Latest / We Talk Back / EP. 54 "What About Your Friends" with Danielle Bayard Jackson

Transcript

EP. 54 "What About Your Friends" with Danielle Bayard Jackson · We Talk Back

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Talk Talk. We're just two unapologetically black women with an
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: opinion to talk about. What's up? Y'all. Welcome to a
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: new episode that we talk back. It's your girl a J. Hey, hey,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: y'all listen till man. I love y'all. I missed y'all. Man,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I'm glad y'all came back to see us. What's up? Dang,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: not a damn thing? How was nothing? Nothing? Every week? Listen.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: What I'm gonna start doing is when I'm gonna start doing.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna start off with my fucking weekend. Like you
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: don't even have to ask me when I really got
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: some ship going. I'm like, girl, I need to start
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: making up some ship. I'm gonna end you with your
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: week what you did and tell me you gotta Hi
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: speed Chase with the Polish. So I'm gonna start doing that.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna started doing I would started fabricating my weekends, y'all.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be yeah, you already doing that, but that's
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: what I make it interested. How was your weekend? Friend,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I had a good weekend. One of my homeboys he
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: has like, of course, ide tickets to the game, and
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: he was like, hey, I'm not going. You want the tickets.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So I took my bestie and we went to the game,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: and I was like, had my feet on the hardwood.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: But guess what the scary part was? All right, So
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: first of all, I got a real drunk at the game.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I had such a good time. It's a good time
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: and Hornets is kicking ass. We won, so it was cool.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: But somebody sent me a d M from a fake
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: page with a video of me at the game. That
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: should kind of scared me. I don't like that ship
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: you posted in your close friends, and it looked like
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: the person was leveled, so they had to been directly
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: across from you on the other side of the fucking court.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: That's weird. Yeah, we already know it's a guy. I
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: bet you well if he had seas like mine sight,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: So right, so you can take me to the next game. Great,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: But that's all I did, is we can. It was
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: snowy and Charlotte and then I flew to Atlanta. I'm
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: in Atlanta right now, so I'm recording from the a
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I had. I came down to take a um A
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: class so I can work on movie sets because I'm
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: trying to get my You know, I'm trying to find
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: my lane on the set. Whatever you gotta do. I'm
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: trying to be an actress. You know that you gotta do, y'all. Yeah.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: So one of my best friends has a salon to
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: set course that she's been doing for these plutician holes,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: and Tammy attended her class this weekend. I like, on
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: my friends could be it was so good, y'all gotta
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: take her class. Uh you know, I'll tell y'all when
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: another one is gonna happen. So y'all can't take the
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: class because yeah, it was really good. It was fun.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I learned a lot, and I'm gonna be on set
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: a lot of should be happening in Charlotte, Like a
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: lot of movies and stuff they'd be doing in Charlotte,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: filming in in Atlanta right down the street, can pull
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: up Charleston even have a lot of films. Flights flight
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: thirty four minutes. Talk to be having the play films though, girl,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: that bullshit. Yeah maybe having the slaves. Don't be talking
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: about my people like that, not like that. I just joke, yo.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Speaking of friendships, Yeah, we got a friendship coach coming
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: on the show today. But before we get into that.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about something stupid ass and then that ship.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Oh man, So I saw a video this weekend and
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: they say it's a little baby sucking the big old
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: boy her booty. Her booty looked funny though on it
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: it was a square on the side like it was
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: round square pets. But now I see why. I little
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: Jadeny try to work with her mother like a family job.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I see why. Yeah, they need to call him baby baby.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: That thing was nice. I sent that picture that I
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: mean when I tell you, I sent that video to
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: every woman I know and my damn cell phone. It
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: came in, Oh you sent me there, and I sent
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: it back. A year later, it came in on our
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: group chat. I was like, who is that? And then
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: I had to listen. Now somebody said little baby. But
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: I didn't read the text initially, I just watched the video.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: But I heard his voice. That was definitely little baby.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: M hmm, that's my baby. I know that's the baby thing.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: That nah, that's the baby. Look now I need to
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: see his dick. He was real. No, you know who did?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I need to see NBA? Young boy? That's who is he?
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: A t right? Yes? I think or something like that
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: at this point, because I'm seeing where a little blue
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: got his name tattoo in her mouth. It's a ken
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: trail in her mouth. Then the other one got his
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: name tattooed on her, and one ain't got her arm.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Don't even work no more behind that nigga, Like, I
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: want to see his dick get better. Being all these kids,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: all these kids this nigga has, like I don't know
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: how many kids, six seven, eight kids. Here's a lot
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: of boys too. I just feel like all these little
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: girls need to make sure they had these kids in
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: therapy as early as possible because that dude is not well.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Y'all around here just accepting that DNA. Wait, wait, y'all,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: mom at that would be a nigga in Charleston where
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: you know Grandma be like, don't you you better not
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: get pregnant by him? His people crazy l mm hmmm, right,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: don't what do NBA stand for? I don't know something,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: get oship. I'm sure nut busting man because he'd be
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: making all the kids yeah yeah, oh no no. Also, um,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Regina King, that was sad her son, he passed away.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I love her and I wish I could hug her,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: right now like that's so sad he committed suicide. Suicide
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: is just isn't it so much pandemic that they didn't
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: talk about the real epidemic. It's a lot of people
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: who have committed suicide since um the pandemic started. The
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: pandemics started between pandemic, but suicide and uh fitting All
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: because I saw reports that fitting All is killing more
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: young people than anything else in the world right now.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: These young people are just dying at because you know why,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: they're getting fitting All off the damn dark web, probably
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: coming from China, some ship, probably attentional. We're killing motherfucker's
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: over here, Like y'all better be careful. I just don't.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I just don't get it. And it's it's like we
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: are not living as long as we think we are,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Like you know, the older people on my dad's side
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: of the family, Like it's more older people than young
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: at this point. Like people just keep dying, bitch. I'mna
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: keep going to jem make sure my heart is healthy
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: and ship like that. I got to lose a pound,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: but I know my ship good. That's one thing you
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: always go Shrooms is like a hard drug. It's just
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: not it is man that ship could open up your
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: third eye and then never close it, and then you'd
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: be out here. You be out here the Angelo, The
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Angelo do shrooms, you look like now, he'd probably be
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: doing what's that should call? Um? You know they go
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: out in the desert and do it? What's it called?
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It's not shrows, beccause we're out in the woods one
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: with the earth doing. Did you see boosting this weekend?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: He was sucking the road up right, He was literally
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: fucking the road, go kill everybody in the car, stupid
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: and stick and humping driving. He might have been He
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: might have been on Molly, because that's molly all day long.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: The fuck Boosty is fun, man Boosty remind me. Yeah,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do any like we I'm just gonna
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: stick to the look in the weed, like Drake. Even
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: alcohols don't make me feel good, you know what I'm saying,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Like I only can drink Don Julio, and really that's it,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: and i'd like um. Another thing that doesn't make me
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: feel bad is do say but everything else my body
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: doesn't process the same anymore. Yeah, yeah, the next day
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: is no matter. How I could have like to two cups,
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: like to drinks and I'm feeling bad the next day,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: So I don't like that. What about wine and champagne?
