you hear and also disagree with some of what you hear.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: All we ask is this that you come with an open mind and boatloads of compassion for yourself and mothers everywhere.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of wine or a cup of tea, put on your walking or running shoes, turn up the volume in your car during your commute or the pickup line at school.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just show up and mother of us, we have got you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: These tools and strategies, when practiced, work to build psychological resilience that leads to mental health as well as secure attachment building between moms and their kids.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: This month our topic was finding calm amidst the chaos, and we've decided to air that conversation here as a podcast episode so that you too can benefit.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: This 30-minute episode will leave you with a concrete plan for what you can do when you're in the middle of those chaotic moments with your kids when you feel like you're about to lose it, so that you don't.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is our last episode of the season.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Currently, I'm making my way from Japan through Sri Lanka and France and then back home to Boulder, Colorado.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back here at Motherhood Uncut in late August with more exciting, moving, and inspirational conversations for you.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: We've decided to replay a couple of our most popular episodes between now and then.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So stay tuned for those oldies but goodies.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And for now, let's dive in.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, who doesn't want a way to stay calm in those hectic mom moments?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed, or anxious, I want you to take just a moment and ask yourself a hard but very valuable question.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been tending to your own needs?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is no, put your hand on your heart and remember this.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you're feeling those things.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're moving through life and mothering from a place of depletion, you will feel exhausted and anxious.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how it works.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you aren't feeding your brain with what it needs to stay resilient to stress, you simply won't be resilient to stress.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're a frequent listener of this podcast, then you know that my positioning on this is clear and fierce.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: We simply cannot be good moms if we aren't taking care of ourselves first.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by a good mom?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm referring to is your capacity to stay steady and patient, to allow for your child to have their valid emotions and to show up as the mom that feels safe for them to come to when they're struggling.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: When you are mothering well, you are responding and not reacting.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're setting clear boundaries and holding limits while also remaining curious about what your child is feeling and experiencing.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're anything like me, like a human, then you simply can't do those things when you haven't rested and slept, when you aren't eating well, when you aren't hydrated, when you aren't breathing full deep breaths, when you aren't moving your body in some capacity, when you're not connecting with friends, and when you aren't taking time to recharge.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: My Aligned Mama Reset 21-day Wellness Challenge is set up to kickstart new habits that will tend to your brain and well-being in service of your kids so that you can respond rather than react, so that you can be patient, think through challenges and find solutions, and stay connected to your kiddo in the process, and of course, so that you can feel better.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is my easy-to-access low-cost support option, and it's here for you.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: The link is in the bio.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood Uncut Podcast is sponsored by the One Clock.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is a clock that is actually like one of those clocks that you're gonna forever think.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: The one clock is built all on wake science.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: What is the best way for your nervous system to wake up in the morning?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And with the help of researchers, Grammy Award-winning musicians, and a whole lot of beautiful style, this one clock is a sure way to get you back on track towards health and wellness.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn more at oneclock.co.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we've all been in those moments as moms where we need to get something done.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's like dinner time or it's bedtime, or maybe we're trying to get out the door in the morning.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this could be the case whether you have a newborn baby or teenagers, like in my case.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: But it is that situation where you can feel your blood pressure rising, right?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel your blood pressure rising.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you start to feel just emotionally uncomfortable.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're feeling anger, and maybe that's even bordering on rage, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're just feeling really irritable, or maybe you're like so touched out and so full that you know that if the if someone says the wrong thing, or if your kid reaches out reach out to you in the wrong way, you're just gonna lose it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give you something to do in those moments so that you don't lose it.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're anything like me, you're gonna say something that you don't mean or yell, and then you're gonna, it's easy to cycle about how guilty you are about that thing for a long time and maybe even not get much sleep later.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I have never met a woman that doesn't want to be a good mom, by the way.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have never met a woman that doesn't want to be a good mom.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also known that a lot of times when we lose it, when we're at the end of the rope, our rope, we feel like terrible moms.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the deal before we go any farther.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are not a terrible mom when you lose your shit.