Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Invisible Backpack: What Are We Sending With Them? | Ep. 225

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The Invisible Backpack: What Are We Sending With Them? | Ep. 225 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Christie: what's in that backpack matters- Yeah what you walk into your day with.
• 0:05
  Speaker: Our children are always moving into parts of life we can't quite go with them: a classroom, a team, time with friends, even the ordinary moments of a day unfolding right alongside of us.
• 0:21
  Speaker: We can't prepare them for every person or every experience they'll meet, but we are helping fill the invisible backpack that they carry into all of it.
• 0:34
  Speaker: Today, let's talk about what we can give them before the rest of the world starts adding its own weight.
• 0:52
  Cheryl: Hi, y'all.
• 0:52
  Cheryl: Y'all good today?
• 0:53
  Joanne: Good.
• 0:54
  Joanne: I'm doing great.
• 0:56
  Cheryl: Fine to be here.
• 0:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 0:56
  Cheryl: So listeners, we have, Joanne and Christie here with us again.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: it's back to school season, right?
• 1:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: And, last time, if you remember, we were talking about, okay, yes, everybody has the visible backpack that they use when they go to class off to school, or whatever, but that we have invisible backpacks that load up on us all day long, and that we bring those home.
• 1:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: And what we processed is, okay, so that invisible backpack, is, the way people treat you, how we respond, how we felt, all of those things go into that invisible backpack, and then what we could do as parents-
• 1:38
  Christie: Yeah
• 1:38
  Cheryl: to help them unpack them.
• 1:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Right?
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: And now I'm thinking the flip side.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: So let's say maybe we did help them unpack that invisible backpack from yesterday.
• 1:49
  Christie: Mm.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: And now you're getting ready to go all your separate ways or into the separate things- Mm-hmm that we have all day long, or even maybe they may be in proximity with you, and they still have, let's say, a invisible backpack that doesn't have much in it, and now it's getting ready to be filled up again-
• 2:08
  Christie: Mm
• 2:09
  Cheryl: all day long-
• 2:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 2:10
  Cheryl: looking towards evening.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:12
  Christie: I like that.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Send them out.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: So now, How can we help our children?
• 2:17
  Cheryl: We can't control what happens to them all day long.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: We can't control the way people interact with them, even if there's little ones that stay in your home- Mm-hmm or children that stay in your home for a big portion of the day.
• 2:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: Things will happen out of our control.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: We can't control that.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: But what can we work towards putting into those invisible backpacks to help them navigate that better?
• 2:42
  Joanne: Oh.
• 2:43
  Joanne: Wow.
• 2:43
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 2:44
  Joanne: Gosh, that's a good question.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: To prepare them, and then- Yeah to navigate.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: You know?
• 2:50
  Cheryl: So how about you all?
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Can you think of, in your own personal experience, was there a routine or anything in your own home or that you did with your kids when they were going out from you that you said something to them or
• 3:05
  Joanne: anything?
• 3:05
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Joanne: The first thing I thought of is my mother-in-law.
• 3:08
  Joanne: Oh.
• 3:08
  Joanne: She had a cute little ritual and even to this day, like, my husband and his siblings will- Aw they will, uh, yell to each other,"Remember who you are,"'cause that was the thing she always said to them- Aw and they all knew exactly what that meant.
• 3:22
  Joanne: So every time she'd drop them off at school, it was,"Remember who you are," in her cute little Southern accent.
• 3:26
  Christie: Oh, that's
• 3:27
  Joanne: so sweet.
• 3:27
  Joanne: Um, and it's just, you know, to kinda reinforce, their values and she knew that sh- they were gonna be away from her all day and she wanted them to, remember, what they believed and how to carry that with them into every-
• 3:39
  Christie: Ah
• 3:39
  Joanne: situation.
• 3:40
  Joanne: And so it's cute to hear them say that.
• 3:42
  Joanne: Even my kids will say that to each other.
• 3:45
  Joanne: Oh,
• 3:46
  Christie: I love that.
• 3:46
  Christie: They've heard the story.
• 3:46
  Christie: They've picked it up.
• 3:46
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 3:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Christie: I'm just thinking kind of, not to be a Debbie Downer, but on the flip side of, like, when you've been, when you're in a really hard season, I can think of my growing up- Mm-hmm Of hard things happening in my life- Yeah and how that could be really something that weighed me down through the day.
• 4:05
  Christie: Oh.
• 4:05
  Christie: You know?
• 4:05
  Christie: Where you're walking out.
• 4:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 4:06
  Christie: So I just say that to say n- not to be negative, but to say, like, it really does kind of dictate your day as a kid, whatever you're walking away from- Yeah with that, what's in that backpack matters- Yeah what you walk into your day with.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:20
  Christie: Wow, so true.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: And- You know, Joanne, I feel two ways about what your mother-in-law- Yeah would do.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: I think she's trying to lift them up and- Uh-huh and say, you know,"Live out who you are." But
• 4:33
  Cheryl A: also I'm concerned because I fell into something, and there was a lot of teaching and encouragement and exhortation about my children were a reflection of me-
• 4:47
  Christie: Mm
• 4:47
  Cheryl: and my parenting.
