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Questions To Ask When You're Choosing A Divorce Lawyer · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is actually part two, how to choose a divorce lawyer, part two.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't yet listened to part one, you might want to go back and listen to that.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: That focuses a little bit more around preparation.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode, I'm going to talk more about you know meeting a lawyer and choosing a lawyer.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not just going to rock up and pick the first one that you come across.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's a little bit like say you're going to renovate a house.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to just pick the closest, nearest first builder that you that you speak to, you're going to want to interview them, have a chat to them, work out, you know, if they work in a way that's aligned with you or your values and what you're hoping to achieve.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: If they're good at what they do, you want to have a look at past past renovation work they've done, get perhaps recommendations from other people that they've worked for.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, choosing a divorce lawyer is pretty a pretty similar process.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And most family lawyers, most divorce lawyers will offer a free introductory chat so that you can work out whether you're compatible, whether you're aligned, whether they are the person to support you through this, let's face it, pretty challenging, emotionally charged, really difficult life moment.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I always suggest drawing up a list of questions that you want to ask and treating it a little bit like a job interview.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking to find the person that is the best fit for you, you personally, for your family, and for the outcome that you're wanting to achieve, the way you're wanting to move through the separation and the divorce.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you really want to be sure that you're choosing someone who fits that model.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I do suggest you go back and listen to part one because some of that in in that I talk about um you know how to how to set the intention, I suppose, of your divorce by you know choosing your values and outlining the pathways that you would like to take and move through because that helps you choose a lawyer.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, really, I'm going to speak now about the list of questions that, or some of the questions that I suggest you have written down and that you take into these introductory meetings.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the first question, the number one question I often suggest, not often, I always suggest you start with, might be a surprise to you, and that is about trauma.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I suggest you ask something along the lines of are you trauma-informed?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Have you had trauma-informed training?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: What is your experience in trauma-informed practice?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if they look at you blankly or if they answer no, I don't have any specific trauma training, you might want to think about thanking them and kind thanking them and walking quickly in the other direction.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Explore it a little bit further because some practitioners will have had trauma-informed or trauma training and they don't actually recognize that that's what it is.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: But if they don't know what trauma is, perhaps they're not the right fit for you.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because no matter how amicable, no matter how kind and friendly your divorce is, divorce is difficult and it can be traumatic.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: For you, there may even be trauma that has led you to the divorce.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking big T trauma, little T trauma, whatever your experience is, you want to know that you have someone on your side who really gets that and who can support and guide you in a trauma-informed way.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if your experience is that you have that there is any inkling of manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, abuse in your relationship, either in the past or the present, you absolutely need a lawyer who is trauma-informed and knows how to hold you safely through the process without amplifying your trauma.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So ask the question.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's a past podcast episode with Caroline Parsons, and I will drop the link to that episode in the show notes where she speaks through some of the key principles of trauma informed practice, and they are safety, trustworthiness, choice, collaboration, and empowerment.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, really, if if this is confusing you, if this is outside your knowledge base, go back and have a listen to that.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I will also drop a couple of resources in the show notes that you can access about trauma and trauma-informed practice.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is really important that you have someone who knows how to safely hold a space for you while you move through what is a really, really difficult, difficult life experience.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Next question.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Check they have the experience to handle your unique circumstances.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask something like, Can you share with me a past case or a client that you've worked with that's really similar to my situation?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You want to know that they've had experience in handling something similar to what you're bringing them.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You want to feel confident that you know they're able to support and guide you through your unique circumstances.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Next question is around options and pathways.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: What options do I have?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: What pathways for resolution of my family law matter are available to me?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: What options suit my unique circumstances?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What options suit our family's particular scenario?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you want to make sure that the person you choose to act on your behalf is able to modify their approach to suit you, your family, your unique circumstances, and they're able to work with you.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're not just going to apply a cookie-cutter or set and forget approach.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, what pathways, what options are available to me and my unique circumstances?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next question is around mediation.