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: You can drink wine make me feel like I want
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: to slip my wrist. It's like too much of a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: downer for me, like I like. It alters my personality,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: and my personality is outgoing, like I'm up crump like
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I don't want to feel like I'm gonna be quiet.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: That's why I only smoke weed when I'm about to
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: have sex, because I want to get this dick and
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: go to sleep. I cannot be smoking weed like out
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: in the world. I'd be no good to anybody. No,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I can't. You want to add a little coke with
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: spreaking little I don't want to do that no more,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: just sing I said. I used to want to do that,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: just to see what it felt like one time. Alright,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: y'all judge me. If y'all want so, your mama's did
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: it their whole life. Shut up the smoke crack. Yeah, listen,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: it's got a commercial, and let's talk about my friendship.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Out of here. We'll be back, y'all. All right, y'all,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: So look, today's guest is a mom, a wife, and
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: amongst other things, she's a professional bestie. Y'all, we have
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Danielle Bayer Jackson. Um. She's an friendship expert. She also
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: is the author of New York Times bestseller Fighting Fall Friendships.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And we want to talk about that big as book
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: deal you got too, girl. Yeah it has. It hasn't
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: come out yet, and it's not so it's not yet
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: a New York Terms bestseller. But I mean so, I'm
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: glad that you just said that. Yes, I claim it,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I claim it. Yes it is it already is girl? Listen, listen.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to have you on here today because
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I just be losing these bitches listen right, I'm I
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: don't know, is it me? Do I not know how
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: to be a good friend? Or are these I'm picking
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: bad bitches to be my friend? You know, I don't know. Yeah,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: this bitch right here fall out at least twice. It's
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: different though, Like we're gonna have issues since we got
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: a friendship and business together, so it's gonna be different.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: But you gotta be able to communicate, right yeah. So, um,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: y'all listen. Danielle is committed to helping women make and
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: keep friends. Um. So she's a professional, uh certified woman's coach, right,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: friendship coach? That's right. Yeah, people always give me side eye,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: like is that a thing? It's totally a thing. Yeah,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: it needs to be a thing, because you know what,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I feel like women like I would let them nigga
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: hurt my feelings a hundred times and take them back.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: But a bitch hurt my feelings and I'd be like, bitch,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: you dead to me forever. You're not the only one
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: that's a common one, right, is that we'll give you know,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: our our boyfriend's husband so many chances, but then when
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: it comes to a friend, like, oh no, she crossed
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: my boundaries. Once you're done. I think we have our
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: friends on a different you know, we we have we
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: hold them in higher regard than we hold men. Right,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: So it's like friends aren't supposed to suck up. That's
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: how we feel about our home girls, right, but guys
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: like we expect them to keep messing up. When your
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: friend does, it is like what the fuck? But that's
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: so fake because we're all just human, right, you know,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: nobody's gonna be perfect. That's so true. I wish we
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: brought more of that perspective when it happens, because when
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: it happens, we're so deeply offended. I wonder if the
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: reason for that, you know, discrepancy between how we are
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: with men and then how we are with you know,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: our female friends, is because a lot of the conversation
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: leading up to those relationships. So even when you are
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: reading a book or listening to a podcast about relationships,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: we're talking about forgiveness and communication and how to work
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: through you know, what you think is a betrayal. So
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: it's almost understood that he's going to mess up and
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: we're gonna have to talk about it, Like I I
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: anticipate that. But the language around friendship is so you know,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: even from when we're young, it's best friends forever and
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: you just get me and friendship should be easy. So
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: that's a lot of the conversation. So once we do
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: hit some kind of conflict, we are not ready to
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: have a conflict with our friend, and we see it
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: as evidence of, oh, we shouldn't be friends, because if
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: we were friends, we wouldn't even be having a difficult
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: time right now. And so a lot of it is
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: the is the language about those relationships before we even
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: get into them. Yeah, and you're you're right. That's because
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: it's further from the truth. I know, Like with me,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: all right, So I can be blunt, and sometimes my
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: tone can be uh misunderstood, misunderstood, off bit off putting, girl,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: fuck you, And I feel like I lose friendships because
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I'll be honest and maybe my honesty comes off. As
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: you already know, black women got a problem with accountability,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: So let's go ahead and put that out there. Anyway.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: So sometimes when we get called out, we just don't
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: like it, you know what I'm saying. We just don't
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: like it, and it's hard for us to uh say
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: you're right. And so all right, I'm gonna give an example.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I just one of my friends that I've been like
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: really close with for a while. I said, um, I
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: feel like you've in uh sometime, he asked friend lately
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: and she just did not take that well. And she
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: was like, well, I'll just keep my distance. And that's
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: not what I wanted. I wanted her to be like, hey,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do better at being at present for him,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: but instead she offered more distance and that made me
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: more mad. So I was on something well, bitch, fuck
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: you then, like and so it just went completely left
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: instead of the direction I was trying to go with it.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: That so that's so interesting because the goal of conflict
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: should be reconciliation. Like I'm bringing this up because i
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: want harmony with you, because I'm trying to figure this out.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: That's the objective of me bringing it up. But so much,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: you know, so many times we do take offense and
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: we're like a lot of us are not comfortable, like
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: you said, with being called out, and so when we
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: are called out, even if ironically it's coming from a
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: friend we love, we're so uncomfortable that to keep our distance,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: we're like, Okay, well I don't want to experience that again.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Or or I guess she doesn't care about me the
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: way I thought, or I guess she's coming at me.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: So I'm gonna either or emotionally withdraw, or I'm going
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: to be passive aggressive because I'm not comfortable with being
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: called out. And so I think what could help that
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: is as much as possible on the front end, if
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I am bringing up something she did that I think
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: was kind of crazy, is to articulate that the goal
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: of me bringing it up is because I'm trying to
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: understand and so that could have been changed. I mean,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: like one small little change you could have made, and
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: you could have made this, you know, make this your own.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: It could have been something to the effect of, like, Okay,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: so help me understand what's going on, because I don't
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: hear from me as much as I used to. I'm
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: communicating to you that I'm trying to understand you. The
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: point of me bringing this up because I don't get it.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not bringing it up because I'm coming at you,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: and so, you know, Unfortunately, I wish you would have said, like,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: oh wait, why do you think I'm being sometimeing? Okay,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: that's my bad, which does require a level of humility, right,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: But she probably also was unsure about your objective and
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: bringing it up, which was I don't want you to
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: be sometime anymore. I want you to correct it. I
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: don't want you to leave, you know. And so there's
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff that that happens there when we
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: get called out how we perceive it and uh, and yeah,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: it cost us a lot of friendships. Sure, Oh god,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: it's exhausting learning how to tell the people. We gotta
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: be a therapist, like I don't. I went and notice
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: say though, say it in that way for someone to understand,
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: but we understand. You have to communicate with people in
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: a way that they receive it. It's hard to hell, right, yeah,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: especially for me because I just think, uh, in the
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: environment that I grew up in, everybody's like really blunt
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: and real forward, and nobody takes offense to like that directness,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you know, like it's just how we I grew up
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: being talked to and speaking to others. It's just very direct.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: This is what it is. And I'm not gonna cry.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: We're not gonna cry about it. We're just gonna argue
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: about it, perhaps talk about it, and then fix it.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: That was just the dynamic that I grew up in.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: So now when I get in my adult relationships and
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: I approached it that way, I lose these bitches is
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: falling left and right soon as I say something about
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: how let me ask you this. The friend you gave
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: the example of wasout a newer friend or some of
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: you've been friends with for a while, oh probably about
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: three years, Okay, so newer. It's not a lifetime friendship,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: but we got close fast, you know. So when I
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: tell her, like you've been absent. That's what basically I
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: was like, you've been absent, and it was during the
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: time where I needed her friendship in that time, and
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I was trying to express that, but instead I was
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: met with like, girl, fuck you even more. That's how
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I felt like. Her response was, yeah, No. The reason
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: I asked about okay, was it new or do you
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: guys have a lot of history together is because a
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: lot of times, when we've been friends with somebody for
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: a while, they've seen enough of our character to be
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: able to absorb how we deliver things. Now. That doesn't
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: mean we can take advantage and talk to them any
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: kind of way. But if I do say something like
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: you know, where have you been? I haven't heard from
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: you in like a year or whatever, they know that
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying them or coming at them because they
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: can measure that. They can weigh that against all they
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: know of me. Sometimes for newer friends, they don't have
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: that context. So if I say something a certain way
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: and they don't like it or whatever, they were trying
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: to fill in the gap because they're like, they don't
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: have enough context. They don't know me like that yet,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: so they don't realize that, yeah, I may have said
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: it kind of harsh, but it's really because the way
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: I am, that's how I'm trying to tell you that
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: I missed you, like I wish I could have saw
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: you more over the past year. And that's my way
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: of communicating it. And so a lot of times too,
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: when we bring up conflict for the very first time,
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: and you know, that's tricky, like if you're if you're
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: cool with a girl, it's easy. You feel like, man,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: we are so in sync, and the first time she
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: does something that rubs you the wrong way, sometimes you're like, Okay,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: how do I bring this up here? Because we've never
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: done this before. It's always fun with us. How do
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: I suddenly tell her that wasn't cool? Because I don't
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: know her style yet. I don't know if she's gonna
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: be sensitive. I don't know if she's going to throw
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: this back at me, And so it's always it feels
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: like a risk the first time you bring it up
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: with a new friend, something that's not exactly so pleasant,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: and some for a lot of us, have to make
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: her break moment. You know, see, I I never even
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: consider that, Like I don't even consider like, how do
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I approach this and maybe that's something I should do
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: more of, Like I just approach it the way I
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: know how, which is very directed for it, like you
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: don't ever have to worry about how I'm feeling or
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: what you see. That's the thing. Also now that depends
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: on how you're communicating with them, like the technology. If
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: you're just talking to them verbally, they can understand your
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: demeanor how you feel when you're set talking, but via text,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: you leave it up to your reata to determine how
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: you feel your demeanor behind the text message. So I
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: recently had a thing. This is one of my best friends,
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: like her birthdays like two days before mine, and we've
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: been friends. I want friends over problems, maybe like fifteen
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: years maybe and we I haven't spoken her in two weeks,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: and bitch, if you're listening, I feel some type of ways.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: But whatever. And my last message to her was, Hey,
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: when you get a moment, i'd like to um go
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: over this text thread. You know. She didn't even respond
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: to that, and I still haven't spoken to her because
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: I felt attacked via text and I I like to
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: make sure I'm not tripping, like I'll call it hamm
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: me all the time, like let me tell you what happened.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Am I tripping before I dressed the situation with somebody else? Right?