• 4:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: And that they as children, and even teenagers, and even young adults, that I would put like a 75-pound weight in those invisible backpacks- Right saying-
• 5:02
  Joanne: Yeah
• 5:03
  Cheryl: You represent us."
• 5:05
  Christie: Mm.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: Live out our values." Mm.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: "The whole world is watching.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: You know, you're a, a shining light on the hill, and you have the responsibility..." I don't know if either of y'all- Yeah were in those circles, you know?
• 5:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: "Go be a world changer."
• 5:22
  Christie: Right.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: Do hard things."
• 5:24
  Christie: Right.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: You resist the crowd." That's
• 5:27
  Christie: a lot.
• 5:27
  Christie: It's hard because I, I, I feel like your mother-in-law, that was a good message.
• 5:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Christie: You know?
• 5:32
  Christie: That- Yeah that was one that was balanced and- Yes and you want to give your kids an encouragement.
• 5:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:37
  Christie: You want to give them- Yeah cast some vision for the k- type of person who you're raising them to be, and I think s- that sounds like she did a good job of that.
• 5:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:45
  Christie: But I do understand what you're talking about, Cheryl.
• 5:48
  Christie: I, I remember one time going into a store, and all my four little girls, you know, none of them more than 50 pounds.
• 5:56
  Christie: I'm like-
• 5:56
  Cheryl: And you, you handed them a big, heavy weight-
• 5:59
  Christie: Yes into the...
• 5:59
  Christie: I, I said,"Now, when we go into the store, you represent our entire family- and all that we stand for and everything," you know?
• 6:07
  Christie: And I'm like, I don't think the Target employees were really, like- basing their whole value system on- Taking care the behavior of these children.
• 6:15
  Christie: But i- we do that, you know?
• 6:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:17
  Christie: We have so many hopes and dreams for- Yeah how we would l- bring these children into the world and what they might be capable of influencing in their day, and you want to cast some of that vision- Yeah for them.
• 6:29
  Christie: Right.
• 6:29
  Christie: But the way we do it is important.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: It, it can be huge.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: And I hear what you're saying because there were so many voices in my culture that would've said,"What a great job," high-fiving you all over.
• 6:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: But you...
• 6:44
  Cheryl: But I see it as the opposite It's not what we want to be doing.
• 6:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: We want to live out our values, but not a six-year-old child.
• 6:53
  Christie: Right.
• 6:53
  Cheryl: You know?
• 6:54
  Christie: It's heavy.
• 6:55
  Christie: It, it's
• 6:55
  Cheryl: really heavy.
• 6:56
  Christie: Well, and I, I saw that, you know, blossom into something that w- did, my kids did feel like was pressure.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: You
• 7:06
  Christie: know?
• 7:06
  Christie: And- Mine too and it felt like there was a, um...
• 7:10
  Christie: I had to do a lot of backpedaling, I guess I'll say, to correct some unintentional messages I sent-
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Yes
• 7:16
  Christie: of- Right perfectionism- There.
• 7:18
  Christie: Physical and performance.
• 7:20
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:20
  Christie: Mm.
• 7:20
  Christie: And that's something I could talk about openly with my kids, is that, you know, there, there is- a, a level of excellence you want to cast vision for, but that was not, you know, age appropriate.
• 7:32
  Christie: And, and now I, I feel like my kids would say we've come to a place where they know my greatest desire for them is to be the authentic self- Yes and, and to know they're loved and cherished- Right, unconditionally and that that's what I would've- Yeah gone back and said- Mm-hmm to those little girls.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Christie: We, we bounced back, but it was hard getting here.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: Because, and well, just she's your mother-in-law.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: What's her name?
• 7:56
  Christie: Brenda.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: All right.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: As Brenda, I think she was saying it in balance.
• 8:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: this other is total identity.
• 8:04
  Christie: Right.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: And Christie I agree with you, what it did is it promoted performance.
• 8:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: You hide any of the things that are- Mm-hmm negative or difficult.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: You are having to carry this weight of responsibility- Mm-hmm and this is your identity.
• 8:23
  Christie: Right.
• 8:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: Not the value that you have at the core- Mm-hmm of your being, which I think a little bit's what Brenda's trying to do, but this presentation of this perfection-
• 8:34
  Joanne: Yeah
• 8:34
  Cheryl: that you're carrying all of that and that's your identity- Mm-hmm that I'm sending you out with into the wolves-
• 8:41
  Joanne: Well
• 8:42
  Cheryl: biting at
• 8:42
  Cheryl A: you all day.
• 8:43
  Cheryl A: Yeah.
• 8:43
  Cheryl A: Yeah.
• 8:44
  Cheryl A: And you have to be That children would carry all that weight that we as adults struggle with-
• 8:49
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Yeah and maybe not are ready to- Mm-hmm go out and be the shining light everywhere we go.
