Latest / Fartmouth / 335 - I'm Splinter Cell

Transcript

335 - I'm Splinter Cell · Fartmouth

1:12
SPEAKER_04: Fort Mith University.
1:15
SPEAKER_04: R.I.P.
1:16
SPEAKER_04: Tadali and Tim Curry who might have fucked in the eighties.
1:24
SPEAKER_02: It's very possible that they had sex.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: I I don't know, but it's quite possible.
1:29
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:30
SPEAKER_06: That is, I mean, that's an interesting thought.
1:32
SPEAKER_06: Like people that you know are dead now that died around the same time that may have fucked in the past.
1:38
SPEAKER_06: That's uh yeah, dog.
1:39
SPEAKER_02: They're around similar age.
1:41
SPEAKER_02: Uh both inspiration to uh fucking transvestites or whatever no, not transvestite, the the drag queens.
1:50
SPEAKER_02: Drag queens, those that specific word and not the one that offends them that I said first.
1:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: I was born in Kentucky, guys.
2:01
SPEAKER_02: Give me a fucking break.
2:02
SPEAKER_06: I'll apologize.
2:03
SPEAKER_06: I just wanted to advertise our band at the beginning of the show.
2:06
SPEAKER_06: That was uh Gatekeeper original.
2:09
SPEAKER_06: It's called I Have Beers.
2:11
SPEAKER_06: I would really like to cover that.
2:12
SPEAKER_06: That would be so funny, dude.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we could.
2:16
SPEAKER_06: That would be so fucking funny.
2:17
SPEAKER_06: Just it's like a like even just the 30 seconds of it.
2:20
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's up to you to memorize lyrics.
2:22
SPEAKER_02: Beers.
2:23
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's like two power chords back and forth.
2:26
SPEAKER_06: Hell yeah.
2:30
SPEAKER_06: It's so simple.
2:31
SPEAKER_06: But anyway, that would be yeah, I love that.
2:33
SPEAKER_06: Anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose hosts were really sad to hear about the passing of the great and legendary Dolly Parton.
2:44
SPEAKER_06: So sad, dude.
2:45
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
2:45
SPEAKER_06: Speaking of parton, I wouldn't have mind parting those dusty ass butt cheeks one time before she kicked the bucket.
2:52
SPEAKER_06: Poor girl went from nine to five to six feet under.
2:54
SPEAKER_02: Dang.
2:55
SPEAKER_02: T hee over beef curtain.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: Bro, everyone talked about her boobs, obviously.
3:06
SPEAKER_02: That was her main attraction.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: Uh but I bet they were gross.
3:15
SPEAKER_02: Dude, after about the age of 30, they were probably really gross.
3:19
SPEAKER_06: I don't like fake tits.
3:20
SPEAKER_06: Period.
3:21
SPEAKER_06: I just don't.
3:21
SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry.
3:22
SPEAKER_06: It sucks.
3:23
SPEAKER_06: But I just don't like them.
3:25
SPEAKER_02: They just look like two shopping bags with fucking watermelons in them.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: That they had to have.
3:30
SPEAKER_06: She got them done back before the technology was tricky.
3:34
SPEAKER_06: You know, like you could be tricked.
3:35
SPEAKER_06: Right.
3:36
SPEAKER_06: Because sometimes there are fake boobs.
3:38
SPEAKER_06: Like they don't go crazy big because like the crazy big's obvious, right?
3:41
SPEAKER_06: But if they go from like, I don't know, a low B to like a double D, they could trick you.
3:47
SPEAKER_06: Potentially.
3:48
SPEAKER_06: The bags are better, they're going through the armpit, so there's not like nipple scarring and shit.
3:53
SPEAKER_06: Right.
3:53
SPEAKER_02: It's more of an augment than it is like filling your chest with balloons.
3:57
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
3:58
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
3:58
SPEAKER_06: But I don't know.
4:00
SPEAKER_06: I just I would rather be with a chick that's got small tits than a chick with big fake tits.
4:06
SPEAKER_06: Same.
4:07
SPEAKER_06: Um all day every day.
4:09
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's just it's not even like a moral thing.
4:12
SPEAKER_06: It's just like I just I don't know.
4:15
SPEAKER_06: I'd rather them be real and just the way they're supposed to be.
4:20
SPEAKER_06: Or just get fat.
4:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:24
SPEAKER_06: That would be fine too.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: It doesn't work for every woman as we've discussed.
4:27
SPEAKER_02: But in general, it does.
4:29
SPEAKER_06: Like I if I had to say, like, on a tier list, a short tier list, very small, of like most unfortunate people, it would be like conganese, the pygmies over in Africa, you know?
4:46
SPEAKER_06: Sure.
4:46
SPEAKER_06: Like people that live in India and are shitting in the street and getting murdered by tigers.
4:51
SPEAKER_06: Sure.
4:52
SPEAKER_06: And then fat girls with tiny tits.
4:55
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
4:55
SPEAKER_06: Tiny, just fat, bulbous little fucking snowballs.
5:00
SPEAKER_06: Like the the fucking the uh confectionary snowballs.
5:04
SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm talking about?
5:04
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I got you.
5:05
SPEAKER_06: The little Debbie snowballs.
5:07
SPEAKER_06: Sure.
5:08
SPEAKER_06: Uh they're at the top of the bed.
5:10
SPEAKER_06: Worse than I would rather be a dude in Africa than a fat girl with snowball tips.
5:16
SPEAKER_02: At least then you get to hunt down uh uh other tribes and uh anyone who doesn't have pigment to their skin.
5:23
SPEAKER_06: Well, you know, like even though they have like malaria and dysentery and all that shit going on, yeah.
5:29
SPEAKER_06: Like in general, they just seem happier than the average wage slave in America.
5:34
SPEAKER_06: Right.
5:35
SPEAKER_06: So like I it wouldn't be that bad.
5:37
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
5:37
SPEAKER_06: But to be a fat, ugly, disgusting wage slave white girl in America, bottom of the fucking barrel, dude.
5:46
SPEAKER_06: Like talk about untouchable.
5:48
SPEAKER_06: Even your parents don't like you.
5:53
SPEAKER_06: Anyway, boys and girls, uh Yeah, your dad doesn't even want to fuck you.
5:57
SPEAKER_02: That's a problem.
5:58
SPEAKER_02: Ooh.
5:59
SPEAKER_06: In Alabama, yeah.
6:01
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, middle America.
6:02
SPEAKER_06: That is very rough.
6:04
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
6:04
SPEAKER_06: Uh, we do have uh one of our favorite segments this week for you.
6:09
SPEAKER_06: You know that I'm introducing like this, it must mean that it is.
6:28
SPEAKER_06: You and me, to you and me, but the leveling that I do later, it'll be all the same.
6:33
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's fine.
6:33
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's all good.
6:35
SPEAKER_02: It did sound really quiet.
6:36
SPEAKER_06: I preempt I did preemptive.
6:38
SPEAKER_06: I forgot I was gonna I had to play the drop before the ambient music, so I had already dropped the volume, and I didn't even drop it far enough for the ambient music.
6:45
SPEAKER_06: Anyway, who cares, dude?
6:47
SPEAKER_06: You heard it, you get it.
6:49
SPEAKER_06: Inside baseball.
6:50
SPEAKER_02: You know.
6:50
SPEAKER_06: I will say I did go to a baseball game uh recently, like this past weekend, I went to a baseball game.
6:56
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
6:56
SPEAKER_06: Uh, and I've never I've been to I've played in a lot of baseball games.
7:01
SPEAKER_06: I've been to a lot of baseball games.
7:02
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
7:03
SPEAKER_06: I would say this time was the most I've ever given a fuck about watching a baseball game.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
7:09
SPEAKER_06: Because it was very back and forth.
7:10
SPEAKER_06: It was a great game, dude.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: Sick, dude.
7:12
SPEAKER_06: It was like they went up by three in the first like maybe three innings, they went up by three.
7:19
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
7:19
SPEAKER_06: And it was like, I just kind of want to leave now.
7:21
SPEAKER_06: We're fucked.
7:22
SPEAKER_06: There's no way they're gonna rally.
7:23
SPEAKER_06: And then they did.
7:24
SPEAKER_06: And it was awesome.
7:25
SPEAKER_06: They were cranking homers, dude.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: Dude, the the only thing that redeems or the big thing I should say, that redeems a baseball game that's not exciting.
7:38
SPEAKER_02: Because if if the score is close, then you can at least lean on that as a spectator.
7:43
SPEAKER_02: The the thing that redeems a bad baseball game is just the excitement that you might you might get hit in the face with a fucking baseball.
7:53
SPEAKER_02: Like, yeah, there's nothing, there's no protective anything between you and getting just completely annihilated in the noggin with a fucking baseball.
8:03
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
8:04
SPEAKER_06: I mean, that definitely does up the like the ante in a way, but this game, it was like I don't know.
8:12
SPEAKER_06: When it was the seventh inning, and the other team had gotten the bases loaded with zero outs, yeah, and their best hitter came up to bat.
8:24
SPEAKER_06: I was like, oh fuck, this is like the stars aligned type of moment.
8:28
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, for real.
8:28
SPEAKER_06: His his stats come up on the board, yeah, and he's got like 19 home runs, and his like uh his percentage is like 400, like insane on base percentage.
8:39
SPEAKER_02: Eggs, sausage, hash browns, and pancakes.
8:42
SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, dude.
8:43
SPEAKER_06: Like the potential for him to hit a grand slam here is like holy fuck.
8:47
SPEAKER_06: Like this could happen.
8:48
SPEAKER_06: We could see a grand slam right in front of us.
8:51
SPEAKER_06: One of our fat fans laughed really hard at that, by the way.
8:54
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
8:55
SPEAKER_04: He got he even got the menu out of him.
8:57
SPEAKER_04: I that's that's all that's included in it.
8:59
SPEAKER_06: It was so like, I know exactly what that is.
9:02
SPEAKER_06: Before you started saying it, I didn't even react.
9:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you knew.
9:05
SPEAKER_02: You just hadn't said the words yet, so I thought it would be good.
9:08
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
9:08
SPEAKER_06: He uh he ended up hitting like a line drive and one run came in.
9:13
SPEAKER_06: So then there was only two two runs.
9:16
SPEAKER_06: So then there was just a person on first and second, and then the next guy that came up hit a fucking three run homer.
9:22
SPEAKER_06: Nice, it was awesome, dude.
9:24
SPEAKER_06: It was a great fucking game, and I will say the I'll never happen again.
9:30
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
9:30
SPEAKER_06: I'll never be as interested in a baseball game.
9:33
SPEAKER_06: I also was drunk and I also was eating peanuts and I also had a brat worse.
9:36
SPEAKER_06: All of that helps.
9:37
SPEAKER_06: It definitely helps.
9:38
SPEAKER_06: I wasn't hungry, yeah, I was drunk, and I was around fun people.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a good time.
9:43
SPEAKER_06: So anyway, we got we got spurgy spooks for you guys.
9:46
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
9:47
SPEAKER_06: It's gonna be a good time.
9:49
SPEAKER_06: Uh I will say, I don't know what you have.
9:52
SPEAKER_06: If you could just describe the length and girth of your what you've got going on.
9:56
SPEAKER_02: It is not nearly as long as last time.
9:58
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
9:59
SPEAKER_02: Tell you that.
10:00
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
10:00
SPEAKER_02: It's probably like half, maybe maybe 55% as long as last time.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: You've got one story?
10:07
SPEAKER_06: Yes.
10:08
SPEAKER_06: Uh, what I'll tell you is I have two, but one is very short.
10:14
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
10:16
SPEAKER_06: And the other one is not that short.
10:19
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
10:20
SPEAKER_06: It's less short.
10:22
SPEAKER_06: I I'll I'll have time to do both.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: Let's go up in length, then I guess.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: Let's you do your short one, and then I'll do mine, and then you do your long one, maybe.
10:30
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
10:30
SPEAKER_06: I keep hitting the wrong fucking one.
10:33
SPEAKER_06: Hang on.
10:33
SPEAKER_06: Alright, so that one and that one.
10:37
SPEAKER_06: Okay, cool, cool, cool.
10:39
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I'll do my short one.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: Your short ones are uh there's quite the expectation for you.
10:45
SPEAKER_06: My unshort one isn't that short, but I think we'll be okay.
10:48
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I'll do my short one.
10:49
SPEAKER_06: It's it's important that I do the short one, and I'm just gonna keep saying a short one.
10:54
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, short one.