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because mediation is one of the most important components of your settlement of your divorce.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to make sure that you're choosing someone who is specifically trained in mediation and experienced in the process.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, again, questions to ask: what is your training in mediation?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: What is your experience in mediation?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think mediation will look like for me and my family and my unique circumstances?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: How will our mediation be approached?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's your approach to mediation?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: How will you handle the mediation?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So really ask specific questions and keep asking until you have a clear picture of how mediation will play out in your situation and your circumstances.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, mediation is one of the most important aspects of your divorce.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the sort of official mediation, but there's mediation that's going on in the background all the time.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's where you work out in that supported manner what the settlement agreement will look like.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you really want to know the person that you're engaging to support you through that is a skilled mediator, is a trained and experienced mediator.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the next questions are around, they sort of lead on from the mediation.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: They're around collaborative practice.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you want a collaborative separation and divorce, you need to ask the specific questions.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: What are the details of your training in collaborative practice?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: What are the details of your training in collaborative practice?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are many lawyers out there and legal firms espousing that they are collaborative when perhaps they're not quite as collaborative as others, and at least they're not trained formally in collaborative practice.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if a collaborative approach is really important to you, and look, let's face it, why would it not be, at least as a first option, why would it not be first the first choice?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for specifics about their training and their experience rather than simply accepting on face value that this firm will pursue a collaborative approach for you.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: True collaborative practitioners will sign an agreement prior to engaging, that means they will not take your matter to court ever.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's a really pure and true collaborative arrangement, that will be stated and that agreement will be signed up front.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So what is your experience?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: What is your training in collaborative practice?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who else is on your team?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you refer to or bring in to support when working in a collaborative way?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because collaborative practice is exactly that.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a collaboration, yes, between you and your ex-partner, but also it involves other practitioners, psychologist, an independent financial advisor.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: So true collaborative practice needs to tick all those boxes.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So ask the questions around collaborative practice if that is the pathway that you really want to pursue.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ask some questions around the actual nuts and bolts of working with this particular lawyer, this particular practice, this particular law firm.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: How do you see us working together?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or how can we best work together?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: How do you work best?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: What um, how much flexibility is there in that?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, get a bit deeper again.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: How will you communicate with me?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: How will I be able to communicate with you?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: What can I expect in terms of the way you work?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: What can I expect in the in terms of the way the rest of your team work?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And how will they communicate with me?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for example, if there are really difficult things coming from the other legal party that you need to be informed about, will it simply be dropped via email at 5.30 on a Friday night with no warning?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna say, hint hint, that's not a very trauma-informed type of practicing.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, or would would there be a phone call, a heads up, even from an assistant, to forewarn me that this email is coming and you know, to prep me?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So what can I expect and how do you work?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And can you give me specific examples that would relate to me that are sort of aligned with my circumstances?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, further to that, who actually will be handling my case day to day?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because some clients are surprised when it's not actually the lawyer they met with initially who is in communication with them or handling the case day to day.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So ask this up front.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ask and check that you're comfortable with an associate or more junior staff member being your primary contact if that is the way this practitioner operates.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if not, keep looking or keep asking more questions to clarify how does it look to actually work with you day to day until my matter is resolved, resolute, until my family law matter is resolved, until we reach resolution.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: How does it look on a day-to-day basis?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: How will you communicate with me?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look and feel like?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to know?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to do?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do I, all that stuff?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, ask for the nuts and bolts to get really clear on how this how this practice operates, who you're going to be working with, who's going to be helping, who's going to be supporting, and how you're going to communicate with them.