Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / Mom needs a moment! How to pause parental rage

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Mom needs a moment! How to pause parental rage · Silver FM 100.6

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Speaker 2: I saw this meme the other day.
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Speaker 3: It was basically a video a song that a guy
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Speaker 3: wrote about how he thought he knew what tired was
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Speaker 3: and then he had kids. Does that resonate.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, in fact, I am so tired. I don't have
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Speaker 4: a good response to that. We had another really hard
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Speaker 4: night last night. Ted woke up. He was screaming, I
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Speaker 4: love you mom, like he just wanted cuddles, but he
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Speaker 4: wanted them at one in the morning, and two in
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Speaker 4: the morning and three in the morning. Like it's a lot.
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Speaker 4: Being a parent is just a lot, always all the time.
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Speaker 4: It just detects all of your senses and all of
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Speaker 4: your resources.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I hear this from every parent. I know,
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Speaker 3: You're not alone.
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Speaker 4: Very true. You know, the surgeon General actually declared parental
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Speaker 4: stress and epidemic in twenty twenty four. Parents are spending
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Speaker 4: more time working and more time taking care of their
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Speaker 4: kids than they used to in decades past, which means
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Speaker 4: there's very little time left for ourselves, you know, to
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Speaker 4: recover when you have those long nights with a very
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Speaker 4: very little sleep. I want to introduce you to Cassidy Fratus.
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Speaker 4: She's a psychologist I talk.
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Speaker 2: To in moments when I feel triggered and disregulated by
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Speaker 2: my child's melt down, by the millionth snack request. What
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Speaker 2: I'm desperate for actually is just just wait. Just give
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Speaker 2: me some space, Just give me a moment.
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Speaker 3: You're listening to Life Kit. I'm maryel Sagata, and I'm
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Speaker 3: talking with Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle. She interviewed Cassidy
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Speaker 3: about her new book, Mom Needs a Moment, How to
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Speaker 3: stop your reaction before it starts and become a calmer, happier,
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Speaker 3: more connected parent, which sounds very much needed. I have
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Speaker 3: to ask you, though, is this advice just for moms
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Speaker 3: like I know a lot of dads who are overwhelmed too.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, good question, definitely. Not To be clear, Cassie and
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Speaker 4: I talked a lot about our own experiences as moms,
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Speaker 4: you know, dealing with things like anger or I'll be honest,
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Speaker 4: you know, straight up maternal rage and overwhelm and anxiety
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Speaker 4: in those day to day parenting moments. But she says
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Speaker 4: every parent, every caregiver, even parents to be, can benefit
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Speaker 4: from taking a moment or finding magic in the margins.
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Speaker 2: As she likes to say, if I am a rested
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Speaker 2: mom that's resourced and regulated and has more capacity and
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Speaker 2: knowing that that's just as important for my kids, I'm
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Speaker 2: going to protect that well.
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Speaker 3: On this episode of Life Kit, Andy talks to Cassie
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Speaker 3: about how to deal with those moments of overwhelm.
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Speaker 2: As a parent, how to give yourself permission.
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Speaker 3: To rest, recover and feel what you feel, and also
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Speaker 3: how to model the same for your kids.
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Speaker 5: Hey, you know that nagging voice in your head, the
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Speaker 5: one telling you to put the phone down and stop
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Speaker 6: on the MPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Speaker 7: Okay, so you're driving to work, or you're on a walk,
4:06
Speaker 7: or you're at the gym or whatever, and you just
4:08
Speaker 7: need to clear your head. That's the perfect time to
4:11
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Speaker 4: So you're feeling worked up, got a short view at work,
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Speaker 4: feeling triggered at home by those dirty dishes in the sink,
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Speaker 4: or by your kid just doing that one thing she does.
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Speaker 4: Cassidy has a great exercise for you pretend you have
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Speaker 4: a magical calendar. It doesn't just track appointments or events.
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Speaker 4: It accounts for everything that occupies your time.
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Speaker 2: Not just the appointments and activities, but the mental tallying
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Speaker 2: of what does my child need for camp today? Like
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Speaker 2: who is picking up who? And if I was to
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Speaker 2: ask you in any of that, is there actually just
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Speaker 2: a margin of empty space where your brain gets to
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Speaker 2: do what it's desperate for, which is integrate all of
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Speaker 2: the experiences and things that have come at you. And
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Speaker 2: a lot of parents will say, uh, yeah, not a
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Speaker 2: lot of margin there, especially in our modern day lives
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Speaker 2: where we are trying to fill up everything and optimize everything.
