Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Business, Motherhood & Relationships with Robyn Gooding

Transcript

Business, Motherhood & Relationships with Robyn Gooding · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you're seeking a relationship at the eyes, the lights are all of you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: You're in the right place.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'm super thrilled to be sharing the mic with Robin Gooding, who is one of the most intuitive, soulful, kind, and wise coaches and human beings I've ever met.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure once you've listened to some of the juicy goodness that she will no doubt share with us, you will agree.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: So to introduce her, I will read you through her beautiful bio and then we'll get stuck into our discussion.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So settle in for some juicy goodness as I introduce the amazing Robin Gooding.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Robin Gooding is a certified business and life coach, host of worldwide retreats, proud mama to a daughter, female empowerment superfan, hashtag feminist, and sunshine chaser.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: She thrives in building up humans, businesses, and communities.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: With almost a decade of experience in global business consulting for companies at various stages of growth from startups to seven figures and beyond, Robin decided to build a business with women at the core, integrating her signature framework of strategy, systems and soul to support women in building profitable businesses so that they can lead their version of a rich life.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: She coaches women around the world how to start and scale their online business, walk away from their nine to five, and truly believe that they can have it all.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the podcast, Robin.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really excited to have you as a guest.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you so, so much.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Same here.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Really excited.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I did my happy dance when I came on.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to kick off and just ask if you can share with the listeners a little bit of your story, you know, how you came to start your business, perhaps, and really a bit about your why.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually never studied business formally.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I did my undergraduate degree in geopolitics and English language.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go to law school.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: In Canada, you have to do an undergrad, and then you go to law school after that.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that was always my plan.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I had no money, my parents had no money.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I needed to basically work to pay for what was going to be law school.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to be a human rights lawyer.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in Africa, saw a lot of things, um, always had a heart for justice and equity and all of that community development stuff.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, my job straight out of university was working with Subway.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if you have them in Australia.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we do.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, we do.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: One of Elliot's favorites.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So at the time, they were the fastest franchise, fastest growing, I should say, franchise in the world.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was working for their Western Canadian head office, um, basically consulting on business owners.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so multi-seven figure portfolio.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I was young and naive, and I remember saying to the guy that hired me, I was like, I don't have my business degree.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you putting me in this role?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Well, I can teach you like the real deal of growing a business, not what they teach kids in in a textbook.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually don't hire kids who who have the formal education.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to shape you myself.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So he was very hands-on as a mentor, and it was the most amazing experience.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really my first insight into how business could be a conduit for healing and for freedom and for opportunity for people.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So from there, I ended up moving to Japan, to Tokyo, and consulted businesses in my own sort of my own business.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I went as a lone wolf and and realized the corporate thing wasn't for me.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah, I just fell in love.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I helped a lot of businesses at different stages.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then I wanted to do my my master's degree.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I did international relations out of a school in Berlin, and I focused on female economic empowerment in countries where they had highly educated female populations.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to understand why women are not reaching this pay equity, this economic equity, even though we are now catching up in informal education.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the biggest barrier at the time was motherhood.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I happened to surprisingly fall pregnant at the same time and realized, well, I have big dreams, and all the research that I'm studying is telling me that my dreams will be deeply interrupted by this beautiful child I'm bringing into the world.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that was sort of the start of my awakening, I would say, my rebellion, um, away from society structures for economic mobility and really sort of journeying into what that could look like for me to have the career I wanted, to make the money I wanted, and to be the mom that I wanted, how to shatter those ceilings.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Which is a question I was going to ask you.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't even have to ask you that question, but maybe we can go a bit deeper.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: So how did you implement that?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, how did you shatter the ceiling?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: How did you shake up the paradigm?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and really, I guess too, how how does becoming a mom really impact women financially?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, such a bach a big way in all the ways.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So there's the motherhood penalty, which is well documented where women who are becoming mothers or who are mothers earn less than other women.