10:54
SPEAKER_06: All shortstop.
10:58
SPEAKER_06: Short stop.
10:59
SPEAKER_06: It was a base baseball term.
11:01
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
11:01
SPEAKER_06: Sometimes I stop short and I get to feel a girl up.
11:06
SPEAKER_06: Oh, yeah.
11:06
SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm saying?
11:07
SPEAKER_06: Everybody knows that move.
11:08
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
11:10
SPEAKER_06: Sometimes I stop short in the middle of a sentence.
11:13
SPEAKER_06: Sometimes when I'm driving, I want to get somewhere really quick, I take a short cut.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
11:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:20
SPEAKER_01: Short round.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: Just play the thing.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: Get me out of this.
11:27
SPEAKER_06: I was waiting for you to like have a good one.
11:30
SPEAKER_06: No, I I didn't.
11:31
SPEAKER_06: And then you just said the name of a cut of beef.
11:34
SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, I was talking about the the dude from Indiana Jones, but yeah.
11:38
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I don't I don't know.
11:39
SPEAKER_02: The little little uh ethnic boy from Indiana Jones.
11:45
SPEAKER_02: Cool.
11:45
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
11:47
SPEAKER_02: You know, you guys know what I'm talking about.
11:48
SPEAKER_06: So you uh oh it's plan two.
11:51
SPEAKER_06: It fucking anyway.
11:52
SPEAKER_06: Uh so you guys might remember from last time.
11:55
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
11:56
SPEAKER_06: I the one that I read that was fucking absolutely off the wall.
12:00
SPEAKER_06: Yes.
12:01
SPEAKER_06: Um man, that was crazy.
12:04
SPEAKER_06: And I was like, I need to fucking search this dude up and see if he has a bunch.
12:09
SPEAKER_06: Like if we have a new local chef, but like even more retarded.
12:13
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
12:14
SPEAKER_06: I looked this dude up, I looked through all of his post history.
12:19
SPEAKER_06: He only has one other story.
12:21
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
12:22
SPEAKER_06: And it's shorter, and I don't all I know is the title.
12:25
SPEAKER_06: I didn't look at anything else.
12:27
SPEAKER_06: I just knew that it was gonna be on that level, so I didn't like spoil it at all for me.
12:32
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
12:32
SPEAKER_06: So this is I can't remember the guy's name.
12:35
SPEAKER_06: It's one of those randomly generated Reddit usernames, so it might as well be like Amethyst Brick643.
12:41
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
12:42
SPEAKER_06: Sure, you know?
12:43
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
12:44
SPEAKER_06: It is titled My Neighbors Are Kittens.
12:51
SPEAKER_06: It's hard to say this, but my neighbors are kittens.
12:56
SPEAKER_06: Not in some metaphor on how cute they are.
12:59
SPEAKER_06: I can't do that the whole time.
13:00
SPEAKER_06: On how cute they are.
13:01
SPEAKER_06: No, they are literally kittens.
13:04
SPEAKER_06: For some context, I live in a kind of nice apartment.
13:07
SPEAKER_06: Like there's a food court and stuff, but my neighbor, as soon as it got to like that, I had, you know, I locked in.
13:16
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
13:18
SPEAKER_04: No one's apartments have a food court.
13:21
SPEAKER_02: What the fuck are you talking about?
13:22
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
13:23
SPEAKER_02: It's just a restaurant underneath the apartment.
13:25
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: Okay, sorry.
13:27
SPEAKER_06: But my neighbor, my neighbors, who is in apartment 24, doesn't go outside at all.
13:34
SPEAKER_06: And I keep on hearing two kittens in there.
13:36
SPEAKER_06: But when I talk to people about it, they just think I'm joking.
13:41
SPEAKER_06: You may be asking, why well?
13:45
SPEAKER_06: It's because everyone in the building, besides me, says that the neighbors, which are apparently called the Jakes, I swear to fucking God.
13:55
SPEAKER_06: Hell yeah, dude.
13:56
SPEAKER_06: I swear that is totally fucking random.
13:59
SPEAKER_06: That's great.
13:59
SPEAKER_06: I had nothing to do with that.
14:01
SPEAKER_06: Always come out for dinner and other stuff.
14:04
SPEAKER_06: Like when I'm in the food court, people start joking with air.
14:08
SPEAKER_06: I don't know what that means.
14:11
SPEAKER_06: At all.
14:12
SPEAKER_06: I couldn't even begin to tell you what that means.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: All jokes are jokes with air.
14:15
SPEAKER_02: Forget about it.
14:17
SPEAKER_06: Expelled from your lungs?
14:18
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, dude.
14:19
SPEAKER_06: Mostly CO2.
14:20
SPEAKER_02: If there wasn't air, there could be no jokes.
14:22
SPEAKER_06: So I guess that's honestly spitting.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: I guess I mean bars.
14:29
SPEAKER_06: Dog six, seven and stuff.
14:31
SPEAKER_06: Like, there's nothing at the chairs, but people keep on joking with them, even a kid.
14:38
SPEAKER_06: Once hugged air, and no one questions.
14:43
SPEAKER_06: It beside me.
14:46
SPEAKER_06: So one day I was tired.
14:48
SPEAKER_06: And also, there's like a fire exit right next to my window that also connects to the neighbors.
14:54
SPEAKER_06: So I went on there in the middle of the night, and I looked through the window, and it was like pretty dark, but I saw two kittens.
15:03
SPEAKER_06: One was gray and one was orange.
15:06
SPEAKER_02: You can't tell what color kittens are in the dark, but okay.
15:08
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, they were glowing.
15:13
SPEAKER_06: The entire place was trashed.
15:15
SPEAKER_06: There were scratch marks everywhere.
15:18
SPEAKER_06: The wallpapers were damaged.
15:20
SPEAKER_06: There's fragments on the toilet in the bathroom everywhere.
15:24
SPEAKER_06: Toilet water was scattered.
15:26
SPEAKER_06: All the furniture was scratched up and broken.
15:30
SPEAKER_06: All the ceramics were broken too.
15:32
SPEAKER_06: Jesus, man.
15:33
SPEAKER_06: It looked like a total mess.
15:36
SPEAKER_03: Apparently.
15:36
SPEAKER_06: A day later, I told my neighbor who is a girl about it.
15:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, that's fucking amazing.
15:50
SPEAKER_06: One of my favorite literary devices ever used, probably.
15:55
SPEAKER_04: My neighbor who is a girl.
15:57
SPEAKER_02: I talked to a girl, guys.
15:59
SPEAKER_02: That happened.
16:00
SPEAKER_06: I know you can't believe it, but I did.
16:03
SPEAKER_06: That's the least believable part.
16:04
SPEAKER_02: She has a pussy.
16:06
SPEAKER_06: Your kittens are neighbor, your neighbors are kittens.
16:08
SPEAKER_06: I believe that.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: She has boobs.
16:10
SPEAKER_02: And you talk to her.
16:12
SPEAKER_06: Talk to a girl?
16:13
SPEAKER_06: I don't think so.
16:15
SPEAKER_06: Oh man.
16:16
SPEAKER_06: But she said it was one of the cleanest rooms in the whole hotel.
16:19
SPEAKER_06: It's not a hotel?
16:21
unknown: What the fuck?
16:23
SPEAKER_02: Dude.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: Oh.
16:25
SPEAKER_02: I'm so confused.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: Also, is the I guess there would still be a fire escape on the second floor, but that's crazy.
16:32
SPEAKER_04: It's crazy.
16:33
SPEAKER_02: That's crazy, dude.
16:35
SPEAKER_06: I don't like it.
16:36
SPEAKER_06: It was one of the cleanest rooms in the whole hotel, and the Jakes never had any kittens.
16:41
SPEAKER_06: And some other stuff like it.
16:42
SPEAKER_06: Feels like everyone brainwashed into believing that they always go out, but the door never open, and the kittens have never once gone out.
16:51
SPEAKER_06: Also, you might be thinking, what about people passing by?
16:55
SPEAKER_06: Wouldn't they see the kittens?
16:58
SPEAKER_06: But when people pass by, they wave out the window, and they think that there's a people in there too.
17:05
SPEAKER_06: I asked someone a crucial question later about how do people actually know that they are there?
17:12
SPEAKER_06: And he replies, What do?
17:14
SPEAKER_06: I swear to God, dude.
17:16
SPEAKER_06: Come on.
17:19
SPEAKER_06: You mean they always come out and do stuff and eat?
17:23
SPEAKER_06: So I just watched my I just wanted to my room.
17:26
SPEAKER_06: So I just wanted to my room.
17:28
SPEAKER_06: Then a day later, the same guy I knocked on my door and said the Jakes went want to meet you fully and want to talk to you.
17:37
SPEAKER_06: So I went and the guy starts saying talk to them.
17:40
SPEAKER_06: But there's no one there, and the kittens are still in that room, and I just ate.
17:45
SPEAKER_06: And now I'm sitting to type this out.
17:52
SPEAKER_06: What?
17:54
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna read the sentence and I'm gonna try to decipher what it means.
17:58
SPEAKER_06: Cancel one! Please tell me what's going on.
18:02
SPEAKER_06: Uh nope, I don't know.
18:04
SPEAKER_06: Is it that the entire town is brainwashed into believing these kittens are real?
18:08
SPEAKER_06: Or is it some drug from the kittens?
18:10
SPEAKER_06: And were the kittens always kittens, or were they originally human and transformed into kittens?
18:15
SPEAKER_02: How are you immune to it if something like that's happening?
18:20
SPEAKER_06: I don't know, dude.
18:21
SPEAKER_06: He's the Why aren't you wondering that?
18:23
SPEAKER_06: He's the classic uh immunity guy.
18:25
SPEAKER_06: God damn it.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: He's got the Ellie of this universe.
18:29
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:29
SPEAKER_06: This guy's definitely Ellie.
18:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:32
SPEAKER_02: Excited to talk to a girl.
18:34
SPEAKER_02: Ellie is also excited to talk to girls.
18:36
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, and not all there in the fucking head either.
18:39
SPEAKER_06: At least in the TV show.
18:41
SPEAKER_06: Right, right, right.
18:42
SPEAKER_06: Uh right, so or were they originally human and transformed into kittens?
18:47
SPEAKER_06: Can someone on Reddit help me?
18:50
SPEAKER_06: Just I'm thinking that is happening.
18:53
SPEAKER_06: So can someone tell me the answers, please?
18:57
SPEAKER_06: Fuck.
18:58
SPEAKER_06: Yup.
19:01
SPEAKER_06: I just so the idea that your neighbors are something that not that you're seeing your neighbors as something that not everyone else sees them as, and you feel like you're going crazy can be an interesting thing to write a story about.
19:23
SPEAKER_06: Right.
19:23
SPEAKER_01: Not a terrible premise.
19:25
SPEAKER_06: But the thing that you're seeing your neighbors as that other people are not seeing them as cannot be fluffy, cuddly kittens and be scary.
19:38
SPEAKER_02: Right.
19:39
SPEAKER_02: Ever.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: Right.
19:41
SPEAKER_02: The least threatening cat that there is.
19:44
SPEAKER_02: The least threatening animal in the kingdom is kittens.
19:48
SPEAKER_02: I mean, because even like if ten house cats decide they're gonna attack you like together in tandem, that would be a fucking problem.
19:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:58
SPEAKER_02: But if it's ten kittens, you can just stomp them and they're dead, and that's it.
20:03
SPEAKER_06: I can think of about fifty things instantly that would be better than kittens.
20:09
SPEAKER_06: Right.
20:09
SPEAKER_06: But even mice.
20:11
SPEAKER_06: People-sized cat cockroaches.
20:13
SPEAKER_06: Sure.
20:14
SPEAKER_06: People-sized cockroaches would be creepy as well.
20:16
SPEAKER_06: People-sized flies.
20:16
SPEAKER_06: Flies are creepy as fuck.
20:18
SPEAKER_06: They got those big sucker fucking things on the end of their face.
20:22
SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah.
20:22
SPEAKER_02: Uh Quentin DuPay has a movie or Tupac, whatever, has a movie about that called Mandibles.
20:28
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
20:28
SPEAKER_02: Where these dudes find a giant fly in the trunk of a car.
20:31
SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: It's an absurdist movie.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: It's very good.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: I recommend it.
20:37
SPEAKER_02: So, yes, that can be uh an absurdist movie plot, even and work.
20:43
SPEAKER_02: The fly thing.
20:44
SPEAKER_02: Because they're so foreign to us.
