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Rebuilding Trust After It's Been Damaged · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why is love so easy to start but so hard to get right?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Situationships, mixitnos, overthinking texts.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're talking about all of it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Mark Sann, your host, and welcome to the Relationship Coaching Group podcast, where we stop guessing, start understanding, and figure out what actually works in today's relationships.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: No fluff, real talk, real tips, real conversations to help you, real conversations to communicate better and figure out love together.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna introduce you to the professor, our co-host.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, professor.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hello there.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: How are you doing today?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing wonderfully well, thank you.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, awesome.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: So uh before we our last episode uh was about taking a break.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And we have some results, so I just wanted to follow up, but they're coming in.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is yeah, this was a uh a big thing.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: We had a lot of people sending, so we're still getting it in.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I just want to let people know they're still coming in.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's getting mixed too.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: It is kind of mixed.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was actually very surprised.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is kind of mixed, but um I'm I'm not gonna put it out there yet.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I could be right, yeah.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: But but we're gonna wait until we get the final and then we'll let people know.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what we asked our listeners to to do was to state their opinion who uh takes who causes breaks in the relationships men or the women.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: And do taking a break actually work?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: So um, or if they've taken a break themselves and it worked.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, and if you if you're listening now, you you can join in, join in the debate, uh, whether, as I said, whether it's the man or the woman that causes the break.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And do do breaks in relationships really work?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's all.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to let our listeners know where we're at with that.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's still flooding in.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: So interesting conversation.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're we're definitely gonna be um coming back to this.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Great, great.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for bringing it up.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And uh let's roll that guy.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, to today's topic is how do we rebuild trust after it's been damaged?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, trust can be damaged in many ways, not just through infidelity, but also through dishonesty, broken promises, emotional distance, secrecy, financial deception, or repeated disappointments.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not just talking about one way a relationship to be damaged.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many ways.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think, professor?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think you've got some great uh liners there.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Let let's hit the first one you said.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now to I I I have a question.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is it possible to fully trust again after they've hurt you?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And what does rebuilding trust actually look like in real life?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have any I really think it depends on what occurred to break the trust?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you took too much out of the bank account as opposed to if you uh caught cheating, those are just two different ends of the spectrum.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I think we need to address each one of those, you know, those few things that you had mentioned.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: So let's break it down.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I did mention financial deception, dishonesty.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well let's let's start with financial deception.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, uh we're going to look deeper into if you don't mind, Professor, we're gonna look uh into what trust looks like.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because trust is the foundation of emotional safety, and it means believing that someone's words and actions align.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, to break it down, what they say is what they do.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Trust is, you know, we talk about communication, communication, more communication, but trust has to be there right along with it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that when you're in a in a in a uh a a boat and it's going down, are you gonna jump into the lifeboat first or are you gonna let your your partner go into lifeboat?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that trust.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Do you trust me to save you and vice versa?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna be there to protect me?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do you do you trust me to have your own?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Do you trust me to have yes, all those things?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna trust that person to you know keep money putting money in the bank account?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Do all those things, trust is a big thing.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: That that's why I'm bringing up these these little headliners of of trust.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is just a small snippet of some of the and trust isn't built overnight, it develops through consistency over time.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And what many people don't realize is that trust is built in small moments, not grand gestures.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I've heard that trust has to be earned, and I uh trust has to be given, you know?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: And if you give trust, the other person should be giving trust.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: But when then that trust is broken, that's when that bucket of trust that you gave over starts dwindling down.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: So um you could there's only so much that you can do when someone breaks that trust and they keep breaking that trust.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because trust trust us.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have to say that trust us when we say trust is everything in a relationship.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't trust your partner, you have nothing.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do you trust your partner?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: 100 and 1,000 percent.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And and that's because you guys communicate.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: You guys relay what's going on, you you trust each other.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: You don't, you know, you wouldn't take a thousand dollars out of the bank account and not tell your husband, would you?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um I might.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, give me the phone.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm calling him right now.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm I I might.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: If I see him a ballroom dress that we're attending, yeah.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, no, no, we always communicate, especially uh on large, large things and big big things.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You have to everything.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and you gotta have the trust to go along with that communication.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to have communication to go along with that trust.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because okay, here's a little tidbit for our listeners.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, trust is often lost quickly, but rebuild how?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it it takes a while.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can you can dismantle trust in in a heartbeat.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And you start trusting again, and the slightest little thing that happens goes right back to another empty bucket of trust.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're rebuilding that trust and you're trying to get that person to trust you again, the slightest little mistake you make is now amplified.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, definitely.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's why uh I I like the you know this comment before is that uh that tr the trust is is the foundation.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's easy to lose it.