Latest / That Old Trope with Nathaniel Kressen / Listen for When It Echoes

Transcript

Listen for When It Echoes · That Old Trope with Nathaniel Kressen

• 1:28
  Good morning, Barilopians, and welcome to another that old trope with Nathaniel Cresson.
• 1:33
  I am your Nathaniel.
• 1:36
  I'm sitting here looking at a sheet of torn off graph paper from a sketchpad, the same sketchpad that I outlined the painting I talked about a couple episodes ago with the celestial and the human coming together in quite
• 1:52
  dramatic fashion.
• 1:58
  Doors open.
• 1:59
  Doors close here at Shay Peacock.
• 2:01
  Welcome to the fold.
• 2:03
  This sheet says, do the thing.
• 2:04
  Courage comes after.
• 2:06
  And I think this is an episode about the thing.
• 2:08
  And before we.
• 2:10
  Before we really ground into what the thing is, I think we have to ground into what the thing is not.
• 2:16
  How do we know that the thing we're chasing actually feeds our joy, our calm, our heart, our soul, our brain, our nether regions, all the hungers and appetites that bring us to our closest, most best self and uplift
• 2:32
  as many others as we can?
• 2:33
  How do we know it's the thing that we're actually swallowing, that we're actually chasing?
• 2:39
  How do we know?
• 2:41
  Well, for me, there are some tells.
• 2:45
  My body is a speaker box.
• 2:47
  It echoes to me what is going on.
• 2:50
  Physical discomfort, physical agony.
• 2:52
  You know, something going on, something stirring.
• 2:55
  Right before I started recording this episode, I made space on my little workspace desk here at Shape Peacock.
• 3:02
  And lo and behold, there's some things.
• 3:07
  So basically, it's an old desk that belonged to family.
• 3:11
  So this is passed down.
• 3:12
  This has echoes of past life.
• 3:16
  And because I know that I would feel sad if I damaged it unnecessarily, there is a strip, a length of canvas folded up over it that is acting as just a permanent drop cloth.
• 3:30
  As I put beverages and rocks and, you know, laptops and soundboard and all these things, I make sure that the surface, even though it isn't quite, you know, in great shape, anyways, I'm preserving what it is, and I
• 3:43
  got my canvas and that helps me breathe easy.
• 3:45
  I would not necessarily be able to breathe easy at this desk if I had to constantly worry about ruining it.
• 3:51
  So I created a shapeshift mechanism to bring me close to the thing, which is a desk that is for utility, not just looking nice, but one that I can ground into and be my sloppy.
• 4:03
  Or I wouldn't say sloppy, but I would say sometimes so in my own thinking, that I don't realize how hard I put things down ism.
• 4:15
  That kind of thing.
• 4:16
  I don't like damaging things if I can help it.
• 4:19
  So I'm creating an infrastructure here to make sure that things remain in a state that I can stand by and feel Proud about and feel happy about and just breathe easy through the day.
• 4:31
  So in this case, the thing is comfort in which to work and some legacy here.
• 4:39
  I'm carrying forward years of legacy from family.
• 4:44
  So it's Monday morning here at Shape Peacock.
• 4:47
  It is Monday morning and I don't have therapy.
• 4:53
  I don't have therapy this week because my therapist, who I love is taking some much needed time off, some much deserved time off.
• 5:00
  And I hope she enjoys it.
• 5:05
  I have work ahead.
• 5:07
  I got some clarity on what I can do work wise.
• 5:11
  So I'm in the sunlight this morning, I am grounding in and I'm sending off a couple nice notes to folks who I've had the great pleasure of bringing into my life recently.
• 5:21
  And I'm wishing him well, wishing him firepower, and I'm organizing some to do lists for this company, for my art, for all these things.
• 5:35
  I see a mosquito here, I see a mosquito here, and the question becomes whether to trap and release.
• 5:44
  Because there's respect for all life here at Shape Peacock.
• 5:50
  But mosquitoes hate those fuckers and they love me.
• 5:56
  So what to do with that?
• 6:00
  So I'm going over my to do list.