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So let's move that sort of limiting belief that we're horrible mothers out of the way because what you are is human, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, what our kids need most when they're really struggling is our steadiness and our stability.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: We know that, which is why we beat ourselves up later.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it is true that when our baby is crying or our toddler is freaking out, or our teenager is having a hard time, that what they really need most from us in those moments is for us to be steady.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say struggling or having a hard time, I mean it could be anything like they're freaking out because they are having a hard time with homework if they're older.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it could mean that they're just a baby and they're crying and they don't know why, and we don't know why.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: But those are those moments where if we can find a way to stay calm and steady and keep that frontal cortex, which is rational thinking, logical thinking, creativity, curiosity, problem solving, if we can keep this part of our brain on and quiet down the part of our brain that's a fight, flate, or freeze part of our brain, if we can do that, we will be able to move through those sticky situations with our kids.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: If we go from zero to 10 really quickly, if we let that frustration or disappointment or anger or irritability build without taking care of ourselves and those emotions, if we start to feel annoyed or angry or disappointed and then beat ourselves up for those feelings, we are actually going to lose control of our actions.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to put something into place in the earliest signs when we begin to bubble up in order for us to do what we want to do most, which is show up as the mom we want to be.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, we also just want to feel good because it feels like crap when we lose our shit.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, if you've ever met me before, I tend to swear a lot.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So forgive me.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that's what happens when I get all worked up here.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know that thing when you are in a room and suddenly the sunlight comes through the room and you see all of these like um dust particles in the air, and you realize that you are breathing in that dust all the time, and your mind kind of blows because when you can't see it, you don't think about it, but suddenly you see the sunlight come in and you see all that dust, and you just can't believe you're breathing it in.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's what uncertainty and unpredictability is like in motherhood and emotional discomfort.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's there all the time.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, unpredictability, uncertainty, emotional discomfort, it just exists in the air.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so we need to learn a different way to respond to those moments so that we can what I'm gonna call tolerate, we can tolerate those things that are going nowhere.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us, when we were young, were taught, either directly or indirectly, that emotional discomfort, unpredictability, uncertainty were not safe.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you on Instagram, I've actually got some folks over here on Zoom, so I'm not looking at you, but I'm with you.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So many of us were taught early on that those experiences were not safe, that in order for us to be okay, we needed to make sure that things were predictable, certain, and that we felt good emotionally.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: If that is how we were brought up in this world by our parents or our teachers or our grandparents, or maybe even just culture in general, if that's the way we are brought up in this world, when we have those moments where we begin to realize that things are unpredictable or uncertain, or we begin to feel emotionally uncomfortable, we're gonna actually, it's like putting kerosene on the fire.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna up the ante of danger with those things and we're gonna quickly go from maybe a zero, one, or two or three up to a 10 very quickly.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that's gonna happen is that we're gonna put into practice in those moments all the things that we've learned to do in our life that have helped us to feel and stay safe, like problem solving, organizing, managing, maybe micromanaging.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna try to put those things into action when we're beginning to feel uncomfortable.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in motherhood, in the hard moments, that doesn't work.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: What we need most in those moments is to learn how to slow down.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: We need to learn how to feel our feet on the floor and to stay steady in those really uncomfortable moments so that we can move through to the other side.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the thing in adulthood, most of the time, uncertainty, unpredictability, and emotional discomfort is not dangerous.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing bad is gonna happen.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's real inconvenient, it's real uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to teach our nervous system and our thinking something different in those moments.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Frontal cortex, limbic brain, rational thinking, logical thinking, problem solving, creativity, back of our brain, fight, flight, or freeze, these two parts of our brain are never online, say at the same time.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if we want to stay in the part of our brain that's gonna help us stay rational and solve problems and get through hard moments, we have to learn how to quiet down the part of our brain that's in fight, flight, or freeze.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So before I give you your little three-step package to take with you, I want to tell you three important things.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, curiosity and wonder keeps our frontal cortex alive and awake.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So when we are curious and when we are in a state of wonder, we will be calm from a nervous system perspective.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: When we are projecting or judging or in a fear-based reaction mode, we're gonna be back here in fight, flight, or freeze.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the quickest ways to shift from fight, fight, or fight, flight, or freeze to frontal cortex is to get curious.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I want to tell you is that you only have control of two things your own thoughts and your own actions.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that is it.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when we start to feel frazzled, when we start to feel at the end of our rope, when we get touched out, when we get emotionally uncomfortable, usually most of us will try to control the things outside of us.