20:47
SPEAKER_02: But like like the kittens?
20:49
SPEAKER_02: Like everyone has had an experience with a cute little kitten that that was just so precocious and curious and awesome.
20:59
SPEAKER_06: What if there was a guy and like you know, have you ever seen like those medical drawings of the muscular system?
21:08
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
21:08
SPEAKER_06: Where it's just no skin, just muscle and bone.
21:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
21:12
SPEAKER_02: Let Mr.
21:13
SPEAKER_02: Body be your body buddy from Wondershow Zone.
21:15
SPEAKER_06: I haven't seen that.
21:16
SPEAKER_06: Uh but what if there was a guy like that, but he has the skin from before, but he's like keeping it on with binder clips.
21:26
SPEAKER_02: Ooh, that's good.
21:27
SPEAKER_06: You know, and it's like sometimes the binder clips slip because he like reaches for something, and like part of his skin like starts to fall off.
21:35
SPEAKER_01: That's good, man.
21:36
SPEAKER_06: He's like, sorry about that, you know.
21:37
SPEAKER_01: That's a good premise.
21:38
SPEAKER_06: Just acts like it's totally fine.
21:39
SPEAKER_06: Like, sorry about that.
21:40
SPEAKER_06: You know, and then he redoes the binder clip.
21:42
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
21:43
SPEAKER_06: And then one day he knocks on your door and he's all fucked up looking.
21:46
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
21:46
SPEAKER_06: He's like, hey neighbor, I lost one of my clips.
21:50
SPEAKER_05: You got any clips?
21:52
SPEAKER_05: Oh man, that's good.
21:53
SPEAKER_05: You got any bags of chips in there?
21:55
SPEAKER_05: That you got some clips.
21:56
SPEAKER_02: You need to write this, dude.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: This is I think that would be a fun premise.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: This is an absurdity.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: Like a great premise.
22:02
SPEAKER_02: It reminds me of Ash from Superjail to do this whole burn up.
22:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
22:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
22:06
SPEAKER_02: I remember that.
22:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that that's a great premise.
22:09
SPEAKER_02: That would have been much better.
22:11
SPEAKER_06: Most people don't pay attention to him because he's like, oh, he's lived here forever.
22:14
SPEAKER_06: He's been here since like I moved in.
22:16
SPEAKER_06: You know, everybody says literally everyone that lives in the building says, Oh yeah, it's just Jerry.
22:21
SPEAKER_06: He's lived here since I got here.
22:22
SPEAKER_06: It's like he's been here since the fucking building was built in like 1832 or some shit.
22:27
SPEAKER_06: Right.
22:28
SPEAKER_06: In New York.
22:28
SPEAKER_02: You could go so yeah, you find a journal in your attic of a previous tenant from 1947 and they say the same shit about Jerry.
22:40
SPEAKER_06: I'll tell you this.
22:42
SPEAKER_06: I remember I lived in a house that uh the medicine cabinet like came off the wall one time.
22:50
SPEAKER_06: Oh.
22:50
SPEAKER_06: Behind the medicine, so they just hung this medicine cabinet on the wall with like drywall screws and didn't shoot them into Jerry Landlord's.
22:58
SPEAKER_06: Drywall anchors?
22:59
SPEAKER_06: No anchors, nothing.
23:00
SPEAKER_06: Oh, no anchors?
23:01
SPEAKER_06: They just shot the drywall screws into the drywall without hitting a stud.
23:06
SPEAKER_06: That don't work, dog.
23:08
SPEAKER_06: So like I, you know, grabbed something out of there one day and it snagged or whatever and it fucking ripped the whole thing down.
23:13
SPEAKER_06: I was like, what the fuck?
23:14
SPEAKER_06: And behind that was a built-in medicine cabinet.
23:18
SPEAKER_06: Like they recessed it into the wall.
23:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, those are cool.
23:21
SPEAKER_06: So, but this was covering it.
23:23
SPEAKER_06: This was one that jutted out like, you know, two, three inches, whatever.
23:26
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:27
SPEAKER_06: So when it came down, I saw just the part where they cut out the recessed medicine cabinet where on top of that was a mirror that covered it, right?
23:36
SPEAKER_03: Right, of course, yeah.
23:36
SPEAKER_06: Inside of that was a stack of old timey razor blades, like the ones that you put that you like the screw, like with the fucking flathead and shit.
23:46
SPEAKER_06: Like old timey.
23:48
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
23:48
SPEAKER_06: And that would be an interesting place to find a journal or something.
23:54
SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm saying?
23:54
SPEAKER_06: Like something like that.
23:55
SPEAKER_06: Where like every every thought I have and premise that I have for a story is better than kittens live next door.
24:02
SPEAKER_06: No, yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying is the first thought that came to my head was ten times better than that story.
24:09
SPEAKER_06: What a ridiculous thing.
24:11
SPEAKER_06: It wasn't quite as like poop and scary, you know, like the the first one.
24:15
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
24:15
SPEAKER_06: Well, the first one was his second story, so I guess the first time he wrote he was like, Kittens are spooky.
24:20
SPEAKER_02: He cut his teeth on the kitten story.
24:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:24
SPEAKER_02: Um you want to go ahead and do the the thing?
24:27
SPEAKER_02: We're we're almost halfway.
24:29
SPEAKER_02: We're close enough.
24:30
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:30
SPEAKER_02: RAP, Dolly Parton.
24:32
SPEAKER_02: Finally, there's a parody.
24:34
SPEAKER_02: Can you fucking believe it?
24:36
SPEAKER_02: Dolly Parton's death inspired your boy to do a little parody.
24:40
SPEAKER_02: Uh and yes, it is about Pokemon.
24:43
SPEAKER_02: That's all I'm gonna tell you, though.
24:44
SPEAKER_02: Just so just so you're not confused when it when you hear what happens.
24:48
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's titled Well, should I say No, just let him if you know Pokemon, you'll figure it out.
24:54
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
24:55
SPEAKER_02: If you don't, then sorry.
24:56
SPEAKER_06: This is uh this is a Dolly Parton uh parody.
25:00
SPEAKER_06: Let's go, dude.
25:10
SPEAKER_03: Golden, golden, golden, golden.
25:16
SPEAKER_03: I'm begging you to not take my hitman chain.
25:22
SPEAKER_03: Golden, golden, golden, golden.
25:28
SPEAKER_03: Despite his type, he won't fight your red van.
25:34
SPEAKER_03: Your horn is thick and sharp as tail with a tail fin resemblant flowin' sails.
25:39
SPEAKER_03: You're mostly white with a bit of tangerine.
25:45
SPEAKER_03: With big blue eyes and succulent lips.
25:48
SPEAKER_03: Blowing guys out on route six.
25:50
SPEAKER_03: I'm surprised your mouth ain't full of angry.
25:56
SPEAKER_03: This time I won't let you plow my hip monch and no way know how to be the number of evil 118.
26:07
SPEAKER_03: I've already paid off Marowac to bludgeon you to death.
26:11
SPEAKER_03: In fact, the deed's not done till he brings that horn to me.
26:18
SPEAKER_03: Golden, golden, golden, golding.
26:23
SPEAKER_03: I'm taking matters into Marowac's hand.
26:30
SPEAKER_03: Golden, golden, golding, golden.
26:35
SPEAKER_03: Now on to Killin' Jinks on account of those cams.
26:42
SPEAKER_02: I don't know what Pokemon the narrator is.
26:45
SPEAKER_02: I didn't get that far.
26:46
SPEAKER_06: I just wanted to I thought he was the trainer.
26:49
SPEAKER_02: Uh oh, maybe.
26:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, sure.
26:51
SPEAKER_06: Like he's like he throws out his Hitmonchan and it right instead of fighting, it fucks him.
26:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right.
26:58
SPEAKER_02: I just thought it was.
26:59
SPEAKER_02: I also uh looked up all the Gold Dean facts to write it.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: And Goldine's number 118 in the Pokedex.
27:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:06
SPEAKER_02: Uh you can find her on Route Six in Let's Go Pikachu and Eevee, and I was like, hell yeah, dude.
27:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm using all the poke the pokey facts.
27:14
SPEAKER_06: That's awesome.
27:15
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, the diehards out there are like they appreciate how true to life.
27:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they were like sick.
27:21
SPEAKER_02: Nice Jake.
27:22
SPEAKER_02: Nice.
27:23
SPEAKER_02: Fuck yeah.
27:24
SPEAKER_02: Hell yeah, dude.
27:25
SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, so you're welcome for a parody, finally.
27:28
SPEAKER_02: It took it took Dolly dying for me to do a parody, but so wait till the next icon dies for us to write a parody.
27:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:36
SPEAKER_02: I I do not like musicals, so don't expect a Rocky Horror one next week for Tim Curry.
27:42
SPEAKER_06: Well, there's a couple of songs in there that are like pretty iconic.
27:45
SPEAKER_06: Right, yeah.
27:46
SPEAKER_06: Uh the you know, time warp or whatever the fuck.
27:49
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
27:50
SPEAKER_06: I might maybe I'll think of something.
27:52
SPEAKER_02: Let's do the time warp again or whatever.
27:54
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, Meatloaf is in that too.
27:55
SPEAKER_02: Sure.
27:58
SPEAKER_02: I said sure dismissively, but he is in fact in that.
28:01
SPEAKER_06: I like him.
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Alright.
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Alright.
28:04
SPEAKER_02: My story is now dude first of all, it was on most controversial of all time.
28:10
SPEAKER_02: Whoa.
28:10
SPEAKER_02: I clicked all time.
28:12
SPEAKER_02: And uh it's 12 years old, this story.
28:16
SPEAKER_02: Maybe 14.
28:17
SPEAKER_02: It's really old.
28:18
SPEAKER_06: This story is almost as old as the girls you like.
28:20
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:21
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, there's gotta be something to it.
28:24
SPEAKER_02: And the title stuck out like a sore thumb.
28:27
SPEAKER_02: I dared walk where light treads not.
28:30
SPEAKER_02: The deep web.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: So it's obviously called the dark web.
28:34
SPEAKER_02: I don't know why they called it the deep web.
28:36
SPEAKER_06: It's interchangeable.
28:37
SPEAKER_02: But uh is it really?
28:38
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
28:38
SPEAKER_02: Uh did not I've never heard the deep web.
28:42
SPEAKER_06: It's more antiquated.
28:43
SPEAKER_06: The dark web's more like the colloquial thing.
28:45
SPEAKER_06: Ah, okay.
28:45
SPEAKER_06: But they're they are interchangeable.
28:47
SPEAKER_02: So hence 14 years old.
28:48
SPEAKER_02: Got it.
28:49
SPEAKER_02: Uh so yeah, and and I realized from that title that this person was gonna be up their own ass with vocabulary, so I thought that might be funny to make fun of that.
28:58
SPEAKER_02: Instead of make fun of a retard, make fun of someone who's using bigger words than they should be, you know.
29:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, a pompous douche.
29:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
29:05
SPEAKER_02: So here we go.
29:06
SPEAKER_02: Alright.
29:07
SPEAKER_02: First of all, I would like to cast for a message not aimed at the no-sleep community.
29:15
SPEAKER_02: I I barely know what that sentence means based on the verb they used and shit.
29:20
SPEAKER_02: It is aimed at you.
29:22
SPEAKER_02: You know who you are, and I wish for you that everything your loathsome selves enjoy be done upon your person a thousand times over.
29:31
SPEAKER_02: With that out of the way, allow me to commence.
29:35
SPEAKER_02: What a joke.
29:37
SPEAKER_02: He's got his fedora on writing this.
29:39
SPEAKER_02: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen.
29:41
SPEAKER_02: As you that is not politically correct.
29:44
SPEAKER_02: No, you said greetings, ladies and gentlemen.
29:48
SPEAKER_06: Allow me to regale you.
29:51
SPEAKER_02: As you can see, my name is Daniel.
29:53
SPEAKER_02: I'll withhold my surnames.
29:56
SPEAKER_02: Surnames?
29:56
SPEAKER_02: Oh.
29:57
SPEAKER_02: As I hyphenator.
29:58
SPEAKER_05: You got a hyphenated here to regale us.
30:03
SPEAKER_05: Let's go.
30:04
SPEAKER_02: As I would like to retain a sliver of that illusion called privacy.
30:08
SPEAKER_05: Fuck you.
30:09
SPEAKER_02: I am writing this under a crushing amount of psychological stress and enjoying the placid stupor of my prescription drug.