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I wanna get with somebody else that knows me, knows
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: my character to make sure I'm not the one that's tripping.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: We do it, we both do it. But yeah, I
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: haven't talked to that. I haven't spoken to that bitch,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: and I feel some type of way about it. And
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always the one to reach out
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: to my friends because I value my friendship. So whatever
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: spat we got going on, like, I want to make
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: sure we talked about it. We don't even have to
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: say who's right or wrong. It's just like change behavior
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: on both ends. You know what I'm saying. So why
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: haven't you reached out again? Why should I? If she
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: ignored my last text message? And the last time, maybe
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: ten years ago, we had an issue, I reached out
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: and I wasn't at fault. We confirmed I wasn't at fault.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: She just was feeling some type of way. Why do
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I have to always be the friend to value the
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: friendship more than the other person to make sure we're good.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like doing that this time. And I'm older,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: like I'm not. I don't. I don't smash women, so
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I don't really care how women feel anymore, like I'm
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: not women have That's what we talk about. Yes, I
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: know what we're talking about. And women be having Some
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: women have like really nasty attitudes, and men will deal
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: with that. Men will deal with our attitude because they
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: want sex from us. I don't want sex from you,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: so I'm not dealing with your attitude. Okay, I have
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: never heard that before. That's very that is very interesting.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: But you know what I But you're saying a lot
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: of things that I that I here pretty often. The
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: first thing, a couple of things. One is what you're
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: experiencing is something called digital body language. So of course,
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: if we see somebody in person, just like you said,
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: then if there are arms are crossed, or they roll
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: their eyes when we're talking to them, that's body language
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: and we can tell like, Okay, she's upset, she's irritated.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: But now, so much of our lives, our friendships, relationships
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: are online or they're on text or email, and so
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: what we don't realize is that is body language too.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: So if somebody doesn't text you for a week, you're
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: gonna wonder, Okay, so much time has passed, you're telling
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: me something here, or if somebody goes from texting you
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: to emailing you, you're like, oh, shoot, she must be
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: serious because she said to me an email. All that
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: stuff is body language, if she uses emojis or not,
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: that's body language, digital body language, And so it's leaving
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: you in a place like you're doing right now, where
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: you're trying to make meaning of all these things because
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: she's not being clear and it's happening via text, and
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: so you don't know what's going on. So that's one
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: thing that hurts a lot of friendships, is our digital
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: body language is communicating something that maybe we intentionally weren't doing.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: The second thing I think it's interesting is how you said, oh, well,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: you know, if she's you know, gonna wait so long
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: or not get back to me or whatever. Sometimes we
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: assign meaning to what people do because we don't they
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: don't give us any answers, so we've got to fill
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: in the gap. And yeah, and so the fact that
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: she hasn't responded in a week or whatever it is,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: you know, is leaving you to fill in the gaps,
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: and so you can't help. But to assign meaning to it.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Now you've assigned negative meaning to it, as if she's
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: avoiding you. But I mean, all you have to do
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: is assume because she's not communicating, and so you know,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: you're saying, well, why should I have to reach out again?
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Is true, And a lot of people feel like, Okay,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: I tried. I'm not gonna, you know, kiss your butt
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: now like I tried one time. What do you want
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: me to deal? But it's hard because a lot of
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: reasons women get upset is I'm doing more than her,
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: I feel more invested. Why should I have to initiate
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: all the time? And it's true, So you know, unfortunately,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: I wish your friend, you know, would get back to
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: you or at least communicate what's going on, But we
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: do have to make room for now. It is possible
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: it could be a myriad of a bunch of other things.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Hopefully there's nothing else going on in her life. Hopefully
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: it's not a phone issue. Hopefully it's none of those things.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Because in the meantime, it sounds like how you're kind
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: of growing in your frustration with her, um, but we
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: don't know what's going on on the other side, right
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: that's why I said, you can reach out one more time.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Whatever we voted. We voted and we said reach out.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: We could be like, but, bit, what the fuck you
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: ain't see my last day? That's how I would come
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: and see. That might be read in a nasty tone,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: you know, by the receiver, But I don't mean it.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: It's like, girl, where you at? Like, what's right? That's
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: how I mean it. I'm not interested. No, it's it's
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: only years. I've done it before, and this is somebody
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: I speak to every other day, if not every day.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: So if we went two weeks now without speaking the
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: stuff you were sending me via text, it's how you feel.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: So why would I want to clarify anything if you
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: don't want to, Because that's the last message I said.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, when you get a moment, can we
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: discuss this text? Read please? No response to that that's
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: not enough? Yeah? Good, good for you, because you do
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: want to see that this person wants to reconcile and
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: work it out as much as you do. So as
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: soon as you start feeling like, oh I care more
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: than you do, I can see how it will leave
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: you right where you are. Ye. So yeah, all right,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: here's another thing. I Um, so I'm in my thirties
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: and most of my friends now actually in my like
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: immediate you know, community are married, have kids, are in relationships,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: and I'm single and the only thing I have to
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: take care of is me and a plant, and the
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: plant is dying. So I need for new friends, like
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I need new friends that I can do stuff with
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: that aren't so occupied with children and husbands. And but
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: it's hard making friends as an adult woman. How do
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: you go about that? Do you have any advice on
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: that ideal? This is actually my favorite topic. It's funny because, um,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: I get a lot of questions about friendships, so many
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: different things. But if I had to rank like the
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: top three questions, this percent would be number one is
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: how do I make friends? Now, typically that question comes
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: with some kind of qualifiers, so women will say, you know,
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: how do I make friends in a new city, how
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: do I make friends as a military wife? How do
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: I make friends as an introvert? And so it always
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: comes with something like for my situation, how do I
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: do this? But I hope that that shows us that
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: will always be making friends. It's not weird to be
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: in your thirties and be like, how do I do this?
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Because you know, a lot of us believe the lie that, oh,
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: I should have made all my friends in high school,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: or I'm behind, or I should have this figured out.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: You will always be having to make new friends. If
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: you date somebody new and now you're trying to get
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: in with his friends and figure out their girlfriends, you're
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: always having to flex the muscles. So it's normal for
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: us to have to figure it out because we're gonna
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: have to do it multiple times. When it comes to
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: making friends as an adult and during a pandemic, it
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: does get a little tricky. Um, but it's totally possible.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: I hate to sound like a life coach, but some
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: of it does start with our mindset. I do have
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: women who believe they don't have enough time for it,
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: or they believe that, um, it's too late for them
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: because of their age or whatever life season. And the
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: problem is, if in the back of your mind you
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: secretly believe that you're not going to make new friend
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: for whatever reason, it is going to impact the way
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: you engage with people when you get an opportunity because
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: you don't believe it's even going to turn into something
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: you believe year behind. So the first thing is to
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: actually believe the fact that you can make friends at
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: any time for any reason. You don't have to have
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: a certain swag or a certain age or whatever. You
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: can make friends any time. So a couple of different
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: things you can do to like start making friends like today.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: The first thing I say is is to start with
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: who you know. And a lot of us will say, oh,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I need to make new friends, and we're saying that
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: to me, and I need to meet new people. Those
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: are two different things. Because for a lot of us,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: we have a lot of women in our circle currently
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: who we have written off for whatever reason. She's too young,
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: she's too loud, she's too you know, I'm an entrepreneur,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: she works nine five. We have all these reasons. We've
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: dismissed women you already know who have potential. I can't
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: drink as much as this is one friend. I wanted
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: to be her friend, but I can't keep to work.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: I could drink with you, and she's thinking, and maybe
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: she's thinking like and she's too much of a lightweight.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: This is not gonna work, you know. So m yeah,
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: So a lot of us, we have a lot of
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: women in our network already mutual friends who we see
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: at parties all the time. We see the same girl,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: you know, And so the first thing I like to
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: suggest is always start with who you already have. And
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I know we want to know, like how do I
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: meet new people? But who are the women who you
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: thought to yourself like, man, she seems really cool or
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: she's really funny. Who are those women who are already
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: in your circle? Why have you not yet initiated friendship
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: with them? What are the excuses you've made for why, oh,
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: well she is more my other friend's friend, or well
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: she I don't know. We don't really talk like that.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: Could you try, you know, sending a d M about
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: the latest post that she wrote instead of giving another
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: general comment. And there's like two d other comments, so
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: your stays in stand out. Can you slide in her
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: damns and be like, oh my god, your last message
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: like so resonated with me and then ask a question.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: But it puts me more top of mind, and I
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: don't get kind of blended in with the other people
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: who commented. It's a little bit different. Um, could you
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: do something where a lot of us who work from
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: home and we're in meetings all day long. You know,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: research tells us that most people meet their friends at
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: work because you tend to make friends with people who
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: you are exposed to the most. So that's why people