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then the fatherhood bonus, which says that when a man becomes a dad, he earns more.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a nice, you know, little treat from society.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, guys.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so for me it was a journey because to be honest, I at the time had a partner who was working away a lot.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I never really had that normal nine to five partnership.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, I was doing a lot of the caregiving when he was away and working at the same time.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it was really, really, really, really hard.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I just kind of do it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Something happened uh at my place of work, and I I quit on the spot pretty much like the next day.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I was kind of thrown into the deep end.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was one of those, I guess, moral compass defining moments of like what do you stand for and who do you stand for and and what's your life going to be about?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: At the time I was working in business strategy for some of the bigger corporations in Canada.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: We were I was working for a consulting firm that consulted for them.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, like I look back on that time and it's kind of a blur because a lot of things were being thrown at me all at once.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I was sort of cornered into a decision that I don't think I would have made on my own.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Having said that, I think back on it and it it all made sense because when, for example, when I was helping male, like when I was business consulting for men, the problems that they were having that I was helping with them with were significantly different from the things I was helping women with.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, like for a guy, I could give him a strategy, he could run with that.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It was all business, it was numbers, it was data.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a generalization, but for the most part it was true.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: For the women, there was like imposter syndrome and a lot of mindset stuff, and a lot of um the alignment piece and like the the desire to deeply contribute through work and how conflicted they were because they were having this burden at home and they were feeling like they had to work two, three times as hard at work to prove themselves.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And and it was very messy, and it was for me a big kind of like a-huh moment of wow, like women need need support, and from like a personal values perspective, I was like, I'm kind of done helping all these like big fish make money.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of want to help the everyday women like break free of this bull.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Am I allowed to swear?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay, bullshit and and like make a life for themselves, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And at that point, I started studying um life coaching because I realized I needed to integrate that as a skill set into the strategy and the systems that I'd been doing for almost a decade at that point.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and then I started my own business from there.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Adding the small place in.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: When you when you said before that you've your partner spends a lot of time away, um, I I feel like that gives you a bit of a taste of what it's like to be a single mom.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: So you can bring that to your women and to your community.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: What do you see, or what would you say to someone who is about to become a single mom or a woman who is single and wants to be a mom in terms of that motherhood penalty?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you know, my heart really goes out to that woman who's kind of looking at her future, feeling really alone and overwhelmed by it.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing I would say is you do not need to be superwoman.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like you do not need to do it all on your own.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know anyone who does.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a really great quote that I don't know the exact word, but I always think of it.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's basically if you see me standing tall, it's because I'm standing on the shoulders of giants, something along those lines.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think of my life that way.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I've ever reached a milestone, whether it's tangible or not, personal and professional, it's because I've really leaned on people in my life who have supported me, you know, and so I would say create your support system.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know you talk about this all the time, your team.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Build your team.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely build your team.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Another part of that is fine for me, it was really important.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So just to kind of give context, there were seasons where he would be gone three weeks at a time, solid, be back like five days, then gone two weeks.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was kind of always fluid, which in and of itself is disruptive.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so like to create your own schedule regardless of your partner's schedule, but to have your own routines, to like make sure that you're taking ownership of your life and your independence.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, of course, there has to be some flexibility, but to feel in control of that at least was important for me and to have my own rhythm regardless of what he was doing.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, on a certain day of the week, it was always girl time.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: If that happens to be the only day he was home that week, it didn't change my life, right?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was like this is still happening.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, it was important to have my own life and to have my own identity and to have my own rhythms of anchoring me in my own life, regardless of all the things that were kind of floating around.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then financially um pursue my own thing.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there were definitely years where he financially supported me, and now there have been years where I have financially supported him.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, in our relationship, we've had both, but I think it's just so important to know that you don't have to give your power away to someone just for that security.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, 100%.