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Speaker 4: When I was doing this exercise in my head, I
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Speaker 4: realized that like when there is a margin, like when
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Speaker 4: there is a little bit of space, my brain will
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Speaker 4: give me like three minutes max. Before I'm like, what
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Speaker 4: are you doing? Why are you just sitting there? You
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Speaker 4: don't just sit there, We have things to do.
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Speaker 2: I think that this is something that so many moms
5:46
Speaker 2: parents can relate to. And I don't think that that
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Speaker 2: voice just started in adulthood. I think that these voices
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Speaker 2: that pop up at some point there was a reason
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Speaker 2: that that of you felt like it needed to optimize
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Speaker 2: or define productivity in this way. And this voice is strong.
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Speaker 2: It takes the wheel and it makes decisions, and it
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Speaker 2: pushes us to be reactive in certain ways, and it's
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Speaker 2: robbing us of our presence, of our rest of our capacity.
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Speaker 2: And so maybe we can get to know this part
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Speaker 2: of us a little bit more. Then when that voice
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Speaker 2: pops up saying, hey, this isn't productive, you might be
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Speaker 2: able to respond to that part of yourself with a ugh.
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Speaker 2: It makes so much sense that that would pop up
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Speaker 2: right now, And actually this is productive because my brain
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Speaker 2: needs space to process, needs space to recalibrate, to resource
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Speaker 2: to regulate. My nervous system needs not everything to be
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Speaker 2: so urgent all the time. And when my kid is
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Speaker 2: melting down because that's what kids do, I might be
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Speaker 2: able to show up in a more aligned way. And
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Speaker 2: I also had this space figure out how do I
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Speaker 2: want to respond here? Because you know what's so funny
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Speaker 2: with that magical calendar, there is one space where our
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Speaker 2: phones don't oftentimes enter, and we don't have a lot
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Speaker 2: of input coming in from the world around us, and
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Speaker 2: it's the shower, right, And I don't think a shower
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Speaker 2: is enough, Like, come on, how many times have you
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Speaker 2: been in the shower and all of a sudden you
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Speaker 2: have an idea, Like the most creative ideas pop up
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Speaker 2: when we're in the shower. Shower thoughts exactly, Yeah, And
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Speaker 2: there is a reason. It's a protected margin of space.
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Speaker 2: My brain gets a chance to just be and wander.
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Speaker 2: But if you go and you're standing in line to
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Speaker 2: get your coffee and you're what's the first thing we're doing.
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Speaker 2: We're pulling out our phones, we're checking our emails, we're scrolling,
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Speaker 2: and it is so it feels awkward actually to just.
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Speaker 4: Be so take away one build in margins before stressful
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Speaker 4: moments by letting your brain rest on purpose. There are
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Speaker 4: probably a lot of good reasons why you feel like
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Speaker 4: you have to go, go, go all the time, But
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Speaker 4: Cassidy says, parents are so overworked, overscheduled these days. You
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Speaker 4: need to preserve small margins of time to rest in
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Speaker 4: order to be able to integrate new information and break
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Speaker 4: negative cycles.
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Speaker 2: And by margins, I mean gosh, margins in your calendar. Yes,
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Speaker 2: for rest, but also like building the muscle between your
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Speaker 2: trigger and your response, just the margin of space thereof
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Speaker 2: to pause to recalibrate, to access how we want to
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Speaker 2: respond right to. That's an important thing as well. Margins
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Speaker 2: for mistakes, margins for ourselves, margins for our partner relationships.
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Speaker 2: Is a lot of different ways in which we want
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Speaker 2: to be protecting margins.
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Speaker 4: Can we talk a little bit about what it looks
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Speaker 4: like to have space in the moment? The times when
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Speaker 4: I most need space are the times when it is
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Speaker 4: least available to me, you know, solo parenting. Maybe you
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Speaker 4: know it's probably the morning. We're probably on a time crunch.
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Speaker 4: I'm probably exhausted. If I just had a little more time,
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Speaker 4: a little more caffeine, just you know what I mean,
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Speaker 4: And it's just not there. Help what help me?
