Latest / State Of Mind Mental Health Podcast / #116 - From Juvenile Detention to Medical Doctor: Dr. Dhruva Gulur on Rebuilding Your Life & Identity

Transcript

#116 - From Juvenile Detention to Medical Doctor: Dr. Dhruva Gulur on Rebuilding Your Life & Identity · State Of Mind Mental Health Podcast

• 0:00
  Why should I just say Johnny?
• 0:01
  or Ramesh or Savitra, you know, or Amy, you know, a boss, a coworker, a friend, they should have done that.
• 0:08
  Why didn't they do that?
• 0:09
  Now your mind is looping, but they should have done that.
• 0:12
  Hey, you know what?
• 0:12
  That person doesn't like that person.
• 0:14
  Does it?
• 0:14
  You know what?
• 0:15
  Man, taxes are so, I just can't, I need to pay.
• 0:18
  know April 15th is, you're thinking about all of these things and it's not even 6.01 AM.
• 0:24
  And now you're in a full neurobiologic stress cascade.
• 0:26
  The cortisol is high epinephrine, neuroepinephrine is spiked.
• 0:30
  And, and then you need to quiet that with some dopamine.
• 0:33
  You got to quiet that amygdala, that emotional, that limbic hijack, not even limbic static, not limbic friction.
• 0:39
  It's limbic hijack.
• 0:41
  You've been hijacked at six, six, whatever six, between six and six on one AM you're just, you're already hijacked.
• 0:48
  Hello, everybody.
• 0:49
  Welcome to the State of Mind Podcast: Tools, Stories, and Truth on Being Human.
• 0:55
  My name is Mike Stroh, and this is a podcast for living with courage, clarity, and compassion.
• 1:01
  On today's episode, I am speaking with Dreva Galur.
• 1:04
  Hello, Druva, thank you so much for joining me and for your willingness to share your experience and wisdom with us.
• 1:10
  Can you tell us a little bit about yourself and what brings you to this point in your life and what you're up to now?
• 1:18
  Yeah, thanks for having me, Mike, and thanks for what you do for the community and people to inspire to live their best life and understand other people's stories and alchemize
• 1:30
  their, what people may perceive as problems and inspire from that to just live a better life in that neuro spiritual, that sovereign, that freedom frequency.
• 1:41
  But my name is Druva and my mission is to
• 1:46
  feed the poor, purify their water.
• 1:48
  I want to put a water filtration system starting with Haiti, but my vision is all over the world to purify water and to feed the poor and help those in emotional isolation believe
• 1:59
  in themselves.
• 2:00
  Awesome.
• 2:00
  And so you have an extensive personal history, I guess, that contributes to a lot of the things that you are teaching people.
• 2:11
  I am going to hold off before I share something.
• 2:13
  So can you tell us a little bit about your childhood, your adolescent, all, you know, well, not all, many of the things that you endured to lead you to where you are now.
• 2:27
  Yeah, I never really asked for all of this.
• 2:31
  I mean, I would say if my mom was still alive, I probably wouldn't be as involved.
• 2:35
  But I always like to say I really don't have much to do anymore besides just develop and uh try to do what I can to afford my mission and to inspire as many people as possible
• 2:48
  with my story.
• 2:49
  I was born to immigrant parents.
• 2:53
  in Juneau, but they came from South India to live the American in Juneau, Alaska.
• 3:00
  Yeah, which is a unique place for Indian immigrants to end up, I assume.
• 3:05
  Yeah, I, okay.
• 3:06
  Well, here's something that's very fascinating with the story.
• 3:09
  I haven't gone back to Juneau until two weeks ago in my 46 years.
• 3:14
  Well, I went there for, I'm 46, but I went there last, I ran away from Seattle when I was 12 for three months and I was in seventh grade there.
• 3:24
  That was when I was maybe 11 or 12, but I lived in Juneau until I was seven, until I got separated from my mom.
• 3:30
  And in the mid seventies, I mean, my dad, he must've been,
• 3:35
  He was looking, watched that movie with Amitabh Bachchan, maybe watched that movie with Clint Eastwood.
• 3:41
  And he was like, I'm coming to America.
• 3:43
  You you just think about that time where you just have so much drive and immigrate to, and he comes to the University of Utah in the mid 70s, early 70s.
• 3:53
  And from what he says, and he's very true to the story, I went to the University of Utah with $1 and a pair of chapel.
• 4:01
  I mean, just like some sandals.
• 4:04
  or five was a $5.
• 4:06
  He had he had some money.
• 4:07
  He had a pair of temples that you know, completed University of Utah, calling people talking networking, Juno had an influx of money in the mid 70s because of the Alaska
• 4:21
  pipeline.
• 4:21
  I just learned about this just a couple of weeks ago when I was in Juno, just three weeks ago.
• 4:26
  I mean, what a what an Oh, my goodness, the beauty there is amazing.
• 4:30
  In any event, he comes there in the 70s.
• 4:33
  And we're talking about a lot of money, and it's a small town, and it's the capital, and people are just giving out loans like nobody's business.
• 4:44
  My dad has a master's degree in civil engineering.
• 4:48
  You know, when I went there now, fast forward, and even from back then, you see the cinema there.
• 4:54
  It's the fog, the muted light, and the fog going, the grayish clouds just going at
• 5:00
  five miles an hour, you have these mountains with the white caps on them springing up out of the clear blue water, that crisp air, that lichen laden air with the lichen growing on
• 5:11
  the trees, because it's the rainforest, and that lush green.
• 5:14
  And it just has this distinct smell because of the low pollution.
• 5:19
  And there are these trees that you will never say that they're from anywhere else but maybe Alaska.
• 5:24
  But they just couldn't see any of that.
• 5:27
  Because growing up, my dad
• 5:28
  trying to fight himself being gay.
• 5:30
  My mom was schizophrenic.
• 5:31
  My brother was gay also trying to fight his way through that immigrants.
• 5:36
  My dad was an immigrant there.
• 5:38
  He also had maybe what five he had he sponsored five people just some real gangster stuff, you know, sponsored five individuals from India.
• 5:48
  They're all in this one house in on Douglas Island in Juneau.
• 5:52
  And all you can feel the self hatred in the house.
• 5:56
  My dad hitting me, making me hit my mom, my brother hitting my making me my making my brother hit my mom.
• 6:02
  It's how protective services adult and small town Juno adult protective services, the Juno police.
• 6:07
  My dad built a home actually for some politician.
• 6:12
  And there was some corruption there too.
• 6:14
  But he just lost all the money.
• 6:16
  And there's only one person who had a stable job.
• 6:19
  which was my mom at the time, but she was in and out of psychiatric institutions, but still, I guess they're pretty forgiving there.
• 6:26
  And with that said, my parents divorced at seven, my dad filed for bankruptcy, my mom filed for bankruptcy.
• 6:33
  You know, I'm having this understanding of life that there's nothing but yelling.
• 6:38
  you know, I just didn't, I didn't know what it meant.
• 6:41
  My grandma was there and she was trying to do what she could from that,
• 6:44
  nurturing perspective, but it just wasn't it just wasn't there.
• 6:49
  It is his his hatred was just too potent.
• 6:53
  And if he couldn't gain emotional leverage on you, he would just beat it out of you.
• 6:57
  And after that, I moved to Seattle, I'm tired of being bullied at seven, nine years old, 10 years old, you know, I start getting into problems at school.
• 7:06
  And then lo and behold, when I'm 14 and 15, you know, one year, I'm
• 7:12
  I want to be Crip and the next year I'm gonna want to be blood.
• 7:15
  You know, whoever would take me in, whoever would say, Hey, look, you know what?
• 7:19
  We got you.
• 7:20
  We got you.
• 7:21
  Is this what love finally somebody is accepting me is what I thought.
• 7:27
  And then I wound up going to juvenile detention three times and fast forward to when I'm 17, two pocket just died.
• 7:34
  That's the way I remember it.
• 7:36
  Two pocket just died and maybe it was 1996 and
• 7:40
  I'm standing outside of the courtroom, white walls, orange jumpsuit waiting for me, nothing new.