• 6:02
  I'm going over the strategery, the nudging along strategery to build things, to grow things, and knowing that everything that's meant to happen will happen in its own good time.
• 6:14
  I'm making the strides.
• 6:16
  All in good time, Nathaniel.
• 6:17
  All in good time.
• 6:18
  All in good time.
• 6:20
  Enjoy this sunshine, enjoy this process, because this really is the dream.
• 6:24
  This is really it.
• 6:28
  So I'm savoring the moment.
• 6:31
  I'm about to get, you know, going.
• 6:32
  I'm about to get on with my day.
• 6:34
  And then I'm like, I really want to savor this moment just one fraction more.
• 6:39
  And I look around, I realize I haven't watered my garden today.
• 6:43
  I've been pretty consistent with it.
• 6:45
  I wouldn't say I am the greatest, most intuitive gardener, but I'm learning and I care.
• 6:54
  And I love it when they speak back to me, when they echo through smells, through little like pats on the head, just, just like how much of an ecosystem it is back here, how much we're all in it
• 7:08
  together and how much they do rely on me.
• 7:10
  Because there are these planter beds that are raised up, they're feed troughs in the backyard.
• 7:15
  They were not always organized like this, but they're organized like this now.
• 7:18
  And I love the flow that I found with them.
• 7:22
  They're above ground feed troughs and so they don't draw moisture out of the earth, they rely on me watering them.
• 7:31
  And this is an older building, there is no hose out back.
• 7:36
  And so what I do is I take this watering can and I bring it inside, I fill it up and I bring it on back and water bit by bit.
• 7:48
  And that takes probably about five or six, six or seven rounds, especially in the heat of summer.
• 7:57
  And there is a.
• 7:58
  There is a season not so long ago when I was frustrated by this and I didn't do it all the time.
• 8:05
  And now I see it for what it is, which is a chance to slow down, a chance to savor the moment.
• 8:10
  A chance to water my garden.
• 8:11
  A chance to grow something where there was not something growing before.
• 8:18
  A chance to curate, a chance to build and a chance to breathe, to be outside.
• 8:25
  I love being outside.
• 8:26
  I love vegetation.
• 8:28
  I love the smell of growth.
• 8:31
  I love the smell of growth.
• 8:32
  Yes, I do.
• 8:33
  Yes, I do.
• 8:35
  As close as anything might be, that might be the thing right there, the smell of growth.
• 8:44
  I was in this play recently, this reading of a new play that I really liked called where the Fuck Is Dante?
• 8:52
  By Jason Vinoles.
• 8:54
  Vinoles.
• 8:57
  Sorry Jason, if I mangled your last name, but you wrote a good play, brother.
• 9:01
  It's kind of like a winning for Godot, but centered around two roommates.
• 9:07
  Two grown ass dudes as roommates who are waiting for their weed dealer.
• 9:12
  And it centers around the character I played, which is kind of like this perpetual sous chef who can't get advance because he gets his own.
• 9:18
  Gets in his own way, you know, who knows if he has the chops or not, but he doesn't do himself any favors.
• 9:23
  He womanizes.
• 9:25
  He plays the philosopher, the Couchstoner philosopher.
• 9:28
  Except now he doesn't have any weed and the love of his life is gone.
• 9:33
  And he won't admit it.
• 9:34
  He won't admit that he wasn't ready to grow up and face the thing and show the thing.
• 9:38
  She in a scene played by a friend of mine, Stacy.
• 9:44
  Stacy and I have the scene where you see them fall apart and it's touching.
• 9:54
  She says to him, in this play you're always looking over the other side, saying, is the grass greener?
• 10:05
  But the grass is greener where you water it.
• 10:11
  And it's funny when this play came up because I'd already recorded a trope that mentioned Dante, you know, Dante's Inferno, going through the circles following Virgil.
• 10:25
  And this play arose and kind of tapped into something that's been echoing recently for me, which is the roles I get cast in are Telling me things about myself.
• 10:40
  They're echoing parts of what's inside me that if I wanted to, I could water, I could ground into what.