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Speaker 2: Please? Oh my gosh. In those moments, I love to
9:18
Speaker 2: take a beat. And my kids know that when I
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Speaker 2: take a beat and I take a breath and I'm
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Speaker 2: putting my hand actually like red on my chest, because
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Speaker 2: that's always where that like urgency, that tightness, that like
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Speaker 2: dysregulation rage kind of lives in me, is like right
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Speaker 2: here in my chest. And I have my hand on
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Speaker 2: my chest. My kids know now that's a cue to
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Speaker 2: them that oh okay, mom caught herself. I will I
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Speaker 2: will take a breath, and I will do an extended exhale,
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Speaker 2: and I do a little shushing on the exhale. Because
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Speaker 2: there's a science around what humming or shushing on an
9:48
Speaker 2: exhale does. I'll model it for a second. So a
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Speaker 2: little my shoulders immediately drop and I feel that almost
10:00
Speaker 2: this feeling of like warm lovely oil just like rolling
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Speaker 2: down my body. And it just like feels like this
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Speaker 2: like warmth that like brings my shoulders down. And here's
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Speaker 2: the thing, I might still feel like, oh, there's still
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Speaker 2: some tension there after the moment, I have to take
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Speaker 2: the space I need the margin of space with without
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Speaker 2: more input coming in to reflect on this. Okay, this
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Speaker 2: morning I was a raging mom. There's data in that
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Speaker 2: anger at its core is there to be like, hey,
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Speaker 2: something in this feels like it's a violation of our boundaries,
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Speaker 2: our rights. Also, anger can show up as a protector
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Speaker 2: emotion when underneath we might feel overwhelmed, unheard, and so
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Speaker 2: oftentimes in these emotions that are providing its data, we
10:48
Speaker 2: can reflect on what am I needing here? And how
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Speaker 2: do we reclaim presence and experiences of joy and awe
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Speaker 2: and wonder and something really magical happens in our bodies,
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Speaker 2: in our relationships, and in our day to day lives
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Speaker 2: where we can actually be in the moment.
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Speaker 4: I feel really lucky to be a parent in an
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Speaker 4: era of parenting in which I feel like it's okay
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Speaker 4: to be both a parent and a person, you know,
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Speaker 4: and it's okay to want to have a life outside
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Speaker 4: of my kid. I feel really really grateful for that.
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Speaker 4: And also that mom guilt is.
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Speaker 2: Just so loud, so loud, it really is.
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Speaker 4: I saw this really great video that I just have
11:33
Speaker 4: to share with you, and it was about mom math,
11:35
Speaker 4: like mental mom math that we make up for ourselves.
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Speaker 4: So this content creator who I love, who's talking to
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Speaker 4: a friend saying, I'm sorry I can't meet you for
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Speaker 4: a happy hour. I've already used my allotted meantime this
11:46
Speaker 4: week because I worked late one night so I didn't
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Speaker 4: put my daughter to bed. You know, just all these
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Speaker 4: arbitrary rules that we set for ourselves, these metrics that
11:54
Speaker 4: don't actually exist.
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Speaker 5: Can you relate?
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Speaker 2: Absolutely? Can I relate, as I'm sure anyone who's listening.
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Speaker 2: Guilt is an emotion that we are wired for. It
12:06
Speaker 2: is not bad. There are no bad parts of us
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Speaker 2: that could feel bad in our body, right, like the
12:13
Speaker 2: physical sensations it can bring the way in which it
12:16
Speaker 2: delivers the message. But again, motions are data messengers. Guilt's
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Speaker 2: job is to come in and say, oh, we did
12:22
Speaker 2: something here that's not in alignment with our values, right,
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Speaker 2: And to this example that you've provided, oh, we value
12:31
Speaker 2: being present and connected to our children, and so we
12:37
Speaker 2: have come up with some sort of rulebook for some
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Speaker 2: arbitrary number of like what we are allotted or allowed.
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Speaker 2: And what I would say is one, thanks guilt for
12:49
Speaker 2: reminding me that I value those things. And I'm going
12:52
Speaker 2: to get back in the driver's seat though, and I'm
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Speaker 2: going to make a decision rooted in my values instead
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Speaker 2: of having guilt drive my decision. And is it possil
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Speaker 2: that this decision to go out with my girlfriend for
13:04
Speaker 2: a happy hour is actually aligned with my values and
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Speaker 2: something that I one would want a model to my
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Speaker 2: kids that they can do one day when they're parents too.