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to lose it, but it takes a while to gain it back, just with just what you're saying.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course, the the little tidbit that I I used earlier is your words and actions have to align.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: What you say should be what you do.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of what what what you're saying.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're you can't say unless you mean this, you have to act it.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you say this, you have to do it.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just speak words, empty words, empty promises, and that doesn't come to fruition.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know that that's why you've heard us say people throw around the word love so much, but you really don't know what love is until you've been in a relationship where there's trust, there's communication, there's uh um dedication from each other, all those things coming together, and you have this foundation that is solid.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what's so sad, Professor?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: What's sad in especially especially, especially, especially today's society, a lot of young people don't have role models.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: To to see what trust looks like in their homes with their parents, with their grandparents, or but family members.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have that role model because it's broken so easily.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh here's one of the I I know we're gonna look off topic here, but there's an example of role models.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: One of the shows I I despise and I think should be taken off, and that is The Bachelor Bachelorette.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh I think that is the most violent show.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Here you are kissing up and loving up all these different women and acting.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: It it's not real.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: How is that setting the example for anyone?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: What type of show is that?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think to me that uh I uh you can take that off the air.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not missing nothing.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Listeners, he he's he has a really bad taste with that show, as you can tell.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I that's to me it how and young people love watching that.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I watched The Bachelorite, oh my gosh, you're so pretty.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And trust me, you take off that makeup, yeah, it ain't what what you saw.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh then again, it really doesn't show any type of trust because they're going from person to person, so that that's not a good no model for there's too many of those things.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you know the social media and TV and all that stuff is is contributed to the failure of relationships.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Professor, let's look at ways that trust can be damaged.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: In Fidelity or emotional affairs.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I say emotional affairs in f and correlating it with infidelity, uh there's a fine line because with emotional affairs, you're not really engaging physically.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Infidelity infidelity there is physical contact in in most cases.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: But emotional affairs can take place with someone over the phone, over the internet.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, where you're pouring out your emotions to someone else and you're in a relationship, that's that's damaging.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't have to be in contact.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: It like you say, it can be over the phone, over the internet, or wherever it is.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're creating a an emotional attachment to somebody else.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Which separates you from your partner, so therefore you're having an affair.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And lying, even about the smallest thing.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, people will lie.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you you you didn't put the money in the account for the gas bill, and you lie about it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that little lie, eventually, with all the other lies on top, turns on to distrust.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, defin definitely, definitely.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And and we know uh, you know, we have we have clients who uh they're losing their condo, they're losing their home because one partner is responsible and they took the the money for the rent or the the mortgage to the casino.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or to buy that duck bag or whatever.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Burke.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what's the uh the their birken bag?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, whatever it is.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then keeping secrets.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in a relationship, then there should be no secrets.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's open dialogue.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's we keep saying communication.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: The only time that you're not sharing and being honest, and that is if you're buying a Christmas gift or a birthday gift or whatever your partner and it's a secret, at the same time you should be hiding anything.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: But other than other than that, um you storing money away or buying a large item and not communicating about it.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we we've talked about that in in one of our financial episodes.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: You you have to communicate and be honest about financial things.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because the mouth of arguments that is caused by financial, and a lot of times it starts off small.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Small deception grows and keeps growing.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then with that deception, you know, well, where's the money going?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you giving the money to?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: What woman do you it grows?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a can't, it just keeps growing.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Just be honest.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't put the money in the account.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Say, listen, I messed up, I didn't put the money.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right, exactly.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to be honest with your partner.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then what uh repeated broken promises.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh And we're not talking about the, you know, I forgot to cut the grass.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about promises of, you know, communicating or promises of, you know, that you're going to do better, you know, show up.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be there to deliver in the relationship.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: All those promises that you're gonna do to make things better, though that just those starting off like that.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I um I have a um client back in the day that they wanted to one partner wanted their partner to stop drinking.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the other partner vowed promises after promises that they were gonna stop, and of course, they would hide it.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: So and then they would get caught and they'd promise again, and they'd get caught again.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, broken pri now.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: How how can you trust someone like that?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you keep breaking your promise.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: You promise to do something, and that's serious.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because they wanted their partner to be healthy and couldn't do it.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not just that, it puts a strain on on the relationship financially.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Trust.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Being present, because if you're drunk, you're not present.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: And failing to support your partner during difficult times.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know you have a client who's trying to get their their doctorate.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the support from the partner, is it there?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: They they are so I have to word this right because I'm they're still in session.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: So and I um I want to make sure there's no names or anything.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: But one partner is trying to um get the doctorate and bring so that they can bring up their level of education to bring in more money.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: The other partner already has theirs and they're not supporting and the other partner had supported them to get where they and it's not being reciprocated.