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids' behavior, how our kids feel, how the the mess in the house, the you know, the whatever the thing is.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And at a in a in the large concept to remember is that we can't control those things.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: So the more we try to control them, the more out of control we're gonna feel.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Only two things we can control are our own thoughts and our own actions.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that we can control is our breath.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're looking for a feeling of agency in those hard moments.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're looking for an experience of being in control, having control, and also uh having control and also having choice.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're looking for.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the one of the quickest ways to get that is to go inside and steady and slow our breath.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a breath pattern that I want you to try.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to try breathing in for a state of three or four, and breathing out for a beat longer.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna do it together for a moment.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to breathe in for three wherever you are, breathe in for one, two, two, three, and breathe out for four.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: One, two, three, two, and four.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it again.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe in for three, one, two, two, two, and three.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: One, two, two, and three, two, and four.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think I might be on, I think I might be in mute in uh in Instagram.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that's not happening.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm seeing something over here.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait, am I on mute?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I hope I'm not, but I'm I'm just gonna keep going.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so what I want you to know is that our when your exhale is a little bit longer than your inhale, you are sending, not on mute.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, you guys.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: When you breathe out a beat longer than your you breathe in, but that exhale is a little longer than your inhale, you are instantly sending a message to your brain that you're safe and that nothing bad is happening.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You take three or four of those breaths and your nervous system is gonna settle pretty quickly.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really helpful to have a breath pattern so that even when the outside world is chaotic and unpredictable and uncertain, you can find calm predictability and certainty on the inside.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: That realization of having that agency is gonna shift things in your nervous system very, very quickly.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I want to teach you before I give you this little three-step package, this thing that I want you to leave with is self-compassion.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Very few of us are taught self-compassion.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the data is so clear, you guys.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: When we are self-critical, when we are beating ourselves up, when we're using words like you should know better, what's wrong with you, we actually stop our process of growing.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us were taught to be critical with ourselves because somewhere along the way, we were taught that if we don't push ourselves really hard, we're gonna get stuck and we won't be good enough.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: But self-compassion, which really is the definition of needing ourselves where we are in the moment, very quickly settles our nervous system.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: When we go from zero to 10, when we react instead of respond, in many ways we are abandoning ourselves in those hard moments where we are struggling.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: So learning how to access self-compassion is a very important part of staying calm in the hardest moments.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look and sound like?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: It literally looks like putting your hand on your heart and feeling your feet on the floor and taking a deep breath and reminding yourself that you are human.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like, of course, I'm feeling like I'm about to snap.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone needs me in this moment.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm feeling anxious.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a meeting and my kiddo is taking a long time to get out the door.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm feeling frustrated.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: My kid won't go to sleep and I am exhausted.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those real life human moments make sense, you guys.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: They make sense, and the feelings are never the problem.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: What we do with those feelings, or we do what we do to get away with those feelings, can be problematic.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where our behavior, our yelling, our snapping, the things that keep us up late later because we feel guilty, that's where those things come in.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: They are our attempt to get away from the feeling.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: The feeling themselves will always make sense.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So self-compassion is always going to be an anecdote to things like shame.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we have, what did we have there?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: We had curiosity and wonder, really important to keep our frontal cortex, our rational thinking problem solving alive.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: We have breath, that slow, steady breath, where your exhale is longer than your inhale.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we have self-compassion.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Those three things are going to get you through any hard moment.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you on um Zoom, I have a slide to share with you.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I will post this in um Instagram or sorry, in uh, yeah, I'll post this in Instagram so that those of you who want to see it live can do that.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: But let me get back to Zoom and share my screen.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Here we go.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: And here is your four-step process.