• 8:54
  Joanne: Right.
• 8:55
  Joanne: That also makes me think about, um, the pressure that's put on, in particular, like, high schoolers.
• 9:01
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:01
  Joanne: And it's not, as they're walking out the door,'cause a lot of times you don't even see your teens as- if they're driving or whatever.
• 9:06
  Joanne: Right.
• 9:07
  Joanne: But the stuff that's put in their invisible backpack- Mm-hmm is the academic expectations- Yeah of their parents, and I've seen this just be a real crushing weight on a lot of teens of, you've gotta make straight As and you know, your, scholarship opportunities and, like, everything- Yeah is, dependent, like their whole entire future is dependent on their academic performance in high school, when actually you know, I would encourage,, anyone to look at, the most successful people in the world, like how many did not do well in school.
• 9:40
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:40
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 9:40
  Joanne: Because, I mean, some kids are really great at school and some aren't, but it's not everything.
• 9:45
  Joanne: Yes.
• 9:45
  Joanne: So we wanna make sure we don't make that, like, a part of their identity.
• 9:48
  Christie: Right.
• 9:49
  Christie: I, I heard a mom talking one day about a, a potential, um, failure's a strong word, but just something that or maybe her kid was gonna miss the mark on and, her, her statement was,"Well, that's just not who we are."
• 10:03
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:04
  Christie: And it caught me off guard because I wanted to say,"Well, that's who he is today." You know?
• 10:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:09
  Christie: That, that's him being, that- Mm-hmm that's who he is.
• 10:12
  Christie: He's gonna drop this ball or he's gonna miss this mark and- Hmm and that's who he is at this point in life.
• 10:18
  Christie: Wow.
• 10:19
  Christie: But that, that entire family's identity being that's- It's like a collective identity not who we are.
• 10:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:25
  Christie: You know?
• 10:25
  Christie: He's at one point in the journey of life.
• 10:27
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:28
  Christie: And we all have our own points that we're at currently today today I'm somebody who makes mistakes, and then tomorrow I'm the person that apologizes for those mistakes.
• 10:38
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:39
  Christie: You know?
• 10:39
  Christie: Oh, I
• 10:39
  Cheryl: love it.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: See, that's the identity we want.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: I want that in their backpack.
• 10:43
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: I'm thinking in this what you're talking about, that whole performance culture.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: And it, it's not just academic.
• 10:51
  Cheryl: Like, all of this was being a leader and, and forging this territory, and impact, and the doing hard things, all of this.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: And someone that I know really well, they did well in all of that, and then finally when they could open up that invisible backpack and finally felt safe saying,"Oh, by the way, all of that did nothing but crush me."
• 11:19
  Joanne: Hmm.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: And so they were a chameleon that just went underneath, working to go underneath the radar of who they- Mm-hmm really were.
• 11:29
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: And, uh, hid so much from- Brought some
• 11:33
  Christie: shame.
• 11:33
  Cheryl: It, oh, it was, shame is the word I want.
• 11:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: So much shame- That's
• 11:37
  Christie: sad,
• 11:38
  Cheryl: yeah because they go,"That's not who I really am-
• 11:41
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 11:41
  Cheryl: but that's what everybody tells me I've got to.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: I mean, look in my backpack."
• 11:45
  Christie: Right.
• 11:45
  Christie: Hmm.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Uh, I, I, I want to avoid that.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: I don't want that to be what I do as a parent or what we do in our parenting culture.
• 11:53
  Christie: Yeah, and I don't think- You guys can tell me if you think this is wrong, but I don't know that any of those statements that you just said are false.
• 12:01
  Christie: Like- you can do hard things.
• 12:02
  Christie: Sure.
• 12:02
  Christie: Right.
• 12:02
  Christie: You can change the world.
• 12:04
  Christie: You can have an impact in your surroundings.
• 12:08
  Christie: But I think they're incomplete statements, and it's- Mm-hmm.
• 12:10
  Christie: Yeah you can do hard things, but sometimes you're not gonna want to, and you're gonna make the easy choice- Yeah and you're gonna take the lazy way-
• 12:17
  Joanne: Yes
• 12:17
  Christie: and you're gonna regret it, and it's gonna be fine.
• 12:19
  Christie: Right.
• 12:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:20
  Christie: You know?
• 12:20
  Christie: You're, you just have to- Same thing give somehow your kids the permission-
• 12:25
  Cheryl: To
• 12:25
  Christie: fail to fail.
• 12:26
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 12:26
  Christie: To not be the person that they wanna be that day, not show up the best that they could possibly be, and, and that there's redemption in the end of it.
• 12:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: I absolutely- So good love that because I think that was the element that was not ever considered in all of this.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: And if I had that invisible backpack in my hand again, I would give the gift of the permission to fail- Yeah in that backpack saying-
• 12:52
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 12:52
  Cheryl: It's okay."
• 12:53
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 12:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:54
  Cheryl: "It's okay.