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: tend to make friends with their abers and with their coworkers,
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: because you're spending forty hours a week there. Um, it
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: tells us that you are twice as likely to make
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: friends with somebody who's physically in close proximity to you
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: just because they're there. So that's the case. How do
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: I make that work to my advantage? So I know,
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: sometimes at work we're like, I'm not trying to be
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: friends with anybody at work, and there's definitely a way
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: to go about it. But if you're in meetings all day,
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: why not at the next meeting that you have be
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: especially attentive to anybody who shares a good idea, they
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: say something funny, they ask a good question, and then
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: send them an email after and be like, oh man, um,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: thank you for asking that question during the meeting today
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: because I was thinking it but I didn't want to
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: say it. So, you know, perhaps to you for asking it,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: that's it. But all I'm doing is showing her like
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I'm interested and Normally we reserve that for guys, like, oh,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: let me reach out to him and show him I'm interested.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: But how does another woman know that you're you're interested
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: in maybe befriending her being kind of cool unless we
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: make it known. But we're still concerned about looking like
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: a lamb, looking desperate, looking like because that's what my
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: best friends thought, like, let you tell your friend story.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Fig girl in high school. All right, this is before
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: we had all right, I'm about to give back till
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: before you lean. We couldn't have phones. We couldn't have
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: phones in high school. Yes, before I was in UM.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: I wrote her. She was new and I wrote her
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: a letter and I passed it up to her and
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, what's your name, what school you
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: came from? Blah blah blah, And she was like, who
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: is the not k She was looking around the room,
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: like who the fox sent me a note? And then
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: she was like, it's a bitch that sent me this.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: And she thought I was the lesbian. She thought I
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: was hitting on her, but I was just trying to
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: make friends with her. And we've been the best friends
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: ever since twelfth grade. So right that it does work,
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: and you know, what that's so okay, that's so interesting
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: because I mean, I know we used the word romance
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: for you know, romantic relationships, but we don't romance our
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: friends enough. And I mean that by like pursuing our friends,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: like letting you know, like sending you a card, sending
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: you something in cash. I'll be like, get a coffee
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: before your job interview today, like romancing our friends pursuing her,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: And it sounds weird, but if it happened to you,
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: you'd be like, wow, that's amazing. A friend like says
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: I was thinking about you or I'm sending you something
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: you feel really good, But we're so used to doing
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: that with you know, the men in our lives, and
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: so it is weird or how she responded like, oh
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: what are you trying to do? We are on high
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: alert because we're like, well, this is weird, but it's
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: not weird. You know, it shouldn't be weird. Um, And
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: so you know, I know, I say, research says a lot,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: but it's because I'm a nerd, and so tells us that, Um,
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: we tend to like people who like us, and so literally,
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: so we think we're so complicated and we have all
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: these layers. We like people who like us, So think
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: about it. If you hang out, like with a group
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: of women, like let's say we all hang out tonight
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: and tomorrow I text you, I'm like, oh my gosh, um,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Tiffany said you are so funny. She cannot stop talking
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: about how funny you are. You suddenly really like Tiffany
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: because she thinks you're great, and so we like people
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: who like us. And so if that's the case, again,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: I always say, how can we make the research work
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: for us? If that's the hat than to make friends.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: I need to be more verbal when I find a
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: girl I like and saying so, now that doesn't mean nerdy.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: You need to in a corny way be like I
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: like you. But how do I say to her like, man,
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: it's so nice to finally meet another woman who likes
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: x y Z the same way I do. I'm kind
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: of signaling to her like I think you're cool because
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: she kind of will think that too, And I just
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: made it okay to talk about it. So could I say, so, Tiffany,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: you trying to give me? Please? Okay? What just joking?
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: I just I'm joking for second right now. I'm sorry. However,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: you want to interpret that research however you want to interpret.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: I'm just joking. So Daniel has a friendship coaching right
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: on your Your website is better Female Friends dot Com.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure to say that is not in her
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: damn coaching package. Tell us about the coking the coaching
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: you do. You got of hair it anyway, but you're
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: you're really good. Go ahead, No, I appreciate you. It's
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: it's funny because, um if when I first started, I'll
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: admit I was a little embarrassed to tell people because
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: I was actually a high school English teacher for six years,
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: and you know, and I was working with juniors and seniors.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: So between classes, you know, they're talking about their drama
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: or after school they'd come to me and be like,
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you know, and so I was like, oh, man,
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm coaching them through it. At the time,
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that's what I was doing. And so
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: then when I left that and I got into you know,
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: marketing and public relations, then I thought, I'm leaving that
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: drama behind because those routine girls. Now I'm working with
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: adult women, I probably won't see that drama anymore. And
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: then I realized, oh, okay, you know, we have our
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: issues too, And it showed me that in every stage
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: of womanhood, we're trying to figure out our relationship with
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: other women, and every stage it doesn't matter how old
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: you are. And so that's when I was like, man,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: I wonder if like coaching is a thing. And so
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: I went on Amazon and I looked up friendship books
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: at the time, and I was just curious, and everything
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: that came up in the search results was for children,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: and I thought, Oh, that's what we think of friendship,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: that kids need help, But if you're grown, you shouldn't
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: need help. And so I would argue, why is it
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: that if we need help with our business, we'll get
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: a business coach, and people like, wow, that's so great.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: If you are having issues in your relationship, will be like, oh,
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I need to go to counseling, you know, with my man.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Oh that's that's so awesome. Good for you guys. But
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: if I'm having issues with women constantly, then it's weird
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: to go and get help. And so research here it is.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: Research tells us that the single greatest factor that determines
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: your life satisfaction is not your income or your marital status.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: It's the quality of your relationships. If that's the case,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: then why are we not making it normal to say, hey,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: I keep having issues with friends. I'm having an issue
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: with a current friend. Help me out here. Why is
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: that not normal? If research is telling us that's the
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: most important thing that's going to make you feel satisfied
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: with your life is your relationships. And so that's why
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: I kind of got into it as a coach. You know,
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: all work with women who have every need from trying
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: to make friends in a new city. Um, they're going
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: through a friendship breakup, and they can't figure out why
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: they're not over it yet it's been three years, um
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: or there. They want to have a hard conversation with
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: a friend, but they don't really know how to bring
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: it up, or when they bring it up, they're too
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: harsh and they're like, Okay, I don't want to push
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: her away. I don't want to come at her too hard.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Some of us name yeah, and so I can really
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: help with whatever your friendship issue is. But a lot
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: of women feel like, who am I supposed to talk
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to about this? Because if you talk to your man,
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: sometimes he'll say something like, well, then just don't talk
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: to her anymore, and you're like, okay, well it's more competent.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: You don't like her for anyway. Yeah, guys, guys be
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: like yeah, and they do, but they do, they do exactly,
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: but we get that stereotyped, so they don't get it.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Your parents feel like they're a little too far removed
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: from it. And sometimes you feel like if you talk
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: to other friends about it, like you know, am I gossiping?
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Or is this going to get back to her? So
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: it's like you don't sometimes feel safe to talk to
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: somebody about your friendship UM. And so it's it's interesting
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: because a lot of women will bring to me things
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: that are very private and feel like they don't have
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: anybody else to talk to you. And the last thing
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: I'll say is, you know a lot of people think
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: if a girl's going to a friendship coach, she must
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: be like socially awkward and she doesn't know how to
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: talk to people. But what's crazy to me is most
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: of the women I work with are um at the
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: top of their careers. They're funny, they're the coolest girl
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: at the party, and they're coming to a friendship coach
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: because maybe they have a lot of friends, but they
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: don't feel connected to anybody, or they you know, make
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: friends really easily, but they're in a new city and
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: they want to do things differently this time. So a
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: lot of times, the woman I'm working with is charismatic
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: and smart and cool, but she's very intentional about wanting
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: better friendships. Do you find it easier to make friends
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: with black women or white women or others for me personally?
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: Or women are personally personally? Um? And wait, wait in
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: general too. I want to hear what other people say,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: because I have a theory about why it's how hard
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: sometimes for black women specifically to make friends. Yeah, okay,
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: I'm anxious to hear that. Yes, you know, I will
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: say I. Um, A lot of people in like the
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: friendship experts psychology space are white women. And so when
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: I do have a lot of clients who come to me,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: they're women of color, and they'll say, like, it's just
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: nice to talk to somebody who gets it, because I
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: need to talk to you about my white friend who
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: tried me and I don't think I can be friends
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: with her anymore. Or when everything was happening with George
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: Floyd and people were sharing their opinions. They were like,
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore, Like I don't have time
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: anymore for white people. I have to explain stuff too,
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: or she was my girl, but then she says something crazy,
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: I can't look at her the same. And so even
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: trying to figure out into racial friendships is something it's like,
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: how do you talk to a white professional about something
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: like that? UM? For me personally, you know my experiences.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: I was raised in a predominantly white, you know, suburb.