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: When you touched on the fact that there were times when um you were financially supporting the family and other times when your partner was financially supporting the family, kind of makes me think of something I wanted to ask you.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that is what do you see and what do you feel personally, but also with your clients?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what's the role of a partner in pursuing a dream or building a business?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then flip it to the single, to the single woman, the single mama.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: So double barrel questions, sorry.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's good.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's fine.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, honestly, I say it very often that I couldn't do honestly what I do without having his support because something I think a lot of people don't understand, and I don't even fully understand this because I haven't fully been in the situation, is not just about the physical support.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that mental, emotional, um, financial load of like it's all on me, and and that doesn't go away, and you can't delegate that.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like you can give that to a nanny or give that to your mom or or someone in the family who wants to step in.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: That that burden is really heavy.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I can never truly understand that because I haven't fully been in that situation, but the little bit that I have been, it's felt heavy.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so, I mean, it's really about how can we alleviate that pressure?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: How can we make you feel like the world is not on your shoulders?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't fully have to be.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it does.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that um it is about uh delegating as much of that as you can.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: And also with the mental load, I often talk about just get it out of your head.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't have to all be mental, you know, put systems in place, even if whether you're a um whether you are a nuclear family, whether you are a single parent, put systems in place so that all of that stuff is out of your head and it alleviates the burden, whether it's business, whether it's just um, you know, household stuff, life admin, um, get it out of your head and put a system in place so that it can just ease that load.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: And also I think with a single mom, um, just to add into your the discussion a little bit, I think it is about finding someone, you know, if you're building a business as a single parent, as a single mama, or you, you know, you you want that entrepreneurial, you're chasing that entrepreneurial dream, finding a community that will support you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And who gets it?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: So they're on the same pathway, they're on the same journey, um, two, five, ten steps ahead of you.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and they can be the giants that you whose shoulders you stand on.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so funny because I actually work with a lot of single parents, single moms.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not a pattern I really picked up early on.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then a few months ago, I was doing my client list and I was like, wow, I I actually work with so many single moms.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just in awe of the strength, the resilience, the creativity, the tenacity that these women like you all have.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's just so profound.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And how you're able to really take some really challenging situations and like turn something really beautiful from them.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want anyone listening to just know that what is possible for you is everything you dream of for yourself.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I I have a lot of clients who are single parents who came to me like really with nothing, and they've built profitable businesses and they're, you know, feeling excited about their life and they're they're dating who they want.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're no longer feeling that that security pressure.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, they've designed their businesses around schedules that accommodate them with their with their children.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking of one mom that has a quite a young child and uh and the child alternates homes.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so for her, it's very much one week on, one week off in her business.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so there is that flexibility, you know, there's a lot of creativity that can be infused to support the life you want, no matter what your your family system looks like.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, a hundred percent, a hundred percent.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I know from my own personal experience, it's part of the reason why I why I designed the business uh the way I have, similar, you know, we're now week on, week off, we never were, but um, at the moment we're week on, week off with the kids.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I go all in when it's an off week, and that's my creativity time.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and when the kids are here, it's more just you know, the the necessary parts, client work, um, all that stuff.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, the other, the other, I guess bigger, deeper stuff happens when they're not here.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:30
  unknown: Yeah.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so great that we now live in a world where we have access to the online world, and we no longer have someone in a suit behind a desk telling us what our worth is and how much money we can earn, and when we have to work, and what we have to wear, and all of those horrific things.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I wanted to ask you too.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: You just touched on it then about self-worth.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: What do you see with your clients and your community?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: How big a piece is owning our self-worth?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's so it's so, so, so essential.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, a lot of business coaches will say your net worth is related to your self-worth.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't fully agree with that because I think the real worthiness comes from just knowing you're innately worthy and and separating that from your business or anything else in your life.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, not needing your business to validate you, not needing a relationship to validate you, not needing any external things to validate you, just to know who you are is innately perfect and worthy, and you have nothing to prove to anybody.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I I see a huge shift when clients can own that.