• 12:55
  Cheryl: It doesn't matter.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: Come back and we'll unpack it together." Right.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: But permission to fail would be something I would put in that backpack.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:01
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 13:02
  Joanne: Oh, there's- What are, what are some others?
• 13:02
  Joanne: There's such a good book actually that made me think about Cheryl.
• 13:05
  Joanne: There's a book, um, by, you may have heard John Maxwell.
• 13:08
  Joanne: He's- Yeah very well known, leadership.
• 13:10
  Joanne: But there's one,, in particular, and there's a junior edition for teenagers, and it's, Sometimes You Win and Sometimes You Learn.
• 13:18
  Joanne: Oh.
• 13:19
  Joanne: Oh.
• 13:19
  Joanne: So reframing failure, you have to fail- Oh, good that, to learn.
• 13:24
  Joanne: Yeah, I love that.
• 13:25
  Joanne: And so just reframing that, which I, naturally, you know, can be very hard on myself, so this is something I've had to work on and learning.
• 13:31
  Joanne: But I really want my kids to not do the same and just to see it as like,"Okay, well, did you learn from that?" You
• 13:38
  Christie: know?
• 13:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:38
  Christie: It's,
• 13:38
  Joanne: it's only foolish if you don't learn and you do it again.
• 13:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:42
  Christie: You know, right?
• 13:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:43
  Christie: So that's excellent.
• 13:43
  Christie: So
• 13:44
  Joanne: that's
• 13:44
  Christie: good.
• 13:44
  Joanne: I
• 13:44
  Cheryl: love
• 13:44
  Christie: that saying.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: Well,.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: all right, so
• 13:47
  Cheryl A: I'm putting in The permission to fail-
• 13:49
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 13:50
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 13:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 13:51
  Cheryl A: and then learn.
• 13:51
  Cheryl A: what are some things y'all would want to put in your children's invisible backpack?
• 13:56
  Joanne: I liked when they were little, so I don't know, Christie, if you experienced this, in the'80s, like, a big thing was moms writing little notes on- Yes the napkins.
• 14:05
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 14:06
  Joanne: Did you do that, Cheryl?
• 14:06
  Joanne: Yeah, like,, in their lunchboxes.
• 14:08
  Joanne: That was, like, so exciting, right?
• 14:10
  Joanne: So I always did that for my kids when they were in elementary school.
• 14:12
  Joanne: Oh, I love that.
• 14:12
  Joanne: I loved, like, just,"I love you.
• 14:15
  Joanne: I'm thinking of you," just so they know- Mm-hmm they're loved.
• 14:18
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 14:19
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 14:19
  Joanne: So that would be, so we add love to permission to fail.
• 14:23
  Christie: That's so good.
• 14:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Christie: Well, apparently, uh, mine is have fun.
• 14:29
  Christie: The other day, my 22-year-old daughter's leaving, and I said,"Okay, bye, I love you.
• 14:33
  Christie: Have fun." And she was going to her job at a bank.
• 14:37
  Christie: And she goes,"Have fun doing what?" And I was like,"Uh, having a Wednesday, I guess." And we just laughed because when they were little, that's what I would say.
• 14:46
  Christie: I'd say- Aw"Have fun.
• 14:47
  Christie: Be sweet." Yeah.
• 14:47
  Christie: You know?
• 14:48
  Christie: And, uh, I just hadn't said that to my adult children in a while, I guess.
• 14:52
  Christie: Yeah., But it is an important value, like, to our family.
• 14:55
  Christie: We just wanna- Yeah have a good time.
• 14:56
  Christie: And yeah, you have to do some hard work sometimes, but- But have fun doing it have fun doing it.
• 15:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:01
  Christie: Find some joy in it.
• 15:02
  Christie: Oh,
• 15:02
  Cheryl: I really like that.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Okay, something, and I want us to come back eventually and really, uh, process this together, but I'd mentioned identity because that other was such a false identity that just placed what I actually don't value in that backpack.
• 15:21
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: Um, but the other is what I would want to gift them with and pack
• 15:26
  Cheryl A: in there, Is their significance-
• 15:30
  Joanne: Mm
• 15:30
  Cheryl: rather than identity.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:32
  Cheryl: Is to build into them and consciously think, what can I do
• 15:37
  Cheryl A: to help give this child the feeling of their significance?" And that, there's nothing they can do that will make me love them more or love them less, and that they are significant simply because they are.
• 15:50
  Christie: Mm.
• 15:50
  Cheryl: And then, like, in my own family, I mean, if y'all know Enneagram and everything, so the six of us here have six different Enneagram numbers.
• 16:00
  Cheryl: We have six different Myers-Briggs.
• 16:02
  Cheryl: Probably if you did love languages, we'd have 30.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: So the way this one receives significance is very different from another one.
• 16:11
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 16:11
  Joanne: Mm-hmm,
• 16:11
  Cheryl: mm-hmm.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Yeah, they're all different.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: And, and some words of affirmation
• 16:15
  Cheryl A: mean nothing but to others, uh- That moment of quality time before they leave really puts significance into that backpack.