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: Then when I went to college, I started to see
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: some things and my eyes were open and and learn
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: more about myself and you're learning things about microaggressions. And
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: I had even more black friends and I couldn't see
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: my white friends the same once I got more black friends,
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: and so woke. Yeah, I know, I was trying to
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: avoid that word because that word is everywhere, but pretty
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: much when my eyes are open, okay. And so it's
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: interesting because at the end of the day, you should
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: be able to bring all of yourself to your friendship
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: racist side. I should be able to bring all myself
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: and I found too often and I have you know,
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: some white friends, but we had to put a lot
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: of work into it to be friends because I'm bringing
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: my whole self and being a black woman's a part
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: of my whole self. So I'm not gonna not have
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: conversations because it makes you uncomfortable. Um, for a lot
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: of black women were already on all day. I'm not
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: gonna be on with you. I'm not gonna explain little things.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: I don't have the patience to to explain why you
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: can't say that thing. There's no patience. And our friendships
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: should feel like home. So if when I come to
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: you and I'm trying to relax and you're supposed to
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: be a refuge and I have to be on or
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: explain things to you culturally, it feels exhausting. And so
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: do I have white friends, yes, Um, but you know
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: a lot of I think black women gravitate to a
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: black women because we automatically know that there's going to
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: be some kind of shared experience. And it's nice to
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: just be able to look across the room at somebody
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: and not have to say anything and be like did
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: you and they're like okay, and you didn't even exchange words,
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: and it's just like a whole other coal. So you know, Okay,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: hold that thought one second. Let's pay some bills. So
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: what But what's your thought on on making friends and
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: and black women and all that. What are your thoughts?
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: So I know you have one. I was raised by
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: a single black well I would say my mom was.
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: She wasn't a single parent, well a parent that's single
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: basically not necessarily a single parent because my dad was around.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: But I feel like, um, black women particularly um always
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: feel like they have to warn their daughters about other
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: black women. You know what I'm saying, Like, do you
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can't even trust This is
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: my experience. I don't know about y'all. You feel like
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: you can't even trust other black women until this day,
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: my mama she likes to say how she doesn't have
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: any friends, and it's it's I don't even trust women
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: who don't have friends or have a track record of
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: having successful friendships with other Black women are with women period?
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: Like feel like there's a problem with you, right why
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: you don't ever have friends or haven't had any friends.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: So that's that's my theory. Nelcie and I come from
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: the household when my grandmother didn't trust nobody black, white,
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: Mexican Asian. She always had a theory for every race
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: on why you should not trust me, Like, yeah, she's
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: gonna tell your business. It was equal opportunity. They're gonna
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: tell your business. Don't tell them everything. They're gonna tell
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: your business. They're gonna try to get your man. It's
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: just all these negative things surrounding friendships. Um, and I
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: love women like so she probably has had some traumatic
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: experiences herself with friendships and that's why she views it. Yeah,
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: that's this is so interesting. About a week ago, I
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: saw this TikTok that went viral. I think it has
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: almost ai milion views, and it's a girl saying, um
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: that she's realizing that if a girl can't be a
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: good friend to her, it's because she had a bad mom.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: And I just thought, oh, this is interesting and has
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: thousands of comments, and so, you know, I want to
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: speak to that soon on my own podcasts and things
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: like that. But I was thinking, Oh, the ways that
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: our mother's shape our approach and attitude to friendship today.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: It's things they say, it's things they do, it's did
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: they have friends? If not, then I didn't have a
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: healthy model of what having a girlfriend supposed to even
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: look like because my mom didn't have people over to
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: the house. So there's all these things that affect our approach.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: Now I'm not a psychologist, so I'm gonna stay in
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: my lane. I do think it's interesting that you know
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: her her issues were with black women. To me, that
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: just shows me that her experiences were with black women.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: So if I had three black women I called friends
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: and they all betrayed me, and then I'm going to
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: pull away some generalization about black women can't be trusted,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: so I could see how it put you on high
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: alert and your friendships of wait a second, my mom
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: told me this would happen. So there's a phrase for
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: in psychology, but I don't know if it's but it's
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: a subscribed But it's almost like if I think that
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: this thing is going to happen, then I suddenly see
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: it everywhere, and then I'm like, see, I knew it,
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: But like, well, yeah, because you were anticipating that a
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: black woman is going to screw you over, you know
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: that you don't realize that a white women can screw
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: you over. And it almost almost I'm gonna draw a
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: connection here is like these black uh, these black men
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: you hear talking about, why prefer a white woman because
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: blah blah blah, And we're like, what and she doesn't
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: have an attitude because you think an attitude is exclusive
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: to a black woman. It's kind of the same thing.
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: So if we're like, well, these kind of women have
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: these issues, that's not exclusive to her. That's just people,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: you know, or women who are like I can't do
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: female friends because they they'll talk about you. Yeah, that's
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: not exclusive to women. A male friend will talk about
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: you when you walk away too, you know. And so
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: we have to kind of figure out, Wait a second,
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: what complexes or stereotypes do I have that are actually
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: getting in the way of me having the kind of
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: friendships that I want. M Yeah, I mean it's still
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: to to this day she does, like if I want
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: to talk to her about something that transpired between me
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: and a friend, she'll be like, well, I told you,
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: And I don't subscribe to that because I really cherished
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: my friendships, you know what I'm saying, even when my
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: homegirl like I might hit her ass up next month,
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: but I don't know, right, But I still I still wouldn't.
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: I don't easily discard people, and I don't think of
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: myself as someone that you can just easily discard either,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: you know. So I don't. I don't subscribe it. I
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: think it's very healthy for women to have friends, and
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: I feel like I make friends pretty easy. I steal
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: friends too, Like I'm friends with people who the two
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: people aren't friends anymore, but I'm still friends with both
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: of them, you know what I'm saying. So, even moving
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: to new cities, I've always been I mean, women in
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: the club and not picking them up. Just I've met
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: Like when I moved to St. Louis, I met one
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: of my friends, I met the notes, I met my
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: first friend in the club, and then I met her friends.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: You know. So now I'm so friends with her and
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: I'm so friends with the other one, and they aren't
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: friends anymore. So it's just I don't know, see, all right,
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: I feel like I have a ton of acquaintances. All right,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: I have a ton of acquaintances, Like a million of acquaintances,
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: is right. But I'm like, I got so many green
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: bubbles on my instant story, right, all these green bubbles,
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: but a lot of these women, like I don't see
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: them as my friend, you know, I see them as acquaintance. Yeah,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: we're cool. But I can't call you and share my truth.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: I can't. We can go party, we can go drink,
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: we can share memes and ship like that. But let's
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: talk about I'm gonna challenge you for a second though.
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: But but what do you think that's about? Why do
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: you why do you think they aren't more meaningful? I
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know, like I don't feel like
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: um like, even with them, I don't feel like when
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: they're doing things that are more intimate, I'm included, you know. Interesting. Okay,
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: so there's this um This concept is called like affrontimacy,
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: a triangle and an other friendship expert, her name is
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: Shasta Nelson. She made this up. I'm wanting to picture
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: like a triangle, right, and her idea is that if
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: you want a deep friendship, it has to have three things,
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: and so she has each of the things written on
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: each side of the triangle. At the bottom of the
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: triangle is positivity. So she argues that if every time
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: we get together it's something negative, then we're probably not
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: going to be close because all we do is complain,
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: vent whatever every time we're together. Now, obviously, do we
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: do that sometimes in friendships, yes, But if out of
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: our last ten interactions, nine of them were just talking
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: about just the horrible things, then we're not going to
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: be close because all we do is just have negative interactions.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: So the first thing you need for for closeness is positivity.
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: The second thing is consistency. So I know it's popular
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: right now to say, like, oh, I don't have to
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: talk to my best friend for like ten years and
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: we just pick up where we left off. Okay, I'm
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: sure for some people that's the thing, but if anything,
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: you had to kind of earn that to get there,
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: you know. But like, I know, there's this new popular
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: thing about low maintenance friends. I see that a lot, like, oh,
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: I'm a low maintenance friend, and I get at that,
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: But I don't know if I support that, because I
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: feel like it's you being afraid to ask for what
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: you want. I don't know if anybody is comfortable with
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: I only talk to you sometimes, and I never know
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: when I'm gonna talk to you, and and so you
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: have to have consistency, meaning I regularly see you or
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: talk to you regularly. Somehow I cannot possibly be close
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: to you if I'm talking to you once every three months,
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: trying to get to know you. It just doesn't work
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: like that. And then the third thing that you need
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: to have deep connections is vulnerability. And I know a
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: lot of us when we hear that word, we picture
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: you know, you're crying your eyes out, or you're sharing
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: some secret that happened to you when you were eight.
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: And that's like on the far end of vulnerability, like
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: a level ten. But vulnerability just means I can put
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: myself in a position where this person will possibly reject me,
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: which feels scary, and for those of us who want control,
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: we don't want to do that. But that's literally what
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: is required to feel close is I've been vulnerable with
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: you a couple of times, and vice versa. And so
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: vulnerability can be as simple as let's say I find
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: a new friend group and they go to brunt every
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: weekend and they say, all right, Danielle, it's your turn
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: to pick where we go to brunch next weekend. And
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: I might find myself thinking like, oh my god, I
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: don't want to pick like a lame spot. I don't
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: want to pick a spot that they think is stupid.