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: One of my clients yesterday said, I finally realized that I just needed to put my crown on for myself.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was waiting for someone to give me my crown and invite me to the table and tell me I was good enough to sit at the table.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, I finally just put the damn crown on and picked up a seat and sat at the table.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I think it really is as simple and not as simple as that.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've said this story before um to just to my Instagram community briefly.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the park with my daughter, she's four, and she wanted to go down the slide, and they were a bunch of boys monkeying around on the slide, and she just was waiting, you know, just like waiting at the bottom until they were done.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she would have been waiting forever, to be honest, if I wasn't like, uh, girl, go up those steps, get to the top of the slide and go down the slide.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Take up space, you know, like tell the world what you want and have the confidence to take it because no one's going to just give it to you.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: 100, 100%.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm saying that all the time through this conversation.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: And um, taking up space and claiming what is rightfully yours, I guess, is something not I guess, is something I work with my clients on too, like claiming that space for the relationship they want, you know, really going after it, owning it, making no excuse, believing that they're worthy of that relationship, whether it's whether it's recreating or re-energizing their current relationship or calling in something new, just owning it.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no textbook that teaches you that.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and it unfortunately in most countries, societies now, women are not raised that way and haven't been for generations.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a lot of unlearning that we have to do in order to like really initiate taking up space and owning who we are in this world and the gift of what that means.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: And once you do that, the world does respond.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: And your relationship responds, your your career responds.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you're it's almost like they're just waiting for you to say, this is what I want, and nothing's gonna stop me.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that second piece is important too.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing's going to stop me.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I want.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then making that actual actioning that yeah, being really committed to that.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, next question for you.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: I would like to ask you how you see love and relationship now, as opposed to how you saw it as a younger woman.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, I grew up on Disney movies.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, it's so funny.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: I I grew up on Disney movies and Disney love, and very much that damsel in distress gets rescued by Prince Charming and solves all the problems.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is always romantic and loving and wonderful.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I met my husband, I never had butterflies.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I never had that electricity feeling, like ever.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: It always just felt like home.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: It felt safe.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: It felt peaceful.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I literally like broke up with him because of that.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And now, and we can go into that a little bit if you want, but we were about five, I guess, September, October, five months in.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we had said, I love you and everything, and we had a New Year's Eve breakup, which is always a wonderful anniversary.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, it wasn't, it was very brief.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I was working with a coach and I realized that so much of what our society says is love is actually like trauma bonding, and it's our nervous system actually not being safe.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like, we're actually being attracted to the wrong people for the wrong reasons and calling that love.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then yeah, for me, that like love was fireworks and electricity and can't eat, can't breathe, can't sleep, kind of love, you know, that young love thing.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now what love is is oh my god, it's just grace and grace and grace and grace and grace and grace upon grace, you know, like just to have someone who sees you in all the mess and who loves you, like amidst all of it, like who who will forgive you and love you and hold you no matter what consistently is the most incredible gift I've ever received in my life, and it's profoundly superior to any of that nervous system triggering the butterfly thing, you know?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_02: Butterfly bullshit, yeah.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: It it's just it's so much deeper, richer, and honest.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's honest, and it's messy, and I think that no one talks about that.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like real love is messy because we're messy people, right?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a human experience, and so like having a safe container to explore the full spectrum of what it means to be in partnership and and what it means to heal together and separately.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I read this quote about we don't marry someone, we marry their traumas, we marry their, you know, their history and their childhood and all of this stuff, and that certainly is true, and it's not something I think we're looking for in when we're young.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, we're not looking for, and and we don't understand it.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we're not you know, we've touched on it, we're just not taught these things, we're taught to believe in that fairy tale be a story, especially as women, you know, we're taught we're taught to be the damsel in distress and to expect the butterflies, and we're not taught that a good healthy relationship sometimes can if if you're if you're chasing that and that's your trauma and that's your wound, um you know, the the fiery, lovely Disney princess type love, if that's if that's your definition, when you find something that is actually healthy, it can feel a little bit bland or bad.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, flat completely.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because it it feels like home.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: And at home, you've got your head, you know, my hair's in a top knot, and I'm in sweatpants and no makeup, and I'm I'm just myself.