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: The next subtopic for questions is around fees and billing.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: You need absolute transparency going in around how you will be charged, how what the fees are, and how you'll be billed.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can you clearly explain to me how I will be billed, what costs are involved?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Again, ask them for details, ask them to lead you through what that looks like, how much you will be charged and for what.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And ask for layperson examples.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, particularly if it's not a set fee, fixed fee.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: If the if the fees are going to be ongoing or if it's a combination, fixed fee and ongoing charges, ask for layperson examples.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So if we're on the phone for 15 minutes, I call you and we're on the phone for 15 minutes, how is that charged?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: How is that billed?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Same if you respond if they're responding to communication from the other party or the other my ex, my legal team, their legal team, how is that billed?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: If a more junior staff member than the person that you're discussing or interviewing, let's say, um, if it's a more junior staff member that's handling aspects of your case, how is that billed?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: How is that billed differently?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Is it built differently?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: To be sure they can clearly explain to you in ways and terms that you can understand.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Transparency around billing and fees actually creates a feeling of safety.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know what to expect.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if they can't clearly explain to you, keep going until you understand or thank them kindly, walk away, try again, try another one.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Some red flags.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Some red flags when you're choosing a family lawyer.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you walk away from one of these introductory meetings, feeling that you have not been listened to, your story hasn't been heard, your questions haven't been answered, if you feel more confused than clarity afterwards, that you've been hurried through the process, that the person that you were meeting with wasn't actually fully present or engaged, there's a red flag.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: If the person doesn't seem to understand or consider that your experience could be potentially traumatic, that it has been traumatic, uh, they don't seem to understand or appreciate the emotional human aspect of your divorce, I would suggest potential red flag.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might have just caught them on a bad day, of course, but you know, these are things to consider and think about when choosing a family lawyer.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: If, you know, if they do discount or dismiss or ignore that you are, yes, you're navigating a divorce, and that is a legal thing, that is a legal problem to be solved, but you're also feeling all the things, you know, you're feeling all the big emotions sadness, anger, pain, loss, grief.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't seem to be able to hold both, there, that there is a human and an emotional and a legal issue here, if they don't seem to be able to hold both and you really need that, perhaps that's a red flag.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you engage with somebody or you meet with somebody and they're already talking about winning and caught and firing off letters and a pathway that isn't actually what you're trying to create for yourself and your family, potential red flag.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Depends if it is what you want and what you need.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking here about someone who has listened, has understood, has explained your options, has discussed pathways with you, and then respectfully told you that they believe what you're seeking, you know, the kitchen table resolution with no arguments or you know, whatever it is, if they've told you that what you're seeking isn't viable or in your best interests, that's a different matter.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: But you want someone who has deeply listened, who has offered alternative suggestions or advice, because you don't actually want someone who's just going to tell you what you want to hear, and then it takes it turns south really fast because what they shared with you isn't actually the reality.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a little bit of duality in there.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm talking about here in terms of red flags is someone who's already steering the ship on a route that you're not comfortable with, you know, they've grabbed the ball and they're running with it, and it's already taking on a life of its own at a pace that you're not ready for, and in a direction, south usually, that you're not that you're not wanting.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if that if you feel like that in the initial meeting, trust your gut.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Step away, have a think about it.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that that they are right, but if if the warning signs are, you know, the warning signals are going off for you, trust your gut.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Going back again to fees and billing, lack of transparency or an inability to explain the fees and the billing system and exactly who will be handling the case on the day-to-day basis, red flag.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: You really need this person to be able and this system, this practice to be able to create safety so that you can trust that they've got you, yes, legally, but also emotionally and humanly, you know, that they see the human in the legal issue.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's really, I think, the crux of it.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: That they can see and hold space for the human as well as helping you solve your legal family law problem.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have already engaged someone, and I this happens with clients sometimes, if you've already engaged someone and you find yourself with a lawyer who perhaps doesn't communicate in a timely manner, who fails to respond to you know reasonable requests in good time, you know, 24-48 hours, if your legal team isn't responding to your calls or you're um returning your calls or responding to your emails, you might have to divorce your lawyer.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not saying jump ship bang at at you know the first sign of um a wobble, but if it's a pro if it's a um ongoing thing and you're not feeling supported and you're not feeling heard and you're not getting you're not being responded to, maybe that's a red flag for you.