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's being reciprocated.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's and so that is causing a lot of tension.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then we we know couples who've been through a loss a loss of a close loved one.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the other part the partner says, get over it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Get over it.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's n you have to support no matter what your partner's going through, you have to be supportive.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because it doesn't matter whether it's of your bestest friend in the whole wild world or your sister or your your grandmother or whoever.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, give for example, we just learned that someone we know, um they were involved in a restaurant just locally down the street.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: And uh we found that that he had passed away.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: The nicest guy, really nice guy.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't he just was an amazing guy.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: And we learned that he had passed away.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Came out of a shower and just killed over.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so even for us, we didn't know him like a best friend or anything, but we knew him enough that it it rocked us a bit.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, it it's it's shocking.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: So having somebody there because the owner is distraught, she's she's he's doesn't know what to do.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to have that level of compassion and and be able to support each other.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, we've offered our support and everything to help, but it just shows you that you have that if you're someone's passed away, it takes time.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that time could be a month, two months, or is a year.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can't say get over it.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have you have to support your your partner.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Loss is a big thing.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: You have suffered losses in your family.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's yeah, it's it's big, it's it's over.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's huge.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have uh another another way that trust is damaged is emotional unavailability unavailability.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're emotional available to someone else, then your partner's gonna suffer because your your your emotional availability is not towards your partner, it's towards someone else.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: Not even someone else.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: As we mentioned before.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and not and not even just in someone else.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: Your emotional availability is you've tied it up in work or in yourself, or you really just don't give a hoot.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or yeah, or you don't think about your partner needing you.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're so wound up with other things.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you know, maybe uh uh emotional availability has to be there in a relationship.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, definitely.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I gotta say this is you know, unfortunately, some ladies will say, I, you know, he's not emotionally available.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: But it depends on what you you look at as what is emotional availability.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, are you looking for a guy to sit on the couch with you and cry?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's you're looking for someone who's going to be there to take time with you.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to give you time, give you an ear to yeah, and and just just be there.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just be there.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're the one who broke the trust, you must take full responsibility.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how you do it.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Avoid excuses and don't be so defensive.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Being accountable matters.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh a cis a sincere apology includes changed behavior.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can't apologize and not change.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can't apologize and say, Oh, I'm so sorry, or I'll do better as you were saying earlier, or I'll I'll stop drinking, and nothing changes.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the problem how many times are you gonna apologize?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, because that apology becomes empty.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Right, and that's what damage the trust.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're absolutely right.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's like, you know, you keep saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm gonna do it again, I'm sorry.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: That erodes the trust.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And and we're we're taught we're trying to help you guys to know how this trust thing works and how to build it rather than tear it down.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's another tidbit apologies start healing, but consistency rebuilds the trust.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're consistent with your actions, consistent with your words, consistent with your promises, that's what's going to build the trust.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: And you can't do it for a month.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: You have to keep doing it for a long time.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: They have to see the change in you.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: And just because you've done it for a week and then you say, Well, I've been doing a week is nothing.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if The trust was that you uh infidelity, you cheated.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: That trust is like in the dirt.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that's we said you're not gonna fix it in a week.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's said that's if either you and get another chance.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:13
  unknown: Right.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we said.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: But building trust back up, it takes time.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're the one who's been hurt by a broken trust, keep this in mind.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: We just said this healing takes time.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to ask questions.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask it, you should be able to ask any question you need.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Where were you last week?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Who were you with?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: What did you what did you guys do?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever questions, and they should be reciprocal with their answers to to give you comfort, to give you peace, to give you real answers.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean to cut you.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, sure.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: But one of the things that people have to understand, especially if you're the person that broke the trust, you can't come back and say, Oh, I haven't done anything in a month.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta get over it.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you gotta forgive me.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Trust, when you've broken trust in a major way, it can take years.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: It could take time, and you have to kind of watch for these, for these changes.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's okay to need reassurance.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now remember, to heal and trust again, you have to be willing to take down your guard at your own pace.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be rushed like like Professor was saying, get over it.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, it it's going to take time.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: If they want you that badly and they're willing to um they're willing to wait until you can trust them again.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: It takes time.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: It takes it takes time.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you've when you've emptied, and you'll hear me use this term a bucket of trust, because once you've started emptying that bucket of trust, and then when it becomes empty, filling that bucket up feels like an eternity.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yes.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's some ways to rebuild trust.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to talk about the hurt without attacking.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, if you're if you're asking questions about maybe an let's let's just say your partner had an affair, you should be able to, as we said before, ask questions.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they shouldn't attack you.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: They shouldn't say, uh, it was nothing.