30:16
SPEAKER_02: An ansiol anxiolytic?
30:21
SPEAKER_06: I don't know what that is.
30:22
SPEAKER_02: Fuck.
30:22
SPEAKER_06: I guess I'm stupid.
30:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, A-N-X-I-O-L-Y-T-I-C.
30:28
SPEAKER_02: Anxio like an anxiety drug.
30:29
SPEAKER_02: I guess so.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: Antitic.
30:31
SPEAKER_02: An anti anti-anxiety drug to regulate high levels of anxiety.
30:35
SPEAKER_02: Nailed it.
30:36
SPEAKER_02: Wouldn't it be an I'm a genius anti-angx?
30:38
SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
30:39
SPEAKER_02: Yet I assure you, I am as lucid as have ever and will ever be.
30:44
SPEAKER_06: Lytid means anti.
30:45
SPEAKER_06: Sorry.
30:46
SPEAKER_02: Right.
30:46
SPEAKER_02: Good call.
30:47
SPEAKER_02: Good call, my bad.
30:48
SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, paralysis is not being able to move.
30:51
SPEAKER_02: Damn, I learned something today.
30:52
SPEAKER_02: I wish I could forget what I am about.
30:55
SPEAKER_02: This dude taught me something.
30:56
SPEAKER_02: I wish I could forget what I am about to narrate.
30:59
SPEAKER_02: Yet there's no nip N-E-P-E-N-T-H-E.
31:07
SPEAKER_02: N-E-P-N.
31:08
SPEAKER_02: Nepinthe?
31:10
SPEAKER_02: Nepinth.
31:11
SPEAKER_02: That could erase the things I have seen, what I know.
31:15
SPEAKER_02: I shall relate my experiences as a naive explorer of the quote deep web to the best of my ability.
31:21
SPEAKER_02: To commence, to use that douchey word again, I would like to give you insight as to what is this deep web.
31:28
SPEAKER_02: Imagine an iceberg, the most massive pile of buoyant ice you can conjure.
31:33
SPEAKER_02: That is the internet.
31:35
SPEAKER_02: As you know by the ages old adage, the tip of the iceberg is the portion we can easily see.
31:41
SPEAKER_02: In this context, the adage quote upper web is what we can see on our daily lives.
31:47
SPEAKER_02: Google, Facebook, YouTube, Uporn.
31:49
SPEAKER_06: It's called the clear web faggot retarded.
31:51
SPEAKER_02: This very Reddit we are on right now.
31:53
SPEAKER_02: As Mufasa would put it, everything the light touches.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: Our kingdom of information and socialization.
32:02
SPEAKER_02: But what about the shadowy place?
32:06
SPEAKER_02: But what about that shadowy place?
32:08
SPEAKER_02: asks a young Simba.
32:09
SPEAKER_02: The bottom of the iceberg, that which remains unseen, is the quote deep web.
32:14
SPEAKER_02: And in a manner akin to an actual iceberg, it comprises up to an es uh up to an esteemed, they meant estimated, 96% of the whole expanse of the internet.
32:24
SPEAKER_02: No.
32:24
SPEAKER_06: Wrong.
32:25
SPEAKER_06: Sorry, go ahead.
32:26
SPEAKER_06: This guy's just a fucking hockey douchebag and he's wrong.
32:30
SPEAKER_02: This deep web contains the websites not indexed by search engines such as Google or Yahoo, not even Bing.
32:37
SPEAKER_02: And as such, not even that bitch Bing.
32:40
SPEAKER_02: A being elitist.
32:41
SPEAKER_02: And as such, oh yeah, you're right.
32:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they love me.
32:44
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you're right, you're right.
32:45
SPEAKER_02: And as such, they remain hidden beneath the quote water.
32:48
SPEAKER_02: And just as Mefasa replied, that is beyond our borders.
32:52
SPEAKER_02: You must never go there.
32:54
SPEAKER_02: And what did Simba do?
32:55
SPEAKER_02: The very same stupid, foolish, unforgivable thing I did.
32:59
SPEAKER_02: He disregarded the warnings.
33:01
SPEAKER_02: I heard about the deep web from an acquaintance of mine, a fellow who studies computer engineering and, as such, has contact with codes and networks and other such amenities.
33:11
SPEAKER_02: Idiot.
33:12
SPEAKER_02: I know, right?
33:13
SPEAKER_02: Like you get you know words, but you don't know about things.
33:16
SPEAKER_06: Yes.
33:17
SPEAKER_06: That is a fucking beautifully worded way of talking about how stupid this guy is.
33:23
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
33:23
SPEAKER_06: Good job.
33:24
SPEAKER_02: At first I disregarded his claims about the existence of this deep web, and how could I not?
33:29
SPEAKER_02: Impossible, me thought.
33:32
SPEAKER_02: Me thinks this guy is a cunt.
33:35
SPEAKER_02: You Shakespearean fuck.
33:37
SPEAKER_02: I hate you, dude.
33:38
SPEAKER_02: You need to always have one of those fucking stupid things on.
33:43
SPEAKER_02: That's like paper mache collar thing.
33:45
SPEAKER_02: You always need to have one of those on, you piece of shit.
33:48
SPEAKER_02: I think he's doing this.
33:49
SPEAKER_02: Hmm, yes.
33:50
SPEAKER_02: Oh, he's twisting that stash, bro.
33:52
SPEAKER_06: I think that was very eloquently written self.
33:54
SPEAKER_06: He's got me thinks that was well done.
33:56
SPEAKER_02: In his medicine cabinet?
33:58
SPEAKER_02: There's definitely mustache.
34:00
SPEAKER_02: Uh uh wax.
34:01
SPEAKER_02: Wax, yeah, mustache product.
34:05
SPEAKER_02: That such a vast repository of information and interaction could lie beneath our noses.
34:10
SPEAKER_02: Ludicrous.
34:11
SPEAKER_02: And for the record, yes, this is the way I think and speak in English, as it is not my mother language.
34:19
SPEAKER_02: They know, and so do you have the right to know.
34:21
SPEAKER_02: At the time it appeared to me as a thing of legend, a vast reservoir of knowledge and arcane lore, the likes of which could be found in the lost Alexandria or the ransacked libraries of Baghdad.
34:32
SPEAKER_02: Oh, we're going back to Genghis Khan, bro.
34:35
SPEAKER_02: The mere idea that such Also, I'm smart for knowing that.
34:40
SPEAKER_02: The mere idea that such an inconceivable ocean of data, an esteemed eight flaming petabytes existed in our world seemed beyond fantastic.
34:50
SPEAKER_02: Like a fool, I w no comma behind like a fool, by the way, what a retard.
34:54
SPEAKER_02: Like a fool, I was seduced by the idea of seeing this occult side of the internet.
34:59
SPEAKER_02: He's trying to apply Lovecraftian verbiage to the internet, and I hate it.
35:06
SPEAKER_02: Swayed and tutored by my acquaintance in the ways to access the deep web.
35:10
SPEAKER_02: Ways that for your safety I shall not, and I repeat, shall not describe.
35:15
SPEAKER_02: Download Tor.
35:18
SPEAKER_06: End of fucking conversation.
35:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
35:22
SPEAKER_06: So I don't want to talk to you about the complexities of going to Tor and downloading it.
35:28
SPEAKER_06: Right.
35:28
SPEAKER_06: And then opening it.
35:30
SPEAKER_06: That's crazy.
35:30
SPEAKER_06: I would never.
35:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
35:32
SPEAKER_06: Fuck this guy, dude.
35:33
SPEAKER_06: I hate him.
35:34
SPEAKER_02: And I repeat, shall not describe.
35:36
SPEAKER_02: So please don't inquire about them.
35:38
SPEAKER_02: Feeling safe and sound within the sanctum of my living quarters, I clicked on the executable program that would link me with this gallery of knowledge.
35:45
SPEAKER_02: It's called Tor.
35:46
SPEAKER_02: Admittedly, at the time, I felt like the one after having chosen the red pill, about to embark on a journey through untrodden pathways of information.
35:54
SPEAKER_02: I felt akin to an explorer, akin to Columbus.
35:57
SPEAKER_06: Jake, how can the fucking pathways be untrodden if somebody made it?
36:01
SPEAKER_02: Right, I know, right.
36:03
SPEAKER_02: Jesus Christ.
36:03
SPEAKER_02: It makes no sense.
36:04
SPEAKER_02: A scientist on par with Darwin as he voyaged across the Galapagos Islands in search of wisdom.
36:10
SPEAKER_02: Perhaps if my mind had been made of sterner stuff, I could have withstood what I came to learn.
36:15
SPEAKER_02: And so I entered into the realm beyond the light.
36:18
SPEAKER_02: At first I was a gross it was a grossly underwhelming, anticlimactic sight to behold.
36:24
SPEAKER_02: The fuck is this?
36:25
SPEAKER_02: I intoned.
36:26
SPEAKER_02: I was not expecting the F-word, by the way.
36:28
SPEAKER_02: Gotta give him that.
36:29
SPEAKER_02: He did surprise me with the F-word.
36:30
SPEAKER_02: I intoned, as I was greeted by a blank page stating I had entered correctly.
36:35
SPEAKER_02: Was this the oh so famous Deep Web?
36:40
SPEAKER_02: A blank page with less flair than the 90s gift vests of your?
36:44
SPEAKER_02: I found myself feeling an abject disappointment.
36:48
SPEAKER_02: My thoughts of unknown secrets, adventure, and discovery had toppled to the ground.
36:52
SPEAKER_02: Now I wish I had left them there, never to be picked up.
36:56
SPEAKER_02: My acquaintance sent me a link, eloquently titled The Hidden Wiki.
37:00
SPEAKER_02: Within I found a list of links categorized in a wide range of topics.
37:04
SPEAKER_02: You could find links to purchase weapons and drugs in the black market to arrange shady meetings.
37:09
SPEAKER_02: And of course, porn.
37:10
SPEAKER_02: Much like life in the universe, in the internet, porn always finds a way.
37:15
SPEAKER_02: Suffice to say, my appetite had been whetted, and I hungered, lusted for more.
37:20
SPEAKER_02: Well, of course, because you found porn.
37:23
SPEAKER_02: Of course.
37:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, lusted enters the chat because of that.
37:26
SPEAKER_02: And here is where I must needs take a break.
37:29
SPEAKER_02: Ah, you fucked up, you fucking arrogant asshole.
37:32
SPEAKER_02: Another dose of Alpra Alprazzalam, Alprazzalam, as this one has worn out.
37:43
SPEAKER_05: Oh, my anxiety, huh?
37:44
SPEAKER_02: Let me tell you my diagnosis so you can better understand my dot dot dot condition.
37:50
SPEAKER_07: Oh my god.
37:51
SPEAKER_02: And to calm myself down a trifle, if you feel like it, feel free to skip the following couple paragraphs entirely as they pertain to my personality and not to the story itself.
38:02
SPEAKER_06: Please skip it.
38:03
SPEAKER_02: We are.
38:04
SPEAKER_06: God, dude.
38:05
SPEAKER_02: In truth, I do not have much to complain about regarding my medication as it has proven to uh to be respite.
38:11
SPEAKER_02: Respite and nepenth from the another god damn it! Did you have to bring back the word that no one has ever fucking written since HP Lovecraft himself?
38:21
SPEAKER_06: Dude, this is all he has.
38:22
SPEAKER_06: Give him a break.
38:23
SPEAKER_06: From the memory a word that you don't is the only thing he has.
38:26
SPEAKER_02: I know, dude.
38:27
SPEAKER_02: And Nepinth from the memory of the lore.
38:29
SPEAKER_02: I quaff, oh quaff this kind repinth, and forget this forbidden lore.
38:35
SPEAKER_02: Quoth the raven, nevermore.
38:38
SPEAKER_06: Please get hit in the head with a hammer as hard as a human can hit it.
38:42
SPEAKER_02: Okay, there's another uh paragraph about that shit, so.
38:45
SPEAKER_02: But back to the story.
38:46
SPEAKER_02: As I was relating, I ventured forth into the deep web in the search for hidden gems of knowledge, and I did learn a lot.
38:53
SPEAKER_02: There's a huge, expansive black market for weapons, drugs, explosives, and any illegal thing you may imagine.
38:59
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, literally every fucking buddy knows that.
39:01
SPEAKER_02: Exotic creatures abound and are sold at quite reasonable prices.
39:05
SPEAKER_02: If and this is where the the the uh copy and pasting kind of went awry on me.