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it is better to cut losses and move on to someone who does tick your boxes rather than stick it out and find that it's actually costing you.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: If also they're you know sending inflammatory, aggressive, just plain rude communication to your ex-partner or the legal team, and it's inflaming things, it's firing things up rather than trying to calm things down, rather than it's if it's escalating stuff rather than de-escalating, maybe there's a red flag.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: That type of engagement, that type of interaction really quickly escalates things, sometimes unnecessarily, and sometimes actually making things worse for everyone involved, and not to mention more expensive, costly, and damaging if you have children with this other person.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: So once the high conflict ball has been set in motion, it's really hard to pull back from it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, going back to how to choose a lawyer, a lot of what you want to find out is how can we keep this as low conflict as possible while still getting a decent result and you know, an outcome that is supportive of you, how can we, and I guess ask the lawyer, how will you support me?
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: How will this process be supportive of a low the lowest conflict while still getting a result that I'm happy with?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're somebody who really wants to be involved in the process, who wants to be kept informed, wants to know what's going on, you really want to choose someone who's communicative, who doesn't dismiss your concerns, who accepts and acts on your reasonable instructions, doesn't have that, leave it to me, I know what I'm doing, sort of superior type attitude.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: You want someone who's collaborating collaborating, I'm sorry, with you, you know, who is part of your team and you are part of the process.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be reassured and informed and kept up to date about what's happening in your divorce because that's what it is your divorce, your life.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: So going back to asking the questions, that's partly why how do you work, how do you operate, how will you communicate with me?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is really important because that you need to be able to be reassured by open lines of communication, by knowing what's coming, by knowing what's happening.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Silence is awful when you are worried, concerned, lying awake at night.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: So open lines of communication and someone who will address your concerns and fears in a really um in a timely fashion.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Really, really important.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: So ask the questions about that.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've already engaged someone who is not doing that, ask for more.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for more communication, ask for regular updates.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not getting it, then maybe it's time to divorce your divorce lawyer.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: But that's a big step, all right?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not advocating that you should do that, you know, at the drop of a hat or without some really deep consideration and thought behind it.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: It does happen, it is necessary at times, but it's not something that I'm advocating you do.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to be bouncing around lawyer to lawyer to lawyer.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: You need to.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm putting this episode out there because I want people to be able to choose, choose well in an in the initial space so that they don't have to jump ship mid-divorce.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: So just to round things out, do your own research.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Check out testimonials, check out perhaps online articles written by the lawyer you're considering, really have a good look at them and how they how they represent themselves online.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Testimonials are great, and if you can get a word of mouth referral, even better.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Check out their public profiles on LinkedIn, see who they interact with, engage with.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself a few questions.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself some questions around your kids if you have kids.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what parenting or childcare arrangements are going to really best suit our kids' needs.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, yes, but also going forward into the future.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's going to work for us, for our kids, for our family?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself some questions about your money.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: What do we owe?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do we own?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: What are our assets worth?
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's coming in?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: What's going out?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do we spend each month on daily living?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: This can help answer the can I keep the house question before you get anywhere near the lawyer's office.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there are all sorts of other money questions to ask too.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can go deeper on money mindset, but if you just get the basics, ask yourself some questions around the money basics, and then ask, what do I really need to live a decent life?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because yes, things are going to get things are going to get more difficult perhaps in the short term.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Surely your money situation's going to change.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: So what do I need financially to live a good life?