• 7:46
  I take out a cigarette.
• 7:47
  At this time, I'm by myself.
• 7:49
  My mom is in a hospital.
• 7:51
  My dad's in India because he just couldn't, I mean, it must have been difficult for him.
• 7:55
  He just couldn't make it.
• 7:56
  So he just bounced to India at the time.
• 7:58
  And my family in India said, look, you're going to have to get this guy.
• 8:02
  He's he's he's going to be dead or in prison for the rest of his life.
• 8:05
  Luckily, I never did anything violent.
• 8:07
  It was stealing.
• 8:08
  and uh joyriding.
• 8:10
  But you know, I got this orange jumpsuit waiting for me.
• 8:12
  My dad walks into the courtroom.
• 8:14
  He's all of a sudden shows up after I don't remember how many years I hadn't seen him for.
• 8:20
  My family from India show up and my dad goes to the judge, Your Honor, my son, he's a thief, vagabond, criminal, but I will take him to India, Your Honor.
• 8:30
  I'll show him the way.
• 8:33
  Then what happens, I was supposed to go away for six months, shoot, 17, and give me another few more months, I would have been two guys who had, you know those guys who have
• 8:42
  your back, those guys who actually will beat somebody up for you, who've done it.
• 8:47
  It's not that they might, they did it.
• 8:50
  Two of those guys died just about a year after I left.
• 8:54
  One guy went to prison for two years.
• 8:56
  I mean,
• 8:57
  And you know, I'm the guy who needs to be heard.
• 9:00
  I'm the guy I got street credibility.
• 9:01
  It's my third time in juvenile detention.
• 9:04
  You know, I got the street cred.
• 9:06
  I want to be the boss.
• 9:07
  I would have done whatever I could.
• 9:10
  But then I go to India.
• 9:11
  And in India to study you.
• 9:14
  I mean, to be cool, you study in India, but to be cool in Seattle.
• 9:18
  I mean, what a dog you got half on the 20 sack in India.
• 9:22
  You know, they're like, man, did you study or trick?
• 9:25
  How was it?
• 9:25
  All night long when I studied.
• 9:27
  I'm like, what does that even mean?
• 9:29
  What does it mean to study?
• 9:30
  Like, I didn't know what, didn't, I never had heard of no fractions, the table of elements.
• 9:35
  I didn't know what's, that N, A meant sodium.
• 9:37
  I didn't know what it meant to be a doctor or something.
• 9:40
  I never, didn't know any of this stuff.
• 9:43
  But then I'm just like, well, you know what?
• 9:45
  I figured out how to put, you know, how to put a flathead in a car and joyride it.
• 9:50
  I think I can figure out physics.
• 9:52
  So that's when I just stayed down for a couple of years and then wound up getting the seven scholarships into medical school.
• 10:00
  But what happened was with my nervous system is that there was so much hatred and the low self-esteem and the low confidence was so prevalent that I always like to tell people that
• 10:12
  if you see those people who are loud, obnoxious, abrasive, aggressive, wanting to control the whole room,
• 10:19
  I always like to say that there's that overconfidence is directly proportional to low self-esteem.
• 10:24
  All that stuff that happened when I was young, I had no idea what really happened.
• 10:27
  I never had understood it.
• 10:29
  I was what 21 when I got into med school.
• 10:32
  And that's when it really began, where I buried everything.
• 10:36
  I fixed my emotions, controlled my thoughts, and then tried to deal with things.
• 10:41
  So that's kind of the childhood.
• 10:42
  And then of course, maybe about 17 years later, I have a cocaine induced manic episode.
• 10:48
  because of this, because of me suppressing things, fixing my emotions, trying to regulate my mind, trying to be strong, trying to be positive, all that stuff just led me to a life
• 10:59
  of drugs, alcohol, and narcissism.
• 11:02
  Okay.
• 11:04
  Thank you for that.
• 11:05
  First of all, I have, I have a brother who lives in schizophrenia.
• 11:08
  I was convicted of trafficking drugs at 16.
• 11:13
  I can relate to a lot of that madness.
• 11:15
  When, when you, or I guess can you
• 11:18
  Maybe it's better just to sort of the statement of all of the things you went through clearly impact people and it clearly impacted you.
• 11:26
  The trip to India.
• 11:27
  So obviously the judge did let you go.
• 11:29
  You go to India, you sort of bear down, you get through school, you go to med school.
• 11:36
  How?
• 11:38
  And then as you just said from there, I can't remember the exact timeline, 15 years later you have the...
• 11:43
  um
• 11:44
  cocaine induced manic episode.
• 11:46
  can you tell us a little bit more about how you got like one into med school and then up until that point of the episode?
• 11:54
  Yeah, well, I'm in med school.
• 11:55
  You know, my dad wanted to control everybody.
• 11:58
  I was the last the last person standing.
• 12:01
  You know who else is going to carry his name?
• 12:03
  My visa, my Indian visa was going to expire a day before my Indian visa expired.
• 12:09
  I was homeless.
• 12:10
  My cousin took care of me London.
• 12:12
  One of my friends took care of me in New York.
• 12:14
  Almost four years I was out of med school and I didn't get into residency one time.
• 12:19
  I failed step three twice.
• 12:20
  So now what happens is that you go to med school.
• 12:23
  You know, get scholarships and you got this high, you know, I'm rapping in school.
• 12:27
  I'm speaking in school.
• 12:28
  I'm getting loved on as my dad is trying to pay cops to put put my dad was putting me in jail in India paying for cops and trying to bribe school officials to people to fail me.
• 12:40
  He just did not stop.
• 12:41
  This is just some small things.
• 12:43
  There's so much more.
• 12:44
  Yeah, yeah.
• 12:45
  And sorry, is it because of just his abusive nature?
• 12:49
  Or did he think to his delusion that he was helping you?
• 12:53
  Like, what was his kind of, do you know what his motivation was?
• 12:56
  I think I like what you asked me there, Mike, because this is important to understand, is that I'm not of the narcissistic traits that I had, victimhood, blaming people, talking
• 13:06
  bad about people, being condescending, saying I'm better than them because of this, was the biggest problem.
• 13:13
  I never really had that problem because my dad just would always say that I'm stupid.
• 13:18
  I just thought that was my identity.
• 13:19
  I thought I was dumb, stupid, but somehow I'm just getting through school.
• 13:23
  Maybe it's other people that are helping me.
• 13:25
  Maybe my dad is right.
• 13:27
  And what happens is that one day I'm walking down as hot, humid in Mangler and you take a shower, you have these beads of sweat that are dripping down after I'm about to go to my
• 13:37
  final year exam.
• 13:38
  And I have my books, my backpack, I got my cigarettes in there and I got my bottle of water and I'm heading out like usual.
• 13:45
  And my dad stands there and he looks at me and he says, that means I want you to fail 10 times.
• 13:53
  And at 24, was 24 maybe, final year of med school, I mean, I never really cried, but I just started crying at that moment.
• 14:00
  My grandma had died.
• 14:01
  My mom is institutionalized with schizophrenia.
• 14:04
  My brother is in and out of rehab filed for bankruptcy.
• 14:07
  And I just didn't have, I have people in med school.
• 14:11
  had a good partner at the time and my dad just didn't like that.
• 14:15
  And as I wrote from his perspective, hundreds of times, I've written from my dad's perspective over a thousand times.
• 14:22
  just to kind of see what he was thinking, not an attempt to forgive him, but just out of care, why would you do that?
• 14:28
  I just got to know why would you do that?
• 14:29
  So at that time, what is his awareness?
• 14:31
  It's mindless.
• 14:32
  He doesn't have mindful behavior.
• 14:34
  His way of life, his lifestyle was taking people to court, talking crap about them, displaying that.
• 14:41
  See, there's a big difference between narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits.
• 14:47
  It's very important to understand that narcissistic personality disorder is super rare.
• 14:52
  I mean, it's so rare.
• 14:53
  It's where you just have this pervasive exploiting relationships.