39:10
SPEAKER_02: If you consider ten thousand dollars reasonable for a Siberian tiger, that is.
39:17
SPEAKER_06: That does seem reasonable.
39:18
SPEAKER_02: Counterfeit money as sold on a rate of two to one, and PayPal accounts containing up to one hundred thousand dollars sold for a fraction of their purported value.
39:33
SPEAKER_02: It appeared to me as a veritable rosebud cheat, only in real life.
39:37
SPEAKER_02: Fantastic, me thought.
39:39
SPEAKER_02: Alonsie, quoth I.
39:42
SPEAKER_02: Alonsie, maybe?
39:43
SPEAKER_02: I I don't know, I don't know that word.
39:45
SPEAKER_02: Of course, inquisition and discovery, a lapse is necessary.
39:50
SPEAKER_02: And what better way to regain energy and confidence than to ogle some fine pornography?
39:56
SPEAKER_02: What can I say?
39:57
SPEAKER_02: I am but a man, intrigued by the dot dot possibility childlike nature of the fucking people in the porn.
40:04
SPEAKER_02: Right, possibilities of what I could find.
40:06
SPEAKER_02: I ventured into the erotica section of the hidden wiki.
40:09
SPEAKER_02: That first stood out what first stood out to me was a link titled Pink Meth.
40:14
SPEAKER_02: A quaint name, but seemingly fitting for the purpose, thought I.
40:18
SPEAKER_02: At first sight, it seemed to be your standard porn site.
40:21
SPEAKER_02: Pictures of girls neatly arranged in rows, without a specific order to them, some of them scantily clad, others perfectly naked.
40:29
SPEAKER_02: Nothing unusual up to this point, merely another page that offered, quote, amateur porn.
40:34
SPEAKER_02: But then I noticed a curious link beneath each picture, the name of the lady in question, and attached to it, a Facebook profile.
40:41
SPEAKER_06: Can you imagine this guy fucking a chick?
40:43
SPEAKER_06: I know.
40:43
SPEAKER_06: Oh, hello, kids.
40:45
SPEAKER_06: Malady.
40:45
SPEAKER_06: You are very ravishing this evening.
40:48
SPEAKER_06: Oh quoth I.
40:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he's Malady.
40:51
SPEAKER_02: He's a Malady guy.
40:52
SPEAKER_02: This that's who that's about.
40:54
SPEAKER_02: This is who that's about.
40:55
SPEAKER_06: I could not harden my member, and I said, et two, Pequet.
40:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh shit, I gotta hurry this up.
41:00
SPEAKER_02: Excla The hell exclaimed I as the blue letters took me to a Facebook page.
41:06
SPEAKER_02: It's it's white letters on a blue background, but sure.
41:08
SPEAKER_02: Uh her name, address, friends, family, IP, everything had been laid out before me.
41:13
SPEAKER_02: This admittedly distressed me.
41:15
SPEAKER_02: The information I had access to could positively ruin a young lady's life.
41:19
SPEAKER_02: Not only that, it could be used for other purposes.
41:23
SPEAKER_02: Suddenly, the jokes about how stalking is much easier things to Facebook took a much sinister meaning.
41:28
SPEAKER_02: Much more sinister meaning is what you meant, buddy.
41:31
SPEAKER_02: In fairness, she should not have published those pictures of herself on the internet.
41:35
SPEAKER_02: Countering that argument, however, maybe she did not.
41:38
SPEAKER_02: Perhaps it was a spiteful boyfriend or someone hacked her PC or something of such nature.
41:42
SPEAKER_02: I knew not, and it was not something I wished to know for the re the reason for.
41:48
SPEAKER_02: Okay, we're gonna skip, he says, but I digress.
41:51
SPEAKER_02: And a good thing that I do at that.
41:53
SPEAKER_02: As I write this, I realize I have nearly reached the maximum amount of allowed characters.
41:57
SPEAKER_02: In a way, I apologize, but it is necessary.
42:01
SPEAKER_02: For I wish to leave no detail behind.
42:04
SPEAKER_02: I shall continue.
42:05
SPEAKER_02: This is like Cartman's narration.
42:08
SPEAKER_02: I shall continu when he's trying to be all hoity-toity and shit.
42:11
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
42:12
SPEAKER_02: I shall continue with the narrative in the comments section below.
42:15
SPEAKER_02: I do not wish to cease narrating now, as I don't know if I'll have the guts or the soundness of mind to keep going tomorrow in a quote part two.
42:23
SPEAKER_02: But I warn you, from this point on, things may become dot dot dot terrible.
42:30
SPEAKER_02: And I'm glad it ends there, and I don't have the comments section because I didn't read any of the story because I didn't want to ruin it for myself.
42:39
SPEAKER_02: But that's it.
42:40
SPEAKER_02: That's that just some douchebag, some wordy moron who was in the middle of an in getting their English degree, decided to fucking get on Reddit uh while they were in the commons area of their college and sit there and look it up, look up at all the girls they couldn't possibly keep time with and fucking write in a way that was like spiteful to them.
43:00
SPEAKER_02: They were like, you know what I mean?
43:02
SPEAKER_02: Have you ever had that attitude about like have you ever been like down in the dumps or you just got dumped or something and like that shit, you know?
43:09
SPEAKER_02: But this guy's entire life is that.
43:12
SPEAKER_06: Well, I mean, it's it's the classic case of a fucking loser that got bullied for being a loser.
43:18
SPEAKER_06: He's like, Well, I will poof, I'm very much smarter than you.
43:22
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
43:23
SPEAKER_06: You may be you've won the battle, but I will win the war with intelligence and eloquence.
43:31
SPEAKER_06: Right.
43:32
SPEAKER_06: You knuckled waggle.
43:34
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's like, bro, you could just be fucking normal.
43:38
SPEAKER_06: You know?
43:39
SPEAKER_06: Right.
43:39
SPEAKER_06: Why why did the pendulum gotta swing so far in the opposite direction of what was it?
43:45
SPEAKER_06: Nat Napent?
43:47
SPEAKER_06: Whatever the fuck.
43:48
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
43:48
SPEAKER_02: Take your duster off for once before you go out in public and maybe people will talk to you.
43:52
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, he's yeah, he's just one of those TikTok Wolfpack type of fucking I would swing my samo and so I foo your entire body.
44:04
SPEAKER_06: He calls nunchucks their actual Japanese name.
44:06
SPEAKER_06: Nunachuku.
44:09
SPEAKER_06: That.
44:09
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
44:10
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
44:11
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
44:11
SPEAKER_06: He watches a lot of fucking uh lolliporn, I guarantee it.
44:15
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
44:15
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, this guy.
44:17
SPEAKER_06: He's talking about petabytes.
44:20
SPEAKER_06: Think maybe he's a pet of something.
44:22
SPEAKER_06: Pet.
44:24
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
44:24
SPEAKER_06: What a fucking mongoloid, dude.
44:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, dude.
44:27
SPEAKER_02: I thought I'd go in the opposite direction.
44:28
SPEAKER_06: I would rather hang out a fucking complete biftard.
44:34
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, dude.
44:34
SPEAKER_06: You know what I mean?
44:35
SPEAKER_06: Than this fucking.
44:37
SPEAKER_06: Because at least then they'd say some dumb shit and like, bro, what are you talking about?
44:40
SPEAKER_06: There's some redeeming qualities to that guy.
44:42
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they're they're almost like endearing in a way.
44:45
SPEAKER_02: You can turn him around on some shit too.
44:47
SPEAKER_02: Like, have you ever had like a dumb friend who repeated some like wildly stupid shit that their dad or uncle said, like about some political whatever?
44:58
SPEAKER_02: And you're like, yeah, but man, have you not heard that blah blah blah?
45:02
SPEAKER_02: Like literally five sentences.
45:04
SPEAKER_02: And then they go, No, I hadn't heard that.
45:07
SPEAKER_02: And you could tell their complete, like how they view that issue has changed for their entire life, and they're gonna repeat some of what you just said to other dumbasses, you know?
45:19
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
45:20
SPEAKER_02: I've had that a couple of times in my life, and like that's such a good feeling to know you just made the universe a little bit smarter.
45:27
SPEAKER_02: Like you the critical thinking of the entire population went up a little because you did that.
45:32
SPEAKER_06: I used to I took we talked about this a little bit in the Patreon, but this is a really apt reusage of this guy.
45:40
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
45:41
SPEAKER_06: I can't remember what his real name is, but we used to call him Brucey, which was a reference to Grand Theft Auto 4, the dumb guy that's on Bull Shark testosterone.
45:49
SPEAKER_06: He's all fucking like roided out and shit, and just a dumb fuck.
45:53
SPEAKER_06: He used to do shit like he would jump up on the curb and like scoot along it and be like, hey look, guys, I'm Splinter Cell.
45:59
SPEAKER_06: Like that's the name of a game, not a person, dude.
46:04
SPEAKER_04: I'm Splinter Cell.
46:06
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
46:07
SPEAKER_06: He was a fucking mongoloid, dude.
46:09
SPEAKER_06: Oh, dude.
46:09
SPEAKER_02: That's right up there with uh I want to be X-Men.
46:12
SPEAKER_06: Yes, it is.
46:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
46:14
SPEAKER_06: But another another hallmark of these like Biftard dudes is they will retell you the same shit over and over again because it's the coolest thing they know.
46:24
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
46:24
SPEAKER_06: And he would recite constantly.
46:26
SPEAKER_06: Because okay, so he was 19 or 18 or something when we were like 20, 21.
46:31
SPEAKER_06: So we felt like way older and wiser, right?
46:34
SPEAKER_06: But uh he was either 17 or 18, but he had like a 65-year-old dad.
46:40
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and he would always there's the explanation right there.
46:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
46:43
SPEAKER_02: Bad cum.
46:44
SPEAKER_06: Old dirty cum.
46:46
SPEAKER_02: Dusty cum.
46:47
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, and he would always talk about it.
46:48
SPEAKER_06: Like, yeah, my dad was in the Vietnam War, man, and he uh he flew helicopters, and uh they would they strapped a bunch of speakers to his helicopter, and he would fly into battle with Cry of the Valkyrie going on over the speaker.
47:01
SPEAKER_06: It's like that's from a movie.
47:05
SPEAKER_06: It's from a fucking movie.
47:06
SPEAKER_06: Right.
47:07
SPEAKER_06: You're a liar, and your dad's gay.
47:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the movie that came out after Vietnam.
47:14
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it was fucking uh the the one with the guy.
47:17
SPEAKER_06: Mel Mel Brooks, not Mel Brooks, fucking the Who's the guy that played The Godfather?
47:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was Apocalypse Now.
47:24
SPEAKER_02: Apocalypse now.
47:24
SPEAKER_02: Marlon Brando, yeah.
47:25
SPEAKER_02: Marlon Brando.
47:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
47:26
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's where that's from.
47:27
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
47:28
SPEAKER_06: And he's like, that was my dad.
47:30
SPEAKER_06: Like, dude, no.
47:32
SPEAKER_02: No, you just described a scene from a movie.
47:34
SPEAKER_06: Your dad was in the jungle and has agent orange, and it made you retarded.
47:38
SPEAKER_06: He agent oranged his goop into your mom.
47:41
SPEAKER_02: I I love how this story keeps explaining itself.
47:46
SPEAKER_02: It's like totally like why would that oh, that's why that would be okay.
47:50
SPEAKER_02: Like the next sentence explains the sentence previous.
47:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
47:53
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
47:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
47:55
SPEAKER_02: That guy's life story is awesome, actually.
47:57
SPEAKER_02: It's very funny.
47:58
SPEAKER_06: He went to the the private Christian academy in town, too.
48:04
SPEAKER_06: Like, you know, the one.
48:05
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
48:06
SPEAKER_06: It's I do.
48:07
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
48:09
SPEAKER_02: I think it's all boys, too.
48:11
SPEAKER_02: What if okay, I don't this may not be the case, but it's very funny to think that he thought that the dude that you play or that you you embody in Splinter Cell is named Splinter Cell.
48:27
SPEAKER_02: Pretty great, yeah.
48:28
SPEAKER_02: He thinks that every what if he thinks that every game is that?
48:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
48:34
SPEAKER_02: He's like, well, Batman's called Batman.
48:36
SPEAKER_02: I mean, clearly.
48:38
SPEAKER_02: Spider-Man's called Spider-Man.
48:40
SPEAKER_02: So this dude's name is Splinter Cell.
48:43
SPEAKER_06: What if he had like a water bottle and he put it up on his shoulder and squeezed it out and goes, look, guys, I'm Pokemon.