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Look, I'm like multitasking, so I gotta close this out.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we go.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of losing it, I want you to wait.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: W A I T.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what we do.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: W wonder.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling right now?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: We skip this part, you guys.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: We are often not even paying attention in those moments.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: We are so frazzled, frazzled, we're so focused on like getting our kid out the door or getting our kid to sleep or getting dinner done or whatever that thing is, getting through the hard conversation that we don't pause and wonder what's happening for me internally right now.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like literally, how am I feeling inside my body?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Is my throat tight?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is my chest tight?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Am I having a hard time breathing?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Am I clenching my jaw?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: The moment you wonder and get curious about how you're feeling is the moment you begin to shift from fight, flight, or freeze to frontal cortex.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Again, we need this part of the brain to get through those hard moments.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: So W is wonder.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: A is adjust.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Adjust your breathing.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Pick up that breath pattern where your exhale is a little bit longer than your inhale.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Inhale for three, exhale for four.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever breath pattern you want, but a long inhale and a longer exhale.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: So first you've checked in how am I actually feeling?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Then you've adjusted your breath pattern.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then I implement self-compassion.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Put your hand on your heart.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: I've like learned sometimes.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: My kids will know when I'm having a hard time, my teenagers, because they'll look at me and I'll have my hand on my heart.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh yeah, she's like meeting herself where she is, right?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: We have all kinds of weird.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: When you have a mom who's a therapist and a coach, you either walk away with a lot of tools that are gonna help you for the rest of your life, or you walk away like fed up.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, probably 50-50.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself, of course, I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm gonna tell you right now, it always makes sense.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: W, wonder, how am I feeling?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: A, adjust, adjust your breath.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I implement self compassion.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you do those three things, you will quiet that limbic brain, turn on your frontal cortex, and T, you'll be able to tolerate this hard moment, stay in your frontal cortex so that you can decide what to do next.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Usually, what to do next is going to look and sound like getting down at your kid's level.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, we I talk about this on Instagram all the time.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get down on your kids' level.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect what you see.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: You are really hungry.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: You need me and want me to play with you right now.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, I got five more minutes till I can get dinner on the table, or we got to get out the door, or whatever it is.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: But when you approach that from a place of calm, when you are calm, your children will borrow your calm.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the way it works.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: So we can't do anything next that's going to work in those moments until we calm ourselves down first.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to wait, wonder, adjust, implement.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And from that place, you're going to tolerate the hard moment so that you can move through.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your little packaged up thing to do.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, this works in the hardest moments.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm wondering if anyone has any questions.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know this has been a little clunky tech-wise today.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: I got a couple chats here, so let me see what's coming up in Zoom.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Would this work for intrusive thoughts too?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: As I guess sometimes it's best to just completely ignore them when you're being compassionate to yourself, et cetera.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, great question.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Ignoring intrusive thoughts from where I sit doesn't really work.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ignoring anything doesn't really work.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: The more we say, I'm just not going to think about it, the louder those thoughts get.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of like if you're sitting in your living room and there's like a little knock at the door and you're like, I'm just going to not pay attention to that knock.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And whoever's at the door really has something to say and they knock louder and louder and louder.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sooner it's like you can't think about anything else because the knock is so loud.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ignoring things usually won't work, whether you're trying to ignore your feelings or your thoughts, right?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: So with intrusive thoughts, really, by the way, intrusive thoughts are caused by a number of different things.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: They can be a very biochemical, it can really be biochemical in our brain.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Usually, if not almost always, intrusive thoughts come out of a place of fear of uncertainty.