• 16:25
  Cheryl A: So we just circle back again about- Mm being, a student of your children.
• 16:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: That we don't have two hours every morning to do this, but to think ahead, what can I be packing into that backpack?
• 16:39
  Cheryl: I would want them to walk out with a feeling of significance-
• 16:43
  Christie: I love that
• 16:43
  Cheryl: of who they are.
• 16:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:45
  Christie: That's so good.
• 16:46
  Christie: Have you guys seen the cute videos of elementary teachers?
• 16:50
  Christie: Um- Uh-huh.
• 16:50
  Christie: It's popular, I think, amongst elementary teachers now, but they have, like, they'll have signs outside their door of,"How do you wanna be greeted today?" And- Oh, yeah.
• 16:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:58
  Christie: Yeah, I have it'll be like high-five- I have a hug.
• 17:00
  Christie: Oh.
• 17:00
  Christie: We can do a dance together.
• 17:02
  Christie: So
• 17:02
  Joanne: cute.
• 17:02
  Christie: And the, the kids will come in one by one and pick their greeting- Uh-huh of choice, and that, that's what that made me think of- Yeah is, you know, we all have our different things that strike our heart chords, and Yes Those teachers are saying,"Hey, I wanna see you for what you need today-
• 17:16
  Joanne: Yeah
• 17:17
  Christie: and how you're gonna feel welcomed into the classroom." And maybe as moms, we do that for our kids.
• 17:22
  Christie: We kind of have, some time to assess, like, what really gets to this kid's heart.
• 17:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:27
  Christie: You know?
• 17:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:27
  Christie: Maybe it's the note in the lunchbox.
• 17:29
  Christie: Maybe it's a funny joke as you're leaving out the door.
• 17:32
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Christie: Something small that says, like you're saying, Cheryl,"I see you.
• 17:36
  Christie: You're significant to me.
• 17:37
  Christie: You're not just one of a crowd of kids."
• 17:39
  Joanne: That's so great
• 17:40
  Cheryl: one of mine- Receives love through gifts
• 17:44
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: And so that's not
• 17:46
  Cheryl A: my heart language.
• 17:47
  Cheryl A: And so,"Sure, thank you.
• 17:48
  Cheryl A: I appreciate the gift," but it, it- Mm-hmm it doesn't have the impact and I found out that they do So, like, if I gave them a new different color pen
• 18:00
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 18:00
  Cheryl: it would mean- Yeah so much.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: It would be saying- Yes"I'm thinking about you.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: I love you."'Cause we're not actually doing it for them as they walk out the door- Mm-hmm but just building into them-
• 18:11
  Christie: Right
• 18:12
  Cheryl: it doesn't have to even really cost much, but just I was thinking about you so I got this, whatever.
• 18:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: But"What I have to do is quit projecting who I am and what builds me up and empowers.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: my invisible backpack-
• 18:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 18:28
  Cheryl: and think about other people rather than myself."
• 18:31
  Christie: Okay.
• 18:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:32
  Christie: That's just taking me back to that example I gave of the pressure I was putting on my kids- to behave a certain way when went into the store- Yeah because, you know, so much of my kids' lives I had this, um...
• 18:46
  Christie: I mean, I'll just call it what it was, insecurity-
• 18:48
  Joanne: Yeah
• 18:49
  Christie: that I needed- Yeah them to fulfill for me.
• 18:51
  Christie: I needed- Oh, wow to produce- Mm well-behaved, lovely children so I'd feel better about the job I was doing as a mom, and that's just real talk.
• 19:00
  Christie: But- Yeah um, we've gotta shake that.
• 19:03
  Christie: Mm we've gotta let them be their version- Mm of being a a human, and us be our version of being a human- Yeah and separate a little bit in those ways.
• 19:10
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 19:11
  Joanne: They're all
• 19:11
  Christie: unique.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Because what I think you just said, a lot of parents are gonna identify with and say,"You're right.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: I'm ruining my children.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: I'm not mature enough to be able to do that."
• 19:23
  Christie: Right.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: I haven't gotten-
• 19:25
  Christie: Yeah
• 19:26
  Cheryl: to that point yet." Uh-huh.
• 19:26
  Cheryl: And that's the wonderful thing.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: I think it was last time- You, Joanne, you were saying something about the gift of- The gift
• 19:34
  Christie: of an apology.
• 19:35
  Cheryl: The gift of an apology.
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:36
  Christie: Apologies,
• 19:37
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: And so what I wanna put in all your invisible backpacks for the three of us and all you parents out there, is the gift of apology.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: It is one of the most- Yeah beautiful things you can do for yourself and others, because I'm not as mature as I wanna be.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: And I'm a whole lot more mature than I was when I was- Yeah in active parenting years.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: But I love this gift of being able to say I'm sorry.
• 20:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: And then when your children say,"Boy, you know, you put
• 20:04
  Christie: Right
• 20:05
  Cheryl: whatever into our backpack- Right Mom.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: We never forgot what you said outside Target, and I carried that burden for 10 years."