48:52
SPEAKER_06: Pokemon, use Hodge Pump or something.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: He thinks every Pokemon's name is Pokemon.
48:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
48:59
SPEAKER_02: I don't know what this Pikachu Blast or shit is, but they're all Pokemons to me.
49:04
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
49:04
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, he's definitely the guy that thinks that Link's name is Zelda because the game is called Zelda.
49:09
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
49:10
SPEAKER_06: Absolutely.
49:11
SPEAKER_06: Man, we laughed.
49:12
SPEAKER_02: No, I did till I was like 11.
49:14
SPEAKER_02: Most people did.
49:16
SPEAKER_02: I can't I can't give him too much.
49:17
SPEAKER_06: But then you learn and then you're like, oh, that's yeah.
49:20
SPEAKER_02: But then again, my dad was 33, and I think the worst thing he ever did was smoke a joint in a garage that had just had like automotive paint sprayed in it.
49:28
SPEAKER_06: That'd be fun.
49:29
SPEAKER_02: You know?
49:30
SPEAKER_02: And then everything else that went along with being born in 1957, like all the lead paint, and you know.
49:36
SPEAKER_02: So I'm a product of that.
49:38
SPEAKER_02: That's why I can't do words good.
49:40
SPEAKER_02: That make you cooler.
49:42
SPEAKER_06: Alright, uh, I got another story.
49:44
SPEAKER_06: It's fairly I mean, does this look longer than yours was?
49:49
SPEAKER_02: Uh no, probably about the length.
49:52
SPEAKER_02: All right, I'll zoom in.
49:54
SPEAKER_02: Those are long ass paragraphs.
49:55
SPEAKER_02: My God.
49:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's pretty stupid.
49:57
SPEAKER_02: Dude, I f one thing I fucking love about Reddit, the best thing about Reddit, probably, yeah, is and I've been on it for like five years now, and what I've discovered is if you do not put spaces, if you don't write your shit like you were taught in third grade to use paragraphs, yeah, if you don't do that, you don't hit return every so often, that is all your replies are about.
50:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they are no longer about anything that you said.
50:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it could be the most salacious, insane, juicy story.
50:29
SPEAKER_02: And the first seven replies are I ain't reading all that.
50:33
SPEAKER_02: There's something to that.
50:34
SPEAKER_06: You're reading all that, I mean reading that wall of text.
50:36
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, exactly.
50:37
SPEAKER_02: There's an enter button.
50:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you just made a poster of text, bitch.
50:40
SPEAKER_02: And like all this shit.
50:42
SPEAKER_02: Like, dude, I love that.
50:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm as a grammar Nazi myself.
50:45
SPEAKER_02: I fucking love that.
50:46
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna start uh commenting on those and be like, uh, ChatGPT, make this into an infographic for me, please.
50:53
SPEAKER_06: I've been seeing these Google commercials about that.
50:56
SPEAKER_06: Anyway.
50:56
SPEAKER_06: Nice.
50:57
SPEAKER_06: Uh this the story title I don't I think the story title is really long.
51:04
SPEAKER_06: It's like a few months ago a few months before posting this, I went rogue from the military.
51:09
SPEAKER_06: You might call it going AWOL, but uh I really wasn't absent without leave.
51:13
SPEAKER_06: It was more I thought it was so c too cruel and lacking in morals, so I d stole some shit and ran away.
51:19
SPEAKER_06: That's the title.
51:20
SPEAKER_06: So I'm just gonna read it as if that's the first sentence.
51:24
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
51:24
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
51:26
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
51:27
SPEAKER_02: My brain didn't even comprehend that.
51:28
SPEAKER_06: That's yeah, I read it really fast because it's supposed to be a title, but I damn it.
51:32
SPEAKER_06: I'll read it as if it were the first sentence.
51:34
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
51:35
SPEAKER_06: A few months ago, before posting this, I went rogue from the military.
51:39
SPEAKER_06: You might call it going AWOL, but I wasn't really absent without leave.
51:44
SPEAKER_06: It was more, I thought it was too cruel and lacking in morals, so I stole some shit and ran away.
51:51
SPEAKER_06: The things I stole were files on various supernatural incidents.
51:55
SPEAKER_06: Oh, and a rifle and some ammo.
51:57
SPEAKER_06: But the files are the important part.
52:00
SPEAKER_06: I formerly worked in the United Nations Department of Supernatural Affairs for the US, in which I worked on cover-ups.
52:08
SPEAKER_06: I had to pick through a case file and come up with a believable story, or at least a story that we can't be completely called out on.
52:15
SPEAKER_06: However, before that, I was in the army, and I made sure to bring you all my case file so I can translate it onto no sleep and reveal the truth.
52:27
SPEAKER_02: What?
52:27
SPEAKER_02: Hold on.
52:28
SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna interrupt you a lot, I promise.
52:30
SPEAKER_02: That's fine.
52:32
SPEAKER_02: What was it called?
52:34
SPEAKER_02: What was the agency called again?
52:37
SPEAKER_02: The Department of Supernatural Affairs.
52:41
SPEAKER_02: Why the fuck would they call it that?
52:44
SPEAKER_02: That's why I laughed.
52:45
SPEAKER_02: I had to hold back audible laughter while you were reading.
52:49
SPEAKER_02: Because what the fuck, man?
52:51
SPEAKER_02: Why would why would they call it that?
52:53
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, people wouldn't be like, um, sir, why do we have a department of supernatural affairs?
52:58
SPEAKER_06: Oh, nothing.
52:58
SPEAKER_06: That's just tax write-off.
53:00
SPEAKER_02: This is so obviously your friend.
53:02
SPEAKER_02: Well, your not friend, I guess.
53:04
SPEAKER_02: The from Oh, this is written by Biff.
53:06
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this is written by that guy.
53:08
SPEAKER_02: 100% by Brucey.
53:09
SPEAKER_02: Brucey, yeah.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: Splinter's my head.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I kept saying Biff.
53:12
SPEAKER_06: I really liked the Bifftard thing I came up with, and I just kept pretty good at that.
53:16
SPEAKER_06: Uh anyway.
53:18
SPEAKER_06: Date of incident, June 2008.
53:21
SPEAKER_06: Subjects role.
53:23
SPEAKER_06: U.S.
53:23
SPEAKER_06: infantry private and protagonist.
53:26
SPEAKER_06: Damn right I'm the protagonist.
53:28
SPEAKER_06: Location Iraq.
53:30
SPEAKER_06: One kilometer southeast from classified.
53:38
SPEAKER_02: I do like that this person is clearly a dumbass.
53:41
SPEAKER_02: A fellow dumbass, I'll say, to be charitable.
53:44
SPEAKER_02: A fellow dumbass.
53:45
SPEAKER_02: And they but they at least thought of the detail of metric.
53:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
53:50
SPEAKER_02: This is an American person.
53:51
SPEAKER_02: I can't believe this.
53:53
SPEAKER_02: I would not believe it if this is not an American.
53:55
SPEAKER_06: I mean, writing stuff about the US military is such a fucking American thing to me.
53:59
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
54:00
SPEAKER_06: But also, if he was really in the military, they would have he would have said one click southeast.
54:04
SPEAKER_06: You're right.
54:05
SPEAKER_06: You're in all the movie calls.
54:07
SPEAKER_06: I woke up in the middle of the night to my sergeant waking my squad and I up.
54:12
SPEAKER_06: Wake up, everyone.
54:13
SPEAKER_06: There is trouble by the northwest side of the base.
54:17
SPEAKER_04: Trouble?
54:18
SPEAKER_04: Trouble, dude.
54:20
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
54:21
SPEAKER_02: He just used like an eight-year-old cockney British kid's uh phrase for some chance going down down there, dog.
54:30
SPEAKER_06: If you like trouble, it's gonna come up a lot.
54:32
SPEAKER_02: Fucking there's trouble?
54:36
SPEAKER_02: Dude, hardened soldiers don't use the word trouble, bro.
54:40
SPEAKER_02: They're not in trouble.
54:43
SPEAKER_02: They don't describe dangerous situations as trouble.
54:46
SPEAKER_02: What the fuck, bro?
54:48
SPEAKER_02: You lost me.
54:49
SPEAKER_02: You had me at kilometer, now you lost me.
54:51
SPEAKER_02: You're way dumber than me, man.
54:54
SPEAKER_06: Wake up, everyone.
54:55
SPEAKER_06: There's trouble up by the northwest side of the base.
54:58
SPEAKER_06: Trouble that involved us would have meant it was pretty serious, as we weren't anything special, and it was a base of 40 odd people.
55:07
SPEAKER_06: Trouble?
55:07
SPEAKER_06: It's not a base.
55:09
SPEAKER_06: Trouble?
55:10
SPEAKER_06: What you mean?
55:12
SPEAKER_06: Like the Islamic States or some other group of extremist fucks?
55:16
SPEAKER_06: Shane Zhang had said it.
55:24
SPEAKER_04: What the fuck?
55:25
SPEAKER_06: I know, dude.
55:26
SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
55:27
SPEAKER_02: Extremist fucks.
55:29
SPEAKER_02: It was Shane Zhang had said it.
55:32
SPEAKER_02: Shane?
55:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
55:33
SPEAKER_02: Like the white man name.
55:35
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, with the Chinese last name.
55:36
SPEAKER_06: Shane Zhang.
55:38
SPEAKER_02: Shang Zhang.
55:39
SPEAKER_02: You have to preface that with it's my Chinese friend.
55:45
SPEAKER_02: Or something like.
55:47
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
55:48
SPEAKER_02: Maybe I'm just too used to 90s books where they always prefaced, hey, an Asian character's coming up.
55:54
SPEAKER_02: My Oriental pals like Shane Zhang.
55:56
SPEAKER_02: Maybe that maybe that's my inherent bias, but like I feel like you could give a little bit.
56:02
SPEAKER_02: And I also feel like this person sounds so white that they should have done that.
56:06
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
56:06
SPEAKER_02: That should be in them.
56:08
SPEAKER_02: But maybe maybe that's a place where I dip below this guy, even.
56:12
SPEAKER_02: Apparently.
56:13
SPEAKER_02: Well, we're gonna learn about Shane Zhang.
56:15
SPEAKER_02: Fuck.
56:16
SPEAKER_02: I I need to stop comparis been comparing my uh I'm clearly insecure about my intelligence.
56:22
SPEAKER_02: So I keep comparing my own.
56:26
SPEAKER_02: He did, you're right.
56:28
SPEAKER_06: Shane Zhang had said it.
56:30
SPEAKER_06: A man who was a good shot and often acted serious during trouble like this.
56:35
SPEAKER_06: In parentheses.
56:37
SPEAKER_06: Hilarious.
56:38
SPEAKER_06: But during smaller, less significant situations, he was the comedian of the group.
56:43
SPEAKER_06: No! Some kind of creature or some shit coyotes.
56:46
SPEAKER_06: I had to.
56:47
SPEAKER_06: Wolves! Some are saying that people are not animal.
56:51
SPEAKER_06: But I personally think they fucked.
56:54
SPEAKER_02: It's great that he wrote it in.
56:56
SPEAKER_02: Did you did you read an Asian accent?
56:58
SPEAKER_06: I Chinese it up.
56:59
SPEAKER_06: Oh, okay.
57:00
SPEAKER_06: It's written straight.
57:01
SPEAKER_06: Oh, okay.
57:01
SPEAKER_06: Shit.
57:02
SPEAKER_06: Actually, it wasn't even it wasn't even Shane Zhang that said it.
57:05
SPEAKER_06: Oh.
57:06
SPEAKER_06: I just realized.
57:08
SPEAKER_06: Uh no, some kind of no some kind of creatures or some shit, coyotes.
57:12
SPEAKER_06: Wolves, some are saying they're people, not animals, but I personally think we're fucked.
57:18
SPEAKER_06: Arthur Hooks, an African American.
57:20
SPEAKER_06: I fucked it up.
57:22
SPEAKER_06: Uh, I could have been black.
57:23
SPEAKER_06: I'm not reading it again.
57:25
SPEAKER_06: An African American who was always serious stood up.
57:28
SPEAKER_06: Thank oh, nope.
57:30
SPEAKER_06: Fuck.
57:30
SPEAKER_06: I mm okay.
57:31
SPEAKER_06: It's just written horribly.
57:33
SPEAKER_06: I can't tell who's saying what until before and or after.
57:37
SPEAKER_06: This is with the African American guy.