• 14:57
  Of course, you have the classic blaming, condescending, talking crap about others behind their back.
• 15:02
  Those are all narcissistic traits.
• 15:04
  But if you're aware of it, then that's not narcissistic personality disorder.
• 15:08
  You got to have this gross lack of empathy.
• 15:11
  And my dad at that time, how old was he?
• 15:14
  24, my mom 30 years older, 40 years older.
• 15:17
  My dad must have been 64.
• 15:19
  So this is a guy who's filed for bankruptcy twice at this moment.
• 15:21
  He's gay, can't accept it.
• 15:23
  He hasn't been with somebody ever maybe in his life besides my mom.
• 15:27
  I don't know.
• 15:28
  And he doesn't have any friends.
• 15:31
  He doesn't have anybody, any family.
• 15:33
  He doesn't have anybody that respects him.
• 15:35
  And here's his son who is rapping at school, playing basketball in the leagues in India and is speaking there.
• 15:43
  and people like him and he's about to graduate.
• 15:46
  We got to stop this because you know what, we both can't, we both got to fail.
• 15:50
  And I think honestly, that's what his life, but it was pervasive.
• 15:54
  It wasn't, oh, let's just say something bad to him.
• 15:58
  This was his way of life.
• 16:01
  This is a lifestyle.
• 16:02
  And it's so fascinating to know that this is how he protected himself.
• 16:07
  And I honestly don't think that he thought he was doing anything wrong.
• 16:10
  And I like what you said about
• 16:12
  I don't think that he thought he may have thought he was protecting me in some way.
• 16:16
  But in any event, all of that happens, you know, I somehow come to the US again after nine years of being in India.
• 16:24
  I was in India for nine years.
• 16:25
  And I was in India for nine years.
• 16:29
  And all of this stuff, see, I had blocked it out.
• 16:32
  I had forgotten about it.
• 16:34
  And then I do the biggest thing I ever did in my life is,
• 16:38
  And that morning, that early, cold October New York morning where you know, it's crisp that I remember having to put some gloves on and taking go into the psychiatric facility.
• 16:51
  I'm like, what am I getting myself into?
• 16:53
  Because I didn't know my mom.
• 16:54
  I didn't know who she was.
• 16:56
  And then my mom looks at the psychiatric facility, the manager there.
• 17:00
  And she was like, I don't think I'm coming back.
• 17:03
  Goodbye, everybody.
• 17:04
  And that was that.
• 17:05
  So I take her out of a nursing home.
• 17:07
  I finished residency.
• 17:08
  I got married.
• 17:09
  Everything.
• 17:10
  I had everything that you would ever wanted.
• 17:12
  You could see some of my pictures then I was happy.
• 17:14
  At least that's what I thought everybody wanted.
• 17:16
  But I had so much self-hatred, so much narcissism, so self-loathing.
• 17:20
  My self-esteem was so shot.
• 17:22
  Drinking, smoking weed, smoking cigarettes, being a doctor.
• 17:26
  You know, it just kind of, it must have sucked for people around me.
• 17:29
  Cause I just wasn't a good person.
• 17:31
  you, did you, like, were you aware of it all then?
• 17:37
  Or, or, no?
• 17:39
  Yeah, okay.
• 17:40
  Yeah.
• 17:41
  it was all protective.
• 17:42
  Yeah, you just didn't, you don't know because you see, hadn't, I hadn't written it down enough.
• 17:46
  And if Mike would have said, Hey, bro, you're good, man.
• 17:49
  You're a doctor.
• 17:50
  really?
• 17:51
  Oh, okay.
• 17:52
  All right.
• 17:53
  Oh, he says I'm good.
• 17:55
  Hey, you know what?
• 17:55
  Go to the bar, man.
• 17:56
  Those guys, they said, man, you made it.
• 17:58
  Okay.
• 17:59
  we're good.
• 18:00
  So this fleeting little hits of validation.
• 18:04
  needed that.
• 18:04
  They're like, you know what, man, your dad's the problem.
• 18:07
  wait a second, maybe he was hurting too.
• 18:09
  No, no, no, he's the problem.
• 18:10
  Oh, I believe you.
• 18:12
  You sound like you know what you're talking about.
• 18:14
  So this was what I was experiencing.
• 18:16
  And then my ex-wife, if she hears this, I just want her to know that, mean, blessed her to be in my life.
• 18:25
  And if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have been as inspired.
• 18:29
  I mean, just showing me compassion, showing me empathy, and I just didn't do.
• 18:33
  do right by her.
• 18:34
  And after she left, I said, Forget about it.
• 18:36
  I got to know what it means to love myself.
• 18:38
  I'm not going to ever display these narcissistic traits.
• 18:40
  I'm not going to lie to somebody about me smoking cigarettes about me drinking.
• 18:45
  I'm just gonna just lie to myself.
• 18:47
  Okay, I just rather just lie to myself, not have anybody around.
• 18:51
  My mom was chilling with me at the time.
• 18:53
  We're traveling all over the world.
• 18:54
  And then I started rapping more and more.
• 18:57
  I've been rapping my whole life, but more and more.
• 19:00
  And when you listen to rap, example, like Eminem or you listen to NF, why is it they sound articulate?
• 19:05
  They're vulnerable.
• 19:06
  It's because you write so much.
• 19:08
  And I just wrote so much.
• 19:11
  And there was one bar that really changed everything is uh low self-esteem and low confidence was my genetic makeup.
• 19:17
  I had to accept it in order for me to wake up.
• 19:20
  And I was like, who's saying that?
• 19:22
  That's because you're just writing it.
• 19:24
  You're not really thinking too much.
• 19:26
  Who's saying that?
• 19:27
  Yeah.
• 19:28
  And you know, when you start writing some of these things about self hate and self loathing and why am I stupid?
• 19:35
  But I'm not though.
• 19:37
  Then that's when it really began and that journey from self hate.
• 19:40
  But then I started drinking by myself, smoking up by myself, started doing cocaine.
• 19:45
  And then 2018, I had that cocaine induced manic episode.
• 19:49
  And that's when everything shifted.
• 19:51
  That was, I had a big shift then too, of course.
• 19:53
  I was going to lose everything, right?
• 19:55
  300 K.
• 19:56
  gambling debt, I was going to lose my home, was going to lose my career, me and my mom were going to be whatever, I don't know what could happen.
• 20:06
  And you talk about this idea of monastic solitude.
• 20:10
  What does that mean?
• 20:12
  And or how did you go from all of this to where you are now?
• 20:15
  How did the light bulb as you were describing in that rhyme?
• 20:21
  Come on.
• 20:21
  Yeah.
• 20:22
  And you know, it was, it was some of these rap songs that I was writing in November of 2015 is when I decided that I'm going to be alone until I figure this out.
• 20:33
  And since then I've been in monastic solitude.
• 20:35
  My mom was living with me.
• 20:37
  I call it the urban monk life where I'm, was going to write my way out of it.
• 20:41
  I was going to go into therapy.
• 20:43
  I was going to try to stop drinking, try to stop smoking.
• 20:47
  But the biggest thing is I didn't want to depend on anybody emotionally.
• 20:50
  And that's what I call monastic solitude.
• 20:53
  Where since 2010, I've been in two relationships that were about three years total.
• 20:59
  I slept next to somebody what, 50 nights?
• 21:01
  Out of that whole, since 2015.
• 21:05
  I've been single on purpose for about eight years in that time.
• 21:10
  But for five years, it was straight.
• 21:12
  Maybe I was dating here and there, but I was not serious.
• 21:15
  I would even tell them.
• 21:16
  Interestingly, you know, when you tell them that you're not ready for a relationship, I would tell them, look, I want your attention, but I don't want to be emotionally
• 21:26
  dependent.
• 21:27
  And I don't want to be in a relationship.
• 21:29
  That's when they want to be in relationship.
• 21:33
  Interestingly, I was such a I mean, if you want to call it that, I guess, I don't know, is this bad to say a simp or something or just like, oh, you're the best or your greatest the
• 21:42
  people pleasing.