• 20:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:12
  Christie: And
• 20:13
  Cheryl: you have that beautiful thing to reach and pull and say,"Wow, I'm so sorry."
• 20:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:17
  Christie: And, I had a humbling experience a, a couple weeks ago with now my grown daughters, where I did have to apologize and, and it was the sweetest thing because-
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Wow
• 20:29
  Christie: my daughter forgave me so graciously.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:33
  Christie: I, I- That's special responded with her in a way that all my other children would've appreciated, and it wasn't her love language.
• 20:41
  Christie: And so I, I kind of generalized my own children Yeah.
• 20:45
  Christie: Yep and forgot she was an individual for a minute.
• 20:48
  Christie: But she was so gracious in her forgiveness towards me that it reminded me, and, it's not that we do these things to create opportunities for them to forgive, but it is an opportunity- Yeah.
• 20:59
  Christie: Yeah for them to- Mm-hmm experience forgiving someone who has wronged them.
• 21:04
  Joanne: Yes.
• 21:04
  Christie: And it was just a really sweet, I mean, it was all in the course of just, you know, an hour conversation, but just a sweet, one of those Yeah.
• 21:12
  Christie: Aw put a bow on it moments of parenting.
• 21:14
  Christie: I love that.
• 21:15
  Christie: Um, so yeah, just encouragement to lean into the apology.
• 21:18
  Christie: It's humbling and Yeah.
• 21:20
  Christie: As awful as it can feel.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: But it- But look at what- Yeah went into everybody's invisible backpack on that.
• 21:26
  Cheryl: Not to belabor it, but look at this.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: Humility You gave her the opportunity to watch humility in real time.
• 21:35
  Christie: Mm.
• 21:35
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: You gave her the opportunity to have forgiveness in her backpack.
• 21:39
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 21:40
  Cheryl: Because if you hadn't apologized, there would be
• 21:42
  Cheryl A: no opportunity for Forgiveness.
• 21:44
  Joanne: Right.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: So how encouraging.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: We make enough mistakes.
• 21:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:48
  Joanne: Well, and you know, I know that was our last podcast we talked about,, getting them to open up, but when you do that, like Christie, when you apologized to her, you've become like the safest person- Mm to her because she knows she can talk to you about anything.
• 22:02
  Joanne: That's so, yeah.
• 22:03
  Joanne: You're not too proud, and You know, to be able to admit when you've done something wrong is such a great demonstration to our kids too because naturally, it's hard for them to admit when they've done something wrong.
• 22:12
  Joanne: Yes.
• 22:12
  Joanne: So-
• 22:12
  Christie: Yeah I think that's really good well, yeah, I think about the people who I never saw their mistakes and thought they could do no wrong.
• 22:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:18
  Christie: Those aren't gonna be the people I run to to- No confess all my wrongdoing.
• 22:22
  Christie: Absolutely
• 22:23
  Joanne: not.
• 22:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:23
  Joanne: No.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: That's such a good point.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: Isn't this interesting?
• 22:28
  Cheryl: We were just a few minutes ago talking about how we would want to give them the gift of being free to fail.
• 22:34
  Joanne: Mm.
• 22:34
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 22:35
  Cheryl: And we're just unpacking how beneficial our admitting that we failed- Yeah is to the whole relationship.
• 22:44
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: And the growth and the healthiness that it brings to it.
• 22:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:48
  Joanne: Right.
• 22:48
  Joanne: I think that too, maybe it seems like maybe the generation that parented me or my, you know, my generation, it seemed like it would be a sign of weakness to- Yeah apologize.
• 22:59
  Joanne: Um, but I feel like it, it just made it, it put up walls.
• 23:03
  Christie: Right.
• 23:03
  Joanne: You know?
• 23:04
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:04
  Joanne: Where it's not a sign of weakness, it's actually a sign of strength- Yeah I think- Mm to be able to do that.
• 23:09
  Christie: No, I agree.
• 23:10
  Christie: It was kind of you put on this...
• 23:12
  Christie: It, it seemed, I mean, obviously I was a kid, but it seemed like the cultural norm was to put on a front for your kids- You're right of, of, you know.
• 23:21
  Joanne: Like you know it all and-
• 23:22
  Christie: Yeah don't make
• 23:22
  Joanne: mistakes.
• 23:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:23
  Christie: And that, that leaves a person feeling like,"Well, I can't make mistakes then."
• 23:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:28
  Cheryl: Or,"Oh, they're perfect.
• 23:30
  Cheryl: There's no way I can ever be like that." But the truth is, when you live with someone the way you live when you live in a family-
• 23:38
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 23:39
  Cheryl: the authenticity of your life screams over all this curated stuff.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: And what a gift all of this is for to show your children we talk about being authentic, I'm actually living it out.
• 23:53
  Joanne: Mm.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: And I would say even if maybe you don't really agree with the criticism-
• 24:00
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 24:01
  Cheryl: or if you feel like, um, actually, that's not really what I was doing, but they were hurt by it.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: They were
• 24:09
  Cheryl A: offended by It.