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: That is vulnerability because there's a chance that they're gonna
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: reject my idea or think it was stupid, and so
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: that is vulnerability too. It's just like a level two
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: it's not a level ten vulnerability where I'm self disclosing
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: really personal things. But that is vulnerability too. So the
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: reason I asked why you feel like you may not
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: be having as much depth as you want. We have
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: to pinpoint which of those things is missing. Would you
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: say that any of your interactions it lacks positivity. Would
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: you say that you meet with the acquaintances in your
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: life very irregularly, so y'all can't find a rhythm to
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: get closed. Or would it be because you guys do
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: surface level things and so it never gets deep and
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: it's like the cycle. One of those things or maybe
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: more of those things is missing. So what is it?
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: What is So it's always positive energy over here? Right?
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: So I'm always a good time, right, but I probably
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: don't show up a lot, right, So I do get
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: invited ship, and I just stay in the house a lot, right,
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: So I don't show up a lot, And then when
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: I do show up, it's just we're talking about TikTok's
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: and Instagram ship, and uh, this is very surface level ship.
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: It's never I mean I pick a restaurant, I don't
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: give a funk. If you don't like it, then you
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: don't eat, like they don't. I don't feel like, you know,
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: that's vulnerable for me. But um yeah, maybe I don't
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: allowed to be more than surface a lot of times
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: because a lot of us will say like, I can't
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: be close to them, and it's like, but do you
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: feel comfortable trying? Have you tested their capacity to accept
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: your vulnerability? And so it's almost like what came first,
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: the chicken or the egg kind of thing, because a
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: lot of us are waiting for them to demonstrate emotional
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: safety that I'd be safe here. But then we have
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: to give him a chance to show it. So I
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: have to give you something to see if you are,
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: you know, open minded and things like that for me
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: to see like, okay, we can do that here. So
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: we have to test it though, So how I mean,
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: how do you are you open to that? See, that's
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: another thing. I don't know if I'm even because sometimes
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: I'd be like these bitches is cool, But I don't
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: even know if I fought with y'all like that, So
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: you know I'll be that I'll be more reserved like
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: and then I'll be saying stuff like they're much younger
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: than me. I don't know if we have a lot
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: in common in that way, But aren't you looking for
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: men who don't have kids or husband and all that stuff? Yeah,
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: so they always much younger than me, you know, so
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like I might be more mature girl childish?
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: Hell what you talk about? Yeah, but I mean just
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: like you're right, You're right, I am a childish just fu,
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: but you are not. I mean, the situation you're describing
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: is actually super common. About being women in their thirties
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: not married with kids is actually super common right now.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: You know, research is showing that more women are living
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: alone than ever before. So because we have the means
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: to do it, we don't depend on a guy to
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: house us. Until of us are living alone. A lot
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: of women are putting kids off until later, like they're
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: choosing to not have kids yet they're putting off marriage.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: And so there's actually more and more women in the
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: pool that you're describing. So I know that it is
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: more common to find a woman in her thirties and
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: she's married with kids, but there are a lot more
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: women than they're used to be who are in the
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: thirties and do not have kids and are not married.
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: So they're out there. They're out there. Oh yeah, congratulations
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: on a new baby. Oh thank you. Yes, I don't.
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: I don't know how people have more than one kid.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: It is crazy over here. Even before I got on
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: this call, I looked at my husband. I was like,
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: keep that baby quiet. I'm on an interview. So it's
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: it's crazy over here, but but it's a blessing. Yes,
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: how did your baby? My son is three and then
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: my daughter is five weeks. Oh wow, you just fresh?
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah pretty much. Yeah, yeah, I can walk now. So yeah,
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: it's it's it's it's going good. God, bless your girl.
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: I'm dead by getting another dog. That's what I think.
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: I'm about to get another dog, and I'm gonna have
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: to throw that plan out and get another plant. The
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: plant is I don't know what I did wrong. I
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: was wading it else, I'm talking to it like I
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: don't know. I feed it like you probably. It said
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: give it three cubes of ice once a week. That's
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: what I did. And now the motherfucker's just looking real saying, hell,
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: what kind of planet is that that takes ice? It
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: was a money tree, I got it out of hopefully
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: you're doing it wrong ship. That's why money tree. Yeah, man,
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: see that get you say, two women listening, if you
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: have plant tips, you need to slide in my d
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: M and help me out because I'm struggling. And then
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: they're like, oh my god, I have tips and then
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: you kind of filter through there, you know. Yeah, if
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: y'all tell me a plant that I can't kill, what's
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: the plans of and low maintenance plants? Yes, I don't
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: need low maintenance friends because I feel like I'm more
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: of a medium maintenance friends. I wouldn't say hi, but
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: you know the post that I hate those posts that say, uh,
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: nobody checked on me? Y'all are aware those what that's
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: probably what people mean by having low maintenance friends? Like,
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: at what point do you not think that everybody, including
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: you and your friends are just going through ship? Right,
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: so somebody doesn't hit you up? Like did you hit
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: them up to see? I would be mad about that
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm supportive, Like, once I value
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: your friendship, I'm going to be supportive, I'm gonna hit
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: you up. I'm going to like, are you good? If
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: I know you're going through something. I'm going to offer
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: whatever way I can help, but then I need that
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: in return sometimes, like I need to know that you know,
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: when I'm going through it, I hear from you too,
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: you know, and I think something because even in the
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: midst of you going through some ship, I might be
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: going through some ship, but I'm still here for you,
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: you know, I guess. So that's one of my New
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: Year's was I hate saying New Year's resolutions. So that's
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: one of the things I want to work on, is
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: affirming people one thing, because people always affirm semi affirmations
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: and stuff like I don't always do it because I'm
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: not that thoughtful, you know. I want to be more thoughtful,
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: like damn me, it's thoughtful like and stuff. I love
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: her like she going and those states, and I just
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: don't not because I don't value our friendship. Art that
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: I don't value her. I just I don't know in
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: my selfish m possibly I just don't be thinking about this,
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: just like I'm sorry, but but you are so are
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: very selfless too. So I've seen you do like some
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: hugely selfless ship like ship. I would never do like
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: this woman took a homeless lady into her house and
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: let her live there a year, a whole woman. She
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: never don't know that ain't her cousin Auntie. This is
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: a complete stranger that she would see leaving the gym,
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: and she started talking to this woman and then took
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: her in her house and let her live there. Renfrey
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: for an entire gonna I'm gonna show up for big things,
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, like little things, because I
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: don't fret about little things. So if my friend never
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: buys me anything, I'm not gonna but I'm gonna show
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: up when you have something. I'm gonna be the last
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: person to leave and help you clean up. Like that's
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: that's how I uh, friendship. That's so, that's so good
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: because everybody's heard of like the whole love language concept
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: and like give love, how you receive love and all that,
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: but this is so good. So even hearing y'allse differences
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: right now, like, oh, I'm the type you know a
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: lot of little thoughtful things. I want to send them
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: your way and for you to say, like, yeah, I
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: don't really operate like that, but I show up when
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: it counts in a really big way. We all do.
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: Friendship differently. And I think the biggest thing is I
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: have a lot of women who, you know, when they're
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: talking about why they're unsatisfied with the friend, it's like, Oh,
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: she didn't show up for me. She doesn't show up
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: for me. And the first question I always ask is
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: what is showing up for you look like? And forcing
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: you to define it? And then I asked, does she
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: know that because we're penalizing each other for not showing up,
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: but she has no idea that that's what you need, Like, Oh,
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that you like me to send you
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: lots of little thoughtful things. I thought it mattered that
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: I stayed to help you clean up after the party,
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: you know, And so I didn't know that you know
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: that that's meaningful to you, and so that if you
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: don't get it, you're making assessments about our friendship. I
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: didn't know that that's even what you need. Um. And
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: so this is a perfect example of how we all
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: do friendship differently. But I think the most important next
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: step is what are you doing with that information? A
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: lot of us were like, no, that's just what I need.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: I need friends who can do it this way. How
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: important is it to you? To receive it that way,
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: and if it is, did you tell her that? But
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: we can't keep penalizing each other for things that they
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: don't have access to that information. So I didn't even
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: know you're upset about it. I didn't know you need that.
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: You never told me, you know. And so basically the
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: same way we treat men in relationships, we kind of
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: do it to our friends. So you expect him to
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: read your mind the same way men do. They expect
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: that's read of minds too. But if you don't tell
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: a person like this is how I want to be treated,
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: they don't know, or we're scared that it makes us
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: look like demanding or biteating or a need, so we
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: don't say it. But again it goes back to this
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: secret belief that friendship should be easy. Um, there's a
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: research study that it asked a bunch of women, do
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: you believe that making friends and friendship should be easy?
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: Or do you believe that it should require work? And
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: they followed those women for five years, and the women
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: who said I believe that friendship should be easy, we're
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: reporting greater feelings of loneliness than the women who said, well,
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: I anticipate friendship will kind of be a lot of work.