• 10:49
  And just to lay the groundwork, these are rather misogynist characters.
• 10:55
  These are characters that have run the gamut from happy go lucky fuckboys with delusions of grandeur and mommy issues all the way to, you know, Epstein esque characters on Death Row.
• 11:14
  And to ground in to these roles has been interesting because they're not entirely dissimilar from me.
• 11:27
  And I'm going to do a proper breakdown of this in a future episode of that old trope.
• 11:32
  The working title I've been rolling over my head is Good morning, Mr.
• 11:35
  Misogyny.
• 11:37
  But these rolls, for the purposes of today's episode, just take them to mean that they reveal to me parts of myself that I really would rather were not there, but that I understand and I know that they are
• 11:52
  not the totality of me.
• 11:54
  And it's my choices and my decisions on how to direct my energy, how to move forward, how to treat other people, how to prioritize, how to grow, what to grow, what to water, what not to water.
• 12:08
  It allows me insight into fully realized versions of the other choice, the other decisions, or at the very least, paint a nuanced portrait of somebody who could be written off.
• 12:24
  So there are these echoes that have been coming to me through these acting roles, and there are echoes all the time.
• 12:30
  I'm going to talk a little bit on this subject of echoing these roles and real people too, understanding, really just noticing how people move through the world, how they treat one another, how they decide where to put their
• 12:47
  energy, what they fixate on, what they talk about, what they hope to grow versus what they complain about.
• 12:55
  Life is a full spectrum.
• 12:57
  It is fucking hard.
• 12:59
  It is a terrible time to.
• 13:03
  There's never been a more important time or a more terrible time to feel deeply because there's a lot going on in the world that if one wants to, they can feel very negative about.
• 13:12
  That is not.
• 13:17
  Is completely understandable.
• 13:19
  I have been there.
• 13:21
  I am there too, sometimes.
• 13:23
  Get it?
• 13:24
  And at some point, there comes a point in every man's life where he must throw off suffering like an old cloak.
• 13:32
  There is a time in every man's life when he must throw off suffering like an old cloak.
• 13:41
  For true paralopians, my thousand true fans, you will recognize that from a past episode, coming from Lust for Life, a fictionalized novelization of Vincent Van Gogh's life that came to me in a very interesting moment in my own.
• 14:02
  We can water the suffering, easiest thing in the world.
• 14:06
  We can suffer and suffer and suffer and nobody will stop us from suffering.
• 14:10
  Because you know what?
• 14:10
  We don't challenge or change anything.
• 14:12
  If we're suffering, We can all clap each other on the back and do nothing.
• 14:21
  We can all do that.
• 14:24
  That has been a defining pattern, let's just say, since the beginnings of time.
• 14:33
  Let's point to what's wrong and do nothing about it.
• 14:37
  Let's rally around change.
• 14:38
  And then once we take our chosen savior, push him forward to face the entire other army, and go back to whatever the fuck we were doing before.
• 14:49
  There are echoes of eternity in today.
• 14:54
  Anything I can point to in terms of how I choose to move through the world has already been done countless times and not done countless more times.
• 15:06
  The echo I'm giving is voice.
• 15:11
  I'm giving voice to what feels most inevitable and true to me.
• 15:17
  Because I do think that maybe we need more truth and vulnerability and sensitivity and autonomy and ownership and walking the walk in the world.
• 15:27
  That is not to say any illusion of perfection is residing over here, Any illusion of whatever.
• 15:34
  But I am tuning into what the best life, the most fully realized, truest, elevated, spiritually connected, humanly connected, artistically connected life is for me and just putting it out there.
• 15:50
  I'm looking at the field, coach.
• 15:53
  I'm looking at the field and I see a wide open fucking place to run.
• 15:57
  And that is the what heartfelt Muppet artist dude who fucks.
• 16:05
  Let me run for the open field, Let me chant to the rafters what it's like the whole time I'm doing it, because why the fuck not?
• 16:13
  I wanted this peacock life.
• 16:14
  This is me living it.
• 16:15
  This is me being rather than becoming.