• 24:10
  Cheryl A: It,, lingered with them.
• 24:13
  Cheryl A: That I can apologize for.
• 24:15
  Cheryl A: Mm-hmm.
• 24:15
  Cheryl A: And I don't have to correct the details.
• 24:17
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 24:17
  Joanne: Right.
• 24:18
  Cheryl: And look what that role models for our children.
• 24:20
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:20
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 24:22
  Joanne: No, that's really good.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: That's, that's-
• 24:24
  Joanne: You know, I, we talked a little bit too about, um, margin.
• 24:27
  Joanne: We, well, we talk about that- Mm-hmm a lot.
• 24:29
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:29
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:29
  Joanne: That is something I think is really important, if you can, is to, you know, a little bit of preparation goes a long way in the mornings, the sending our kids off.
• 24:38
  Joanne: Either, even if you're homeschooling, whatever you're doing, is having some margin built in, and that might require you getting some things together at night.
• 24:47
  Joanne: But, I feel like, whenever there's a chaotic environment- Mm-hmm it's really hard to even have any time to put anything in anyone's
• 24:54
  Christie: Yeah
• 24:55
  Joanne: backpack at all.
• 24:56
  Joanne: You know, you just, you wanna have some time.
• 24:58
  Joanne: And also, thinking about the way your kids wake up in the morning too, they're all individual.
• 25:03
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 25:03
  Joanne: And, um, coming in with like,"Get up, get up," really stressed out is just not gonna set the tone well, for the kids at all, you know- Right in any way, for anybody.
• 25:10
  Joanne: Yeah, nobody
• 25:11
  Christie: is their best self- Right when they're rushing- Yeah.
• 25:13
  Christie: around and,
• 25:13
  Joanne: yeah.
• 25:14
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 25:14
  Joanne: I agree.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: I think that's important.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: You know, and I listen to what you're saying, Joanne, I really agree with that, and I'm thinking in real life, what I would have to put down are the things that really don't matter.
• 25:26
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 25:26
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: Whatever it is, a special breakfast or whatever extra, because what you just described is really what I want.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: I want to put calmness and peace and my gentle demeanor into their invisible backpack, and then they're carrying that with them as they go out into the chaos of the world.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Whatever it is.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: But I have to lay down all those things that are keeping me from being what I really want to be-
• 25:58
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 25:58
  Cheryl: for them in the real, real world of how- Mm-hmm
• 26:03
  Joanne: we really live.
• 26:03
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 26:03
  Joanne: Yeah, I had to do that.
• 26:05
  Joanne: I remember one time we, it just felt like we were just always, like, running behind, stressed, we didn't have all the things we needed, and I'm like, you know that old saying, you keep doing things the same and it's not working?
• 26:15
  Joanne: What is that?
• 26:16
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:16
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:16
  Joanne: Like, how, how silly, right?
• 26:17
  Joanne: So I was like,"Okay, obviously what I'm doing is not working," so I had to really reevaluate, you know?
• 26:23
  Joanne: I think I have a little bit of ADHD too, and so then,, some of my kids might too, and so it was hard.
• 26:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:29
  Joanne: But, you know, y- it's good to evaluate and be like,"Okay, this isn't working.
• 26:33
  Joanne: What are some other habits I could do to make this go a little smoother-
• 26:37
  Christie: Right
• 26:37
  Joanne: so we have some margin and we can really be intentional with what we're doing in the morning?"
• 26:42
  Christie: Yeah, I remember when my kids were young, getting so obsessed with certain aspects being just perfect- Yep that would stress me out where I was losing the relational- Yeah connection.
• 26:53
  Christie: You know, like- Yeah I think about birthday parties.
• 26:55
  Christie: I would spend so much time- homemaking the cake- The cake and planning all the things and creating crafts and all of that, that sometimes I would be more stressed and exhausted by the time we actually got to the day I wanted to celebrate my child- when a store-bought cake or, you know, just throwing something- Yeah simpler together would have brought a lot more margin into that moment.
• 27:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:18
  Christie: Or Christmas- That's a good point you think, the way that we do Christmas or all the holidays that can- Yeah just, we can max ourselves out and miss out on what we're really trying to communicate.
• 27:28
  Christie: That's a
• 27:28
  Cheryl: good point.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: And that happens every morning as we start our day.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: I mean, you mentioned whether they're homeschoolers or they're going to class or they're going to daycare or, both parents are leaving to go to work.
• 27:41
  Cheryl: Whatever it is, parents, I would encourage you to invest in margin.
• 27:48
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 27:48
  Cheryl: Because we just do our best in life, but particularly as a parent.
• 27:53
  Cheryl: All these things we're talking about, as I'm thinking in real time what it was really like, if I didn't have margin, I never could even approach doing these great, important things we're talking about.
• 28:07
  Cheryl: And I'm particularly thinking about those of you out there that are single parents, because your margin's been cut.
• 28:14
  Joanne: Mm.