57:39
SPEAKER_06: They ain't gonna be demons or werewolves.
57:41
SPEAKER_06: It's probably a fucking trick to draw our attention.
57:46
SPEAKER_06: Come on, Jack.
57:47
SPEAKER_06: Nah, I seen coyotes before.
57:49
SPEAKER_06: They pretty distinct.
57:51
SPEAKER_06: Wearing some deep shit.
57:55
SPEAKER_06: Set a man fucking A, bro.
57:58
SPEAKER_06: Set a man we call Texas due to his trigger happy nature.
58:03
unknown: Oh my god.
58:05
SPEAKER_02: That makes no sense.
58:06
SPEAKER_06: Look, you all just need to get your asses up and move.
58:11
SPEAKER_06: There was a snarl and a dark gray mass.
58:14
SPEAKER_06: Move quickly for one side of the tent.
58:18
SPEAKER_06: Exit to another.
58:20
SPEAKER_06: What the fuck?
58:21
SPEAKER_06: said our sergeant, quickly turning around.
58:23
SPEAKER_06: Texas stood up and walked to the exit, poking his head out to see what was happening.
58:28
SPEAKER_06: In an instant gets cut off.
58:30
SPEAKER_06: He got cut off earlier.
58:32
SPEAKER_02: No, his head gets cut off.
58:33
SPEAKER_06: Oh, okay.
58:33
SPEAKER_02: Sorry, I'm I'm trying to call it.
58:34
SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
58:36
SPEAKER_06: Another gray mass went by the tent, but this time the only sound was Texas' blood.
58:42
SPEAKER_06: Although he didn't turn, I knew what was happening.
58:45
SPEAKER_06: His hands were at his neck as blood spilled over his hands.
58:49
SPEAKER_06: He took a step forward, reached a shaking hand down to his pistol, and raised it to the left.
58:55
SPEAKER_06: Another gray mass and he was gone.
58:57
SPEAKER_06: The sergeant turned back and Oh, I want to kind of do the fucking Team America World Police thing now.
59:02
SPEAKER_06: The sergeant turned back around to us.
59:06
SPEAKER_06: Look! I don't know what happened to the others.
59:09
SPEAKER_06: I can't I can't.
59:10
SPEAKER_06: It makes me laugh.
59:11
SPEAKER_06: I don't know what happened to the others, but we need to get out of here.
59:15
SPEAKER_06: There are a few Obviously Yeah, duh.
59:19
SPEAKER_06: There are a few other bases around.
59:21
SPEAKER_06: We need to go.
59:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, a few uh a few other tiny bases of 40 fucking people.
59:28
SPEAKER_02: Like, dude, it's the Department of Supernatural Affairs, dude.
59:32
SPEAKER_02: They don't have the biggest budget.
59:33
SPEAKER_02: Dude, ISIS just has to send, like, some dudes down there.
59:37
SPEAKER_02: Like, they don't even have to send a lot of dudes.
59:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
59:40
SPEAKER_02: Like 10 dudes with bombs on their chests and that whole fucking base is gone.
59:44
SPEAKER_02: A wedding party.
59:45
unknown: Yeah.
59:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
59:47
SPEAKER_02: Well, I don't know, dude.
59:48
SPEAKER_02: The army really likes shooting at those on site, so there are other there are a few other bases around.
59:55
SPEAKER_06: We need to go.
59:55
SPEAKER_06: There are any survivors would have left already.
59:59
SPEAKER_06: Shotgun blasts went off in another part of the base.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_06: And dozens more great creatures dashed by the tent, but one stopped.
1:00:07
SPEAKER_06: It looked like it was a wolf, seven feet tall and unbelievably malnourished.
1:00:12
SPEAKER_06: It sniffed the air and then turned its head towards us.
1:00:15
SPEAKER_06: I pulled out my pistol and threw it at its face?
1:00:18
SPEAKER_06: What?
1:00:19
SPEAKER_06: You are a fucking retard.
1:00:22
SPEAKER_06: I pulled out my pistol and threw it at its face, confusing him long enough for Shane and the sergeant to throw their knives at the creature.
1:00:28
SPEAKER_06: Okay, okay, dude.
1:00:29
SPEAKER_02: What the fuck?
1:00:30
SPEAKER_06: You threw your gun and they're like, I like that idea.
1:00:32
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna throw a knife at it, dude.
1:00:33
SPEAKER_02: Dude, this is definitely Splinter Cell, dude.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_02: This is the exact same ilk of person.
1:00:38
SPEAKER_06: Although it whimpered, that wasn't enough to kill it.
1:00:41
SPEAKER_06: So it let out a howl that sounded more like a scream.
1:00:45
SPEAKER_06: Fuck, I muttered, and opened fire.
1:00:48
SPEAKER_06: You already threw your gun, dude.
1:00:50
SPEAKER_06: Open fire with fucking what?
1:00:51
SPEAKER_02: That doesn't make sense, yeah.
1:00:53
SPEAKER_06: The creature ran away whimpering, but standing still standing.
1:00:57
SPEAKER_06: Hey over there! While I had been shooting the creature, the others had slashed a hole in the tent side.
1:01:03
SPEAKER_06: We all climbed through, and another one of the creatures ran at us.
1:01:06
SPEAKER_06: It slashed Arsh Arthur's throat and at the sergeant's chest, killing Arthur, but wounding the sergeant, who in turn shot him in the head five or so times as he fell.
1:01:16
SPEAKER_06: Shane and I carried the sergeant to one of the few vehicles that hadn't been taken, and we loaded him into the vehicle.
1:01:23
SPEAKER_06: Our lieutenant ran up, clutching his stomach, being held up by another soldier.
1:01:28
SPEAKER_06: Let's turn this into an ambulance, shall we?
1:01:31
SPEAKER_06: I nodded and helped him, and this and then we strapped speakers to the outside and played Cry of the Valkyrie.
1:01:39
SPEAKER_06: I nodded and helped him, and the sergeant into the back, and Shane and I jumped in after to help protect them.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_06: Before before we left, three soldiers ran towards the truck, and we waited for them, but one of them was bleeding and passed out before he got to the truck.
1:01:54
SPEAKER_06: The second was tackled by one of the creatures, and the third made it and climbed into the front as we sped off.
1:02:00
SPEAKER_06: As we were driving, I looked at I looked A the carnage around us.
1:02:06
SPEAKER_06: One truck was on its side and was a creature was halfway in the truck eating a corpse.
1:02:11
SPEAKER_06: Another was upside down and a soldier was crawling away.
1:02:15
SPEAKER_06: Only for one of the uh creatures to jump behind him, dig its claws into his back, and drag him closer.
1:02:21
SPEAKER_06: There were no commas, so it was hard to see.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_06: I I was brought back to reality when three of the creatures, which looked slightly healthier than the others, started chasing us.
1:02:31
SPEAKER_06: I aimed at one of the creatures' heads.
1:02:32
SPEAKER_06: Bam, bam, bam! Only one of the shots landed.
1:02:37
SPEAKER_06: And although it didn't die, it got dazed and confused.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_06: Alright, alright, alright.
1:02:43
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna slash your throat.
1:02:45
SPEAKER_06: That's just a bad Matthew McConnell.
1:02:49
SPEAKER_06: He wasn't dazed and confused.
1:02:50
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:02:51
SPEAKER_06: And tripping and falling, rolling for a little while before laying there, alive but confused.
1:02:57
SPEAKER_06: Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the second creature fall.
1:03:00
SPEAKER_06: The third creature, which looked more like eight feet tall, bro.
1:03:03
SPEAKER_06: You're distinguishing between seven and eight feet tall?
1:03:05
SPEAKER_06: Okay, okay.
1:03:06
SPEAKER_06: Right.
1:03:07
SPEAKER_06: It was completely healthy, didn't go down even after Shane and I shot it in the head about seven fucking times.
1:03:13
SPEAKER_06: Eventually, it actually grabbed onto the truck.
1:03:16
SPEAKER_06: But just as I went to reach into the truck, Shane pulled a pin on one of his grenades and jumped at the creature, knocking it off the truck.
1:03:24
SPEAKER_06: And a few seconds later, there was an explosion.
1:03:27
SPEAKER_06: But the creature seemed like it bled black dust or something.
1:03:31
SPEAKER_06: But it was hard to tell in the night, and all the dust and smoke from the explosions in brackets.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_06: Scholars know it was black dust.
1:03:42
SPEAKER_06: Traces of coal were found, and also mercury and cyanide were found in it, but only in minuscule amounts.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_06: Okay, dude.
1:03:51
SPEAKER_06: After another ten minutes of driving, we stopped, and I hopped out and saw four medical personnel joggy towards the truck, and a man with a beard who I identified as a second lieutenant walked over to me.
1:04:01
SPEAKER_06: What the fick just happened?
1:04:03
SPEAKER_06: Come with me now We walked over to his tent.
1:04:07
SPEAKER_06: Explain what just happened! And I spent a few minutes telling him what I told the assigned scholar.
1:04:15
SPEAKER_06: Fucking hell! He took a deep breath.
1:04:18
SPEAKER_06: Look, we're all clearly in trouble, so I'll go radio for some help, and you may leave.
1:04:23
SPEAKER_06: I nodded and left the tent in silence.
1:04:26
SPEAKER_06: I wanted to find the medical tent or medical area or something.
1:04:30
SPEAKER_06: So I could see who survived.
1:04:32
SPEAKER_06: I looked around and saw a man who was a sergeant.
1:04:35
SPEAKER_06: I looked at the insignia, of course.
1:04:38
SPEAKER_06: Hi, uh, sir.
1:04:42
SPEAKER_06: That's how you address a superior officer.
1:04:46
SPEAKER_06: Hi, uh sir.
1:04:47
SPEAKER_06: Like what, dude?
1:04:49
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:04:49
SPEAKER_06: You're a badass.
1:04:50
SPEAKER_06: What are you doing?
1:04:51
SPEAKER_06: Uh, you know where the medical tent is?
1:04:54
SPEAKER_06: Or if anyone else survived?
1:04:56
SPEAKER_06: The man had an Irish accent.
1:04:58
SPEAKER_06: Ah, laddie! Looking to f looking for your mates, are ya?
1:05:03
SPEAKER_06: Why was he Irish?
1:05:04
SPEAKER_06: It's so stupid.
1:05:05
SPEAKER_06: It's the US Army, what the fuck?
1:05:07
SPEAKER_06: He said with a slight smile.
1:05:09
SPEAKER_06: Well, unfortunately, only six of your lot survived.
1:05:13
SPEAKER_06: One who lost an arm and was a pretty bad scratch on his face.
1:05:18
SPEAKER_06: One of you had a puncture wounds in his stomach and shoulder.
1:05:22
SPEAKER_06: Another had a pretty fucking bad scratch on his ch on your chest.
1:05:27
SPEAKER_06: And you and your guys, other guys in your vehicle are more or less okay.
1:05:32
SPEAKER_06: So your lieutenant died.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, three of your lot bled out already.
1:05:38
SPEAKER_06: So the rest of you are stuck here with us.
1:05:41
SPEAKER_06: Well, thanks, I guess.
1:05:43
SPEAKER_06: My name's classified.
1:05:46
SPEAKER_06: McCormick.
1:05:47
SPEAKER_06: Ryan McCormick.
1:05:49
SPEAKER_06: Oh no, no, no.
1:05:51
SPEAKER_06: There's no quotes that threw me off.
1:05:52
SPEAKER_06: McCormick! Ryan McCormick! As we shook hands, gunfire erupted all over.
1:05:58
SPEAKER_06: North, the Then northeast, then west, then northwest.
1:06:03
SPEAKER_06: The lieutenant spoke from behind.
1:06:05
SPEAKER_06: Fuck! Buck! Look, you two! Come in here! We need you! He pointed at me.
1:06:12
SPEAKER_06: To stay alive for an official report.
1:06:16
SPEAKER_06: So we sat in our tent for about two minutes as the gunfire around us dimmed and lessened, until one of the creatures poked its head around the corner I had been hiding behind.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_06: A filing cabinet in the corner, but the lieuten- but the lieutenant was kneeling behind the desk, and I had no fucking clue where Ryan was, and the creature didn't either.
1:06:36
SPEAKER_06: As it moved to stand at the doorway, I saw that it was not only healthy, but it was fit.
1:06:41
SPEAKER_06: Oh, now he wants to fuck it.
1:06:43
SPEAKER_06: He's a British.
1:06:44
SPEAKER_06: Oh, it was it was right fit.