• 16:18
  So here I am now.
• 16:22
  I joke about this.
• 16:24
  I joke about this plenty.
• 16:26
  This joke of the trope, that old trope, this entire show built around this middle aged white dude who goes through divorce and PTSD and comes out the other side thinking he has a podcast idea, a artistic, creative vision
• 16:48
  idea that has the power to change the world.
• 16:53
  Look at these indicators.
• 16:56
  Look at this vegetarianism.
• 16:58
  Look at these dried branches in his apartment.
• 17:01
  Look at this podcast where he talks about all his own problems and all his own solutions.
• 17:08
  Listen to him talk about his garden in that time in Macedonia.
• 17:15
  There's this photo.
• 17:19
  I don't know if you all know who Danny Elfman is.
• 17:23
  He is a frequent collaborator.
• 17:25
  He's a musician and an orchestrator, a composer who frequently works with Tim Burton, did the Simpsons theme song.
• 17:35
  And I listened to a interview with him on Marc Maron's podcast wtf?
• 17:41
  When it was still around.
• 17:41
  One of my favorites.
• 17:43
  That is a.
• 17:45
  He was instrumental.
• 17:46
  Marc Maron was instrumental to me.
• 17:50
  Understanding how to participate in an interview, to really ask and ground into the questions that elicit meaningful responses, how to frame questions, how to offer of self to get somebody else to offer of themselves.
• 18:09
  I think he's a really gifted interviewer.
• 18:15
  And in his conversation with Danny Elfman, something struck me just about the creative spirit and the drive and the thinking, the philosophy of the man that felt true to me, felt echoed to me.
• 18:27
  And I looked up a picture of him and I was expecting kind of like this Waifish, you know, Tim Burton esque character or something.
• 18:34
  And he's this Jack dude playing in a rock band with his shirt off, with tons of fucking tattoos and like a post punk haircut and like all this stuff.
• 18:44
  And I'm like, this is Danny Elfman.
• 18:46
  And I look at it and the more I look at it, I'm like, oh my God, that's me.
• 18:52
  That's me in the future.
• 18:54
  And I said it to my ex and a couple other people, I think, and they didn't see it.
• 19:03
  They were like, yeah, but the thing is, I'm doing these pull ups and I'm talking about some more tattoos and it's, you know, I'm in a rock band.
• 19:18
  I'm shaping the gravel honey thing.
• 19:21
  So, like, it's not that far off.
• 19:26
  And there was another time, and this was a little bit more intuitive to be seen.
• 19:31
  But I went to this VRBO so pre Airbnb vacation rentals by owner, and it was in Kingston, I think, and it was this dude who had basically had this long sloping lawn, and it was a building on a
• 19:52
  larger property.
• 19:53
  Long sloping lawn with wood sculptures he was making.
• 19:55
  And he was building a garage while I was there.
• 19:58
  And there was a tree house he had built with books inside it and a little sawdust outhouse right by a creek, like all this shit.
• 20:06
  And I'm looking at this, I'm just like, this is me.
• 20:08
  I don't know how, but like, this is me in like 10, 15 years.
• 20:12
  And I don't really remember when I went there, but I'm kind of like really on track to being in that exact mode, like very soon.
• 20:21
  And even if it takes longer than very soon, I'm grounding into that mode.
• 20:26
  So all of these things, from Jacked Up Danny Elfman to the Sculptor, it's falling into this mode that to me felt inevitable.
• 20:43
  I knew these parts of me that felt like a true vision of what I wanted life to look like and how I envisioned myself walking through it.
• 20:50
  And it was these glimpses, it was these echoes of something that immediately felt true and inevitable.
• 20:54
  And it was surprising to me when others couldn't see the same thing.
• 21:01
  And unfortunately, I think that is one of the biggest heartbreaks of life, is we are all in it with one another, but entirely alone.
• 21:16
  Nobody knows what's in my head or heart completely.
• 21:22
  It's impossible to communicate it.
• 21:25
  It's impossible to share my full self.
• 21:30
  And I didn't always know that as a truth.