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: In my work, I'm going to come back to this over and over and over again.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when we learn to have a different kind of relationship with uncertainty, those intrusive thoughts will lessen.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Intrusive thoughts, by the way, for anyone who's listening that has never had them, many of us, most of us have, are scary thoughts, often usually of harm.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're usually thoughts of sort of what if or catastrophic thinking that just come out of nowhere and are really hard to let go of.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what can happen when we're having intrusive thoughts is that we can kind of get uh, we can micromanage, right?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: We can get pretty obsessive and compulsive in our behaviors because we're responding or reacting usually to those intrusive thoughts.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my answer to that.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this can be very helpful for intrusive thoughts because intrusive thoughts come from a fight, flight, or freeze place.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're not rational.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when I say wonder what I'm feeling, I'm not asking you to wonder what you're thinking.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our thoughts and our feelings are two different things.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: They impact each other, but we can manage them differently.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want to want, I want you to wonder what you're feeling in your body, right?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like my belly's turned, my jaw is tight, my heart is racing, my my breath is shallow.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're talking about.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Wonder how you're feeling.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: How am I feeling?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Adjust your breathing, implement self-compassion.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I'm feeling this way.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm having that thought, of course I'm feeling this way.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Our thoughts lead to the way we feel.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if I'm having intrusive thoughts, I am going to feel anxious and scared.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion is so important around intrusive thoughts.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I say tolerate discomfort, right?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: That means we're learning to tolerate not knowing.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to tolerate all these things in life that we actually can't control.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: But when we can stay in our frontal cortex and do that, we're going to have a lot, a lot more access to problem solving.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess another thing I want to say about this is, you know, uh intentional distraction so that we don't think about those things is really helpful.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: Go for a walk, take a shower, call a friend, listen to music, that type of thing to get ourselves out of that thinking and into something that's going to help us feel better is very useful.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: But yes, KJC, I don't know what your first name is, but yes, we need to calm our nervous system first.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if this helps with that question.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great question.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: This weight in those moments, that this acronym WAIT, Wonder, Adjust, Implement to Tolerate is going to help in any moment where our fight, flight, or freeze nervous system is turned on.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: Glad that was helpful.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: What other questions do folks have about how do you implement this?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: When does this work?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do I do if?
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy I have a couple more minutes here, so I'm happy to answer any other questions.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Again, as we wrap up here, what I want you to remember is that when we are activated in our nervous systems, when we are acting from a hard, reactive place, nothing good is going to come next.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to slow ourselves down first.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: Shar says this couldn't have come at a better moment for me.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've just put my four-year-old twins down to bed and it spiraled out of control and I didn't respond well.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel more equipped now.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many times this type of situation has come in handy for me when my kids were young.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I've been working at this for a long time.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are now 15 and 17, but those nights when we're trying to get our kids to bed and we are done, done, done.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And our kids are fighting and they are asking for more books or they're freaking out and we're freaking out with them.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is so useful.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: And Shar, in part, this is why.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: For anyone who has the kids at the age where we're trying to get them to sleep, sleep, as we know, is our most vulnerable state for any animal.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: If we feel at all activated, we will not go to sleep.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: We just won't.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains won't let us sleep, right?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: And because our children borrow from our nervous systems, if we're trying to get our kids to sleep and we're in an activated state, they won't calm down.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: So we can do all the sleep training in the world, we can do all the right things to help our kids get to sleep.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if we're doing that from a place of activation, it won't work.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: It just won't work.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, first Shar, let's give you a lot of self-compassion here because dang it, it is real hard to keep cool when we're at the end of our ropes.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you've got twins.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you are doing that for two children, not just one.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it does spiral out of control.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if you can wait in these moments, wonder, wait, how am I feeling?