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want that to look in the future?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself some financial questions.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what role have I played financially in this relationship?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: What's my relationship to money generally?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: So having some of that background knowledge about yourself can help you in your in your informing you the type of divorce that you want, but also helping you then choose a lawyer to support that.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Go into the future, and I do this all the time with my clients.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we start.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Future tripping.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want my life to look?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want my family to look and feel after the divorce is finalized?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: Two, five, ten, twenty years' time.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because this really helps inform your values and your behavior as you move through the settlement and the legal process.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: It also helps you to keep future focused, but it also helps you choose someone in terms of a legal practitioner who can support that future vision for you and can keep you focused on that future that you want for yourself.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Also be open to what to hearing what the lawyer has to say.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is less a question to ask yourself, but I guess a mindset shift to make.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Too often I experience clients or you know, story hear stories about well-meaning friends or family members who give advice, offering information, which yes might be well-meaning, but it's not always correct.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, what happened to your friend's sister's aunties cousin in their law in their divorce may have nothing to do with yours.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, really be open to hearing what your lawyer has to say.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: A specialist family lawyer may in fact tell you things that you don't really want to hear.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: They might offer you some difficult truths, and if it's done in a really compassionate way, it's wise to be able to listen and heed the advice they're offering you.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because, as I said, what your sister's best friends, cousins, whoever experienced in his or her divorce, whatever their story was, isn't necessarily going to be your story.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've gone through the other steps in terms of choosing a family lawyer, when they offer you an alternate vision or an alternate perspective, they're bringing their experience and their knowledge and their training to the situation that is your unique situation.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: A good experienced family law practitioner might paint a different picture than what you were hoping or expecting to hear from them.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it is important to be clear on your on your preferred pathway, but be open also to hearing options and possibilities you might not have considered.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Take in a list of questions that you want answers to.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I've presented some of them in this episode, but there's plenty more.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: So brainstorm your own, take in a list of questions, write them down because it's overwhelming.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're stepping into a space that it's overwhelming and confusing at the best of times when you already know some of the stuff.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: But for most of us, this is our first experience of family law.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: So write it down, write down your answers, take it away, think about the responses that you've been given.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Be focused on the future you're wanting to create, and choose someone who really shares your values and has an aligned vision for you, which is interested and caring and trauma-informed, and also savvy from a legal perspective.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: You want the whole shebang, you want all your boxes ticked.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: You want someone who is open to a collaborative rather than combative approach, even if it heads in a different direction.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: You want someone who is open to that approach initially and who is trained, trained to lead you on a collaborative pathway, who is trained in collaborative practice, who is trained in mediation.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, trust your gut.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: If it doesn't feel right, potentially it's not.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Decide with your head, yes, but don't be swayed by someone else's version of the lawyer that you should choose.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't choose that lawyer who fought tooth and nail for XYZ person and got this amazing result because you don't know the intricacies of that particular situation, you don't know their unique circumstances.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, decide with your head, but also trust your gut and don't be afraid to keep looking until you find someone who is the right fit for you, who does tickle your boxes and who feels right.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so finally, I go back to the very beginning of what I said in part one of how to choose a lawyer, and that is I advise you to start looking and start thinking about it before you really need to, if you have the time and space to do it.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to be making this decision on the fly, feeling pressured.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I've got a lawyer up and I've got to do it now.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're thinking about separation, if you're moving into a separation, if you're talking about divorce, start thinking about the pathway that you want to take.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Start thinking about options and possibilities, doing your research, asking some questions, and thinking about who the person is or who the people are that you need to draw in as your support team.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because a family lawyer is just one of those supports.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're a really, really important member of your team, member of your support team as you move through this, but they're just one.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: But start thinking about them earlier rather than later.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I would say a coach is also one of those awesome people who you need on your support team.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if that is something that you would like to explore, please reach out to me.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link to connect with me in the show notes, links to my coaching program, and also to a free intro call if you would like to jump on a call with me.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to have a chat about what coaching looks like, feels like, and how it can support you through this life-changing, let's face it, uh, experience or time in your life.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: For now, thanks for sharing this episode with me.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: If it is something that you know would support somebody in your circle, I would be so grateful if you could share it with them.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: The more people that we get this in the ears of, the better and the better outcomes individuals and families will have as they navigate separation and divorce.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: For now, go gently.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Till next time.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.