1:06:47
SPEAKER_06: It was right fit.
1:06:48
SPEAKER_06: It was a handsome creature with a big, large, throbbing grey cock.
1:06:53
SPEAKER_06: I slurped it down.
1:06:58
SPEAKER_06: He entered me.
1:07:00
SPEAKER_06: It was a it was sublime.
1:07:04
SPEAKER_02: I like that it dipped into stathom.
1:07:07
SPEAKER_06: Oh shit.
1:07:09
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:07:10
SPEAKER_06: It jumped on the desk.
1:07:11
SPEAKER_06: The lieutenant was behind.
1:07:13
SPEAKER_06: It w it jumped on the desk, the lieutenant was behind.
1:07:16
SPEAKER_06: It jumped on him.
1:07:17
SPEAKER_06: For the next two minutes, the creature sat in the room eating him until finally it left.
1:07:21
SPEAKER_06: You just hung out while this thing ate your fucking lieutenant.
1:07:24
SPEAKER_06: He couldn't leave.
1:07:25
SPEAKER_06: He's like he's hiding in the corner.
1:07:26
SPEAKER_06: I guess I just won't shoot this thing as eating my fucking my own.
1:07:30
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:07:31
SPEAKER_06: Hang over here.
1:07:32
SPEAKER_01: Oh well, it sucks that's happening to him.
1:07:34
SPEAKER_06: No wonder he's so fit.
1:07:35
SPEAKER_06: He's he eats like a horse.
1:07:38
SPEAKER_06: Although I was in the military, nothing would ever compare to the horrible sounds I just heard.
1:07:44
SPEAKER_06: It would have it would have been at least a minute before the lieutenant even died.
1:07:48
SPEAKER_06: But eventually it left and I crawled out from behind the file.
1:07:51
SPEAKER_06: You're such a c you're so hardcore, dude.
1:07:53
SPEAKER_06: What a coward.
1:07:54
SPEAKER_06: I crawled out from behind the filing cabinet, and Ryan rolled out of the cabinet and vomited.
1:07:59
SPEAKER_06: My hands were shaking, the base silent.
1:08:02
SPEAKER_06: Four or five times the creatures checked the tent.
1:08:04
SPEAKER_06: Four or five times I returned to my hiding place.
1:08:08
SPEAKER_02: Dude, you can't fit a human being even my size cannot fit in a filing cabinet, by the way.
1:08:14
SPEAKER_02: You'd have to take all the drawers out.
1:08:16
SPEAKER_02: Right.
1:08:17
SPEAKER_06: Because they're small drawers.
1:08:18
SPEAKER_02: But I guess creatures don't want drawers.
1:08:20
SPEAKER_02: Huge fucking drawer?
1:08:22
SPEAKER_02: Like nah.
1:08:23
SPEAKER_02: Doesn't make any sense.
1:08:24
SPEAKER_02: Um you could put a dog in a filing cabinet.
1:08:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:08:27
SPEAKER_02: That's fun.
1:08:28
SPEAKER_02: That's fun.
1:08:29
SPEAKER_02: Take your dog to work, put it in your filing cabin.
1:08:31
SPEAKER_06: Check on them later.
1:08:32
SPEAKER_06: Here's a sausage.
1:08:33
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:08:34
SPEAKER_02: Here's a bone, buddy.
1:08:35
SPEAKER_06: Uh four or five times I returned to my hiding place until eventually I had to sleep.
1:08:40
SPEAKER_06: The next thing I remember was laying in a hospital bed, the incident flashing in my mind.
1:08:45
SPEAKER_06: The creature's wide eyes.
1:08:48
SPEAKER_06: The heartache tearing at me.
1:08:50
SPEAKER_06: So much life.
1:08:51
SPEAKER_06: I have no idea who lived and who died, whether Lyon survived, but what happened to the medical tent.
1:08:58
SPEAKER_06: My life was one giant mystery for any sadistic god wanting to see a broken man lying in a hospital bed.
1:09:05
SPEAKER_06: End.
1:09:06
SPEAKER_06: And then there's something else.
1:09:08
SPEAKER_06: Species no longer at large.
1:09:11
SPEAKER_06: This is the first file and my file.
1:09:13
SPEAKER_06: I will work on the other files, and hopefully, subreddits like R slash funny and r slash quit your bullshit make Reddit seem like a joke, so they will ignore me.
1:09:23
SPEAKER_06: And this whole subreddit.
1:09:24
SPEAKER_06: I don't know what why that footnote was added.
1:09:28
SPEAKER_06: Really weird.
1:09:29
SPEAKER_06: Also, I love the subgenre of like I'm a hardcore military guy.
1:09:36
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:09:37
SPEAKER_06: Who hid in behind a filing cabinet.
1:09:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:09:40
SPEAKER_02: Who did the most cowardly thing ever.
1:09:42
SPEAKER_02: And my friend did too, by the way.
1:09:44
SPEAKER_02: It would have been two on one, and we still shied away from the fight.
1:09:48
SPEAKER_02: We just let him eat our fucking lieutenant.
1:09:51
SPEAKER_02: He was a prick anyway.
1:09:52
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:09:53
SPEAKER_06: That one was funny.
1:09:54
SPEAKER_06: I like that.
1:09:56
SPEAKER_06: Thank you, stranger on the internet.
1:09:59
SPEAKER_06: That was wonderful.
1:10:02
SPEAKER_06: No, it sucked, actually.
1:10:03
SPEAKER_06: It was really bad and gay.
1:10:05
SPEAKER_06: Uh werewolves attacked the army.
1:10:07
SPEAKER_06: That's the story.
1:10:08
SPEAKER_02: Were they on all fours or were they up on two feet?
1:10:12
SPEAKER_02: I didn't quite catch that.
1:10:14
SPEAKER_06: I imagine werewolves.
1:10:15
SPEAKER_06: Because they're eight feet tall.
1:10:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:10:17
SPEAKER_02: I thought like eight feet on its fucking high.
1:10:20
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
1:10:20
SPEAKER_02: A quadrupedal?
1:10:22
SPEAKER_02: Eight feet?
1:10:23
SPEAKER_02: That's a massive creature, you know?
1:10:25
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I think they were.
1:10:26
SPEAKER_06: I think he just left out details that would lead you to I think they were werewolves.
1:10:30
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, yeah.
1:10:30
SPEAKER_06: Is what he was alluding to.
1:10:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I figure so too.
1:10:33
SPEAKER_02: But it would have been cooler the other way.
1:10:35
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:10:36
SPEAKER_02: Also, a tent doesn't have a doorway so much as like an opening.
1:10:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, a flap.
1:10:41
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that covers an opening.
1:10:43
SPEAKER_02: It's not really a doorway.
1:10:45
SPEAKER_02: Flappy.
1:10:46
SPEAKER_02: Flappy.
1:10:47
SPEAKER_02: Flappy.
1:10:48
SPEAKER_02: Doorway implied.
1:10:49
SPEAKER_02: I guess it is.
1:10:50
SPEAKER_02: You know, I guess I'm being pedantic about that, but like I I didn't like that.
1:10:55
SPEAKER_02: I heard I he said doorway to a tent.
1:10:57
SPEAKER_02: I was like, this is a tent.
1:10:59
SPEAKER_02: And just 40 people on the base.
1:11:01
SPEAKER_02: There's like so many little details, it just took me way the fuck out of it.
1:11:05
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:11:06
SPEAKER_06: Yes.
1:11:07
SPEAKER_02: 40 people.
1:11:08
SPEAKER_02: What the fuck?
1:11:11
SPEAKER_06: It's so tough to read these ones with bad grammar, man.
1:11:14
SPEAKER_06: Like the it trips me up so much and it makes me sound retarded.
1:11:17
SPEAKER_06: Like I don't know how to fucking read.
1:11:19
SPEAKER_06: But it's like I had to reread sentences halfway through because I'm like, wait, what?
1:11:22
SPEAKER_06: And it's like, oh, there was supposed to be a comma there.
1:11:25
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:11:25
SPEAKER_06: Or like this sentence is so run-on that it's like three sentences in one, and it's like I have to imagine where the pauses are and shit.
1:11:32
SPEAKER_06: It's fucking tough.
1:11:34
SPEAKER_06: But you know, that was really badass and cool, dude.
1:11:38
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:11:38
SPEAKER_06: That was so awesome and hardcore.
1:11:40
SPEAKER_06: Sick.
1:11:41
SPEAKER_06: I want to be, I want to be a guy who throws guns at wolves.
1:11:45
SPEAKER_02: And then all shoots them after somehow.
1:11:46
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:11:47
SPEAKER_02: Like you throw it at such a trajectory that it's gunnering.
1:11:50
SPEAKER_02: Go.
1:11:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's gonna fucking bounce right back into your hand, like perfectly.
1:11:54
SPEAKER_02: And you're definitely not gonna accidentally hit the trigger when it's pointing back at your face doing that.
1:12:00
SPEAKER_02: There's no risk of shooting yourself doing that, and that's why no one does that.
1:12:04
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, this guy shoots people over his shoulder.
1:12:06
SPEAKER_02: He's like, Yeah, that's just that has to be someone, it sounds like anyway, that is obsessed with the military, but is not in the military.
1:12:15
SPEAKER_06: Oh, yeah, yeah.
1:12:16
SPEAKER_06: That's what it feels like.
1:12:17
SPEAKER_06: Stolen Valor type of guy for sure.
1:12:19
SPEAKER_02: That's definitely what it feels like.
1:12:21
SPEAKER_02: And just so much didn't make any fucking sense.
1:12:26
SPEAKER_02: Like you when you're gonna write about something, like look it up a little, you know?
1:12:31
SPEAKER_02: Do a little research, do a little preliminary research, figure it out a little, and then write your story.
1:12:37
SPEAKER_02: Like have have like a base knowledge.
1:12:39
SPEAKER_02: That's why a lot of times people write about shit they already know about so they don't sound like a fool.
1:12:45
SPEAKER_02: That's a good point.
1:12:46
SPEAKER_06: Or they research the fuck out of it, right?
1:12:49
SPEAKER_06: Immerse themselves in it.
1:12:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or they'll go like uh some people go get a job as a thing for a little while.
1:12:55
SPEAKER_02: So so they're not like overlooking obvious things that would become uh uh uh you know, very fuck.
1:13:02
SPEAKER_02: I said obvious too early in the sense they're not overlooking things that would become obvious later with only a few hours into a th into a certain expertise, you know.
1:13:12
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:13:13
SPEAKER_06: I mean, I don't expect you to join the military to write a r slash no sleep story, but like give it a goog, dude.
1:13:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, go go to military.com.
1:13:21
SPEAKER_02: There's an entire website devoted to that way of life for sure.
1:13:27
SPEAKER_06: Anyway, I hope you guys had as much fun as we did.
1:13:30
SPEAKER_06: I thought it was fun.
1:13:31
SPEAKER_06: Um if you want to have more fun, go to patreon.com slash fartmouth and throw us a couple bucks.
1:13:36
SPEAKER_06: Uh, I'm gonna take a piss and go home and we're gonna go play Madden together and hopefully for whoever lost last week, they don't lose again.
1:13:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:13:46
SPEAKER_06: Because you can go watch and see who lost and hear the funny things that are said and happen.
1:13:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:13:52
SPEAKER_06: I also, for anyone who did watch or listen to that, I figured out the echo thing and fixed it.
1:13:58
SPEAKER_01: Cool.
1:13:58
SPEAKER_06: So everything will sound good.
1:14:00
SPEAKER_06: I also brought my good headset home from work.
1:14:02
SPEAKER_06: Nice.
1:14:02
SPEAKER_06: So audio quality, better by a lot.
1:14:06
SPEAKER_06: Check it out.
1:14:06
SPEAKER_06: We also have a$1 tier.
1:14:08
SPEAKER_06: We do one extra like hour of content every week, the$10 tier has that plus all the other stuff, and then there's a ten dollar episode that is usually much more grimy.
1:14:23
SPEAKER_06: So check it out.
1:14:24
SPEAKER_06: Or don't.
1:14:25
SPEAKER_06: It's fine.
1:14:25
SPEAKER_06: If you don't want to.
1:14:26
SPEAKER_06: It's cool.
1:14:27
SPEAKER_06: We like you anyway.
1:14:28
SPEAKER_06: Thanks for listening.
1:14:29
SPEAKER_06: Leave a Spotify comment and see you later.
1:14:32
SPEAKER_06: Bye.
1:14:32
SPEAKER_06: Bye.