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Challenge yourself to slow down your breath because your control in your agency is going to come there.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're very quickly going to settle your nervous system when you find that breath pattern.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can slow yourself down and from a state of calm that problem solving can come from there.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's going to be a very different.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and self-compassion.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm losing it.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go to sleep.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are making me feel a little crazy.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Things are crazy, right?
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta calm yourself down from that place.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your own aunt, you're gonna come up with new solutions from that place.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna help in those moments.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, let's see.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to uncertainty, I'd say the biggest chance change is a relatively new mom aside from everybody having okay, wait.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: From obviously having a baby to love and look after it's going from is going from working full time in a routine to not working with complete uncertainty and what you have did.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a hard time following this.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to uncertainty, the biggest change as a relatively new mom, aside from obviously having a baby to love and look after, is going from working full time in a routine, yes, to going to not working with complete uncertainty in what you do day to day with a little one.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hard to have an exact routine.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: You have to go with the flow.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's really difficult to not have this structure, and I'm not great at going with the flow.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Any advice for this?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'd say it.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: This must be so common, but no one discusses it.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this is such a great question.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the question that's coming in at Zoom.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: When you're used to predictability, when you're used to routine, and life is suddenly so unpredictable and uncertain.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do you manage that?
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, great question.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: So many of us have learned in our lives to manage for unpredictability and uncertainty by putting structure in our lives.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a problem.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Structure is not a problem.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I want to be real clear.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains need predictability to feel safe.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anything on either side of the all or nothing spectrum is not going to work.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: So no predictability is going to keep us in a state of anxiety and rigid predictability.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: When we have to have rigidity, we're going to be in a state of anxiety.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Neither of those is helpful.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I do want to say that you need some form of predictability.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that happens for us in motherhood is that when we notice all the things that are unpredictable and uncertain, like when is my baby actually going to sleep?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or is my child going to actually eat today?
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or what might my child's mood be when I leave the house and go to the, you know, the park or the grocery store, that type of unpredictability is so palpable for us.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And what can happen in those moments is we can use all those old skills that we're used to to feel safe, to feel grounded in motherhood.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: We can try to set up kind of more rigid structures and routines.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: We can, you know, think and overthink.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: How can I make sure that my baby doesn't cry when I'm out in the world?
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: We can get so kind of obsessive and rigid with trying to make things predictable.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, what happens is we go out, no matter how much we've planned, something happens that we weren't expecting, right?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's the unpredictability in our face again.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that is really, really hard.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: So the answer, my answer to your question, we're going to use wonder for this, right?
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is in those moments when you notice yourself reacting to all of the things, the obvious things in your life that are outside of your control.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: That means anything that doesn't have to do with your own thoughts and your own actions.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you begin to realize how much is unpredictable.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to go inside your body and wonder what's happening for me right now.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do I feel?
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: My heart's racing, my jaw is tensed, my throat is closed up.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this is a big concept.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is sort of meta, but you could do this going to the grocery store, right?
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to the grocery store.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how my baby's going to react.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how my child's going to react.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we are.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uncertainty.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: How are you feeling in your body?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Get curious.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: Adjust your breathing.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do that breath pattern where you inhale and then you exhale longer than your inhale.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do five, six, seven more of these breaths.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Does this not focus more on the anxiety, though, by doing this?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, it doesn't.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to always focus on how you're feeling in your body.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: If we skip over the feeling, the feeling's just going to come with us.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't want you to focus on your thinking.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to focus on the thoughts.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to always pay attention to your feelings.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Always.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are not dangerous.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your thinking is problematic.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are wise.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: Those feelings are here to tell you something so important.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: What they're telling you is that you need to slow down and breathe.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they're telling you.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you focus on your breath, you implement self-compassion.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm feeling this way.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: From that place, you can decide what to do next.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is can be a new next topic for next month because it's a really important one.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people have been taught that their feelings are dangerous.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are so wise.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: Does this make sense, KGC?