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And my relationship literally felt like that from the beginning.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I made that wrong because I was never really taught that that's actually when you are free to be exactly who you are from the beginning, when someone really sees you who you are from the very beginning, that is such an incredible sign of a real relationship and a healthy love.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, I was like, oh, maybe love.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe this is friend zone, you know?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: And like, how do we know the difference then between friend zoning and not having the passion?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do believe passion is a big part of sustaining a relationship.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we make sure there is passion and feel safe?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, that's a big question.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we have to um explore that on an in another episode.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because I wanted to I also wanted to ask you um moving through that that big healthy grown-up love and relationship, what have you found to be the most supportive strategies or tools um to communicate, especially because we've touched on this before recording, so I know, uh especially when your brain works differently from your partner's brain.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yes.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: It very much does, very much does.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would say a big part of it for me was like I would get frustrated early on in our relationship when I felt like he couldn't read my mind or he couldn't like just get it, you know.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like to me, something that was so such common sense, you know, like for example, I should get his written consent after we record this.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just kidding.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for Mother's Day, my first Mother's Day, I was very hormonal.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had awful postpartum depression, and um I was kind of coming on the other side of it, and he didn't do anything for my first Mother's Day because he said he's not my mom.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm not his mom.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, he's like, why should I do something for you?
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like when she's older, she's gonna do it, but she's too young now, so it doesn't mean anything coming from me.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's because we grew up in such different households, but for me, like that is just such common sense, like a no-brainer.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how could you not excuse me?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: That is a no-brainer.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: My brain must work the same as yours because that's a no-brainer, but anyway.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, his friends actually give him shit about it because they're like uh but he didn't he didn't grow up in a nuclear family situation, he was raised by his grandparents, his grandma passed away when he was young, so he's really raised by his grandfather.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he calls it grandpa patience, it's a totally different kind of upbringing because there's that wisdom and that like chill factor that young uppity parents just, you know, we don't have that yet.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: So he was raised with like a super, super, super long leash, and uh and and none of that real like traditional stuff that I was raised with like a completely opposite family, so like very, very codependent, like everyone in each other's business, like big fat South African family vibes, and traditions mattered.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, how could you not get me something from Mother's Day?
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I would let my emotions kind of like take over, and it would be an emotional response, like crying and sad and frustrated and angry.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned that like the second I would lead with that, he would kind of shut down because now he feels blamed, right?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even though, yeah, I am blaming you, right?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_02: It is your fault.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's the fast way to shut down any kind of reciprocity in a conversation.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I've learned is conversations from like a really cool, calm place.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: And he said he taught me this, which is so true.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, always give me the benefit of the doubt, like always give your partner the benefit of the doubt and assume the best and and come from that place until they prove you wrong, because that's going to really take a lot of that armor away.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it really shifted things for me dramatically in in terms of when I'm frustrated or whatever.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I always give him the benefit of the doubt, I assume the best, and I lead with that, and then it allows for a conversation where we each can take responsibility for what didn't work in any situation.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: And did he follow through in the second Mother's Day?
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely right after I was still like the day after Mother's Day, he got me a big, a big thing, and he's never messed up since.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: And again, that's all about communication and expectation, you know.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: And as you said, it's it's bringing two different stories for two different family of origin stories together into that messy middle that is a relationship, and then expecting it to miraculously just work.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't, and we have different love languages.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: That was one of the books that really changed things for me because I'm a big gift giver.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: So to show him love, I would get him gifts, and it's his lowest love language.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: So for him, it's all acts of service, and you know, I just could never understand why he wouldn't get me gifts and why when I got him gifts, like they didn't really land.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we really started speaking each other's language, that was a really beautiful turning point in terms of I think that's when we both grew up and realized there is that sweet spot where you do compromise things about yourself for your person to make them feel seen, heard, loved, and and we stopped being super selfish in our in our ways.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: Motherhood.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: How did it shift, impact, change your relationship?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: And how have you navigated that and nurtured your nurtured your relationship while you juggle motherhood and your business and I guess bees flying fly out kind of lifestyle?