• 21:43
  That was me.
• 21:44
  I needed you to like me so bad.
• 21:46
  But at that moment, I hated myself so much that I just couldn't bring anybody into that.
• 21:51
  That was kind of that relationship style.
• 21:54
  And then, I mean, there's been periods of time where I haven't done anything.
• 21:58
  No social media, no dating apps, nothing.
• 22:01
  So that's what I, and I'm writing to develop myself, to understand why is it that I'm saying these things about myself.
• 22:08
  I don't believe those people who blame institutions.
• 22:10
  I cannot blame my dad.
• 22:12
  I don't know what he had gone through.
• 22:14
  I think that I'm here to inspire somebody.
• 22:16
  Why is it that God's blessed me with all of these things?
• 22:18
  So these questions were just too strong.
• 22:21
  I just couldn't avoid them.
• 22:22
  And I couldn't depend on anybody emotionally because I cannot complain.
• 22:25
  I cannot eat bad.
• 22:27
  I got to work out.
• 22:28
  I can't do those things.
• 22:30
  So then slowly, as David Goggins says, people just leave.
• 22:34
  They just, you're alone.
• 22:35
  And how did you, did you do any 12 step stuff?
• 22:41
  Did you do any kind of particular, I don't know, training or practices or whatever?
• 22:48
  How did you sort of put it all together?
• 22:53
  Yeah, I did everything.
• 22:54
  I went to the temple, I went to church, I went to AA for four years.
• 22:59
  I was in the Washington Physician Health Monitoring Program, a drug monitoring program for five years.
• 23:05
  I was peeing in a cup weekly, weekly meetings with the WPHP for five years.
• 23:10
  And I've done uh cognitive behavioral therapy.
• 23:14
  I did that dialectical behavioral therapy book one and a half times.
• 23:19
  I did EMDR to eye movement desensitization, reprocessing therapy.
• 23:24
  There was a period of time where I was doing that even two times a week.
• 23:28
  And I did that almost two to three times a week average for about three years.
• 23:32
  Metacognitive behavioral therapy.
• 23:34
  I have a certification in mindfulness-based stress reduction.
• 23:37
  Also, I've paid for over 60 coaches.
• 23:41
  I've had over six therapists.
• 23:43
  I have a seventh one now.
• 23:45
  And I have...
• 23:46
  Yeah, I can't even remember what else I've taken all the game, all the game, anybody who has something to offer.
• 23:53
  And my idols are David Goggins, Dan Martell, Cody Sanchez, so many people, Neville Goddard, just everybody.
• 24:00
  David Bayer, just like the OGs, you know?
• 24:03
  Yeah, I just studied all of Jim Rohn, just studied them.
• 24:08
  But just left and right, up and down.
• 24:10
  And then, and then of course, I've been writing.
• 24:12
  And rapping, guess writing and rapping are similar.
• 24:15
  uh
• 24:16
  Now the rap has changed a lot.
• 24:18
  Okay.
• 24:22
  yeah, I, I, I relate to so much of all of that.
• 24:25
  the MBSR stuff I found really, really helpful.
• 24:28
  Well, I did MBSR, not as not a, I'm not certified to teach it, but I did that.
• 24:34
  And I did, I have a teacher here.
• 24:37
  I did the mindful self-compassion program three times.
• 24:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:42
  did a blended program that the teacher provides and in in in Ontario, at least it's covered by our healthcare.
• 24:49
  I did I did a basically I did MBSR once a year for 10 years.
• 24:56
  Not exactly MBSR every time, but I did a lot of 12 step stuff, lot of therapy, a lot of anything I can get my filthy hands on that will help me not suffer basically.
• 25:06
  And yeah, so you you had that intense motivation, obviously, to do all these things.
• 25:12
  What it's so hard, I think to communicate or articulate.
• 25:16
  Like what that I think you use the word alchemy earlier, the the how how we open up to these things or how we go from that closed off, I'm to do it my way or
• 25:30
  blame everybody for my problems, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, into the openness of all the things that you did.
• 25:35
  Like if you can articulate how that happened.
• 25:39
  Yeah, no, I appreciate you asking me and sharing that with me too, to let other people know that, you know, you just have to maybe get some type of direction and then you figure
• 25:48
  out your own path.
• 25:50
  And now you have your podcast as an example.
• 25:52
  And to clarify, I have, I think it's called the course certified completion.
• 25:57
  That's what I have with MBSR with John Cabot Zenn's program.
• 26:02
  Yeah.
• 26:03
  Yeah.
• 26:04
  In any event, yeah, with, with all of that said, I mean,
• 26:09
  Once again, let's take this as an example.
• 26:12
  It's a Wednesday, I'm off on Wednesdays.
• 26:15
  It's 10 a.m.
• 26:17
  I'm smoking a cigarette outside of my apartment at the time my mom had died and I was living in Capitol Hill in Seattle.
• 26:25
  I'm taking my dog to a friend to pay for them to watch her and I'm thinking to myself, I'm taking this time, I'm doing my hair.
• 26:34
  I'm smoking a cigarette because I'm stressed.
• 26:35
  I don't like to use those words anymore.
• 26:38
  But I'm smoking a cigarette because I'm stressed or it's hard or it's difficult.
• 26:42
  Those self-limiting beliefs were all pervasive.
• 26:44
  And as I walk into the dim lit hallway and I'm stinking of the cigarette smoke and my eyes are darting everywhere, seeing if somebody sees me because I'm a doctor, am I supposed to
• 26:57
  be going to therapy?
• 26:58
  I'm heading into
• 26:59
  I movement desensitization, reprocessing and what's gonna happen now.
• 27:03
  And I'm thinking to myself, as I'm waiting in the waiting room, I'm watching the fumes come off of the tea.
• 27:09
  And I'm just looking at this room that's kind of dark and it has these lights that are bouncing off.
• 27:13
  And I'm just like, you know what?
• 27:15
  We better write every single thing down every single time because I'm spending so much time coming here, dropping my dog off, peeing in a cup, hating myself still.
• 27:23
  I gotta figure this out.
• 27:25
  Every single time after that, I started writing rap songs or writing something after EMDR.
• 27:30
  And then after all my therapy, everything, I just kept on writing.
• 27:35
  And it just never stopped.
• 27:37
  And I think that that's where the real success came.
• 27:40
  It didn't come from listening to somebody.
• 27:42
  And this is where I always like to say, mind hygiene, which is the evidence-based uh process supported by medical evidence that helps you believe in yourself, a writing tool,
• 27:51
  you don't need that.
• 27:52
  You don't need me.
• 27:53
  I'm the prototype from self hate to self love.
• 27:56
  I'm the prototype from the neurochemical prisoner to the neuro spiritual sovereign.
• 28:00
  You can see that it's possible to alchemize your problems.
• 28:04
  The identity alchemy will happen.
• 28:06
  There will be identity lag.
• 28:08
  But once you transfigure that identity into self love, where you're constantly like this all the time, there's nothing to do.
• 28:15
  You're in that neuro spiritual frequency, that sovereign frequency.
• 28:19
  And you can write your way out of it.
• 28:21
  I just don't see any other way through it.
• 28:23
  And if somebody else figures out a way to not complain, not blame, not eat inflammatory food, and and and live their best life, then please inspire me and don't listen to me.
• 28:34
  You don't need me then.
• 28:36
  Yeah.
• 28:36
  And that's the idea behind this.
• 28:38
  The idea behind this is that you don't need anybody.
• 28:40
  You don't need a friend.
• 28:41
  You don't need a partner.
• 28:42
  You definitely don't need a community.
• 28:44
  You don't need anybody cheering you on.
• 28:46
  Matter of fact, I would say you shouldn't.
• 28:48
  to believe in yourself and to be an emotional freedom.
• 28:51
  Yeah.
• 28:51
  How do you, I love that you said, um, taking direction, right?
• 28:57
  One of the things that's so hard for us to do when we're ensnared in the grip of addiction or, other mental health problems, is to, is to take direction and to be guided.