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Speaker 2: Am I going to be a better mom or present
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Speaker 2: connected if I provide these opportunities for myself and protect
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Speaker 2: them right as well? And a great way of thinking
13:23
Speaker 2: about it, is a friend of yours that you really
13:25
Speaker 2: love came to you and shared whatever the thing they're
13:28
Speaker 2: feeling guilty about is right, how would you respond to them?
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Speaker 2: And why is that so hard to do for myself?
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Speaker 4: You know, I'm gonna say I love doing that to
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Speaker 4: my friends. I love I love using that example for
13:40
Speaker 4: my friends. It's so much harder to do to myself.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it really is. And you know we're talking here
13:47
Speaker 2: about you know, going out to dinner, a happy hour,
13:49
Speaker 2: and let's be so real that like when I talk
13:52
Speaker 2: about margins, I'm literally talking about margins like I love
13:56
Speaker 2: a good like staycation like hotel, stay to yourself if
13:59
Speaker 2: you can make that happen, or you know, a girl's
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Speaker 2: night or whatever the case might be. But also margins
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Speaker 2: can look like in my calendar, I will protect fifteen
14:10
Speaker 2: or thirty minutes where I'm not allowing anything else to
14:13
Speaker 2: show up there. So I'm not going to schedule a client,
14:15
Speaker 2: I'm not going to schedule a meeting or a call.
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Speaker 2: Maybe it's the thirty minutes before my kids come home
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Speaker 2: or before I need to go pick them up. Maybe
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Speaker 2: it's I'm driving home and I pull over and for
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Speaker 2: fifteen minutes, I just let myself sit in the car
14:29
Speaker 2: or like roll down the window or for my lunch
14:31
Speaker 2: break instead of going on emails or scrolling, I'm gonna
14:34
Speaker 2: go outside and like what do the kids say these days?
14:36
Speaker 2: Touch grass? Like actually like go like, look at the trees.
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Speaker 2: Listen to what you're hearing around you. Give your brain
14:45
Speaker 2: a break.
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Speaker 4: That sounds ye me lovely necessary needed.
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Speaker 2: Let's schedule it. I want you to schedule it. Okay.
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Speaker 2: After this, you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna get on
14:56
Speaker 2: your calendar and we're gonna.
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Speaker 4: Have calendars, calendarquipments or literally everything.
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Speaker 2: Else seriously, like reminders, right, like have my son changes
15:05
Speaker 2: in right? Okay, I'm also going to schedule in mom's
15:09
Speaker 2: mom's moment.
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Speaker 4: Take away too. Emotions are data in high stress moments,
15:16
Speaker 4: especially with kids. Try to remember it's okay to take
15:20
Speaker 4: a pause, even if it's just a single breath, before
15:24
Speaker 4: acting on that feeling. Future you will probably thank you.
15:28
Speaker 4: After the break, we'll talk about making margins or mistakes.
15:36
Speaker 8: History is intriguing, but unlike the present, it can feel
15:40
Speaker 8: far off. On NPRS through Line, we bring it back
15:44
Speaker 8: to life and put you in the middle of it.
15:50
Speaker 8: Go inside the stories from men that shape the world
15:52
Speaker 8: we live in now. Find NPRS through line wherever you
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Speaker 8: get your podcasts.
16:01
Speaker 4: Let's talk about after the fact, when you you know,
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Speaker 4: when you tried your best and you and you lost it.
16:06
Speaker 4: You know, I was patient, I was patient. I was patient.
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Speaker 4: I was patient the first nineteen times. That twentieth time, Hey, that.
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Speaker 2: Was me this morning trying to get my son to
16:15
Speaker 2: get to wake up and get dressed.
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Speaker 6: You know.
16:17
Speaker 2: I think it was like the sixth time that I
16:19
Speaker 2: went in and I was like, dude, you're still right,
16:23
Speaker 2: and I snapped, and this will happen because we are
16:28
Speaker 2: not perfect human beings, and I really truly believe that
16:31
Speaker 2: our children do not need us to be perfect.
16:34
Speaker 4: I have that question for you, you know, like, are we
16:36
Speaker 4: allowed to be angry at our kids?