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: And so it's our expectations. If you're going around cutting
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: people off because you know, she did that, she did that,
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: or I shouldn't have to have a whole conversation she
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: should know. I shouldn't have to all that. You're gonna
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: find yourself starting from scratch over and over with new people.
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: You know, I kind of stay away from women who
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: always have like so my friends that I have lost
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: are people who tend to always have different friends, Like
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: I have lifelong friends and relationships like people. When I
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: meet somebody, I'm usually their friends forever, right, But the
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: friends that I have lost are people who you always
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: see them with different groups of people, like they just
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: always have a new bestie. I'm not that way, you
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. That's what I was trying to Yes,
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: and they don't like girl, you just add water and
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: made an instant friend. Get out of here that it's
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: not your friend, Like I'm your friend. That is not
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: your friends. That's gonna say, who is? Who's somebody friends?
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: You don't get to tell somebody who they freend night.
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: That's your friend because we befriend right now now, she's
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: your friend this week. She ain't gonna be your friend
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: next week. And you can't tell her your baby daddy business,
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: like that's not your friend, get out of here. But
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: that's how you been. You start friendships like you gotta
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: it's gotta start somewhere, right. But if they always meet
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: that just dad water friends is good, I'm stealing that. Yeah,
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: it's hard because well, that's kind of the tricky thing
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: about friendship is we're all defining it differently, right, Like
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, yeah, that's my friend, but some people
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: don't use that word loosely and they're just like, yeah,
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: I know, or we're cool. Other people are like, oh
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: yeah that's my friend. That's my friend and they met
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: a week ago, and so we I mean, there's no rules.
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: We're all out here using the same language, but we
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: have different ideas of what we're talking about. And so
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm the type that you know, I do
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: kind of try to be mindful of how I use it.
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: Or I'll say like, oh, yeah, yeah we're cool or
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: yeah I know she is, but I don't bring myself
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: to say like, yeah, we're friends, because that means something different. Um,
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: And so yeah, it's interesting that Some women are just like, oh,
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: if I really like her and and we like hanging out,
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: that's my friend. Others are like, no, I require a
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: little bit more, um, and so I can see how
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: you see that. And then a lot of women we
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: need to be careful of what we call fast friendships,
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: where you just are so caught up in chemistry. They're like, Okay,
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: now you're my friend, and if you want to use
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: that language for her, that's fine. Um. But we have
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: to be cautious of when we get really really close,
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: really really fast, because it's just like with the romantic
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: relationship over And that's why I say acquaintance. She's an
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: acquaintance of mine. That's what I say. I don't call
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: nobody like it take a lot for me to be like, oh, yeah,
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: that's my friend fish. I don't know you like that.
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: But what I so, I I do hair and I
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: treat all my clients like friends and family, right, I
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: treat them really, I treat them like that. I want
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: I try to build that report because when you sit
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: in a chair, you share things like I don't know
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: if it's something about the energy transfer, but women opened
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: up to me in a way that they wouldn't at
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: a bank, right if they were coming to get their
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: money from the bank. They're not telling the bank telling
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: all that ship, right. So I treat them like friends
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: and family, and some of them do become friends and family, right.
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: But then sometimes I feel like they try to take
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: advantage of that treatment and they want special treatment, like
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: they think they can show up an hour late to
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: the appointment, or I'm supposed to work after I'm off
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: because they track slipped out and they need me to stay,
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: you know, like, and I end up falling out. Once
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: I said a boundary. Once I said a boundary with
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: a bit is fuck you, And then I'd be like
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: really mad, like I'll fight you when I see you,
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: just because of how good I treated you. I've always
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: treated you so good. And the one time I said
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: a boundary and say no now as fuck me. So
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: I have a lot I have that going on. I
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: don't know how to have healthy boundaries within that. They
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: don't know how to have hell sounds like they don't.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: It sounds like you have very reasonable boundaries, like you
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: can't be asking me to stay after hours, like that's
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: very reasonable. I'm wondering if one reason for that is
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: if the relationships started with you being of service like
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: doing their hair, then then it's kind of transactional. Now,
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: of course, obviously that can turn into real friendships. But
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: if the way that we started being friends or knowing
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: each other is you're doing a service for me and
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: then we become cool, then they might be kind of
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: testing it because they it's not out of like genuine friendship.
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: It's out of like, oh, I'm cool with you know
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: my hair stylists, And so sometimes it's kind of tricky.
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: That's why it's tricky making friends at work because at
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: the heart of it, you have to wonder, what is
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: this like a transactional thing, like we're using each other
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: to climb the ladder, or are we like actual friends
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: which requires me to honor your boundaries and we compromise
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: for each other and it's totally different. But yeah, that's
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: very telling. If you have women who are you know
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: who they hear you say what you need or what
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: you won't do and try to push anyway, I mean,
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: that's just yeah. I have that. I have lost like
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: two people that I considered that I considered my real friend,
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: not an acquaintance, like I consider my friend that like
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: I don't want to be her friend or more because
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: she wouldn't do my hair if I thirty, Like, what
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: the fuck? It was never my friend to begin with
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: a bit snappy when I say, like I'm joking, I don't.
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: I don't believe in violence, y'all, and you'd be the
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: main one I'm saying that says, uh, we talk back.
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: That's not condoned violence. I don't. I don't really mean that.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: I don't. I'm I'm growing up. I'm not gonna hit you, right,
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: but my feelings be heard, so i'd be wanting to
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 1: slap the ship I bitch. I ain't gonna lie, but
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: just because my feelings hurt, that's just how it comes out. Yeah,
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: that's disappointing because they obviously should be able to say like, oh,
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: of course, I don't expect you to work longer than normal.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: I don't expect you know. So Yeah, that is people
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: who I would wonder what the rest of their friendships
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: look like. Let me say like that, if they don't
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: see the problem with pushing you past what you said
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: you don't want to deal, then it would just make
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: me wonder if they just respect, like just in general, right,
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 1: y'all also look, so this is another thing we can
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 1: add to our Knew Years resolutions. For two, we are
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: making more meaningful friendships. I like, I want to be
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: surrounded by millionaires. That way I would never be broken in. Like,
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: I know I can borrow money from my friends, they
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: can borrow money from me. Like those are real life goals. Um,
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: I don't care what how much money people got. I
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: just want genuine people who I can love and they
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: can love me back with my flaws because I come
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: with flaws, right, and they don't discard of me because
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: of them, you know, like they're willing to work through
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: any difference with me. And likewise, you know, I don't
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 1: expect people to come perfect, and if they was perfect,
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: they probably wouldn't want to be my imperfect friend, right,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: Like why my friends with this bitch it's not as
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: perfect as me. I love that you said that, because
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: that's true, right is as I hear a lot of
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 1: women like, oh, well she's to this or she did this,
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: and they don't have much tolerance um for shortcomings of friends,
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: Like we'll say it, but then when it happens, we're like, A,
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm not feeling it or whatever. And
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 1: I think we forget that well, a lot of the
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 1: friends you currently have, they're making accommodations for you. And
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think one reality we don't acknowledge is like,
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 1: you know, that friend who irritates you or has that thing,
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 1: she has that for you too, Like she loves you,
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: but she thinks some of the things you do are
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: really obnoxious too. And so if we're walking around kind
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: of in the critics seat and we can pinpoint everybody
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: else's shortcoming, I think a reality check is yeah, and
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: the people in your life are doing that for you too.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: I think maybe that humbles us and makes us see
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: the importance of, you know, not looking for the perfect
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 1: friend who totally gets us and never disappoints us. That's
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: just not realistic. Mm hmm. Yeah. I remember one year
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: my best friend tore my house up. She like knocked
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 1: it off the counter. She was so mad at me,
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: But I was like, I was like picking, pick and
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: pick and pick and picking. And I didn't realize I
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: was doing it because we were drunk. And I realized
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: it when all my ship was broke on the floor.
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I went too far, didn't I
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: so what you call her bat at something because that
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: that I'll funk your house up. You call me fat
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: now I can knock her fast. She had some perfect
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: figure that would be the only thing that makes that
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: would make me mess somebody house up. That's the way
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about me. I was just barking orders at everybody.
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 1: I think that's how I was. I was, you know,
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: I got a very aggressive personality and instead of saying
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: can you do this please, or just like we need
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 1: to go and we do this, and yeah, I was
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: just very being very tammy. And she had had enough
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 1: that day and she showed me her forearm. She took
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: her forearm and cleared my whole fucking island off. Are
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: you still friends? Best friends? That's still my best friend
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: in the world. Maybe abusing each other? No, No, that
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 1: is the one time in our entire friendship, the one
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: I wrote the note in the twelfth grade, we thought,
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: I was yeah, yeah her so yeah, we ended up.