• 29:09
  And then, what you're saying now, this idea of you can do a lot of this on your own.
• 29:15
  Where's that bridge for you or how do you how do you help people?
• 29:19
  Yeah, I guess like walk that.
• 29:20
  Yet, you know, as I walk into a patient room, you know, I'm very grateful for what I do.
• 29:25
  And as I'm walking into a patient room, I'm grateful for the light that's coming in.
• 29:29
  You know, I'm able to see these white walls for what they are and to be able to hear their heart in the stethoscope for what it is without judging, without saying something good or
• 29:40
  bad about them.
• 29:41
  And as they share their stories with me, you just listen to the story.
• 29:45
  But there's only one way I could have ever listened to that.
• 29:48
  without judgment, meaning the story is not good or bad.
• 29:51
  That's the trouble.
• 29:52
  It's positive, but what about when it's negative?
• 29:55
  You know, I gotta be strong.
• 29:56
  No, but I'm weak now.
• 29:57
  Now instead you just accept it, embrace it, release the equity in your mind.
• 30:02
  And when you can do that enough, you can inspire the other people along the way.
• 30:10
  And that's what I would say is that you have to just be alone for as long as you can emotionally.
• 30:16
  And just...
• 30:16
  cut the noise for probably, I would say that a journey from self hate to self love is probably a five year journey, depending on how old you are.
• 30:28
  And I would say at a high level, if you just go into the mountains or something, Tibet, you might be able to get away with it in a year and a half of continuous development.
• 30:37
  And but see, that's the easy part though.
• 30:39
  The easy part is getting there.
• 30:41
  How are you gonna stay there is the question.
• 30:44
  Yeah, and it's not like and I always like to say with with mind hygiene, where you write, you write your way out, you accept things, you're probably going to be feeling I tell this
• 30:53
  to patients to that's where I was getting is you're probably if you're feeling good 30 % 40 % of the day, I would say that's a high level.
• 31:01
  If you're if you're feeling good 70 % of the day, you're at a high level.
• 31:04
  I mean, you're constantly making it into the playoffs.
• 31:07
  You're winning the World Series.
• 31:08
  If you're batting 700.
• 31:10
  Come on.
• 31:11
  If you're batting, yeah, you're batting 30%.
• 31:15
  You know, if you're batting 300, you are an all-star.
• 31:18
  That means you're missing the ball 70 % of the time.
• 31:21
  Yeah, so that's where you know, you just don't want to have that per and every week for for example, for about four hours, I'll purposely schedule in time to feel bad.
• 31:31
  But I just don't know what that looks like anymore.
• 31:34
  Or I'll just say I'm just gonna eat whatever I want.
• 31:36
  But then I just don't.
• 31:37
  It just Yeah.
• 31:38
  yourself, it's like, if this is what I choose to do, I'm allowing myself to do it.
• 31:43
  It's scheduled in, so now I have compassion for that event because I've scheduled it in.
• 31:49
  Okay, can you, can you the question of, because this happens comes up so much in therapy and addiction stuff, I guess life in general.
• 31:58
  Yes, we, well, I would put it, you can't do it alone until you can, so to speak.
• 32:05
  Although do we ever really do it alone?
• 32:08
  And most people can't go live in a monastery or whatever, which would be one of my criticisms generally of that life is that's not available to most people and the world
• 32:19
  won't function if, if we all do that.
• 32:21
  So I guess, can you make sense of some of that?
• 32:25
  Uh, the idea again of
• 32:27
  We need help, we need guidance.
• 32:29
  Yes, we can do it alone, but having community matters too.
• 32:34
  Yeah, and I like this.
• 32:35
  And this is where I say, if something is working for you, don't listen to me.
• 32:40
  You definitely don't need my process or something.
• 32:43
  But I'm here to inspire you that it is possible for you to do it with nobody you can.
• 32:48
  But see, here's the thing is I'm blessed.
• 32:50
  got lucky.
• 32:50
  Everybody left.
• 32:52
  My mom died.
• 32:52
  My dad's gone.
• 32:53
  My brother died.
• 32:54
  My two of my friends died.
• 32:56
  People started leaving as you okay, there's this person that I went on a couple of dates with several years ago.
• 33:02
  And she was climbing these mountains, these smaller mountains.
• 33:06
  That's so bad to say because I don't know if I even want to go on a hike, but I do it anyway.
• 33:11
  And she's climbing these mountains and then she wants to go 14,000 feet.
• 33:14
  And then she's like, forget it.
• 33:16
  I'm going to do Mount Rainier.
• 33:18
  And then she says in five years, I want to go to Mount Everest.
• 33:22
  Well, I'm like, all right, where do I stand in this life?
• 33:27
  Where am I supposed to be in all of this?
• 33:30
  There is no place for me.
• 33:31
  And I don't want to pay the altitude tax of going on the mountain, camping with you, pooping on the mountain, carrying your pee or whatever it is that those OGs do.
• 33:41
  I'm not prepared to pay the altitude tax for that.
• 33:45
  When you don't complain, when you don't blame, but ever, but there's no time off.
• 33:50
  You're doing it when nobody's watching.
• 33:52
  You're not eating inflammatory foods, sugar, white bread.
• 33:55
  you're not eating fatty foods, you're doing all these things that you don't want to do, people are gonna be gone.
• 34:00
  You might as well not do it.
• 34:02
  If somebody wants the community, they want that buddy, it's not possible.
• 34:06
  I just don't think that it's possible to do it with the community.
• 34:10
  And that's where I would say though, maybe this could, and I haven't, I don't know about this.
• 34:15
  I'm not the community guy.
• 34:18
  I'm the solitude expert.
• 34:19
  I know that it's possible to do it alone.
• 34:21
  And I know that everybody's going to leave when you do it.
• 34:24
  You're not going to have and you know what the people that you think that will you see these YouTube videos?
• 34:29
  You know that guy that comes into the room, you know, at seven o'clock he has his hair slick back.
• 34:34
  He has perfect fitted suit on.
• 34:37
  Black shoes are shining and he's not paying attention to anybody.
• 34:40
  The most magnetic guy in the room.
• 34:42
  Don't worry when you are that person.
• 34:44
  Nobody's going to want to be around you.
• 34:46
  Nobody's going to want to pay the altitude tax.
• 34:49
  You might as well eat that cheesecake on Friday, complain about the government on Sunday and just have a community.
• 34:54
  That's where I come in and say that maybe you could take a couple of hours a day and just isolate yourself emotionally on purpose regularly, but you don't want to do it.
• 35:04
  That's the thing.
• 35:05
  If you want to do it, then I don't think it's going to work.
• 35:10
  Meaning you got to force yourself, got to force that.
• 35:13
  Huberman says this.
• 35:14
  the anterior cingulate cortex, which is that area of the brain that doesn't want to do something.
• 35:19
  And then you, I say, integrate it into your basal ganglia, which is the habit center.
• 35:24
  Whatever you're visualizing in the prefrontal cortex, you shift that neurobiology to a point where you're not emotionally dependent on anybody at least 60 to 70 % of the day.
• 35:36
  I think it could work, although I'm not the one to talk about it.
• 35:40
  For example, you have a family, you have two kids.
• 35:43
  you know, don't listen to me.
• 35:44
  But if you're in emotional isolation, you're by yourself, guess what you you can, you could dominate, you could dominate whatever it is that you think that you cannot do, it's
• 35:54
  possible.
• 35:55
  But the tax that you're going to have to pay is several years of being alone with no no partner, no friends, nobody to hang out with constant writing, not doing and doing all the
• 36:07
  things you don't want to.
• 36:08
  But if it if my mom was alive, I would be fulfilling that mission.
• 36:12
  That's what I would do.
• 36:14
  But I've been to Haiti several times.
• 36:16
  I have pictures of Haiti right there, here.
• 36:19
  I'm just completely obsessed with that.
• 36:21
  If that obsession wasn't there, then I might be drinking and drugging or complaining.
• 36:26
  I don't know.
• 36:28
  Yeah.