16:37
Speaker 2: Yes, of course, because you're human and anger is a
16:41
Speaker 2: real human emotion. Our kids, we need to show them
16:46
Speaker 2: what it is to be imperfect, that they're going to
16:48
Speaker 2: have big feelings too, they're going to lose it too,
16:50
Speaker 2: and how to come back and repair. Repair is the
16:53
Speaker 2: most powerful tool in our parenting belt. And we need
16:58
Speaker 2: margins to not just figure out that we're going to
17:02
Speaker 2: come back and say sorry, but figure out gosh, where
17:04
Speaker 2: does that? Why am I triggered? What is it? Where
17:06
Speaker 2: is this coming from? And what's so cool is that
17:09
Speaker 2: the more that I've done that and I figure out
17:10
Speaker 2: where some of this comes from, I share stories with
17:13
Speaker 2: my kids, especially like as they've gotten older, I've some
17:16
Speaker 2: of the things that like are my stuff that I'm
17:19
Speaker 2: working through and giving them stories about it. Kids love that.
17:23
Speaker 2: They want to see you as a human being. They
17:25
Speaker 2: want to know you. And so the more that we
17:27
Speaker 2: can share those moments when we lose it or we
17:29
Speaker 2: come back, they have that context too, you know, like, oh,
17:33
Speaker 2: this is something that moms talked to me about before,
17:35
Speaker 2: and she's human, and so am I. It turns out,
17:38
Speaker 2: you know, and we get to model that for them.
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Speaker 4: Too, because kids need margins too.
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Speaker 2: You say, oh, yeah, they do.
17:46
Speaker 4: My son is three and he I don't remember teaching
17:49
Speaker 4: him this, but he'll ask us for space. I need
17:52
Speaker 4: some space please.
17:53
Speaker 1: Yeah.
17:53
Speaker 2: But you know what, you know what, girl, you probably
17:56
Speaker 2: modeled it. I mean, he heard that somewhere. And with
17:59
Speaker 2: all all of this information we have that we're also
18:02
Speaker 2: feeling overwhelmed by, We're understanding more about the emotional landscape
18:06
Speaker 2: of a child and how to support a child in
18:09
Speaker 2: emotional literacy, emotional intelligence. I love this for us, for
18:13
Speaker 2: our species too. You know, they'll take his little breath,
18:17
Speaker 2: He'll take a little breath.
18:19
Speaker 4: I'm feeling, my gosh, I love it right now.
18:22
Speaker 2: He has a name for the feeling. That's huge.
18:27
Speaker 4: Take Away three. You and your kid aren't always going
18:30
Speaker 4: to get it right. That's okay. Make space to make up.
18:33
Speaker 4: Repair is the most important tool in your toolbox. As
18:37
Speaker 4: Cassidy says, context is a bridge to compassion. So don't
18:41
Speaker 4: be afraid to let your kids know what's really going
18:43
Speaker 4: on under the hood, what was scaring you, what was
18:46
Speaker 4: stressing you out earlier that led to that unnecessary reaction
18:48
Speaker 4: over spilled brucoli or the boys left on the floor.
18:52
Speaker 4: And finally, take Away four, create space for community. Everyone
18:57
Speaker 4: needs one.
18:58
Speaker 2: We were never meant to do this alone. And if
19:01
Speaker 2: you're partnered or you have other adults in your life
19:04
Speaker 2: that are supporting you in raising your children. There's a
19:08
Speaker 2: lot of information now out there around this idea of
19:13
Speaker 2: the invisible mental load that oftentimes falls disproportionately on moms.
19:20
Speaker 2: You know, knowing what's coming up on the schedule, the calendar,
19:24
Speaker 2: the appointments, knowing like all the paperwork, knowing who their
19:29
Speaker 2: friends are and building relationships with those parents, planning the
19:33
Speaker 2: play dates. It's the anticipating, the planning, the preparing right,
19:39
Speaker 2: the noticing all of that, and how do we integrate
19:44
Speaker 2: other support people and dads into the fold of this?