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: She called me that same night. It didn't even go
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: on that long, Like we didn't even fight that long,
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: and you know, we made up and she's like, I'm
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: she sent me a cash app because this wasn't that
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: long ago. That's how you know cash She sent me
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: a cash app for all the stuff that she broke,
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: and I apologize for being tammy and we made up.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: That's the Yeah, don't come nobody. I ain't saying it's
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: just come in my house and break my ship. There,
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: figure out to fight. Let's talk, because it won't go
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 1: the same way for you that it went for her. Like,
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: you know, it's the last thing I want to talk about.
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: I don't like friends that tell their significant others my business,
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like, that's a problem I
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 1: feel like I have with some people because I've had
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: a friend who I would be on the phone her
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: and somehow you got me on speaker phones and now
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: your man is chiming in on what the hell are
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 1: we talking about? So how does he even know what
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: we're talking about? Yeah, I just anticipate that. Why though,
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: I guess you need to ask if you you need
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: to ask a friend first, if you meet a woman's like, hey,
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 1: are you a chatty patty? Like, do you feel like
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: you have to tell your man everything? Because because I
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: don't like that. Yeah, yeah, that's it almost feels like
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 1: one of those girl code things. Like, we shouldn't have
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 1: to say this, but it goes to how you you
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: do have to say things because we're operating under two
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: different realities of what's okay. For a lot of women,
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: they feel like when they tell you, oh, obviously I'm
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: gonna tell anybody. A lot of them believe that the
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: spouse doesn't count because they believe in their relationship. Of course,
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 1: tell you, I'll say, don't repeat this. Yeah, yeah, I'll
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 1: say that, and then she she will be like one
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: of my friends. She will be like, girl, i ain
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: gonna tell nobody. But then now he's commenting in the
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: middle of our conversation, what the hell. So maybe that's
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: where we have to be like, don't tell anybody, and
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: I'm talking even your man. Don't tell Travis either. You know,
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: sometimes we have to say specifically, no way. At least
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: later we can say I told you specifically, But now
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: he won't let you come out to play because he's
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: calling me a whole because you don't told him my
• 1:07:35
  Speaker 1: dad business. And that's why you don't. That's why you don't. Yeh, Travis,
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 1: No everything though, that's a lot of times, you know,
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: just have to be prepared for Travis to know. That's
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: how I feel like. If I don't, if it's something
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: that I feel like, Travis don't need to know, I'm
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: not gonna tell her either, right, That's how I just
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: feel like I have to operate because Travis is gonna
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: be like man, Timmy be on that they'd be laying
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 1: in a bit, Travis, No, all my business, your life
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: like a TV show for them. But I've also been
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: that friend, though I also have sad with my nigga
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 1: and was like, let me tell you what Ashley just did.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: It is crazy. I'm not gonna tell anything that's too incriminating. No,
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: I won't tell anything that's like like wow, wow, but
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 1: I have I can't even sit here in line and
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: say I haven't done it. You know that I haven't
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: shared with my man when I had a man, and
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: I ain't got no man now, so you ain't got
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: nothing to worry about. But I've done. This is really fun.
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: I like women man, you know, in the friendship manner,
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 1: and I like them in both friend is sometime more
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: it's only drunk, though only drunk once we're sober the
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: next day. I ain't even gonna try you like that,
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: and don't try me either. Okay, yeah, you're gonna have
• 1:08:57
  Speaker 1: to make that cure. You don't have to make that clear. Yeah,
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: this is good. And you know what um when you
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: know a lot of us are familiar with like the
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 1: fight or flight concept, like when you get stress or
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 1: you're gonna fight or flight. When they did that research
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 1: study again, they did it with women, and they found
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 1: that women have an extra set of responses that we
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: do when we're stressed, and it's called tend or befriend.
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: So when we get stressed sometimes we'll literally go to
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: other women to talk in the stress. And the research
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 1: study found that when women get together and their stressed
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 1: and we talk and we mingle and we try to
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 1: help each other through, it produces oxytocin, which literally decreases
• 1:09:35
  Speaker 1: our stress. And so I mean there's biology to this,
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So that's why when you
• 1:09:41
  Speaker 1: have a really good talk with your friend or something
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: like this where we just chatted and you're like, man,
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 1: I'm among other women that felt really good. There really
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: is something to that. And so I always joke, you
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 1: know when your man's like, oh, what are you gonna
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: go and tell all your friends? It's like Yeah, that's
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 1: exactly what I'm gonna do because it really works. Yea, yeah,
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: a little listeners know where they can find you at
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 1: all the details. Yeah, so, um I'm on Instagram of course,
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: it's my full name um Or on Instagram at friend Forward,
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: and I also have a weekly podcast also called friend Forward,
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 1: and that's all we talk about. And then everything else
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 1: is at Better Female Friendships dot Com and the whole
• 1:10:14
  Speaker 1: thing is just dedicated to helping you create and maintain
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: better friendships with other women. Totally platonic, damny, no nothing else.
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: So okay, it's not a dating website. Y'all can't pick
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 1: up no bitches at freend Sport, all right, No, No,
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: we gotta do it. We gotta do a dumb bage story,
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: dumb based stories, because we've all been a dumb bitch
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 1: at least once or twice. I don't know if you
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 1: listen to our show, but we have this segment call
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: dumb bag Story. And it's not that you're a dumb
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 1: bitch or anything. It's just you had a dumb bach moment. Right,
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 1: So we've all this had a had a time where
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 1: we got played by somebody, or we got cheated on
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: or something like that. But you could do it like
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 1: a friendship one you don't. It doesn't have to be
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: with the man um um. You know. First, I'll say
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 1: this is sometimes people ask me like why I'm I'm
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: in the space and things like that, and I say,
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: it's because I used to be a really bad friend.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: I think that's why I'm so good at operating now
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: as a coach, because lived experience. So with that being said, um,
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna say too much, you guys put
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 1: it all out there, I'm not there, okay, but I
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 1: will say that I've I've had a friendship before we're
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: um where I you know, you know, sometimes you break
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: girl code whatever that means, or you know, we we
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: we have rules about don't date this guy or be
• 1:11:46
  Speaker 1: with this guy if if he was that whole thing,
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: and I definitely did not honor that, and I knew
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: at the time that it probably would stir stuff up.
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 1: And this was like years ago, but you know, you
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: you start to justify in your head and I feel like, um,
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: that was one of those things where you put a
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 1: guy before your friend in the moment, and when things
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 1: materialized and the consequences come out, you realize it was
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 1: not even worth it, but you just were not thinking,
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 1: you know, clearly or you know. And so I've had
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: some you know, I've had that moment before and it
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: kind of strained a friendship that I really, honestly wish
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: I still had today. But this was years ago. That
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 1: was you know, Danielle one point oh, I'm Danielle three
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 1: point oh. You know, so I'd like to think I learned,
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: but maybe that would be my moment is is putting
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 1: guys over friends and then not being prepared for the
• 1:12:31
  Speaker 1: consequence of losing the friend. And I can admit that
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 1: that that was totally on me. That's a friendship that ended,
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: and that was my fault. So one of your friends,
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: that's what I heard. Wait, confused, that's what I heard,
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 1: just putting guys before friends. I'll just say like that.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 1: I'll come on now, okay, So what I'm hearing is
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: clutch my pearls. Let me clutch my pearl. Thank you
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: so much for joining us. This was a lot of fun.
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: I really enjoyed this episode, and I think I got
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: some tools because all right, the friend that I was
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: talking about where I said that I told her she
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: was sometime me. I'm going to revisit that friend next
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 1: week and trying to like men fences because I don't
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 1: miss her. You know, look at that, I'm not trying
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 1: to So thank you for that. And I'm gonna I'm
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 1: not gonna be like, bitch, what's the problem. I'm gonna
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 1: be like, I just want to start with letting you
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: know that I value our friendship and I'm coming from
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 1: a place of love when i have this conversation with you.
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 1: Look at growth. That's good. That's good. Yeah, I know
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 1: this is good. I appreciate you all having this conversation.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 1: I feel like we don't talk about this enough, and
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 1: so I appreciate you being intentional about having this conversation.
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: And I'm sure there are people listening when been listening
• 1:14:00
  Speaker 1: who needed some of the things y'all shared honestly and
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 1: openly about, and so I'm glad that more of us
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 1: are starting to have this kind of dialogue. Yes, my
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 1: quest is Daniel Jackson. Y'all listen. So if you guys
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode, please tune in every Thursday on the
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: I Heart Radio Apple wherever the fun you get your
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 1: podcast that we laugh it's your girl. A J. Holiday
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: to play on Instagram and it's official. Tam Bam y'all
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: on Instagram, y'all follow me and listen. I love y'all
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: and I'll be your friend. If y'all need some friends,
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 1: hit us up, talk to us, send us some dumbing
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 1: stories because we're always friendly when we respond to those.
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: If you're white folks, we need some questions for asked
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 1: a black friend where your black friend were already your
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 1: fucking friends. So send us a message, send us a question.
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: We love y'all. Y'all have a good one. Thanks,