• 36:29
  So everybody has to have some type of a mission as well too.
• 36:32
  Yeah.
• 36:32
  And my mission also is to inspire people through the story that whatever I did is possible.
• 36:38
  Here's how you can do it.
• 36:39
  And you know what?
• 36:40
  It's not only that it's possible.
• 36:42
  I have witnesses from every arc, trauma, jail, from drugs to now.
• 36:46
  I have witnesses, I have before and after pictures from every arc of my life.
• 36:51
  I have before and after videos from every arc to prove it that you can do it alone, that it is possible.
• 36:59
  But, that's it, yeah, and I like the pushback.
• 37:04
  I think people should push back because they should know that this is, if you're gonna,
• 37:09
  If people are going to perceive this journey as lonely, hard or difficult, that's what it's going to be.
• 37:14
  But if you perceive it as I'm going to be a neuro spiritual sovereign that blesses, I'm going to be an emotional freedom.
• 37:20
  When I get into that relationship, there will be this polarity.
• 37:23
  I will be I'll have consecrated masculinity.
• 37:26
  Somebody will will will understand and be feminine in that or they'll say, okay, let's just inspire from this guy.
• 37:34
  But then you see those people who are trying to be loud.
• 37:36
  I just don't even know.
• 37:38
  what that means anymore.
• 37:39
  I tend not to say much anymore.
• 37:41
  Yeah.
• 37:42
  okay.
• 37:42
  Wait, I want to, and I do appreciate you saying, um, or you basically said, if this sort of journey isn't for you, that's fine.
• 37:50
  I'm not here to tell you right.
• 37:52
  What is right for you, which is, um, I think important to say, I wanted to ask you, about the, maybe, uh, commenting specifically or broadly on the,
• 38:04
  don't know the seduction of blaming and complaining and I really just blaming other people, the world, the government, etc.
• 38:14
  for your problems and how how debilitating that is and how how maybe you
• 38:20
  found your way out of that.
• 38:21
  mean, you kind of described it, if any other points on that.
• 38:26
  Well, let's take a simple try to take a simple example.
• 38:29
  It's six a.m.
• 38:30
  in the morning.
• 38:31
  You wake up, you know, you got some light coming in from somewhere, just some ambient light and you can see the phone and there's this light that's ringing and you can have the
• 38:41
  light that's beaming from the phone and then you can hear the ringing and you take that finger and you just tap it and then you hit the snooze.
• 38:50
  You can hear the tap and you're finally relieved.
• 38:52
  But then there some resentment.
• 38:54
  You resent yourself in that moment without knowing it, if you didn't want to do it.
• 38:58
  Now, if you had planned it out, you're like, I'm going to hit the snooze button.
• 39:01
  That may not be as resentful.
• 39:03
  And then you're just like, okay, you you're waiting till 6 0 5 a.m.
• 39:07
  Maybe sleep in just for another four minutes.
• 39:09
  It's fine.
• 39:10
  I'll skip breakfast today.
• 39:11
  And then and then you're thinking, wait a second, you know, that person, Johnny, or I always like to now use the other examples, Ramesh, you know, well, I use it in India,
• 39:21
  Dave, too.
• 39:22
  Why should I just say Johnny?
• 39:23
  or Ramesh or Savitra, you know, or Amy, you know, a boss, a coworker, a friend, they should have done that.
• 39:30
  Why didn't they do that?
• 39:32
  Now your mind is looping, but they should have done that.
• 39:35
  Hey, you know what?
• 39:35
  That person doesn't like that person.
• 39:37
  Does it?
• 39:38
  You know what?
• 39:39
  Man, taxes are so, I just can't, I need to pay.
• 39:42
  know April 15th is, you're thinking about all of these things and it's not even 6.01 AM.
• 39:48
  And now you're in a full neurobiologic stress cascade.
• 39:50
  The cortisol is high epinephrine, neuroepinephrine is spiked.
• 39:54
  And, and then you need to quiet that with some dopamine.
• 39:58
  You got to quiet that amygdala, that emotional, that limbic hijack, not even limbic static, not limbic friction.
• 40:04
  It's limbic hijack.
• 40:05
  You've been hijacked at six, six, whatever six, between six and six on one AM you're just, you're already hijacked.
• 40:12
  And, and then you're, you're thinking to hear yourself.
• 40:15
  Okay, at six o'clock, I'm gonna get with bro.
• 40:18
  Okay, we're gonna chill.
• 40:19
  We're gonna have a couple of drinks.
• 40:20
  I know we're just gonna be able to blame the government.
• 40:22
  We're gonna be able to talk bad about somebody.
• 40:24
  I know that he's gonna listen to me.
• 40:26
  He's a good listener.
• 40:28
  And you know what, maybe that one girl, maybe that one, I'll just call my ex, no big deal.
• 40:32
  I think that she'll be fine.
• 40:34
  Maybe we can get back together.
• 40:35
  These are the things that are happening to quiet the amygdala down.
• 40:39
  And that's your identity.
• 40:41
  I'm the person that says that this happens.
• 40:44
  I'm stressed out, this is what I'm going to do.
• 40:46
  I'm going to eat bad, I'm going to drink, I'm going to complain, and that is your identity.
• 40:51
  And you know what, you don't even know that.
• 40:52
  And to know that you got to write your way into it, at least maybe five, seven times a day, hand to paper for a minimum of a couple of years to even accept that.
• 41:03
  To even accept that it's happening.
• 41:04
  And then that's just the beginning of the journey.
• 41:07
  That's just the that's just a start.
• 41:09
  If it because if you're tied to external validation loops, hey, what did that
• 41:14
  And at work, am I going to lose my job before a 1k?
• 41:18
  I better just be quiet at work.
• 41:19
  Let me just people please to them.
• 41:21
  Oh, but that one person, that's just too much decisions to cut it all off and right.
• 41:27
  I'll just cut it all off.
• 41:28
  It's so much easier.
• 41:30
  I'll just quit sugar.
• 41:31
  Okay, it's so much easier.
• 41:34
  I just quit I sugar December 24 of 2024 is the one of the best decisions I've ever made.
• 41:40
  I don't have any loops.
• 41:41
  Nobody can nobody can loop
• 41:43
  me into anything.
• 41:45
  Yeah, you can't there's no amount of money you can convince me to do something with no amount of food, no amount of love, nothing.
• 41:51
  It doesn't exist anymore.
• 41:54
  I didn't try to do this though.
• 41:55
  I had to survive in the monastic.
• 41:58
  I had nobody was there.
• 42:00
  They're there.
• 42:01
  And I thought I was stupid.
• 42:02
  You know, so then you have you have all of these advantages.
• 42:06
  I had all these advantages.
• 42:07
  I was in the middle of the ocean.
• 42:09
  Lifejacket is gone.
• 42:10
  You got to figure it out.
• 42:12
  People don't have these because when you talk, you hear about them, the monk, what is it called?
• 42:18
  Monk mode?
• 42:19
  Nah, man, you come in.
• 42:20
  This is, this is monk mode.
• 42:21
  There's nobody here.
• 42:22
  There's no, there's nobody, there's nobody calling me.
• 42:25
  There's nobody saying you did a good job.
• 42:27
  You did the podcast.
• 42:28
  I just released a book.
• 42:29
  My mom's she, she died five years ago.
• 42:32
  She would have been 77 yesterday.
• 42:34
  I released emotional freedom, a book.
• 42:36
  I'm not trying to plug it, but there was nobody that congratulated me.
• 42:39
  Not one person.
• 42:41
  Nobody called me.
• 42:42
  I didn't have anybody to call.
• 42:44
  And that's the tax that you're gonna have to pay if you wanna inspire the world.
• 42:47
  It's just a different, and I'm not the first person who's done this.
• 42:51
  Goggins done this.
• 42:53
  Yeah, so I've inspired from him.
• 42:56
  Yeah.
• 42:57
  So can you you're in Denver, you said, right?
• 42:59
  What did you do this morning?
• 43:01
  What is what is a few days in your life look?
• 43:06
  Yeah, Denver.