• 21:32
  I thought if I couldn't share something with somebody, I felt empty and alone.
• 21:37
  I felt abandoned.
• 21:40
  I felt misunderstood, not cared about.
• 21:45
  And the truth is, is that no matter how much somebody cares about me, they can't live my life for me.
• 21:51
  It's my responsibility, it's my joy, it's my challenge, it's my opportunity.
• 21:55
  It's whatever I choose to do it.
• 21:58
  A dear friend named Bryce.
• 22:00
  Shout out to Bryce, who was helping out with some Jack Noid paralope stuff.
• 22:05
  Beautiful human being.
• 22:08
  Bryce said this thing the other day, and it amounted to, no one is coming to save you.
• 22:19
  At the same time.
• 22:20
  No one is coming to stop you.
• 22:25
  That is a phrase that has been rolling over in my head that my partner and I have rolled over in our heads a few times.
• 22:34
  Bryce and she finally met each other as of the recording of this a couple days ago.
• 22:39
  That was beautiful.
• 22:45
  So knowing that nobody is coming to save me, nobody is coming to stop me, it's on me to live whatever life I want, whatever truest life I can imagine for myself, it's on me.
• 22:56
  And it's going to be a lot of fucking work.
• 22:59
  But the work can be joyful.
• 23:01
  I can savor the moment while I'm watering the garden rather than shaking my fist as to how long it takes, as to how my focus is prevented from doing something else.
• 23:10
  It's like, water the garden, man, just water the garden.
• 23:16
  Because you like having a garden.
• 23:18
  And this is what it takes to have it.
• 23:23
  So there are experiences that have echoed.
• 23:28
  There are people I've come across that have echoed for me.
• 23:30
  There are words and books and in poetry and movie lines and music that all echo.
• 23:41
  They echo different parts of me that feel true and inevitable and awakened for having felt that connection.
• 23:47
  There's another episode of Trope where it talks about the role of art, you know, the power of art in connecting to our own humanity, our own experience, by having it echoed from outside.
• 24:04
  And that's one of the greatest things that art can do is help us feel seen and understood and not alone, even as we are.
• 24:13
  Our shared experience.
• 24:14
  Giving voice to our shared experience.
• 24:21
  Songs come on for me at certain times and it feels quite mystical.
• 24:27
  You know, it feels like messaging, feels like constant messaging from the universe that help, that does help me tune in.
• 24:32
  And whether or not it's true, whether or not there's some divine power on a jukebox that's sending me signals, the point is, because I believe there is.
• 24:41
  But even if you don't want to go all woo woo with me, the point is I feel something when certain songs come on.
• 24:48
  I hear certain words in those songs that make me feel insight, that help give me insight into something that's already on my mind or in the background of my mind.
• 25:00
  Something that just like flashes and it's like a spotlight.
• 25:05
  Be like, here's some insight.
• 25:06
  Do with it what you want.
• 25:10
  I take those signals and whenever possible, and it is quite often whenever possible, like walking up the dune and going to the, you know, the road with the plastic bag in hand and ending up on a private beach
• 25:24
  with calm waters.
• 25:28
  Things end up working, things end up feeling true.
• 25:34
  Because at the very least I am taking a first step that feels true, that echoes truth within me and that leads to something else.
• 25:42
  And when I this is almost like, you know, this can be a thing in its own right.
• 25:49
  If I take the first true step, it reveals more options.
• 25:53
  And from those, if I take the truest option out of that, then that opens up to other ones and I can feel what's truest from there.
• 25:59
  So really it's just a practice, a process of moving forward through the world, moving through decisions and grounding into inner truth that then yields more reward.
• 26:12
  Because if we're always true, then we're always getting truth back if we choose something that's less than true.
• 26:19
  And you know, no shame casting here, like we all have responsibilities and competing things and like all that stuff.
• 26:25
  It's not always possible to be purely self motivated and, you know, self righteous about what truth is, but there are times when it is possible.
• 26:35
  So let's just focus on those, you know, rather than lamenting that it's not always possible to be perfect or not always possible to do something, let's tune in decision by decision.