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was nothing.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just, you know, just let's just get past this.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get past this.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have to you need to get over it.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: You should you should be able to talk about it without without uh if you want the trust back, you should be able to talk about it without without attacking your partner.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: And because you know what that attacking is, you that's trying to put it on them and make it seem like it's their fault.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the next listen without becoming defensive.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: You and the offender should understand the impact of the betrayal.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if trust was broken, something big happened.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Something huge happened.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: So they need to understand the impact, how they hurt their partner, how their partner is hurting.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if that partner is willing to give them another chance, then really they owe that partner big time.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Big time with listening, big time with understanding, big time with being patient until that their partner can overcome the distrust that that happened in the relationship, right?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when that trust has been broken, if you decide that you want to work it out, you can't base it on I love him or I love her.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: It has to be based off of is it worth it?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: What's happened in the past.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to evaluate it after that.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, definitely.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because if this is a perpetual offender, then think about it.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, then this is where you're gonna say, sorry.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, you call me up, I'll send you a pair of shoes so you can run.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's a that's a good one.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because you you can't keep doing the same thing over and over again.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right, exactly.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because what do they call that?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Madness.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: So if you keep letting that person keep repeating the same offense, hello.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, then yeah, you may want to reconsider if it keeps happening over, if the same offense happens over and over, yeah, then I was just uh watching um what's the uh divorce court, and they were this guy re repeat offender, and she said, but you know, I love him, and and they tried to work it out, and then once she got the lie detector back and and found out that this is he's had many other women, she stormed out, she walked out, she was done.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: It took that after all the red flags, right?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: You s you had to come for a lie detector?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a time where she actually caught him.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we you know the same show.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yes, I saw that one.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to be respectful of each other's emotions.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you're if you you're the one that hurt your partner with trust issues and are and dam trust trust damaged issues, and your partner's crying, your partner uh is needs some space, then you you have to understand.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be respectful of those emotions that may come out of your partner.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and the partner may have may have to look at emotions that may come from the offending partner.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they may be really, really sorry and boohooing and what have you.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to kind of understand and and you can kind of see if those tears are real tears or what they say down south, crocodile tears.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think crocodiles cry.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: Unless it's on my plate.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's how to move forward to rebuild trust.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Did you want to say something?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, because okay, you have to discuss what needs to change to move forward.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, again, communication.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: You have to communicate.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna allow the offender back in your space, then both of you need to discuss what needs to change to move forward.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to talk about what behaviors are no longer acceptable.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: I will not accept cheating, I will not accept lying, I will not accept you ghosting me for a week.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: You have to let them know what behaviors will you will not tolerate and stand on it.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and you have to speak it.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and don't be weak in when you're speaking it.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: You have to speak it with clarity, yes, and with purpose.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and we're giving you ways to move forward to rebuild this trust.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: So take notes.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: And another way is to um agree on the boundaries to be set.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy boundaries help prevent future trust violations.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to have boundaries and you have to set them because that's that's the only way that and and agree upon them.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that means if you finish work at 6 o'clock, 6 30, your ass better be home.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because remember, healthy boundaries help prevent future trust violations.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: So again, that has to be agreed upon.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you have to do a contract, that's okay.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing's wrong with that.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: We had clients where we made a contract.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here are some signs where trust cannot be rebuilt.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, let me hear it.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Signs that trust cannot be rebuilt.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: You ready?
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: What we just said, there's repeated betrayals.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat offenders.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat offenders.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I like that.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: The betrayer takes no accountability.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why were you gone a week and I couldn't reach you?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your your your phone would just go to the email.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, is that a cousin?
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And um that was it.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so is that a cousin?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Cousins, yeah, poor cousins.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: They they always get they always get the the the blame.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um not taking any accountability of the trust that was broken, then if that's happening, you know where it's gonna go.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's I don't think it could go any further.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: If they do not take accountability of breaking that trust, then you may look need to look really close that door and rush.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you're gonna send you're gonna send them shoes.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: So and here's another the betrayer refuses to change, they've they refuse to change their offensive, harmful, or unacceptable behavior or actions.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they're not gonna change.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if they broke the trust, oh oh well.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's just oh well.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're gonna take them as they are, flawed, liars, betrayers, then good luck.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's your sign.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's that's not gonna be a healthy relationship.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: We j we're just here to to share that's that will not be healthy.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: And and the sad part is too many, and just not just women, but men too, they put up with this nonsense for way too long.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Trust is sacred.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: That if you want a healthy relationship, again, trust is the key factor.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, I have another tidbit.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: You want to hear the tidbit?