• 43:07
  I'm so grateful that Denver is the first place, Mike, that I actually wanted to go to.
• 43:13
  You know, I didn't escape.
• 43:15
  My mom died.
• 43:15
  My brother died.
• 43:16
  Everything.
• 43:17
  You know, I was trying to search for what I wanted to do.
• 43:20
  Be next to the mountains.
• 43:22
  And then today I woke up at five fifteen.
• 43:27
  I wanted to wake up at five thirty, but I just woke up and I just got my pets in bed with me.
• 43:32
  My two cats and dog.
• 43:34
  and we just hugged it out.
• 43:36
  We don't have a washer and dryer here.
• 43:39
  But I think that that's an advantage.
• 43:41
  So I go downstairs, take my dog down.
• 43:43
  I'm doing the free radicals meditation and ACEs meditation, which is FU fund, which is a freedom unlimited fund to inspire the world, feed the poor, purify their water, focus,
• 43:55
  reading.
• 43:56
  You know, these are the meditations that I'm doing as I'm walking and trying to do these other breathing meditations.
• 44:02
  as I'm going downstairs at 530 to wash my clothes.
• 44:06
  And then I take my dog to the park.
• 44:08
  We run for about 30 minutes when the clothes are getting set.
• 44:11
  So I did that, came upstairs, listened to some rap songs that I'm about to record and made sure that those were memorized.
• 44:19
  And I tell you what, today, man, I just did not want to go but 1 million percent to the gym.
• 44:25
  I figured out every way to convince myself not to go.
• 44:28
  And I just did it anyway.
• 44:30
  And I went there and I'm like, dang, I'm so glad that I even showed up, played basketball.
• 44:36
  And then I came back, took a shower and then now I'm here.
• 44:39
  It's my day off.
• 44:40
  then.
• 44:41
  Yeah.
• 44:42
  So it's just, I'm constantly, and I didn't want to get up.
• 44:45
  I didn't want to get up.
• 44:46
  I didn't want to go downstairs.
• 44:47
  but you know, I'm too, I'm into deep now.
• 44:51
  I cannot go back.
• 44:52
  There's no going back anymore.
• 44:54
  I cannot convince myself to go back to some type of a loop.
• 44:57
  Right, right.
• 44:58
  And do you?
• 45:00
  Yeah, yeah.
• 45:02
  Yeah.
• 45:03
  now.
• 45:03
  Do you ever or do you intend or is a day by day like getting into a relationship again?
• 45:11
  Do think about that?
• 45:13
  Yeah, of course.
• 45:14
  Yeah.
• 45:14
  mean, you know, there's the longing that's there.
• 45:16
  I mean, for example, with Dell, I've met Dell Curry, Dell Curry with Stephen Curry.
• 45:22
  I mean, he passed it on to the generation, the rock, his dad passed it on.
• 45:26
  I believe that I want to pass it on now.
• 45:28
  I'm at a point where I think I I'm capable of doing that.
• 45:32
  And actively searching is a strong word, but open.
• 45:36
  I'm definitely open.
• 45:37
  I talk to people in in public.
• 45:40
  You know, if I if I see somebody that I
• 45:42
  I like I would talk to them.
• 45:43
  I'm I definitely am ready to explore that.
• 45:47
  I don't want to be alone.
• 45:48
  I never wanted to be okay.
• 45:50
  It's just what happened.
• 45:52
  And I thought that this was the design for this period of time.
• 45:55
  But I would hope to, you know, be in a place where I'm around people that I can that can help me inspire others, but people tend to.
• 46:04
  And I'm not saying that they leave me because I'm better than them.
• 46:08
  And maybe I still needed to develop.
• 46:10
  Maybe I still needed to do some type of work.
• 46:13
  Maybe, I don't know.
• 46:14
  Maybe this was what was meant because why is it that I'm not dead?
• 46:19
  Why is it that I'm not bankrupt?
• 46:20
  Why is it that I still have a career or multiple careers?
• 46:23
  Why is it that I get to choose but my mom, dad, my brother did not?
• 46:27
  If God wanted me to have a partner and kids, I would have had that already.
• 46:32
  So I've actively surrendered to God's purpose, to God's sign.
• 46:35
  to the law of attraction, law of resonance, yeah, there's a full surrender.
• 46:39
  And um that's where I'm at right now.
• 46:43
  easy is a strong word, but uh difficult is a hard word.
• 46:48
  It's just what it is until it's not.
• 46:50
  yeah.
• 46:52
  No, that's that's well said.
• 46:53
  Thank you.
• 46:54
  Selfishly, as we kind of as the clock winds away, I, as I said already, and I guess people listening are somewhat aware of, I don't often talk too much about what I do personally,
• 47:07
  but I've
• 47:09
  you know, dedicated the last 14 plus years of my life to many of the things that you're sharing.
• 47:14
  Although I think that I do have a, it's like at a resistance or an avoidance to really, I don't know what the word is.
• 47:23
  Okay.
• 47:23
  Something like allowing myself to really,
• 47:28
  You just used a word a few minutes ago, like the full surrender to like, here's these other things I know would be helpful for me, yet I just do not want to do them.
• 47:39
  Primarily, it's a bit it's the sugar thing.
• 47:41
  And probably a little more exercise and a little more writing.
• 47:46
  So if you if you could treat me in 510 minutes, you know, what would you encourage me?
• 47:54
  to do or how would you when people say things like that to you, how do you kind of initially respond to?
• 48:00
  Well, I think of it with Michael Jordan.
• 48:03
  Let's take an example with him.
• 48:05
  You know, you want to be the he never wanted to be the greatest player.
• 48:09
  He just wanted to beat himself.
• 48:11
  And in 84, he gets drafted, but in 91, he wins the title.
• 48:15
  People don't want to pay that tax.
• 48:17
  But I'm like thinking to himself, Jordan, you know, just shaking their hands at the Eastern Conference finals three years in a row with the Pistons.
• 48:26
  I think he lost three years.
• 48:28
  I'm just thinking about what this guy was thinking.
• 48:30
  What is he thinking as he's walking out of there, the scoring champion, multiple years, defensive player of the year, you know, considered one of the best two way players or if
• 48:41
  the best two way player in the league, all NBA first offense, all NBA defense, but he didn't win a title.
• 48:48
  He didn't make it past the Detroit Pistons again.
• 48:51
  What did he do?
• 48:52
  He just went and practiced and he did it and he didn't want to do it.
• 48:55
  He just did it anyway.
• 48:56
  So you go from that fixed to the
• 49:00
  fixed mindset, but you know what later, the growth mindset, okay, fine, let's just get it done to the acceptance mindset.
• 49:07
  All right, fine.
• 49:08
  Let's just accept that this is what it's going to take to the surrender mindset.
• 49:11
  I need to be the best version of myself.
• 49:13
  I got to win a title.
• 49:14
  We're just going to surrender and you're never going to want to do it.
• 49:18
  So that now it becomes exciting.
• 49:22
  No, I don't.
• 49:22
  I, but I was convincing myself to not go to the gym and David Goggins says, and I don't curse in my personal life, but
• 49:30
  I would like to maybe use it for, just, man, you know, I'm looking at them shoes and I'm staring at them MS.
• 49:36
  I'm just staring at them for 30 minutes.
• 49:38
  I don't want to go.
• 49:39
  I'm just going to stare at them until I put it on and go running.
• 49:42
  I felt like if Gaggins can do it, I can do it too, you know?
• 49:46
  Yeah.
• 49:46
  And, and then that's where the surrender mindset comes in.
• 49:50
  And that's where you stabilize the neurobiology.
• 49:52
  So the neurobiology stabilized that the cortisol is reduced.
• 49:56
  The oxytocin bond with yourself is increased.
• 49:58
  The dopamine is delayed on a constant basis.
• 50:00
  You're delaying everything that you want.
• 50:02
  I call it dopamine delay or dopamine devotion.
• 50:05
  And then cortisol consecration, the stress hormone, you just surrender.
• 50:09
  No big deal now.