19:50
Speaker 2: And what I had to unpack first was a lot
19:52
Speaker 2: of times, both over myself and for my clients. There's
19:55
Speaker 2: also this sort of difficulty in like letting someone in
19:58
Speaker 2: and letting some tasks go, the fear that the ball
20:01
Speaker 2: is going to be dropped, you know, and that it's
20:03
Speaker 2: just going to fall back on us. And how do
20:05
Speaker 2: we bring in somebody to not just come in and
20:10
Speaker 2: help a little, but really take this load and carry
20:13
Speaker 2: it from beginning to end without you needing to come
20:17
Speaker 2: in and like rescue or continue to monitor.
20:21
Speaker 4: Because I feel like margins can be a hard sell.
20:23
Speaker 4: You know, I love this idea, but how can we
20:26
Speaker 4: have those conversations with say the grandparent who is foreign
20:31
Speaker 4: to getting that kind of time, or the ant who's like,
20:35
Speaker 4: you know, I just used to grip my teeth through
20:37
Speaker 4: it and I was raising my kids that kind of thing.
20:39
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, not every person in our life is going to
20:42
Speaker 2: show up in the way that we're really wanting them to.
20:44
Speaker 2: I will say that if it's a relationship that feels
20:47
Speaker 2: emotionally safe, the best opener to really having someone hear
20:54
Speaker 2: what you're needing is through vulnerability. So if this is
20:58
Speaker 2: a person that you feel like, okay, it feels like
21:00
Speaker 2: uncomfortable but emotionally safe enough for me to say, Hey,
21:05
Speaker 2: I'm feeling really overwhelmed. My mind is spinning, I'm having
21:09
Speaker 2: a hard time sleeping, I'm snapping at the kids, I'm
21:13
Speaker 2: feeling like just a disregulated mom a lot. I'm struggling.
21:18
Speaker 2: If you open up with that vulnerability because the person
21:22
Speaker 2: feels safe to do that with followed with and what
21:25
Speaker 2: I'm discovering that I'm really needing is I'm needing more
21:29
Speaker 2: margins in my life. I'm needing some support in these
21:33
Speaker 2: maybe specific ways. Right anyone listening who's a support person,
21:37
Speaker 2: like a grandparent or the aunt or the friend, Oh
21:40
Speaker 2: my gosh, wouldn't it feel so good for someone to
21:43
Speaker 2: come to you with these needs like I would be honored.
21:47
Speaker 2: And if they're not honored, maybe they're not your person,
21:50
Speaker 2: and maybe there's someone waiting in the wings. You know
21:52
Speaker 2: like to come in and support you. Cassidy, thank you,
21:57
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me and protecting this space for us,
22:00
Speaker 2: have this conversation. This has been so great.
22:03
Speaker 4: All right, let's recap. Take Away one. Let your brain
22:07
Speaker 4: rest on purpose. Build in margins that allow you to
22:11
Speaker 4: take breaks from everything like actually everything, your work, your phone,
22:16
Speaker 4: your kids, your stress. Just let yourself be and let
22:20
Speaker 4: your nervous system reset. You need it, you deserve it.
22:24
Speaker 4: Take Away two. Emotions are data. You don't have to
22:27
Speaker 4: act on the information they give you in high stress moments,
22:30
Speaker 4: take a breath, leave the room if you can, and
22:32
Speaker 4: let that thinking brain come back online. Take Away three.
22:35
Speaker 4: You're going to get angry now and then if you
22:37
Speaker 4: don't have to pretend like you don't, just fix it afterwards.
22:40
Speaker 4: Repair is the most important tool in your toolbox. Take
22:44
Speaker 4: Away four. Parenting is a team sport. Find people that
22:47
Speaker 4: will support your margins.
22:49
Speaker 3: That was Lifecit reporter Andy Tagle talking with Cassidy Fratus.
22:53
Speaker 3: If you love life Kit and you want even more,
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Speaker 3: follow us on Instagram at NPR Lifekit. There you'll find
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Speaker 3: video snippets from our interviews and comics featuring our favorite advice.
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Speaker 3: You can find those by following at NPR Lifekit. This
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Speaker 3: episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our
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Speaker 3: Digital editor is Malica Garib and our visuals editor is c. J. Reeklan.
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Speaker 3: Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez
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Speaker 3: is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire
23:22
Speaker 3: mury Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Kayla Lattimore. Engineering support comes
23:26
Speaker 3: from Quacy Lee. Fact checking by Tyler Jones. I'm Mariel Sagara,
23:32
Speaker 3: Thanks for listening.
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