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like this is tricky.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is a tricky concept to think about.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: What does it look like to focus?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to pay attention to the feelings always.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I want you to do something to settle those feelings.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Unpredictability is everywhere.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we are going to be triggered by unpredictability.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're not paying attention to those feelings in the moment, the feelings are going to come with us.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so slowing the breath, getting curious, and implementing self-compassion is going to be really, really helpful.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just re-explain the tolerating section one more time with this.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, beautiful.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: When we react, usually when we feel discomfort, let's say anxiety, which is going to come from unpredictability or uncertainty almost always, we begin to feel anxious.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, I want to pause and say if you have any history in your life where uncertainty and unpredictability were dangerous in any way, it's going to, those moments of uncertainty and unpredictability are going to send you into a state of fight, flight, or freeze.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, this we can talk about big T trauma, like obvious things that were dangerous, or little tea trauma.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like for us, if we are children and we were having big feelings and we weren't tended to, having big feelings as an adult is going to feel dangerous.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or when our child has big feelings, that's going to feel dangerous.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: Our neural pathways, our belief systems are likely to be wired to fight, flood, or freeze in those moments.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we're going to feel scared in those moments.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: We've been taught that those moments aren't safe.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to start there.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: So what will happen is we don't know how to tolerate that discomfort.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're going to do something to try to get away from the discomfort.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: Some compulsive behavior.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to try to outthink the problem.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: What if catastrophic thinking?
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to think and think and think about how what we can do in those moments, and we're going to get stuck in that thinking, or we're going to react.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: That emotion's going to come out in some way that tries to get whatever's happening in the moment to stop.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: Tolerating means I am able to both feel anxiety, anger, disappointment, sadness, and be okay, feel okay at the same time.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: We can tolerate this moment of not knowing.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean by tolerate.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can stay steady in those moments.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like pain tolerance, right?
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or cold tolerance.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes if we don't know how to tolerate pain or cold, as a more simple example, let's use cold.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: If I have a very low cold tolerance and I want to be outside playing with my child and I can't tolerate the cold, I'm going to need to go inside real quickly, right?
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if I can learn to tolerate that cold, if I can put on my jacket, if I can breathe deeply, if I have tools to tolerate the cold, I'm going to have more capacity to keep playing with my child outside of the park rather than having to pack it up and bring everyone inside.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about expanding our tolerance to discomfort here.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: And waiting will help us to do that.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it does take practice.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't, and it takes practice and action, right?
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you just want the anxiety gone.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem is that the anxiety makes sense, right?
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: Our brains are wired to feel scared in moments of uncertainty.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it makes sense.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we just need to do something new in those moments that are going to help us stay calm.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: And again, the acronym is to wonder how am I feeling in my body?
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: To adjust our breathing, have that breath pattern when your exhale is a little longer than your inhale, inhale, exhale a little longer than your inhale.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: Implement self-compassion.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I'm feeling anxious.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is a moment of uncertainty.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: My brain's wired.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wired to feel uncertainty.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't have to be a dangerous moment, but my brain is going to wire.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to do something to remind my nervous system that I'm safe in this moment.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: Once I'm there and I can stay steady, the part of my brain that's going to be capable of solving problems, problem solving, creativity, curiosity, it's going to come into focus.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, I'm going to come up with something to do to help me move through this moment, something I can say to my child, something I can, some problem solving that's going to help me move through the situation.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to remember to go for that walk.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: But we can't do that until we quiet our nervous system.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: All right, you guys, I got to pop onto a coaching call.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so happy to spend some time with you today.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me on the back end of Instagram if you have questions, and I will see y'all soon.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hope this was helpful.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you loved this episode and enjoy this podcast, please just take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review and send it to one mom out there who you think might benefit.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: When you do that, you help to make sure that no woman out there ever feels like they have to mother alone.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.