• 50:11
  There's nothing to do.
• 50:11
  You surrendered.
• 50:12
  Nobody's going to be there.
• 50:14
  Nobody's going to help you.
• 50:15
  When you do something, nobody's going to congratulate you.
• 50:17
  right.
• 50:18
  Cortisol is there.
• 50:19
  It's not there anymore.
• 50:20
  The inflammation, the gluconeogenesis, the insulin production, that's all gone.
• 50:26
  You haven't done nothing.
• 50:27
  You haven't even done anything yet.
• 50:29
  But you know you're gonna do it.
• 50:31
  And especially you don't want to.
• 50:32
  And then that serotonin stabilizes as well, which is the fluoxetine Prozac, that's that drug.
• 50:39
  The serotonin stabilizes.
• 50:40
  Because now you're at a stable place where you're in the consecration mindset.
• 50:46
  You're just completely surrendering.
• 50:47
  The higher power will come on their own time, not your business.
• 50:51
  You you put the work in and the blessings are bestowed.
• 50:55
  Jordan said that too on Oprah, this something these things just stick.
• 50:58
  you know, Oprah is like, you know, everybody wants to be like you, Mike, don't they?
• 51:01
  And he's like, Yeah, well, you know, that's that that's the problem.
• 51:05
  He's like, when you put when you put the work in, he says it just like that.
• 51:08
  The blessings will be bestowed.
• 51:10
  And she's like, How about that?
• 51:12
  But then I just thought I'm like, it's not my business.
• 51:14
  The outcomes are not my business.
• 51:16
  I just put the work in.
• 51:18
  I mean, I'm just looking one day after I quit sugar, maybe four months into it.
• 51:23
  I'm like, is that a four pack?
• 51:25
  I'm like, what the hey, who's ever said I never thought I could get no six pack or four pack.
• 51:30
  I don't have a six pack.
• 51:31
  have a four pack.
• 51:32
  I was like, are you sure about that?
• 51:35
  I never tried to get it because I didn't think it was possible.
• 51:38
  You know, I was I'm the Indian guy and I you know, I'm like this, you know, I have that was my identity.
• 51:44
  Correct.
• 51:44
  Yeah, and that's the that's the trouble is the identity.
• 51:47
  But I'm stressed and I deserve this.
• 51:49
  I don't know who's telling me that.
• 51:51
  No, the devil.
• 51:52
  Don't tell me that.
• 51:53
  You know what?
• 51:54
  And here's what happens is when you do all the things you don't want to, you cut the inflammation, you write.
• 51:59
  See, the thing about it is that God will be there.
• 52:01
  If you believe in God or higher power or whatever it is that you believe in, you know, the universe, they'll be there.
• 52:07
  And when you put the results in enough, you'll not only God won't only be there, angels will be there.
• 52:13
  At 11 o'clock, I know that a drug rep could potentially come in with donuts.
• 52:17
  I'm prepared.
• 52:18
  I'm going to write it down at 1055.
• 52:21
  I'm writing down that I'm going to accept that I want it and I'm not going to control it.
• 52:25
  I'm not going to fix it.
• 52:27
  And I'm not, and I'm not going to feed into that.
• 52:29
  And, uh, and then the angels are there to protect you.
• 52:35
  Yeah.
• 52:35
  That's the devil.
• 52:36
  Just a little bit.
• 52:37
  You could complain just a little bit more.
• 52:39
  You, oh, it's just, it's just a doughnut.
• 52:41
  Come on.
• 52:42
  It's Friday.
• 52:43
  It's the holidays.
• 52:46
  Yeah.
• 52:46
  Yeah, no, I love that.
• 52:47
  See none of that stuff exists.
• 52:49
  There is no time off.
• 52:50
  There's not even one second off.
• 52:52
  Never.
• 52:52
  Yeah.
• 52:56
  But that doesn't mean I see I'm feeling good.
• 52:59
  I would say arguably now I used to say 70%.
• 53:02
  I would say 80 to 85.
• 53:03
  Yeah, so I'm I think that's a very high level to feel good about yourself and not say anything bad about yourself and to be within your core values.
• 53:14
  Well, I think that's part of the problem for me is I well, I know it's a problem, but because of all the other work I've done, yeah, it doesn't.
• 53:23
  I do feel good about myself.
• 53:25
  doesn't really bother me that much, but it's like this.
• 53:28
  It's the voice in my head that wants me to suffer telling me I'm not enough and like part of it's true because I could be doing more, but also part of it's just like the lingering.
• 53:39
  Noise that.
• 53:41
  that all human minds have to some extent.
• 53:43
  And so, you know, is that an excuse?
• 53:46
  I don't know, you know, like, I don't know.
• 53:48
  But talking about it with people like yourself helps me clarify it in my own
• 53:53
  Yeah, and that's where I always like to say there's a couple of things that are impossible is that it's impossible to say something bad about yourself when you're doing something
• 54:01
  that you don't want to for one second.
• 54:04
  And that's what I call self compassion.
• 54:06
  And then also the resentment towards yourself.
• 54:09
  If you're writing things down, you should not resent yourself because you're doing what you can at this moment.
• 54:14
  And that's identity alchemy to be that in that neuro spiritual sovereignty or that emotional freedom where you're not trying to regulate your emotions.
• 54:22
  You're just trying to be free in them.
• 54:24
  And all of that stabilizes if you do often enough for about a year and a half.
• 54:29
  Whenever I've wanted to do anything, it's usually taken about a year and a half.
• 54:33
  But now I'm able to expedite these processes of identity transfiguration, probably in six weeks, sometimes maybe three months.
• 54:42
  So if I hated myself at this moment, I could probably write my way out of it in six to eight weeks is what I would be confident in.
• 54:49
  Yeah.
• 54:50
  Yeah, yeah, I like that.
• 54:52
  But you don't want it to happen quickly.
• 54:53
  If it does, you shouldn't believe it.
• 54:55
  You should not listen to me.
• 54:57
  Yeah, you should.
• 54:58
  are the thoughts I was having something along those lines of like that's an authentic, sincere message.
• 55:03
  And I appreciate.
• 55:05
  I we should, I know it's your day off.
• 55:07
  I gotta get back to work in 10 minutes or so.
• 55:09
  Anyhow, Druva, thank you so much.
• 55:12
  Any lasting words or anything you would just wanna share before we say goodbye.
• 55:18
  Yeah, you know, mean, just living within your core values, you know, to be in that neuro spiritual sovereignty where you're just surrendering and writing things down, you just see
• 55:31
  the value in it.
• 55:32
  And if you don't see the value in it after six weeks, you just move on to the next thing.
• 55:37
  I mean, that's what I did.
• 55:38
  just CBT, DBT, EMDR, and that's what I am here.
• 55:42
  I'm just one more inspirational tool for other people.
• 55:47
  But arguably, you know, you don't need my process.
• 55:51
  I can just be the prototype, the self hate to self love prototype of what's possible.
• 55:56
  And you know, people should just do what they feel is good for them.
• 55:59
  Awesome, thank you.
• 56:00
  Well, all your info and your website and et cetera will be in the show notes for people to check you out.
• 56:05
  again, thank you so much for your time and wisdom and insights.
• 56:10
  I sincerely appreciate it.
• 56:11
  Thank you.
• 56:12
  Yeah, thanks for having me, Mike.
• 56:13
  I appreciate what you do.
• 56:15
  Take it easy.
• 56:16
  You too.
• 56:18
  Let's make sure.
• 56:19
  Thanks for listening to this episode of the State of Mind Podcast.
• 56:22
  Before you go, pick one idea from today's episode and practice it this week.
• 56:28
  Remember, live with courage, clarity, and compassion.
• 56:32
  Practice inner strength and develop within.
• 56:36
  If you enjoyed this, please follow us, subscribe to the podcast, and leave a quick five-star rating and wonderfully positive review.
• 56:48
  Share this episode if you think it might be helpful for someone else.
• 56:51
  We wish you all the very best.
• 56:53
  Take it easy.
• 56:54
  Peace out.