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: Which you touched on earlier, but you know, I'm really interested in that.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we can go deeper.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember I don't know, like there's something about, and I really don't mean this in a disrespectful way at all, but there was something about having a child that made me feel married in a different way.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like now this person is part of my life forever, no matter what.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like we're always going to have to be in each other's life.
• 32:51
  unknown: Yeah.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I talk about that with my clients.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Even if they're separating, divorcing, if they've got children, they're bound together.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're still a family.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: So you're still gonna have to have a relationship, even if that, even if that relationship isn't an intimate partner relationship anymore.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: You've still got a relationship.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: And there's something like, no, there was just something about that that like really deepened things for us, where it was like we're family forever now, and it was really beautiful and liberating.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And also at the same time, I think you start having conversations that maybe never came up earlier in your relationship because there's something that happens when you go to the same situation with the person you love most in the whole world, your child, and you see it from different angles, and you've got different values in that situation.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: And now the stakes feel higher, right?
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's like like you're coming at it from black, I'm coming at it from white, and we both have huge stakes in this outcome.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we're learning things about each other and ourselves, I think, that we didn't even know existed because a lot of the things that were just so normalized for me, I didn't even realize were not normal because I'd never been in a situation with someone where I'd been exposed to a different way of being or doing or seeing the world.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: So for us, it was a really awesome growth, like a beautiful expansion because we started to understand each other totally differently.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because as I said, we've come from such different, different, different upbringings.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like my parents were very hands-on, you know, I had a crazy curfew.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was never allowed to wear makeup, I wasn't allowed to dye my hair.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was quite militaristic, and um, I was a little bit rebellious.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: And and then Brendan was who's my husband, he was in a totally like free-for-all, no rules, no boundaries.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: But who he is is just like so disciplined within himself that he didn't need that in order to be who he is in the world and you know, to have the morals he has in the world.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to parenting, a part of me when I'm looking at a situation, my knee-jerk from my childhood is like, I kind of need to control this, I need to install big boundaries, I need to be on top of it.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: And his is like, we need to give her space and let her explore and let her figure it out on her on herself.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then if we really have to step in, we'll step in.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I I've actually we haven't compromised on this, I've gone to his side on this.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I I see the value, and I think it is child based on the child, and now understanding my child, seeing that that is actually how she thrives.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, he's taught me a lot because a lot of things were very normal for me that I'm like now, like, wow.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you a child, a child learns by what they live, and you know, you guess your child's learning a different story to what you were taught, um, to what I was taught.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, you've you've learned and that becomes you normal, and then you take that into a relationship.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's really interesting.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: And and it doesn't have to be trauma or bad thing, it's just the way you were taught to relate to other humans, the way you're taught to be in relationship.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the way you're taught to parent, because you learn by being parented.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and it's like the little things, you know, like my mom was always really food conscious.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we always had a really beautifully cooked meal every single night, and it was always nutritiously balanced.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, when he wants to give my daughter McDonald's, I'm like, whoa.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for him, it's like normal because he had that, you know, whenever he played hockey a lot and he would have it, and he's like, I turned out fine.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, no, no, no, no.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's have some fish and corn, please.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's all the little, little, little things.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, as I said, the stakes just feel higher in conversations around a child, and you learn about because there's conversations we've had to have that we never even thought to have before we got married because they never came up.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was never in a situation where I had to talk about any childhood real stuff in relation to how I view the world or how I want to raise my family.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, it all comes to the surface.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's really interesting.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was speaking with someone just yesterday about the fact that I think we need to have some of those conversations before we get married, before we choose to have a child.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because for so many couples, so many of my clients, having a child is the trigger that actually breaks things down because of all those stories we're bringing in, because of all those childhood wounds and traumas and inabilities to connect and relate and to find the gray between the black and the white.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: So these are conversations that I think are really important to have earlier.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um sorry, encourage our children and our next generation to do it.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: But also if you if you're stepping into a new relationship, regardless of whether you're going to have children or you've got you've both got children, stepping into a new relationship, have these kinds of conversations, the bigger picture conversations that are triggered when you have a child and the stakes are really high.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that can be around parenting, co-parenting, it can be around money.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's another big one that comes up.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, have these big conversations before you actually buy in fully to the relationship.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds terrible, but it's just like No, it's not.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's the wisdom, it's the wisdom of people who have been there who tell us this now because you know, for me, like we had conversations around share, and we have really, really, really almost identical values, and I think that's the glue, yeah, no matter what.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: And and so we did have conversations, you know, sort of around are we gonna raise her religiously?