• 26:44
  Maybe some things actually do feel possible if we break it down into bite sized chunks, breath by breath by breath.
• 26:53
  So this episode's title is Listen for When It Echoes.
• 26:58
  And this title came to me in a moment.
• 26:59
  This Morning when I was in my backyard and I had that savor the moment water the garden thing.
• 27:09
  It was shortly before 9 o' clock here in Brooklyn.
• 27:13
  I'm getting ready.
• 27:14
  I'm getting ready to amp up.
• 27:15
  And, you know, I bring the watering can in, this watering can that is rather kind of rustic brown.
• 27:24
  Maybe a little bit of rose gold in there, but it's kind of rustic brown.
• 27:27
  It's plastic, and it's not something I would have bought, but it used to belong to neighbors, dear friends who were neighbors, and it's their leftover watering can.
• 27:47
  These are not folks who are in my life anymore.
• 27:51
  I wish them well, I send them love, but they're not in my life anymore.
• 27:57
  As I went through some of the darkest, hardest days of my life, those friendships that I could have really used were not there.
• 28:09
  And it hurt.
• 28:13
  And it's not to say they won't come back when it echoes, true, but I just kind of listened.
• 28:22
  I listened for who.
• 28:25
  Who in my life was there when I needed them, When I express something, who heard me versus who focused on something else.
• 28:40
  And I have this watering can and I use it because there is no spigot out back.
• 28:47
  There's no spigot out back.
• 28:49
  So once again, it's like six or seven times inside, outside to water this garden.
• 28:54
  But I can fix that.
• 28:59
  Maybe now is the time to put one in.
• 29:01
  Maybe now is the time to hire a plumber to run it.
• 29:03
  I know how it would be run, and it will take money that I probably, you know, don't need to spend on that, but it will help me water my garden and it will make me joyful, or at the
• 29:16
  very least, I can buy a fucking watering can that's my own.
• 29:20
  That feels true to Shea Peacock.
• 29:27
  There are any number of things that are possible if I just decide to figure them out and take the steps to accomplish them.
• 29:41
  That is a very daunting and scary admission that my life is mine to cultivate, and my life is mine to cultivate, and yours is too.
• 30:02
  My partner asked me the other day what I would change about shape Peacock if I could, what would I change visually?
• 30:10
  And the beautiful thing is that this has been a place that echoes the personal growth and the self actualization, self acceptance and unbridled creativity.
• 30:24
  You know, got a giant peacock mural, a color wheel thing, dried branches, instruments, paintings.
• 30:32
  You know, it's a vibe.
• 30:36
  What would I change?
• 30:37
  And really, I came down to a couple things.
• 30:41
  There's some lighting fixtures that are missing right now.
• 30:44
  And I have a vision for what they will be when I come across them.
• 30:48
  And I would like a better bathroom door.
• 30:50
  I was working on one, but don't have access to that door anymore.
• 30:54
  So I need to get another door when it's right for me.
• 30:57
  And the Spigot Outback.
• 30:58
  The Spigot Outback would be nice, But it feels like the inevitable realization of what echoes true to end up here in such a place.
• 31:12
  It feels so obvious to me, and it's not obvious to anybody else, but it's obvious to me.
• 31:18
  I followed the truth and decision by decision, you know, like it's coming together in the silly, weird way that it does.
• 31:28
  Great.
• 31:29
  It's mine to enjoy.
• 31:30
  Great.
• 31:33
  So I bring this watering can inside to my kitchen and put it in the sink.
• 31:42
  And as it's filling up, I get down the ground and I do a forearm plank.
• 31:49
  And this is not just because I want to, you know, feel good in my body and feel fit and stuff.
• 31:54
  I also got some lower back stuff going on.
• 31:55
  And this is now practice I'm employing.
• 31:58
  I want to feel better.
• 31:59
  I got to take the steps to feel better.
• 32:01
  I can't just lament the fact that my back hurts.
• 32:03
  That does nobody any good.
• 32:07
  So I'm on the ground, I'm doing this plank, and it sounds like it's starting to fill up.