• 28:14
  Cheryl: T- to nothing.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: it's so hard.
• 28:17
  Cheryl: So those of you that have friends that are single parents, think about ways that you can bring margin into their life, what you could do.
• 28:27
  Cheryl: But simplify.
• 28:28
  Cheryl: I would just say simplify what you're talking about- Mm-hmm because you're talking about doing all the birthday parties and everything.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: I just thought I was I was glad that I could actually celebrate the birthday.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: I mean, and not because of money so much,'cause I didn't have the money to invest in everything that so many people around me did, but I just didn't have the p- physical and emotional margin-
• 28:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 28:52
  Cheryl: to do all the stuff you're talking about.
• 28:55
  Cheryl: And I, I would love to take that out of the invisible backpack of saying performing-
• 29:02
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 29:03
  Cheryl: and keeping up with everybody else- Mm-hmm just doesn't matter.
• 29:06
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 29:07
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 29:07
  Cheryl: You know?
• 29:08
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 29:08
  Cheryl: The things that matter, matter.
• 29:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:09
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 29:11
  Joanne: Well, and that makes me think about the quote that we've talked about a lot, too.
• 29:15
  Joanne: "They're not gonna remember what you did.
• 29:17
  Joanne: They're not gonna remember, like, all the details.
• 29:18
  Joanne: They're gonna remember how you felt in a moment." Mm.
• 29:21
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 29:21
  Joanne: And, I'm probably messing that quote up.
• 29:22
  Joanne: But, you know, if you're putting all your energy into, the perfect breakfast or, you know, curating whatever, whatever, and your kids feel, awful because their mom is stressed out and screaming at them-
• 29:35
  Christie: Right
• 29:35
  Joanne: you know, that's just, not the environment that you want.
• 29:38
  Joanne: So always be thinking about, like, how are your kids feeling around you?
• 29:41
  Joanne: Are they feeling safe and at peace and calm?
• 29:45
  Joanne: And if not, what could you do to change that?
• 29:48
  Christie: Right, and not get so caught up on the vehicles of...
• 29:52
  Christie: You know, you're trying to communicate your love for them by doing- Yeah all these things.
• 29:56
  Christie: But if it's, like you said, just creating- Making the mark, yeah if it's a vehicle for frustration, that's not helpful.
• 30:02
  Joanne: Mm-mm.
• 30:03
  Cheryl: And I'm thinking about that quote,'cause it is a- Yeah really good one.
• 30:06
  Cheryl: "Whatever it is that people won't remember what you said or did, but how they felt when they were with you." Yes.
• 30:12
  Cheryl: Think about the people- That have impacted you and that have made you a better person, or you just have a tender place when you think about them.
• 30:23
  Cheryl: You think about how you feel-
• 30:25
  Christie: Mm.
• 30:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 30:27
  Cheryl: leaving them or when you're gonna see them again, not what they do.
• 30:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:31
  Cheryl: And then we get this so upside down trying to do parenting instead of thinking it through, like what we're talking about-
• 30:39
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 30:40
  Cheryl: and just loving our kids better.
• 30:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:43
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 30:43
  Joanne: Wow.
• 30:43
  Joanne: I'm just, as you're saying that, I'm having a flashback to just the handful of teachers that were really impactful in my life.
• 30:51
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 30:51
  Joanne: And it had everything to do with how they made me feel, and I don't even know what I learned from them.
• 30:55
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 30:56
  Joanne: Mm.
• 30:56
  Joanne: But what I felt from them is I felt seen.
• 30:59
  Christie: Mm.
• 30:59
  Joanne: And they were very present.
• 31:01
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 31:01
  Joanne: They took time, they noticed me, and they took an interest in who I was.
• 31:06
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 31:06
  Joanne: And so that's, that's how I wanna be with my kids.
• 31:09
  Christie: For sure.
• 31:10
  Cheryl: That is excellent.
• 31:11
  Cheryl: Wow, y'all.
• 31:12
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 31:13
  Cheryl: This was really good.
• 31:15
  Cheryl: Um, I'm not in my active parenting years, but I'm in a relationship with all my children and my grands, and a whole lot of other people, and I want to start living life more like this-
• 31:26
  Christie: Yeah
• 31:26
  Cheryl: of what we're talking about.
• 31:28
  Christie: I agree.
• 31:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:28
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 31:29
  Cheryl: Thank y'all so much.
• 31:30
  Christie: Thank you.
• 31:31
  Cheryl: Hey, parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: Maybe sometime this week as your child moves into whatever comes next, catch yourself for just a moment.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Not to find the right words or to add one more thing to your parenting list, just ask, what are they picking up from me right now?
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: It may be something as small as your delight in seeing them, the freedom to get something wrong, or the steadiness in your voice when the morning isn't going well.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: We don't always know which little things make the journey with them.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: But long after they've left the room, something of us goes with them We'd love to hear from you.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: You can find us on social media or write us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: Thanks for spending this time with us.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: We're glad we get to figure out some of this parenting life together