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, give me, give me, give me.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here tidbit time.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the healthiest outcome is not rebuilding the relationship, but learning from it and moving on.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or as you would say, running on.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Put them shoes on when you run.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so some sometimes if you can't rebuild, you gotta move on.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you've shoveled and you bury it because Yeah.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bury what?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: The real not the person.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm about you you scared me there.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: The relationship.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know it is it is so hard for people to sometimes to let go.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because they feel like they've invested a lot of time, especially if you've been in a rel people look at a really I've been I've been with them for three years, five years, and it yeah, I've I've invested so much time.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, if the investment isn't paying off, take your money out of the bank.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: And run.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you're invested in stocks and your stocks is suck, or you bought Bitcoin and it sucks, you're gonna leave your money in and say, well, it's gonna work.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you your investment in the bank and it's draining, it's pulling money uh out of your investment because it's it's not good.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: It it's it's uh why keep it in there?
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you see your money going down, you're gonna just keep let you gonna let let them take all your money?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, you got there's comes a time where you have to take your losses.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: A good relationship is like a good investment.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're investing in each other, you trust each other, exactly.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_01: You build together, you create together, and with that, that's a relationship.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and if you're not doing all that, put them shoes on and run.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Call me one-800 shoes.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if the behavioral action was so outrageous, downright despicable, again, maybe it's time to move on.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not even given another chance.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was if it was downright despicable, where you catch your partner, as we saw uh um some time ago on the on the show, saw the partner in bed with a person, and what did what did the um partner the the not not the offender, but the one that was uh It was her it was her friend.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and she gave him another chance.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: She gave him another chance you see it right before your eyes.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: To me, that's despicable.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: To me, there's no coming back from that.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, that that's it.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have more pride in yourself.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are more worthy in their own bed.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are you are now that's downright despicable.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: And m in my opinion, there's just no coming back from that.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: It it's because you have to value yourself.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, if you it's same, if you're in a relationship and you've got your nice savings account, you guys are doing well, and that person cleans the bank account because they want to go gamble.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Professor, I have uh questions for our listeners, and they can com they can put it in the comment section or go on our website and and give us some feedback.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: Has someone ever rebuilt your trust successfully?
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, what actions helped restore it?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: So let us know in the com comments, and I'm gonna ask it again.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: Has someone ever rebuilt your trust successfully?
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, what actions help restore it?
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: So let us know.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell you my answer.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: My trust was never restored.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_01: I will I'm very much like that.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: I walked in on Oh, okay.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I've told you.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's I've I that has happened to me, and I that and that trust was never I didn't want to entertain it.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was done, I was finished, I moved on.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: I put my shoes on, I put a pair of wings on and a rocket, and I took off.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now keep this in mind.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: Trust isn't rebuilt through promises, it's rebuilt through patterns.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Every honest conversation, every kept commitment, and every consistent action lays another brick towards the foundation of that relationship.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, while trust can be damaged in a split second, earning it back may take consistent communication, transparency, and daily choices.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this is important.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: Observing with eyes wide open.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: You have to see changes, you have to hear changes, you have to talk about the changes, uh, because it it does take some time to gain trust back.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, trust is rebuilt the same way a brick wall is built.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: One brick at a time.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: One brick at a time.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: The challenge is that while one bad decision can knock a hole in the wall, rebuilding it will take a lot of effort, and it will take a longer time to uh to build it than it did breaking it.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to fill a hole in the wall is a lot harder than building the wall.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can bust a hole in it in a split second, but rebuilding that, whoo, it yeah, it it takes a long time.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: So just remember, trust is not instant.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna allow someone to redeem themselves, it's gonna take some time.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: So just be be patient.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, you have any any last words?
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: Big thanks to our listeners.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: We love you guys.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: Love each other, be kind to each other.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, communicate and be honest with each other.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we want to thank each and every one of you for being here, and we thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, download, and share it with someone who may benefit from this podcast.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationshipcoaching group.com where you can email us if you have any questions or comments or want to learn about the services we offer.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, take care of yourselves and remember, healthy relationships are not built on fear or control, but from a place of understanding, trust, respect, and intentional choices.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: And know this you're not alone.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: Together, we got this.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_00: We got this.