• 32:11
  So I get up and it turns out, oh, it's only half full and it's filling up, and I'm like, huh, I misjudged it.
• 32:19
  And rather than be like, okay, well, let me get back down and then back up when it starts overflowing and stuff, I'm like, well, let me just observe and let me listen for when it sounds like it's almost
• 32:32
  full.
• 32:32
  So I know.
• 32:33
  So next time when I bring this back and fill it up for the second time, I can get down on the floor and do a plank, you know, for the full length of time.
• 32:40
  I don't have to cut it short.
• 32:42
  I'm listening and listening and listening.
• 32:44
  And then it starts echoing.
• 32:50
  It starts echoing when it's close because it's filled up enough that the splash of the water is echoing across the insides of the top lid, the inside lid of this watering can.
• 33:07
  I stop the thing and I, you know, plug the little spout with my thumb and I'm carrying it back with little splish splashes.
• 33:15
  It's okay.
• 33:16
  It's my place.
• 33:17
  I'm okay with some splish splashes.
• 33:18
  On the way back, I'm carrying it outside.
• 33:22
  The church bells start going just as I'm thinking the Phrase, listen for when it echoes.
• 33:28
  It's when it echoes.
• 33:33
  And if you listen in the background right now, church bells were earlier, but there's somebody backing up some van or something.
• 33:40
  There's traffic, there's Pan American Airlines flying abovehead.
• 33:47
  There's the hiss of this space.
• 33:50
  There's little things with my mics that I would improve.
• 33:53
  But bottom line, my words are reaching you with all this surrounding context and all these sounds.
• 34:01
  We're together.
• 34:03
  It's alright, it's okay if it isn't perfect.
• 34:14
  There's something beautiful and just noticing how much good there is.
• 34:23
  Understanding that there's a lot of hard, of course, but truly grounding in like there's a lot of good.
• 34:37
  The things that are most difficult to feel gratitude for are the ones that don't feel true.
• 34:43
  That we are forcing the compromises and the begrudging acceptances and agreements.
• 34:54
  The things where we feel beyond capacity, where we feel misunderstood or unseen.
• 35:00
  That's when it really gets hard.
• 35:03
  That's when it really gets hard to accept life and feel grateful for it is when we aren't living true life.
• 35:17
  I couldn't have imagined being here a year ago, month ago, shit, a couple days ago, some things were dawning on me that helped land me right here.
• 35:34
  And I keep deepening my understanding of where I want to be based on what feels inevitable and true.
• 35:42
  I just take it one step at a time, one breath at a time, and acknowledge that I don't have answers for some things and action isn't always needed on everything that I feel discomfort or dissatisfaction with.
• 35:55
  Some things just kind of suck.
• 35:58
  And that's okay.
• 35:59
  It's not mine to fix.
• 36:00
  I can't fix it.
• 36:02
  Fuck it.
• 36:04
  This shirt I have that I wore yesterday and the day before called Never Worried, Never Hurried, and it has a picture of a brontosaurus kind of taking a hot bath as the asteroids fall all down around him.
• 36:21
  It felt good to wear that shirt and tear open the neck a little bit because I was feeling constrained.
• 36:30
  So, Paralopians.
• 36:31
  I want you to do something.
• 36:34
  You have three options.
• 36:36
  Because I'm not a fan of prescriptive content, you have three options.
• 36:41
  One, you can close your eyes and breathe for 60 seconds and think about something that either exists now or might exist by taking some step that you feel grateful for, something that will bring you joy.
• 37:02
  Two, you can listen for a moment to this hum in the background and write in the comments of this episode what the heck you think is happening.
• 37:13
  Because it just started and I'm curious.
• 37:16
  Here we go.
• 37:26
  If it is a spaceship rising up from underneath this place and this episode reaches you, it means I'm dispatching from Mars 3.
• 37:39
  You can listen for the music around you and see if something catches you in a true way.
• 37:53
  That's all.
• 37:54
  That's homework.
• 37:55
  I got my Calvin and Hobbes to read, so I'll let you know how things turn out.
• 38:11
  Sa.