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: We broke, we both grew up Catholic, and so you know, we have different experiences within that.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's like, are we gonna integrate religion?
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are we going there were some big things, what traditions are we gonna do?
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and we did have the conversation early on before we got married, if we were ever to get married and split up, um, what that would look like.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and we did have those conversations because I I read somewhere before I got married that divorce should always be an option.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a family that was like, you're never like once you're married, you're always married, you're never allowed to get divorced, right?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: So type of story.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I read that, I was so triggered by it.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when I really understood it, I really resonated with it because the principle is that you should always choose into your relationship and you should always have the freedom to choose into what is serving and honoring you and what is healthy for you and your family.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so for for us before we got married, that was a conversation we had is this always needs to add to both of our lives and always needs to be the best thing for our children.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: And um, if at any point it isn't, you know, what would our what would we do and how would that look?
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so we did have those conversations for sure.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and I think it's interesting because this motherhood has really been about me like raising myself because I have had my own shit come up, you know, and your partnership is a reflection, like it's a mirror back to you.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so blessed to have the most incredible partner, like he really is just he is my earth angel, and he's eight and a half years older than me, too.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: So he does have this more life experience thing more grandpa, more grandpa weason.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_01: He's got eight and a half grandpa.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, exactly.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: He does definitely bring that energy, and he's given me the space within our partnership to heal a lot of that, and I think that has been a gift of our relationship, is oh my god, it's just the most beautiful container for inner expansion and healing and and being held within that.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's a different level of personal independent growth that I didn't expect would be possible or required in order to perpetuate the loving relationship that we have.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you gotta do your own work, you know, always.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we both do our own work always, because you can't control the other person in a relationship, and you you can't dictate what they do, you can only be responsible for yourself.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're both responsible for your own shit, that's where the magic is.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, and I think that is, I'm not gonna add anything, I'm not gonna comment because I think you've just totally nailed it, and I think it's also a really beautiful, beautiful way or spot place to um tie up our conversation.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: But in doing so, I'm gonna ask you the question that I ask all of my podcast guests, and that is if you could choose one song to support or encourage um uplift women who are maybe feeling challenged in their relationship or wanting more, wanting that beautiful container that you just described, what would your song be?
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it would be Alicia Keys, Superwoman.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_01: Just amazing.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: I just got goosebumps.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um Robin Gooding, I fucking love you.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so, so much for being a guest on my podcast and sharing your wisdom, sprinkling your magic.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you so much for having me.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Such an honour to be here.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_01: That was the amazing and beautiful soul who is Robin Gooding.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can find Robin on Instagram at robin.gooding.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: Her website is www.robingooding.com.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: And you can catch her own podcast, which is amazing, all about systems, strategy, and soulful business.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_01: It is called The Profitable Way, and I will drop all of those links into the show notes.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_01: I just got so absorbed and involved and excited by the conversation that I totally forgot to ask Robin to share how you can connect with her.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll make sure all the links are in the show notes and encourage you that um to reach out if you are looking to build or expand your business.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_01: She is an amazing, as you can hear from our conversation, she is an amazing business coach, yes, but also super, super, super soulful human.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for sharing this time with both Robin and I.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_01: Until then.